Loaded (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Watto's Mum
[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC, BANGING.]
- Ow, Abbey! - Yes! - That was right in the throat! - God, I'm so sorry, are you all right? What're you doing? We're playing The Hunt For Bin Laden.
Oh, that's funny, Josh.
I thought you hated guns, mate? Yeah, well, inside the house, because Watto chipped the kitchen unit with his pump action Nerf gun, - so - Oh, yeah.
Anyway, come inside, I've got something important to show you.
OK, we'll be in in a sec.
We're just going to wrap things up here.
Yeah, see you later.
Right, count to 20, you yellow-bellied chicken fucker.
One, two, three, four, five, six Are you ready? The pool - is finished.
- I have bought a shit-ton of inflatables just for this very occasion.
- What did we say about spending habits? - Fine, I'll return half of them, but I'm keeping the giant pretzel.
Not really a pool, though, is it? It's just a big storage tank.
The lady does maketh a good point.
Gentlemen, may I be the first to say last one in is a loser.
- What the fuck? - Why is it black? It's not, I got dark tiles.
It just makes me think of death.
Yeah, it's concrete chic, Abbey, - you wouldn't understand.
- I don't.
It's really deep.
It's essentially a pothole.
Yeah, a pothole of death.
I feel like the creature from the Black Lagoon is gonna come lurching out at me.
All right, who's coming in? No? - Fine, suit yourselves.
- I'm gonna get ready for work.
I hereby christen it [MYSTERIOUSLY.]
The abyss.
Morning.
I've got some very exciting news.
The Emperor's coming.
- Where, here? - Yeah, here.
Here to London! The Emperor's coming to London.
Rejoice! Hooray! Sorry, what happened to your face? Oh, nothing, it's just fresh filler.
Anyway, he's gonna want to take you to dinner tomorrow night.
- Shit, that's soon.
- Yeah, all of you.
I mean, when I say all of you, I mean not you and Watto, obviously.
Yeah, fuck yeah! OK, mocha, macchiato, green tea, latte, kale smoothie, and a flat white.
- Is this mine? - Yeah, I got one for everyone.
Am I officially on the coffee run now? Wow, you guys! I feel like I just became a made man! Why is he coming here? He's not coming here to talk us into doing a sequel, is he? You told him we're not doing it? Of course, he just wants to hear your brilliant idea.
So get your pitching socks on.
Oh, and also bring dates.
You don't want to look like losers.
Can you put this straw in my mouth? I can't feel my face.
[SHE SLURPS NOISILY.]
OK.
Leon, I want a progress report by the end of the day, hm? Thanks for the coffee.
Progress report? What does she mean, Leon? You're heading up the game? - Why? Why would she do that? - I don't know.
I think - she just spotted something in me - Nah, not that, she's up - to something.
- Oh, OK, cos why else would - she put me in charge? - Exactly.
This is a mind game, like you say.
You think I can't do what you do? I know what's going on.
God, this is Obama handing over the White House to Donald Trump, isn't it? - You're gonna defile my legacy.
- No, actually, Josh, I'm gonna do a really good job, and I'll be decisive, unlike you taking six months to repair dungarees.
That was a key dungaree, Leon, from a character point of view.
OK, fine, fine.
You're the boss.
Should be a laugh, actually.
So come on then, Mr.
Manager.
What game are we gonna do next? Oh, well, we don't know, Josh, because we're waiting for you to have an idea.
Oh, Watto, no, no.
You don't tip the yoghurt into the fruit, you tip the fruit into the yoghurt.
Small comer into big the comer.
You can do it how you want.
- On your head be it.
- Watto, there's a lady here with some big balloons, and she's saying she's your mum.
My mum? That's my mum! My mum! - My mum's here! - Look what the cat dragged in.
Only me.
Mum! My mum's here! [SHE LAUGHS.]
Let me kiss my baby.
100 kisses, my favourite boy.
Mum, what are you doing here? I just wanted to say happy birthday.
Oh, wow.
I really appreciate that, thanks.
- That's amazing.
- It was in March.
Yeah, I know when it was, thank you.
I've got a vagina the size of a windsock thanks to his big lumpen head.
Pretty massive lumpen cranium.
Also, it was his 30th.
Hm.
They'd run out of notes.
They probably hadn't ordered as many in because, statistically speaking, you need less of those.
- Interesting fact.
- Yeah, well, I used to run a party ephemera business.
Still got a warehouse full of chocolate cocks somewhere - if anyone wants one.
- I'll eat any kind of edible dick.
Oh, Adam, you pillock, you don't put the yoghurt in the fruit, you put the fruit in the yoghurt.
- Yes, Mum.
- So you listen when she tells you.
Let's get out of here.
Office, walls, closing in.
How's about that pub across the road, eh? Oh, that's probably not a good idea.
Oh, right.
Can you not? I guess we could always have a coffee.
I just really wanted a main meal, that's all.
Nah, it'll be all right.
- Yeah? - Yeah, pub.
Let's celebrate! Come on.
Yes.
To paraphrase a great man, I ain't necessarily saying she's a gold digger, per se, but she don't seem to be messing with no broke Ni I can't say the next bit, but you get the point.
- You think? - He hasn't seen her in years.
She left when he was 16, during his GCSEs.
She sold the house and didn't even tell him.
He just came back from school one day and found - his mega drive in a skip.
- You don't do that.
Not to a man's console.
All I'm saying is we need to be on high alert.
These are on Mum.
- Oh, thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers! - Ordered still, but sparkling's fine.
Don't worry, I've only got reflux.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
You look really well.
I'm trying.
A day at a time.
You know I would've been there for you through all that - if I could've been.
- I know that, Mum.
Had to go to India.
Business opportunity.
- You know lint? - Sure.
- The chocolate bunnies.
- No, lint the fluff.
Oh, lint the fluff! I had a factory in Karachi turning out 10,000 lint shavers a month.
I was the queen of lint.
They used to call me Lint Eastwood.
Wow, respect, your mum's a bad arse, Watto.
But then the bottom fell out of the whole market.
Everyone just went roller.
Here comes the sob story.
Anyway, I have got some news, actually.
My latest business venture has, well, not to come across as unseemly, but I have made a fucking killing! Wow, amazing.
Congratulations.
Mum, that's great, cos I've actually come into a little bit of money myself.
- We sold the game.
- How many copies? No, Mum, like, all of it.
We sold it to an American corporation.
In summary, this group of ragtag wankers are millionaires.
OK, OK.
This is my jaw.
This is the floor.
My jaw hitting the floor.
I don't believe it.
You're proud of me? Oh, Adam, I'm always proud of you.
Aw, this is nice.
Nice moment.
[SOBS.]
Sorry.
I-I I just Just need a moment.
Mum, Mum, Mum Mum, are you all right? - Ewan, what are you doing? - Examining it for tears.
It's dry, Josh.
No moisture was excreted from her eyeballs.
Josh, these are our dates.
You can have first pick.
Hello, hi.
What's this for? For dinner tomorrow.
- With the Emperor.
- You can't do that! These are human beings, not cattle.
Women.
Really attractive women.
With rights and feelings and dreams, right, girls? Josh, they would really like to go to dinner with us.
No, I'm taking Abbey.
Oh, you can't take Abbey, she'll say stuff, weird stuff, true stuff.
