Loudermilk (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

All Apologies

- Is that how it's gonna be now? You're gonna drink in the apartment in front of me? All right.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
No more drinking In the apartment.
Go throw with the guy.
- What? Why? - Look at him.
He doesn't have anybody to play with.
- Bye, Claire.
- Bye.
You set me up.
You paid this little asshole - to talk to me.
- No.
Hello, Memphis.
LOUDERMILK: Ben's the kind of guy who would steal his best friend's wife.
I was your ex-wife when I met him.
You're the suckiest roommate I've ever had.
Worse than the guy that married your wife? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Sam.
Benson to admitting.
Benson to admitting.
Hell of a night, huh? Mmm.
Bet you'll never guess what happened to me.
Yeah, I went and mistook my thumb for a tenderloin again.
You'd be surprised how often that happens.
I used to say I was all thumbs.
At this rate, I'll end up being no thumbs, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, nice bracelet.
What are you, a fugitive or something? Dr.
Richard Kimble, like, grunge edition, rock 'n' roll guy? Excuse me.
Miss? Nurse? H-How's my wife doing? I'm sorry.
The doctor will be out to speak to you when he's, uh When he's what? What's going on? Just Just be patient.
Everybody's doing the best they can.
I guess that's why they call us patients.
They should call us inpatients.
- That way, it would be - Dude, shut the fuck up.
Alexander to oncology.
Alexander to oncology.
Look, I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I think I might be able to help.
Hey, uh, I run a support group for people with drug and alcohol issues.
I'm not I'm not saying that you have one, all right? I don't know you.
That boozy vapor might just be your Your Jack Daniel's cologne or [CHUCKLES.]
Um Listen, man, if you ever want to talk, just Just talk, get some stuff off your chest - - Look me up, okay? Nice to see you again, Ben.
Hey, uh, whatever happened tonight, doesn't mean your life is over.
Could be just the beginning.
Get out.
Well, I-I am out.
No, outside.
I told you he was gonna be like this.
What Wait, you're in cahoots with this? No.
Loudermilk, he's got nowhere to go.
I don't understand.
Why can't he go home to my wife? Uh, ex-wife.
And if it's any consolation, she's She's my ex-wife now, too.
That's zero consolation because I don't give a shit.
Go sleep in your car for all I care.
I would if you hadn't have lit it on fire.
I wouldn't have lit it on fire if you hadn't fuckin' married my wife.
Oh, my God.
Dude, ex-wife.
Well, it's true, Loudermilk.
You weren't even married to her anymore.
How are you on his side? I'm I'm not on anyone's side, okay? You're the one who's always preaching about accountability.
Well, he's here to be accountable.
I don't hear any accountability.
All right.
Let's talk about it.
Let's be accountable.
You want me Okay, I'll go first.
I'm very sorry that I married your ex-wife.
- My turn? - Please.
- Fuck you.
Get out of here.
- No, you know what? - I'm not leaving.
- You owe me.
- I owe you? - Yeah.
- Oh, that's perfect.
That's fuckin' perfect.
- I owe you? - You owe me, man! I was there for you when you hit rock bottom! You had nowhere to go, and you called me, a stranger, a total stranger, and I kept you clean, man, all these years! - You weren't even clean! - Exactly! I-I was like Jesus, you know, just absorbing all of your sins by drinkingeth ofeth your wine.
I-I-I'm confused.
Is that before or after the passage where Jesus fucketh everyone's wife? Okay.
Sam, come on.
I I made a huge mistake, all right? I-I was drinking.
I wasn't clear-headed.
You were my sponsor, Ben.
You're supposed to give me guidance and support and friendship.
Okay, look.
I'm here admitting that I messed up.
Okay, Sam? Come on, I'm You're the I'm asking you for forgiveness.
Grovel somewhere else, fatty.
- Loudermilk! - Wow.
That's beneath you, dude, but that's fine.
I've always been just a little husky, but for you to bring that up, especially while I'm going through a divorce, that's just beyond the pale.
