Living Biblically (2018) s01e13 Episode Script

David and Goliath

1 (SNIFFING) Why are you smelling my drink? Got to tell you, love being pregnant, getting real sick of water.
Know what I read today? Raising a kid in New York costs twice the national average.
CHIP: Wow.
Well, hey, on the bright side, at least it always smells like pee here.
(LAUGHS) New York's expensive.
My haircut today cost $40 for this! I think they they took too much off the top.
I hear you, guys.
It is so hard to stay afloat in this town.
That'll be $90 for the drinks.
Apparently, raising a kid in New York costs $30,000 a year.
So, from birth to adulthood, that is half a million dollars.
Then college on top of that.
Huh.
Wow, so having a kid is kind of like a life sentence type of deal, huh? (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) That was cute; you both looked incredibly terrified at the same time.
Well, hey, look, maybe it'll get a scholarship, you know? Leslie's smart.
- What about me? - You married someone smart.
Oh, we find out on Friday - if we're having a boy or a girl.
- Oh.
Oh, honey, I got to tell you, you know, from the first time you told me you were pregnant, I always really felt like it was a boy.
Yeah, you also really felt that Justin Timberlake was the weakest member of NSYNC.
Well when he was with Britney, he was.
I am telling you, honey, it is a girl.
She's putting in nine months, you put in two minutes.
If she says it's a girl, it's a girl.
Morning, Cheryl.
Have you seen Ms.
Meadows? She got here at 8:52, had a cup of coffee and did time sheets, had a second cup of coffee, went to the bathroom.
Second cup of coffee probably played a hand in that.
Where is she now? I don't know, Chip.
I'm not her keeper.
She's been in her office all morning talking to Mitch from corporate.
Probably more cost-cutting.
I hope it's not cost cutting, 'cause I'm about to ask Meadows for that raise she promised when I started my Bible column.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Hey, Curry, right? - Yeah.
- Great work on your Bible column.
It's the only thing doing well for us.
- (LAUGHS) Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
Oh, uh, you guys are great, too.
All the crap you write is really solid.
Carol.
Vonce.
Vonce? That's not my name.
That's not even a name.
(CHUCKLES) Ms.
Meadows.
(SIGHS) I wanted to talk to you about that raise you promised.
I'd love to help you, but I can't.
Ms.
Meadows, you gave me your word.
Chip, I can't help you because I just got fired.
What? Are you serious? They need to cut costs.
My 25 years with the company makes me a lot pricier than all of you.
(CHUCKLES) They'll just get some kid out of Syracuse to do my job for half the money.
(YELLS): No! Cheryl! Dramatically swipe everything off your own desk! Anyway, Mitch will be interviewing for my replacement all week, so, uh yeah.
(SNAPS FINGERS) I can't believe this.
You're a legend.
You're like my mom.
My mean, white mom.
Let's not get mushy.
(SCOFFS) Man, I could really use a drink.
Really? And I'm the one being fired? $500 sunglasses, and I'm leaving 'em every place I go.
I should buy an expensive pair so I actually care about 'em.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, being rich is tough.
Hey, Mitch, just real quick before you go.
(SIGHS) Listen, I really think you're making a huge mistake here.
You know, me living my life by the Bible was my decision, yes, but I never would've thought to turn it into a column if it wasn't for Ms.
Meadows.
She's got great instincts.
Oh, yeah? Cool.
She can use those instincts to find another job.
(LAUGHS) With time, you're gonna find this funny.
She really cares, though, Mitch.
She pushes us.
Sometimes literally.
She's the heart of this place.
Sorry, Vonce.
I was just straight-up not listening to you.
(LAUGHS) Ah, don't worry, fam.
We're gonna get somebody real nice up in here.
I don't want somebody real nice.
I want Ms.
Meadows! 25 years, and they just dump Ms.
Meadows? What is happening to America? You know, there's-there's no more middle class anymore.
That is just gone.
The rich get richer, and I don't know how I'm gonna afford my damn kid.
Oh, don't worry, though.
Old Man Government's got a nice tax cut for you.
Yeah.
Too bad it's a complete lie.
Oh, and don't get me started on net neutrality.
I mean, I don't know what it means, but I am fired up! Chip, pick a rant, buddy.
You have every right to be angry.
It's a dark time.
Lots of people are angry.
Can't believe they fired Ms.
Meadows, you know? She-she is her job.
I can't bear the thought of her sitting in some park, like, ordering ducks to get to work on time.
So, in your mind, she goes insane, like, day one? I just feel powerless, you know? What can the little guy do? Well, there are many Bible verses that might apply here, but I keep going back to the story of David and Goliath.
Ooh, good one, Gene! Why, that's the perfect example, Chip.
You're David.
