Love Life (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

Danny Two Phones

[female narrator]
Throughout human history,
sex without love
has been prudishly regarded
as a shameful act,
and yet, still it happens
every single day.
Instructions say
washing it in a warm bath of milk
is the best manner to prevent disease.
That's no matter.
I, uh, use it frequently.
I will rinse it when I return home.
[narrator] With advancements
in prophylactic technology,
finally, there was a comfortable barrier
that protected
from pregnancy and infection.
I'll write you.
[narrator] And so
all that was left to suffer from
was the pain of unrequited love.
[narrator] Lately, Darby had been avoiding
the land mines of love entirely
by hiding out and exploring Pornhub.
Oh, God.
- Does anybody want breakfast? I'm gonna
- [Mallory and Sara moaning]
- [Sara] More!
- [Mallory] Pull my hair.
[Sara] Jim! Jim!
[loud moans]
Holy shit. Hi!
Oh, my God.
- What
- [Augie] How are you doing?
What are you doing in my neighborhood?
Well, I was getting some coffee here.
- Cool. Are you back in New York?
- Uh
- Did Politico send you back?
- Oh.
No, no. I I actually
I quit. [chuckles]
Okay. That's amazing.
- Hi, I'm Emily.
- So sorry.
- Hi.
- Um, Darby, this is Emily.
- Emily, Darby.
- Nice to meet you.
It's so good to meet you.
Um, what are you doing now that you don't
That you're not in politics?
- Are you gonna take up golf or something?
- [chuckles]
Uh, well, actually,
Emily writes short stories,
and we thought it'd be cool
to trick out a camper van
and drive around America, coast to coast.
Yeah, my thesis at Gallatin
was "The Road as a Trope,"
so I want to do more writing on that
- Cool, cool. Hmm.
- [Augie] She is an amazing writer.
[hesitates] What are you up to?
Are you still working at
Uh, no, I'm at the Whitney now.
- Wow. Nice. What are you doing there?
- Ooh.
- What am I not doing?
- I really I love the Whitney.
- It was so good to see you.
- You too. Uh, to Totally.
- Good luck with everything.
- Thank you.
- So good to meet you.
- So good to meet you too.
- Have the most fun, okay?
- You too.
- All right. See you.
- I live this way.
- Oh. Yep.
- [chuckles]
Babe, please, can you get dressed?
Do I have to come to the bris?
Mom asked us to get there early
so we could help her with the party.
Just tell her I'm sick. Please.
Oh, come on. It won't be all bad.
You know, the mohel, he's kind of famous.
He did Jake Gyllenhaal.
We go to your family's every weekend.
We were there 12 hours ago for Shabbat.
You have to come.
My mother got you almond milk.
Guys, something really bad just happened.
I ran into Augie.
- [both] No.
- Yeah.
First time in three years.
- How did he look?
- Great.
Yeah, he's in New York now,
I guess, which I would know
if I hadn't unfollowed him.
I wouldn't have been blindsided
wearing Crocs.
- No.
- You know what?
No one talks about the perils
of not cyber-stalking an ex.
- He has a new girlfriend.
- What the fuck, Jim?
Did you know about this?
No. I'm not his fucking biographer.
Yeah, he, um, he quit Politico,
and he and Emily are gonna, like,
travel America in a camper van.
- Ew.
- Yeah, and I'm just wondering what it says
that, um, he broke up with me
to pursue his career,
but then he gave up his career
for this new for this other person.
- Okay, baby girl, you know what you need?
- Mmm.
My coworker Eliza is having a barbecue,
and you have to come.
Gonorrhea Eliza?
Mal, I told you not to tell anyone.
Whatever. It's just gonorrhea.
Anyway, she throws an awesome party.
Babe, doesn't Eliza, like,
party enough at work?
James, we work at Webster Hall.
It's a music venue. It's our job to party.
Sara, seriously, we promised my mom.
What about what Rabbi Esther said
last week about tikkun olam?
We need to, like,
repair the wrongs in the world.
Darby needs me to tikkun olam her
with lots of free vodka.
You both are welcome to come.
I would rather go to a bris
than a barbecue.
[softly] Okay,
you don't know what you're saying.
- Just go get dressed.
- Okay.
[sighs] Do you think that
when Augie and I were texting,
he knew it was bullshit the whole time?
Like, was he placating me with emojis?
Why do you always think
of the darkest option?
I don't know, I just
I don't think that he's this freaked out
about running into me.
Time for some medicine.
Look, what you need right now
is a good, old-fashioned exorcism,
but instead of a priest,
it's a young, hot guy.