- Uh, okay.
- What Don't you want to know what happened with him and Memphis? I already know what happened.
They got drunk, and then they got drunk again, and then they kept getting drunk, and then the whole thing fell apart.
Pretty much.
So, I got a call from Cutter's sponsor.
Uh, he hasn't seen him in seven or eight weeks, and nobody seems to know where he is.
So if any of you have had any kind of contact or come across him or see him, you know, give me Give me a call, please.
Let me know.
On a lighter note, I brought a couple of Sharpies with me.
Uh, for those of you who want to sign my cast, we can please do it after the meeting.
You could line up in an orderly fashion, and just keep your writing as small as possible.
I want to squeeze a lot of them in.
Sorry I'm late, but this is my busy season.
Tax preparations? Tax preparation? I don't pay taxes.
I'm a bookie.
The NBA and NHL playoffs just started, which is my second-busiest time of year.
Hey, who do you like tonight? Celtics.
Laying eight and a half against Toronto.
Eight and a half's a lot, - and Ibaka's on fire lately.
- TONY: Doesn't matter.
The Garden's gonna be rockin' tonight, and Kyle Lowry's got a bad hammy.
Lowry's injured? I didn't read that.
I got sources.
Well, then can you put down a bet for me? - $200 on Boston.
- No, no, no.
I'm not doing business in here.
This is my happy place.
Uh, ca Can I catch you in the parking lot later? Absolutely.
Who you thinkin' of going with? Oh, Celts.
I never liked Raptors.
Did you fuck one of those, too? Okay, guys, we're barely functioning as a substance-abuse group here.
We're not turning this place into a sports book.
Gambling can be just as addictive as booze or drugs or poultry fucking.
Listen, I-I'm gonna bet on the game, anyway.
I might as well place the wager with somebody I trust.
CLAIRE: Do we actually trust Tony? I mean, use your heads.
He's a bookie.
That's like the third least-trustworthy profession, only behind politician and car salesman.
- Lawyers.
- Cops.
And prostitutes.
Total phoneys.
They're like, "Oh, I'm so classy," and then you wake up, and your dick smells like a sea lion pooped on it.
Oh, our people don't trust real-estate agents.
Well, that checks out.
But we do like to gamble.
Hey, put me down a hundy for Boston.
Yeah, me too.
Make it a nickel.
Uh, Boston on the money line $200.
Guys, think twice about this.
Loudermilk, we get it.
Gambling's bad.
But this isn't gambling.
This game is a stone-cold lock.
Right, Tony? Mmm.
See? Put me down for $20.
Okay, I'm gonna do $40.
- On who? - The winning team? All right, the Celts.
Jesus Christ.
TONY: All right.
So we're all on the Celtics Mugsy, $250, uh, Stevie, $200, - Claire $40, and, uh - Psst! Psst! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Uh, four boxes of Tagalongs.
There's three Thin Mints, two Do-si-dos.
My niece is gonna win that trip to Disneyland this year.
I hope you're not using our hall for gambling activities.
You know, the first people Jesus threw out of the temple were the moneylenders and the Pharisees, so angry was He to find His house of prayer turned into a den of thieves.
Three boxes of Thin Mints on Boston.
- You sure we can afford this? - For sure.
Pulling in those fat stacks from Sounds and Grounds.
Just don't go crazy, though.
We don't take in We project Good evening, everyone.
Oh, Jesus.
What? I'm just buying the guy a meal.
He's broke.
You couldn't have told me? I'm paying.
Remember, this is my night? More importantly, you promised you wouldn't do anything to ruin it.
It's a whole lot of nothing With everything in between You couldn't leave Waffles back at the mansion for two hours? Are you afraid he's gonna call his buddies for a poker game? Oh, I love those paintings, though, right? You know, with the You know, bulldog smoking a cigar? I mean, that's ridiculous, isn't it? [LAUGHS.]
For your information, she's a certified therapy dog, and she's more well-behaved than some of the patrons in here this evening.
