Loaded (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

Leons Teacher

1 [HE GROANS] [HE SIGHS] - [MOTOR RUNS] - [HE MOANS] [SCREECHES TO HALT] You were joking, then, about the helmets? - Yeah, Ewan, we were.
- Right.
- Oh, we need more cups.
- Or do we need a second dishwasher? Then you have a clean dishwasher and a dirty dishwasher.
You take from the clean, use it, put it in the dirty.
Replace all the cupboards with dishwashers.
Watto, please don't replace all our cupboards with dishwashers.
- What's this? - Oh, it's from our old school.
They want me to go back there and talk to the kids.
- Some sort of inspirational thing.
- They asked you? Where's mine? I didn't get anything.
Why didn't I get anything? I'm the inspirational one, me.
I'm not going to do it anyway.
I need to focus on work.
He can't replace all our cupboards with dishwashers, can he? Pants on, fuckers.
Party's over.
- She wasn't due until Thursday.
- I know when she was due, Ewan.
I put it on my calendar.
'Thursday 4th, meeting with hair-flicking cyborg maniac.
' Don't leave me alone with her.
I feel she is quite severely immune to my freewheeling charms.
I can handle Casey.
I'm the horse whisperer, remember? Whisper, whisper, whisper, neigh.
[HE CLEARS THROAT] So, Casey, how long are you thinking of staying, just for our diaries? Two days.
In and out, quick trip.
There you go, Leon.
- Thank you.
- Watto.
Last but not least, Bewan.
Okay, here's the toast.
The real work starts now.
I mean, literally right now, and I mean this so literally we don't even have time to drink our champagne.
And do you know why else? Because we're at work, and we don't drink at work.
So, let's just dump it all right in the bucket.
Um There you go, in, all the way.
Okay, excellent, good.
Can I just ask a question? Why is it that you're being not nice to us? Great question, happy to answer.
Who knows This word? - Boss.
- Good.
Who's had a boss before? I Yeah, I worked in a video shop once.
- Okay, and what was that boss like? - A bit of a shit actually.
Hmm, "bit of a shit actually.
" - Yeah.
- Great job, Bewan.
And now, you work on a dairy farm.
And who knows what kind of cows we raise on our dairy farm? - Friesians.
- Cash cows.
And who knows what comes out of a cash cow when you squirt their juicy little pink teats? - Money milk.
- Money milk.
Good for you, Watto.
So, I want you to all start thinking about this.
- - No, no way.
We always said we would never do any sequels.
All right, they are creatively bankrupt.
Cat Factory 2.
We're going to juice this franchise like a sun-ripened London orange.
Yeah, we don't really have those here.
Leon promised 13% growth.
I mean You're committed to 13% growth.
Are we? Josh, it's 13%, it's nothing, it's like this much.
I didn't know it was 13%.
I did not know it was 13 percent.
Okay, so, you'll, you'll get your 13%, but we're going to do it our way.
New games, new ideas.
Well, let's keep talking.
So long as you do your jobs, right? Every day, in your holding pens, from the hours of 9am to 6pm.
I have, er, band practice later.
I always have band practice on a Tuesday.
Well, you have to take that out of your vacation days.
I'm I'm, er, heading out too.
I'm going back to my old school to speak to the kids, give something back.
Take it out of your vacation days.
I have a lunch meeting.
Is anyone planning on doing any actual work - today? - I'll be here.
Not that it counts for much.
Office may as well be empty.
Right, well, I'm going to poke around a little bit, get my feelers out.
I'm sorry, is she calling me Bewan? Look, it's fine, we'll just keep it normal for the next 48 hours and she's gone.
Where's the dildo? The office dildo, where is it? You had it.
I left it on your desk.
I mean, I dipped it in Hamas and left it in the fridge, but that was weeks ago.
Great! Great.
So, the new boss is here and we can't account for the office dildo.
It's not even a name.
