Loot (2022) s01e05 Episode Script


[ARTHUR] Morning.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Got it. Thank you.
- That's very dangerous, sir.
I've seen that arm almost
cut someone in half.
Yes. I'm sorry.
Uh, thank you for stopping.
A-And thank you for, um, your service.
Oh, sorry. I didn't know you
were in here. I'll come back.
Oh, no. You don't have to
leave. No, I'm You can
I mean, I'll be done in a second.
- These machines, huh? [CHUCKLES]
- Mmm. Yeah.
- Tell me about it.
Uh, d'you know that the Spanish
word for coffee is el café?
Yeah. I mean, I fig
- Yeah, I guess I heard that somewhere.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, maybe the coffee
machine needs coffee.
What do you mean?
- Um, you know what? I'm just gonna
- Yeah, or I can Yep.
No, I got it. I'm good.
Okay. Enjoy.
I'm sorry, Sofia. I-I asked
Rhonda to double-check everything.
Which was a mistake.
[STAMMERS] I'm not a close reader.
I'm more of a dancer and artist.
I asked you both to stay on top of this.
I should be fired. I deserve it.
I can move back to Connecticut
and marry Trevor. It's fine.
[SHAKILY] Maybe he'll get
less stupid as time goes on.
Wait. No one is getting
fired. What's going on here?
What's going on here is
that we just gave a lot of your
money to Alameda Community College,
but 40% went to executive salaries,
not to the students who need it.
We missed it in the contract.
Um, Sofia, were you
wearing that yesterday?
Did you sleep here?
I was here all night, but
I definitely didn't sleep,
because I have no support, and
I have to do everything myself.
Okay. Look, it's obvious
we all need a break, okay?
Everyone, gather up your stuff.
We are going to take
a mental health day.
What? No. We can't just leave.
This is work, and we're Americans.
She's right. It's our national
duty to stay here and be miserable.
That's ridiculous.
Look, if there's one thing that
rich people know a great deal about,
it's self-care.
I once took six baths in one day
in three different countries.
I'm very proud of that.
Sofia, throw some deodorant on.
We're gonna ride together.
I'll see you in five.
[SNIFFS] Oh, God.
[HOWARD] Okay, he's got kind
eyes. What about that guy?
Ugh. He's wearing a hat
in, like, every photo.
He's probably bald or worse.
Mmm, we got no time for hat-fishers.
And another gay guy with
a niece. How original.
You didn't do any of the
work. Your sister did.
[HOWARD] What about that
guy you've been talking to
for, like, three weeks?
Uh, he's cute, but he's a little clingy.
I mean, last week he left me a
voice mail. And it's like, "What?"
You mind if I give you some advice
as a guy who's been happily pre-engaged
- for eight years?
- Okay.
[HOWARD] You gotta figure out
why you're even on these apps.
Is it about the guy or the game?
'Cause you're not gonna meet
someone real if it's about the game.
[HOWARD SIGHS] What time
is it anyway? I'm starving.
Man, there's no bosses
here. Let's just go.
- Yeah.
- [ARTHUR] Hey.
Would you, uh, gentlemen like a third?
A third what?
Oh, it's just I wanna, um I was
Can Well, can I come
with you? [CHUCKLES]
I guess. I mean, don't
you normally go to the park
with your sad little lunch box?
I do. I was just thinking today
I would, uh, hang with the boys.
All right. Fine.
Just please follow our
lead conversation-wise.
Where you lead, I shall follow, Captain.
- Okay, you tell me
if you feel that was a good start.
Welcome back.
- And welcome home.
- [MOLLY] Thank you.
Okay. I am not joining your cult.
- I'll join.
This is not a cult. This is Halsa.
It's my favorite spa in all of LA.
I've read about this place.
Their membership wait
list is five years long.
Mmm. Yes, but we got in right away.
Okay, how long is this
all going to take? [SIGHS]
Who knows? Time has no meaning here.
She's right, of course.
This is a haven from
the rest of the world.
Although we do actually need
an updated credit card from you.
Oh. Yes, of course.
I have to get back to
the office soon, and I
Sofia, relax. This is why we're here.
You are under way too much stress.
We are here to forget about our
problems and have a great time.
