Lost In Space (1965) s02e10 Episode Script

Curse of Cousin Smith

[ Man Narrating ] Last week, as you recall we left Will and Penny peacefully bird-watching unaware that high above them a passing spaceship was about to hurl an incredible visitor down upon their forgotten planet.
Hold it.
This looks like a good place.
- Nothing.
- Here, let me look for a while.
You just take down the description.
I'll do the bird-watching.
It's not fair.
I always get the dull job.
Look, I'm the man around here, and men give the orders.
Just because you tried to shave this morning doesn't mean you're a man.
Why, look at you.
All you managed to cut off is a big hunk of skin.
Look, I told you I was just practicing.
I didn't know there was a blade in the razor.
Well, why didn't you take the time to look, silly? Every time I let you come along with me, it's the same old story-- nag, nag, nag.
Well, if you'd let me use the binoculars once in a while the habit pattern would be different.
"The habit pattern would be different.
" Oh, listen to her.
Well, why don't you let me use the glasses? My eyes are just as good as yours are.
Because you exaggerate everything.
That's why.
"The neck is angular, with a gentle pink band running around its base.
The legs are slender, graceful, with a delicate--" Sounds more like you're describing a fashion show than a bird specimen.
You're just jealous because I have a better command of words than you do.
Baloney! My vocabulary of words is just as good as yours! - It is not! - You wanna bet? - Yeah! - [ Robot ] If you'll permit me to speak.
Both of you have an excellent command of the English language.
However, if you do not contain yourselves you will frighten off a specimen which has just arrived.
- [ Bird Chirping ] - Where? I don't see anything.
A few feet to the right of the small tree.
[ Penny ] Oh, isn't it beautiful? All right, Will.
I'm ready.
We've already catalogued that one.
It's a Plump-bellied Dr.
Smith Sapsucker.
But I don't understand.
Well, here's a Golden-tailed Dr.
Smith Wyandotte and a Dr.
Smith Bullfinch and-- An explanation is simple.
Dr.
Smith names all the specimens which he discovers after himself.
That's why I don't ask him to come with me anymore.
Otherwise, every bird on this planet Come on, Will.
We'd better get back to the Jupiter 2.
[ Will ] It's luggage! Trunks and suitcases! Warning.
Warning.
Warning.
- Approaching danger.
- [ Screams ] Will, look out! Oh, Will! Will! - Are you hurt? - No.
- The parachute on that trunk didn't open.
- So I see.
The Robot-- He saved my life.
Will, Penny, are you all right? Are you all right? Yeah.
If it hadn't been for you, I would have been killed.
I have been programmed to protect others.
I only performed as required.
Also, you are my friend.
And you're mine.
Hey, I wonder what's in this trunk.
There's one way to find out.
Let's open it.
- Oh! - [ Whistles ] Cards, dice-- I've never seen so many gambling things.
- I wonder who they belong to.
- [ Man Moaning ] - Over there.
- [ Moaning Continues ] Come on.
I hope he's not badly injured.
Computations reveal no serious injuries.
He's probably just stunned from the fall.
- Are you all right? - We're fine, sir.
But I'm not too sure about him.
[ Maureen ] We saw the spaceship as it passed overhead.
He must have parachuted out of it.
All these things must belong to him.
- [ Man Groaning ] - He seems to be coming to.
[ Judy ] I wonder what he's doing here.
Well, at least he looks pleasant enough.
Not like some horrible, growling monster.
No.
[ Screams ] - No! - What's wrong, Dr.
Smith? Oh, no! It can't be! It mustn't be! He's alive! [ Screaming ] - Save me! - What's the matter with Smith? - He looked absolutely terrified.
- How do you feel? He probably doesn't understand our language.
Of course I understand English, young man.
Who are you, sir? Have no fear, my good people.
Jeremiah Smith is here.
- Oh, would you like some more coffee? - Thank you.
There we are.
A delectable repast, Mrs.
Robinson.
You have made a new man of me.
Oh, well, I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Mr.
Smith.
Uh, Colonel Jeremiah Beauregard Smith in point of fact, my dear.
- Oh! - Though you must call me Jeremiah.
- Well, I will.
- We have a Dr.
Smith with us.
Yes, indeed.
A very common, though distinguished, name throughout the galaxy.
Virtually none of them belong to my particular branch of the family, however.
- Oh.
[ Chuckles ] - The delicious aroma of well-brewed coffee.