[MUSIC]: Cash Money by Fantastic Four Right, now, who can tell me how we might determine the value of Faraday's constant? - [HELICOPTER APPROACHES] - Anyone? [HELICOPTER BLADES SPIN] [SHOUTING OVER NOISE]: What are you doing? You can't put this here! Leon Harbour, I'm here to talk to the kids! I wasn't expecting you! Yet here I am, descended from the skies to inspire a generation! Shall we head in? Hands up who's got a degree.
Come on, teachers, don't be shy.
Great, well done, you.
Now, hands up who has a helicopter.
I do.
I have a helicopter.
Agusta AW109 E metallic silver with the red stripe, white leather interior, ample legroom Absolutely Ample.
Now, who likes helicopters? Everyone.
Everyone likes helicopters, because helicopters are great.
You, madam, what's your degree in? - Politics.
- Oh, wow, thumbs up.
And how quick can your degree in politics get you to, say, Cornwall? I don't think I understand the question.
Cornwall, one hour, 30.
Silverstone, half an hour.
The Isle of Wight, 30 minutes.
It is fast, it's easy, it's luxurious.
Because I went to this school, and there was one teacher, and I know for a fact he's still teaching here because I looked him up.
He's out there hiding at the back somewhere.
And he told me a lot of things.
He told me I was lazy.
Told me I was a show-off.
He told me I couldn't make a bong for my GCSE ceramics project, but the one thing he never told me is that there is no correlation whatsoever between getting a degree - - and getting a helicopter.
So, here's my advice.
Do what you want.
Listen to music, play games, be with your friends.
Fall in love.
And if they say you can't make a bong Fuck it.
Make a lampshade instead and put a big, fat stem hole on the side.
- Now - [LAUGHTER] Who wants to see £50,000? [EXCITED BUZZ] MUSIC: Strange Combinations by Teleman Abi What are you doing here? Getting my lunch, like I usually do.
- Shouldn't you be at work? - Nah, I'm not stressing about it.
Just getting a coffee, reading Tintin - in the original Belgian French.
- Oh.
And while I've got you - Happy birthday.
- Aw.
- Oh, my God.
- I got your head 3-D printed.
- That is so freaky.
- I know.
Only took me a couple of old photographs.
You know, it - wasn't even that expensive.
- Well, that's something.
Because No, because don't you remember, you always wanted your own homunculus? - Yeah, no, not really.
- You definitely did.
No, you were definitely always like, 'Oh, I'd love to have a little doll of myself, ' so I got you a body to go with it.
- [SHE EXHALES] - You know, I just thought if there's some way we could maybe attach the two, then we've got ourselves little Abi.
'What's going on? My name's Abi.
' That is easily the most nightmarish gift I've - been given today.
- Then my work here is done.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
- Oh, Greg.
This is Josh.
Josh, Greg.
- Ah.
- Hey.
Current boyfriend, ex-boyfriend.
Only one thing in common: my vagina.
- Bit much, that.
- Abi, it's fine.
- We're adults.
Right, bro? - Yeah, bro.
I mean, we're very adults.
Josh got my head 3-D printed for my birthday.
- I didn't know it was your birthday.
- October 19th, same every year.
Yeah, I've been in Canada doing - a little bike ride.
- Oh, come on.
He basically cycled the whole of Canada for charity.
Well done, you.
And well done on your cat game thing.
I haven't had a chance to play it.
Haven't really had time, you know, like, pedal, pedal, pedal.
[HE LAUGHS] But, yeah It's great.
Okay, well, I'm going to take my assorted body parts, and say farewell.
Thank you.
And enjoy your Tintin.
I will enjoy my Tintin.
Thanks for that.
It was, er I suppose, aspirational, to a point.
Oh, where is he, then, Mr.
Young, where's he hiding? Sadly Kelvin's off sick.
He missed the whole thing.
[HE SIGHS] What's his address? - [BEEP] - Scramble the chopper.
God, I need this, just blast out some horrible thrashcore for two hours.
Your new kit? Quite big, isn't it? [HE LAUGHS] It's massive.
