Loudermilk (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

Cruel to Be Kind

1 I saw Ben and Memphis talking, and then he kissed her.
Did you really think you were going to be able to run off with my ex-wife and get married and never tell me about it? That was the plan, yes.
Ben is a good man! He's terrified of hurting you! Dude, get your shit together.
- You hitting that? - No, you kidding me.
I'm not ducking Allison.
We just haven't been able to connect.
You haven't talked to her since you boned her? That's not cool.
- Yes? - You're not Allison.
I should be thanking you for staying away.
It gave me time to think about what I really need.
- Which is? - A life with Carl.
My work here is done.
- Fuck you.
- This is not working.
We got to go back to what was working.
You abandoned the group! This isn't about Loudermilk.
This is about us.
We need this.
[DOOR CLOSES] Wh What the hell? - Hey.
Hey! - [COUGHS] - Oh, morning, sunshine.
- What the fuck? You trashed my room, man! Oh.
That That wasn't me.
That was the crazy chicks that I brought back here last night.
And me.
Wake up! Last call! Jack coke? I just dreamt about you.
[VOMITS] Man, you got to get your shit together, Loudermilk.
And you start by cleaning up my fucking room! [COUGHING] [DOOR OPENS] - [SIGHS] - [DOOR SLAMS] You alive? [FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZON PLAYS] [SIGHS] Fuck this shit.
[MUG CLATTERS] [SIPS] Claire, get in here.
What? I know the last roommate you had was a raging crackhead, so I understand that you might be up on the whole "considerate roommate" thing, but I feel like we need to set up some ground rules here.
So Chore wheel.
Didn't realize you were so crafty.
Yeah, I also knitted the refrigerator.
So here's how it works.
These are chores that on any given day one of us is going to be responsible for doing.
Why do we need this? Because I found a seagull in your room, and I want to take care of this before it goes and tells its friends.
Oh, fuck off, man! So you'll notice on my side, you will see tasks such as take out the trash, wash my dishes, pick up my clothes, things like that.
Your side I made a little simpler.
Why? You're so ridiculous! It's not even that bad in here! - It looks fine.
- Fucking disgusting in here.
I found socks in the microwave.
Yeah, I was drying them after I stepped in Mr.
Ellis' ferret piss in the lobby.
You put ferret piss in the microwave? I heat Hot Pockets in there.
No No wonder they taste like Ferret piss.
Now I got to write another letter to the Hot Pocket people.
Look, I'm not the only slob in here, okay? What about your "writing" stuff? I'm working on something productive, so that's a moot point.
You know what "moot" means? Clean up your shit 'cause you're a fucking slob.
I know what "moot" means.
God.
[SIGHS] What's going on with you, Loudermilk? I just told you.
I'm pissed off because your shit is everywhere.
No, it's more than that.
Something happened in New Orleans.
- Duh.
- No, not that.
It's something up here.
Ever since we've been back, you've been all, like, bipolar-y.
Seriously.
You don't leave the house unless you're going to meetings or you're going to work, and when you're home, you have your headphones in pretending to write or you're listening to Danger Mouse's Spotify playlist because Allison kicked you to the curb.
You're like a recluse.
I'm not like a recluse.
I am a recluse.
That's by design.
If you want to stay here, then you You got to figure this shit out because it's not working for me.
What if I don't want to stay here? There's the door.
You're the suckiest roommate I've ever had.
Really? Worse than the guy that married your wife? [SIGHS] [SIGHS] [DOOR SLAMS] Shit.
Good evening.
Hey, I'm sorry about the racket, Levon.
I'm just having one of those days, you know? You seem to have a lot of those days.
Yeah, well, you don't have any roommates or you'd understand.
I do not.
I live alone since my wife pass away.
Lucky bastard.
That's the life, right? Uh, living by yourself can be nice at times.
Yeah, I bet.
A solitary life is the life of a philosopher.
For sure.
And despite what society make you believe, you can be on your own and not be lonely.
Exactly.
On the other hand, if there's no one in your life, you could die alone, and no one would find you for weeks.
I guess that that's true, yeah.
- Yeah.
- And if you have a pet, it will almost certainly eat you after you pass away, out of necessity.
I'll allow it.
And then the pet would eventually die, too, and he'd be eaten by rats, probably larvae.
