Lodge 49 (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

The Mysteries

I heard something.
Heard your mother wears army boots.
- She'll do it with anybody.
- Oh, shut up.
My ma said she saw her and Mr.
Smith eating at Nino's.
Said she was laughing like a hyena and touching him all over.
Said it was disgusting.
[SCOFFS] Now you're gonna get it.
I know, but I'm going down swinging.
[NAT KING COLE'S "NATURE BOY" PLAYS] There was a boy A very strange enchanted boy They say he wandered very far - Very far - We're going to London.
Oh, uh, hi, Wally.
Can I talk to my mom? I'd prefer it if you addressed me by the title of the office, Larry.
Oh, dearest Sovereign Protector Larry! [CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.
He's been like this.
It's okay.
He who thinks a fire is a fire.
Remember that.
Screw you.
Smith and I? Larry, that's ridiculous.
Don't listen to rumors.
Just because Mr.
Smith and I are gonna London together W-Wait, wait, wait, wait.
London? What the hell? I just found out myself.
We're leaving tonight.
Mom, what about his wife? Linnie understands.
You will, too.
The Sovereign Protector needs my help.
Mom, he does dry-cleaning.
I wish I could tell you everything.
It would make this so much easier.
You're just gonna leave me all alone in the apartment? You're old enough to take care of yourself.
If you need anything, come to the Lodge.
The Knights will help you.
Mom, please don't go.
He doesn't need you.
Why do you always believe everything he says? Go pig out on some turkey.
Be thankful, Larry.
[ECHOING] Be thankful.
LARRY: It's omelette time.
[GROANS] Oh, yeah.
The Larry special.
I hope you guys are hungry.
Ahh! Damn it.
Oh, well.
We'll just have to make our rations last.
We need to talk about last night.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm okay.
Too many vodka stingers.
It happens.
I'm fine.
You were walking around naked.
Hilarious, wasn't it? [LAUGHS] So, um what are people saying about my junk? Um uh, people were just really worried about you last night, Lar.
You know, not about your junk, per se, but, um Larry.
Something's wrong.
You need rest.
Maybe you can come and stay at my place for a while.
I can sort of I can sort of trailer-sit for a while.
It's perfect timing.
My sister just kind of, like, evicted me last night.
Why? Oh, there's no no real reason.
Just money, you know.
But, yeah, I start a new temp job.
It's, uh, graveyard, so I can crash here all day.
You know, sort of be caretaker for the property, you know? This property doesn't exist.
Well I need to get on the road, but I can come by tonight.
You can keep an eye on him this afternoon? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Stop talking about me like I'm not here.
I'm doing fine on my own.
SONG: You said you were seeing a shadow or something? I saw I don't know what I saw.
Let's cover your left eye.
Try reading the bottom line.
X, V N, A, R W, A, L.
That's good enough.
[SIGHS] You should just open a business where people get to come into a dark room and answer simple questions.
That is a great idea.
Do people ever tell you their secrets? All the time.
Like "Doctor, I've been having an affair, and the guy doesn't even know I have what's apparently a terminal illness"? [CHUCKLING] No, no.
Nothing that dark.
Good news.
Your eyes are fine.
I know.
ERNIE: What do you know about Captain? I got a theory about Captain.
He's not a real guy.
Think about it.
No one's ever met him.
He's just a line item on a spreadsheet for some heavy dudes we'll never know.
Captain's a tax write-off.
He's the shadow of the dream that never was.
No, Captain's real.
I met him.
- What's he look like? - He's white.
- No shit.
What else? - Man, I don't know.
He's a white-looking white dude, you know.
They say he's somewhere in the desert now.
Captain? His Orbis deal is really happening.
I heard City Hall approved it last week.
- ALICE: This is blackmail! - [ELECTRONIC BELL DINGS] [PAUL SPEAKS VIETNAMESE] It's my money.
I earned it.
[SPEAKS VIETNAMESE] You're such an asshole.
I pay the bill.
I get to be the asshole.
[MUTTERING] Exactly.
You need to think about your future.
Or did you want to be like Dud and Liz? Oh, Liz.