I haven't tasted this delightful beverage since I was on the planet Tauron.
- Is that where you're from, Colonel? - Oh, no, no, no.
Just another one of those places touched upon during my wanderings.
Well, from what you tell us, Colonel, you do a great deal of moving about.
I am an extensive traveler, you might say, Major.
I'm a citizen of the universe ever in quest of new sights and sensations.
Well, I'm afraid you made a mistake by coming here.
- There isn't much to see or do.
- Oh! Not at all, my dear.
Allow me to say no matter where you are, life is just as exciting as you make it.
Your arrival here, Colonel, seems to have, uh, stirred up Dr.
Smith.
I can't imagine why.
By the way, where is he? I'm most anxious to meet him.
I sent Will and Penny to his cabin to roust him out.
He should be here at any moment.
I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to engage in conversation with such intelligent, friendly people.
You still haven't explained, Colonel, how you, uh, happened to end up on this planet.
Uh, well, it wasn't exactly an accident.
You see, I heard there were Earth people on this planet and being homesick for the faces of my own kind I arranged to pay you a little visit.
Well, Will saw your arrival through his binoculars.
He said that the way that your trunks and suitcases came flying out of the spaceship it really looked as though they'd been thrown overboard.
[ Wheezing Laughter ] What an extraordinary imagination.
Yes.
Why, here come the two youngsters now, I do believe.
- [ Maureen ] Where's Dr.
Smith? - He refuses to come out of his quarters.
And he says he's gonna stay there until Colonel Smith leaves.
He sure was acting strange.
He called Colonel Smith all sorts of terrible names.
Well, what puzzling behavior! I wouldn't worry about it, Colonel.
Dr.
Smith's behavior is always puzzling.
Say, does anybody realize what time it is? Yes, it is getting late.
Say, I suggest we all turn in.
I'm sorry, Colonel, that the Jupiter 2 hasn't any extra sleeping accommodations.
- But perhaps you'd like to try-- - Please don't distress yourself, Professor.
The night is fine, and the heavens are sprinkled with stars.
I shall be more than comfortable in my sleeping bag.
All right, then.
We'll see you in the morning.
- Pleasant dreams to you all.
- Good night, Colonel.
- Good night.
- Good night, Colonel.
Good night.
Good night.
Sleep well, all of you.
Yes.
Sleep well.
Especially you, Dr.
Zachary Smith.
That is, if you can.
[ Coughing ] Oh, dear.
Oh! I don't know what they're cooking in the galley, but whatever it is-- it's burning.
Burning? Fire? I'm on fire! Help! - Oh, John! - Get the children outside, darling.
- Yes, I will.
- [ Coughing ] Oh, dear! I shall never survive this excitement.
Never! My heart-- [ Screams ] - Something wrong? - Go away! What a strange fellow he is.
[ All Coughing ] There you go.
There's a fire on the Jupiter 2! Afire? Why, you know, I thought I heard an alarm of some sort.
Well, Professor Robinson and Major West will take care of it, no doubt.
- Was that Dr.
Smith I saw running out? - It was indeed.
Poor fellow came whomping out of there like he was pursued by a horde of demons.
- He must really be shook up to go out alone.
- [ Penny ] Poor Dr.
Smith.
Is the fire out? There wasn't any.
Just a lot of smoke.
The release valve on one of the compression units must have slipped.
- I thought you checked those out a couple of days ago.
- I did! You know, something told me there wasn't anything serious going on.
In any event, all's well that ends well, isn't it? Not for Dr.
Smith, it isn't.
He's wandering in the wilderness somewhere.
I think we should go out and find him.
Uh, no.
Don and I will do that.
Now, why don't you all just, uh, go back to bed, huh? Professor Robinson, I find that I have mislaid my sleeping bag.
Until Dr.
Smith returns, I wonder would you have any objection to my using his quarters? Well, I don't have any objections, but, uh, Dr.
Smith might.
- Oh, I'm sure he wouldn't.
- How do you know that? Why, Major West, because blood is thicker than water and Zachary and I are cousins.
Cousins? - [ Yawning ] - [ Chuckling ] Well.
Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
I'm a little beat this morning.
Well, after having been out half the night looking for Dr.
Smith - I shouldn't wonder.
- Mmm.
[ Maureen ] Good morning, Jeremiah.
- Good morning! A delightful morning, is it not? - Colonel.
I'm sorry.
You've missed breakfast, but I'll fix you some.
Don't trouble yourself, dear lady.