Exactly, that's what I like about her.
That's what everyone likes about her.
Nobody likes that about her.
That's what people don't like about her.
- Unbelievable.
- If you're bringing Abbey, tweak the EQ a bit.
Turn her personality down, and brainstorming tonight in the pool.
No.
We, um, have a pool.
It's pretty much the deepest pool in Europe.
[SHE GASPS.]
I'm staring into the abyss.
There's no shallow end.
It's essentially an infinity pool, only instead of going out, it just goes down.
- Forever.
- Josh, pitch me.
- Excuse me? - Your ideas, pitch me.
You're loving this, aren't you? You're really enjoying this.
No, it's fine.
I'll indulge it.
Aww, now I've got water on the ideas.
This is why you typically brainstorm in a boardroom, Leon, not in, say, the never-ending spooky well.
What about that, um, that Viking game you had an idea for? What, the city builder thing? Where you make settlements? No, no Vikings.
They're basically the first proponents of rape culture, and I just think we should steer very well clear of that.
Post-Savile.
It's like the world's most existential pool party.
OK, OK, how about this? A survival game a la Minecraft, but you're a refugee trying to smuggle yourself into the UK in the back of an Eddie Stobart lorry.
That doesn't sound like fun.
All right.
Let's just throw some words around.
Yeah, because this is how all the great art was made.
Topless men, sitting on inflatable pretzels, free associating.
Oh, I've been thinking about a game, a slalom game.
Slalom game.
You're basically a raindrop going down someone's window.
And the more raindrops you gather, the bigger you get.
I can show you a tech demo.
That's good, that's good.
Slalom games?! Survival game! Refugee! Emperor Will's down in nine hours.
Get me some ideas.
- Get me some ideas! - Don't! Don't! - See how you like it.
- Don't! - [JOSH LAUGHS.]
- Josh! It's actually quite nice.
Somebody just touched my leg! Whoo! - Wait for me! - What is it? What is it? Master, I cleaned out all the stables, - what would you like me to do now? - What? I'll be the stable girl, you'll be the master of the house.
Can we not? Leon's put me in charge of coming up with ideas.
I've got all the responsibility, but no power.
- What about the Viking one? - No.
- We're not doing that.
- Why? Because because I don't want to say while we're in the middle of this.
My problem Is too many ideas.
I've got a Tourette's of ideas, they just keep popping out.
Oh, hang on.
- Can you stop talking now? - Also, you should focus on thinking of something worthwhile.
I mean, I love it, obviously.
But Cat Factory, it's It's just a life drain.
Just a waste of life.
Your job is basically wasting people's lives.
You just did the opposite of dirty talk.
You literally just talked down my erection, my penis erection.
Well done.
So what do you think? Oh, nice.
It's like something out of The Real Housewives Of Miami.
Not entirely the look we're going for.
Why don't you stay here tonight? No, I'm all unpacked at the hotel.
Plus, I wouldn't want to impose.
We've got loads of space.
Why don't I cook something for you, eh? Yeah, all right.
Well, I have put on lamb for him is the only thing.
How about an omelette? You used to love my omelettes.
Always space for one of Mum's omelettes! Nothing makes me happier than looking after my best boy.
You know what I'd really love? - What? Hm? - For tomorrow.
A packed lunch.
- Oh, yeah? - It's just the sandwiches on the trolley, they're always a bit, you know.
And I loved it that time when you actually made me one.
Because I always ate school dinners, and I think that that day, that was the best lunch that I ever, ever had.
Yeah, I can't really remember what I put in them, to be honest.
Oh, that's all right, don't worry about it.
No, Adam, for you, anything.
And how long are you likely to be around, Pamela? Not sure.
Got loads of business meetings to go to.
- Have you? - Tell him about your new business! Go on, it's genius! A new innovation in swimwear.
Halfway between a short and a trunk, but made from a breathable polyester mesh developed by NASA, based on a ten-year study of high-density penguin feathers.
Rub it on your face.
I don't want to rub it on my face, thank you.
Soft, isn't it? Such a great product.
I only wish I could invest in it myself.
Oh, not sure that's such a good idea, Adam.
I agree, Watto, tighten the belt, remember? We're tightening my belt.
Tell her why, please.
RGT Industries.
I got talked into investing into some GM crops they're manufacturing down in Marley.
Runner beans, but massive.
I've seen photos of some of them, and they're basically as big as toddlers.
Wow! Literally spent his money on some magic beans.
But not all of it? I mean, you are solvent.
Yeah, I am.
- Am I? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Oh, thank God.
It's just that as a mum, you know? As long as you're OK.
- [BEEPING.]
- My pan! Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I'm so useless.
Oh, don't worry, Mum.
I'll take you out for a lovely dinner, go and put your coat on.
Watto You can tell me to F off, or I'm being a total busy prick, but Just watch out, yeah? - What do you mean? - You know, I'm just looking out for you.
Like I always do.
You know what, Ewan, fuck off, you total busy prick.
Cheese salad roll.
Grapes.
Crisps.
Fucking Yoghurt.
More grapes.
Four fingers.
A scratch card.
And just a Whole load of loose trail mix.
Yeah, great.
Such a lot of trail mix.
I mean, I know it's just a roll.
But look at that.
Yeah? Crusty.
A little bit of salad.
Ohhh! It's an absolute design classic.
I mean, she went out and she got all this stuff.
You know? The cheese and whatever, and made it for me.
She made it for me with her own bare hands.
God, you're so lucky.
I know I am.
And Two quid! It's a winner! This is the best lunch I've ever had.
Mum! You nailed it, Mum! I mean, you really put the packed into packed lunch.
And the scratch card, which I've won on, by the way 'Good.
No, I'm glad someone's having a good day.
' - Why? What's up? - No, it's nothing.
It's just one of my investors pulled out.
Are you around tonight? 'I have a business opportunity to discuss.
' 'Can you get a car to pick me up?' - I'm not talking to you, Ewan.
- Huh! But if I was, I'd be asking how much cash can I get out in one go? She's asked for money? She's outright asking for it? It's 100 grand, Ewan.
It's fuck all.
All right, Barney? I've spent more than that on kendo suits and they don't even fit me.
Watto, and it's hard for me to say this, but I think she might be scamming you.
OK, Ewan, you might be right.
Maybe she is.
But then maybe she isn't.
But if it means that she sticks around this time then that's money well spent.
Look, I don't want to be the voice of negativity here.
- I just - Stop pushing me around, Ewan! Maybe you should take a look at your own life, instead of sticking a beak into mine all the time, you Shit Mary Poppins.
I've got nothing.
OK? I have nothing.
I might as well declare myself creatively bankrupt.
Josh, you're the ideas guy.
- You'll think of something.
- What if I don't? What if I don't have another good idea for the rest of my life? Woody Allen was 60 before he went shit.
I'm only 31.
- I've had an idea.
- Oh, thank God! - Not for a game.
- Bollocks.
We stage an intervention, save Watto from his mum.
Oh, Ewan! She seems nice.
UK, Companies House, no filings.
Bankruptcy, three times.
Napkin, dry! Ewan, just stay out of it.
You're not his mum.
I'm a better mum to him then Pam will ever be.
That bloody omelette.
Who puts water in an omelette? Milk! He likes it with milk.
