Loot (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

The Philanthropic Humanitarian Awards

Coming out!
What the hell?
Ooh! Don't hurt 'em, Miss Liz.
Thank you!
- The AC guy call back yet?
- Nope.
Unbelievable. One more hour
and I try to fix it myself.
Holy fucking shit!
Come on, people. Energy up!
Rib cage! Shoulders down, everyone!
This is she.
Are you serious?
Yes! Oh!
Over 150 local organizations
were shocked this morning
when they received
generous financial gifts
from billionaire Molly Wells.
Wells is using her immense wealth
to fund Southern California
outreach programs.
The gifts were unsolicited and
caught the recipients by surprise.
This money is going to improve
the lives of so many LGBTQ youth.
I can't believe this happened to us.
I'm so thankful! Whoo!
The former wife of CEO John
Novak said in a statement
that this morning's
activity is just a start,
and more financial help is on the way.
Quite a nice day for
these deserving folks.
Congratulations, you guys.
Molly, I gotta hand it to you.
These surprise donations
were a genius idea.
It's a new feeling to be watching
myself on TV for something positive.
I am so proud of us,
guys. Cheers, everyone!
In other news, 18 severed feet
were found in a basement in Ohio
Oh, no, no, no. Don't cheers to
that. Cheers to the thing before.
Oh, my God. Molly. Molly.
Mol Oh, this is huge.
I've got some good news,
and I've got some bad news.
The good news is we got
invited to a super fancy party.
- Well, what's the bad news?
- Everyone here got invited too.
I'm being recognized
for something the "Philanthropic
Humanitarian Awards"?
The Mannies? For real?
Yeah. It says I'm receiving the
"Marjorie Pendleton Foster Award."
Who's that?
She was a famous philanthropist.
She used her family's oil fortune
to build a lot of orphanages.
Before throwing herself
in front of a train.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Who cares about any of that?
It's a black-tie
affair at a fancy hotel.
I mean, we're back.
Oh, wow. The celebration is catered.
A vegetarian option. Well,
that's considerate of them.
Ooh! It says they have
lobster and prime rib.
I mean, I love surfboard turf.
You know, I've been to
plenty of award ceremonies,
but it was always because
John was winning something.
I mean, I'm happy for you.
But should we be going
to the Mannies though?
What? Why are you like this? Why?
I mean, it's kind of messed up
to watch a bunch of billionaires
give each other golden statues.
But we've been working really hard.
- And who doesn't like a free prime rib?
- Yeah.
Then it's settled.
We're dressing up. We're eating lobster.
We are going to a fancy party
to celebrate putting this
shitty year behind me!
- Okay, but let's remember that
- No! You will not ruin this for me.
- Okay. It's okay. We're going.
- It's okay, baby. It's okay.
Go, go.
Shh. It's okay. It's okay. I know.
You really think I can pull this off?
I have never been more
sure of anything in my life.
Okay. I'm coming out.
Oh, my God.
This is everything.
Ah, you are a phoenix
rising out of the ashes.
You look so beautiful in this,
you are this close to
penetrating my gay seal.
It does feel good, you know,
being recognized for something
other than just being divorced.
Yeah. And you deserve it.
- How's the speech coming along?
- Great.
"As many of you know, I've
been through a lot this year.
And in that journey, I
have found a way to mend.
Philanthropy is, at its core,
all about healing others.
But it's also about healing myself."
Oh, my God! Powerful, much?
- Did you write this?
- Oh, God. No. I hired a speechwriter.
I mean, look at me in this
dress. Do I look like a writer?
- No, you don't. And thank God for that.
- Right?
Can you imagine?
"Um, I think the comma should
go over there, not here."
"Oh, words, words, words.
I have no way of
communicating with people."
"Let's workshop this piece
I'm working on right now."
Oh, God. That's too real.
- I took it too far.
- Yeah.
This is the coolest
thing I've ever been to.
Alex wants proof that I'm actually here.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
That is Martin Streibler.
Oh, man.
What a cool feeling
for someone who knows
who Martin Streibler is.