I shall just eat twice as much for lunch.
- Is my dear cousin about? - No.
He hasn't come back to camp yet.
Oh, well! I do so hope nothing happened to him.
I do hope he hasn't fallen off a cliff or been attacked by some ferocious, hungry beast.
Colonel, why hadn't you told us that you and Smith were cousins? Well, now, Professor, I guess I may as well confide in you.
The fact is, Zachary and I had a difference of opinion some years ago.
A trifling matter, but he never forgave me.
And I was reluctant to reveal our relationship until I was sure how he was gonna receive me.
That's understandable.
By the way, Colonel, Don and I are installing a new transistor unit in the spaceship.
We could use some help.
How I would so admire to give you assistance.
But unfortunately, my parachute drop yesterday agitated an old spinal injury.
Oh, really? Why, your cousin has back trouble too.
Yes.
Unfortunately it's an hereditary characteristic of the entire family.
- Of course.
- Well, I shall see you good people for lunch.
Fine.
Well, there, without a doubt, goes a true Smith.
Oh? How can you tell? How can I tell? By his violent aversion to work, that's how.
Ah, there.
Diligently applying yourself, I see, William.
- Hi, Colonel Smith.
- Don't let me disturb you from your efforts.
- Do you want to do some gardening? - Uh, no, thank you.
I prefer to be a spectator rather than a participant.
- It's sort of fun to help things grow.
- No doubt, no doubt.
Quaint too.
Very picturesque.
I'll bet you can't wait to talk to your cousin.
You are so right.
I look forward to our meeting with the greatest anticipa-- [ Muttering ] Anticipa-- pation.
[ Chuckles ] You sure are a lot like your cousin, sir.
Well, of course, we spent a great deal of time together as children.
Although I must confess I was always vastly the more intelligent of the two.
- [ Groans ] - I'm glad you're here now.
Dr.
Smith needs family around him.
Yes, he does, indeed.
And there are very few of us Smiths left, you know.
As a matter of fact, Zachary and I are the last of our illustrious line.
Oh, that's too bad.
But at least you still have each other.
So true.
- I have located Dr.
Smith.
- You have? Where is he? Take me to him at once.
I beg of you.
- Is he all right? - Dr.
Smith is physically sound.
But his mental attitude leaves much to be desired.
Oh, that poor, dear man.
I have arrived at just the opportune moment.
He really needs me.
Dr.
Smith takes the opposite view.
- I have been told to keep you away from him at all costs.
- What? - Are you sure that's what he said? - Positive.
I have computed Dr.
Smith's attitude toward his cousin.
It consists of suspicion, distrust contempt, repugnance and extreme fear.
Utter nonsense! Take me to him at once! I demand it! I insist! - My answer is negative.
- How dare you? How dare you? How dare he keep me from my cousin? Let me talk to the Robot, sir.
Maybe I can change his mind.
Very well, William.
You talk to him.
You go ahead and talk to him.
Underwear socks toothbrush vitamins - shaver-- - We are missing something very important.
Dr.
Smith specifically asked for it.
Hot-water bottle.
Good.
When Will brings the sandwiches and thermos bottle I will deliver the basket to Dr.
Smith.
I'll go see if they're ready.
Yo! Until I'd met you I always hated people more than anything.
Oh now, now.
What's the matter? Why the long face? Is something wrong? Everything is wrong.
That ridiculous Robot refuses to take me to my Cousin Zachary.
Oh.
Well, don't worry about it.
Dr.
Smith is just going through one of his difficult periods.
I understand, Mrs.
Robinson.
It's just knowing my beloved cousin is so near and yet beyond my reach.
Why don't you just sit down here and let me cut you a nice slice of this good cream pie.
Really, I couldn't.
My stomach is just too full up with despair.
Well, at least you differ from Dr.
Smith in that respect.
You know, I really think that cream pie is his favorite dessert.
- Is that a fact? - Mm-hmm.
Well, now.
If Muhammad cannot go to the mountain he gotta send somebody in his place.
- I beg your pardon? - Just an old family saying.
Mrs.
Robinson, how would you like to do me an inestimable favor? - What's that? - Would you let me have that pie? - But you just said you weren't hungry.
- Not for me.
For my cousin, as a token of the deep affection I hold for him.
Well, you most certainly can have it.
Words cannot express my gratitude.
I think I'm just gonna go and put a little message in it for him.
All right.
[ Humming ] Where are you, my little friend? There you are.
