Love Me (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

Mm, yum.
Thank you.
Thanks for staying here last night.
When's your Dad coming back? Why? I was thinking, maybe we could have a little party? For my birthday? What, here? Mm, I'm turning 27.
It's a pretty big one, you know? Saturn returns and all that.
Um, isn't that 29? Um, I'm pretty sure it's 27 to 29.
- Mm? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Um I don't know, I just you know, with Mum and everything.
Um Yeah.
It's fine.
I just thought, you know, 'cause your Dad's away having fun- He's not having fun.
Maybe it would be really nice for you, you know? It might cheer you up a little bit.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Just a few people.
Yeah? - Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
Just up the stairs.
What have you got to lose? When are you meeting him? He's already here.
Could be a sociopath.
You're the sociopath.
Go in! Just let me do my Oh, hey.
He's seen me.
Okay, um, I'm gonna go now.
Okay, good luck.
- Don't be weird.
- Okay, bye.
No, I won't.
Oh my God.
- Heya.
- Hi.
Still drunk? - Yes.
- Hmm.
I promise not to vomit.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
I'm sorry, am I late? No, you're not.
I'm early, pathologically.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are we ready? Oh.
Ah, yep, sure.
I Oh yum, I'll get the chicken burger, but instead of the slaw, can I get fries, please? - Mm-hmm.
- Great.
Burger and fries.
Can I get the five grain salad and can I get the dressing on the side, if I can? - Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
Can I look at the wine list, please? Yeah.
Not on call today.
Drink for you? Mineral water, thanks.
Yeah, me too, actually.
Great, so that's two mineral waters.
Thank you.
You okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm great.
I'm great.
Okay, a date.
How do we do this? Oh, I don't know.
Probably why I'm single.
Small talk.
How many kids do you want? Pardon? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm shit at small talk.
Um yeah, no, that's big talk.
Very big.
- Yeah.
- But why not? Sure.
One? Two? You? I love kids, not all kids.
Some are a bit- Ugly, like proper ugly.
My friends, they just had a kid.
He's giant, looks like Harvey Weinstein.
I'm not kidding.
But, yes, yes to kids.
Not sure I'll be very good at it, but anyway.
Ah, one sec.
What's happened? Yeah.
Excuse me, can I get a glass of Sauv Blanc, please? Yeah, no worries.
If I see one more man holding a giant fish.
I don't care about fish! And then you meet them, and they've been to Lake Eildon once.
They're not even fishermen.
One guy, his photo was him standing next to a sold sign at an auction.
Like what's that? "Oh, I have a massive mortgage"? I don't know, it sounds like there's a lot of size metaphors going on.
I mean, maybe, maybe that guy was a real estate agent.
That's worse.
That is worse, because what, am I supposed to put up a photo of me putting a man to sleep? Maybe I should do that.
Right, right, okay, yes, yes.
I was trying to figure out what kind of doctor you were.
So you're an anesthes anethe anethsese? Sorry, I can't.
I can't even say it, that's pretty embarrassing.
- It's- - Aneth- No one can say it.
- It's fine.
- Okay, thank you.
- Yep.
- Nah, forget it.
Okay, this is probably a dumb question, but when they say that they put you to sleep, you know, it's not sleep.
- Totally different to sleep.
- What happens, what happens? When you sleep, you process memory, you feel pain.
If I pinched you, you'd wake up.
Right, but the way anaesthesia works is it interrupts the pathways of communication between your neural networks, so I can poke you, prod you, cut you open but because the neurons aren't talking to each other, you don't feel pain, you don't move, you don't form memories, etcetera.
Does it make sense? Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
- Keep going.
Okay, ah, and then when you're awake, everything's talking to everything, so you can feel and taste and touch and experience consciousness.
Have I explained it? Yeah.
Yeah, wow.
Bit long for a bio, though.
Well, I've got great pics.
Oh yeah, what are your great pics? No, they're all um they're all just like self-consciously candid, just to distinguish myself from the pouters.
Which is something I don't understand.
How are we not laughing at that anymore? When did that become a legitimate photo face? That's a joke.
It's a dumb model joke face.
