Living Biblically (2018) s01e12 Episode Script

It's Better to Give Than to Receive

1 My name is Chip.
Life's been knocking me on my butt lately.
My best friend died out of nowhere.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
- And my wife, well - Your girl's pregnant.
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years, but it's helped so many, and I needed help.
I've decided to live my life 100% by the Bible.
- To the letter.
- (LAUGHS) I get that reaction a lot.
But with the help of my God Squad, I'm becoming a better man, one verse at a time.
I am living biblically.
Enjoying that nice, hot mug of coffee? Cheryl, did you call security because I used your mug? What else was I supposed to do? (SIGHS) I don't know, say, "Hey, Chip, you know that promotional mug from the company that repairs our copier? I weirdly consider it my personal property.
" Wash the lady's mug, Chip.
With soap.
Not one of those half-assed rinse-offs your generation loves so much.
We're from the same generation, Cheryl.
Different planets, but the same generation.
Oh, what planet are you from? Okay, everybody.
It's that time of year, when the staff of the Arrow takes on a charity project.
And I'm not talking about Cheryl's wardrobe.
You're not happy when I wear clothes, you're not happy when I don't wear clothes.
So, once again, we are going to Six Flags and we're gonna raise money with Koaster Rides 4 Kidz.
- Yeah, we are! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) It's coaster time! Click, click, click, click, click, click.
OH, NO, NO (YELLING): Oh! Well, nobody sit behind me, I plan on throwing up a lot.
Click, click, click, click, click, click.
(IMITATES RETCHING) Oh, this is great.
This is exactly what my Bible journey's been lacking charity.
I love it that we're gonna make a difference in the lives of, uh What's the deal with these kids again? I assume they're needy in some way.
Every time we ride a coaster, we are raising cash for these little bastards.
We really are such good people.
(CHUCKLES) Hey freeze frame high five? So, I pay money and you ride roller coasters? Yeah.
Well, what kind of charity is that? You know, I mean, uh Here, I'll make up a charity.
Golfing for Gil, all right? You pay, I golf.
No, no.
It-It's for the kids.
That's why "koaster" has a "K.
" For the kids.
What exactly are you doing for the kids? Koasting.
With a "K.
" To raise cash with a "C," but for kids with a "K.
" That's a no with an "N.
" Why don't you just give the cash directly to the kids? Then who would ride the roller coasters? - Hey, guys.
- CHIP: Hello, baby.
Look at you, you popped.
What, this? Did she not pop? Let me peek.
Oh, you popped.
- Mary Poppins over here.
- Snap, crackle, pop.
Oh, my God.
You guys, that's actually a myth.
Pregnant women's tummies don't "pop.
" It was gradual, you just hadn't noticed.
Nah, she popped.
Girl popped, and she can't stop now.
Honey, the guys are skeptical about Koaster Rides 4 Kidz.
Because of the name, and what it is? - Yes.
- Yes.
Well, ask your co-workers to switch causes.
I mean, we donate bone marrow at my office.
That is perfect, Les.
Yes, we'll do that.
Yeah, it's easy.
They just make an incision, insert a needle into your pelvic bone and then withdraw the marrow.
What else could we do? Well, uh, a family from our church had their home badly damaged in a fire, and I'm trying to get parishioners together to rebuild it for them.
You want to run that by your office? (SHORT EXHALE) That sounds way more charitable, and, uh, I get to avoid a needle to the pubic bone.
(CHUCKLES) Pelvic pelvic bone.
You know, I love this.
I am in, too.
You know, we could be extra charitable and fix the house and donate the bone marrow.
- House is good.
- No, I'm good with just the house.
Are you kidding, Chip? What's wrong with Koaster Rides 4 Kidz? It's the only charity where we benefit, too.
And I think that we could do more than just ride roller coasters.
You mean like hit the water park, too? Oh, I'd love to show off my new three-piece bathing suit.
Three-piece? There's a vest.
I need to know if we're doing water slides, so I can shave my body.
If I'm not slippery as a seal, I'm not getting my money's worth.
No, guys, we could roll up our sleeves and, you know, do some real, tangible good for a family that really needs it.
Now, wouldn't that feel better than just going to some amusement park? No.
Hold up a second.
I know Chip said it, but maybe it's not stupid.
Every year, those do-gooders over at the Daily News make us look bad with their "curing childhood obesity" charade.
(SCOFFS) Fat kids are cute.
But this house-building thing? We are gonna own their asses.
See, that's what charity is all about.
Charity is actually not at all about owning asses.
But, guys, come on, we're gonna build a house, huh? This is great.
- Freeze frame high five.
- No.
I got to say, I'm impressed, Chip.
I didn't even have to find people.
You filled up the whole signup sheet with your crew.
You're making me proud.
All right, man, well, yeah, happy to hear it.
Everybody's really psyched to do something selfless, you know? Welcome, everyone.
Uh, thank you very much for being here.
We have a big day ahead of us, so I hope you all ate your spinach this morning.
We were supposed to eat spinach? I didn't get an e-mail.