Congas, four rack toms I don't even know how to use this.
[HE LAUGHS] And then, for my big finish [GONG BANGS] [ENORMOUS REVERB] [REVERB CONTINUES TO FADE] Look, can we? Listen, Watto, we should have a little talk.
In terms of The Steel Bastards and where we're headed.
- Sure, what's the plan? - It's just We feel a bit weird.
About some of the lyrics, you know? 'The daily grind, a bacon rind.
'The men in the suits can be so unkind.
'Bear in mind I'm colourblind.
'Your green and gold won't change my mind' - "My mind.
" Yeah.
- Yeah.
Bacon Grinder, that's a good tune.
Yeah, but it is me singing that and there's you on the drums.
A multimillionaire.
Yeah, but I'm not one of them.
- I'm not a sell-out.
- But you did though, sell out, in terms of Selling out.
Well, I sold out in terms of selling out, yeah, but not in terms of selling out to The Man.
- If anything I sold out to a woman.
- It's just not very punk, is it? With your higher tax band.
Well, what if I didn't pay my taxes? That'd be a bit more punk.
Bit more edgy.
Oh, except that would make me more like Starbucks.
Oh, what if I paid too much tax? - [HE SIGHS] - Fine.
And, erm Do you all feel the same? Bunny? Madman? Fine.
I'll start packing up my stuff.
You can keep the congas.
- Actually - Fine! I'll take the congas! [DOORBELL RINGS] Jesus Christ, could you live any further away from a helipad? Leon.
- Year Nine.
- What do you want? I'm here to do an assembly, motherfucker.
So, no spoilers, but do you remember when you said I was lazy and lacked focus? Not specifically, but, sure.
Well, there's been a bit of an update on that front.
I'll give you a clue.
It rhymes with pelicopter.
So, hands up who has a degree.
Hands up who has a helicopter.
I do.
Augusta AW109 E, metallic silver with the red stripe.
- White leather interior, ample legroom.
- [PILL HOLDER OPENS] Are you all right? Put it this way.
Hands up who has cancer.
I do.
Really, like? - Which one? - You know the good one? The one that gives you a giant dick? I have the other one.
But, please Tell me all about your helicopter.
I'm all ears.
She can't make us do a sequel, can she? Once you've perfected the physics modelling of a plummeting mouse, and I have, it does become a bit of an existential grind.
Ewan, I need you to sync the control version right now, if you please.
Here we go again, syncing the control versions.
This is my one outlet, you know.
My music.
You should try squash, it's very cathartic.
Watto, if you want a band, just buy one.
Buy a band? He's right, you probably couldn't buy Coldplay or the Counting Crows, but Weezer, I bet you could buy yourself Weezer.
Sack the drummer, take over.
That is actually a seriously hard-core, intriguing idea.
There he is.
- Greg.
Abi's new boyfriend.
- Crikey.
- He cycled the whole of Canada! - Yeah, exactly.
What kind of wanker does that? Oh, a really charitable one, with a great bike and - really quite soft eyes.
- Well, much doffing - of caps to Sir Gregory.
- Don't doff! - Don't doff to him, Ewan.
- Sorry, didn't think.
No, look, I'm not jealous, all right? I'm not jealous.
And you're right, good on him.
Well done, Greg.
You know, just to show there's no hard feelings.
60 grand.
Yeah, that will show him For having sex with the girl you're still in love with.
[DOOR OPENS] Oh, Josh, while I'm here.
I'm going to be temporarily commandeering your office.
- Right, can you do that? - I don't know, can you stop me? Er, I'm not sure.
I don't think so.
Well, then, looks like it.
This goes in here.
Ewan, what are you doing right now? Me? Oh, oh.
- Nothing much.
- Great.
Then you can help Naomi get my office all set up.
Er, Ewan, weren't you supposed to synchronise the control version? He's right, I am doing something, actually.
- Then why did you say you weren't? - No idea.
I think it's just a reflex.
'What you doing?' 'Oh, nothing.
