Lost In Space (1965) s02e11 Episode Script

West of Mars

[ Man Narrating .]
Last week, as you recall, we left an angry Dr.
Smith working at enforced labor, unaware that both he and Will Robinson were soon to be spirited off to a distant planet on the far western frontier of outer space.
Oh! A man of my quality being forced into hard labor, indeed.
Smith! I brought you my dessert.
Oh, bless you, my boy.
Bless you.
Mmm! Lovely.
You could have brought some coffee, too, you know.
- [ Spaceship Approaching .]
- It's some kind of spaceship! Oh! They're bombing us! Oh! - Dr Smith! - We're being invaded! It's the end of us! Our little planet is doomed! Perhaps the whole universe! [ Male Voice .]
Now, hear this! Now, hear this! Hear this, Zeno.
This is Space Enforcer Claudius.
I know that you fled to this planet and I have zeroed in on your hiding place.
I am coming in for a landing near you.
Surrender, and I guarantee you a fair trial.
Refuse, and you die.
Remember the reward for your capture is the same be you alive or be you dead.
Your days as a superswift are over, Zeno.
- Careful.
Careful, Will.
- Yes, sir.
What's a superswift, Dr.
Smith? A superswift is one who can draw and fire his space weapon in the blinking of an eye.
No ordinary man can stand up against him.
We are doomed! Why should this Zeno want to hurt us? A superswift doesn't need a reason to kill.
He kills for fame and glory, and that's the worst kind of a killer.
To think that I must die to perpetuate the reputation of an arch annihilator like Zeno.
Well, he hasn't killed you yet.
Let's get back to the Jupiter.
It's useless, my boy.
Utterly useless.
I can hear the flutter of black wings.
Even now, I can feel Zeno's cold breath blowing down my neck.
Come along, my boy.
Let's go back to the safety of the spaceship.
[ Groans .]
Oh! The pity of it.
The loss to humanity.
My life sacrificed to the vainglory of a superswift.
Smith, why is it that when you're scared you run for a while and then you give up? If you don't want to get killed, why don't you get out of here? Because, my dear boy, when death is inevitable why go to the added exertion of prolonged flight? If Zeno wants to kill me, let him come to me! [ Spaceship Approaching .]
The Space Enforcer has landed! Thank heavens we're saved.
Come along, my boy.
Let us greet him.
Inasmuch as we were here first and if we help to catch him I see no reason whatsoever why we shouldn't share in the reward.
- Do you, William? - Dr.
Smith, Zeno isn't even captured yet.
Never fear, Smith is here.
Zeno is as good as hanged.
- [ Gasps .]
- Dr.
Smith, I presume.
Zeno? So you've heard of me, have you, Dr.
Smith? Of course I have.
Who hasn't heard of the great, the illustrious Zeno the peerless, fearless noble knight errant of outer space? I'm a knight errant, am I, Dr.
Smith? Whatever that means.
It means that I hold you in the highest esteem.
It means that I have long admired you.
How is it that you know my name, sir? That's what the kid called you after you suggested that you horn in on the reward for capturing Zeno.
Let me assure you, sir, that that was merely-- Please.
Please, don't look at me like that.
I got plans for you, pussycat.
What plans? Take a look at me, Dr.
Take a good look.
Good heavens.
It's incredible.
It's fantastic! You look almost like me.
I look exactly like you.
Now, can you guess what plans I've got for you? We're gonna change clothes.
You're gonna be Zeno, and I'm gonna be Dr.
- Like the idea? - Decidedly not! Why not, pussycat? Don't you admire Zeno? You don't want to see him hanged by the neck until he turns a deep purple in the face, do you? Please, uh, let us not discuss hanging.
Let me assure you.
You need have no fear whatsoever on that subject.
In fact, I've decided to let you go.
Start undressing, pussycat.
[ Will .]
Smith, where are you? Can't we go look for Dr.
Smith? Zeno must have captured him.
Now don't you worry none, son.
If Zeno kills your friend it'll go hard on him-- I promise you.
