Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Not your first time in therapy, then? No, no.
Yeah, I tried it before, but it didn't stick.
Not to cast aspersions, but my last therapist sort of suggested that I masturbate outdoors.
I can't say I've ever given a client that advice.
Did, um Did the fresh air help? Not really, if I'm honest.
Our profession used to send patients to Switzerland to "take in the mountain air.
" And that was a euphemism? I'm not really sure what they got up to.
It is rather a dull country, so it's not unlikely that they, um Anyway, let's talk about you, Luke.
What can I do for you? Well, um I, uh What I wanted was to fall in love.
You know, butterflies in the stomach, birds singing about me in the trees.
You know, the works.
But, um Uh, well, now, um Now I'm terrified.
- Oh, you're fucking kidding! - Jesus.
Leaf mites! Sorry, is this how you usually work? - So, you wanted to fall in love.
- Yes.
Yeah.
And why is that a problem? Well, 'cause I don't want it to make me feel bad, you know.
And if it does make me feel bad, I don't want to slip into old habits.
Which are? Okay, number one The whole leaf is crawling with the little fucking bastards! Could you please do your job? - Which is? - Well, I don't know.
Why are you in my office? I told you, I don't want to feel bad.
But pain is inevitable, Luke.
There's nothing I can do about that.
Not one tiny little sausage.
I'm wasting my time here, am I? That's not for me to say.
I mean, you're certainly not wasting my time.
£60 an hour, cash or check.
Anyway, shall we keep going? I guess I just didn't expect to feel like this.
I'm gonna get the drinks in.
Birthday boy? - Champagne, baby! - One beer for Luke.
Anyone else? - Jonesy! - Hey! Hi! - Happy birthday, bad boy.
- How's it hanging? Well, if I had one, it'd be massive and hanging rather nicely, don't you think? Hey, I'm Maria.
- She's not.
She's Jonesy.
- Abigail.
So you're Abigail from Dylan's list.
Evie, were you on that list as well? - Yep.
- Well, I was just a maybe.
- How'd you manage that? - Shall we go to the bar? In fact, do anything instead of have this conversation? I actually need to borrow you for five minutes.
There's someone I want you to meet.
- Really? Who? - Step into my office.
- I don't actually have an office.
- Who the hell am I meeting? I don't need you to meet her.
I just need her to see us in action together.
Um, do you remember Miranda? - The girl from the band? - Correct.
I think she's the real deal.
I mean, she's talented, we get on.
She's apparently in no great rush to sleep with me, which indicates she's got good taste.
- But you're not introducing us? - No, I need you to cry.
- Actual tears? - Can you do that for me? - How does this get you - Glad you asked.
The idea is that you look sad, all right? And I comfort you, and then you look grateful to me for my words of wisdom or whatever bullshit I said, okay? Her songs are very, very emotional.
It's gonna show I've got real game in that department.
- Come on, dude.
Is she looking? - No.
And, honestly, nothing's coming.
I don't honestly feel like crying.
Come on! It's my birthday.
Give me the gift of your tears.
- But I'm not sad! - Oh, please.
There must be something on your mind.
Something painful, awkward and haunting.
There always is.
Give it to me, baby.
Dig deep.
Okay, there there is something.
Of course there's something! Abigail's story at the festival I snuck into the event where she was reading it, and she'd asked me not to be there.
That made you sad, the guilt of doing that? No, no, it's more like I think the story had something to do with her and Evie when they first met.
But I'm not sure.
It's on my mind.
Shit, dude.
She specifically asked you not to go to the reading? Yeah.
- Uh I don't know.
- Neither do I.
Oh! This is good stuff! You look pensive and sad! - This is a really big deal for me! - So is Miranda for me.
Just go over there and ask her out.
Are you fucking nuts? I can't do that.
Nobody does that.
Everybody does that! - It looks like we're arguing.
- We are disagreeing! Please.
For me.
Okay? Think about dead rhinos.
I don't know.
Whatever gets you wet.
A really fucking weird way to get into the party spirit.
