Loudermilk (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

Bourbon Street

1 Is this a formal wedding? Not that it matters, in that you're not invited.
Well, I might want to break in and stop the thing.
I don't want to be underdressed.
Are you fucking serious? Dude, it's a really long drive, and you know I'm an alcoholic! Loudermilk abandoned this group to go to a wedding?! Hey, Father Mike.
Don't bother coming back here! [PHONE BEEPS] I want you to keep an eye on him, yeah? Dude, he's a grown-ass man.
Ben! Ben? Ben, you got to do me a favor, though, all right? I need you to talk to Memphis.
Hello, Ben.
Hello, Memphis.
FATHER MIKE: Can I have everyone's attention, please? I'm sorry to report that Loudermilk is no longer your group leader.
Is he okay? Well, define "okay.
" Is he alive? Yes, but once again, he's put his selfish needs ahead of this group's.
Well, that's what he always does.
He says that's how it works.
Him first, then us.
It's like putting on your oxygen mask before you're putting on the kid's in a plane crash.
Well, he should have been teaching you to put on your own oxygen masks.
You're not children.
You're men.
And as of today, you will be treated as such, so please welcome Garret Mason-Burke.
Great evening, everybrainy! That's right.
I'm not gonna be talking to your bodies.
I'm gonna be talking to your brains.
FATHER MIKE: Garret is a Sober Friends instructor and also a, uh, part-time trainer for therapy cats.
Okay.
Stop blowing my horn, Father.
[CHUCKLES] You know, despite all my accomplishments, I'm still just a guy who wants to help people.
And we're lucky to have him.
So, take it away, Gary.
Thank you, Father.
Thank you.
Wow.
Look at you all.
What the hell's a therapy cat? That's a great question.
It's for people who need a little more love in their lives than their so-called loved ones are giving them.
I like to call it "e-meow-tional support.
" And I think I have a friend for you.
ROGER: So, Garret.
Yes.
What were you addicted to? Booze? Drugs? Candy? [CHUCKLES] Well, I do like a little candy.
- [GROWLS] - [LAUGHS] No.
Uh, I really didn't touch any of that stuff.
You know, anything that I need is already in me.
MUGSY: Wait wait wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What the fuck is he talking about? Uh [LAUGHS] How would you know what we're going through if you've never experienced it? Training.
Plus, I have read everything there is to know about addiction.
So, you've read "Permanent Midnight" by Jerry Stahl? Not the book, no.
No.
But you've watched the movie version with Ben Stiller? Is that the one that takes place in a scary museum? It is if you can imagine Sacagawea blowing cocaine up Teddy Roosevelt's asshole.
Oh! [LAUGHS] I mean, it's like thinking you're gonna become some great football player just by watching the game on telly.
Okay, but I have no interest in playing the game.
I just want to coach it.
Does it matter whether Bill Belichick ever played the game? Yeah, it does.
And he did, at Wesleyan.
Oh, he did? Wesleyan? Wow.
Okay.
I didn't know that.
Okay, let me put it to you another way.
A doctor doesn't have to have cancer in order to be a cancer doctor.
Furthermore, why would you want a cancer doctor who had cancer? He'd be riddled with with stuff from the chemo.
He'd be all beat up.
Guys, think of me as your healthy addiction counselor, one who had enough integrity not to mess up his life and screw everyone around him.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S "STAND ON THE HORIZON" PLAYS] - [LINE RINGS] - BEN: Hello.
[LAUGHS] This is Ben.
Leave a message, and I'll get back to you, okay? - [LAUGHS] - [BEEP] I thought you changed your fucking stupid-ass message.
All right? Where the hell are you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago 'cause I need to know what's going on with Memphis.
Could you, uh, you know, if you get a second and you're not too busy, could you fucking call me back?! [MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINC CHATTER IN DISTANCE] It's Loudermilk.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS] - [DOOR OPENS] Hey.
Yeah.
Where the hell have you been? Um, getting ice.
Oh, yeah.
Likely story, huh? Dude, what the hell? Chill out.
You're acting like a psycho.
How am I supposed to act, okay? My ex-wife is somewhere getting married.
My best friend and sponsor is fucking off the wagon and missing.
- Well, go out and find him.
- Well, I would! But what happens if I go and he comes back and I'm gone and then I come back and he's gone? And now it's fucking Abbott and Costello up here! You're afraid.
