Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s03e02 Episode Script

Ordinary People

Love Fortress International had no response to this morning's Planet.
The paper reported that Love Fortress magazine and nightclub operation is little more than a cover.
up for crime, including gambling, prostitution.
-Boy, you sure scooped that pretty boy.
I just dropped by to congratulate you.
This is a heck of a story.
Yes, that is a heck of a story, Lois.
Clark, weren't you assigned to this piece too? I was kind of under the impression that you two were permanent partners.
Well, we're not "permanent" permanent partners yet, chief.
No, that would be a big step, chief.
The kind of thing that a person would have to think through.
Well, thank you for that cryptic exchange.
Now, all you interpreters, let's get back to work.
We're all proud of you, Lois.
Lois, I can't believe the number you did on my man.
-Your man? -Spencer Spencer.
The owner of Love Fortress lnternational.
Read his work? His work? This is nothing but a, whoa, skin book.
Chief, he takes on serious topics.
Hey, look, I've read him so much I feel like I know him.
Nobody knows him, Jimmy.
He hides out from everyone.
If I had the looks, the women, the cars and the life he has, I'd hide out, okay? -Yes.
Hold for Spencer Spencer.
-It's Spencer Spencer.
-oh, my God, the man? -Hello? -Miss Lane.
Lois, Spencer Spencer here.
Quite a colorful article you did on my little operation.
I'd like to make you a proposal.
What say you meet with one of my spokesmodels and let us give you an accurate picture of my world? Believe me, I can make it worth your while.
Spencer, I have an accurate picture of your world and a truly disgusting place it is.
-Read part two tomorrow.
-Lois--! Mr.
He's probably sitting there in his legendary silk pajamas drinking absinthe, with girls massaging him.
I disgust her? I disgust her? I disgust her?! You're finished, Miss Lane.
When I'm through with you, we'll see who disgusts who.
You think I'm not thinking about it.
Not talking about it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it.
Lois, marriage is a very big step.
I said I would wait, and I will wait.
I'm glad you understand.
If I was the paranoid type I might think that you were trying to avoid the whole thing.
of course not.
Avoid it.
No, I'm not trying to avoid it.
Ever notice how lousy the cheese sandwiches are in this machine? -What? -You can't get a good cheese sandwich.
I would kill for a piece of Camembert, the really good kind from France.
It's tough to get good Camembert outside of France.
I am so glad you're not avoiding this whole thing.
I'm very happy about that.
oh, Lois, you busy? No.
No, no.
Just talking to Clark here.
Clark? Perry, I am fine.
Don't worry about me.
I'm not working too hard.
Can I go back to work? Now, Lois, I read you like a book.
Things get a little rough in your life you wrap yourself up in your work, like it was gonna save you.
Look, chief, I gotta draw the line here.
I have a professional life and I have a personal life.
And Clark asked me to marry him.
Lois, don't you think you ought to try dating first? -But, see, I really love him.
-Well, then there's no problem.
Y es, there is.
Have you ever thought you found someone who was right for you? But then you found out some thing that you never knew about them that you thought could just wreck it all? Yes.
After Alice and I got married, I found out her right leg -was an inch shorter than her left.
She used to wear these little shoes with wooden wedges in them.
Made in Portugal.
Then on our wedding night, we're standing there in front of each other in the altogether and she's listing to the starboard.
Her secret was out.
But, see, it didn't make any difference to me, because I loved her.
-That's so beautiful.
-oh, well.
Listen, now, you and Clark have gotta deal with whatever it is.
And I don't mean over a sandwich at your desk.
-Where do you mean? -Well, get out of town so you can focus on what really counts.
oh, well, Perry, I think I'm disciplined enough to not be distracted by work.
-It's for you.
Yes? What? Are you sure? Y eah.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
My police source says they just found four bodies, all male, in a shallow grave.
The first two lD'd last seen at one Spencer Spencer, Love Fortress.
oh, and get this, they were all headless.
Good Lord.
Hey, Lois, word to the wise: Honey, there will always be another headless corpse but true love comes around maybe once.
There you are.
I guess you haven't seen your desk yet.
Not now, Jimmy.
I just got a major tip I have to-- What about my desk? Camembert.