I'm sorry.
No, you're right.
I am the ghost of your Shamroxx future, Alice.
Ernie, I owe you an apology.
- That's right, bitch.
- [BOTH LAUGH] I am 100% your bitch.
I didn't believe you, but here you are, 10 steps ahead of everybody the City Council, those billboards.
"Is there another way to live?" What does that even mean? I don't know.
I don't care.
[CHUCKLES] And now you've got Captain in the crosshairs! I'm gonna need a serious expense account so when I get to the desert, I don't look like a chump.
Done and done.
Okay, we got a couple of more little things.
Uh, Irv Sendero is out from Ohio next week.
Your basic factory-guy jerk-off.
I've set up tee times in El Dorado.
Ernie, I promised him that you would shepherd him around.
[CHUCKLING] I can't.
I'm going to the desert.
What? Captain.
Oh, you're right.
A little scheduling conflict.
Uh Beautiful Jeff, how about I send you after Captain? What? No.
I'd absolutely love to, Bob.
Ernie, I promised Irv that you'd be his guy this trip.
He loves you, and you're the only guy on the planet who's a worse golfer than he is.
- You make him look good! - Screw Irv! Let Beautiful Jeff jerk him off! Well, look, here's the problem, Ernie.
I'm a scratch golfer.
I can't help it.
My natural stroke is just so smooth.
I love watching you hit.
No! He'll never find Captain.
This is my thing.
Ernie, you're off this.
Stick to what you do best and don't begrudge another man his gifts.
Understand? [DOOR OPENS] Just here to grab my stuff.
[CLEARS THROAT] Hey, uh, can we talk in reasonable tones? Yeah.
Of course.
We're both sophisticated adults.
[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry about your foot.
That's okay.
It's seen worse.
[CHUCKLES] And, uh I'm sorry for escalating the situation.
Where are you staying? With Larry Loomis, our Sovereign Protector.
He's got some property down by the Lodge that's pretty nice.
It's a pretty nice set-up.
- "Sovereign Protector"? [CHUCKLES] - Mm-hmm.
God, you're really all in on this Mason stuff, huh? Yeah, yeah.
Except, uh we're the Lynx.
Yeah, not the Masons.
The Masons were wannabe Rosicrucians, and Rosicrucians were a hoax that pretty much just got out of hand.
You know, there's a really great essay by this British junkie I'm worried about you, Sean.
Elizabeth serious-full-name.
If Dad were here, he'd be worried about you, too.
Except he's not.
Because, according to you, Dad killed himself.
Do y Do you hear how insane that even sounds? Dud, you can't start to move on until you admit that bad stuff has happened.
I know that's hard for you.
It was hard for me, but I faced up to it.
But you've always been afraid of the dark.
Who's not afraid of the dark, Liz? At least it makes sense.
You know what doesn't make sense? Being afraid of the light.
You're happy inside your dark, little witch-cave.
I'm sorry.
I'm not.
I'm not gonna live there with you.
[GRUNTS] I'm on the right path, Liz.
I'm gonna prove it to you.
[DOOR CLOSES] ERNIE: He's embarrassed about what happened.
ERNIE: H-He just can't admit it.
Larry shouldn't be embarrassed.
He's got a magnificent set of balls.
He seemed so scared and frail I mean, it just broke my heart.
He's still Larry.
He just needs to slow down a little.
I'm gonna try to get him over to my place for a few nights.
Yeah, yeah.
You should've seen him this morning.
He was all piss and vinegar, even after he burnt off his eyebrows.
What?! No, he's fine.
He just looks a little crazy.
So [SIGHS] Okay, I'm sorry, but this is a wake-up call.
Now, Larry can't be on his own anymore.
He needs to transition into assisted living.
You want to put him in a home?! Come on, Ernie, you can't keep pretending things are getting better when they're getting worse.
Now, look, Larry deserves the best care possible, and I don't think any of us can give it to him.
I'll talk to him.
And, obviously, the succession will have to be reconsidered.
This is what's on your mind?! Now?! I'm just saying! Look, somebody from London is gonna be here soon.