[ Chuckles ] Not yet, you fool.
We're gonna just tuck you under there.
Mmm! There we go.
To Cousin Smith from Cousin Smith with the compliments of Cousin Smith.
Hi, there.
I was afraid I had missed you.
- Well, we're leaving now, sir.
- And you are not allowed to come with us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
But surely there's nothing to prevent my sending my cousin a little present.
That's very nice of you, sir.
Well, b-basically I'm a very kindly man, William.
Beware of strangers bearing gifts.
Shut up, you! Who cares what you think? Now, just watch out that oaf don't drop my pie.
We'll be careful.
Is there anything you'd like me to tell Dr.
Smith for you? Well, no, thank you, William.
I believe my pie will eloquently express my true feelings.
All right.
Come on, Robot.
[ Exclaims ] [ Exclaims ] Now, ladies, we have here an ordinary deck of playing cards.
Let's just see if we can't teach them a few little tricks.
Watch closely.
Remember, the hand is quicker than the eye.
- Oh! - Oh, that's fantastic! - That's great! - [ Maureen ] Very good.
Oh! Where'd they go? Well now, I wonder where they did.
Let's see if we can find them.
Maybe we got one here? Oh, look at that! And another one for you.
Gee.
And one for Mrs.
Robinson.
- Why, that's marvelous.
- And one for me.
- The ace of spades.
- [ All Exclaiming ] What else can you do, Colonel Smith? Oh, now, my talents are very limited, Judy.
Why don't you show us the one where the dice come up seven every time? What? Well, now, I don't think that'd really interest your mother.
I have something else, however that might just amuse you.
I have here three little cones and a little red ball.
- Well, isn't that the old shell game, Jeremiah? - Yes, ma'am.
Oh, I always thought that was dishonest.
Oh, not the way I play it.
Round and round we go.
- And where is the little red ball? You tell me.
- The middle one.
Right you are.
I told you I was an amateur.
Now, Mrs.
Robinson, let's try it just once again.
And this time, Mrs.
Robinson, you tell me.
- Where is the little red ball? - Um, I think it's under that one.
And so it is.
Let's try once more.
And this time why don't we have a little wager, just to make things sporting, huh? Well, well.
What have we here, Colonel? Looks like that old childhood game-- button, button, who's got the button.
- Where do you think it is, Dad? - Yes.
Let's have the professor decide.
And whatever you decide, Professor, I'm gonna bet you're wrong.
You think so, huh? It's under the right-hand cone.
I saw it.
No, darling.
It's in his hand.
I saw it too.
Colonel? Aw, shucks.
Aw, you see? You can cheat some of the people some of the time-- And the rest of the people you gotta cheat some other time.
- [ All Laughing ] - Come on, now.
That's enough fun and games for now.
- Let's go have some dinner.
- That's all it was, Mrs.
Robinson.
Just a little fun and games.
Just a little fun and games.
Well, there you are, my mechanical friend.
Did you deliver my pie? As instructed, I presented it to Dr.
Smith.
Excellent, excellent! - And Dr.
Smith sent you back a message.
- Yes? - Here it is.
- Yes? [ Blows Raspberry ] He also sent you back this.
Feet, do your stuff! Well now, whatever in the world could be in here? Colonel Smith! Colonel Smith! What happened? Are you all right? I shall never be the same.
Where did the explosion come from? I have come close to being done in by a pie.
And this is all my Cousin Zachary's fault! His doing! You knew that pie was loaded! Now, he's done some strange things in his time, Colonel - but, uh, he's never resorted to violence before.
- Hmph! There is an explanation.
It all goes back to Great-aunt Maude Smith and started many, many long years ago.
Dr.
Smith never mentioned any of his relatives to me.
This information was revealed when Dr.
Smith was dictating his memoirs to me a few months ago.
Just who is Great-aunt Maude? She was the matriarch of the Smith clan-- rich, arrogant, untrustworthy-- a true Smith.
Yes, indeed.
That charming little old lady lived to be 110.
I thought she would never pass on to her just reward.
Her last will and testament provided that the sole surviving Smith would receive her entire fortune.
Millions.
Millions! - Sole surviving heir? - Mm-hmm.
Tell me something, Colonel.
Uh just how many members of the Smith family are still around? Unfortunately, the great dynasty of the Smith clan has dwindled down to a precious two! Oh, sure.
Smith's trying to get rid of his Cousin Jeremiah - so he can get Aunt Maude's millions.