- What? - Yeah.
You're afraid to go out there because you don't think you could do it and stay sober.
Bullshit.
See that? You see the four? That's a four-year chip.
I'm sober four years.
Why would I be afraid? Because we're in New Orleans and it's Mardi Gras.
[MUSIC AND CHATTER CONTINUES] Oh, my God.
I can't go out there.
Okay, fine.
I'll go out and get him.
No.
No.
Unh-unh.
You're even more raw than I am.
No, I'm not.
This whole ex-wife thing has set you back to day one.
You don't have to do this for me.
I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing this to get the fuck away from you.
Okay.
I can live with that.
[DOOR SLAMS] [FIVE KNIVES' "MONEY" PLAYS] I only want you for the money So treat me like I'm solid gold Hey.
Where do you get these? Just flash your titties! Like this? Whoo! Or you can just buy them over there.
[CHEERING, INDISTINCT CHATTER] MEMPHIS: What?! - You promised me - No.
that you were gonna tell him! No, I did not promise you, okay? You promised me! No, sweetie, I didn't promise you that I would tell him.
I said that I should.
Then I thought to myself, "Why now?" You know what I mean? I mean, he's gonna find out eventually, Memphis.
And what about me? I don't need that kind of stress right before my wedding.
Damn it, Ben! This is exactly what I didn't want to happen.
So, who the fuck does he think that I'm marrying? Emeril.
Emeril Lagasse?! Emeril somebody.
I don't know.
I kept it vague.
[SCOFFS] I can't believe this.
I knew I should have told him myself.
Well, lucky you.
You're gonna have that chance 'cause, uh, he's he's here.
What? - He's here.
- Yeah.
In New Orleans? Yes, he is here.
He's here.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't shake him.
He's like a goddamn deer tick.
Oh, my God.
He's not gonna try and pull some bullshit out of "The Graduate," is he? [LAUGHS] You mean, like fuck your mom? You know what? I'm actually glad that he's here because I can't go through this without him knowing.
Okay.
Sweetheart, look.
Why don't you just calm down? We can tell him in a little while when we're far away.
What do you think? Ben this is your best friend.
How could you treat him like this? - Where are you going? - I'm gonna go tell him because you're too much of a pussy.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
BEN: You're right.
Okay? You're right.
It's on me.
I said I would tell him.
And as soon as I get really, really drunk, I will man up and tell him, okay? And maybe we can get something to eat first.
Okay.
Let's go get you some food.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then you have to tell him.
Definitely.
Definitely.
I'm gonna get really, really drunk.
And then, uh, and then I'll and then I'll have something to eat.
And then maybe dessert.
And then then we'll get some coffee.
And then And then I'll - And then I'll tell him.
All right? - ou better.
You sure you don't want to do it after the honeymoon? No.
You have to tell him now.
Okay, I'm gonna tell him.
I'm gonna tell him.
- Okay.
- All right.
A fabricated kind of romance Where sex and love are bought and sold I only want you for your money Uh Yeah, I'm I'm good.
Ben! Hey, Ben! Ben! Holy shit.
LOUDERMILK: I'm sorry.
Could you repeat that? Uh, I saw Ben and Memphis talking, and then he kissed her.
Well, so what? I mean, you know, they're they're friends.
Friends kiss.
On the mouth.
I mean, there was tongue and teeth and fucking You're out of your mind! [SIGHS] Yeah, that's not them.
Yes, it is.
Look at her leg.
You know how I know that's not them? It's because she would never, ever cheat on her fiancé before the wedding.
Never.
That's not her.
Jesus Christ.
Get your head out of your ass! [CORK POPS IN DISTANCE] [MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINC CHATTER IN DISTANCE] That's not possible.
Yeah, well, you didn't think he'd start boozing, either, did you? This is different.
A liar's a liar.
You taught me that.
You know, I see what you're trying to do, here.
You're trying to make me forget all about this and go back so I don't make a fool of myself at the wedding tomorrow.
[BREATHING SHAKILY] Please tell me that's what you're trying to do, here.
[MUSIC AND CHATTER CONTINUES] I'm sorry.
[SIGHS] Oh, my God.
That's why he's pushing Allison on me all the time.
It's 'cause he wants me out of the picture.
It's probably also why he's boozing.