I understand that, sir, but that's not gonna do Dr.
Smith any good.
- Can't you do something? - Why, of course.
Now, hear-- [ Feedback .]
One, two, three, testing.
Now, hear this, Zeno.
Hear this.
I'm givin' you just 25 minutes to give yourself up or I'm comin' after you.
Twenty-five-- Why 25 minutes? Well, I gotta finish my story.
Like I was sayin' by the time I got through with Mephisto I'd wiped out every outlaw in that entire planet.
How'd you wipe them out? By waiting for them to give themselves up? Now take this gun and be careful.
It's got a very delicate trigger.
- I wouldn't touch it.
I'm not a murderer.
- Neither am I.
I never killed anyone that didn't try to kill me first.
Mostly ambitious amateurs jealous of my reputation.
Take it.
I tell ya, being a superswift ain't a career I'd pick out for a kid of mine - if I had one.
- Then why did you pursue that career? I don't know.
I guess it sorta gets into your blood.
Well, it's not in my blood, I can tell you.
I positively refuse to go on with this absurd charade.
You do like I told you.
What with a trial and appeals you'll probably live a couple more weeks.
Or would you rather I cauterized your giblets right here and now? Well, any alternative is better than none.
Now you walk up to that Enforcer and you surrender nice and peaceful.
And, remember, if you don't make him think you're Zeno I'll have you covered and zap! Didn't you tell me you never shot a man in the back? Never have.
But I'll make an exception in your case.
Do me a favor, will you, pussycat? When they hang you, keep your chin up high.
I want the folks back home to think Zeno died like a man.
Now, get! - Mr.
Enforcer? Mr.
Enforcer? - Here comes someone.
And it isn't Dr.
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
I surrender.
But that is Dr.
Smith's voice.
It's Zeno's voice.
I've heard it before.
I surrender! That is Dr.
Where'd you get the clothes, Dr.
Smith? I'm not Dr.
Smith, you little dumbbell.
I'm Zeno.
I confess.
I confess to everything.
I surrender.
- Now, please get me into that spaceship.
- You confess all 25 killings? - You heard him confess, didn't you, Will? - Yeah.
- But I don't understand.
He looks like-- - Never mind.
Come on! - Me first.
Me first.
- What are you arresting me for? I'm holding you as a material witness to Zeno's confession.
- Now, come on.
Get in there.
- My folks'll worry.
- You're gonna have to let me go! - Now, come on.
Get in there.
But I tell you-- I'm not Zeno.
I'm Dr.
Zachary Smith, a man of science.
You're Zeno all right.
You've made a science out of cold-blooded murder.
I am not a murderer.
I never killed anyone who didn't try to kill me first.
That is, I mean to say Zeno didn't.
- I never killed anyone for any reason.
- Warrant says you did.
Oh, bother your warrant! Besides, I have a witness to your confession.
But I explained that I confessed only because Zeno was holding a pistol on me.
Will, tell him who I am.
Speak up, dear boy.
Tell him.
- I wish I knew.
- What do you mean, you wish you knew? I know your name, don't I? Would Zeno know your name? You only called me Will after you heard the Enforcer call me that.
When you came to the spaceship, you just called me a little dumbbell.
And that's what you are-- a little dumbbell! After all the time we've known each other! Oh, forgive me, Will.
I'm sorry.
Now, please, please take a good look at me and tell the Enforcer who I am.
I don't know.
I'm confused.
Look at that.
Well, that's a doppelgänger.
A double.
Haven't you ever heard of a double? That's what Zeno is to me.
Don't listen to him, son.
He's Zeno all right.
- I never make a mistake.
- [ Dr.
Smith .]
Oh, you don't, eh? Well, Zeno happens to be an uneducated ruffian.
He says "ain't" and uses other vulgar forms of speech.
- Whereas I-- - Whereas you use such vulgar forms of speech as "dumbbell.
" Anyway, you're not fooling me, Zeno.
I happen to know that you can use good grammar when you want to.