Like, "How hot am I with these tense lips?" "Mm, mm, mm.
" And now everyone is aspiring to look like these models with their empty eyes.
It's embarrassing.
The photos aren't real, you know.
You have to meet people.
And voices, they're important, too.
They can be really off-putting.
Yours? Yours isn't.
Oh, phew.
Okay, enough about me.
What do you do? Bet I can pronounce it.
I am a model.
No you're not.
What? A model? Mm-hmm.
I mean, no, it's not that you're not handsome.
You're very handsome.
Um, it's just that Wow.
A model.
You're holding again.
Let go.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Okay, then, take your time getting up.
And- Thank you for visiting our couple's massage.
Thank you.
That was that was that was that was terrific, thank you.
I had a bag.
Oh, we took it back to your room.
Oh, ah, well, it had my clothes in it.
Oh, apologies.
- One second.
- Okay.
Whoa, nice view! Oh, sorry, beg your pardon, I was just Oh, hi.
Ah, we met.
I'm staying here.
Well, not here.
In the room.
So we're next door to each other.
Oh, I'm Anita.
- Oh, hi, ah, Glen.
- Hi.
One size fits all, apparently.
Can you take it back? Oh no, I didn't buy it.
I got it at the couple's massage.
How does that work? What, you've got one masseuse working on both of you? No, no, you get one each.
But I got two because my wife died.
Not during the massage.
A couple of weeks ago.
I'm very sorry.
No, no, it's not your fault.
Well, I'm going to try the facial this afternoon.
Oh, I think we have one of those booked for tomorrow.
Well, then, I'll have to come and knock on your door and tell you if it's worth going.
Yes, please.
Well, nice bumping into you, Glen.
That's his actual job.
Full-time model.
What, like catalogue? Catwalk, international.
- Ooh! - That explains the salad.
Anyway, I asked a few questions.
He's not friends with Kate Moss, so I was like, "Okay, bye.
Gotta go to hospital, see ya.
" Was he well dressed? Yeah, out of the leggings.
Was he funny? Sort of.
Laughs a lot.
Bit dumb? No, got all my jokes.
Your highbrow jokes? - Yes.
- Oh, okay.
So then why- I'm not gonna date a model.
Who dates models? I won't be with someone who won't eat hot chips.
All right, well, so how model is he? Come on, show us.
Surely there's a picture of him somewhere out there.
Has he got a website? Do you subscribe? Come on, oh, oh, hello.
Yep, that looks like a model.
Oh, all right.
He doesn't love doing his shirt up, does he? What's the K stand for? Oh, I forgot to ask.
Another red flag.
He drove you to the hospital, okay? He waited with you, and he kissed you after you vomited.
Ugh, I would not do that.
Yeah, weird.
He's not a full model.
He's like ugly beautiful.
Oh, he's not ugly.
So how'd you leave it? He texted me after, "Are you okay?" That's good.
I need a poo.
Oh, please.
Thank you.
Love you.
And you need to call him.
Hey Siri, call Peter K.
Yes, call Peter K.
Calling Peter K.
No, no, no, no! Oh, God, I didn't know.
Like he's not going to be completely self-obsessed and superficial and constantly exercising.
He's a model.
Okay, doctor.
We've literally been everywhere and I still can't find a present for her.
It might make it easier if you knew anything about your girlfriend.
Look, I know you don't like her.
I like her! I do.
Seriously, I do.
I just You have nothing in common.
I mean, what do you talk about? Well, I mean we don't do a lot of that.
Oh! I'm kidding.
I don't know.
I mean, opposites attract, and I'm in love with her so Thank you, thank you.
I just don't want to get her, you know, something expensive.
I just want to get her something that says Says that.
You're not getting a tattoo.
Cool tatts.
- Hi! - Oh, hey, hi, hi.
Oh, I just had the facial.
Do I look any younger? They said it would take off at least seven years.
Now that you mention it, yes.
Well, you should definitely have one tomorrow.
Oh, okay.
Well, I have the couple's package so I can take off 14 years.
You look very nice.
The jacket.
Oh, thank you.
Are you off to dinner? Yeah, well, soon.
Would you like to have it with me? Sorry, you'd probably - rather eat alone.