Let me guess.
But of course.
Clark, that's so sweet.
But? We have to talk.
I also think it's a really good idea what Perry said about getting away.
How did you know? Super hearing.
And we will talk.
Right after I get back.
I'm sorry, I just have to get this statement.
But we'll do this.
We will, I swear.
What? Oh, great, my car's blocked in.
oh, no.
Yes, hello? .
Miss Lane, you have an overseas call.
-What? -Please hold.
-No, no, I can't.
oh, yes, I'll hold.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? -Please hold.
I' m transferring.
-Yes, l' m holding.
oh, hey, could you call somebody in Maintenance? They got me blocked in there.
-Sure, Miss Lane.
-okay, thank you.
Hello? Please hang up and try again.
-Are you all right? -Y es, thank you.
I know it doesn't seem like enough to say.
It's just, that's all I can.
Well, look at you.
You've gotten me out of a lot of jams but I've never seen you like this.
Things are different now.
What do you mean, she's alive? Idiot.
High school dropout.
I'll deal with you when I see you.
Slam the phone down definitively.
Take it easy, Mr.
It's always darkest before the dawn.
What do any of you know about pain? I make Quasimodo look like a Rockette, for crying out loud.
-It's happy hour, is it not? -oh, yeah.
We're all happy as hell in here.
The Lane woman's still alive.
And bodies with no heads are popping up all over Metropolis.
I merely do the experiments.
I don't dispose of the refuse.
Do I look like a gravedigger? No, you look like an alcoholic quack.
Very well.
Then perhaps I will not share my breakthrough with you.
Breakthrough? Dr.
Pescado, tell me.
I don't think so.
Hope I wasn't out of line with that "quack" thing.
What can I say? I'm a tortured human being.
Yes, yes.
Heidi! After all these long months my brilliance and your millions have finally won out.
Do you mean to tell me you have performed the transplant successfully? Behold Patient X.
Here we have a man with a face like Abe Vigoda and a body-- And a body like Sylvester Stallone in the first Rocky, before things got crazy.
Pescado, this surgery will work for me? You have merely to select the body you wish.
I already have.
Allow me to introduce the new, improved Spencer Spencer.
I always say shoot for the moon.
-Who is it? -Who is it? Lois, who else knocks on your third-story window? I.
I guess I didn't seen very appreciative about all that cheese.
It's just, having a boyfriend who can turn your every whim into reality takes some getting used to.
I mean, my gosh, if I wanted the perfect pearl from Japan I wouldn't expect it to just appear.
Any more than if I had some craving for Swiss chocolate I wouldn't expect you to go zipping off to Switzerland.
No more than if I wanted snow from the Andes.
I mean, they're just idle fantasies and they're not something that's important to two-- -You gotta stop doing that.
-Why? Making you happy makes me happy.
Did I ever tell you why I gave up my crush on Superman? Because he is a fantasy.
And did I tell you why I fell in love with Clark? Because he's real.
That's what I want.
-You do? -Yeah.
He's got problems and insecurities -and hat hair.
-I do not have hat hair.
If I told Clark that I liked the scent of tulips from Holland that is not your cue to go taxiing down the runway.
It just means that Clark and I would save up and someday take a vacation like a normal couple.
But I am Clark.
But you're also that guy who saves the world from killer bees and props up the Golden Gate Bridge.
Couldn't you just think of me as a very busy, very fast, very strong doctor? -I need some stability.
Superman, help! Please! -Lois-- -I need a sense that I am not sharing you with the -lf you could hold that thought-- -I need to know that you will be there for me when I need you.
I gotta go.
Take it to the side.
Low arms.
Oh, yeah.
Pull it up.
High arms.
Scoops again.
Just scoop it like this.
Scoop it.
Klavel! T owel me.
T owel me.
Think you' re scrubbing a bowling ball? First day I got new arms, l' m gonna wring your neck.
There is one little wrinkle, Senior Spencer.
As Heidi and I were making the final preparations for the surgery she raised a rather important issue.
My understanding is that this Superman is invulnerable.
How am I to perform the excision of his head? My scalpels will not even nick el hombre de acero.
-What? -His scalpels will not even nick-- Heidi, I speak English.
--the man of steel.