- Mmm.
- And instead of a cross, it's a dick.
- Whoa! No, no.
- Instead of holy water
Whatever this Catholic kink is,
please work it out with Jim.
Do some roleplay.
- Leave me out.
- Okay.
Whatever metaphor you want to use,
it's time for mama
to put on her big-girl pants.
Am I mama?
- Yeah, mama.
- Yeah.
What about this?
["679" by Fetty Wap playing]
- No. Mama. Wha
- [chuckles]
Look ♪
Baby girl, you're so damn fine, though ♪
I'm tryna know
If I can hit it from behind, though ♪
I'm sippin' on you
Like some fine wine, though ♪
And when it's over
I press rewind, though ♪
Hey, you talkin' bands
Girl, I got it ♪
All right. There's guys here.
And a lot of basic girls,
so you get in there, my beautiful weirdo.
Whoa, I didn't know
there'd be movie stars here.
[both laughing]
That dude wants to hit it!
That dude's wearing a gold chain.
You made it! Hi!
Wonder when she'll be mine ♪
She walk past, I press rewind ♪
- [upbeat music playing on speakers]
- This is fucked up,
but I wish Jim wasn't
so close to his family.
It's, like, constant.
[sarcastically] Yeah. It sounds abusive.
Look, if you went
to as many brises as I do,
you'd feel the same way.
I could, like, perform a bris.
- Oh, my God.
- Right now.
Find me a baby dick, and I'll do it.
I'll show you how it's done.
He's always like,
"Why don't you hold this cute baby?
It's so cute. Hold it."
And I'm like,
"I don't like the implications."
- The implications?
- Yeah.
That your boyfriend loves you
and sees a future with you
that involves babies?
- Do not guilt-trip me.
- I'm not.
He sounds like a monster.
Get away as fast as you can.
Mamaleh, where do you
want me to put the rugelach?
- Over there, on the sideboard.
- Okay.
It's a shame Sara couldn't come.
She loves my rugelach.
I know, but she got called into work.
But she sends her love.
You're killing your mother.
Auntie DeeDee is kicking her butt
in the grandkids department.
Okay, Dad, but you know
we're not ready yet.
Have one now,
we'll take care of it until you're ready.
Where is Sara?
I made that kale salad she loves,
with the cranberries.
She got called in to work.
She sends her love.
Sara's not here? It's your cousin's bris.
Sara, my girlfriend, she sends her love.
And you ♪
You want to feel it oncoming ♪
[narrator] Darby avoided mingling
by stalking
Augie's new girlfriend on Instagram.
And while years later,
she would come to understand
the often large gap
between the way
people present themselves on social media
- and what their lives are really like
- [sighs]
this stream of selfies
simply made Darby,
to put it colloquially, feel like shit.
What's that?
People should put their phones away
and have a good time?
Thanks. Give me my phone back?
- Sorry. I thought it'd be cute.
- Okay.
Don't take other people's shit.
Damn. All right. I said I'm sorry.
[song continues]
[upbeat music playing]
- Spin the bottle. Wow.
- Hi!
- Come here.
- Yeah.
This is what you should be doing now.
- [Sara] Mmm.
- [Darby] Yeah. He's cute.
- Oh.
- [Sara] Oh, my God. He's so hot.
- Fingers crossed. Good luck to you.
- Mmm.
- Okay.
- Have fun.
- [woman 1] All right.
- [woman 2] Love connection.
- All right.
- Wow.
That's for you, friend.
- This is fun.
- My lips hurt. Can you look?
[Darby] Mm-hmm.
- In a really nice way.
- Yeah.
Seemed like you were enjoying yourself.
Are you okay? You don't have to
I think I gotta go.
I don't want Jim to feel bad.
Sara, don't leave me here.
You know what?
You go forth,
and you get on that dick wagon.
[Darby] Mmm.
- It is your destiny.
- Very upset by "dick wagon."
- Giddyup
- Don't.
- You get on that little dick wagon.
- I don't like the voice.
Stop. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Okay. Just stay.
Have fun. Live for me.
Nice to meet you guys.
See you later.
- [dance music playing]
- [indistinct conversations]
[urinating, exhaling]
Hey. What the fuck?
Oh, fuck. Sorry. Can you not look?
Sorry for intruding on
your public urination, which is a crime.
[Darby] Yeah, all right. All right.
Oh, fuck! Is that a nail?
- What kind of
- You okay?
Yep. Just cut myself.
Oh, fuck, it's really bleeding.
Let me see.