- No, no, no, no, no.
No? I'd like that.
Okay, I will just go and get changed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll see you in there.
Yeah, great.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Ah, you haven't ordered a drink.
No, no, I was waiting for you.
Ah, well, that's very polite, thank you.
What would you like to drink? Well, what do you prefer? No, no preference.
Well, you must like something.
Well, yeah, perhaps a red.
Oh, excellent.
Ah, we'll have a nice bottle of red please, Vikash.
Certainly, we have an exquisite Merlot.
Um maybe not a Merlot.
Well, no.
Maybe a Shiraz.
Yes, we'll have a Shiraz, please.
Thank you.
You been here before? No.
How did you know his name? Ah, his name tag.
You're a funny one.
So who are you? Um, I'm Glen.
I know you're Glen.
Tell me about yourself.
I don't know, I'm just like anybody.
Ah, so you're not a salesman.
Well, that makes a nice change.
Where the forests miss the winter and the devils kiss the river I'll find you under winter-kissed pine with a glass of island wine.
Well, you're a lovely writer.
No, that's dreadful writing.
Is it? Okay.
But they love stupid poems, and it's the easiest way to get noticed in 25 words or less.
And it worked, 'cause I'm here.
I mean, I couldn't afford this on a novelist's wage.
Oh no.
Oh I mean, I'd never even think to enter a competition.
Well no one does, that's why I win.
You've won things before? Oh yeah, yeah.
I've won a trip to New Zealand, and I went to Broome.
I had a glamping holiday and - Oh! - And um Oh, I've got lots of things for the house.
I got an air fryer and a Kitchen Aide and oh gosh, I've got way too many appliances.
Mm, no, no, thank you, thank you.
And for your lovely wife? Oh no, this isn't my wife.
I'm his mistress.
I'll have his too, thanks, Vikash.
Don't you love that sound? Thank you.
Can you believe he keeps asking you what I want? What are we, back in the 1950s? Well, I think some of us are.
What do you think their story is? How do you mean? Don't you ever try and fill in the blanks? You know, occupational hazard.
Okay, so Okay.
John and Jeanette, mm-hmm.
This trip is a Christmas present from their kids.
The only problem is, they can't stand each other.
But they're so co-dependent they can't be apart, and they couldn't bring themselves to tell the kids because they all chipped in.
They all look so miserable.
Have a go.
- Oh, no.
- Go on, go on.
- No.
- Have a go.
- No, no.
- Just have a go.
- It's so easy.
- No.
I'm not like you.
I'm not very good at these sort of things, really.
- No.
- Go on.
Go on.
All right.
Um He's called Tom.
No, ah, Tony.
He's 65.
He's married.
So why is he eating alone? Mm.
His wife was in a car accident a couple of years ago and she lost her, um she lost her left arm.
Um Um, but that's not all she lost.
She lost her she lost her will, she lost her sense of humour.
It's like she she um um you know, his wife, that is.
It's like she couldn't find a reason to keep going, so, if he could change places with her he would.
You know, he just wants to say the right thing, but he just wants to make her laugh, but he can't, you know.
You know, he just wants to make her happy again.
That is a prosthetic.
Actually, that is amazingly lifelike.
That is top of the range.
That- You would never tell that that is not real.
Apparently she bought it in Peru.
Why did you let me eat the whole pizza? Can you die from bloated? I think I'm gonna die from bloat.
Hi, can I leave something for someone who works here? It's just a little present.
Um, absolutely.
Sorry, who was it for? And if they're not working, can I have it? Hi.
Do you know each other? Actually, I have appendicitis and I'm pretty sure I need a general anaesthetic from an anesthetist.
Oh, hi.
We've been understaffed and I haven't had time for anything, to do anything, at all.
Yeah, yeah, it's all good.
Oh, I've just been working a lot.
So I got you this.
Thank you.
Oh, um, shit, did I misread this? I'm sorry if I did.
It's just for the first time in a long time, I felt like I actually connected with someone.
And I thought that we had a good time, but maybe- Oh no, no, it's not it's not that, um um If you're not interested, that's totally fine.
I'll leave you alone.
But um, I like you.