Is Zeno a physicist? Is he a mathematician? Could he explain to you the difference between integral and differential calculus? Well, I can! I'm sure you can, Zeno, because I also happen to know that you were a brilliant mathematician before you went wrong.
What made you take up killing as a profession, Zeno? Oh, I don't know.
I guess it sorta gets into your blood.
Oh, no! No, you're making a terrible mistake! Please, Mr.
Enforcer, you promised you'd send a message to my folks.
Now that we're on course, I'll take care of it immediately, son.
Just when will you return me to my parents, sir? Probably never.
Oh, the pain.
The pain.
Will! Smith? John, look at this.
You don't suppose Smith was right about-- No, he must have invented those space monsters.
Of course he did.
But the scanner showed that something landed last night.
Yeah, but it could have been a meteor.
[ Whirring .]
Oh, it's you.
It is I.
We can see that.
What do you want? I relay a message received from Space Enforcer Claudius - en route to his home planet.
- What about it? He has Will in custody.
He has Will? Well, why? As a material witness against Zeno, notorious space killer.
He promised to return Will after the trial and execution of Zeno.
What could Will have witnessed? That doesn't make sense.
It does not make sense.
Didn't the Enforcer give you any details? Negative.
Maybe Smith knows something.
Was he mentioned in the message? Negative.
- Then he must still be on this planet.
- Affirmative.
He probably panicked and got himself lost.
Well, since you're here, you might as well join the search.
- Now, cover this area.
I'll go up to the drill site.
- Right.
I do not wish to find Dr.
He insults me.
Well, neither do I, but he's our only link to finding Will.
Very well.
I think that's Cassiopeia.
I'll check it out here.
Turn left at, uh, Sagittarius there.
Right on course, are we? Tell me, Enforcer Claudius, how much fuel do we have aboard? My fuel supply is practically inexhaustible.
This ship is equipped with super-atomic Oraxiam overdrive.
Then you should have no trouble at all reaching Earth - should you, sir? - Earth? The third planet from this sun.
That planet's off-limits to me.
It's outside the galactic federation which I serve.
Nevertheless, it is a fascinating planet.
I have considerable influence there, not to mention affluence.
I understand you once made an illegal visit to that planet, Zeno.
It'll be held against you at the trial.
Why must there be a trial, sir? Now, let me see.
The reward for Zeno's capture is 10,000 space credits, is it not? Suppose I were to offer you the equivalent of 20,000 space credits? He's trying to bribe me.
You're a witness, son.
That's a supercrime.
Why, that's even worse than murder accordin' to the galactic code.
This will go hard on you, Zeno.
Even if I were Zeno, how could you make things harder on me than by hanging me? Those proven guilty of attempted bribery are thrown into a pit of space vipers.
Space vipers.
[ Groaning .]
[ Groaning .]
At long last I have found you, Dr.
Hi, pussycat.
What you doin' so far from the junk pile? I was searching for you, and I have found you.
Yeah, you said that.
That does not compute.
What does not compute? You do not compute.
Smith does not smoke.
[ Coughs .]
Stop that! You're fogging my sensors.
I thought it might help you to compute a little better.
Now, what else? Dr.
Smith does not bear arms.
- You are wearing a pistol.
- I found it out near Black Rock Canyon.
I put it on for self-protection.
That does not compute either.
Smith is afraid of firearms.
Now, look, you silly-looking bucket of bolts.
Quit arguing and point me towards home.
I'm lost.
This trail is well marked.
Even Dr.
Smith would not be lost.
I must warn the others there is a dangerous alien among us.
I don't think you'd better do that, pussycat.
That will do you no good.
I am not programmed for fear.
But you are programmed for survival, ain't you? - Affirmative.
- All right.
Then let me put it this way.
Maybe I can't scare you but I can carve you up with this dingus like so much old boiler plate after which I'll rip out your wires smash your transformer and vaporize your electrodes.
What's left, I'll melt down into beer cans.
- Does that compute, pussycat? - It computes.
