Loudermilk (2017) s02e01 Episode Script

Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except For Me and My Monkey

1 I'm Sam Loudermilk, and I am super-duper excited about getting you on the road to sobriety.
Right now, she's having trouble with her daughter.
I have a feeling that your brand of help may be exactly what she needs.
You want to drink and drug yourself to an early grave, great.
You're doing great.
That's my number.
You want help, call it.
I need help.
And a place to stay.
[LAUGHS.]
That ain't happening.
As your sponsor and your only friend, you really make it hard for people to like you.
I'm Allison.
I just moved into 2C.
Sam, 2B Or not 2B.
Show that you can be a good guy, you'll win some points with Allison.
- You think? - Yeah.
Where the hell is Loudermilk? Oh, I'm in charge.
You ran out of second chances five chances ago! Don't bother coming back here! - [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
- Loudermilk is no longer your group leader.
Please welcome Garret Mason-Burke.
Great evening, everybrainy! Where's Ben? Ben's moved on.
Uh, who are you again? I'm Carl, Allison's boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is a coward.
'Cause he's got you moving near him, but he doesn't have you moving in with him.
WOMAN: When you know it's time to make a change, we have a place for you [WHISPERING.]
Hideaway Hills.
[NORMALLY.]
A calm, inviting place, where you can get back to being the you you used to be.
[WHISPERING.]
Hideaway Hills.
[NORMALLY.]
Our drug-and-alcohol treatment programs are start-of-the-art, designed to take the pain out of healing.
Contact us about payment plans, because your recovery is worth it.
[WHISPERING.]
Payment plans.
[NORMALLY.]
Find yourself at Hideaway Hills.
Stop looking for the answers.
Let us find them for you.
[WHISPERING.]
Hideaway Hills.
What a load of horseshit.
[WITH VOCAL FRY.]
What can I get you? I'd like a large coffee.
Okay, so hot coffee? - Hot coffee.
- Okay.
Room for cream? [IMITATES VOCAL FRY.]
Totally leave room for cream.
Why are you talking like that? Why are you talking like that? - Because this is my voice.
- This is my voice.
No, it's not.
I heard you talking a minute ago.
- I know you don't talk like that.
- Neither do you, because nobody actually talks like this.
You choose to talk like this, and today I chose to talk like this.
Pretty fucking annoying, isn't it? Why you so rude, man? [NORMALLY.]
Just stop doing that.
I can't help it.
This is my voice.
No, it's not.
It's an affectation that annoying teenagers and rich people use to sound like they don't give a shit, except you work in a coffee shop, so I know you're not rich, and you don't look like a teenager.
Unless you're Eunice Kennedy Shriver, knock it off.
So just 'cause I talk like this means I don't give a shit? And what exactly am I supposed to not give a shit about? That's an excellent question to ask yourself in your actual voice.
[WITH VOCAL FRY.]
Excuse me, some of us would like to order.
[SIGHS.]
Fuck everybody.
[NORMALLY.]
You're a total dick, man.
There! There you go.
Good.
You're talking.
Wow.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S "STAND ON THE HORIZON" PLAYS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Good turn out.
I was expecting to see just Mugsy and Claire again.
Sorry, man.
We would've come earlier, but we just didn't think it was true that you were running a meeting out of a record-store closet.
Well, I'm glad you're here now.
How's everybody doing? Eh.
All right.
Wow.
I'm I'm I have chills from that wave of excitement coming at me.
Don't forget, you guys came and found me, all right? So, somebody.
Please, anybody.
- I'll go.
- Except Claire.
Mugsy and I have been listening to her shit for a month.
Somebody, speak up.
Come on.
- Go for it.
- Are you serious? What? I thought you got it all out last week.
Don't you remember? Your mom was cheating on your dad with the neighbor back when you were still a lesbian.
I wasn't a lesbian.
All right, I'm sorry.
I I I didn't mean lesbian per se.
I mean when you and your lesbian professor were, uh, getting it on, lesbo-style.
That doesn't make us lesbians.
We were experimenting.
No, Marie Curie was experimenting.
You were having gay sex, not advancing science.
Isn't it ironical that we're having this conversation in a closet? Wait, so both of y'all weren't lesbians? Well, that can't be good sex.