- I don't believe it.
Dr.
Smith may be a lot of things, but he's not a murderer.
How little you know the real Dr.
Smith, William.
One thing still puzzles me.
Why did he run away? [ Stammering ] That was a trick.
Knowing my affection for him, he knew I'd follow.
So he thought when he got me alone, he'd-- No, no, no.
No.
Somehow this still doesn't add up.
And until it does, Colonel, I advise you to stay as far away from your cousin as you possibly can.
Oh, Professor.
[ Sobbing ] Forgive me, my friends, but you know the affection I've got for my cousin.
Zachary has bitten off a little bit more than he can chew.
[ Feeding Back ] Uh-- - Hello, there.
- [ Man ] Yeah.
Is Little Joe in his residence? Who is speaking? Would you please tell him that Colonel Jeremiah Smith would like the honor of a few words with him? - Yeah.
Just a minute.
- Thank you so much.
Now, Zachary, [ Chuckling ] have I got a present for you.
Have I got a little something to tickle your heart.
- [ Man #2 ] Yes? - Little Joe? - Yes.
- Well, this is Jeremiah Smith, Little Joe.
Where have you been? You owe me money, you bum! Now, never mind that.
I have got a deal, Little Joe.
Have I got a deal! I tell you, it's millions.
Millions! That's what you told me the last time.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
But this time we can't miss.
This guy is my own cousin, Little Joe.
And all you gotta do is send me a gambling machine.
Nothin' doin'.
I ain't interested.
But this is sure-fire.
It's money in the bank.
Let me-- Let me explain to you the setup.
- My cousin, see, he-- - Forget it, Smith.
And don't call me again.
I'm a busy man.
A golden opportunity, and that fool refuses to seize it.
Well, all right then.
If Little Joe ain't gonna help I'm just gonna have to find a way to eliminate Zachary by myself.
I'm gonna ask Dr.
Smith if he put a bomb in that pie.
He'll tell me the truth.
It is my opinion neither Dr.
Smith nor his cousin is overly honest.
Warning! Danger! Where? What is it? You may come from behind those rocks, Colonel Smith.
Big mouth! What are you doing here, sir? He has been following us since we left the campsite.
But we're going to see Dr.
Smith.
Wouldn't it be dangerous for you to meet him? Very true, William.
But my feelings for Zachary are stronger than my fears.
I have made a decision.
I have decided to renounce my claim to Auntie Maude's fortune.
Zachary can just have it all.
That's very nice of you.
My cousin's friendship means more to me than all the gold in the universe.
What did you do that for, sir? One never knows when some hidden danger may make its appearance, William.
It's best to be prepared.
I hope the same applies to Dr.
Smith.
Shall we be getting on? Oh, my feet.
My feet are killing me.
- I don't believe I can walk another step.
- It's not much farther.
- [ Groaning ] - Dr.
Smith has taken refuge in a cave just beyond those rocks ahead.
He has? So now, we finally gonna meet at last.
Well, I can hardly wait.
Dr.
Smith.
Dr.
Smith.
You have visitors.
Shut up, you idiot! You wanna ruin everything? Your dear Cousin Jeremiah is here! There he is now.
- Cousin? - Jeremiah! - So now I got you! - Please don't! Don't, don't, Jeremiah! Jeremiah, please don't! Jeremiah! Adieu, Cousin! [ Laughing ] Well, that was no accident.
Jeremiah was lucky to have escaped with his life.
Two grown men acting like kids.
You know, having one Smith around is bad enough.
But having two-- - That could make life impossible.
- Oh, you can say that again.
Every time a door opens, I'm afraid it's gonna explode.
You know, John, I've got a suggestion.
- Why don't we let them do what they want to do? - What? Sure.
Why not? The world is full of Smiths.
Two less won't be noticed.
Now, this whole thing's ridiculous.
Where's Jeremiah now? He's in Smith's quarters, licking his wounds.
- All right.
Let's get him out here.
- What have you got in mind? Well, Aunt Maudie's will has kept the Smiths divided long enough.
It's about time we did something to resolve that situation.
Professor Robinson, you are leading me to my grave.
Who knows what that fiendish cousin of mine might be planning on next, huh? We are going to bury the hatchet.
A peaceful solution has already been attempted.
As I remember, there were ten of us cousins alive at that time.
- Oh? What happened? - What happened? I can only tell you it made the St.
Valentine's Day Massacre look like a tea party.