'˜ Think I don't want to seem too braggy, like, 'Oh, get me, I'm so busy.
' - Bedwetting Hugh Grant fuck.
- Say again? Oh, no, no, nothing, it's fine, Bewan.
Doesn't feel like I'm making the greatest of first impressions on the new boss.
But thankfully, the chorus of dissenting voices has convinced me otherwise! Hooray for Bewan.
Erm, well, in terms of flying times, you can go to Cornwall in an hour 30.
Why have you got the money? Oh, erm At the end, I was going to take out 50 grand in cash.
What are you going to do with it? I was going to Like, flop it around in your face.
- Go on, then? - I can't do that.
Are you taking pity on me, son? No, I'm just not flopping 50 grand in a poorly man's face.
Come on, big man.
Let's see it.
Or do you not have the bottle? Do you not have the focus? All right, OK.
Come on, flop it around! Not like that.
I want to feel it on my cheeks.
Waving your cash in a dying man's face.
- You know what? Forget it.
- I was kidding! Jesus.
Maybe spend some of that lottery money on a sense of humour.
I didn't win the lottery, OK? I earned this, I deserve it.
- Oh, is that right? - Well, you don't think I deserve it? I have no idea, son.
On the evidence of today, probably not.
Well, that's it, you're coming with me.
I'll show you what I've done.
Re-scramble the chopper.
Come on! Listening, watching the voice of no reason Sit with the tube cos her voice gets you high This This is what I made.
And all these people are working on your little cat flaps game? It's not about cat flaps, mate.
Factory, Cat Factory.
They have awards for people who make cat games? I mean, what's so impressive to me is you can make so much money out of something so no offence Banal.
Because, no disrespect, it's hardly Salisbury Cathedral.
Fuck Salisbury Cathedral! I could buy Salisbury Cathedral like that.
OK, son.
- You couldn't buy Salisbury Cathedral.
- You don't think I could - buy Salisbury Cathedral? - No, I don't.
OK, we'll see who can and can't buy Salisbury Cathedral.
- Yes, we will.
- All right, fine.
I'll call the National Trust right now.
Josh! Sir? - How are you? - Great.
- Bit cancerous but otherwise - Oh.
- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
- It's fine.
Leon gave me a ride in a helicopter.
And now he's making me look - at your awards.
- Who's he? What's that? - Why is nobody working? - Oh, I am their old form teacher.
With all due respect, sir, what the fuck are you doing here? I'm just watching Leon here trying and failing to buy Salisbury Cathedral.
Really? Leon? Oh, it's engaged anyway.
I'll try again later.
What's this? Oh, this is just a small donation to a local charity, something very dear to my heart.
Oh, my God, Josh.
That's incredible.
Is it, though? It's not for me to say.
- We do what we can.
- So humble! - With your big jumbo cheque.
- It's good, good for the profile.
People like people who, quote, "care about people.
" Look at Bono.
- Everybody hates Bono.
- Hmm, no, they don't.
Everyone loves Bono.
- No, they don't.
- No, he's right.
In this country, we all hate Bono.
Yeah, I don't even remember why, it's just - something you get handed down.
- Guys, just trust me on this one.
Everybody loves Bono, and I mean everyone.
[HE COUGHS] Excuse me.
I need to cough this into something.
I like it.
I like it a lot, we've got our own little hipster Bono.
Now, that is the worst collection of words in the world.
Guys, back to work.
Let's go, Cat Factory 2.
Let's keep talking, huh? I've got good vibes about this one.
Leon, did you helicopter a poorly man into the office - just so you could show off to him? - Yes! And he still won't admit he was wrong about me.
Jesus, Leon! A: that's insane.
B: we're supposed to be at work.
I'm just going to use the boardroom for a bit, so don't come in.
Watto? Please.
Who the fuck is this guy? Why is everyone bringing old men into the office? I'm just auditioning session musicians for my new band.
I tried to buy Weezer, but they weren't playing ball.
No, Watto.
You do not audition old men in leather waistcoats in the boardroom.