You know, you're right about there being something peculiar about me.
It's all coming back to me now.
I got separated from Will Robinson and then I encountered this superswift.
His name is Zeno.
He is in the custody of the Space Enforcer.
I hope they hang him.
He hit me on the head with his pistol, and everything went black.
I'm still a little fuzzy-minded.
Now tell me about all the others on this planet so's I'll remember 'em when I meet 'em again.
The real Dr.
Smith is a coward, a shirker and a liar.
I know all about myself.
Tell me about the others.
The real Dr.
Smith would have that information.
Must I get ugly with you, pussycat? Negative.
This planet is inhabited by Professor John Robinson his wife Maureen, his daughters Judy and Penny and his son Will.
And your sisters are Judy and Penny, and our pilot is Major Don West.
- Now, if I were Zeno, would I know that? - Well, you might if you forced the real Dr.
Smith to give you that information when you held him prisoner back there.
But I tell you-- it was he who held me prisoner.
He forced me to change clothes.
Don't you believe me? Well, the Space Enforcer doesn't, and he's an experienced law officer.
He says whenever you're caught, you come up with some fantastic lie.
It's no use.
I'm doomed to walk the last mile-- to die a dreadful death at the end of a rope in a pit of space vipers all on the testimony of a child I have cherished and loved.
Yes, even defended with my own life.
Gosh, I don't know what to do.
The Space Enforcer said I had to tell the court what I heard you say.
And I did hear you confess, you know.
- You can lie a little, can't you? - I heard that, Zeno.
- Corrupting a minor.
That's another supercrime.
- And what's the penalty for that? - Boiling in oil? - Correct.
Don't tell me you're making a landing so soon.
I shall not allow it.
You must let me radio ahead for legal counsel to represent me at the trial.
I just received a directive from headquarters.
Inasmuch as I have a witness to your confession, there will be no trial.
No trial? - Here we are now.
- Oh, no, you don't! This isn't fair! - I'm an innocent man.
- Watch that! - Stop that! You'll crash the ship! - I'm sorry! I'm too young to die! Will, help me! I'm dead! I'm dead.
I'm dead.
I'm dead.
[ Groans .]
Death is such a lonesome place.
So dark and cold and lonesome.
Oh, dear.
Never to see the light, never to hear music.
It wouldn't be so dark if you'd uncover your eyes.
And you're not dead.
You don't even look like you're hurt very bad.
We might both be dead.
Think about that, William.
That's just plain silly.
You know, you just might be Dr.
- That's the way he talks.
- That's what I've been trying to tell you-- that I am Dr.
What have we here? Cold as the ice caps of Pluto.
How fortunate.
Let us get hence, my boy.
You mean you're going to escape? Wouldn't that be committing another supercrime? What of it? How many times do you suppose they can hang me boil me in oil, and throw me into a pit of space vipers? Well, are you coming? Well, if you really are Zeno and I go with you, then I'll be a criminal too.
Well, I'm not Zeno.
But my life is at stake and every moment I spend on this planet doubles the jeopardy.
Now, come along, my boy.
Let us go out and survey the damage to this vehicle.
This is a cruel land fraught with danger.
Well, William, what do you think? Do you think she'll fly again? Well, she's dented and banged up a little but I don't see why she shouldn't lift off.
We'll tie the Enforcer up and then run for home.
[ Gunshot .]
[ Smith .]
Reward seekers, greedy for blood money.
We must flee for our lives.
We're trapped.
The end is near.
Zeno! Don't shoot, Zeno! Please, don't shoot.
Please don't kill us, Zeno.
We wouldn't inform on you.
We're your friends.
They're scared to death.
- Scat! - Scat.
Well, there you are, my boy.
No one will dare to touch you when you're with the great Zeno.
This is gonna go hard on you, Zeno.
Okay, sister, I'll see your bid and elevate you ten fire sticks.
- What does that mean? - It means you've got to put ten more fire sticks into the purse.
Four asteroids.
Four galaxies.
Who taught you to play this game, sister? - You did.