You're weak, you're small, you're, uh unimpressive.
I got it.
You're petulant, um, somewhat primitive.
- You smell.
- I got it! And this corporate stooge is Goliath.
Now, the odds are very much against you, but the little guy can make a difference.
How? The Goliaths have all the power.
Have you even read the story? Murder his ass.
No.
No, no.
David beat Goliath 'cause he was great with a slingshot, right? Well, everyone has their slingshot, their special skill.
Martin Luther King's slingshot was his speeches.
Taylor Swift's slingshot is her songs.
Hey there, Mister Cute Boy Ya got to stop being so, uh, mean to me.
Or whatever.
I You know.
I'm not familiar with her music, so I should have picked someone else.
Well, hey, look, that's cool for them, but I-I don't know what my slingshot is.
It's your writing, Jughead! Damn! He never gets it! Now, guys, this is just a rough draft, okay, so go easy on me, but I really think that it articulates how I feel about Meadows being fired.
I am loving it, babe.
"What's happening at this paper is happening in every industry.
"The modern Goliaths squeeze out the Davids in pursuit of the almighty" Whoa.
Strong language.
Oh, no.
It's supposed to say "buck.
" The almighty buck.
"We are all Davids.
We all feel small.
But our power comes when we unite and stand up against the Goliaths.
" Damn straight.
It's awesome, Chip.
(SIGHS) My cousin Goliath is not gonna like this article.
There's no chance corporate's gonna publish this.
It makes them sound like monsters, especially the line, "These monsters are monstrous monsters.
" Look, this is exactly why I asked you guys to come over here, because I need you to help me sneak this article into tomorrow's paper.
Huh? Now, it might not fix anything, but at least we'll have taken a stand.
Ah, you're saying you want us Davids to unite? Whoa! You guys, that is so weird! This is just like what it says in Chip's article.
Yes.
It's perfect.
We're gonna use their own newspaper to take 'em down.
Honey, I know that your heart is in the right place, but you could lose your job.
Me and this half-a-million-dollar baby need you to have a job.
Look, honey, without Meadows, there won't even be a paper in a year, and then none of us will have jobs.
And the article is anonymous, by the way.
Nobody's gonna know that I wrote it.
It says, "Written by Chip Curry.
" Again, it's a rough draft.
Now, look, I'm gonna upload the article onto a flash drive, but then we'll need to transfer it to Meadows' computer after Mitch signs off on tomorrow's edition and heads home.
But before midnight, which is when the printing begins.
That's when we can hack into the mainframe.
When you say "hack into the mainframe," you just mean get on Meadows' computer, right? So, where are you gonna put it in the paper? Oh, I'm thinking big, you know.
Front page.
Are you okay with this? I trust you, and honestly, this whole criminal hero thing is is kind of sexy.
Hmm.
Thank you, Leslie, but can anyone just see me as a person? All right, come on, Davids.
Let's bring it in.
Come on.
Let's slay this Goliath.
All right? Ready? One, two (WHOOPS) Why would we go on two? (QUIETLY): Come on, come on.
Got to be quick, okay? Luckily, the security guard's distracted, thanks to Cheryl's brilliant idea to pull that fire alarm on 18.
Oh, I didn't pull the alarm.
I actually set a fire.
What? Why would you do that? Don't worry.
It's contained, Mom.
Okay, Team David.
Masks on.
- There could be cameras up there.
- Right.
There's no eye holes, Cheryl.
These are just hats.
Ugh.
I'm going upstairs.
You can't just go upstairs, hotshot.
What if you activate the lasers? Cheryl, this place doesn't even have paper towels.
I highly doubt there's lasers.
Ah, how are you gonna get into her office? Open the door? Oh, then I suppose you're just gonna walk in? BOTH: Yes.
I know we'll get into huge trouble if we get caught in here, but somehow this is the least scared I've ever been walking into Meadows' office.
All right, come on.
Where the hell is Cheryl? She's supposed to guess the password.
(COUGHING) Okay.
Let's start with the most obvious guess.
- C-H-E-R-Y-L.
- (COMPUTER BUZZES) Huh, nothing.
Kinda reeling here.
Cheryl-one.
(COMPUTER BUZZES) Nope.
- Cheryl-two.
- (COMPUTER BUZZES) It's not Cheryl! - Security's coming! - Shoot.
Should I start another fire? How would that help? Wait a minute.
What's on this Post-it? Looks like a password to me.
- (COMPUTER CHIMES) - Yes! It worked.
We're in.
Okay.
Let's celebrate quickly and quietly.
I can't believe we got it on the front page.
Anybody see Mitch? No, no.
Oh, man.
I would've loved to have seen his face when he read it, huh? (CHUCKLES) He's gonna probably be pretty mad, right? You don't think we made a huge mistake, do you? I mean, should I go buy up all the copies? I'm gonna go buy up all the copies.