It's fine, it's fine.
Oh, God.
Listen, my, uh
my apartment's right downstairs.
- You wanna clean that up.
- No, I'm fine.
Just, like, I'll find a towel
or a napkin or something.
You're gonna find a towel or a napkin?
[laughing] I don't know!
- Okay, yes.
- Okay.
Can I get cleaned up?
Thank you. That's a very sweet offer.
- I'm Danny.
- Hi, I'm Darby.
- Hi. [chuckles]
- I'm the idiot who cut her leg.
[Danny] This is me.
You better not try to murder me.
Okay? I'm armed.
Trying to blind yourself?
[chuckling] Jesus.
[Sara, enthusiastically] Hi!
[woman shushes]
[softly] Baby's sleeping.
[whispers] Sorry. I'm sorry.
- Babe, you made it.
- Yeah.
What a wonderful surprise.
Jim said you had to work late.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know,
the entertainment industry.
Just out there saving lives.
- Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
Can I get you something to drink?
I have your almond milk.
Oh, you know what? I'm good. Thank you.
I tell Jim every day, Sara,
you're the only thing he did right.
I tell him that, too, Diane.
Oh, my God.
How was the bris?
Everyone except Todd
seemed to have a good time.
- Great.
- Do you wanna hold Todd?
No, I don't want to
I have to use the bathroom anyway.
He loves being rocked.
I was gonna get a plate first.
[Jim] Are you sure?
Yeah. I'll come back after.
Stop it.
- All right.
- Aah.
- Sorry.
- Fuck. Fuck!
All right. [blowing]
Uh, I don't think that it's gonna scar,
but, um, maybe put,
like, aloe vera on it for a week.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
Still fucking hurts, though. Jesus.
I got ibuprofen.
You shouldn't take it on an empty stomach.
You had food tonight?
Um, I had a Bloody Mary
that had celery in it.
Uh, how about I make you a little plate?
I got nice olives, I got mozzarella.
- Yeah, okay. Sounds good.
- Yeah? Great.
So what's the deal
with this creepy empty room?
[Danny] I used to live here
with my girlfriend.
When she broke up with me,
she took all the furniture, so
[Darby] Damn, that sucks.
Oh, you got two phones.
So, um, you're a drug dealer.
That's actually a very hurtful stereotype.
[chuckling] Sorry, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
All right. Here we go.
Whoa. This is very artfully arranged.
- Yeah. I used to work at a deli.
- This is amazing.
- Okay.
- Good? Good?
Sit. What do you want?
The bed? The lawn chair? You got options.
I guess the lawn chair's
better for digestion.
All right. Lawn chair it is.
- Wow. Dinner and a show.
- Sorry.
I get crazy OCD with the chin-ups.
How many do you do, like, every day?
Uh, like, 100.
- Actually, like, exactly 100.
- What?
I got a lot of nervous energy.
- A hundred?
- That's not that many.
When we used to do those
presidential fitness tests,
I couldn't even do one.
I would get up there and I would hang.
- You could do a chin-up.
- I absolutely cannot.
Come on. No.
Petite people are good at chin-ups.
That's a very hurtful stereotype.
[chuckling] Come here
and put that down for a second.
I can't.
- All right. Hop up.
- "Hop up"? Really?
- May I?
- That's offensive.
- You good?
- Yes, please.
- [grunts]
- There you go.
- One.
- One.
You got one more.
- I can't!
- All right.
Have to do an even number
or the world will blow up.
- Is that how that works?
- There you go.
- Whoo.
- Wow, your hair smells really nice.
Oh. Thank you.
Yes, I I have this, um,
hair mask thing that I use.
[Danny] Hmm.
I can't even look at rugelach
without gaining ten pounds.
Come on, Ruth.
You look like you're about to blow away.
Am I gonna have to force feed you
some of this lox?
Oh, you really know how
to make an old broad's day.
- [both chuckle]
- How you been?
- Ah, I'm hanging in there.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I redid the bathrooms.
- Okay.
I don't know why.
They're gonna stick me
in a home soon enough.
Stop it. That is not true.
I've been going downhill
since Richard passed.
- He was the real life in the house.
- Hmm.
Do you know I never cooked a meal
since two years into our marriage?
He got so tired of my terrible cooking.
He, he said one day,
"Step aside. This is my job now."
I remember. You told me that.
And he never made me feel guilty about it.
- Mmm.
- Yeah, he was a real winner.
Fifty-five years of marriage.
Well, I hope to have that
with Jim one day.
- Sara
- Mmm-hmm.
Let him go if you don't want him.