- Yeah.
- It's my distribution.
- Warning! Warning! He is distributing from the bottom of the deck.
Is that bad? Distributing from the bottom of the deck? Not in galactic poker, it ain't.
Buzz off, you pile of junk before I take the tin snips after you.
Penny, I thought you were going to help with the dinner dishes.
Oh, well, um, Dr.
Smith was just teaching me to play galactic poker.
It'll round out the kid's education.
Well, why don't you run along? Go on in and do them.
- And take those in with you, will you? - Okay, Mom.
- ## [ Honky-tonk .]
- He's back! He's back! Zeno's back! Zeno's back! I saw him! He just arrived in the Enforcer's spaceship.
Zeno's back! Zeno's back! Zeno's back? Where is he? Where? Where? There! Gosh, Dr.
You aren't afraid of anything anymore.
I never was, kid.
I never was.
And knock off calling me Dr.
The name is Zeno.
Ah, free lunch.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
Well? What are you staring at? [ Chuckling Nervously .]
Nothing, Zeno.
Nothing at all.
Yes, sir, Zeno.
What'll you have, Zeno? - The usual.
- Yes, sir.
Right away.
"Ichor of the Seven-headed Dragon of Pluto.
" "Essence of Space Viper Venom.
" "Elixir of the Purple Draconian Spider.
" "Powder Tooth of the Triple-tailed Taurian Bandersnatch.
" Stand back, everybody.
Oh! There you are, Zeno.
Only Zeno could've downed that.
I am Zeno, the Kid from Cassiopeia.
I was whelped by a space wolf and raised by a she-tiger in a den of Centurion crocodiles.
I can outfight, outwrestle and outshoot any galoot in the galaxy.
I can run faster, jump higher and spit farther than any space maverick on the premises.
Wherever I go, men tremble at my glance and fair maidens swoon at the sight of me.
I am Zeno the most fearless superswift in the cosmos.
- Well? - [ Chuckles .]
Nobody's arguing.
Yeah! Hi, Judy, baby.
Smith, I wish you'd stop looking at me like that.
I was thinking what a feasible facial structure you have, Judy, baby.
- Whatever that means.
- What I mean is I once saw the Temple of Aphrodite on the planet Apollo.
Compared to you-- I wish you'd go away.
You've been acting very strange lately, Dr.
The moonlight brings out the best in me.
And there'll be two great big moons tonight.
Hello, Major.
How aromatic.
How delicate.
How dainty.
See you around, pussycat.
Pussycat? And there I was, surrounded by a whole tribe of Mescalero aborigines painted up like Easter eggs and armed to the teeth with space arrows.
They rushed at me from all sides with bloodcurdling cries.
I waited until I could see the pupils of their eyes, and then-- And then what did you do, Mr.
Zeno? Then I pulled out old Elizabeth and-- Zap, zap, zap, zap, zap, zap, zap! Ah.
Merely a dry run.
As you were, everybody.
I'd sure like to be a superswift like you.
Take my word for it, boy.
It's a hard life.
You never know when some kid jealous of your reputation will sneak up behind you, and zap! Has any of 'em ever zapped you? Not yet, but there's a circle on the barrel of my gat - for everyone that tried.
- Oh.
Well, I don't think I'd like that part of it too much.
- I guess I'm just not cut out to be a superswift.
- Few of us are.
I am Pleiades Pete, the scourge of outer space.
I'm the swiftest superswift that ever blasted up a whole galaxy.
Killed my first man while a babe in arms.
Born mean! And my disposition ain't changed none whatsoever over the years.
I just arrived on your miserable pimple of a planet and I'm spoilin' for action.
I ain't killed anybody in a dog's age and I am in a mean mood! Now, which one of you gentlemen craves the honor of engaging me in fair combat? Which, after I kill him I'll buy libations for all the survivors.
Well, ain't nobody gonna defend the honor of this planet? Ain't none of you got any civic pride? There's your man.
[ Laughing .]