Breathe in these calming essential oils.
Okay. I can see why people
It feels like I'm on the
Avatar planet right now.
That means she likes it.
That feels amazing. What is this?
[HOWARD] Mmm. Just like Waikiki.
[NICHOLAS] No. It's not.
You're not gonna believe this,
but this place makes an
incredible grilled cheese.
Best in the city.
Oh, we will not be needing those.
- Three grilled cheese sandwiches, please.
- Okay, sure.
And, um, I I'm gonna o-order a beer.
You guys want a beer?
Okay, weirdo. What's going
on? What's wrong with you?
- Are you dying?
- No. Nothing is wrong.
It's just Hey, our
bosses are out of the office.
What's wrong with having a little fun?
Having some beers with my two compadres?
Okay. The vibe is so weird right now.
I haven't felt this way
since my parents told me they
were getting divorced again.
Let's get those beers
so we can calm down.
Great. Yes, uh, three beers.
Something like a Amstel
Light, but less exotic.
[SERVER] Okay. I'll see what we have.
That did not help me relax.
[RHONDA] Ah, I can
feel myself detoxifying.
I had half a glass of
white wine last night,
and this mask is totally
getting rid of my hangover.
What's in it?
Aloe, collagen,
and some 2,000-year-old
volcanic soil from Pompeii.
Obviously, that was a tragedy,
but it's cool something
good could come from it.
Oh, my God. I can't believe
this is how wide my
jaw is supposed to open.
[CHUCKLES] It looks like you're
finally understanding self-care.
You know what? I think I am.
Ainsley, Rhonda, I wanna
apologize for this morning.
I shouldn't have come at you like that.
I was obviously stressed and tired.
You weren't terribly
wrong. We did mess up.
Everyone messes up sometimes.
Most days, you two do really good work.
I just wanna let you know that.
Thank you, dear.
[SOFIA] Thank you for
taking us here, Molly.
This was a really good idea.
I think the team needed this.
- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you.
Aw, you guys. Don't worry about it.
I'll be there for you ♪
- When the rain starts ♪
- We're not gonna sing, Ainsley.
Okay. Got it. Yep.
Okay. Howard, this is a
horrible grilled cheese sandwich.
Okay, I'm remembering now.
This is not the grilled
cheese sandwich place.
This is the place where Tanya
and I got bad food poisoning.
Mmm. She really
embarrassed me that night.
[STAMMERS] going to dinner with
a special someone can be so nice.
What are you talking about?
Something is definitely going on.
Just tell us what's bothering you.
Oh, I mean, it It's nothing major.
It's just, when you get to my age,
you start to realize that the
end is closer than the beginning.
- Oh, wow. That's where you're starting?
- [HOWARD] No, I get it.
I mean, I'm always worried I'm gonna die
before the Fast and
the Furious saga ends,
and I gotta know if la
familia sticks together.
I'm I'm realizing that I
have reached a point in my life
where I want some companionship again.
I heard you guys talking about
dating, so I thought I would ask if
if you had any advice.
Hmm. Okay. Well, I really
don't like vulnerability,
but I love to tell people what to do,
which is basically what advice is.
So, yeah, I'm in.
[HOWARD] Well, I'm in.
I love helping people.
I mean, I introduced my
cousin J.J. to his wife,
and let's just say I need
to get it right this time.
- Okay.
- So, show us your dating apps.
Okay, um, I Yeah, I don't have any.
What? Okay, give me your phone.
I'll download what you need.
Oh. Great. Okay.
All right. So, we're
gonna start with a bio.
Something, you know, funny
and sassy but not too funny.
And also keep it short,
but sum up your entire life
in, like, nine words or less.
Okay. Um, okay.
I like
outside, daughter, love.
- We're gonna handle the writing.
- Yep.
Hey, Molly. Is it okay
if we keep these robes?
I feel like I'm being
hugged by a polar bear.
Yes, honey. Of course you can.
- Shut your beautiful face.
- Moll-Doll? Hey!
- [CHUCKLES] Molly!
What are you doing here?
I thought you were gonna
be at your work thingy now.
Well, I decided to treat
my coworkers to a spa day.
Oh, my God! Cute!