Now, you'd better let me do all the talking.
- He may not want to come out if he knows you're with me.
- This is a mistake, my friend.
Dr.
Smith? It's Professor Robinson.
- Come on out.
I want to speak with you.
- Are you sure it's safe? Absolutely! We must stand guard against that monster! [ Screams ] He's here! - There's no danger.
- How little you know.
Now, stop it! We're going to have a conference, a peace conference.
- Your cousin has agreed.
- I told you he's gonna be unreasonable.
Very well, Professor.
You may release me.
So, Jeremiah, at long last - we stand face-to-face.
- That's right.
You've put on a little weight, haven't you, cuz? - Lot of gray hair too.
- And you, dear cuz have never been a prize package.
You have aged considerably.
Now, we can dispense with the exchange of compliments, gentlemen.
We're here to discuss Great-aunt Maude's will.
She always meant to leave her fortune to me.
That's a lie! I was always her favorite nephew.
She always meant to leave her money to me.
After all - who was at her bedside at the end? - You were.
You were.
The old lady'd still be alive if it weren't for you.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there weren't a little foul play involved.
Are you accusing me? You gave her the medicine, remember? And right after that, she had the relapse.
The coroner's inquest found me innocent! A foul miscarriage of justice.
I've known you were guilty for years.
Assassin! Murderer! Monster! You take that back or I'll take you apart.
I thrashed you when we were youngsters, and I can do it again! I bloodied your nose, and I can do that again! [ All Shouting ] A life of ease.
Millions to do with as I please.
Wine, women song and all that stands in my way is one puny Smith.
If only Little Joe would help me.
He gotta help me.
He just gotta! - Yeah? - Little Joe, it's me.
Jeremiah Smith.
So it's you again! Now, don't hang up, Little Joe.
You just gotta listen to me.
Okay.
What's the caper? Oh, you always was a real gentleman, Little Joe.
Never mind the buttering-up job.
Get to the point.
Yeah.
Sure, sure, sure.
Well, now, here's the thing.
I am due to inherit a great deal of money.
Unfortunately, however, my cousin is an obstacle.
You know the gamblers' union doesn't allow us to knock anybody off.
Unless he refuses to pay off on an honest gambling debt.
That's a different situation.
Besides, your cousin doesn't owe me anything.
But he will.
He will, Little Joe.
All you gotta do is send down a gambling machine because Zachary is a compulsive gambler.
That means he can't help himself.
Keep talking.
Well, he plays the machine, he loses he can't pay, you eliminate him I inherit Auntie Maudie's fortune, and I take care of you.
Sounds all right.
But I'm warning you, Smith.
This had better work.
This one just can't miss.
I'm telling you.
Okay.
The machine is on its way.
In a short while, Auntie Maudie's fortune is gonna be mine.
A life of ease.
Millions to do with as I please.
And all that stands in my way is one rather puny Smith.
Well, Zachary what do you plan to do about it? Think! Apply your brilliant brain to the problem.
[ Little Joe's Voice ] Place your bets.
Place your bets, gentlemen.
- I must be hearing things.
- Place your bets.
Place your bets, gentlemen.
Place your bets, gentlemen.
You may be a lucky winner.
- [ Machine Beeps ] - A winner! A winner! [ Chuckling ] Why, hi there, cuz.
Hmm.
I feel eight.
Eight is the number I feel coming up.
Yes, sir.
That's what I'm gonna play.
Man bets on eight! The gentleman wins again.
[ Chuckling ] Jeremiah, can I play too? Why, sure.
Just sit right down, make yourself comfortable.
But I don't have any money.
Oh, well, your credit's good.
It is? Oh, lovely.
Now, what number shall I bet on? Let me see.
There are 180 days until Christmas divided by 12, the number of months in the year multiplied by the time of day, and subtract 100.
Yes! That is the winning number! Number nine.
The gentleman wins! The house loses.
- [ Shrieks ] - Zachary, this is our lucky day.
I think you're right, Jeremiah.
I can feel it in my bones.
I think I shall play number six this time.
Number six, number six.
I feel you are right.
I'm gonna play number six likewise.
Splendid.
What are we waiting for? Number six! The gentleman wins.
The house loses! - [ Shrieks ] - Yes, sir! - [ Gasps ] - There you go, Cousin.
I'm rich, rich, rich, rich, rich.
[ Chuckling ] I told you you would be.
- [ Sighs ] - Money, money, money, money.