And that's why living alone isn't always a good thing.
Levon, is your lease month to month? No, I got a good deal.
Five years.
Awesome.
That's I got to run.
TONY: Bucolic is a misleading word, huh? What do you mean? Well, it means "beautiful and pastoral," which are nice things, but it sounds horrible, like "I got bucolic.
" It sounds like puke, colic, and colonic, all mixed together.
I think it sounds like a Serbian basketball player.
Okay, anybody else who wants to share? Yeah.
Uh, I'll go.
So, um, a buddy of mine invited us over to, uh, his place on Sunday to watch the game.
He has this great man cave set up, man.
You know, big-screen TV, keg, everything, right? My buddy's also a really good cook.
He made these, uh, wasabi hot wings.
This shit's hot enough to melt your balls off.
Uh, sorry, Claire.
But I didn't until I took a bite one of them, right? Now, he didn't have enough to drink on hand except for beer, and I can't risk taking a sip, right? So I look over, man, and I see his dog's water bowl.
I just dive in, man.
You know, I'm just drinking all that water, like the dog fur and saliva and puppy chow.
Just wash it all down, man.
Nastiest thing I ever did in my life, but I'll be damned if I took a drink.
All right.
You get him next time, Stevie.
- Just back on the horse.
- No, no, no.
Man, I I I didn't take a drink, man.
I didn't fall off that motherfucking horse.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I want to hear from Mugsy.
Oh, no.
I'm I'm good.
Yeah, you sure? Nothing out of the ordinary last night? Nope.
Typical, uh, Friday night.
Okay.
It's important to be open and honest in this group.
I I I know that.
Why Why am I getting the third degree? Okay.
What did you do last night? Uh, um, oh, I, uh, watched television.
Yeah? What did you watch? The, um Uh, Wild Wild West.
Yeah? The movie or the old TV show? TV.
Oh, you know, I follow Bob Conrad on social media.
He has a great feed.
Really, really great.
- I thought he was dead.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, here's his latest one.
"I don't care what the kids say.
"WWW will always stand for Wild Wild West.
"I miss Ross Martin every day.
" LOUDERMILK: So, here's what I think happened, Mugsy.
I think you had a tough week at work, and you went out to blow off some steam.
Before you know it, you had a couple of drinks, you lost track of time, and you woke up in the clothes you went out in.
Yeah, they call that the Irish pyjamas.
And then you came straight here.
How'd I do? Holy shit.
Oh Okay.
I had a little slip, but I didn't want to disappoint the group.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize to us.
Disappointment is what we're here for.
I went out with a couple of my old drinking buddies, and they're not exactly the best influences, and, uh, I might have had a A drink A couple of We had a few We had We did some drinkin'.
[EXHALES] Loudermilk, how do you do it? It's like you have a sixth sense.
Dude, he's got a fucking dart stuck in his head.
- LOUDERMILK: Yeah.
- What? - Whoa.
- The other side.
Other side.
- Ow! God! Ow.
- How deep is that in there? Pretty God damn deep from where I'm sitting.
It looks like it's hitting grey matter.
That's what she said.
[CHUCKLES] You know, I I had this copper taste in my mouth all morning.
Ow! Ow! God.
Best way to do it, man, like a BAND-AID.
Right off.
You can't lie to the group, Mugsy, all right? Owning up to what you've done is always the first step, okay? And you can't blame your friends either.
This is your choice.
This is about personal responsibility in everything, right? If you hypothetically If you were leaving your shit laying around in somebody's apartment, you should pick it up, hypothetically.
Or if you had a drink in New Orleans, and you never came clean to the group, maybe you should, hypothetically.
Whoa, whoa.
What What's she talking about? Let's not get off-track here.
We just had a guy with a dart in his head.
I think we should You said this was a safe space, right? Or is it not a safe space if someone's coming at you? I got to hide that Sober Friends workbook from you, don't I? Hey, cut out the bullshit, Loudermilk.
- What happened? - Yeah.
Okay.
You're Claire's right.
This is a safe space.
When I was in New Orleans, I had a shot.
I puked it up right away.
Okay, cool.
Five-minute rule.
No, it's not cool.
There's no five-minute rule with booze or drugs.
No, no.
Claire's right.
It doesn't matter that I puked it up.