I mean, can you imagine how much guilt he's been living with? You know what? I don't want to fucking imagine about how much guilt he's feeling! You know, that's the problem with you, is you just jump immediately to the wrong thing! He's my friend, and she was my wife! Okay? So I want to worry about how the fuck I'm feeling about it, what I think! And you know what I think? I think with that ring in your nose, you look like a skinny hand grenade! You're being a real fucking asshole.
Fuck you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] [MEL BROWN'S "CHICKEN FAT" PLAYS] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Hey.
What can I get you? Uh Hey [SNAPS FINGERS] buddy, you want something? Yeah.
Bourbon, neat.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE] Thanks so much for hearing me out.
Yeah, whatever you want.
Next week, I'll bring a box for the shoes in case it rains, okay? - Don't worry about it.
- I'm not worried.
I just thought it would be fun and fresh to put our footwear in bins.
We don't have to do it unless you think it's a good idea.
Okay, whatever you want.
Listen, I really got to go, though, so just give me a heart hug.
Oh, heart hug.
Yeah, okay.
Yes, there it is.
So good today.
[SIGHS] Oh, hey, gang! - Hey.
- What was that all about? - I was just talking.
- Well.
- Talking? - That was, like, a nice - Looked like you were hugging.
- Yeah.
It was a heart hug! Hey, look.
I've been coming to these meetings for two months, and Loudermilk has been a total dick to me.
This guy gets me.
He likes me.
He loved my wet-shoe box idea.
You guys laughed at it, but he thought it was fucking gold.
Hmm.
Loudermilk wasn't nice to you, but you kept coming.
Well, yeah, but I should want to come to these meetings.
I shouldn't dread them.
You should want to stay sober no matter what.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what? Loudermilk talks the talk, but he walks the walk.
Yeah.
That's just a cutesy way saying he's a fuck-up.
Why don't you go Fuck you.
Oh, shit.
That's a good one, Oscar Wilde.
- F-Fuck it.
- Way to get him.
[COUGHING] Loudermilk? What? Have you been Hey, asshole! You didn't pay your tab! It's cool.
I'll get it.
How much? $14.
What? [COUGHS] For one shot? Yeah.
You're in New Orleans, not Shreveport! Drinks are cheap in Shreveport? [MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINCT CHATTER] Why are you puking from one shot? I knew it was a bad idea when I did it, so Dude! Get your shit together! You've been all up in my ass about staying on the wagon, and here you are, puking in an alley! Hey! What do you not fucking understand?! All right? My best friend is marrying the love of my life tomorrow! And my dad blew his brains out! Get over it! Shit happens! Hurting yourself is easy, and living is hard.
You told me that.
I said that? I need better shit.
That's not that helpful.
Come on.
We got to get you some rest so you can ruin a wedding tomorrow.
All right.
Just let me get the barf off my pants.
You've got to start chewing more.
There's like a whole shrimp in there.
[MUSIC AND CHATTER CONTINUES] [SIGHS] [CHIP CLINKS] [SNORING] [BELL TOLLING] If you're gonna go in, you better do it now.
It's about to start.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY] [SIGHS] You shouldn't be here, Samuel.
No, it's okay.
It's the groom who's not supposed to see you before the wedding.
But then he wasn't supposed to do a lot of things.
Where's that Humpty-Dumpty piece of shit? It's not Ben's fault.
We didn't mean for this to happen.
Yeah, you know, that's what people always say when they're fucking the wrong person.
But thank you for sparing me the soul mate speech.
Hey, this a church, asshole.
Well, then don't fucking swear.
Loudermilk, please.
Okay? I just like talking to him.
Every time I called him, he was in such a good mood, and I needed that.
Oh, my God! The phone thing? That's an act! He's He's not happy! He's fucking miserable! Have you spent any time with him? I have! And Ben is a good man, and he's terrified of hurting you! No.
I'll I'll tell you who Ben is, all right? Ben's the kind of guy who would steal his best friend's wife.
I was your ex-wife when I met him.
Um, there's something else you should know.
Ben started drinking again.
Yeah? So? Well, then why would you want to be with him? Loudermilk's stone sober.
I mean, sort of.
I mean, he had a shot the other night, but it it's not a big deal, right? I mean, he's he's a changed man.
I know.
That's why we broke up! I thought you broke up because of the accident.
No.
Things happen.
People make mistakes.
I know that.
But he was drunk.