Get him out of here before she sees! Rocky, mate, we're going to have to do this back at the house! And do we really need to be moving desks, Casey? Bearing in mind you're only here a couple of days.
I don't like to work with my back to the window, Bewan.
You don't know what's out there.
You know, Casey, my name's not actually Bewan, it's Ewan.
I knew that.
I was just testing you.
I wanted to see how long it would take you to correct me - and you failed that test.
- Oh.
Oh, dear, that's a bummer.
Can I tell you what I really think about you? Um, no, thanks.
- I'd really rather you didn't.
- Because me People like me, they just do.
I'm a likeable person.
I get it all the time.
"Casey, you're so likeable.
" Yeah, see, I get that, too.
Oh, right, great.
Good for you both.
But they also respect me.
"Casey, Casey, you're so likeable and well-respected.
" I mean, it's well known within the industry.
Yeah, see, I don't get that.
I get nothing from other people's praise, it just does nothing for me.
But the fact remains, likeable, well-respected.
So, tell me this, can you say the same thing about yourself? Er, no.
No, I tend to inspire a kind of suffocating apathy.
General consensus is, Ewan, he's a bit of a floppy cock.
Are you being self-deprecating? I know that's a big thing over here.
No, no, would that I were, Casey.
Would that I were.
I'm just stating the grim facts as they lay.
You want my respect? Earn my respect, Bewan.
It is Ewan.
I know.
- Hey.
- Josh! I heard about the donation.
That's amazing.
I mean, my first thought was, 'Bit fucking weird.
'˜ But I thought, 'No.
'˜ Exactly, it's what normal adults do.
They support their friends and they unite against bloody Crohn's.
Josh, mate.
Thanks so much for all that money, mate.
- It's an absolute pleasure, mate.
- I had no idea you - cared so much about Crohn's.
- Oh, God, yeah.
- Yeah, it's a total, total fucker.
- Ooh! All this handshaking's so manly.
Did you want to come in for a photo? Erm, sure.
That's fine.
I'll take that.
I know you don't really care about Crohn's disease, Josh.
That's not true, Greg.
I really, really care about Crohn's.
How about a couple of Josh on the bike? Yeah, let's give it a go.
We can Yeah.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- Hop on.
- Yeah.
Where? Your foot.
Ah! Yeah.
- [MOBILE RINGS] - You're doing great.
- That's great.
That's all we need.
- Are you sure? By no means did you look like a tit just then.
- Yeah, it felt pretty smooth.
- You'll never guess who that was.
The venue.
Two feet of water, they're going to have to cancel.
Oh, no! Bummer! Oh, there was a gala thing tomorrow night.
I was going to invite you as the big donor but We could do it at mine.
You could host it at my new house.
- Oh, you don't have to do that.
- I'd be honoured.
All right then, cool.
Cheers, Josh.
Anything for Crohn's.
Game Of Crohn's.
Could be the Slogan, if you wanted one.
Take a seat.
Did you want to jump straight in? - What is this? - This is the top oncologist in London.
He's basically the Lewis Hamilton of oncologists.
Well, you know, it's not like we're officially ranked or anything.
He's going to look you over and it's all on me.
Right, I see.
- This is big of you.
- Hey! I love to give.
Forget hipster Bono, I'm the bearded Mandela.
I'm going to take care of your cancer.
Before we get into this, can we talk about your current - diagnosis? - Lung.
Non-small cell, stage four.
- And would you happen to? - M1B.
I've got all the shit somewhere, not on me.
Didn't know I was going to be ambushed by Lewis Hamilton oncology ninja.
And obviously, I'm assuming you've had a prognosis.
All right.
So, what do we do? Do you want to tell him the good news or can I? Unlucky, skid mark.
Your money's no good here.
I'd need to look deeper into it.
This isn't strictly what I'd call a standard consultation.
Mate, we don't want the regular chemo.
We want the premium shit, the primo chemo.
Obviously, I'll make it worth your time.