You crepe-hanging crybabies.
You think you're dealing with kids here? The guy'll cut like butter.
Every hear of kryptonite? I know that only a few specimens exist.
-How can you get it? -I'm getting a body transplant! You think I can't pull off a piece of kryptonite? I suppose Superman will just cha-cha-cha into our waiting clutches.
No, Miss Reichstag, his two best friends Lois Lane and Clark Kent, will lure him here.
My man in Metropolis says their boss is pushing them to go off to some remote little spot.
He says this Clark guy is all for it.
Well, gee whiz, I live in a remote little spot.
When they think they're stranded here, their buddy will show up, and I got him! Am I smart or what? This promotional basket just came for you.
Judas Priest, these things get worse every year.
You know, they're fleeing Cuba in things smaller than that.
They want you to send the travel editor to review this new private-island resort.
They say it's a perfect spot to fall in love.
Jimmy, should I even bother reading my mail anymore? or should I just ask you for a summary? Give me that.
I was kind of thinking that the travel editor's been awful busy and maybe you might wanna send somebody a little younger in a little more need of a vacation? You know, I think you may be on to something, son.
Tell Lois to come in here, will you? -Hi.
See that? Used the door.
-Just like a regular guy.
-Very impressive.
Yes, sirree, came down the old street and walked up the old stairs.
Just walking up the stairs.
Let me help.
Just like a regular guy.
Sort of.
So, what was that thing that we just crushed anyway? Promotion for some stupid tropical resort.
-So Perry got to you too.
-He's practically forcing us to go.
I told him l' m too busy.
Yeah, well, work would be a lot safer than spending an uninterrupted weekend with me.
Hold it.
Hold it.
I'm not the one leaping off tall buildings at every distant SoS.
Wait, wait, what are you saying? I don't think you could let the world get by on its own for two whole days.
You'd rather write about other people's lives.
It's less dangerous than living one of your own.
-oh, yeah? -Yeah.
-Someone want you? -No.
You know, I could do it if you could.
Wanna bet? Bet.
Here we are.
I'll help you with those things there, captain.
Excuse me.
Do you know where we check in? Well, the brochure said something about a welcome hukilau.
I guess we just wait at the Hotel Jitney.
I think I understand what's going on here, captain.
You think we shouldn't be fooled by the casual elegance of this place.
I understand that.
You know, us big-city tourists might think it's a little bit rustic or even primitive.
Thank you very much.
I knew you couldn't keep our bargain.
Two hours and already you're working.
I'm writing my will.
This way when they find our bleached bones, someone will know my wishes.
Well, if these are my last minutes, who better to spend them with? Alone in paradise with the woman I love.
It's almost biblical.
When you were out looking around you didn't happen to find any proof that there actually is a hotel, did you? No, but why wouldn't there be a hotel? Well, maybe no one built one.
or maybe we're on the wrong island.
or maybe this is a penal colony.
or maybe no living being has ever been here in the history of the earth.
Why don't you just go and take a quick buzz and look.
Now, how would I do that? I don't buzz anywhere.
Yes, but Superman does.
Yes, but Superman is not here.
That's cute.
Boy, that's really, really cute.
Well, okay.
Thank you.
I knew you'd come through.
A joke's a joke, huh? But-- -Where's the suit? -What suit? There's no suit.
I left it at home.
It's just you and me, Joe and Judy Regular.
Wanna neck? Can you believe these two, looking forward to some fun in the sun? Pretty quick it'll hit them they're in trouble.
That's when they'll call in the big boy.
oh, well.
I've never been a patient man.
Do it! -Hi.
oh, God.
It wasn't a dream.
We are here.
-What are you doing? -I am building our hut.
our hut? Well, I figure the hotel people will be here before nightfall or the boat will come and realize they put us in the wrong place.
Either way, we'll need shelter.
No, no, what we need is a sauna and a massage and some room service.
So why don't you just scoop me up into your arms and fly us off.
-Maybe we're near Rio.
-No scooping.
No flying.
You have been scooping and flying on a regular basis ever since I've known you.
And now that we are surrounded by crazed insects and murderous plants now you think would be a bad time.
Lois, you challenged me to let the world get along without me for a weekend.