Gets to be kinda hard work winning all this money, doesn't it? Oh, money, money, money, money, money.
It's all lovely.
I love all this money, money, money, money, money.
You lose.
Well, now, how about that? We lost.
- It's kinda nice, for just variety.
- I don't like it.
Well, we won't lose much-- I don't suppose.
We had better not, Jeremiah.
I've become quite accustomed to all of this lovely, lovely money.
The gentlemen lose again! Again? I just can't understand that.
Oh, I need a number.
I need a good number.
A number seven.
- Seven, Jeremiah.
What do you think of seven? - Yes, seven's fine.
- You go on and play seven.
- I'm sorry, gentlemen.
You reached the end of your credit.
No! One more time.
You've got to give us a chance to get even.
Just once more.
That's all we ask.
House rules, gentlemen.
No more credit.
- I have a wristwatch.
Will you take a wristwatch? - This is not a pawn shop.
- Have you anything else of value? - No, I don't.
Yes, I do.
I'm part owner of a spaceship.
It's worth a fortune.
I accept your wager.
Make your bet.
Oh, dear dear, machine, be good to me.
I need a number, a really good number, a very good number.
- Number five! Number five! - That's good.
- Another loser! - [ Shrieks ] - We are wiped out.
- Now, we got to go on playing, Cousin.
You know that.
I have a feeling we're gonna win.
I tell you what.
We play our inheritance.
We bet the money Auntie Maude left us.
That's brilliant, Jeremiah.
It's a brilliant idea.
We'll have twice as much money! Why, sure.
You pick the number.
No, it's your turn.
Besides, you were always the lucky one.
How does 0-0-7 strike you? Yes.
Absolutely perfect.
- The number is 0-0-7.
- You pull the lever.
No, I just couldn't, Cousin.
I'm completely exhausted.
- We'll pull it together.
- Splendid.
And we have another loser.
[ Screams ] Cousin, we are ruined.
Gone.
All gone.
I can't believe it.
- Do you wish to continue playing, gentlemen? - Oh, no, no.
We have had it.
- Then you must settle your account.
- Oh.
I'm afraid you'll have to wait just for a little while.
You see, we do not get Aunt Maude's money until only one Smith is left.
- And that will be a long time from now.
- That's right.
- There's still two of us, and we're both healthy.
- Oh, very healthy.
Wha-Wha-Wha-What are you doing? Since I cannot collect my money while both of you are alive one of you must be eliminated.
Y-Y-Yeah, but not me! Him! - We made a deal, remember? - Jeremiah, you're a beast.
You call Little Joe.
He'll explain.
[ Stammering ] - [ Shouts ] - No! Don't leave me! - [ Gasps ] - Then I shall eliminate you! No, no, no, no.
I'll pay, I'll pay.
Just spare me, please.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Jeremiah.
Jeremiah, I'm stuck.
- You're stuck! You're stuck! - Pull! Jeremiah, pull! Jeremiah, I'll pay you back if it's the last thing I do! You beast! Oh! - I'll pay you back for this, Jeremiah.
- Get out of my way! [ Both Shouting ] Hurry up, Jeremiah! That infernal thing will catch us! [ Shouts ] - Where do you think you're going? - There's no time for explanations.
We're all in deadly danger.
- Do you mind explaining what this is all about? - The machine is coming! - We're all gonna be destroyed! - What machine? - We must arm ourselves! - Look, I'm still waiting for an explanation.
We're innocent.
Victims of a mechanical thief.
That diabolical monster has cheated us of our inheritance! - And now it wants to kill one of us so it can be paid off.
- I demand to be paid! Come forward or I'll destroy the spaceship! - And it can do it too! - Why don't you go out there and just give yourself up, Zachary.
- Then the rest of us could survive.
- You got me into this.
- You make the sacrifice.
- You coward! We're all going out, gentlemen! Well, wait till I get my coat on anyway, so I can die with a little dignity.
All right, gentlemen.
For the last time, I warn you-- Pay me! One of you must be destroyed! I'm too young to die.
My whole life is ahead of me.
- I'm younger than he is, and I've got more to live for.
- Liar! He's the eldest.
You have gambled and lost.
Now I want to collect.
We'll pay, we'll pay, but you must give us some more time.
That's right, until one of us inherits Auntie Maude's fortune.
Now I understand.
Dr.
Smith has also gambled and lost his portion of the spaceship.
His portion of it is now mine.
Forgive me, Professor.
I didn't know what I was doing.