So was I! He only drove because I couldn't.
Look, we broke up because Loudermilk overreacted to the accident.
All of a sudden, it was about sober days and meetings and apologizing to every, single person he knew.
Look, that's your choice.
But I don't want to live the way that you live.
What way? Hiding from life.
I like to go out.
I like bars.
I'm sorry if that sounds bad, but it's the truth.
I'm not hiding.
I quit all that for you, for us, because I thought we needed a little stability and a little sanity.
But stability wasn't what I wanted.
I wanted the man that I married.
["TWIST YOUR ANKLE" PLAYS] Loudermilk, I'm sorry, but I want to live the way I want to live.
Bye, Memphis.
Last night, dancing slow Nice dress.
In turning light With you caught in my eye Well, twist your ankle, leave my side Good night Somehow, I thought you'd fight a little harder than that.
Go laugh with all your friends Yeah.
Me, too.
I'll meet you back at the room, okay? What are you doing? Well, the bride's here.
Groom's got to be around somewhere.
Go on.
Go get your stuff together.
Let's We're gonna go home.
Okay.
Hey, I'm really sorry about last night.
I You've been a rock for me this week.
So, thanks.
[DOOR CREAKS] [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY] I'd offer to help, but you probably don't want my hands around your neck.
Look.
Sam.
Don't "Sam" me, asshole.
Did you really think you're were gonna be able to run off with my ex-wife and get married and never tell me about it? To be honest, that was the plan, yes.
I was also thinking about changing my identity.
I knew it would be tricky, but I've always been fond of the name "Rex Blanton.
" Rex Blanton? That's good.
It sounds like a douche.
How could you do this? No, hold on.
Look.
I didn't do this to you, okay? I did it for me.
No.
I mean, literally, how could you do this and me not find out? I'm I'm I'm impressed.
Come on, Sam.
You're like the center of your own universe.
There's a lot of things you don't see.
Fuck you.
Don't pin this on me.
No, I-I'm just saying you got yourself wrapped up in a lot of other people's lives.
Sometimes, that makes it harder for you to see what's going on in your own life.
God damn it, Ben.
I was counting on you.
You know that? Did you know that every morning when I wake up, I think, "Oh, you know what? If Ben can stay clean, I can stay clean.
" And you lied to me about that.
You lied to me about Memphis.
You lied about everything.
No, I did No, I didn't lie about it, okay? No, I didn't lie about it.
I knew it was a shitty thing to do and it was morally reprehensible, but I did not lie.
Yes I did.
Actually, I lied.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, Loudermilk.
Look, I've never had the sort of things that you had.
You know, a marriage, and someone to love me that I could love a soul mate.
Oh! God! You had to fucking say it, didn't you?! Just shut up, okay, please? Just for a second, let me talk.
Just listen to me.
Look, my whole life, I've been the guy that nobody noticed.
I'm 6'3", 275 pounds you know, when I'm in shape and still, I'm completely invisible.
Well, I'm fucking tired of it! I I needed this.
She make She makes me feel adored.
[STAMMERING] And I And I hurt you.
And then And that And that makes me a piece of shit.
But for the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have a shot at real happiness.
You know, at least for a while.
So I took it.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING, LAUGHTER] You want to hit me? Why don't you hit me? I mean it.
Why don't you give me just one shot a good, hard one? - That's fucking childish.
- Is it? It would make me feel a whole lot better.
- Would it? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
That'd make you feel better? - Sure.
- Really? Yes.
All right.
Fire when ready.
How's this make you feel? Way, way worse.
Good.
Goodbye, Ben.
[SNIFFLES] Hey, you two deserve each other.
Come on.
Don't Don't be like that.
No, no, no, no.
I mean in a good way.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way, I set your car on fire.
[CHUCKLES] - [SIREN WAILING] - [DOOR CLOSES] - [HORN HONKING] - Aah! No! Son of a Fuck! [DOOR OPENS] Knock, knock.
You're back! Yep.
I was worried about you guys.
How was your trip? It was a fucking ball.
How 'bout you? How How was your, uh How are you? Oh, pretty good.
Where's Ben? Uh, he stayed in New Orleans.
Is he coming back? No.
No, he's not.
Is he okay? [SIGHS] Ben's moved on.
And he was kind of a bullshit friend, and, uh, I-I don't really want to talk about him.
I'm mailing him his stuff, so.