OK, so you're bribing an oncologist? If what your friend here is telling me is true Not my friend.
Then, sadly the options are very limited.
I'm assuming you've been down this road.
There must be something I can do.
Apparently, there's a big laser on the moon.
And if you fly up there and fire it right down the tip of your penis, you get to live forever.
So, there's nothing I can do? Actually, there is one thing you could do for me.
You could send me there.
Nice little euthanasia clinic in Switzerland.
I looked it up on TripAdvisor.
Apparently, the breakfasts are lovely.
This way, lads! Right, you total, utter bastards, welcome to the band! So, we're like a covers band of your own band? My old band, and we're not a covers band, we're like an offshoot.
Don't worry, we'll still play all the hits.
Saxophone Warfare, Social Insecurity, Goldman Sachs Ate My Baby and then after that, - I thought we could just jam.
- Jamming's extra, man.
Why is jamming extra? Well, playing through songs, that's just, like, playing, isn't it? But jamming, that's creating original content.
All right, fine.
But then, at the end, I thought we could hang out and chat shit and take the piss out of each other.
Right, and how long is that going to take, the chatting shit thing? I don't know, 20 minutes.
OK, well, that will have to be at the same rate as the jamming.
Yeah, man, because it's like jamming, isn't it? But with talking.
All right, add it to the invoice.
But for now, let's just rock out with our cocks out.
She's great, isn't she? Casey? I mean, she's like But she's cool.
I love her mouth.
Certainly a formidable lady.
You just have to work out how to handle her.
You can't go head-on.
She's like the sun.
You can't stare straight at her but you can't flinch away either, because then she'll peck your eyes out like a hawk.
- Just be confident.
- Hmm.
I'll just do that, shall I? I'll be confident.
- Yeah, exactly.
- I was being sarcastic.
All right.
Come at me.
Tell me you're a big deal.
All right.
Oh, I'm such a big deal! Oh, look at me.
I'm a really big deal.
Hello, can I speak to Mr.
President, please? Mr Mr.
Big Deal speaking.
Do it properly.
Ooh! I'm a really big deal.
- Lose the ooh.
- I'm a really big deal.
- Lose the emphasis on really.
- I'm a really big deal.
Don't widen your eyes.
- I'm a really big deal.
- Bit more confident.
- I'm a really big deal.
- Bit louder.
I'm a really big deal! Can I just say, goose bumps over here? Goose bumps the size of molehills.
So, hold on.
I just say the things I normally say sarcastically, just not sarcastically? I'm a really interesting person.
My God, it works! I think I might be in the most boring band in the world.
Well, you can't be because I'm not in them.
No, scratch that.
I'm quite interesting.
It's just a very dry vibe, a very arid, arid vibe.
You need to tidy up your toys, OK? They cannot be out here.
You can't really buy a vibe, can you? You can buy a vibraphone.
Tell you who I thought would make a bloody good roadie for a band? Shane Warne.
Funny bloke, good strong back, plenty of anecdotes.
The motorbikes, the samurai swords, the arcade games, they all need to go in the garage.
We're having a party, here.
Tomorrow night.
I'm having grown-ups over, and they cannot see any of this shit.
We need to look serious and worthy.
And, oh, my God, is that an actual chunk of solid gold? A party, for what? Abi's boyfriend.
The charity thing.
Well, what's that for? It's for walking on, Watto, OK? This is what grown-ups do.
They buy rugs.
Not samurai swords or ingots or tiny methods of transport! Mr.
Young gave me this.
- Dignitas.
- Yeah, he wants me to end it all.
Have him humanely destroyed, or whatever.
He's not a horse, Leon.
- He's a person.
- Oh, man, that's huge! And it's how much, out of interest? How much does one - pay to kill one's old teacher? - Ten grand.
You know, a hit man would probably work out cheaper.
I'm not hiring a hit man, Watto.
Well, I'm not thinking of, like, a shanking.
I'm thinking maybe get a disgruntled NHS - nurse to do it with pillows.