He founded the software company
that revolutionized
accounting back in the '90s.
I mean, he's like the LeBron
James of number crunching.
Sorry, I I don't know if you're
a sports guy. Uh, LeBron James
Look, I appreciate you
not making assumptions,
but I know who LeBron James is.
Mmm, all right.
Let's go say hi to Martin.
Wait, what? Hang on. Are you kidding?
No. Why not?
The guy is, like, a billionaire.
We can't just walk up to him. Right?
Sure we can. I mean, this is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Let's go.
Pardon me. I do not mean to interrupt
what appears to be a very lively
and lovely conversation, but
Are you Martin Streibler?
Yes, I am.
Oh. Well, sir, I have your
number-one fan right over here.
- Hmm. Say hello.
- Hello.
- Where is this bartender?
- I don't know. It's been a while.
Here I am. So sorry to make you
wait. What can I get for you?
Could I please have a tequila and
a Diet Sprite with five cherries
- and a little bit of
- Oh, Lord, no.
We will have two vodka martinis,
dry as a bone, with a twist.
Excellent choice.
He's very handsome.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
It this what all martinis taste
like? This vodka is incredible.
Right? That's my favorite brand.
Wait. Are you Jean-Pierre Voland?
I am.
I saw you waiting, so
I had to do something.
This man might just be as rich as
you, and he's a huge philanthropist.
His family owns the company
that makes this vodka.
Believe it or not, that baby is me.
My grandfather put me on
the bottle. I don't know why.
Maybe because you were
such a handsome baby?
I'm Sofia.
Your family's foundation
does great work.
And I'm Molly.
And your family's vodka
also does great work.
For me. On the dance floor.
- À votre santé.
- Vous parlez français ?
- Oui, un petit peu.
- Hmm.
I mean, I know how to
"cheers" in several languages.
Just a heads-up.
Try not to say ochinchin to a
room full of Japanese businessmen.
It means, "Cheers to
your little boy's penis."
Good to know.
Well, if you will excuse me.
Please enjoy your evening.
And you.
I can't believe that's
that hot baby all grown up.
I mean, the GUI that you added to
keep track of moving averages
Genius alert!
- You really love this stuff, don't you?
- I do, yes. Very much so.
Let me give you my card. You
should come by our offices.
Oh, yeah! I would I
Definitely. Let's Let's do it.
I'll just finish my Martinelli's here.
He means another time
when we're not at a party.
Got it. Sorry. Got a little excited.
You're doing great.
Oh! So sorry.
Molly. Hi.
- Hey. Uh, sorry.
- No, I Sorry.
I didn't want to run into you like this.
It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
- Cool.
- Cool.
I like your dress.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
So, do you wanna fuck it the
way you fucked my husband?
Okay. It seems like you're not fine.
Molly! Hey. Long time no see.
What are you doing here? I
thought you were in Monaco.
Oh, well, we were, but then,
you know, the Mannies called.
I'm a big donor, so they wanted me here.
So we turned the plane around.
- Fantastic.
- Yeah.
So, can she eat her steak by herself,
or do you need to cut it for her?
Uh, neither. I'm a pescatarian.
Okay, let's just take a breath here.
I am breathing just fine,
thank you. Everything is fine.
There is nothing abnormal
about the way I'm breathing.
I am perfectly breathing normally.
It's not out of the
ordinary. Thank you very much.
Why don't you two have a great night?
I'll see you guys later. Goodbye.
- John is here.
- What?
John is here with Hailey.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill
him. If I see him, I'm gonna
Oh, my God. His hair looks amazing.
Did he get a body wave?
There's no way that's natural.
I can't do this.
Come on.
Molly! Molly, wait!
Mol Molly! Come on! Wait! Hold
up. Hold up. Hold up. Talk to us.
I don't understand. He never
cared about charity before.
- Why would he come here tonight?
- Because he wanted this to happen.
- He wanted to get in your head.
- What?
Nicholas is right. He's jealous
of the good press you're getting.
He showed up to throw you off your game.
I think he wants to win the breakup.
Exactly. Okay? So this
is what you need to do.