What matters is that I drank it because I thought I needed it to get through something, and that tells me that I got a lot of work to do, and I always will.
What kind of shot was it? Was it tequila? No, it was It was bourbon, but that That's not the point.
Was it just great? No, it wasn't great.
It was horrible.
There was nothing great about it, okay? It means that a lot of you guys now have been cleaner for longer than I have, so I'm gonna have to rely on you and, um, I need you to get my back, okay? - MAN: Yep.
- All right.
Hey, Mugsy.
How's that head doing, man? Eh, it's starting to feel better.
- Oh, my - Shit! That looks like it hit an artery! Don't worry.
I used to date an EMT.
- CISCO: What are you - [EXHALES] Hey, man.
Can I have a sec? Well, I'm kind of off the clock.
- Okay.
- No, no, no.
Come here.
I'm fucking with you.
What's up, Cisco? I just need some advice, like lady advice.
You do realize that my ex-wife was stolen by my ex-best friend, and then I blew it with my ex-hot-neighbor, yeah? Yep.
You're still my best option, though.
[LAUGHS] That was Fair enough.
What's the deal? There's this girl I really want to ask out.
I just don't know how.
Just say, "Hey, want to go out?" Thanks, dude.
You make it sound so easy.
- Who's the girl? - Ah, just this girl from group.
- What group? - This group.
We don't have any Hey, hey, hey! Come here! You're talking about Claire? No.
You're not dating Claire.
No.
The two of you would be like Sid and Nancy.
Okay.
Here we go.
This is where you get mad at me for not knowing who Sid and Nancy are.
What are they, like, Muppets? Look.
Here's the deal.
Addicts dating addicts, recipe for disaster.
Because you slip up, she looks the other way, and then she expects the same thing from you It's a total shit show.
[SIGHS] She's the only one in the group that I have a connection with.
That's because she's the only one in the group with a vagina Most likely.
That's what you think this is about? Getting laid? What's wrong with getting laid? I like her.
What's wrong is you don't date people in the group.
Look, I'm a 19-year-old Latino male.
My life is half-over.
I need to start living, and besides, Claire and I both have our 90-day chip.
Isn't that how it works? Yeah, technically, but And where's your 90-day chip? Oh, that's right.
You don't have it anymore.
[SIGHS] [CLATTERING] - Aah! - Move.
Move, move, move.
What the hell, man? [EXHALES] There.
Okay, so I set off a flea bomb in your room.
What? I don't have fleas.
- Precautionary measure.
- All my shit's in there.
What if I want to change my clothes or something? Well, just take one off the lamp or the floor.
Get it out of the microwave.
You're an asshole.
[COUGHS] Hey, I, uh I saw you talking to Cisco during break yesterday.
Uh-huh? Are you just shooting the shit? - Yep.
- Yeah, bullshit.
- He was asking me out.
- Okay, look.
Cisco's a great kid, but he's got a lot of issues, and he's one slip away from a big fall, and I don't mean one of the Humpty Dumpty ones where I just put him back together again.
No, they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together.
Well, then, he's in worse shape than I thought.
[SIGHS] Look, it doesn't matter because I said no.
Well, good.
That's smart.
A-Addicts don't make for good partners.
But if I wanted to go out with him, I would.
God, Loudermilk.
Between all the cleaning the apartment shit and telling me who I can date, it's getting a little Amish-y around here.
I can do what I want.
That's your big mistake, all right? This is not about you.
This is about your recovery.
What? My recovery is about me.
You're always talking about taking responsibility.
Well, that's what I'm doing by making my own decisions.
You know what? Since I can't get into my room until tomorrow, I'm going to go for a night out.
Hey, maybe Cisco's free.
Aw, thanks, Loudermilk.
[DOOR CLOSES] All right.
Uh, anything else before we wrap up? I keep thinking about what those assholes did to Mugsy, and I think we need to do something about it.
What did they do? They threw a fucking dart in his head! He almost bled out! Okay, so what are we supposed to do about that? Nothing major, just rough them up a little.
Maybe shove a Foosball guy up their ass.
[CHUCKLES] That sounds like fun.
I haven't been in a good rumble since Since what? Since your sister dated one of The Sharks? Guys, come on.
Violence is not the answer.