Look, if you're so concerned, deal with it, all right? We're a bit busy trying to come up with a God, heads-up.
Him! - What's happening? - You said you wanted a haircut - before the dinner tonight.
- No, I didn't.
- It's fine.
Just - No, it's not fine.
I didn't consent to this.
I'm quite literally being groomed.
Look, you listen to me.
Tonight is very important.
No polo necks.
No slip-ons.
Do not prevaricate over the menu.
Don't say thank you in triplicate.
Thanks! Cheers! Ta! I want a strong handshake with a dry hand.
In summary, DBB.
Don't Be British! Huh? - Got it? - You're just going to take this? What? It's self-improvement.
It's Scientology, Leon.
She's basically just erased our minds and now she's reprogramming them.
L Ron Casey! Thanks, Josh.
Can I have a quick word? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
You, stay.
Do his hair.
Boy oh boy! Huh? He's all worked up.
So, how's it going? Yeah, yeah, we're just, um Honing the pitch.
Ironing out the wrinkles.
Oh, my God! You don't have an idea, do you? Well, Josh is still working on some stuff.
- But we'll get there.
- Shit! OK.
OK.
Listen, Leon, I want to share something with you.
Buying you was my idea, all mine.
I waggled my little white ass over that parapet and I said, 'Yeah, these boys are really worth something.
' Yeah? No! Thank you.
'Yeah.
No.
Thank you.
' Sharpen yourself up, Leon.
This is your chance to impress the emperor.
You're going to leave your fate in Josh's hands? There's only one way to climb to the top of Mount Rushmore, Leon.
By treading on people's faces.
Fuck! Are you busy? No, not really.
Casey has a nemesis.
She likes me to monitor all of her social media activity - and then compile a brief report - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's Watto.
His mum's trying to rip him off.
I thought she seemed a bit weird.
Finally! Finally someone gets it.
Shit! He's seeing her tonight.
He asked me to send a car to pick her up from her hotel.
She's going to fleece him.
We have to do something.
We can't just let this happen.
Cancel the car and give me the address of the hotel.
What are you going to do? I'm going to channel my inner Linda Carter.
It's really important at these occasions just to listen, you know? Not to speak.
Just listen.
Process.
Yeah? Thank you.
Think about what you've heard but don't necessarily respond until later when we're at home alone.
Josh, are you telling me how to behave? Whoa! Oh, Jesus.
He really brought her.
Yo! This is Kelly.
You look fucking incredible! Oh, you smell like meadows! Were we supposed to be smart? I came straight from work.
[SHE SNIFFS.]
Seems fine.
So what do you do? She's a model.
She's just been in Monaco for the Grand Prix, clapping the driver who won.
- I don't understand.
- When the driver wins, he walks to the podium past the clapping women.
That's a job? Clapping men? That's a disgrace.
I'm appalled on your behalf.
It's amazing! I want to do it.
I don't think you can do what Kelly does.
They only pick about 36 women.
Why not? I can clap.
Can you teach me how to clap? Show me the clap.
You have to pay me to clap.
- Josh will pay.
- No, I won't.
So Josh, I've been thinking.
Executive decree.
We're pitching the sequel.
- No, we're not.
- What else have we got? And what's - so bad about doing a sequel? - Because They're lazy and cynical.
I'm lazy and cynical.
Well, I'm not.
See, this is why you don't give the nuclear codes to a lunatic.
Oh, piss off, Josh.
I'm sorry.
All right? I just think we should hold our nerve.
All right.
Well you've got until the emperor gets here - to think of something better.
- Is it like this? Bigger? I can clap any way.
This is what I was talking about, yeah? [HORN HONKS.]
OK, right - Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
Ooh! Letting me out.
Nice man.
- I'll speak to you later.
Bye.
- OK, there's something I want to say to you and I'm just going to say it.
Watto is one of my best friends and I've been there for him - through thick and thin.
So - Sorry, are you speaking to me? - You're not Pam! - This isn't the right way.
- Who are you? - You're my Uber.
No, I thought you were Pam.
And who the fuck are you? I'm Ewan.
Why are you not Pam?! Let me out.
I want to get out.
Not on the Westway.
It's a death trap.
Stop the car! I'm being kidnapped! Yeah, Adam, the car didn't show.
I need you to come and get me.
No-one's letting me out.
They won't let me over.
What are you doing? What are you doing now? Let me keep my eyes on the road! OK, OK.
I'm pulling in! - Please just stop hitting me.
- No, no! I'm feeling very flustered.
Oh, oh! - I'm sorry.
- Oh! All middle-aged women look the same to me.
- OK? Only for about 40 seconds! - You kidnapped me.
I mean, there must be some kind of grace period for these things? - Where the hell are we? - Under a flyover, - which isn't helping, frankly.
- OK, I'm calling the police.
No, please, don't do that.
I'm perfectly harmless.
I'm weak.
I'm a weed.
And not like one of those men who's physically weak so therefore feels the need to physically dominate women.
- You know what I mean? - Jesus, I'm going to die.
Oh, that's what I'm saying! I'm saying I'm not one of those.
- Police, please.
- National Trust.
Membership of the Lib Dems.
Holland & Barrett loyalty card.
This is not the wallet of a psychopath.
Or money, I'll give you money, anything.
Please.
Nine grand? OK, yeah, this is good, except you should be sitting there and you should be sitting there.
And can we do something about this? - Comb it with a fork? - No, don't do that.
That looks insane.
It's this table.
Why'd you let them seat you at this shitty table? Now I have to find a better table.
Leon, let's just busk something.
Buy us some time.
The emperor's an old man, he's not going to know about games.
Any random collection of words sounds like a plausible iPhone game.
It's all about beards these days, isn't it? - Beards.
- Yes.
Very beardy.
Very, very beardy.
After level 140, there's too much emphasis on luck rather than skill.
Cat Factory, yeah? Are you? Oh, my God, so good to meet you.
Leon Harper, Idle Hands.
I'm the John Lennon of the group.
- This is the Paul.
- Hi, Paul.
No, no, no, I mean he's Just give me a second.
I've just seen someone I know.
Well, there's no more tables, so we'll just have to make do.
What's that? The emperor's here? Where'd he go? Oh, my God.
What did you do? Nothing.
Just introduced ourselves.
He saw someone and said he'd be right back.
- He was here like three seconds.
- OK, OK, just tell me every syllable that was uttered so I can figure out - how badly you fucked this up for me.
- Well, Leon introduced Josh as Paul.
- What? - Thank you, Abi.
It was just a thing.
I had it all worked out so he'd think we were going to be as big as the Beatles.
He said he was John Lennon.
Really? OK.
So too soon for me to shoot you? Before that you said the thing about the beards.
- What about beards? - I just said they were very beardy.
- Oh! - Then you repeated it, Josh.
You were like, "Very, very beardy.
" OK, could you just stay out of this, please, Abi? My one's not getting involved, Josh, you see that? Totally blank.
[SHE SNIFFS.]
Projections, set-up costs, overheads.
Yeah.
It's exciting.
A nice little family business.
Yeah.
Maybe, yeah.
Oh, right, yeah, do you recognise this? - Yes, I do.
- Anywhere here, mate.
Please, just on this corner.
There you go.
Keep the change, it's 20.
Here we are.