I mean, both of y'all wouldn't know what you were doing, right? Yeah, it could be good sex because you're working with your own equipment.
So it takes all the guesswork out.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Was it just great? All right, I said I don't want to spend the whole meeting talking about Claire.
Now, seriously, who has something to say? I Okay, I have something, but it's not necessarily related to my issues.
Everything is related to your issues.
Okay, h-here, I always wondered why this guy wouldn't change his name - Dick Butkus.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Dick "butt kiss"? - Yeah, okay, you got it.
Why Why do you care if he changed his name? I don't care.
Y-you just said you wanted somebody other than Claire to talk.
Dick Butkus? Man, he had to know people were gonna have fun with that.
He should've called himself Richard, at least.
I don't think "butt" meant the same thing back then.
Used to be a cigarette, so maybe he didn't know.
Maybe he didn't care.
The guy was 6'3", 280 pounds, could punch people through walls.
Or maybe that's why he got so tough, because he had to.
That doesn't make any sense.
I mean, just because you get picked on doesn't mean you're gonna grow big.
Otherwise, New Guy would be protecting - Tom Brady's blind side.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Wonder how that mouse turd is doing over at the church.
Okay, guys, who's up for a little giddiness today? Oh, one vote for giddiness from this guy.
Make that two.
[CHUCKLES.]
What exactly do you mean by "giddiness"? I mean fun, Cloud.
Fun.
I got to tell you guys, these These meetings have gotten to be a real bummer for me.
It's all, "My kids hate me this," "My brother got decapitated in a logging accident that.
" It was his own fault.
He He should've been wearing his harness.
Okay, doomsday.
Let it go.
These things happen.
People get their heads chopped off.
Look, why don't we dial up the old positivity end of that magnet and turn those frowns the other way? - Upside down? - Sure, whatever.
Who wants to put a little smileage on their face car? Hmm? - Okay, I'll go.
- Cisco! Excelente, baby.
Give it to me.
From the top.
Give it to me.
[LAUGHS.]
I didn't see that one coming.
Just means there's more of me to go around, fellas.
Right? Cloud, you okay? Guys, it's It's okay to share a little sunshine, you know? It's fi Gu [CLEARS THROAT.]
I didn't mean to burn their retinas, right? You know [SIGHS.]
looking into the sun, it's not good.
It hurts.
But that pain, that's where the growth Springeth from.
Scientists call it photo-senses.
I don't know if you knew that.
You guys are doing a buddy break? Just a quick buddy break, all right? Just stay in a group if you could.
That'd be great.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, okay, guess I'll start.
Uh, I think you started last time, right? Uh - W-Well Well, yeah, but - [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I should I should grab this.
Uh, let's take five, okay? Hello? No, now's the perfect time.
No, not doing anything.
So, here's the takeaway, all right? You can't go on skirting your issues.
You got to tackle them head on like Dick Butkus did, but you got to know what they are.
Why would somebody who has the power to change something about themselves not do it? Okay, okay, Mugsy actually does have a point, because that's That's what we're trying to do in here.
We're trying to change ourselves in a way that makes our lives better, which would be easier to do if we weren't constantly being interrupted without the fucking courtesy of a knock.
Oh, sorry, am I interrupting your meeting with my business? - Really? - What? We sell coffee here, you know.
Yeah, but this coffee doesn't taste like it came out of a morgue drain.
Congratulations.
You're the only place in Seattle with bad coffee.
Be cool, Loudermilk.
I'm only letting you use this storage room out of the goodness of my heart.
Wasn't your lunch break over like 10 minutes ago? Can you really put a time limit on recovery? When you've only been working here a week? Yeah.
Get back on the floor.
Knock, knock.
You don't have to say "knock, knock.
" You can just knock.
Oh, right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[KNOCKING.]
[SIGHS.]
- Yes? - I'll be heading out.
- Already? - Yep.
Almost no one's here, anyway.
What do you mean almost no one? If there's even one person here who needs help It's just New Guy.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and you know what it's like trying to talk to him, right? [IMITATES ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
All right, I'll see you Thursday, then.
Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I have great news.
My work here is done.
What are you talking about your work is done? Well, the group has been making fantastic strides.
Righteous path.
I just don't think they need me anymore.
I'm not sure that's actually the case.