- Leon, - you can't do this.
- Why not? I'm doing a good thing.
- No, you're not.
- I'm paying to end a man's suffering.
- You're paying to have a man killed.
- Exactly, same thing.
No, it's not, it's very much a different thing.
If you grab a woman from behind because she is choking on an onion, fine.
But if you grab a woman from behind because you are feeling - a little bit saucy, not fine, awful.
- Exactly.
Sort of.
- Same moral ballpark.
- But I mean, Josh, in a way, isn't that the same thing as Abi and the charity? No, it absolutely is not - the same thing.
- What's this? Josh gave a load of money to charity to impress Abi.
Now he's hosting a party and he's bought a horrible rug.
Ah! Now it makes sense.
Well done, Josh.
Bravo, exploiting a charity to get a blowy.
No, because I don't even like getting blowies.
They're demeaning.
You're right, you're right, you're such a good person, Josh.
- I am a good person.
- Yeah, you and me both, mate.
We're such good people.
We're basically Bill and Melinda Gates.
You're out of your depth, morally.
You should just stick to buying rollercoasters.
- Or Viking helmets.
- You know what? Bullshit.
I'm sending the old git to Switzerland.
It's pretty big.
It's quite obnoxious.
Josh, it's basically the final five minutes of Grand Designs.
It's beyond obnoxious.
Yeah, it is pretty obnoxious, mate.
But it's odd.
I love it.
You know, I saw homelessness when I was in Canada, on a scale - you probably can't fathom.
- Mm.
A man with no feet living in a plastic barrel.
I just can't stop thinking about him.
Still, love the chrome extractor fan there, mate.
I booked your flight to Switzerland, one-way, obviously.
I'd ask you to bring me back one of those giant Toblerones, but, you know You know what? I'm gonna leave a note saying you made me do it, - so you end up in prison.
- Actually, forget the plane, I'm gonna have you flung over to Switzerland from one of those - giant medieval catapults.
- Is that right? Then I'm gonna have you stuffed and turned into a coffee table.
You would as well, cos you're that fucking gauche.
You can't do it, can you? You can't just say the words, 'Thank you, I'm sorry, I was wrong about you.
' Thank you, I'm sorry, I was wrong about you.
Happy? Can I just have a quick word, please? You brought him to the house.
Yeah, we're finalising travel arrangements.
Mate, this is all getting a bit weird.
Oh, from the man who spent £900 on a carpet just to get a hand-job, - the tug rug! - OK, don't call it that, please.
Oh, Watto, I see your band's here.
We're just hanging out, vibing, - like a band, like friends.
- But you're paying them? Yeah, by the hour.
It does feel a little bit impersonal when your lead guitarist comes out to you with an invoice that says, "Banter, 20 minutes," "£32.
" I suppose at some point I should go over and vibe with them.
Get my money's worth.
Now's the perfect time to practise your skills.
- I'm a very powerful man.
- Sure you are, Bewan, and I'm an 11-year-old Chinese gymnast.
Hey, you gotta take a look at this.
I just had to see what it looked like with a number two behind it.
See, there's two cats, cos it's number two.
Oh, you are shitting me! I am sorry, Casey, but I have a doctorate almost have a doctorate in Applied Computer Sciences and if you think I'm gonna spend the next five years on the same cat factory bullcrap, then you are sorely mistaken.
Yeah, right.
I mean, look what you made without my help.
- Yeah.
- Imagine what we could do together.
We should do a new game, all of us.
Hey! - Cancel my flight.
- Ah, hold that though.
- Get me a suite somewhere.
- Not necessarily.
I am gonna be staying on indefinitely.
- Are you? - I'm so glad we had this chat, - Bewan.
- Me too.
I was like, "That's not a bear, that's Gary.
" He had a beard at the time.
He just Hey, everyone, this is Josh, he's a multi-millionaire.
Well, I like to think of myself as a humanitarian first.
Kind of a Tesco Value equivalent of Mark Zuckerberg.
Josh, what's this? That shouldn't be out.