Look, it's number eight.
Adam, what are you doing? - Yeah? - Hello, mate.
I'm Watto, and I have a business proposition for you.
- You selling dusters? - Not quite.
Can we come in? Why hasn't he come back for his sucky spoon? He always has a sucky spoon.
We should just leave.
He's obviously incredibly perceptive.
He took one look at me and saw a creatively barren man - and just bolted.
- Oh, relax, he's coming back.
- He said he was, and he will.
- Yeah.
Leon's right.
He has to come back for his spoon.
We just have to bide our time.
He'll get bored of them soon.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
God! You know what? I've never met people who can fuck up saying hello before.
Are you ready to order? I'll have the veggie salad.
- Certainly.
- Can I get the spaghetti, please? - Of course.
- Yeah, the risotto does it come with shellfish? I have an allergy.
Just eat it.
Fucking unbelievable.
Give me the feta salad.
- Have you got anything flambed? - Um, the Crepe Suzette.
- Great.
Get me that.
- You're having dessert first? Yeah, I want something on fire.
You know, get his attention, - remind him we're still here.
- That's a great idea.
And then what? He comes over here and realises you can't even eat dinner in the right order? Yeah, not very Fortune 500, is it? Ordering pudding for dinner.
All right, fine.
Get me the pork chop, and set it on fire.
I want big fucking flames.
[LAUGHTER.]
[HE LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
What are you doing? I'm showing him that we're having a good time without him.
Come on.
[THEY LAUGH LOUDLY.]
[HE CHORTLES.]
What the fuck is that, Josh? You're not Father Christmas.
I'm trying my best, Leon.
I can't do fake laughs.
It's easy.
[SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
You know what? This is what I get for my 300 million? Laughing gnomes? My God, we never should have bought you.
Maybe we shouldn't have sold to you.
Right.
I'm going to go to the little girl's room, because I need a slash.
See what happens when you're in charge, Leon? Oh, my God! He has a spare spoon.
He's never coming back.
And the stairs and the kitchen and the dining area and the lounge, and even my bedroom, everything's just the same.
- What do they want? - I want to buy your house.
- It's not for sale.
- Why are you buying their house? He ain't! It's not for sale.
It's not their house, it's our house.
We can live in it together again.
Why is he saying it's his house? Adam, it's not our house.
Don't worry, it's not his house.
- You ain't having it.
- I'll offer you a million quid for it.
Obviously we're open to offers.
Adam, it's worth about 300 grand.
Uh, 400 we've put in an extension and a loft conversion.
- OK, 1.
3.
- Deal! Let's shake on it.
Your risotto, sir.
Oh, my God.
She's talking to him.
- I'm sure it will all be fine.
- OK, she needs to be neutralised.
She's sucking his spoon! Do something, Josh.
Rugby tackle her.
Eat a shrimp.
Come on.
You're allergic.
I'll go into an anaphylactic shock! - Perfect.
- See, this is why you don't bring Abi.
She's a liability.
Oh, yeah, because things were going so well before, weren't they, John? What were you doing? You sucked his spoon.
Oh, what, you're jealous now because I sucked another man's spoon? What did he say? I told him the last time that I came to a restaurant round here I got food poisoning and shat myself.
I don't care what you said.
What did he say? Well, I told him about your new idea, and he loved it.
He said, yeah, go ahead and make it.
- What idea? - The one about the Vikings? The Viking game? The city-building game? Well, it looks like someone saved your asses.
So if we do the Viking game, you promise there's not to be a sequel? We are not making Cat Factory 2? - You have my solemn vow.
No sequel.
- Great.
Nice one, Abi.
I thought you didn't want to do the Viking game, Josh.
I thought it glorified rape culture.
Well, you know one can get a bit precious about these things.
Looks like I may have backed the wrong horse after all.
Yes.
Apology accepted.
Work for me.
Her? Seriously?! Hmm.
Nah.
No offence, just games.
I don't want to be stuck here making games for ever.
Oh, shit, he's coming.
Hey.
Leslie, hi.
- Join us, have a seat.
- Sorry, I need to be going - I'm meeting someone at my club.
- OK.
Um Would you like to join me? Sure.
Yeah.
Why not? It's fun.
Have fun, then.
OK.
What just happened? It looks like she just got a better offer.
And I for one applaud her.
And that's how it all started, really.
We all just got rich and as soon as that happened Watto's mum came crawling out of the woodwork.
Maybe she just wanted to see him? I don't think so.
That's not how human relationships work.
Just makes me glad I never told my parents.
They don't know you've got money? No, we operate a very strict don't ask, don't tell policy in my family.
- They still think I'm doing my PhD.
- Oh, wow.
My mum's 70 and cold and unforgiving.
But lovely with it.
I just couldn't face telling her about the butter incident.
What butter incident? Oh, I was studying applied computer sciences and fell in love with my professor.
Then carved his name into some butter, broke into his house and left it in his fridge.
- Oh that's sweet.
- Is it? - No, not really.
- No.
Uni kicked me out and mother doesn't even know I'm gay, so I was just like, how do you explain this one, Ewan? Look, no offence, but shouldn't you be dealing with your own stuff? I mean, you seem to have a lot of stuff.
Unresolved stuff.
Who's looking after you? - [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh! Ah, the real Uber is on its way.
It's a shame, actually I'm actually enjoying this.
I should kidnap women more often.
No, sure.
- [CAR HORN.]
- Oh! Here he is.
Right.
E-mail me your account number and your sort code and I will ping over the 9,000.
- There's no need for that.
- Please, I've never had therapy before.
It feels like I've had a crash course.
That was a close call tonight.
Look, it all worked out.
We got a game, and I'm jazzed about it.
Do not disappoint me again, Leon.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Well, goodnight.
Adam, you're not buying it.
Why would you want to live in this shithole? - I beg your pardon? - Because this is the best house ever.
1.
5.
Yeah, all right, 1.
5.
[WHISPERS.]
Get him to sign something.
Love, listen to me.
Mum, losing this place was the worst thing that ever happened to us.
But we didn't lose it, did we? I just didn't want it any more.
Yeah, but you had to go away because you were working.
Adam, I love working.
I love travelling.
I do it because I want to.
Because I'll go mad if I stay still.
In one place.
Let's face it, I was never a great mum.
Yes, you were.
- You were just busy.
- But I love chasing a deal.
It's What makes me feel alive.
Look, just take my money and the house, and we can just start over.
Adam, I wanted to tell you.
I've I've had an offer from China, An investor over there.
And The tax benefits are just really, really great.
You know.
Too good to turn down, to be honest, so Sorry, love.
It's just business.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, love, I just I just can't.
I think we said 1.
5, if you could just sign here.
Watto, mate, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have interfered.
You were right.
- Mum's gone.
- She's gone? Where's she gone? She didn't take your money? - That's great.
- I wanted her to have it.
Mate, you shouldn't have to pay people to be with you.
That's the thing.
You can't.
Because I really tried.
So, who's coming in? Come on, Josh.
We're having fun, remember? I'm just going to let my food go down.
Bubbles, I see bubbles! Josh, get in there and make sure she's all right.
- You get in there! - She's your girlfriend.
Get in! - I'm not getting in there.
- Dude, I'm with Josh, - I say just wait this one out.
- Get in there! - Get in! - Oh, God! Abi! Abi?