You need to calm down, walk
back in there, waltz up to John,
and take a picture with him with
the biggest smile anyone's ever seen.
Regain control.
Ooh, that is some real
First Wives Club-level stuff.
- Exactly. And you're Bette Midler.
- No, I wanna be Goldie Hawn.
Babe, we've talked about
this. I am clearly Goldie Hawn.
I don't care about what
white woman you wanna be.
If we're gonna do this, we
should get back in there.
- Clearly, someone's a Diane Keaton.
- Mm-hmm.
- Who is that?
- I'll tell you later.
- Hello, John.
- Hi.
I just wanted to stop by and say hi.
- I love your dress.
- Thanks.
- And your hair. It's beautiful.
- Isn't she gorgeous?
What do you say the three
of us get a picture together?
- Um, yeah. Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
Aw. This is so nice.
What a beautiful night, huh?
- I love this night.
- Me too.
Aw, all right. I better get back
to my table and work on my speech.
- All right. Great to see you.
- Beautiful night.
- Lovely to see you.
- Okay. Yeah.
Then my Aunt Mabel says, "The
ice cream bar's in your hand."
Such a humorous ending.
Howard, w-what do you do?
Oh, well, I'm currently
in information technology,
but to save time, I
call it "information T."
Uh-huh. I knew it. IT.
So, is your company a new start-up idea?
Oh, n-no. I mean, I'm just an
employee at the Wells Foundation.
Yeah, Howard is a huge part of our team.
We couldn't get through
a single day without him.
Such admirable work.
I mean, yeah, it it's admirable,
but it doesn't mean I don't
have other irons in the fire.
I mean, I've almost started a
pro-wrestling podcast several times.
- Wow.
- In many ways, I I'm jealous of you.
Y-You have your whole
life ahead of you.
Y-You You can explore your passions.
I mean, I love my company,
but sometimes I call it my
six-billion-dollar prison.
Mmm. My God. This This is
what you wanted to deprive us of?
Okay, you're right. This
lobster is stupid good.
I'm not even chewing. It's just melting.
There's chocolate inside of everything.
I'm gonna go freshen up for my speech.
What do you think
about a peace offering?
Hmm. What do you want?
Okay, look.
What I want
is to say that I'm sorry.
Here it comes. The moment
we've all been waiting for.
Look, I mean it.
I mean, there were problems.
We both know that. But
I should have addressed them with
you instead of running away. It
I disrespected you and our marriage.
And I regret it.
Thank you for saying that.
Wha Hold on, Molly. I'm not done.
I also wanted to say that
what you're doing now, with the charity,
it's amazing.
I mean, to endure what I put you through
and end up where you did?
It's extremely impressive.
I probably shouldn't say this,
but I think Hailey is
a little jealous of you.
Well, you definitely shouldn't say that.
And I definitely shouldn't
say that I love hearing that.
So, uh
how do you like being the boss?
- I like it.
- Yeah.
I mean, sometimes.
Sometimes it's terrible.
I heard that.
You're, you know, definitely
making a difference,
so that's something to
be proud of right there.
I mean, obviously, it's way easier
to give money away than to earn it,
but still.
That's just a joke.
You can't help yourself, can you?
Oh, okay. Take it easy.
Oh, don't tell me to take it easy.
You have this pathological
need for competition. I
That's what this whole
night is for you, isn't it?
What competition are you talking about?
I mean, you understand
there is a big difference
between building what I built
and then just giving
away half of what I earned
to some fucking dance teams.
- Oh, what you earned?
- Yeah.
I was there every step of the way.
I supported you while you
dicked around in our garage,
doubting yourself, wondering
if you were ever gonna make it.
But I did make it.
And then you sat by the pool for
20 years doing literally nothing.
So I feel like that's a pretty
good return on your investment.
This was a mistake.
I'm going to get my award.
Oh, okay. Well, you're
welcome, by the way.
For what? What does that mean?
Oh, come on, Molly.
How do you think they
choose who gets these awards?
You think there's a
computer that measures
how much good you're doing in the world?
I have no idea how it works.