E-Exactly what type of therapy is she providing right now? Emotional support.
Well, Waffles, a grateful nation thanks you for your service.
It's good to see you haven't changed much.
Still jousting with strangers over absolutely nothing - [SIGHS.]
- only you've added dogs to your hit list, so that's good.
First off, I've been giving dogs shit for years, and, second, she's the one who brought the God damn thing.
I'm just working him into the act.
Or is it like when we're asleep Have you folks decided? Seven, six - Could we get the check, please? - Right away.
Slow down, Sam.
Can I at least get a coffee first? I mean, ever since I quit the booze, it's my only buzz.
I'll wait outside.
CLAIRE: Oh, come on, Loudermilk.
You're acting like a baby.
Every day, you preach about owning up to your mistakes and asking for forgiveness, but when it comes to you, you can't forgive? I'm caught up in the middle [SIGHS.]
All I need is a little ol' Ben I accept your apology, and I forgive you.
I could be happy [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
That's That's awesome.
Thanks, man.
So I'm back in? Fuck no.
I forgive you of it.
Doesn't mean I have to live with you.
I didn't even want to have dinner with you.
I-I have a lot of friends who never screwed me over.
I'd rather spend my time with them.
- Name one.
- Huh? Name one friend who hasn't screwed you over.
I, uh There's, uh, - Felix from the record store.
- What are you talking about? Felix banned you from the record store for an entire summer once.
That's right.
Damn it.
I never screwed you over.
Yeah, you did.
You ratted me out to your mother when I was giving you that tough-love thing - when I first met you.
- Oh, what? - That doesn't - You see? She screwed you over.
She still lives in your apartment.
People screw each other over all the time.
Families hate each other, but they still live together in harmony.
You're not moving back in.
121-93! What a blowout! - Whoo-hoo! Yeah! - [LAUGHS.]
Papa's gettin' a brand-new hat! [LAUGHTER.]
I'm getting new shag carpet for my van! - GROUP: Ooh! - I'm getting a massage.
Happy ending? [CHUCKLES.]
Not for her.
- Ohh! - [LAUGHS.]
You guys seem pretty happy to see me.
- Yeah.
Come on.
- All right.
Roger, $500.
Stevie, $200.
Mugsy, a deuce and a half.
Ed, $69.
New Guy, $200.
Claire, I owe you $40.
Cloud, $100.
Cisco, $20.
This is like free money.
I don't understand why everyone doesn't do this.
- Whoo! Yes, gambling is a nonstop frenzy of fun and riches.
Nothing can go wrong when you start gambling.
- Can we, uh, get on with the meeting? - Uh, da, da, da, da, da, da.
Hey, Tony, who's your smart money on tonight? Listen to you.
"Smart money.
" I'm so proud.
All right, look, I have some inside medical knowledge that Phoenix's big man has a hinky knee, and he's keeping it a secret because of a contract extension.
Laying four and a hook with their big man down, I'm heavy on the road dog.
I'll go again, and double me up.
- Yeah, yeah, me too! - Me too! - Yeah, I'm in.
- Me too.
All right.
You're all in, double.
Oh, hey, Father.
I have, uh, a little something for the children of Seattle.
Bless you, young man.
- You want in for tonight? - Uh, no.
What do I look like, an addict? [LAUGHTER.]
ANNOUNCER: Lakers working it back inside, and they're coming up I can't believe you're actually watching the game tonight.
It's a good feeling to bet.
You know, it's not that different from drugs, but it's a safer high.
- There's another one there.
- Oh, really? - Unbelievable.
- Yeah.
The final score from Phoenix Suns, 98, Los Angeles Lakers, 84.
- No! - [SMACKS LIPS.]
What the fuck? Tony said it was a stone-cold lock.
I know.
What's the world coming to when you can't trust an alcoholic degenerate gambler? Fuck! All right.
Perk up.
It's like I'm sitting in a roomful of zombies.
- No Tony? We're going without him.
Speak of the devil.