- Ow, Abbey! - Yes! - That was right in the throat! - God, I'm so sorry, are you all right? What're you doing? We're playing The Hunt For Bin Laden.
Oh, that's funny, Josh.
I thought you hated guns, mate? Yeah, well, inside the house, because Watto chipped the kitchen unit with his pump action Nerf gun, - so - Oh, yeah.
Anyway, come inside, I've got something important to show you.
OK, we'll be in in a sec.
We're just going to wrap things up here.
Yeah, see you later.
Right, count to 20, you yellow-bellied chicken fucker.
One, two, three, four, five, six Are you ready? The pool - is finished.
- I have bought a shit-ton of inflatables just for this very occasion.
- What did we say about spending habits? - Fine, I'll return half of them, but I'm keeping the giant pretzel.
Not really a pool, though, is it? It's just a big storage tank.
The lady does maketh a good point.
Gentlemen, may I be the first to say last one in is a loser.
- What the fuck? - Why is it black? It's not, I got dark tiles.
It just makes me think of death.
Yeah, it's concrete chic, Abbey, - you wouldn't understand.
- I don't.
It's really deep.
It's essentially a pothole.
Yeah, a pothole of death.
I feel like the creature from the Black Lagoon is gonna come lurching out at me.
All right, who's coming in? No? - Fine, suit yourselves.
- I'm gonna get ready for work.
I hereby christen it [MYSTERIOUSLY.]
The abyss.
Morning.
I've got some very exciting news.
The Emperor's coming.
- Where, here? - Yeah, here.
Here to London! The Emperor's coming to London.
Rejoice! Hooray! Sorry, what happened to your face? Oh, nothing, it's just fresh filler.
Anyway, he's gonna want to take you to dinner tomorrow night.
- Shit, that's soon.
- Yeah, all of you.
I mean, when I say all of you, I mean not you and Watto, obviously.
Yeah, fuck yeah! OK, mocha, macchiato, green tea, latte, kale smoothie, and a flat white.
- Is this mine? - Yeah, I got one for everyone.
Am I officially on the coffee run now? Wow, you guys! I feel like I just became a made man! Why is he coming here? He's not coming here to talk us into doing a sequel, is he? You told him we're not doing it? Of course, he just wants to hear your brilliant idea.
So get your pitching socks on.
Oh, and also bring dates.
You don't want to look like losers.
Can you put this straw in my mouth? I can't feel my face.
[SHE SLURPS NOISILY.]
OK.
Leon, I want a progress report by the end of the day, hm? Thanks for the coffee.
Progress report? What does she mean, Leon? You're heading up the game? - Why? Why would she do that? - I don't know.
I think - she just spotted something in me - Nah, not that, she's up - to something.
- Oh, OK, cos why else would - she put me in charge? - Exactly.
This is a mind game, like you say.
You think I can't do what you do? I know what's going on.
God, this is Obama handing over the White House to Donald Trump, isn't it? - You're gonna defile my legacy.
- No, actually, Josh, I'm gonna do a really good job, and I'll be decisive, unlike you taking six months to repair dungarees.
That was a key dungaree, Leon, from a character point of view.
OK, fine, fine.
You're the boss.
Should be a laugh, actually.
So come on then, Mr.
Manager.
What game are we gonna do next? Oh, well, we don't know, Josh, because we're waiting for you to have an idea.
Oh, Watto, no, no.
You don't tip the yoghurt into the fruit, you tip the fruit into the yoghurt.
Small comer into big the comer.
You can do it how you want.
- On your head be it.
- Watto, there's a lady here with some big balloons, and she's saying she's your mum.
My mum? That's my mum! My mum! - My mum's here! - Look what the cat dragged in.
Only me.
Mum! My mum's here! [SHE LAUGHS.]
Let me kiss my baby.
100 kisses, my favourite boy.
Mum, what are you doing here? I just wanted to say happy birthday.
Oh, wow.
I really appreciate that, thanks.
- That's amazing.
- It was in March.
Yeah, I know when it was, thank you.
I've got a vagina the size of a windsock thanks to his big lumpen head.
Pretty massive lumpen cranium.
Also, it was his 30th.
Hm.
They'd run out of notes.
They probably hadn't ordered as many in because, statistically speaking, you need less of those.
- Interesting fact.
- Yeah, well, I used to run a party ephemera business.
Still got a warehouse full of chocolate cocks somewhere - if anyone wants one.
- I'll eat any kind of edible dick.
Oh, Adam, you pillock, you don't put the yoghurt in the fruit, you put the fruit in the yoghurt.
- Yes, Mum.
- So you listen when she tells you.
Let's get out of here.
Office, walls, closing in.
How's about that pub across the road, eh? Oh, that's probably not a good idea.
Oh, right.
Can you not? I guess we could always have a coffee.
I just really wanted a main meal, that's all.
Nah, it'll be all right.
- Yeah? - Yeah, pub.
Let's celebrate! Come on.
Yes.
To paraphrase a great man, I ain't necessarily saying she's a gold digger, per se, but she don't seem to be messing with no broke Ni I can't say the next bit, but you get the point.
- You think? - He hasn't seen her in years.
She left when he was 16, during his GCSEs.
She sold the house and didn't even tell him.
He just came back from school one day and found - his mega drive in a skip.
- You don't do that.
Not to a man's console.
All I'm saying is we need to be on high alert.
These are on Mum.
- Oh, thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers! - Ordered still, but sparkling's fine.
Don't worry, I've only got reflux.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
You look really well.
I'm trying.
A day at a time.
You know I would've been there for you through all that - if I could've been.
- I know that, Mum.
Had to go to India.
Business opportunity.
- You know lint? - Sure.
- The chocolate bunnies.
- No, lint the fluff.
Oh, lint the fluff! I had a factory in Karachi turning out 10,000 lint shavers a month.
I was the queen of lint.
They used to call me Lint Eastwood.
Wow, respect, your mum's a bad arse, Watto.
But then the bottom fell out of the whole market.
Everyone just went roller.
Here comes the sob story.
Anyway, I have got some news, actually.
My latest business venture has, well, not to come across as unseemly, but I have made a fucking killing! Wow, amazing.
Congratulations.
Mum, that's great, cos I've actually come into a little bit of money myself.
- We sold the game.
- How many copies? No, Mum, like, all of it.
We sold it to an American corporation.
In summary, this group of ragtag wankers are millionaires.
OK, OK.
This is my jaw.
This is the floor.
My jaw hitting the floor.
I don't believe it.
You're proud of me? Oh, Adam, I'm always proud of you.
Aw, this is nice.
Nice moment.
[SOBS.]
Sorry.
I-I I just Just need a moment.
Mum, Mum, Mum Mum, are you all right? - Ewan, what are you doing? - Examining it for tears.
It's dry, Josh.
No moisture was excreted from her eyeballs.
Josh, these are our dates.
You can have first pick.
Hello, hi.
What's this for? For dinner tomorrow.
- With the Emperor.
- You can't do that! These are human beings, not cattle.
Women.
Really attractive women.
With rights and feelings and dreams, right, girls? Josh, they would really like to go to dinner with us.
No, I'm taking Abbey.
Oh, you can't take Abbey, she'll say stuff, weird stuff, true stuff.