I also did not receive the spinach e-mail.
No, no, I just mean that you'll have to use your muscles.
Did you send that to my CompuServe address? Check your spam folder.
I don't have spam, I have junk.
Is that the same thing? You know, on mine, it's on There is no spinach e-mail.
Ah, look at Vince.
Already firing up the nail gun.
Oh, I'm just snapping a Tinder pic.
A shot of me being charitable could really pump up my profile.
- (NAIL GUN FIRES) - (ALL SHOUTING) Uh, let-let's start you with a regular hammer.
Oh, oh! Check out the baby bump on Leslie.
- My girl popped.
- She sure did.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't be doing that in your delicate state.
Can we get this woman some pillows, maybe a glass of lemonade? Whoa, whoa, whoa, she can't drink lemonade, now that she popped.
There's no such thing as "popped," people.
Everyone, please.
I know it's a long day, and it's easy to get distracted, especially when you've been here almost a minute.
But we got to get the frame finished today.
I need each of you to sign this release.
Oh, I'll need my lawyer to read it.
Can you fax this to 1-800-Accidentes? Now, there's breakfast, if you're hungry.
Dunking Donuts? With a "G"? There's not supposed to be a "G.
" Sorry, they're knock-offs.
We're a church, we can't afford name brands.
Get your complaining out now, because for lunch, we're having Jack in the Bag.
Jack in the Bag? That place sucks.
I'd rather have Hamburger King than Jack in the Bag.
I could have my wife pick us up some Merkdernalds.
Ooh, can I get some chicken merknerggets? With herney merstard? Hey, guys, listen, we're we're kind of missing the point here, all right? It's not about bad donuts or cheap lunch, or ugh, a portable toilet from a Stephen King novel.
It's about helping out a family in need, okay? (GASPING) Air! How how I've missed you.
All the beauty of God's creation (SNIFFS) is returning to me.
I inhaled death through the nose, and I shall never complain about life again.
Dunking Donuts? Seriously? Man, we're not even close.
This house is gonna have walls on all sides, huh? Yes.
It's going to be one of those houses.
Your people really got to pick up the pace here, Chip.
I mean, Cheryl just told me it was her naptime.
Oh, I am so sorry, Gene.
That is embarrassing.
But that said, don't wake her she bites.
Hey, uh, Vince, you want to help me brace this joist? Vince? Uh, sorry, Rabbi, I got a girl in Williamsburg that wants me to brace her joist.
- (GROANS) Leslie.
- Hmm.
Looks like you're doing a ton of work and not getting any credit.
Thank you for noticing.
Everyone thinks that just because I'm pregnant, I'm too delicate to help.
Yeah, I'm in the same boat.
You know, I know I don't exactly exude machismo, but, uh, I can build.
What do you say we joist forces and school these trolls? Oh.
(SIGHS) Hey, you guys good here for a half hour? I got to make a run to the lumberyard.
Oh, yeah.
Take all the time you need, man.
We got this.
Here's my impression of you when you come back in a half an hour: "Uh, what happened to the construction site? All I see is this fully-built house.
" (CHUCKLES) I feel I need to be real clear here, Chip.
If you build a house in a half hour, it will be a very bad house.
Hey, guys.
Gene is really counting on me, and we're dragging.
We got to pick up the pace, okay? (SNAPS FINGERS) MEADOWS: Heads up, people! These pics are going into the company press release, so everybody pretend like you're really building a house.
Don't pretend.
Actually build the house.
Get a picture of me with this saw.
Get my Tinder shot.
Let me get the nail gun.
Look out.
- (SHUTTER CLICKING) - Okay, but can we make this quick, guys? We're here building a house, not posing for Playgirl.
I appeared in Playgirl once.
November '94 issue.
I was butt-naked eating a turkey leg on a leather couch.
That's terrific, Warren.
Untwist your panties, Chip.
A little PR? There's nothing wrong with that.
Well, there is something wrong with it when it's all you care about.
Charity isn't about you.
All right? And we're letting Gene down.
And we're letting this family down.
Hey, you should be grateful we're here at all.
We could be at Six Flags right now, eating funnel cake, drinking beer.
You know, for the kids.
Hey! For the love of God, put the nail gun down! You know what? Fine.
If you'd rather be lazy and go ride roller coasters instead of building a house for a family in need, be my guest, there's the door.
Or there would be the door, if anyone had built it.
I'd be much happier riding roller coasters.
- Me, too.
- I'm out of here, too.
Especially if I'm just gonna get yelled at by Ned Flanders over here.
Hell, we got all the pictures we need, so, mission accomplished.
And how dare you call us lazy.
Go wake up Cheryl.
We're getting out of here.
Wait, you guys are actually leaving? Fine.
Enjoy riding roller coasters.
I hope you fall off! No, I don't.
Have a safe time.
But I hope the lines are long! Oh, don't worry about it.
We got this, okay? And, hey, more donuts for us.
Heck of a job on the wall, Warren! (ELECTRIC TOOL WHIRRING) Where are my workers? Oh, they went to Six Flags.