What about wars? If we hadn't gotten into World War II, something tells me we'd all be speaking Chinese.
Yeah, well, I'll see your World War II, I'll raise you a Vietnam and two Iraqs.
Terrible conflicts, but we got some great movies out of them, though.
Hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y'all see Hurt Locker? Oh, Jeremy Renner's performance haunted me.
Guys, focus! All right? Going back for revenge is a terrible idea.
You got to learn to let things go and forgive.
That That's what we're doing here, remember? Now, as a guy who's been sober longer than our esteemed leader, I say forgiveness is bullshit.
He slips one time, and now you ain't going to listen to him? Well, you got to do something about it.
I'm with Tony.
I mean, think about it.
That kind of shit could put someone's eye out.
Exactly.
Who's up for this? Guys, guys, come on.
These are my friends you're talking about.
CLOUD: Friends? These so-called friends did a real number on ya! Listen, I know Gary, he has had it in for me.
And And I'm starting to get these bits and pieces.
Somebody was holding my arms.
Somebody was doing that, and somebody was jamming a dart in my head, and along the way, I lost my wallet, I lost my phone.
It It was Gary.
It was Gary and Leska! They jacked you for your phone and your wallet, put a dart in your skull? - Come on, son.
- Yeah, fuck you! No, not you.
Fuck them! - Fuck 'em! - That's what I'm talking about! I carry an ax handle in my car for just such an occasion.
I got a harpoon in my truck.
- It's untraceable.
- Really? There's that many harpoons? How about you, New Guy? You in? Oh, come on, man.
Hobbits are a peaceful-loving race.
He ain't gonna fight.
Hell, yeah, I'm in.
Hell, yeah! You mess with the bull, you get the balls.
MUGSY: Yes.
We're gonna get in my van, and we're gonna We're gonna shove some Foosball guys in their asses! - Hell yeah! - Yeah! Get 'em! Let's fucking do it! I'm taking my own car.
[CELL PHONE RINGS, VIBRATES] How the fuck did you get this number? I'm working.
You got to stop them.
What What are you talking about? They turned into an angry mob as soon as you left.
At 7:30, we're all gonna meet at a bar to try to find the guys who messed with Mugsy.
I'm I'm worried someone is going to get really hurt.
Yeah, you mean you? Well, yeah.
I can't get into a fight.
I have brittle bones.
What the hell does that even mean? It means my bones are brittle.
When I was in the second grade, I jumped into a sandbox and broke both my legs.
- Well, then, don't go.
- I have to go.
If I don't, they'll think I'm a sissy.
You are a sissy.
You broke both your legs in a sandbox, for Christ's sake.
Oh, that is not funny, Loudermilk.
It was horrible.
For six months, I had to go to school in a wagon.
All right.
Where Where Where's this place? - Kids called me Laura Ingalls! - Shut up.
Just text me the address where they're going, and if you get there before me, don't jump in any sandboxes.
So we don't have to think about the way I'm really stoked that you changed your mind about going out.
We're not going out.
- It's just a dinner.
- Of course.
Yeah, but I'm paying.
I got a pretty sweet deal on a Groupon, and later, if we want, we can get our teeth whitened with, like, 12 other people.
Cool.
I'll need much help to decide I'm sorry.
I didn't ask you.
How old were you when you lost your virginity? - What? - Like, your virginity.
Like, when you first got popped.
- You're really shitty as small talk.
- Me? You're the one not getting the ball back over the net.
[GLASSES CLINK] Feels good to sit down After years of standing up Do you miss it? Nah, I don't even really think about it much anymore.
Yeah, fuck yeah, I miss it all the time.
But that tray smells like heaven.
Oh, you know, in a cartoon, where there's the pie and the smoky finger saying, "Come smell the pie"? [SIGHS] I'm saying that over that tray right now.
Yeah.
Me, too.
But, um, things are better now, you know.
Being sober.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely better.
Were you ever into coke? Oh, yeah.
If somebody's offering it, sure, but it's kind of pricey for me.
I was about that crack and booze.
Yeah, I used to get high as soon as I started cutting up the lines.
I mean, before I even had any, and then It was just the anticipation.
It just And then I'd end up in the corner talking to someone I hate about how we got to hang out more.
Just Just stupid.
Well, yeah.