I'm friends with some people
on the board of this event.
I made some calls, strongly
suggested they give you an award.
I don't know, I thought
you could use the win.
Hey. Everybody was
wondering where you went.
Something wrong?
They never give you enough
cornichons with your charcuterie.
Okay. Something not
food-related bothering you?
It's just that your man, Martin,
said something that made me think.
I mean, I know you look at me
as your young, hip, Gen Z friend
that's, like, 23, 24 tops.
Yeah. Yeah. Something like that.
Well, I'm not 23. I'm 38 years old.
So I don't have my whole
life in front of me,
and I'm just not happy
with where I am right now.
Sometimes I'm just up late at night,
wondering if I'm wasting
my life or something.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Yeah. Well, it's kind of
just all hit me at once,
and I was quietly processing it
until someone rudely interrupted me.
Got it. Well, uh, I'm
sorry I interrupted you.
But I gotta say, Howard
you have a gift that almost
no one else in the world has.
People love you. They
want to be around you.
Take tonight. You had those
billionaires eating out of your hand.
Yeah, that's easy.
That's just eye contact and
picturing everyone as Santa Claus.
My point is, someone with your
charisma is gonna go far in this world.
I guarantee you that one day you
will be someone's Martin Streibler.
Thank you. That's cool of you to say.
You wanna head back to the table?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- But grab that charcuterie for me.
- Oh. Oh, okay.
I think there are people
that do this, but okay.
Hey, you coming in?
I think your award's up soon.
I'm sorry. I just don't feel
like accepting an award right now.
You sure? 'Cause your speech is
great, and you look beautiful.
Thank you.
I think everything started
feeling too intense, you know?
You guys should stay
and enjoy your night.
I'll just sit here for a sec,
and then I'm gonna head home.
Yeah, she's not coming back.
Okay. Then where we going?
You guys, you left your table?
Are you sure you don't wanna stay?
No. What's the point of being
in there if you're not with us?
Yeah, we got your back, coz.
If we're leaving, why don't
we just go to Dave & Buster's?
- I got a ton of tickets.
- Oh, no, Howard, those tickets are a scam.
Oh, no, they are not. I'm
only 700,000 away from a PS3.
The amount you're spending there
you could be putting into a Roth IRA.
It doesn't matter. I'm not getting
hate-crimed at a Dave
& Buster's tonight.
Rest in peace, you titans of charity.
And now, on a lighter note,
here to accept the Marjorie
Pendleton Foster Award,
please give a warm
welcome to Ms. Molly Wells.
Has anyone seen Molly Wells?
She was right there.
- Sorry, everyone. So sorry.
- Oh.
Molly Wells, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
I bet some of you thought I got
hit by a train like Marjorie.
Not going down like her.
Tonight, I had planned to give a
long speech that was all about me.
But I don't know how
much I deserve this award.
I mean, don't get me
wrong, I am pretty great.
But I'm also pretty new
to this charity thing.
And you know who's been putting
in the work for a long time?
My team.
They work hard without
ever asking for credit.
And they're always there
for me in every way.
So I'd like to ask them to come
up here and accept this award,
because tonight should
really be about them.
Oh, my God. This is amazing.
I didn't even want to
come to this tonight,
but I loved those martinis
and the little potato
chips with the tuna on them.
And now this!
Oh, my God, this is heavy. Thank you!
Hey, the night is still young. How
long does Dave & Buster's stay open?
- The one in the mall closes at 11:00.
- Oh. We can make it.
- Yeah.
- Okay, apps are on me, guys.
Miss Wells!
Hi again.
Hi again.
I like what you said up there.
Uh, if you're open to it, I'd
love to work on a project together.
Uh, yeah. That would be great.
All right. Give me a call.
I'll be waiting.
- Oh, my God.
- Ooh.
Don't worry about it, you guys.
Okay, when I say Dave, you say Buster's.
- Dave.
- Buster's!
- Dave.
- Buster's!
- Dave.
- Buster's!
- Dave.
- Buster's!
- Dave.
- Buster's!
- Dave.
- Buster's!
- Dave.
- Buster's!
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