Okay, all right, she's seen how sad I am.
Come here, dude.
Aw, gosh, Dyl, are you kidding? Is this now 'cause I'm actually sad or are you still trying to impress her? It's 50-50, but, you know, in a good way.
Thanks, buddy.
You're the bestest.
Okay, I'm gonna go now.
Luke.
- Oh, hey, you.
How's it going? - Your friend all right? My friend? Oh, Dylan.
Yeah.
You know what, he's going through a tough time, and he just, uh He needs a bosom to cry on.
Okay.
Uh, this is my band.
James, Pete and Ben.
- Oh! Hi, band.
I'm Luke.
- Hey.
- Word.
- Word? Can I get you a drink, Luke? Uh, yeah, probably not actually, mate.
Cheers, I'll stick here So A friend of Miranda's without a drink? Uh, I don't think so.
Come on.
You know, you really don't have to buy me a drink, James, Pete - Ben.
No, I'm not buying you a drink.
- Okay.
Miranda is a lovely, trusting girl.
She probably swallowed your performance back there - My performance? - Don't bother.
Okay, touché, I like Miranda.
Yes, well, we all do.
You're a loyal friend.
You've got her back.
That's cool with me.
I'm not aiming for a quick around-up-over-and-in with her.
I think Miranda and I could be together as a thing.
Hmm.
We all do.
You all want me and Miranda to get together? No, we all think of ourselves and Miranda like that.
- I'm in love with her.
- Jesus.
And so is James.
And so is Pete.
There is a queue, Luke.
You're at the back of it.
Oh, I don't think I am.
That little routine earlier? That was just an amuse-bouche.
I haven't even brought out the appetizers yet.
And tonight Well, tonight, I'm bringing the whole tasting menu.
And I've got some lovely finger food.
I hope you're hungry.
Still want that drink? Delaying tactic? Yes, it is.
But I will buy you a drink.
Okay.
Well, in that case, I'm drinking champagne.
- I'll buy you a beer.
- Beer sounds nice.
Listen, if you're doing the whole wingman thing, -do you think you can help me out? Yeah, I'm not actually any good at it, so - Hey, did it work? - Only time will tell.
Everybody, this is Ben.
He's my love rival.
- Hello.
- Hey, Ben.
Well, I'm not entirely comfortable with that label.
Ooh, I don't care.
We're still figuring things out, so give us time.
Come on, Ben.
- I'm just gonna nip to the loo.
- Oh, I'll come, too.
Okay.
- It's nice being out together.
- Yeah.
Can I just say I really did like you when we met.
I actually gave my email to your manager.
You're kidding.
Mmm.
Prick! If he'd actually given it to me, I would have got in touch.
I can't believe how long I ended up working there.
It was supposed to just be a summer job while I finished a book.
Eventually, I was like, "I'm not really a writer, am I? At the very best, I'm a receptionist-slash-barmaid with aspirations to do more typing.
" So, what did you do next? I handed in my notice and tried to start on stuff that's smaller than a book.
Like a haiku? Yeah, exactly! I've reached short stories now.
Hmm.
Does that mean you have to write a novel next? Yeah.
Have to.
There's only so much walking back as a run-up you can do before you're just walking in the opposite direction.
Yeah, I've definitely been there.
Oh.
At risk of me turning out to be transphobic, might you possibly have got a bit lost? The gents' is out of order.
There's a sign saying I have to share with you.
My apologies.
And welcome.
Hmm.
I've met a better class of individual at these basins anyway.
I'm Rob.
Are you ladies here together? Are you hitting on us in the ladies' toilets? - A little bit.
- It's a bit opportunistic.
I was making pretty good headway with this one.
Oh.
Well, we're actually a couple.
- Remember that? - Yes, I do.
That's not normally something you'd forget, is it? No, indeed.
Are you actually a couple, or are you playing the whole lesbian card? We love that card.
We read it aloud at our wedding.
Yeah, it was a special day.
Right.
Well, thank you very much for wasting my time.