Life's too short.
I love Jim.
So what do you do?
Um, I work at the Whitney Museum.
Whoa. Fancy.
- Yeah, I guess.
- My God.
I'm a, uh, curator.
Really? God, that's crazy.
You know, I've never been there before.
Never been to Ellis Island,
either, I guess, but
I'm a junior curator.
Hey, you're the only person I know
with a fancy job like that.
It's awesome.
Yeah. It's not a big deal.
Um, what do you do?
Uh, long-term, me and my cousin
are in the process of trying to start,
like, a bagel shop, so
I love bagels.
You know, you're very beautiful.
And look, sorry if I was a little rusty.
It's been a while since Bri.
Oh. How long has it been
since you guys broke up?
Three years.
- Okay. That's a long time.
- I know, I'm a freak.
That's the deal with the second phone.
It's got her voicemails on it
from before she fell out of love,
and I don't know
how to transfer the messages,
so now I'm paying for two phones
like a fucking tool.
That's a sad story, Danny Two Phones.
Danny Two Phones.
That's I like that. Yeah.
You should get rid
of that phone, you know?
Like, it's holding you back.
Start over. You'll feel better.
[chuckles softly] I guess you're right.
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
I should delete this shit.
I should just I should move on.
- [Bri] Baby, I'm stuck at work right now
- Oh, man.
- No, no, no. Don't do this.
- Oh, man.
- Stay with me. Come on.
- Oh, man.
Hey, listen. She's not coming back, right?
- You know what? Fuck Brianna.
- Yeah, fuck Brianna.
- Fuck Brianna.
- Never liked her.
I'm throwing this shit out the window.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God, are you actually gonna do it?
Oh, my God, am I actually doing this?
- Dude, I believe in you!
- Okay. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna do it.
All right.
- [grunts]
- [yelps]
- Ho, ho, ho! [claps] Whoo!
- Holy shit!
Nothing but net!
I'm Danny-fucking-One-Phone now, baby!
- Yeah, you are! Oh, my God!
- [laughing]
How do you feel?
- God, I feel fucking great.
- Yeah.
- I feel like a weight's been lifted.
- Yeah. Good.
[breathing heavily]
Hey, do you believe in fate?
Because I feel like
I met you for a reason.
I mean, even at that party,
you stood out to me,
and I took the D train today.
I never take the D train. Never.
- What does the D train have to do with
- "D" for Darby.
Oh. Or "D" for Danny.
- No. No, no, no.
- Or Dalmatians or
I met you for a reason, and it's
Oh, my God, It's fucking crazy
how your whole life can change in a night.
Hey. I'll hold him.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay, sit, sit over there.
- [Sara] Okay.
- You want me to sit?
- [Jim] Yeah.
[Todd fussing]
- He likes to be upright.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- All right.
[Diane gasps] He loves you.
Oh, my God, babe, you look so hot.
I gotta I gotta Instagram this.
Hold on.
So cute.
- Do you smell that?
- No.
- For real?
- Yeah.
I think he I think he pooped.
- It's getting so late.
- Oh.
- I know, I hate to
- No, no.
- I I understand.
- Yeah.
And I, you know,
I have work in the morning.
Right, right.
Hey, do you know
do you know Andrew Dice Clay?
- No. Who's that?
- Oh, my God. He's this amazing comedian.
He's got a show on Saturday,
and, uh, you know,
we could do dinner beforehand.
I got my cousin's car.
He's out of town for the whole month.
So you wouldn't have to take the train.
I could swoop you. Say yes.
- Um Oh, Saturday's not good.
- Oh, man.
What about Friday?
Friday's bucket hat night
at the Mets game. That'd be amazing.
You know what's so fucking crazy?
This is so fucking crazy.
I'm sorry I didn't say anything before.
I'm actually moving
to Cleveland on Monday.
- You're trading the Whitney for Cleveland?
- Um
Yeah, they offered me this big job
at the, um, Cleveland Museum of Art,
and, um, this party was kind of
like my last hurrah in the city,
and I [sighs]
I should've said something before,
but I didn't want
to ruin the kind of vibe.
Damn. [chuckles]
- [exhales]
- Yeah, I know.
I finally met someone good.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no. I mean
Don't be sorry. No.
I'm really glad I met you.
Yeah, me too. Me too.
I should really get going, though.
Let me give you a ride home.
My cousin's car's a BMW.
Oh, no.
I'm, like, right by the subway, so
Bye, Danny.
Good-bye, my little Thumbelina.
Hey. Good morning.
Oh, you were up late.