We can let them sort it all out.
BLAISE: I can't wait for London.
These emissaries have the coolest gig ever.
They live like rock stars.
- [INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV] - Mum, Dad, I'm leaving.
WOMAN: after the French king I'm going now! which is very similar to the sort of To California! I've told you a million - [SIGHS] - with naturalistic detail that you didn't get in the Elizabethan style.
[DOOR OPENS] CHAMP: This is the endgame.
The corporate-industrial dragon has poisoned itself, gorging on the flesh of its workers, leaving the vultures to pick the bones.
That's a bummer.
Que sera, brah.
You can't turn back time.
This is where we are.
Yeah, so you work all day at Shamroxx and then you work all night here? When do you sleep? I don't sleep.
We're all gonna be replaced by robots, so the only way to survive is to become a robot.
You know, I never really saw myself working in law enforcement, but, you know, I got to say, I kind of dig the uniform.
It's all theater.
What do you mean? I mean, don't take any dumb risks.
You see or hear anything, run the other way.
"Let the vultures feed" That's my policing philosophy.
It's late.
Any tips for staying awake? Late in the epoch of post-industrial capitalism.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That too.
See? Yeah? It's finally quiet enough to hear.
What? You hear it? You hear it? - No, I can't hear - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[ELECTRICAL HUMMING] The din of our suffering drowns it out, but here, in the silence of death and ruin, you can hear the one thing that history can't kill, the one thing that can never die.
- No.
- Oh.
Hope died with truth.
- Hm.
- Listen.
- BOTH: Ba-boom.
- Yeah.
- Ba-boom.
- Yeah, it's a heart.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
I can hear it.
I can hear it.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, the coeur de la bête.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What does that mean? - "The heart of the beast.
" - Heart of the beast.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Is that from something or is Yeah, I read it somewhere.
I forget.
As for staying up all night, that's really just a matter of willpower.
- Hm.
- And speed.
[SIGHS] Here come the nice.
- Here.
- Ba-boom.
No, that's okay.
Um Is there somewhere we can just get a coffee? - No! - [GRUNTS] Larry, just think about it.
I-It might not be so bad.
Assisted living? [SIGHS] They're gonna ask me if I asked you, so I have to ask you.
No, I've got a plan.
Yeah, I'm going on a little trip.
What are you talking about? Well, I've been setting it up ever since I left the hospital.
Yeah, I-I-I've got this buddy.
I mean, uh, okay, I-I-I don't know his real name, but in Guadalajara, they call him "El Confidente.
" Now, it means "the Confident One," right? He's coming tomorrow to pick me up.
We've got some business to take care of across the border.
I need to find something that I lost.
It was a long time ago.
[SIGHS DEEPLY] What?! El Confidente?! Look, look.
Come on! Come on.
Trust me, man.
I'll be fine.
And I will have some amazing news when I get back.
Something big is coming, Ernie.
Can't wait.
All right.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, I've made some pretty big screw-ups during my reign.
But if I can get this right, it will make up for a lot.
And I tell ya there's no one I'd rather have taking over the Lodge right now.
It's a new dawn.
You know what? Hey, let's just knock it out here.
The ceremony don't mean crap.
[TV TURNS OFF] Now? Well, why wait? Come on.
Take a knee.
Come on, come on.
Take a knee, take a knee.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] By the power of The Ancient and Benevolent Order of the Lynx, I hereby attest that it is with an open heart and clear vision that I pass the power of the office of Sovereign Protector of Lynx Lodge 49, Long Beach, California, to the Luminous Knight, Ernie Fontaine.
The unseen is seen with righteous eyes.
As above, so below.
[CHUCKLES] Well, that's it.
Where's the remote? I must be losing my mind, eh? NARRATOR: Stone saw the flash first, then the wave of dust and concrete hit, throwing him back, his head hitting the grille of the Maserati with enough force to make a dent.
- He'd grown up with explosives - [ENGINE SHUTS OFF] What's in Mexico? He won't say.
We're supposed to rendezvous with this El Confidente guy.
The rendezvous with El Confidente? So, did you come because you've made a decision? No, I came because you wanted to talk about Larry.