I've been worried about Cutter.
I think perhaps he needs some one-on-one time.
Oh, we had one-on-one time and a great conversation.
He told me that he was never gonna come to one of these meetings ever again in his life.
So, you're leaving.
It's been a real pleasure, but yes.
Onwards and upwards.
Are you kidding me? I wish I was, but it's like that song, "Brandy.
" "But he always told the truth.
Lord, he was an honest man, and Brandy does her best to understand.
" So I'm Brandy? Yes, and I am the honest man.
Ah, but he had made it clear he couldn't stay because no harbor was his home.
You said you'd be docking here for a year.
Mmm, I think you're mistaken.
Think that's a different song.
It's probably "Ride Captain Ride," maybe.
- Just leave.
- Okay.
Oh, I have this for you.
Oh, yeah, have this.
This is my sharing scepter.
Holding that allows the person to access his innermost thoughts.
Fuck you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
See? It worked.
[FLOORBOARDS CREAK.]
Is Garret coming back? No.
Well, I still have some stuff I need to get off my chest.
Can I talk to you? No.
Well, I feel at liberty to say that's not very good priesting.
God, I miss the days when priests could beat the hell out of people.
Uh, I'm right here.
I can hear you.
[CHANGE CLATTERS.]
[KEYS RATTLE.]
Throwing change again? Got a hole in my pocket.
Pathetic.
You know, you're really good at convincing others to face their issues head-on.
How can you go around giving that kind of advice when you've been ducking Allison for nearly a month? I'm not ducking Allison.
We just haven't been able to connect.
Wait, you haven't talked to her since you boned her? Really? [SCOFFS.]
That's not cool, Loudermilk.
You know, facing your problems is the first step to looking in a mirror.
Where'd you hear that? Uh, page 16.
Oh, look at Miss Torn Leggings, the everything-but-fashion expert.
What's that look called, Corpse Bride? Of course you'd turn that back on me.
That's a classic example of deflecting.
Page 22.
Look, I got a lot going on, okay? My ex-best friend just ran off with my ex-wife.
I'm not looking to get into something right away.
Jesus Christ.
LOUDERMILK: Um, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, what are you doing? No.
Geez.
Loudermilk wants to talk to you.
You can thank me later.
Yes? - Hello.
- Hello.
- You're not Allison.
- That's right.
Are you a friend of Allison's? Who? What are you doing in there? Cooking dinner.
Where's Allison? I don't know Allison.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Do you live here now? I do.
I'm Lee Fong.
Like the Elton John song? Okay.
How long have you been here? Wait here.
I'll get my papers.
No, no, no.
Just I wanted H-how long since you moved into the apartment? A week ago.
Uh, do you have any idea where the last tenant moved to? No, but I know it was in hurry.
They left a record player.
It was a piece of shit, though.
Uh, can I get that record player? We have a wonderful work of art A 1962 painting done by Joan Neary.
This is a two-owner painting, originally commissioned by William Beauchene of Newport, Rhode Island.
We are starting the bidding at $22,000.
- Loudermilk - Hey.
what are you doing here? Thinking about investing in some art.
- We have $23,000.
- LOUDERMILK: Yeah, I heard you might have a good deal on a Dana Schutz.
What do you think I'm doing here? I'm here to see you.
Please, just keep it down.
Hey, if you wanted to talk to me, you could've done it somewhere that's not my job.
Well, I'm not much of a planner.
I'm more of a seat-of-the-pants guy and all that, you know? So, how are you? I thought that was fun the other Month? It's been a month.
It's a month and two days.
I don't forget anniversaries.
Okay, what do you want? You left this.
Lee Fong I Why'd you move? Me? What about you? You disappeared.
I was just giving you some space.
Yeah, I called you five times.
You never called me back.
The phone is very impersonal, and I prefer a direct face-to-face like this.
This isn't a good time for me, Loudermilk.
This is a bad time for everybody.
This Trump shit's a nightmare? Okay, just stop it.
Can you ever be fucking real? I thought our connection was pretty real.
Yeah, I did, too, you know, for a day or two, but I was wrong.
I mean, I-I should be thanking you for staying away.
It gave me time to think about what I really need.
Which is? Something solid A life with Carl.
Dr.