Me and the world, we seem to be doing just fine.
-You, on the other hand, are a wreck.
-oh, really? You think I'm a wreck? Well, I'll show you what a wreck I am.
Let me just get these pantyhose off.
Hand me one of those palm leaves.
Here you go.
I just wish you didn't look like you were having such a good time.
I haven't had a vacation in years.
Trust me, there could be better ones.
okay, what do you do with this? T oo boring.
Bigger print.
The tiger ran away? You said this was the most vicious animal alive.
And it is.
Assuming that it keeps going, you know, forward.
Contaminate the drinking water.
-It's not so bad.
No, I think it looks pretty sturdy.
Gee, our first house.
-Hey, I thought you said no scooping.
-This is not scooping.
This is carrying.
I'm carrying you over the threshold.
our new home.
No, no, no, Alice, it's okay.
I'll go to the video store.
What's your second choice if they're out of Tora! Tora! Tora!? Breaking news, dumpling.
I gotta go.
Chief, sometimes it seems like you're afraid of Alice.
I am, Jimmy.
I am.
-Any word from Lois and Clark? -No, and there won't be.
says the island doesn't even have phones.
No phones.
Jimmy, learn to value life's treasures.
A beautiful woman.
A bottle of rum.
oh, boy, I envy Clark.
Those two, they must be in seventh heaven right now.
-What happened? -I thought a swim might be nice.
Lois! That water doesn't look so good.
But, look, there's a natural spring right over here.
-Where have you been anyway? -I was searching for food.
And, boy, are we lucky.
Look at all these bananas.
-Here, this water is a lot better.
By the way, I hate bananas.
Well, there's always roots and snails.
I can't believe I was complaining about Camembert from France.
It's like those words came from a different woman.
A clean woman.
A dope.
Well, if there are any fish in here, I bet I can figure out a way to catch one.
My pop used to take me fishing all the time when I was a kid.
I got pretty good.
I've never been fishing.
He's just an ordinary guy, my father who loves to do this ordinary thing, fishing.
I guess I love it because he loved it.
Your parents are really wonderful.
Maybe I wanna get married and have kids because they made it look like fun.
-oh, God.
-What? I'm just never gonna be as good of a mother as yours was.
What do I know about it? Your parents made it look fun.
-Mine made it look like a root canal.
My mother was always depressed.
My sister wouldn't come out of her room.
My father only related to cyborgs.
I didn't want a family.
I ran away as far as I could.
okay, so your parents made some mistakes.
-That doesn't mean that you're gonna.
-How do you know? Because I hear that the guy that wants to marry you is really, really terrific.
one last trial run before the big event.
No! Get him out of here.
No! Help! Well, they're not sick and there's no sign of Superman anywhere.
I'm not a patient man.
No! -I'm telling you they look like they don't want to be rescued.
Grab them.
oh, Superman.
What a way to go.
I guess you never learned how to do that.
Think about it, Lois.
Why would I ever have to learn how to do this? Well, it just so happens that I am a former Girl Scout.
Good, because I am a strange visitor from another planet.
So I guess by now you can see that we are on the wrong island.
Well, yeah.
Why? Do you wanna leave? No.
I suppose I could stick it out for one night.
Go get some dried leaves.
Clark, hurry up.
It's starting to smoke.
-okay, put the leaves on.
Now blow.
Well, that was good.
Next time you blow just remember that it's a campfire, not a nuclear reactor.
-That's okay.
Let's try it again.
There we go.
Now blow.
What's so funny? Well, this is exactly what I thought camping with Clark would be like.
Well, Lois, you are camping with Clark.
-We did it.
-All right.
Now if we only had some hot dogs on a stick.
Well, next best thing.
-oh, boy.
-There you go.
Banana on a stick.
Is this how you do this? -I guess.
-I wonder what it tastes like.
You know, I've dreamed of this.
Spending the night in your arms.
First it was Superman I dreamed of.
Then it was Clark.
What happened? Well first you held me in your arms.
And then we kissed.
-And? And then I asked you how you felt about me.
I don't know how I feel about you.
There is no one way.
I feel so many things.
And all at once.
I'm kind of scared too.
I feel safe in a way that I've never known but in danger too.