- Hi. Hello.
- Hi.
Oh, it's so good to see
you guys. I've missed you.
We haven't seen each other in so long.
Ugh. God, I know. I've been
slammed up the butt lately.
Ever since we came back from
Florence, all hell broke loose.
Like, "Life, can you give me a minute?"
But we said when we get back
to LA, we have to call you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Aw.
Wait. So So, were you
guys in Florence together?
Uh, yeah, yeah. It was the,
um the annual wives' trip.
Right! Oh, my gosh.
- Yes, of course, the annual wives' trip.
- [CELESTE] Mm-hmm.
I mean, I'm not technically
John's wife anymore,
but that doesn't mean
that you guys can't go,
but, I mean, we're still friends,
so why wouldn't we still
go on trips together?
- I mean [CHUCKLES] right?
What? What is it?
Honey, we just We just thought
it would be awkward for you.
What would be awkward?
Wait, was Hailey on the trip?
Well, sh I mean, she was on
- She was on part of it.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- [MOLLY] Uh.
- [JACINDA] It was random.
We were going to meet
the boys in Rome after,
and and John really
wanted to bring Hailey.
And Phil, I mean, I love him,
but he's [LAUGHING]
such a dumb fucking idiot.
He told John that Hailey could go.
So, it wasn't ideal, but,
you know, we kind of had to.
- Right, right. Sure. I mean, I get it.
- [JACINDA] Yeah.
- I I totally understand. [CHUCKLES]
- [JACINDA] Well, I mean, whatever.
- Let's get breakfast next week. Okay?
- OG girls.
- Yes!
- Sure.
- Okay, perfect.
And And by the way,
I just have to say,
- I love your coworkers.
- [MOLLY] Oh.
I mean, what a diverse
group. I love that. Yes!
- [CELESTE] Mm-hmm.
- [JACINDA] Okay.
I'm gonna call you next week,
whether you like it or not. Okay?
- [MOLLY] Yes.
- Love you.
- Love you.
- [JACINDA] You look amazing.
- [LAUGHS] Bye.
- [MOLLY] Bye.
- Forty-five.
- Forty-one.
- [NICHOLAS] Height?
- 5'11".
If you say you're 5'11", that
means you're actually 5'4".
- [HOWARD] Mm-hmm.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, favorite book?
- Jurassic Park.
- Nope. I said "book." That's a movie.
Okay. We're gonna leave that
blank. I think it's hotter that way.
[HOWARD] Mmm, I can see that.
All right, if you could invite one
person to dinner, who would it be?
Ooh, um, hmm.
Okay. If the person
spoke a dead language,
would there be some
universal translator device?
Oh, my God. [SIGHS]
LeBron, Oprah, Khaleesi, and you, babe.
[CHUCKLES] Jesus Christ,
being straight is so easy.
Yeah, I-I just feel like we're being
a little dishonest in this profile.
What do you think dating is, dude?
It's all about being dishonest.
I mean, you lie online
and then again in person.
I've been with Tanya for eight years,
and she's still never
seen me with my shirt off.
Do you want our help or not?
Yes, I Yes.
This is now my second-favorite
place after Disneyland. [CHUCKLES]
I hope I can come back here 479 times.
Tida, you are an artist.
Hey, Molly's been gone for a
while. Do you think she's all right?
She said she was going to the bathroom.
Tida, I'll I'll be back in a second.
Hi. Just a plain soda water, please.
I I will, uh, still take
the umbrella, if you have it.
- You sure you don't want a double?
I'm just trying to keep hydrated.
Yeah, I had a cerveza over
there with my friends, so
Cerveza? Hablas español?
Oh. I'm sorry. I
I don't know Spanish.
Um, but I am learning.
Muy early. I'm just on tape two.
Well, your pronunciation's not bad.
- Oh.
- What else you got?
Okay. Um, I can tell
you about being at a zoo.
Honestly, I can just list animals.
Hey, it's a start.
I'm Chelsea, by the way.
Arthur. It's nice to meet you.
You too.
[CLEARS THROAT] Thank you.
[MOLLY] Please. It is not a big deal.
She threw my shit into
a hot tub. I saw her.
- It was an accident.