Uh, put that bastard on speakerphone, please.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey, Tony.
You're on speaker.
Hey, "Mr.
Hinky Knee.
" TONY: Look, everyone, I'm really sorry.
Usually, the intel I get is pretty reliable.
If it makes you feel any better, I lost more money than all of you combined.
That does make me feel better.
Anyway, I need the money today.
This guy's up my ass.
Today? Like, you mean real soon? No, today-today.
Well, listen, I had like 30 bucks this morning, but I needed gas and doughnuts.
Yeah, yeah, I just paid the rent, man, so I'm tapped out.
You guys aren't hearing me.
We owe a crazy man a lot of dough now, today.
Well, how is that even possible? We just lost the bet yesterday.
I-Isn't there some sort of gambler's grace period? Normally, yeah, but, well, I've been kind of on a bad run, and I owe him for a whole month.
Yeah, well, maybe you should've mentioned that when you brought us all in on this, huh? I'm pretty sure I did.
Anyway, this guy, Hanky Klocko, he doesn't fuck around.
That's why I'm not at the meeting.
I can't even go back to my house.
I've been living in a storage locker for a week now.
Who the hell's Hanky Klocko? CHARLIE: I'll tell you who he is.
Hanky Klocko is a big player in the Seattle mob.
Charlie? What are you doing here? Wait a minute.
There's a Seattle mob? You bet your ass.
And my boss, Hanky Klocko, he's tight with all the families.
H-How the hell did you end up working with a mobster? I started in the mailroom and worked my way up, asshole.
Seriously, Charlie, how'd you get mixed up with bad guys? Hanky Klocko is a good man.
He gives everyone in the neighborhood turkeys at Christmas.
Okay, so he gives out turkeys.
Other than that, how is he a good man? Every Christmas, he has his guys pull up in a truck, and they pass out free turkeys.
Yeah, I got that.
The The mob kills people, okay? He's part of the mob.
How d How How is he a good man? I'm gonna say this slow for you Turkeys at Christmas! Listen, we all work for Hanky Klocko, whether you know it or not.
Me? I do collections.
You? You pay the bills.
And I also send messages, and here's one Hanky's not happy.
He wants four boxes of ziti plus the vig.
How tough can they be if Charlie's their bag man? You think this is funny, Fish Hooks? I promise you, you mess with Hanky, he messes back.
Hanky's gonna give you whiny douchebags until tomorrow, but then he's personally coming to collect.
- Tony.
- Jesus, Loudermilk! You scared the bejesus out of me.
You sure no one followed you? How the fuck do I know? Am I Jason Bourne? How's it coming with the money? You get it? Not exactly, but I told you, I got a foolproof plan to get the dough.
What's that? I got a milk carton full of albums in here.
Check 'em out.
Steven Seagal recorded an album? Nine, but I could only get three, plus a couple of Japanese imports.
That's got to be worth something, right? Including the milk crate, um 30 bucks? - I'm fucked! - [CRATE CLATTERS.]
No, Tony, the whole group is fucked, okay? What happens if this Klocko guy comes by the meeting room to collect? Well, that's why I'm in here.
Yeah, but what about them? - Who? - The group! Well, I don't have enough room in here, if that's what you're asking.
What the hell is he doing here? I live here.
You live here? Oh.
Yeah, you must not have heard.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
You didn't get kicked out.
You moved out to marry my fuckin' wife.
Oh, my God.
Ex-wife! Okay.
O So, how did the two of you get hooked up? Grindr.
- No.
- Claire.
She called me and said Ben needed a place, and I needed help with the rent.
Did you tell your roommate that there's a madman who's trying to kill you? Yes.
That's why he doesn't pay utilities.
Pretty good school district, too.
And he didn't require first and last so Do you guys even have a bathroom? Not regulation.
We got a coffee can with some Lysol in it.
Think you'd be better off getting shot in the head.
All right.
I'm gonna take a shit.
Little privacy, please.
It's not ideal.