Exactly, that's what I like about her.
That's what everyone likes about her.
Nobody likes that about her.
That's what people don't like about her.
- Unbelievable.
- If you're bringing Abbey, tweak the EQ a bit.
Turn her personality down, and brainstorming tonight in the pool.
No.
We, um, have a pool.
It's pretty much the deepest pool in Europe.
[SHE GASPS.]
I'm staring into the abyss.
There's no shallow end.
It's essentially an infinity pool, only instead of going out, it just goes down.
- Forever.
- Josh, pitch me.
- Excuse me? - Your ideas, pitch me.
You're loving this, aren't you? You're really enjoying this.
No, it's fine.
I'll indulge it.
Aww, now I've got water on the ideas.
This is why you typically brainstorm in a boardroom, Leon, not in, say, the never-ending spooky well.
What about that, um, that Viking game you had an idea for? What, the city builder thing? Where you make settlements? No, no Vikings.
They're basically the first proponents of rape culture, and I just think we should steer very well clear of that.
Post-Savile.
It's like the world's most existential pool party.
OK, OK, how about this? A survival game a la Minecraft, but you're a refugee trying to smuggle yourself into the UK in the back of an Eddie Stobart lorry.
That doesn't sound like fun.
All right.
Let's just throw some words around.
Yeah, because this is how all the great art was made.
Topless men, sitting on inflatable pretzels, free associating.
Oh, I've been thinking about a game, a slalom game.
Slalom game.
You're basically a raindrop going down someone's window.
And the more raindrops you gather, the bigger you get.
I can show you a tech demo.
That's good, that's good.
Slalom games?! Survival game! Refugee! Emperor Will's down in nine hours.
Get me some ideas.
- Get me some ideas! - Don't! Don't! - See how you like it.
- Don't! - [JOSH LAUGHS.]
- Josh! It's actually quite nice.
Somebody just touched my leg! Whoo! - Wait for me! - What is it? What is it? Master, I cleaned out all the stables, - what would you like me to do now? - What? I'll be the stable girl, you'll be the master of the house.
Can we not? Leon's put me in charge of coming up with ideas.
I've got all the responsibility, but no power.
- What about the Viking one? - No.
- We're not doing that.
- Why? Because because I don't want to say while we're in the middle of this.
My problem Is too many ideas.
I've got a Tourette's of ideas, they just keep popping out.
Oh, hang on.
- Can you stop talking now? - Also, you should focus on thinking of something worthwhile.
I mean, I love it, obviously.
But Cat Factory, it's It's just a life drain.
Just a waste of life.
Your job is basically wasting people's lives.
You just did the opposite of dirty talk.
You literally just talked down my erection, my penis erection.
Well done.
So what do you think? Oh, nice.
It's like something out of The Real Housewives Of Miami.
Not entirely the look we're going for.
Why don't you stay here tonight? No, I'm all unpacked at the hotel.
Plus, I wouldn't want to impose.
We've got loads of space.
Why don't I cook something for you, eh? Yeah, all right.
Well, I have put on lamb for him is the only thing.
How about an omelette? You used to love my omelettes.
Always space for one of Mum's omelettes! Nothing makes me happier than looking after my best boy.
You know what I'd really love? - What? Hm? - For tomorrow.
A packed lunch.
- Oh, yeah? - It's just the sandwiches on the trolley, they're always a bit, you know.
And I loved it that time when you actually made me one.
Because I always ate school dinners, and I think that that day, that was the best lunch that I ever, ever had.
Yeah, I can't really remember what I put in them, to be honest.
Oh, that's all right, don't worry about it.
No, Adam, for you, anything.
And how long are you likely to be around, Pamela? Not sure.
Got loads of business meetings to go to.
- Have you? - Tell him about your new business! Go on, it's genius! A new innovation in swimwear.
Halfway between a short and a trunk, but made from a breathable polyester mesh developed by NASA, based on a ten-year study of high-density penguin feathers.
Rub it on your face.
I don't want to rub it on my face, thank you.
Soft, isn't it? Such a great product.
I only wish I could invest in it myself.
Oh, not sure that's such a good idea, Adam.
I agree, Watto, tighten the belt, remember? We're tightening my belt.
Tell her why, please.
RGT Industries.
I got talked into investing into some GM crops they're manufacturing down in Marley.
Runner beans, but massive.
I've seen photos of some of them, and they're basically as big as toddlers.
Wow! Literally spent his money on some magic beans.
But not all of it? I mean, you are solvent.
Yeah, I am.
- Am I? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Oh, thank God.
It's just that as a mum, you know? As long as you're OK.
- [BEEPING.]
- My pan! Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I'm so useless.
Oh, don't worry, Mum.
I'll take you out for a lovely dinner, go and put your coat on.
Watto You can tell me to F off, or I'm being a total busy prick, but Just watch out, yeah? - What do you mean? - You know, I'm just looking out for you.
Like I always do.
You know what, Ewan, fuck off, you total busy prick.
Cheese salad roll.
Grapes.
Crisps.
Fucking Yoghurt.
More grapes.
Four fingers.
A scratch card.
And just a Whole load of loose trail mix.
Yeah, great.
Such a lot of trail mix.
I mean, I know it's just a roll.
But look at that.
Yeah? Crusty.
A little bit of salad.
Ohhh! It's an absolute design classic.
I mean, she went out and she got all this stuff.
You know? The cheese and whatever, and made it for me.
She made it for me with her own bare hands.
God, you're so lucky.
I know I am.
And Two quid! It's a winner! This is the best lunch I've ever had.
Mum! You nailed it, Mum! I mean, you really put the packed into packed lunch.
And the scratch card, which I've won on, by the way 'Good.
No, I'm glad someone's having a good day.
' - Why? What's up? - No, it's nothing.
It's just one of my investors pulled out.
Are you around tonight? 'I have a business opportunity to discuss.
' 'Can you get a car to pick me up?' - I'm not talking to you, Ewan.
- Huh! But if I was, I'd be asking how much cash can I get out in one go? She's asked for money? She's outright asking for it? It's 100 grand, Ewan.
It's fuck all.
All right, Barney? I've spent more than that on kendo suits and they don't even fit me.
Watto, and it's hard for me to say this, but I think she might be scamming you.
OK, Ewan, you might be right.
Maybe she is.
But then maybe she isn't.
But if it means that she sticks around this time then that's money well spent.
Look, I don't want to be the voice of negativity here.
- I just - Stop pushing me around, Ewan! Maybe you should take a look at your own life, instead of sticking a beak into mine all the time, you Shit Mary Poppins.
I've got nothing.
OK? I have nothing.
I might as well declare myself creatively bankrupt.
Josh, you're the ideas guy.
- You'll think of something.
- What if I don't? What if I don't have another good idea for the rest of my life? Woody Allen was 60 before he went shit.
I'm only 31.
- I've had an idea.
- Oh, thank God! - Not for a game.
- Bollocks.
We stage an intervention, save Watto from his mum.
Oh, Ewan! She seems nice.
UK, Companies House, no filings.
Bankruptcy, three times.
Napkin, dry! Ewan, just stay out of it.
You're not his mum.
I'm a better mum to him then Pam will ever be.
That bloody omelette.
Who puts water in an omelette? Milk! He likes it with milk.