It's a phone, I think, or a camera or a speaker.
I can't actually remember.
Imagine having so much money that you can just buy things and then forget what they're for.
It's not a, um Don't Well, you're welcome to try.
You know what I'd do if I had millions of pounds? I'd take on blowfly.
Yeah, I'd just sink everything into blowfly, but, you know, some people want the big house, and that's cool.
Yeah, nobody likes a show-off, do they? Did you know that Greg cycled round the whole of Canada? I just wish he'd talk about it a bit more, you know? Because you can never have too many photos of a man in Lycra stood next to a moose, can you? Hang on a second! Are you guys going? I just don't get it, man.
We don't even like banter and Nicholas here, he's just very banter averse, right? Look, I just wanted that feeling again, you know? My own band don't want me! They don't want a man that stands on a rug eating pan-fried Cornish crab! All due respect, man, that band of yours sound like a bunch of shitheads.
Look, you don't stop being a punk just cos you got money.
It's what inside you, man.
So, tell me, what's in here? Well the pounding heart of a nihilistic drumming mad man.
All right, then.
So what do you say we go back in that garage and we play Fleetwood Mac covers for two hours? I still owe you for the rest of the night, don't I? Yeah, man.
Everyone, I'd just like to say some quick thank yous, if I may.
Firstly to all my sponsors, obviously, and I'd also like to thank Josh Connors.
He's our host for the evening who made an incredibly generous donation of £60,000.
Even though he's just trying to have sex with my girlfriend! Isn't that right, Josh? I'm choking! I'm choking on a cheque for £61,000 to Crohn's Relief UK.
Thank you.
61 grand, the biggest cheque of the night.
I am officially the nicest person in the room.
Enough, OK? You dragged me out here, made me sit around watching you.
What is it that you actually want from me? What? What is it that you want? Well, I don't know.
A bit of respect.
Why does it even matter what I think of you? Why? Why are you doing this? All right.
I'll get your coat.
- Abi, you OK? - I'm fine.
Just wanted a minute on my own.
What a dick.
What a dick move.
Do you know what, though, Josh? Actually - You're the dick.
- Hey, - I'm the dick? - Yeah, you're the dick.
You are, the dick is you.
Can you just pop the sword down, please? Right down.
I'm not fucking about, Josh.
I am this close to becoming full-on Welsh Abi right now.
Hang on, I wasn't the one that was out there acting like a total Yeah, I expect that from him, though.
That's his whole thing, he's Greg the big, posh, fuckable clown.
Well Fuckable? Meh.
But you, I expected better.
Cos he's right, isn't he? That's basically what you're doing.
The donation, the party.
What? No.
Abi, come on.
I am not an item, not something you get to buy.
Electronic dartboard, ride-on lawnmower.
Human woman.
Please don't become a prick now that you've got money, Josh.
Just be so disappointing.
I think I remember him, he came to a parents' evening once.
OK, that's definitely not him.
This is why it matters, cos I can't say it to him but I can say it to you.
- I was a shitty teacher.
- Yeah, you were.
Suck my balls, Dad.
Suck his balls, Leon's dad.
Take it away, boys.
I used these guys before, they're great.
Fuck you Fuck you-ooh Bum, bum, bum To fuck you, fuck you, fuck you To fuck you, fuck you, To fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you Fuck you.
10am, Casey should be somewhere over Denver right now, which means we can all just unclench, get back to normal.
No more miscellaneous old men.
Morning, boys.
Hey, Casey, what are you still doing here? Great question.
Bewan, do you wanna field this one? Oh, yes.
We decided between us we would like to work on a new game together.
Huh? Oh, come on, don't worry.
I won't be stepping on anyone's toes.
Just a bit of oversight.
Make sure there's no more dildos in the closet.
Now get back to work.
You can put that in the top drawer, Naomi.
Great, thanks, Ewan.
She's gonna juice us like a London orange.
[MUSIC]: Rich Kid Blues by Terry Reid Oh, God.
It grew back.