That pink-livered, puerile, pusillanimous pip-squeak? Why, where I come from, we place critters like him on two slices of bread and eat 'em for sandwiches.
You better be careful, Mr.
Pleiades Pete looks kind of dangerous.
Obviously, he doesn't know my name.
Scat! - Do you know who I am, mister? - No.
But I just got through telling you what you are.
- I am Zeno.
- Who? Zeno! Z-E-N-O.
Well, that's what I thought you said.
So you're Zeno.
- So what? - My dear sir it's obvious you do not understand the peril you're in.
You see, Zeno is-- Tell him who Zeno is, William.
Zeno was the most fearless superswift in the entire galaxy.
Up to now.
Suppose you show him who you are, Zeno? Yeah.
- Suppose you show me? - My dear friend I am positive that whatever differences exist between us can be adjudicated in a civilized manner.
Stow it.
Now we draw our weapons on countdown, back to back.
Ten, nine eight, seven-- - Six.
- Six, five four, three two, one! [ Groaning .]
- Dr.
Smith, help me up here.
- What? Certainly not! What are you doing? These seem to be some kind of electronically powered animals.
- We can get away on them.
- Oh, fine.
Come along.
What kind of fancy fightin' was that? I was fouled! He didn't wait till I counted to zero! And not only that, but he destroyed the sacred golden globe of Bacchus! - Yeah! - It's sacrilege! - How do we get them to move? - Well, there must be some controls on him.
- Try the ear.
- Well, it doesn't work! [ Will .]
Well, maybe the-- Get him, men! - Which way did they go? - They went thataway! After 'em, men! Come on! Hurry up! Will, don't lag! Oh, dear! Wait for me! - Do you think you can drive this thing, Will? - I'm pretty sure I can.
But wouldn't that be another supercrime, stealing a Space Enforcer's ship? If I stay here, I'll be hanged, boiled in oil and thrown into a pit of space vipers.
Blast off, I tell you! There she g-g-goes! That'll go hard on you, Zeno! Give me the keys to your spacecraft.
I'm going after him.
Watch it.
It slips a little in second stage.
Out of my way! Watch it! Reach for the sky, or I'll blast you.
You wouldn't blast an unarmed robot, would you? Just havin' some fun.
Beat it, pussycat.
- Smith, how about giving us a hand? - Sorry.
Never mind being sorry.
Just waltz that ore cart over to the smelter.
Not in my line.
Oh? Just what is your line, you senile delinquent? What did you call me? A senile delinquent.
- Any objections? - Yeah.
Just this.
- Smith, you're gonna get it.
- One more step and I'll blast you.
What's the idea of drawing a gun? Did I pull a gun on my old friend, the major? What could have come over me? That's what I'd like to know.
It seems I haven't fully recovered from the concussion I suffered at the hands of that dreadful Zeno.
Will you forgive me, dear boy? Oh, beat it, Smith.
You make me sick.
Very well, dear boy.
- How do you figure that? - Who knows? Well, the way he talked, the way he pulled that gun.
All of a sudden, I had a feeling it wasn't even Smith at all.
Well, maybe you're right.
On the other hand, he might have a concussion.
- Either way, he got out of work, didn't he? - Yeah.
That he did.
William, there is something I wish to discuss with you.
- What is it, Mr.
Zeno? - That is the very thing I wish to discuss with you.
You see, I am not really Zeno after all.
We're not gonna start that again, are we, Mr.
Zeno? This is of vital importance, my boy.
Now listen carefully.
When we get home, there will be a person there pretending to be Dr.
But he is not Dr.
I am Dr.
He is Zeno-- What's this? A spaceship on the port bow? It must be the Enforcer! Won't this thing go any faster? Thanks, sister.
You're an angel.
She is not an angel.
She is a very gullible little girl.
- Why do you say that? - He is not ill.
- He is malingering.
- How do you know that, pussycat? Are you programmed as a doctor? Just an educated guess.
You've gotten all the mileage you're gonna get out of that concussion.
Let's go.
It's Zeno, the space killer! Save me.