My name is Hanky, and I'm an alcoholic, but that's not why I'm here.
GROUP: Hey, Hanky.
I'm looking for a deadbeat bookie named Tony and you welching motherfuckers.
Uhp! Get the fuck back here, fuckbag.
There's my seat.
Where's my money? Where's my fuckin' money? LOUDERMILK: Um W-with all due respect, Godfather, uh, this is a conversation for a different time and place.
We're We're a group of people here trying to work through our problems.
Oh, I see.
You guys are trying to get real, trying to make yourself whole.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to do that, too.
But if you don't pay me within 24 hours, it is gonna be really hard to make yourself whole again after I chop your fuckin' faces off.
W I-Is he Is he threatening us? Claire, pipe Pipe down, please.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought he was threatening us.
No, Claire Claire's right.
You You can't come in here threatening people's lives over, what is it, $1,100, $1,200? [SCOFFS.]
What have you been drinking? I'm owed 72 large.
You got a beef.
Charlie said we owed you 12 boxes of ziti.
We figured that was 1,200 bucks.
He's a kook.
What can I say? It's still 72 grand.
Well, most of the debt is Tony's, r-right, sir? You just worry about yourself, duckturd.
You want to sing and dance, you got to pay the band.
This is your final warning.
I'll be back tomorrow for my money.
Don't even think about running because it's just like booze for you guys Once you start, you can never stop.
- Yeah, can you connect me to the blood bank? - Can you please get me there stat? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
Whatever term you use, could you please get me there right away? Oh, it's the same place? Okay, cool.
Okay, I-I'll The fuck is duckturd doing here? He followed me home.
He's scared.
Is that my shirt? Yeah.
Your boxers, too.
He sweated through everything he was wearing, and he was shivering.
He's okay now.
He took a bath.
We have a bath? Oh, hi.
H-How much do you pay for a pint of blood? Oh, that's fair.
Um, what's the most I could give? I can't do two? Oh, I don't mind.
I could use the sleep.
Okay, that'll do.
Um Oh, hey, can you connect me to the sperm lady, please? New Guy, take my shirt off.
What? I'm trying to move some jizz.
MALE REPORTER: Seattle police are investigating - Yes, I'll hold.
- an abandoned, bloody car belonging to alleged mob boss Hanky Klocko.
- Hey, guys, check it out.
- We're switching live to Janine Ray on location.
FEMALE REPORTER: The investigators are reporting that a local businessman with suspected underworld ties, Henry V.
Klocko, is missing and presumed dead.
I'll call you back, Sperm Lady.
- Mr.
Klocko is well-known to authorities - That's our guy, right? In a Prius? That seems odd.
Mobster in a Prius? Now, Mr.
Klocko's blood-splattered vehicle right behind me here was found in the Sand Point neighborhood of Seattle.
Anyone with information is being asked to contact Seattle PD.
All right.
New Guy, I guess you can go home now.
Well, didn't they say presumed dead? Get the fuck out.
And you can keep my boxers.
But I want mine back.
Yeah, they're They're soaking in your kitchen sink.
A-Anyway, I feel really shitty that I put you all in harm's way.
But the good news is Hanky Klocko's dead, and our debt will be buried with him forever.
That's good news, that someone died? Well, yeah, that's the best bad news I've ever heard.
So, uh Did you do it, Tony? What? Kill the guy.
What? No! I faint at the sight of blood.
Oh, really? You seemed pretty comfortable when Mugsy had that dart in his skull.
That's because I was sitting down.
Guys, Tony didn't kill anybody.
Did you, Tony? Look, I was with Ben all night.
You can ask him.
It was Taquito Tuesday.
Besides, you all owed him money, too.
Hey, Mugsy had the most to gain.
You owed him 500 bucks.
Hey, fuck you, you little worm.
Where were you last night? I have an airtight alibi.
I was taking a bath at Loudermilk's.
Unfortunately, that checks out.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why was a grown-ass man taking a bath in your apartment? He shit himself.
Uh S-sorry, New Guy.