This is stupid.
You messed everything up.
How? You want to know the future.
It's just gotta be what it is.
I can't give you more.
If you want to be with me, be with me.
Stop worrying about what's next.
I'm with you.
Right here, right now.
So So everyone was impressed? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, your balls were a hit.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - [LAUGHS] - Big hit.
I have something for you.
This is my old Squire kit.
I want you to have it.
[CHUCKLING] W - A Squire kit? - Mm-hmm.
Wh Larry? Yeah, you know, the Lynx discontinued them.
Uh, too expensive and you know, not enough people joining.
Pretty neat, huh? Yeah.
Oh! Oh! That's my old Zippo.
Oh? Stopped a bullet with that in Vietnam.
Oh, really? - Not really, no.
- Oh.
This is Larry, this is amazing.
I mean thank you.
Thank you so much.
So, where are we meeting your guy? I'll tell you when you need to know.
- Oh, okay.
- Ahh.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Are you from California? Mm.
The Golden State.
This will be my first visit.
I'm, uh, an administrator with The Ancient and Oh.
Oh, dear.
[BELL DINGS] WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, the seat-belt sign has been switched on.
Please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts.
CARL: Is this place always this empty? LIZ: Uh, no, this is just the 3:00 doldrums.
Well, it's perfect.
I'm going through some, uh, personal issues.
I needed some place to think things through.
Why would you come here to think? There's, like, so many TVs, and we keep them at full volume at all times, even if there's not a game on.
It's horrible.
And you know what the worst part is? I don't even notice it anymore.
I'll just be walking around, taking orders, and, for whatever reason, I'll kind of wake up, and I'll hear the Viagra commercials blaring on ESPN and just feel like I'll get your rum.
What's he driving? Uh I-It's been some time.
It used to be a-a big red van with a with a mythical sea beast airbrushed on the side.
It was It was part-tiger.
It was part-mermaid, part-unicorn.
[LAUGHING] He did it himself.
It was glorious.
[CLEARS THROAT] You mind You mind if I just go lay down? I got this sleep-deficit thing.
Sure, sure.
When are you coming back? I don't know.
I'll send you a postcard when we know what we're looking at.
Are you sure you're really up for all this, Larry? [HUSHED] There he is.
Yeah! Listen, listen.
That kid is special.
He is connected to the True Lodge.
He just doesn't know it.
[LAUGHS] Not him.
WOMAN: Thank you for flying with us today.
Please make sure to take all personal belongings No, no.
No, no.
Th-That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I don't have my passport.
The child that did this must have taken it off my person while I was asleep, along with my phone and my wallet.
I need your passport.
Have you not heard a word I've said? What is wrong with you, sir? Secondary inspection.
ERNIE: Well, El Confidente didn't show.
[CHUCKLES] I'm shocked.
So, I've been thinking about this morning.
I feel like I'm fooling myself.
I don't want to be your escape from your real life or whatever.
We used to hide from your folks sneaking around.
I feel like nothing's changed.
I know I think too much, but I can't live in the moment.
You have to.
I can't.
MAN: Welcome back, folks, to the [KNOCK ON DOOR] [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] [GRUNTS] Dud? Ow! God! [SIGHS] Hey.
I left you a couple messages.
I-I was asleep.
I just want to say I'm sorry for what my dad said.
If it makes you feel better, he feels awful.
You can probably guilt him into free donuts for life.
[CHUCKLES] Don't worry about it, seriously.
Did you come out here just to tell me that? Yeah.
That's all.
I mean, my home life is kind of treacherous right now.
I'm just sort of driving around, feeling lonely and misunderstood by society.
Come in, if you want.
What are you watching? Um, just crap.
0100 hours the parameter is cleared.
Do you copy what I just said? - [WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS] - CHAMP: Yes, I copy it.
Do you copy what I'm saying right now about copying? - Copy that, copy that.
- [WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS] MAN: He is just a mountain of a man and came out here These Scandinavian bastards are so full of themselves.
Like, I can pull a truck with my teeth if I wanted to.
No way.
It's all core strength.