Save me! That's a lie.
He's Zeno.
I'm Dr.
- Gosh! Two Dr.
Smiths! - And that's two too many.
He's dangerous.
Take that gun away from him.
Will! Oh, Will! Oh, my! - Oh, thank heaven you're safe.
- Where's the Enforcer? - Didn't he bring you back? - No, we escaped.
- Zeno made me steal the spaceship.
- [ Zeno .]
Did you hear the boy? He admits that's Zeno.
Well, if he's not, you are.
Anyway, one of you is Zeno; that's for sure.
That's he, wearing my clothes.
He lies.
He's the most bloodthirsty murderer in all space.
I am not a murderer.
I never killed a man unless he-- I mean to say, I never killed anyone! - Did I, William? - You sure said you did.
I did not, you dreadful little boy.
I only said that because Zeno threatened to blast me.
[ John .]
Well, whoever you are, let's have that gun.
Oh, no, you don't.
If I surrender my arms I shall be at the mercy of that fiendish superswift.
My life is at stake-- Oh! Look what you've done.
Without me to protect you, Zeno will kill us all.
[ Spaceship Approaching .]
[ Dr.
Smith .]
It's the Space Enforcer.
He's coming here! Somebody save me! He's going to hang me throw me into a pit of space vipers, boil me in oil! Oh, dear! All right, you, move it in there.
Come on! Get up there.
Arms against the wall there.
You around there too.
You're making a serious mistake, sir.
I shall hold you to account-- You get back over there.
Now, Professor Robinson would you say that this man followed the normal behavior pattern of Dr.
Smith for the last two days? Well, at times, yes.
At other times, definitely not.
- Uh, John? Oh.
- Just a minute, dear.
When you arrive at a decision, be sure to let me know.
Uh, this may be of some help to you.
Old Lefty here pulled a gun on me.
Now, that's something Dr.
Smith would never do.
- He's too big a coward.
- I resent that.
My behavior hasn't been normal for the last two days.
It's due to a concussion I suffered at the hands of that desperado.
I'm a man of peace, sir.
Please believe me.
I'm inclined to believe you.
My own personal knowledge of this man convinces me that he's tricky, evasive, unreliable and utterly incapable of speaking the truth.
Well, now, that describes Smith to a tee.
But the trouble is, it also fits him.
So I guess we're not getting anywhere, are we? Now, this man was your companion after he escaped from my custody.
- How did he behave? - Very peculiar.
Well, in your opinion, did he behave more as Dr.
Smith would have or as Zeno, the outlaw? Well, kinda like both.
- How do you mean that? - Well, at first he was scared silly.
- And then he got awfully brave.
- [ Dr.
Smith .]
I did not.
I was scared silly all the time.
- You didn't act it when we got to the Temple of Bacchus.
- Uh-huh.
And what did he do in the Temple of Bacchus? [ Will .]
Well, he bragged he could outshoot, outwrestle outfight any galoot in the galaxy.
That sounds like Zeno, all right.
Now see what you've done, you ungrateful child? You've stabbed the best friend you ever had right in the back.
It was just a bit of bravura, sir.
I was merely bluffing.
My dear good friend, will you kindly tell the Enforcer who I really am? Oh, surely you recognize me, my bosom companion? The real Dr.
Smith is no friend of mine.
He insults me and calls me bad names.
He often threatens to destroy me.
Which one of these two men treated you in that manner? Both of them have treated me in that manner.
You tin-plated traitor! - Just for that, I'll rip out all your wires! - See? - Lunch is ready.
- And high time, too, my dear.
You, too, Dr.
Smith, or whoever you are.
My dear girl, how can you talk about food when my life hangs in the balance? Lunch, indeed! Well, he has to be Zeno.
Smith would eat on his way to the guillotine.
Oh, please, sir! You're making a terrible mistake! Well, I see that you've arrived at a decision.
Well, since it's impossible to tell which of the two suspects is the real Zeno - I'm takin' 'em both into custody.
- Both? Don't worry, sir.