- No, it was not an accident.
Phil hitting that guy in Ireland
with his car, that was an accident.
[MOLLY] Okay, you know what?
Maybe I did kick some of your
stuff in, but you deserved it.
What What were you doing,
going on a trip with Hailey?
What kind of a friend does that?
- Oh, my God. Are you serious? [CHUCKLES]
That is That is unhinged.
Molly, you know that Halsa has
a zero negative energy policy.
I know that. Don't
you think I know that?
You need to say that to her.
- I think you know what I have to do.
We've come to the end of the road here.
I funded the entire aromatherapy wing.
There is a scent named after me.
It smells like plumeria
and blueberry muffins.
I'm sorry, but I have to do this.
We're gonna go ahead and charge
you for the rest of the month,
but then rescind your membership.
[MOLLY] Fine.
We should go.
Oh, perfect timing. We
just finished your profile.
I added that you were a cast member
on Road Rules, Semester at Sea.
Don't worry about it.
[CHUCKLES] I I so appreciate
you gentlemen helping me with this,
but I don't feel
comfortable with the lies.
I'm gonna delete it.
Oh, God. Helping people
is such a waste of time!
- You work at a charity.
- Not by choice.
It was great to meet you, Arthur.
I'm free next week for
dinner. Text me anytime.
Okay, great. Take care, Chelsea.
Who the hell was that?
Just a woman I met at the bar.
We hit it off, so I asked her out.
- IRL?
- I'm sorry, IR what?
Oh, wow. That is very old-school.
I am impressed. Shook, but impressed.
Okay, this calls for another round.
Three more beers, please!
Oh, and I'll take another
bad grilled cheese!
No. Your butt.
Guys, I just want to say I'm sorry
for having a full-on mental breakdown
during our mental health day.
It's okay. Don't be
too hard on yourself.
- I ruined Halsa for you guys.
- [SOFIA] No, you didn't.
I like that I have one soft
foot and one crusty one now.
- It makes me interesting.
You know, the messed-up thing is,
I don't even really
like Jacinda that much.
She was just a part of John's life,
and I I think I just got used to her.
And now he's gone, and
my old friends are gone.
Halsa's gone.
[SIGHING] I I just feel like
an outdated model of a car or something.
No, you are not an outdated model.
When I look at you, I see
a new and improved model.
Yes. You're like a
sleek, beautiful Buick.
Okay. That's a weird
car to pick, but I agree.
You have so much going for yourself.
- And you're just getting started.
- That's right.
Oh, thanks. [GROANS]
You'll have new friends, a new spa.
- You'll get a new guy too. I know it.
- [RHONDA] Yes.
I don't know.
I think my dating days are behind me.
What? No, don't say that.
You are beautiful. You must
have a ton of men after you.
Malcolm Gladwell keeps texting
me New Yorker articles and saying,
"This made me think of you."
And then I text back exclamation
points, but I don't read the article.
- Is that flirting?
- No, definitely not. That's nothing.
Forget him. There's tons
of nice guys out there.
You'll meet one when you're
not even expecting it,
and everything will just click.
You're right. I think. [CHUCKLES] Maybe.
What do you say we drink up?
- Yes!
- [RHONDA] Yes! Arriba!
[MOLLY] Hello?
- [ARTHUR] Hey, there you are.
Howard, Nicholas.
They have returned from the
place that that they were at.
The boss bitches are back, respectfully.
- Oh, shit.
Are you guys drunk?
Mmm. We had some alcohol at lunch.
I'm sorry. I never do stuff like this.
No, it's it's okay.
- Us girls went and got a drink too.
- Oh.
We saw the craziest
thing. We had to celebrate.
This maverick right here,
he asked out a girl who
was sitting at the bar.
- IRL?
- Yeah, and she was beautiful too.
Or, I'm sorry, muy caliente.
I can say that 'cause I'm gay.
- No, you can't.
- But the alliance!
[MOLLY] Wow, that's cool.
No, that's
I'm so happy for you.
Proud of you. Great job.
Okay, why don't we all just go
home, since everyone's drunk?
See everyone tomorrow.
And terrible day.
Let's not do this again. We're
supposed to be professionals.
Good night, guys.
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