What? Why? I told them if they'd rather be at Six Flags, then they should go, thinking they wouldn't go.
Long story short, they went.
Chip, everyone in the world would rather be at Six Flags.
I'd rather be at Six Flags.
How am I gonna build a house with one guy helping me? (CLEARING THROAT) Oh, honey, you need water? You got to stay hydrated now that you've (POPS MOUTH) There's no such thing as "popped.
" I was saying that Gil and I are here working, too.
We cut and installed all the soffits.
- Yeah.
- Soffits? Gil, you don't have to make up words.
Soffits are real.
They're prepped and ready for the electrician.
Oh, Gil.
I appreciate you guys trying to help, but without the others, we're not gonna be ready for the roofers tomorrow.
Well, look, they just didn't get it, Gene.
They made it all about showing off how charitable they could be for their own selfish reasons.
But if you're gonna be here, be here for the right reasons.
- Am I right? - No.
It's great when people do the right thing for the right reasons.
But almost as great is when they do the right thing for the wrong reasons.
Because the right thing gets done anyway.
The man's correct.
Look at the Bible.
You know, Samson was a womanizer, David an adulterer, Noah a drunk.
They were all flawed people, but they all did God's work.
Oh, okay.
So if God had only got perfect people to do stuff, no stuff would have ever got done.
We phrased it a little more eloquently than that, but yes.
Aren't you a writer? Aw, dang it! I got to get those guys back here.
(SIGHS) I'm such a tool sometimes.
- I know, babe.
- (SIGHS HEAVILY) Man, that Nosedive Nightmare ride was so fun, I finally got close to living out my fantasy of plummeting from an airplane to my death.
Cheryl, you were screaming your balls off in the front row.
(LAUGHS, SNORTS) I saw your gum fly out of your mouth.
(LAUGHING) I caught it in my Mouth.
Would you like it back? Yes, I would.
Best part: it's all for a good cause.
Look how many likes my coaster pic is getting.
These are "skinny girl with a huge ass" numbers.
Chip was so snotty about it, like this house thing is so important.
(SCOFFS) I mean, we're raising awareness.
Awareness is way more valuable than some stupid house.
That's right.
Because of us, now people know about kids.
And roller coasters.
Chip just posted a picture from the construction site with his arm around two little kids.
Caption says, "Building a house for these sweet little angels.
Hope to put a roof over their heads by tonight.
" Hmm.
I feel guilty.
My therapist says I'm a sociopath, so we must have done something really bad.
Look at that adorable little girl.
I'll bet she even has a lisp.
That's nice.
Good for Chip.
We're all doing good today.
Are we? I'll bet she says "Chrithmath.
" Stop lisping, Warren.
Thorry, Mith Meadowth.
(EXCLAIMS) All right, that's done.
What's next? Well, that didn't need to be nailed, so I guess next would be taking all those nails out.
It's okay, Chip.
I'm canceling the roofers.
We're not gonna make it.
Oh, no, Gene.
Come on.
Hey, we're making progress.
- We can do this.
- (SIGHS) Look around, Chip, what do you see? Well, I see a I don't know.
Vince! Ah! (LAUGHS) They came back! Of course we came back.
Did you think we were gonna let you do this on your own? Well, yes.
You left.
Well, that's fair.
But now we're back.
Everyone but Cheryl.
She's hiding in the park overnight so she can be the first one there when it opens.
Hey, listen, I'm just glad you guys are back.
I knew if you searched your hearts Hey, Chip, a little less yammering, a little more hammering.
Warren's right.
Let's dive back in, people.
The family's coming by soon.
Let's give them a front door to walk through.
Oh, you mean this door? That's right, baby.
See what happens when you underestimate a pregnant woman? And a rabbi who sells homemade birdhouses on Etsy? (SNIFFS) Freeze frame high five.
Hey! (LAUGHS) You can put your hand down now, Gil.
Um actually, I can't.
My back went out.
Um How about you guys work around me? I'm gonna be here for a while.
- All right.
- Oh.
Hey, Gene, thanks for the beer, man.
I've never had a, uh, Spudweiser before.
You can really taste the potato.
The family is blown away by all we've accomplished today.
You should all feel really good.
I do.
Except for this blister.
Then I got a splinter in my blister.
I hate wood.
We get it.
You're a lesbian.
Oh, hey! Guys, this is one of the little munchkins that we were building the house for.
It's taking long enough.
Now, sweetie, you know, these people all gave up their weekend so that they could help you out.
(SCOFFS) Like they had anything else going on.
Look at these dorks.
Wait a minute.
She's mean.
And she doesn't have a lisp at all.
Your Instagram said they were sweet little angels.
Well all of God's children are angels.
Aah! Why?! Anybody else kind of loving this kid? (LAUGHS) All right, so, yeah, I fudged the truth a little bit.
Which was wrong.
But I got the right thing done.
- Well done, buddy.
- Thanks, man.
So which one's gonna be your room, sweetie? You're fat.
No, I'm not.
I just popped.
There's no such thing as "popped," chubs.