- Bye, Rob.
- Bye, Rob.
How many cards do you reckon there are in total? Uh A dozen? The grieving card is particularly potent.
Because they think you'll cry on them.
- Uh, do you guys know each other? - Uh, no.
- Hey, I'm Miranda.
- Oh! - Oh? - No, uh, Luke's mentioned you.
In passing.
Uh I'm gonna get you that drink.
Beaten to it by my good friend Ben.
You're gonna have to up your birthday game, Evie.
- Oh, it's your birthday? - Uh-huh.
Is it actually your birthday? - How are you doing? - Uh, good.
Me and Abigail were talking about the first night we met.
It was funny.
You guys pretended you were seeing each other, right? Did she tell you the story? Kind of.
Yeah.
I'm gonna get a drink.
I'll be back in a sec.
Hey, everybody in the gang.
Luke, I need you.
Afraid I've got a bit of a delicate situation here, Jonesy.
Don't be such a selfish prick! I'm trying to get laid.
What do you need? So could you pretend to be my cousin or something? What's the angle? - He's very family-minded.
- Mm-hmm.
I think he's got me down as someone who's only after a fling.
- Which you are? - Yeah.
He's quite boring, but very pretty.
I just don't feel I can let it go.
I completely understand.
I'll talk about the joy you take in large families.
You're a gem.
All right, here we go.
Hey, look who I've found.
It's Luke.
I'm her brother.
I thought you had two sisters.
Uh, technically, Luke is my cousin, but he's always felt like a brother to me.
That's right.
Such big families, we have.
Can't barely make out a cousin from a sister these days, what with all the comings and goings, and so on and so forth.
What are you doing here? Here? I'm touring me Irish dancing.
Blessed with the flying feet.
- Will you have a Guinness? - No.
No, don't need one.
Is something up? Um, yeah, we Uh, look, we need to talk.
You do this quite a lot.
Worrying me with that serious face of yours.
At least give me a kiss.
That's a bit half-hearted, but go on.
Um I, uh, heard I heard your short story at the festival.
I wanted to hear it, and, um, I thought you were just being shy about me being there, so I showed up, and I listened to you read it.
Right.
What'd you think? It's really good.
Um, yeah.
- That was a bit sneaky.
- I know.
I know.
There's a character in your story who's, um, in love with their best friend, - who's drinking with the bartender.
- Yep.
Was it based on Evie? Was Evie in love with me back then? Did she tell you as much? Um I don't know if it's for me to say.
Is that why you didn't want me to read it? - Yes.
- Because? Because it wasn't my story to tell.
Not like that.
And I didn't think you'd ever Will you excuse me? Before you showed up, which has obviously been really wonderful for me, Christian and I were talking how our families are the bedrock of everything.
'Tis true.
We love to get together and eat and share stories and have a little dance.
Will you see me demonstrate some steps for you? - I'm fine.
- You should come for supper! - Meet the whole family, so you should.
- In Ireland? What are you doing next weekend? We'll take you to the Galway Bay for a stroll and a walk before lunch, and then afterwards take a little tinkle through Dublin's old town.
- On opposite coasts? - Yes, exactly.
What part of Ireland are you from? near the horn of Cork, the trees Lovely to see you, Luke.
We shouldn't keep you from your friends.
Lovely to see you.
I'm gonna kill you.
That was top-notch stuff.
Now no funny business with my cousin now, Christian.
She's a good Catholic girl.
Nice to meet you, Luke.
- Hey.
Can we talk? - Okay.
Is everything all right? The first time we met, you were in love with Dylan.
That's putting it quite strongly.
Evie Sorry, this is the most awkward I've ever felt.
Worse than breaking it off with Mal? That's a low blow.
Is it all related? Mal was great.
He just wasn't He just wasn't right for me.
- Are you in love with Dylan? - No.
Please.
Yeah.
I, uh, probably I am.
I think I am.
I haven't said anything.
How long have you been in love with him? Um Before Mal, maybe two years.
- And you never said anything.