This thing between us, whatever it is it's stronger than me.
Being with you is stronger than me alone.
That's new to me.
on your feet.
I'll tell you what, I'm willing to forgo the bet.
Anytime you wanna change into Superman it's fine with me.
Lois, I kind of have to pick my moments for changing into Superman.
This one.
This moment.
Pick this one.
Maybe we're being watched.
I don't have the suit.
We'd bust out, never find what's behind this.
Do you have rules for everything? That would be good to know.
Being impulsive could be more trouble, as you should understand.
I'd think twice about marrying somebody that compulsive.
Pipe down.
Your host requests the honor of your company upstairs.
I think I'm gonna have to pass.
I forgot my party clothes.
Spencer Spencer says you're to come as you are.
Hey, hold it, Houdini.
It's nap time, sweetheart.
I don't know how you got out of those chains but this toxin will kill her in a few minutes.
The antidote is upstairs.
If you so much as blink, she won't get it and you can say goodbye to your babe.
If he even breathes wrong, hit the alarm, and this one dies.
Come on.
Wake up.
I've had lousy dates before, but this is ridiculous.
Hiya, toots.
I'm Spencer Spencer.
Welcome to my windowless lair.
You're Spencer Spencer? I thought you'd be taller.
You know, you're lovely when you're revolted.
I don't know what's going on here, but let me go.
Superman will be here any minute.
Well, that'd be just hunky-dory with me.
-This place lined with lead? -lt was built as a fallout shelter.
-What's he doing with her? -Anything he wants.
Well, what exactly does he want? Superman.
You know, I was gonna kill you for all that crap you wrote about me but then I thought you might prefer an exciting career opportunity.
-What do you mean? -You can be my sex slave.
-Kill me.
-I know.
I know.
The body.
Maybe I shouldn't hide it in a box.
Maybe you imagine it worse than it is.
-You couldn't imagine worse than this.
My only chance at girls like you is shooting them up with cobra venom.
And then it's iffy.
But all that's gonna change now, thanks to modern medicine.
-oh, my God.
-What? -I don't look good in tights? -The headless bodies.
It was you.
He says he can get you what you want.
-Lois? -Clark-- Shut up.
Mess up and she'll look like a goalie for a dart team.
okay, Spencer, here's the deal: -I'm Superman.
-What? -I am Superman.
-No, he's not.
-Lois, stop.
No, he's not.
-Yes, I am.
-You should know this man is insane.
-So where's the suit? No, don't tell me.
You left it at home.
As a matter of fact.
-Someone get him out of here.
-Keep your eye on the candelabra.
Gee, am I impressed.
Is there kryptonite here? I have that feeling.
Well, Spencer, you figured me out.
I'm not Superman.
-He's not Superman.
-A passing resemblance maybe.
-It's a thing he does at parties.
-So if you'll just let her go-- Enough! I don't know what's going on here, but something is.
Pescado, bring in the you-know-what.
It is him.
Doctor, scrub for surgery.
Get in your cage.
Following the removal of the head, we will immediately freeze the body in liquid nitrogen for attachment to you.
The kryptonite has rendered his flesh completely vulnerable.
Night-night, Superman.
Heidi! Belzer! Get whoever just ran out of here.
Do it, Pescado.
Klavel, let's go! Damn it, doctor.
Make the cut before he regains full strength.
Heidi, the nitrogen! okay, that'll hold you.
oh, gee.
Where's Spencer Spencer? He's a broken man.
-I'll call someone to pick up those two.
-And then could we please go home? Do you want to wait for a boat? No, I wanna fly first class.
So he tried to decapitate Superman and make you his love slave? oh, this is terrific stuff.
No, I mean, of course, you must be very shaken up.
-Unable to write even.
-l'm sending you the story now.
Oh, great.
Now, Lois, about that other thing, with Clark.
Have you thought it over yet? Well, things have been pretty hectic.
But you know that other side to him I mentioned? I think I decided it's something I could put up with.
-Good night, Perry.
-Good night, sweetie.
oh, listen, Lois.
Great work.
I was out.
And I wondered how you were doing.
-Dare I ask where these are from? -Down the street.
I paid cash.
Do you wanna see a receipt? No.
Well, I'd better.