You got none.
I can tell by the way you stand you and your brother.
Let's take a look at some of the highlights.
- [GRUNTING] - Go! You're so weak! You suck at this! You have no core! - You have no core! - [GRUNTING CONTINUES] [CHUCKLING] Oh, shit.
Whoa! Whoa.
Seven years of bad luck.
Well, too late for that, huh? Whoo! - Liz? - [GROANS] DUD: Yoooooop! Yee-haw! [TIRES SCREECH] [CLATTERING] [WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS] Champ? Champ? Come in.
- Let's go.
Champ, wake up.
Champ, wake up.
[SIGHS] [CART BEEPS] [CHUCKLES] When the hell did you get here? We have things to discuss.
Are you alone? Yeah.
I was closing up.
And we do need to talk.
After today, Larry, I was thinking maybe we could get you a nice place with good people looking out for you.
Come on.
It's time for you to see the Sanctum Sanctorum.
[KEYS JINGLE] [LOCK DISENGAGES] Ta-da! [CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES] This is where it all happens.
The nerve center of the living universe.
[BOTH LAUGH] It's your grass shack now.
- Mm.
- Make it your own.
I will.
Have a seat.
It's Mysteries time.
It's not It's not cool.
Just Hey! Get him! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] Now we all know the story of Harwood Fritz Merrill.
He fights in the Crimea, he finds solace in the philosophy of alchemy, and then he founds the Lynx to share his experience.
But we also have the myth of Merrill, huh? - The one that's in all the pamphlets? - Mm-hmm.
"After the war, Merrill wanders the world until he finds the ancient scrolls in the desert.
" - The holy grail, baby.
- [CHUCKLES] All the secrets of alchemy.
Now what I'm telling you is that he actually found those scrolls and completed the Magnum Opus.
Then he buried the scrolls under Lodge 1 in London.
But he had to keep this a secret, so what he did was tell everyone all about it.
[LAUGHS] What? Yes, if you want to hide the fact that you're an alchemist, the best thing to do is tell everyone you're an alchemist.
No one will take you seriously.
The true alchemist is disguised as himself, so Merrill tells everyone the myth and they love it! Lodges start opening up all over, and it's a great thing.
It does help people.
It gives them a sense of something bigger and rosier than grinding it out till you die.
So the inner circle, the True Lodge Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merrill tells a few people.
The other Lodge behind the Lodge that keep the scrolls safe.
And they keep them hidden by hiding nothing.
- [CHUCKLES] - No, no, no, no, no.
This is real, Ernie.
You gotta believe me.
I believe you believe it, Larry.
No, man.
You don't understand! The scrolls I held them in my hands.
They were in my old bowling bag for 12 years.
They were like this big.
They smelled like eggplant.
These scrolls How did they end up in Long Beach? Well, my mom, God bless her soul, was banging the Sovereign Protector, that suck-nut Wallace Smith.
Everyone knew it.
They wore out the mattress in the Sentinel Suite.
Lodge scandals, man.
- [CHUCKLES] - [SIGHS] They took a trip to London together.
[SIGHS] "Lodge business," they said.
A few months after they got back, Wallace left town.
I didn't know he was upstairs.
All I knew is I had my mom back.
At least I thought I did.
And over the next few years, she started getting all kind of weird and paranoid.
And then she got sick, and this is this is right after I got out of the Army and and towards the end, she told me everything I'm telling you now, that she and Wallace had infiltrated the True Lodge, that they broke into Merrill's crypt in London, took the scrolls, and brought them back to Long Beach.
I know I sound like a loon.
This stuff is supposed to sound crazy.
That's how it works.
I mean, I didn't believe any of it! Even when she gave me the scrolls, I though it was old junk.
I thought she made it all up to justify her affair and leaving me behind.
- Larry? - Hmm? Can I see them? No.
[SNIFFS] I lost them in a poker game in '82.
You lost the holy grail of alchemy - in a poker game? - Mm-hmm.
El Confidente cleaned me out.
I had nothing else to give.
I showed him the scrolls, and he took them.
He said he knew an antiquities dealer in Guadalajara.