- Which Smith shall I eliminate? - [ Both ] Him! Just a minute.
How about giving them a chance to get even? They have nothing left to wager.
Well, there must be some other way to resolve this.
I am not programmed to resolve anything.
Only to gamble forcibly collect, or destroy those refusing to pay up.
All right.
Would you be willing to gamble against me? All right.
Would you be willing to gamble against me? Your friendly universal gambling machine is always ready to accept any kind of action.
What is your wager? I'll put up the rest of the spaceship to cover their losses.
- [ Maureen ] Oh, John! - The bet is acceptable to me.
Select your number, sir, and pull the lever.
I don't think I care for those odds-- playing against a computer at its own game.
Perhaps this time we'll try my game.
Nothing was said of this in your wager.
You said you'd take any kind of action.
And you do want to get paid, don't you? Well, very well.
What gambling game shall we play? I'll get it.
John you're not going to risk gambling away the spaceship, are you? I can't let the machine kill Jeremiah or Smith, can I? [ Sighs ] But-- - Well, what are you going to do? - I've got to find it first.
Ah, here we are.
Now, it's really very simple.
I have in my right hand three cups.
In my left, a little ball.
I'm going to place the little ball under one of the cups.
All you've got to do is tell me where it is.
- Seems easy enough.
- All right.
Watch my hands closely.
- Suppose we lose? - Oh, shut up and think good thoughts.
All right.
Take your pick.
- The ball rests under the center cup.
- Are you sure? - That is my decision.
- Well, let's find out.
Oh! We're saved! Saved! - Cousin! - Oh! - [ Gasps ] - [ Sighs ] Well, I've just been through one of the most awful moments of my life.
- Well, all of living is a gamble, Maureen.
- Oh.
Oh, Professor Robinson, you were wonderful.
I had no idea you were so skillful at the games of chance.
Well, I'm not.
I went to school with a boy whose father owned a carnival.
- He taught me how to work the shells.
- Tell me, Professor.
Where is that little old red ball, hmm? - Where do you think it is? - This end.
Saw you put it there.
Well, let's find out.
- [ Wheezing Chuckle ] - Ohh! Then it must be under the last one.
Of course it's under the last one.
Where else would it be? I don't believe it.
I don't believe there was any ball under any shell.
How dare you make such an accusation against me, sir.
He's right.
You cheated.
- You say I did.
I say I didn't.
- [ Wheezing Laughter ] Let's leave it at that.
Well, Cousin, I certainly got us out of that one, didn't I? Darling? Yes? Was the little ball really under the last cup? Maureen, there are some things that a man must keep to himself.
That's one of them.
Lunch is ready.
Help! Help! [ Shouting ] Oh, I never thought I'd make it! You may thank your lucky stars I survived.
- It was awful! - What was awful? Space monsters out there.
Positively dreadful.
I escaped only with the skin of my teeth.
Oh, my favorite comestible.
How thoughtful.
Space ragout with mushrooms.
It appears to me, sir, that you deliberately moved that platter out of my reach.
It appears to me that you were sent to bring in a cart of cobalt ore for the rocket tubes.
- Now, where is it? - I told you, there were space monsters out there.
Correction.
There were no space monsters.
I was observing Dr.
Smith.
He was sleeping.
He did no work.
I'll attend to you later, you infamous informer.
Very well, Professor.
There were no space monsters.
I merely decided that the menial task of grubbing up ore was beneath my dignity.
- Now, please.
I'm famished.
- No.
You'll eat after you grub up that ore.
[ Maureen ] Oh, John, can't it wait? It's his favorite and I fixed it especially for him.
No, darling.
It's about time that the good doctor developed a sense of responsibility.
Very well, Professor.
I accept your ultimatum.
Rather than turn myself into a beast of burden - I shall die of starvation.
- Hah! No, no.
Don't try to dissuade me.
The die is cast.
As of this very moment, I'm on a hunger strike to the bitter end.
But before I begin, you surely wouldn't begrudge me just one little crust of bread, would you? Go get the ore.
Just you wait.
Oh! A man of my quality being forced into hard labor! - Indeed! - Dr.
Smith! - I brought you my dessert.
- Oh, bless you, my boy.
Bless you.
Ah! Mmm! Lovely.
Delicious.
You could have brought some coffee, too, you know.
- [ Whooshing ] - It's some kind of spaceship! [ Shouting ] They're bombing us! - Over there! - We're being invaded!