Look, if you're so concerned, deal with it, all right? We're a bit busy trying to come up with a God, heads-up.
Him! - What's happening? - You said you wanted a haircut - before the dinner tonight.
- No, I didn't.
- It's fine.
Just - No, it's not fine.
I didn't consent to this.
I'm quite literally being groomed.
Look, you listen to me.
Tonight is very important.
No polo necks.
No slip-ons.
Do not prevaricate over the menu.
Don't say thank you in triplicate.
Thanks! Cheers! Ta! I want a strong handshake with a dry hand.
In summary, DBB.
Don't Be British! Huh? - Got it? - You're just going to take this? What? It's self-improvement.
It's Scientology, Leon.
She's basically just erased our minds and now she's reprogramming them.
L Ron Casey! Thanks, Josh.
Can I have a quick word? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
You, stay.
Do his hair.
Boy oh boy! Huh? He's all worked up.
So, how's it going? Yeah, yeah, we're just, um Honing the pitch.
Ironing out the wrinkles.
Oh, my God! You don't have an idea, do you? Well, Josh is still working on some stuff.
- But we'll get there.
- Shit! OK.
OK.
Listen, Leon, I want to share something with you.
Buying you was my idea, all mine.
I waggled my little white ass over that parapet and I said, 'Yeah, these boys are really worth something.
' Yeah? No! Thank you.
'Yeah.
No.
Thank you.
' Sharpen yourself up, Leon.
This is your chance to impress the emperor.
You're going to leave your fate in Josh's hands? There's only one way to climb to the top of Mount Rushmore, Leon.
By treading on people's faces.
Fuck! Are you busy? No, not really.
Casey has a nemesis.
She likes me to monitor all of her social media activity - and then compile a brief report - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's Watto.
His mum's trying to rip him off.
I thought she seemed a bit weird.
Finally! Finally someone gets it.
Shit! He's seeing her tonight.
He asked me to send a car to pick her up from her hotel.
She's going to fleece him.
We have to do something.
We can't just let this happen.
Cancel the car and give me the address of the hotel.
What are you going to do? I'm going to channel my inner Linda Carter.
It's really important at these occasions just to listen, you know? Not to speak.
Just listen.
Process.
Yeah? Thank you.
Think about what you've heard but don't necessarily respond until later when we're at home alone.
Josh, are you telling me how to behave? Whoa! Oh, Jesus.
He really brought her.
Yo! This is Kelly.
You look fucking incredible! Oh, you smell like meadows! Were we supposed to be smart? I came straight from work.
[SHE SNIFFS.]
Seems fine.
So what do you do? She's a model.
She's just been in Monaco for the Grand Prix, clapping the driver who won.
- I don't understand.
- When the driver wins, he walks to the podium past the clapping women.
That's a job? Clapping men? That's a disgrace.
I'm appalled on your behalf.
It's amazing! I want to do it.
I don't think you can do what Kelly does.
They only pick about 36 women.
Why not? I can clap.
Can you teach me how to clap? Show me the clap.
You have to pay me to clap.
- Josh will pay.
- No, I won't.
So Josh, I've been thinking.
Executive decree.
We're pitching the sequel.
- No, we're not.
- What else have we got? And what's - so bad about doing a sequel? - Because They're lazy and cynical.
I'm lazy and cynical.
Well, I'm not.
See, this is why you don't give the nuclear codes to a lunatic.
Oh, piss off, Josh.
I'm sorry.
All right? I just think we should hold our nerve.
All right.
Well you've got until the emperor gets here - to think of something better.
- Is it like this? Bigger? I can clap any way.
This is what I was talking about, yeah? [HORN HONKS.]
OK, right - Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
Ooh! Letting me out.
Nice man.
- I'll speak to you later.
Bye.
- OK, there's something I want to say to you and I'm just going to say it.
Watto is one of my best friends and I've been there for him - through thick and thin.
So - Sorry, are you speaking to me? - You're not Pam! - This isn't the right way.
- Who are you? - You're my Uber.
No, I thought you were Pam.
And who the fuck are you? I'm Ewan.
Why are you not Pam?! Let me out.
I want to get out.
Not on the Westway.
It's a death trap.
Stop the car! I'm being kidnapped! Yeah, Adam, the car didn't show.
I need you to come and get me.
No-one's letting me out.
They won't let me over.
What are you doing? What are you doing now? Let me keep my eyes on the road! OK, OK.
I'm pulling in! - Please just stop hitting me.
- No, no! I'm feeling very flustered.
Oh, oh! - I'm sorry.
- Oh! All middle-aged women look the same to me.
- OK? Only for about 40 seconds! - You kidnapped me.
I mean, there must be some kind of grace period for these things? - Where the hell are we? - Under a flyover, - which isn't helping, frankly.
- OK, I'm calling the police.
No, please, don't do that.
I'm perfectly harmless.
I'm weak.
I'm a weed.
And not like one of those men who's physically weak so therefore feels the need to physically dominate women.
- You know what I mean? - Jesus, I'm going to die.
Oh, that's what I'm saying! I'm saying I'm not one of those.
- Police, please.
- National Trust.
Membership of the Lib Dems.
Holland & Barrett loyalty card.
This is not the wallet of a psychopath.
Or money, I'll give you money, anything.
Please.
Nine grand? OK, yeah, this is good, except you should be sitting there and you should be sitting there.
And can we do something about this? - Comb it with a fork? - No, don't do that.
That looks insane.
It's this table.
Why'd you let them seat you at this shitty table? Now I have to find a better table.
Leon, let's just busk something.
Buy us some time.
The emperor's an old man, he's not going to know about games.
Any random collection of words sounds like a plausible iPhone game.
It's all about beards these days, isn't it? - Beards.
- Yes.
Very beardy.
Very, very beardy.
After level 140, there's too much emphasis on luck rather than skill.
Cat Factory, yeah? Are you? Oh, my God, so good to meet you.
Leon Harper, Idle Hands.
I'm the John Lennon of the group.
- This is the Paul.
- Hi, Paul.
No, no, no, I mean he's Just give me a second.
I've just seen someone I know.
Well, there's no more tables, so we'll just have to make do.
What's that? The emperor's here? Where'd he go? Oh, my God.
What did you do? Nothing.
Just introduced ourselves.
He saw someone and said he'd be right back.
- He was here like three seconds.
- OK, OK, just tell me every syllable that was uttered so I can figure out - how badly you fucked this up for me.
- Well, Leon introduced Josh as Paul.
- What? - Thank you, Abi.
It was just a thing.
I had it all worked out so he'd think we were going to be as big as the Beatles.
He said he was John Lennon.
Really? OK.
So too soon for me to shoot you? Before that you said the thing about the beards.
- What about beards? - I just said they were very beardy.
- Oh! - Then you repeated it, Josh.
You were like, "Very, very beardy.
" OK, could you just stay out of this, please, Abi? My one's not getting involved, Josh, you see that? Totally blank.
[SHE SNIFFS.]
Projections, set-up costs, overheads.
Yeah.
It's exciting.
A nice little family business.
Yeah.
Maybe, yeah.
Oh, right, yeah, do you recognise this? - Yes, I do.
- Anywhere here, mate.
Please, just on this corner.
There you go.
Keep the change, it's 20.
Here we are.
Look, it's number eight.