Who did it? The fire on the 18th floor? What fire? Who wrote the article? It's trending all over social media.
Somebody tweeted out my cell phone number.
People are protesting outside our corporate headquarters.
(CHUCKLES): They are? That is terrible.
And none of you know who wrote it.
Wait a minute.
You're Mr.
Bible, so you can't lie.
God doesn't like a liar, does he? No, sir, he doesn't.
Then tell me, honestly, who wrote the article? - Me.
- You're fired.
You can't fire him.
- Yeah, he can.
- Oh, right.
You're really gonna fire me? I mean, do you even care that I have a baby on the way? (INHALES SHARPLY) No.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm just gonna call my boss and tell him Anonymous is a-gone-ymous.
Hi, Dad.
I got him.
It's Curry.
Yeah, the Bible guy.
Looks like Mr.
Anonymous is a What's that? Oh, come on! But I just took care of it.
You know how that's gonna make me look? Fine.
Fine-uh! Love you.
Please say it back.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Well, I've made a decision.
(CLEARS THROAT) Us higher-ups don't want to deal with any more bad press, so you can keep your job.
Hmm.
Oh, wait.
You fired me.
- Uh, yeah, I did.
- Right.
Which means that my contract is null and void.
I'm a free agent with a hot column under my belt.
I mean, maybe I don't want to keep my job here.
Ah, funny you should bring that up.
(LAUGHS) 'Cause I, me, Mitch, also decided that Dad will give you a small raise if you stay.
Oh.
Hmm.
That's tempting.
But I am a package deal with Ms.
Meadows.
Ah, she's back, too! (LAUGHS) Isn't that great? Ah, I can't wait till they shut this dump down.
Ugh.
Bye-bye, Goliath.
- (LAUGHS) - We did it, Davids! - Yeah.
- Yes! Ms.
Meadows! Speech! - Yes.
Yes! - Speech! - Speech! Speech! - Yes, come on.
All right! I know this is a big night because Cheryl's wearing makeup.
And you guys having my back after what a tough ol' beeyotch I've been to all of you, it it's really something.
It means a lot.
(VOICE BREAKS): It means everything.
That's it.
Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT) - GENE: Yay! - (WHOOPING) Does this mean you're gonna stop being a tough ol' beeyotch to us? What'd you just call me, butthead? (LAUGHS) My mean white mom is back! (LAUGHS) Geez, Cheryl, I didn't die.
This is why I don't wear makeup.
Oh, thanks.
As someone who can see your face, you're gonna need the whole box.
Hey.
I knew right away it was you who wrote that article.
Oh, yeah? How'd you know that? David and Goliath? (SCOFFS) You're the only one who writes about the Bible, dumbass.
Also, the writing was really lovely.
I mean, these guys are good, but they're not that good.
(CHUCKLES) I can hear you.
How was your baby appointment? You guys find out what you're having? Oh, well, I got there too late 'cause I was using my, uh, slingshot.
(CHUCKLES) And by slingshot, of course, I mean the Boy or girl? I didn't want to look without Chip, so they put the ultrasound in this envelope.
And now that we're here, and surrounded by friends, let's find out.
- Really? - (CHUCKLES) H-Holy cow.
Okay.
(SIGHS) I love you.
I love you so much.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Okay.
Uh, excuse me, friends.
Can I have your attention for just a second, please? Leslie and I are about to find out whether we are having a boy, which we most definitely are, or Or a girl, which we most definitely are.
Uh, Gene, you know what? Your guidance has been getting me ready to be a dad, you know? So, uh, would you? - Really? - Yeah.
I'd be honored.
(CLEARS THROAT) Guess I'll just stand here and do nothing, then.
Oh my gosh.
You're gonna be really happy here, Chip.
- It's a boy! - (LAUGHS LOUDLY) Yeah! We're having a son! (LAUGHS) Wait.
Uh Oh, Gil, come on.
I know you're mad I let Gene read the thing, - but come on.
- No! It's a boy and, uh it's a girl.
You're having twins.
(CROWD GASPING, CHEERING) (CROWD WHOOPING) (LAUGHS): Oh! We're gonna be broke forever! Thanks to your Bible journey, you are ready to be a dad.
Uh, no, I am not.
(LAUGHS) I-I was only preparing for one baby.
We're gonna have two babies.
That means I got to double down on the Bible thing, baby, for the babies! - (LAUGHING): No.
No.
- (LAUGHING) - No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes! You guys ready for twice as much me, huh? Twice the questions.
Twice the confessions.
Twice the pop-ins.
Huh? This is gonna be great! Oh.
That's cute.
You both look equally terrified at the same time.