Choke? Come on.
I hate that guy.
Yeah, well, I love him.
Don't give me that love bullshit.
If you would've loved him, then Then we wouldn't have had what we had.
Okay, w-well, what did we have? Well, you remember.
You were there.
I mean, I don't know if it would've turned into something more, but you can't deny that That there was something between us.
We were both in a bad way.
You were clearly upset with what happened with Ben and I wasn't sure if I wanted to move in with Carl, and you just seemed so vulnerable.
Vulnerable? So it was a pity fuck? [SCOFFS.]
Loudermilk That's not a no.
Allison, I know I should've come earlier, but I'm here now.
Well It's too late, and that's a pity.
[MADISEN WARD AND THE MAMA BEAR'S "DEAD DAFFODILS" PLAYS.]
Green leaves are turning and the wind's picking up - Autumn reminds me of old-fashioned stuff - [DOOR OPENS.]
Out of the window are-a green gazing eyes - So, how'd it go? - Well, I talked to Allison.
And? She moved out.
- What do you mean? - She She moved out.
She doesn't live here anymore.
Weird.
So where did you talk to her? [SIGHS.]
Work.
You went to her job? That's a little psycho.
So what did you say? I told her I was gonna shoot President Reagan for her.
What What does it matter? It's over.
She's back with that clown the doctor.
- You believe that? - No way.
She's back with the doctor? How fucking shallow is that? What kind of a woman goes with the man who has the money, the security, the looks, the future, instead of going with the change-throwing floor cleaner who runs a rehab in a record-store closet? Look, I'm not a doctor, but I-I-I'm I-I got some shit going on.
I'm a critic with an impeccable reputation.
I'm a published author, for Christ sakes.
Huh? I'm somebody-ish.
Used to be.
What? Well, you haven't written anything in, like, years.
So? I could if I wanted.
Well, then do it.
Yeah, no, it's not that easy, Claire.
Sure it is.
What's that thing they say? Write what you know? So, what do you know? Well, I know music, but I When I was writing those books, I was fucking in it.
I was drinking all the time.
I was fucked up.
I-I-I-I can't go back there.
So you're worried that you'll start drinking if you write or that your writing won't be very good because you're not drinking.
I mean, it might be better.
We don't know what sober Loudermilk is capable of.
It could be amazing.
It could be, like, the best book ever.
You could win a Grammy.
- Pulitzer.
- There you go.
Now you're talking.
I think you're onto something, Claire.
This is one of those moments, okay? This is one of those moments in life where you wake up, and you don't get a lot of these moments, all right, and this is one.
This is an opportunity.
I have an opportunity here.
Instead of just being in recovery, I have an opportunity to actually recover, right, and I can because I'm a writer.
- Yeah.
- I know how to do this.
I just got to do it.
Huh? And I will, because I-I-I Because I am sober.
I'm clearer.
I have my shit together.
I-I-I-I'm I'm organized.
Have you seen my fucking computer? [HEM'S "STUPID MOUTH SHUT" PLAYS.]
- - Yeah, I need a break.
The sidewalk bends where your house ends - Like the neighborhood is on its knees - Oh, shit.
- I mean, obviously some exceptions - [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Hold on.
- Hello? - Claire, it's me.
- Uh, where are you? - Uh, I-I'm jamming.
I got a really good writing flow going, and, uh, I'm not gonna be at the meeting tonight.
Are you serious? People are waiting for you.
Well, you take this one.
You've been reading the book, so you've got it.
What? I-I-I don't know how to And I'm gonna be late tonight, I think, 'cause I've got some, you know, - unfinished business and stuff.
- Uh-oh.
You're not gonna try talking to Allison again tonight, are you? No, no.
- You think I should? - No! Right.
Me, too.
You already got your answer, man.
Don't go back and get hurt again.
Who Who's hurt? I'm not hurt.
[SIGHS.]
You're repeating destructive behavior.
That is not good.
That's on page Hello? [RINGING.]
[RECORDING.]
Hey, it's Allison.
I'm not here right now, but leave a message - and I'll call you back.
- [BEEP.]
Hey, it's me.
Uh, listen, I know my timing's not perfect, but whose is, okay? I'm I'm calling 'cause I'm trying to open up to you and see if we can fix this thing.