- What are you doing? I'm trying to understand why I am.
Dylan really likes you.
I know.
He said he loves me.
Well, then, there you go.
Then again, he lied to me about sleeping with you.
I thought he was sparing me my blushes.
I don't know.
I think I need a cigarette.
This guy's maddening.
Thanks to Luke, I'm now locked in an argument about whether being a virgin is a wonderful thing or not, when neither of us is a virgin anyway, and we could be having sex, instead of standing there talking about not having sex.
What's with you? You look like you've eaten a bad prawn.
I'm fine.
It's just, um I've been waiting a really long time to have this big talk with someone, and I think I just had it with entirely the wrong person.
How big a big talk are we talking? Huge.
Well, can you still have your big talk with the right person, or is it kind of a one-shot deal? I don't know.
Hold up a second.
Let me get this straight.
Not one of you knuckleheads has ever made a move on her? - It's not time.
- It's too soon.
Okay, fellas, this situation is clearly unworkable.
A three-way standoff like this is almost always gonna end up in betrayal, possibly murder.
Ah, we've seen off handsomer guys than you.
Yeah, remember Josh with the elegant hands? - We ruined him.
- Yeah, we did.
All right, I'm packing more than hands here, boys.
Dude, what are you doing? Me and the fellas have a little romance rhombus going on.
We're just figuring out the rules of engagement.
- Do you even know Miranda? - I know her enough.
You say you want things to change, but sparring over It's like you and Ilona all over again.
Dude, what is with you? Look, I'm sorry.
Just ignore me.
I'll catch up with you in a bit.
Hey, Dyl, I'm gonna win this thing.
I'm gonna win it for the team.
So? I want you to tell me the truth about Evie.
I have done.
We slept together twice.
The first time we met, and then just once more after that.
And that's it, I promise, that's Have you ever been in love with her? I know this is hard to talk about, but you have to be honest.
- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
All right, I liked her that way - for a while.
- When? - When what? - Oh, come on.
When did you fall in love with her? A year ago.
Less than a year ago.
After we slept together I gave up on stuff for a while.
I was in a bad way and she It woke me up to her.
When she was with Mal? Yeah.
And then she got engaged and so - And so? - So, that was that.
- When did you stop loving her? - That's an impossible question! But you can see why I'd ask it! When you When you called me, when you were calling everyone Yeah, I was trying to move on.
And then I succeeded, and so here I am.
That's not a very long time ago.
No.
I know.
She still loves you.
Look at your face.
I asked her, straight out, and she couldn't kid herself that she felt the same way about Mal.
This isn't my story to tell either, is it? But I think that you two have loved each other for a very long time, but just in the wrong order.
That's how it seems to me.
And if there is still one percent of you that still loves her properly And there is.
I know it.
Abigail First name on your list alphabetically, wasn't I? It's just gonna hurt in the morning.
I'm gonna buy a packet of cigarettes.
And they will be smoked.
Look, we should talk about There isn't anything to talk about.
You're not a bad person.
Nobody is.
But I just This was good.
And, um, I hope things work out for you.
Bye, Dylan.
Should I abandon this fella of mine, do you think? 'Cause he is a lot of hard work.
Sorry, Jonesy, I wasn't concentrating.
Sorry.
- What am I doing? - Christ, not you as well.
Dylan asks one little question, and the whole entire edifice crumbles.
And I see it, I do.
I barely even know Miranda.
But as soon as there's competition, as soon as it's a game, I'm like a greyhound.
You know, see the rabbit, run, run, run.
This isn't moving on.
This is just doing what I'm good at.
I am good at stuff that's terrible for me.
Oh, wow.
Everything's gone extraordinarily heavy tonight.
I am craving anything lighter than a nervous breakdown.
So, come on, you.
Let's see these Irish steps of yours, you shameless ham.
- Do you want to dance? - Yeah, I want to dance.
Evie, do you mind? No, no.
Let's do it.
I'm in love with you.
Can we get out of here? There's a lot to talk about.
I know.
Make a start tomorrow?