He shit himself, and you let him use our bathtub? You didn't even know we had a bathtub.
- Oh, my God.
- MUGSY: Hey, wait a second.
What about Roger? You bet more than me.
Me? Ha! I'm British.
Cloud, why are you so quiet? Well, I'm I'm always pretty quiet.
Why are you staring at the ground like that, then? Just embarrassed 'cause New Guy shit his pants.
Besides, if anybody's got the shifty eyes of a killer, - it's Ed.
- I do not! - Maybe it was blabbermouth Claire! - What? I was helping you with your shit pants, you idiot.
Why not Cisco? He looks like a punk.
Me? I'm not the one with the Silence of the Lambs van, Mugsy.
Hey, you leave my van out of this.
And how come nobody's talking about Stevie? Please, man! I ain't the one with an untraceable harpoon.
- For God's sake.
- Yes, that's right.
- First of all - You know what? - The fact - This whole thing started You were You were [ALL ARGUING.]
- You're a fuckin' loser, dude! - I did it.
- You're a loser.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Quiet! [ARGUING STOPS.]
Huh? It was me.
What was you? You know.
Killed him.
W I don't Why? You didn't owe him any money.
He threatened our group, my sober family.
- Who is this guy? - I don't know.
He's only been coming here a couple of years.
So you killed him? I thought it through from every angle.
It was our only option.
Or we could have paid him.
None of you had the money.
And he was a bad man, just like my dad.
I did it for you guys.
Needless to say, I'm hoping this can stay in the room.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No, my lips are Yeah.
See you guys.
See ya, pal! - [BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
- Thanks again.
We're calling the cops, right? - Absolutely.
- TONY: Why? So we all get busted for illegal gambling? Uh, 'cause he killed a guy.
- Well, to protect us.
- No! Not to protect me.
I was fine.
W-Well, we were all involved.
We We all owed him money.
Fuck Hanky Klocko! I say we let sleeping mobsters lie.
I don't want anything to do with this shit.
It's too late.
We're all guilty if we don't say anything.
W-What if we kill the killer kid to cover our tracks, like a hit-and-run with that bicycle of his? I mean, that'd be a justified kill, right? Oh, I'm not listening to this.
I don't want any part of this! O-Okay, Dexter.
Take it down a notch.
We're not killing anybody.
I'm not just saying, loose ends How can we turn him in anyway? Aren't our group conversations protected by that doctor-patient, white-male-privilege program? - Loudermilk's not a doctor.
- No.
Not even close.
But it is supposed to be anonymous, this group.
- Uh, we can't be snitches.
- STEVIE: You know what? He's bullshitting, trying to get some street cred.
You know, people do that all the time, brag about killing people.
- Who does that? - Everybody! Well, what if we turn him in? Do we have to pay back our debt? Oh, stop it.
Wh Are you all so blinded by gambling that you don't understand a man was killed by a member of our group? I'm calling the cops, and if you don't fuckin' like it, then that's on you.
- [SIGHS.]
Yes, I'd like to report a murder.
Yes, I'll hold.
I guess it just goes to show you y-you never really know anybody.
Yeah, we had a murderer sitting in our midst for all this time.
We had absolutely no clue.
That's because he never spoke.
Maybe we should have made a better effort to get him to open up.
Or maybe it's better we didn't.
Yeah, but when he did open up, that was one hell of a share.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Ah, hey.
You You're not in jail.
I mean, we We all heard that you'd been arrested.
Uh, so H-how are you here? They had to let me go.
No body.
It's really hard to prove a murder case without a body.
And I hid it really well.
Um, uh, does anyone know if there's a bathtub in this church? Love, love Love is gonna come as a photographer Yes, a photographer Yeah, yeah I need love So someone better bring me a photographer Yes, a photographer, yeah A flash A glimpse of perfect abs In flimsy floral dress Shows off her slender frame Enjoys a private stroll Love, love Love is gonna come as a photographer Yes, a photographer Yeah, yeah