Adam, what are you doing? - Yeah? - Hello, mate.
I'm Watto, and I have a business proposition for you.
- You selling dusters? - Not quite.
Can we come in? Why hasn't he come back for his sucky spoon? He always has a sucky spoon.
We should just leave.
He's obviously incredibly perceptive.
He took one look at me and saw a creatively barren man - and just bolted.
- Oh, relax, he's coming back.
- He said he was, and he will.
- Yeah.
Leon's right.
He has to come back for his spoon.
We just have to bide our time.
He'll get bored of them soon.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
God! You know what? I've never met people who can fuck up saying hello before.
Are you ready to order? I'll have the veggie salad.
- Certainly.
- Can I get the spaghetti, please? - Of course.
- Yeah, the risotto does it come with shellfish? I have an allergy.
Just eat it.
Fucking unbelievable.
Give me the feta salad.
- Have you got anything flambed? - Um, the Crepe Suzette.
- Great.
Get me that.
- You're having dessert first? Yeah, I want something on fire.
You know, get his attention, - remind him we're still here.
- That's a great idea.
And then what? He comes over here and realises you can't even eat dinner in the right order? Yeah, not very Fortune 500, is it? Ordering pudding for dinner.
All right, fine.
Get me the pork chop, and set it on fire.
I want big fucking flames.
[LAUGHTER.]
[HE LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
What are you doing? I'm showing him that we're having a good time without him.
Come on.
[THEY LAUGH LOUDLY.]
[HE CHORTLES.]
What the fuck is that, Josh? You're not Father Christmas.
I'm trying my best, Leon.
I can't do fake laughs.
It's easy.
[SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
You know what? This is what I get for my 300 million? Laughing gnomes? My God, we never should have bought you.
Maybe we shouldn't have sold to you.
Right.
I'm going to go to the little girl's room, because I need a slash.
See what happens when you're in charge, Leon? Oh, my God! He has a spare spoon.
He's never coming back.
And the stairs and the kitchen and the dining area and the lounge, and even my bedroom, everything's just the same.
- What do they want? - I want to buy your house.
- It's not for sale.
- Why are you buying their house? He ain't! It's not for sale.
It's not their house, it's our house.
We can live in it together again.
Why is he saying it's his house? Adam, it's not our house.
Don't worry, it's not his house.
- You ain't having it.
- I'll offer you a million quid for it.
Obviously we're open to offers.
Adam, it's worth about 300 grand.
Uh, 400 we've put in an extension and a loft conversion.
- OK, 1.
3.
- Deal! Let's shake on it.
Your risotto, sir.
Oh, my God.
She's talking to him.
- I'm sure it will all be fine.
- OK, she needs to be neutralised.
She's sucking his spoon! Do something, Josh.
Rugby tackle her.
Eat a shrimp.
Come on.
You're allergic.
I'll go into an anaphylactic shock! - Perfect.
- See, this is why you don't bring Abi.
She's a liability.
Oh, yeah, because things were going so well before, weren't they, John? What were you doing? You sucked his spoon.
Oh, what, you're jealous now because I sucked another man's spoon? What did he say? I told him the last time that I came to a restaurant round here I got food poisoning and shat myself.
I don't care what you said.
What did he say? Well, I told him about your new idea, and he loved it.
He said, yeah, go ahead and make it.
- What idea? - The one about the Vikings? The Viking game? The city-building game? Well, it looks like someone saved your asses.
So if we do the Viking game, you promise there's not to be a sequel? We are not making Cat Factory 2? - You have my solemn vow.
No sequel.
- Great.
Nice one, Abi.
I thought you didn't want to do the Viking game, Josh.
I thought it glorified rape culture.
Well, you know one can get a bit precious about these things.
Looks like I may have backed the wrong horse after all.
Yes.
Apology accepted.
Work for me.
Her? Seriously?! Hmm.
Nah.
No offence, just games.
I don't want to be stuck here making games for ever.
Oh, shit, he's coming.
Hey.
Leslie, hi.
- Join us, have a seat.
- Sorry, I need to be going - I'm meeting someone at my club.
- OK.
Um Would you like to join me? Sure.
Yeah.
Why not? It's fun.
Have fun, then.
OK.
What just happened? It looks like she just got a better offer.
And I for one applaud her.
And that's how it all started, really.
We all just got rich and as soon as that happened Watto's mum came crawling out of the woodwork.
Maybe she just wanted to see him? I don't think so.
That's not how human relationships work.
Just makes me glad I never told my parents.
They don't know you've got money? No, we operate a very strict don't ask, don't tell policy in my family.
- They still think I'm doing my PhD.
- Oh, wow.
My mum's 70 and cold and unforgiving.
But lovely with it.
I just couldn't face telling her about the butter incident.
What butter incident? Oh, I was studying applied computer sciences and fell in love with my professor.
Then carved his name into some butter, broke into his house and left it in his fridge.
- Oh that's sweet.
- Is it? - No, not really.
- No.
Uni kicked me out and mother doesn't even know I'm gay, so I was just like, how do you explain this one, Ewan? Look, no offence, but shouldn't you be dealing with your own stuff? I mean, you seem to have a lot of stuff.
Unresolved stuff.
Who's looking after you? - [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh! Ah, the real Uber is on its way.
It's a shame, actually I'm actually enjoying this.
I should kidnap women more often.
No, sure.
- [CAR HORN.]
- Oh! Here he is.
Right.
E-mail me your account number and your sort code and I will ping over the 9,000.
- There's no need for that.
- Please, I've never had therapy before.
It feels like I've had a crash course.
That was a close call tonight.
Look, it all worked out.
We got a game, and I'm jazzed about it.
Do not disappoint me again, Leon.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Well, goodnight.
Adam, you're not buying it.
Why would you want to live in this shithole? - I beg your pardon? - Because this is the best house ever.
1.
5.
Yeah, all right, 1.
5.
[WHISPERS.]
Get him to sign something.
Love, listen to me.
Mum, losing this place was the worst thing that ever happened to us.
But we didn't lose it, did we? I just didn't want it any more.
Yeah, but you had to go away because you were working.
Adam, I love working.
I love travelling.
I do it because I want to.
Because I'll go mad if I stay still.
In one place.
Let's face it, I was never a great mum.
Yes, you were.
- You were just busy.
- But I love chasing a deal.
It's What makes me feel alive.
Look, just take my money and the house, and we can just start over.
Adam, I wanted to tell you.
I've I've had an offer from China, An investor over there.
And The tax benefits are just really, really great.
You know.
Too good to turn down, to be honest, so Sorry, love.
It's just business.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, love, I just I just can't.
I think we said 1.
5, if you could just sign here.
Watto, mate, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have interfered.
You were right.
- Mum's gone.
- She's gone? Where's she gone? She didn't take your money? - That's great.
- I wanted her to have it.
Mate, you shouldn't have to pay people to be with you.
That's the thing.
You can't.
Because I really tried.
So, who's coming in? Come on, Josh.
We're having fun, remember? I'm just going to let my food go down.
Bubbles, I see bubbles! Josh, get in there and make sure she's all right.
- You get in there! - She's your girlfriend.
Get in! - I'm not getting in there.
- Dude, I'm with Josh, - I say just wait this one out.
- Get in there! - Get in! - Oh, God! Abi! Abi?