They shall receive a fair trial by ordeal.
By ordeal? See what you've done to me, William Robinson? By ordeal? See what you've done to me, William Robinson? Just what do you mean by "trial by ordeal"? It's a scientific application of the rack and the thumbscrew.
In other words, trial by torture, right? I'm sorry, but that's the law of the Space Federation.
That does not compute.
That is illegal.
What do you know about it? Are you a space lawyer? I have been programmed with the galactic legal code.
Your warrant is for one man.
Therefore, you cannot legally take two men into custody.
Are you sure about that? - My programming is infallible.
- Well, in that case-- I shall never abuse you again as long as I live, dear friend.
He's not your friend.
He's my friend, aren't you, dear boy? Negative.
I am friend to neither one of you.
Well, I only have one alternative left to me-- trial by combat.
- Well, how does that work? - Well, the two suspects fight a duel with pistols under regulations set down by the Space Federation.
And what'll that prove? Well, since Zeno is the fastest superswift in the galaxy, he's bound to win.
Him I will take into custody.
No, no, no.
That means an innocent man will be killed.
Sorry, but that's the law of the Space Federation.
Well, I can't let you go through with that.
What you're proposing is nothing less than cold-blooded murder.
Are you interfering with a space official in the line of duty? If you wish to put it that way.
- In that case, you're under arrest too.
- Then you'll have to take me too.
- Oh, come on.
- [ Will .]
Enforcer! Mr.
Enforcer, they're getting away! I'll get him this time! He's trying to steal your ship! Where's Smith? Here he is.
Are you all right, sir? All right indeed.
Sure has all the earmarks of our Dr.
[ Spaceship Departing .]
[ Will .]
That must be Zeno.
[ John .]
With the Enforcer close behind.
- Do you think he'll catch him this time, Dad? - I'm not sure, son.
But I have a feeling that the Enforcer will be chasing Zeno around for some time to come.
Now let's help our conquering hero back to the ship, huh? Ah, there you are, kid.
Did you see that yellow-bellied coward cut out and run from the great Zeno? Yes, sir, I saw him run.
I have seen you do the same often enough, Dr.
Zeno, ninny! Stick around, rattletrap.
I may need another light.
Danger! The real Zeno is approaching! Nonsense.
I'm the real-- Zeno? Oh! - Save me! Save me! - [ Laughing .]
The Robot was just kidding, Dr.
The pain.
The pain.
You know, I wish you wouldn't wear that outfit.
It just doesn't look good on you anymore.
And, besides, I like you better the way you really are.
You do? You really do? You prefer me as my own inimitably lovable self? How sweet of you to say so, my dear little friend.
How sweet you are.
I think I'm gonna cry.
That bird song-- definitely a cry of the grackle.
Do you realize what it would mean to the science of ornithology to discover a grackle on this planet? No.
Would it be important? Important? My dear boy, it would be a first! If ever I return to Earth, I shall be able to write a monograph.
It's moving away from us.
Come along, William.
And don't forget the sandwiches.
I could go a lot faster if you'd carry some of this stuff.
Indeed! Whatever is the younger generation coming to? When I was a young boy, I was eager to carry heavy loads confident that the exercise would improve my muscles.
Oh, very well.
I'll lighten your load.
- Yes.
- Thanks a lot.
Our prey will escape! Oh, dear.
We've lost it.
- Dr.
Smith? - Yes? What's that? [ Chuckles .]
Oh, upon my soul.
It looks like a lyre a kind of harp played in ancient times.
Well, it must belong to somebody.
Oh, my.
Whatever these stones are, they must be of tremendous value.
Smith, I think you'd better leave it alone.
Anyone can see it's only a-- Where am I? All these rocks.
And the fire! And that dreadful smell of brimstone.
Oh, no! It can't be! To think the kindly noble Zachary Smith should end up in this infernal place! It's not fair! Oh, dear.
Well, Zachary.
So you finally got here.
Good heavens.
[ Sinister Chuckle .]
Guess again.