We should talk about something else.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, and are you ready to order, or are you just here for the bread and the water? Um I'll have the eggplant parmesan.
Excellent.
And you, sir? Surprise me.
Okay.
Two eggplant parmesans.
Dude, I just said surprise me.
I don't know.
Okay, guys.
We're not leaving until I get some answers.
All right, guys.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Come on.
- How did you find us? - What does it matter? This isn't going to end well, and we all know it.
All right, look.
What's What's the play here, Mugsy? You gonna go all Road House in here? Yeah.
Maybe.
Look, I don't know.
All I know is I can't let whoever did this get away with it.
- Why not? - Aw, I say we find the sons of bitches - and mess them up.
- ALL: Yeah! All right, Ahab.
Take it easy.
The Look.
This is your call.
You want to fight? Fight.
But just be sure you know what you're doing.
Hey! Hey.
I was in here the other night with, uh, Leska and Gary.
Have you seen 'em? [LAUGHS] Hey, hey, hey.
There he is.
It's Bull's-eye.
Hey, that's fucked up, man.
They're laughing at you and shit? Bet you didn't expect to see me again.
No, but we were hoping you'd come back.
We're missing a dart, and some of the regulars want to play.
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] That's funny.
That's a good joke.
Is the guy who did this in here? Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Where? 'Cause I want to kick his ass.
[LAUGHS] Well, I hope you're double-jointed 'cause it was you.
See the things that I do without you You seriously don't remember? You were challenging everyone to pool, but you didn't have any change for the table, so you bet some guy a buck you could hit a bull's-eye from across the room.
You threw the dart, it hit the jukebox, bounced off the ceiling fan, and flew back and stuck in your head.
Your buddies tried to get you to leave, but everyone wanted to take a picture with you.
A couple of guys were holding you up to take the photo, and the dart came out, and you insisted they put it back in for you.
Then you stumbled out of here without paying, and you left your wallet and your phone on the pool table.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Do you see? Do you see? No one can ever hurt us as badly as we can hurt ourselves.
NEW GUY: You guys looking for backup? 'Cause I brought a couple of friends for ya.
You got Romeo and Juliet, because when you mess with them, it always ends in tragedy.
Hey, Jean-Fraud.
Calm down.
It all worked out.
Good, good because today's your lucky fucking day, man! 'Cause when I get into a scrum, Romeo puts on their jammies, and Juliet puts 'em to bed.
- [BONES SNAP, PEOPLE GASP] - Aah! Aah! He has brittle bones.
[SIGHS] Well, I'm sorry.
This is kind of a shitty date.
All we talk about is drugs and booze.
I've been on way shittier.
Really? Thanks.
Do you want to listen to some music? I hate to admit it, but Loudermilk's turned me onto some good stuff.
Sure.
[BUVA'S SHE MAKES ME FALL DOWN PLAYS] Can I have this dance? Like in the movies and shit? - Are you serious? - Yeah.
I'm a shitty small talker, but I'm an awesome dancer.
Why not? I've been talking to myself I'm talking to me I'm in front of her So why can't she? Why can't she see? She's the best thing She makes me fall down So When did you lose your cherry? Let's just dance.
for me [HUMMING] [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] How did it go? Oh, I'm pregnant.
Ha, ha.
Seriously.
He didn't try anything funny, did he? Of course he did.
He's a 19-year-old dude.
And? And nothing.
Told him I wasn't ready for a new relationship.
We danced in the park a little and called it a night.
Danced in the park? You danced in your front park or your back park? That's gross.
Hey, listen.
I I just wanted to say that, uh, you You were right to call me out in group.
Really? Should I be recording this for posterity or something? I recognize that, uh That I I I push people away, and it's It's something I got to work on 'cause it only hurts me.
And I got to work on getting along with, uh, you and the world at large and, uh 'Cause I don't want a cat eating me when I die.
You know what I mean? I don't.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Twenty bucks says it's Cisco looking for another dance in the park.
Hey, Sam.
[JESSICA LEA MAYFIELD'S SORRY IS GONE PLAYS] I'm sorry, I'm sorry But sorry is gone I'm sorry, I'm sorry But sorry is gone I'm sorry, I'm sorry But sorry is gone I'm sorry, I'm sorry But sorry is gone Can't understand The way you feel It's safe to say I've never tried