Then he took off in his tiger van, and we hadn't talked since until a few weeks ago.
So why do you believe your mom now? Because of Dud.
Know your Lynx history, Ernie! Merrill was an orphan.
He found the scrolls when he fell into the viper pit in Egypt.
Got bit but survived.
Sound familiar? [WATER DRIPPING] They sent Dud as a message.
Larry, anything can be a message.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] It's all coming due.
I need to get down to the border A.
- You have to take me.
- Stop! I can't let you go down to Mexico.
I don't have much time left.
And I'm not gonna spend it like a chump in a nursing home.
If I'm crazy, fine, but I'm going down swinging.
Larry I told you the Lodge would give you a gift.
It has.
It gave me one, too.
The scrolls? [VOICE BREAKING] No, you you blockhead.
I mean you.
Just let me go.
- [LAUGHS] - Yes, can you believe it? I would never have the nerve to say that.
[MACHINERY WHIRRING] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Oh, just down at that table at the end.
Dud? The doctor wants to talk to you before you go.
You don't have to wait.
- I don't care.
- No.
I don't get what they have to talk to me about.
It's the cut.
Oh, God.
They're gonna tell you to talk to somebody.
Ugh! See, Alice.
Your dad was right.
I'm a mess.
Don't end up like me.
I don't care.
You moved a couch.
That was incredible.
The sun's gonna be up soon.
- I'm gonna get into water.
- Yeah, go.
[SIGHS] [SIGHS] Hi, corporate guy from corporate.
This is Liz Dudley from Well, you know who I am.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Um, you had mentioned a [CALL WAITING BEEPS] Oh, you're calling me back.
Yeah, I was, uh, just leaving you a message.
Yeah, uh, so that, um that executive program you were talking about.
Uh, is that, like, still in play and So Sorry, is it crazy-late or early? Did I wake you up with this dumb call? No, I was laying awake in bed, too.
Sort of.
May I help you? - MAN: I think so.
You wouldn't happen to be from London, would you? I am indeed.
[CHUCKLES] Is there room at the inn? Yes, you must be the emissary.
We've been expecting you.
- [CHUCKLES] - Uh, why don't you follow me upstairs? I'll show you our Sentinel Suite.
- Thank you.
- Allow me.
BOB: Ernie, where the hell did you send Beautiful Jeff? What are you talking about? He left for the desert yesterday, and I haven't heard from him! He's not answering his phone! Will you calm down? Everything is fine.
Get to the office now! I can't.
I got more important stuff going on.
I'll check in later.
Are you okay? Oh, yeah.
Y-You mind if we stop by the Lodge? I-I want to get a few things from the Sanctum.
And, oh, man, I could sure use a beer before we hit the road.
Anyway, I'm I'm on my way down the hill and, uh I run into a medic named Cardona.
I mean, I-I think he's from, like, Modesto or Merced.
Anyway, he's also carrying - a roll of toilet paper, man.
- [LAUGHS] So, like, we team up looking for a peaceful setting where we can take a dump and discuss the meaning of life.
[LAUGHS] And, hey, down below, there's a couple of infantry guys setting up a gun position at the edge of a cornfield.
So we walk down there and ask them, you know, not to shoot us while we're in the corn - taking care of business.
- [BOTH LAUGH] So So after a few of minutes, like, we're, you know, smoking and joking without a care in the world.
And then, you know, like, little pieces of corn start falling down all around us, and we hear this muffled automatic weapon's fire - [LAUGHS] - and somebody up the hill yells, "Incoming!" [LAUGHTER ECHOING] [ENGINE SPUTTERS] Son of a bitch.
[SIGHS] Hey, don't worry.
I'll jump ya.
[CHUCKLES] All right.
[ENGINE IDLES] [ENGINE SPUTTERS] [ENGINE STARTS, REVS] [BIRDS CHIRPING] There was a boy A very strange enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far Good to go! Over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he And then one day, one magic day He passed my way And though we spoke of many things Fools and kings This he said to me "The greatest thing You'll ever learn Is just to love And be loved in return" [BIRDS CHIRPING]