I see that you have a lot going on, 'cause I'm standing outside watching you while you ignore my call.
You know what? Forget it.
I-I think I'm I'm done with you for good.
Okay? For good.
All right, fuck it.
I'm coming in.
[CAN CLATTERS.]
Hey.
Hey.
You've been drinking tonight? You a cop? No.
Then go fuck yourself.
What's that in your hand? - The fuck, bro? - No, no, no.
Hey, I-I'm saving your life, possibly, and don't call me "bro.
" Give me my keys back, you douchebag.
Bro's good.
No.
Sorry.
I'm not gonna let you drive your truck head-on into a minivan and kill a whole family.
What truck? Isn't that your truck? Fuck no.
I'm on the motorcycle.
Are you an organ donor? Yeah.
Knock yourself out.
Where'd she go? So, it's like they say.
When you got shit in your mustache, the whole world smells bad.
Or terrific.
"That's a good share.
How is everyone feeling about their recovery tonight?" Thank you, Claire-bot.
Uh, you mind if I take over? Please.
All right, this, uh It was a good turnout tonight.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I-I had some shit to deal with.
Then I got an interesting text from Garret.
About? You know how we've been talking about the importance of change when something's not working for ya? - CLAIRE: Mmm-hmm.
- MUGSY: Okay.
It's just as important to keep doing the things that are working for ya.
This, in here, this is not working, all right? We got to go back to what was working.
We got a lot of people in here.
We got people out there that, God help them, they need stability.
So what are you saying? I'm saying let's get the band back together and go back to the church.
- Yeah.
- Fuck yeah.
- Right? - I'll get my van.
Yeah, yeah, we'll We'll scoop everybody up.
Let's do this.
Let's hop in my van and scoop everybody up.
I don't care if it takes all night, 'cause we're gonna be in the van.
- I call shotgun! - Or Instead of going in your stank-ass van, we could just text everybody.
Let's text everybody.
- CLAIRE: Hey! - STEVIE: All right.
You look like you could use a friend, friend.
Yeah, I guess.
I can tell you're a free thinker, and I'm not trying to sell you anything, except friendship.
Friendship.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
What What What do I do? Do I shave my head? Or do Where do I get a shirt like that? - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, sorry.
One One second.
[ANDY JENKINS' "GET TOGETHER" PLAYS.]
I-I'm sorry Sorry Mr.
Manson.
I-I-I Some other time, thank you.
You people got a lot of nerve coming back here.
Hey, Padre, can I get the bathroom key? Don't "padre" me.
We need our room back.
And since it looks like nobody's using it Nobody's using it because you abandoned the group.
And then you stuck me with that imbecile, who I let bring his cat in.
I can't get the piss smell out of the carpet.
Wait a minute.
I stuck you? He wouldn't exist except for you, Loudermilk.
This isn't Loudermilk or you, Father.
This is about us.
We need this.
[SIGHS.]
If I let you have the room back If I'm doing it for them, not for you, Loudermilk.
Here's what's gonna happen.
Nothing.
You will show up and leave on time.
You will keep your voices down.
There will be no smoking, no shirking of your duties, and no one will be referred to as "bingo bitches.
" The profanity will be kept in the room and to a minimum, because if you slip up one time, just one time, I swear I will burn this church down and join a satanic cult before any one of you sets foot in this place again.
So we're in, yeah? Yeah, we're in.
All right.
And, uh, maybe just write all that other stuff down for me, 'cause I, uh Can I get the keys? Yeah.
Lock up when you're done.
Thanks, Mike.
Seriously, I'm touching cotton here.
Thank you.
[MADISEN WARD AND THE MAMA BEAR'S "SILENT MOVIES" PLAYS.]
And, of course, you'll have pool privileges year-round.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- So, what do you think? Well, I think this place is gonna put some smileage on my face car.
Hey, do you guys do heart hugs here? How 'bout we just sing forever? Bring your hands close together, baby Ah, baby Ah-ah-ah When you talk they call you liar Sure don't know Join the choir, baby Ah, baby Ah-ah-ah Silent movies make more money So how 'bout we make more money, girl? Say whoa, whoa, girl When you dance they call you funny So how 'bout we get real funny, girl? Say whoa, whoa, girl Oh, oh-oh