Yeah, um, things got interesting
after your spin-the-bottle dude.
[Jim] Hey, gals.
Care to join me on a run?
[both] No.
All right, fine,
then I am listening to Serial.
So how was it?
I fucked the gold chain guy.
- Yeah, definitely a one-time thing.
- [laughs]
What up, Casual Darby?
Yeah. One-time thing.
One-time thing. I, like I don't know.
I got to be this whole other person,
and I told him that I was a curator,
and I, like, inflated my whole life
'cause it felt really good
to have somebody look at me
and think that I was, like,
so impressive and just,
like, "Oh, my God. Wow."
Yeah, well, lying is
a really powerful self-help tool.
I also told him I was moving to Cleveland.
Oh, my God.
It was in self-defense.
I was worried
he was gonna get obsessed with me.
- Poor guy.
- Yeah.
I mean, poor He'll be fine.
He got to fuck me. Like, he'll live.
- True.
- Yeah.
[narrator] The encounter with Danny
had boosted Darby's wounded ego
and given her a much-needed
bounce in her step.
She went on with her life,
giving Danny very little thought,
as men had so often done to her.
[elevator dings]
[softly] Shit.
- Danny!
- Oh, my God.
- This Wow.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Uh
What happened to Cleveland?
Did you change your mind?
No. Um No. I'm going.
Uh, the apartment I was renting,
like, it's been so crazy.
Um, the landlord, you know.
- Like, you know.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- Um
So are you the curator of headphones, or
Yeah. Uh, yeah. [laughs nervously]
Just working. Just
What are what are you doing here?
After we met, I just
kind of wanted to check this place out.
I mean, I know I don't really know you,
but, um, I still felt proud,
and, uh, I thought this might
make me feel closer to you
even though I knew
that you wouldn't be here,
except here you are.
[elevator dings]
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[laughs uncomfortably] It's wild.
Hey, uh, do you want
to grab a bite after work?
Um, I have a dinner thing tonight,
um, but, uh
You know what?
I remembered I have to grab something
from my cubicle, um,
but it was so good to see you.
I get it, you know. I'm not an idiot.
- What do you get?
- You're lying.
My whole family's liars.
I can tell when someone's lying.
Is Darby even your real name?
Yes. I'm Yes. It's Darby Carter.
Okay. It's just
You're the first person I touched
since Brianna. You know?
I'm That's a lot.
I don't It was a moment.
Haven't you ever been
caught up in a moment?
I'm not a moment.
I'm a person,
and I helped you when you were hurt.
You, like What'd you do?
You used me like some kind of sex robot.
I thought guys wanted
to be treated like sex robots.
- Nice. That's really nice.
- Okay.
I'm sorry. This isn't a big deal.
Like, we slept together one time.
I don't owe you anything.
I get to decide who I fuck
and who I love and whatever.
Fine, you don't owe me anything,
but you still fucking hurt me.
Darby Carter,
whoever you are.
[narrator] In truth,
she knew exactly how he felt,
and she hated hurting him.
I'm sorry.
[narrator] Still, it was nice to know
that she could be the one who left,
that she could be the one who got away.
[Emily] Yeah, I made an account.
Staying at a hotel defeats the purpose
of the camper van thing.
- Not every night. Just some nights.
- Okay.
Every night in the van?
That's gonna be intense.
[Augie] We're camping.
Of course it's "in tents." [laughs]
- Get it? "In tents"?
- [Emily] Yeah. No
- Augie.
- So good.
- Hey, guys.
- [Emily] Hey.
Oh, my God.
I'm surprised you are still in town.
- Oh, we leave tomorrow.
- Be in Taos by Labor Day.
- Amazing.
- How's everything? How's the Whitney?
- Or the MoMA?
- No, the Whitney. Um, it's great.
I've gotta run. Like,
ironically, I have a job interview.
- Nice.
- Cool.
- What are you interviewing for?
- Um, it's this assistant gig,
but it's at an auction house,
which could be fun.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Good luck to you.
- [both] Thank you.
Tomorrow's the big launch?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Amazing.
- Out on the road.
- So exciting.
- Bye!
- See you.
[Emily] Hi.
I will have a chai tea latte.
["Can't Do Without You"
by Caribou playing]
I can't do without you ♪
I can't do without you ♪
I can't do without you ♪
[Emily] Babe. You gonna help me? Come on.
I can't do without you ♪
I can't do without you ♪
I can't do without you ♪
I can't do without you ♪
I can't do without you ♪
I can't do without you ♪
Previous EpisodeNext Episode