Okay.
I, um I have some extra moving boxes if you need them.
Oh.
I found a sublet closer to Carl's place, so I'm heading over there at the end of the month.
What? Why are you telling me? Because I thought you'd like to know.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Here.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - I can't keep your - No.
No, I-I don't want that back.
- I gave that to you.
- I can't keep your last copy.
That's That's yours.
I gave that to you.
And now I'm returning it.
Circle of life.
[BOOK FALLS ON TABLE] I, uh I wish you and Dr.
Heimlock have a wonderful life together.
And I hope, someday, you grow up and stop being a dry drunk.
Okay.
So, is this the part now where you tell me that if I was a nicer person, I'd have a lot of friends and bad things wouldn't happen to me? My life would just be blow jobs and daffodils? [DOOR SLAMS] [SIGHS] - [SLAMS BOOK] - Goddamn it.
Hey.
You want me to be real? You want me to really, really be real? I have fake bags of garbage that I'll take downstairs hoping to run into you so that we can talk for a couple of minutes, even if it's just you telling me what an asshole I am.
I sat in that lobby with that record player for about two-and-a-half hours with my key in the mailbox, waiting for you to get home.
And I have mixed feelings about it, because your taste in music is fucking dreadful and there's really nothing to be done about that.
Your boyfriend is a coward.
Not because he froze when that guy was choking, which he did, but because he's got you moving near him, but he doesn't have you moving in with him.
And I think that sucks.
And if you do go, my stomach is gonna hurt for a very, very long time.
So my stomach would appreciate it if you didn't go.
And I would appreciate it, too.
'Cause you standing here in this hallway's about the only real thing in my life right now.
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY] CUTTER: You're making no fucking sense.
GARRET: Listen to me.
This is a very, very important part.
When you're up, you're gonna shimmy-shoo down.
And that's how you get over the obstacle of that you want to aaaaahhh, but you're not gonna.
You want that warmth.
You want that blanket.
So you might reach for that bottle.
Maybe that glass dick.
Sucking on that glass dick, right? I mean, I get it.
But you can't.
You can't go to the dick.
You can't go to the bottle.
[CHUCKLES] You got to go in the heart.
Samuel.
- and that's when the positivity starts.
- Oh, hey, Mike.
I see the new guy finally got his shoe box.
I trust you're not here to make a scene.
You're never gonna see the shadow behind you.
- Think about that.
- M No.
Just eavesdropping.
I see you got, uh, someone else in there running things.
Well, what'd you expect? The group had to continue.
How's he doing? [SIGHS] He shows up on time.
He doesn't shout at the group.
He never uses the word "cunt.
" In point of fact, he follows all the rules to a "T.
" You shimmy-shoo, you shimmy-shoo, you shimmy-shoo, you shimmy-shoo.
And then you pop out, you pop out, you pop out.
That's how it works.
CUTTER: What the fuck am I looking at? Listen to me! Listen to me! - That's good.
- that's how it works.
I just really came here to, uh, clear up the thing - about me flaking on you.
- shimmy-shoo and a pop-out, - and that will help you to overcome - You mean, to apologize.
However you want to put it.
[SIGHS] - Well, I appreciate it.
- If we die CUTTER: This is a bunch of fucking bullshit.
No, Cutter, listen to me! You're gonna shimmy-shoo I should, uh I should go have a look.
Yeah.
I'll see you around, Mike.
GARRET: God forbid you listen for two seconds! We have neighbors.
It's completely unacceptable to have that kind of noise in here.
- You understand? - I do understand, Father.
I apologize.
I had broken into a little ditty, which was an obvious trigger for He's making all the fucking noise with his Kumbaya! - Which was a trigger! - [DOOR OPENS] Hey, it's Loudermilk! Any of you fuck-ups wants to really get better, you come find me.
Hey, take your shoes off! [HANNI EL KHATIB'S "GONNA DIE ALONE" PLAYING] I'm gonna die alone Really alone I'm gonna die alone I'm gonna die alone Yeah, really alone I'm gonna die alone Got away with so much for years It's bound to catch up And I'm ready for tears To fall down, down my face Down my lips without a trace Got me feeling like this And I know that I'ma pray Pray for the night I lose my life to the devil inside I hope that I ride On a silver tire That keeps me inside and safely outta sight I'm gonna die alone Yeah, really alone I'm gonna die alone