And I don't meet people that I like very often.
Is that- They need us in theater three.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, sure.
What'd he say? That was intense.
He said he likes me.
Well, that's clear.
Mm-hmm, he hasn't connected with anyone in a long time.
And he bought you the good stuff.
Take them away from me.
I mean, give me one more, and then take them away.
Ella! Ella, it's me! Oh, hey! Lux bought me a little, um a little birthday present.
Do you want some? No, I'm good.
You wanna I've got a present, too, so.
Aw, you're so sweet.
Don't laugh, he's so sweet.
Look at him.
You're sure you want to- Ah, bro.
I'm not your bro, okay? She's had a shitload to drink.
What's funny? Just relax.
She could end up in a fucking K-hole.
- Oh, babe.
- Have a beer.
Oh, can you get out of my room? Okay, can you not talk to them like that, please? Just chill, all right? It's a birthday present.
Oh, for fuck sake.
Oh, okay.
No, don't throw up.
Get out.
Get out of here.
Oh ew, it's a sick bed.
Get the fuck out of here! Everybody just get out! Get the fuck out, okay? Come on! Last drop.
Here's to ill-fitting robes.
I'm gonna take a dip.
What? Oh! Come in! Oh, it's fantastic! Come in! Come on! Okay.
Oh, it's beautiful! Excuse me, sir.
Oh! I'm sorry! Shh! You should have seen your face! You should have seen his face! Hey.
Why did you stop at a kiss? You like her.
Why did you stop there? Don't say that.
Maybe she's more your type.
She's light and impulsive.
Stop it.
You're not even real.
Did Ella like the tatt? No, I didn't get to I'll just show her in the morning.
They were fucking in my Mum's bed.
I know.
I'm sorry.
You should you should go home.
Are you sure? I'll put those in our bin.
Oh, so how's it going? How's the resort? Well actually, it's quite stylish in its own way.
Oh, so you're having fun, then? I mean, you know what I mean.
Not fun, but Mm.
Well, you know, yeah.
Hey Dad, why don't I get Aaron on the other line? Oh, okay.
Do you need me to hang up? No, no, no, no, I'll hook us up, three-way call.
Hang on.
Hey, I've got Dad on the other line- - No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
- I'm gonna hook us up.
Okay, now we can all hear each other.
Hey, Dad, ah how's the fancy holiday? Well- It's more of a rest than a holiday.
No, actually, actually, yeah, it's quite relaxing.
But how are you? What have you been up to? I can't really hear you.
I can hear you, Dad.
Can you hear us? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can hear you both.
He can hear us, Aaron.
No, you're breaking up.
I'll just go.
Okay, bye Aaron.
No, no, he hung up.
So now it's just two people on a three-way call.
Technically, that's just a call.
So what have you been doing? Well, ah, well, I got the couple's massage.
I hope they gave you double the time.
No, double the hands.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, two masseurs.
But actually, you know, it was really good.
I thought, "Why have I had so few massages in my life?" I was really quite tight.
They had to keep telling me to relax.
Oh, that would make me more tense.
But you know what? I think I was I was pretty scared, actually, about you know.
Thanks for making me take this trip, sweetheart.
Okay, well, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
You know, being scared's a silly reason not to do something.
Anyway, look, you're probably busy.
I'll let you go.
Okay, I'll call you again soon.
- Okay? - Okay.
Yeah, I'll talk to you soon, Dad.
All right, darling.
Bye-bye, bye now.
Thank you, Dad.
- Okay, thanks.
- Bye now.
Thanks, bye, bye.
Hello? Hi, ah, is that Peter? What'd you say? Peter? No! Oh.
Hello? Peter.
Oh, hi.
Hi, can I come up? Hi.
Um, I've just come to say that, um This thing is probably not a good idea.
No? No.
We're just too different.
Yeah, that's true.
You're not my type.
I don't like funny.
Oh, well, I prefer attractive men, so.
I don't care if it's old-fashioned.
I just want a relationship and I want a kid and I don't want to waste time with someone who's not right for me.
I totally agree.
I don't want to be with someone unless they're all in.
Is that a sex pun? Just a happy coincidence.

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