Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s03e05 Episode Script


1 [CLATTERING] Angus? We need a family meeting.
- What? Why? - We're worried about you.
- I'm fine.
- You keep cleaning the kitchen.
I don't think observing basic hygiene constitutes a crisis.
You've reordered that spice rack three times, dude, in a week.
[ANGUS] I'm trying to find the right system.
Yeah, alphabetically? By seed size? By cuisine? It's a conundrum.
Are those the problems you want to focus on? Yes.
How can I tell you're here The way you are? How can I tell you're here The way you are? [CHUCKLES] Evie, is this the worst day of your life? - [JONESY CHUCKLES] - It'll be fine, my parents are easy.
Uh, well, when I hear, "I want you to meet my parents," what I actually hear is, - "It's time to break up.
" - Mm-hmm.
I've met them before.
Not as Dylan's future wife.
He's their only child, a golden child.
It's not a "meet the parents" night.
It's a surprise anniversary party.
Even more pressure.
How can you possibly live up to their epic marriage? I'm getting freaked out now.
They'll just give you too many hugs or something.
Which, uh, by the way, is how Dylan ended up hard as nails and ready to kill, growing up on these mean streets.
[LUKE CHUCKLES] [ANGUS] Thirty years of marriage, though.
- I only managed three.
- Plus an engagement.
Only lasted a couple of months.
Thanks for the reminder.
[JONESY] Aw, think yourself lucky, Curly.
Marriage is a religious plot that makes women lose hope in sex and focus on cooking.
- That's well-established.
- Amen.
Someone making dinner for me sounds nice.
Could you do something useful.
Put nibbles out or something? Uh, I'm not hungry yet, so [DYLAN] Not what I'm saying.
Come on.
You're here to help.
We're running out of time.
I don't want the surprise to be that we failed to organize a party.
[BOTH] Ooh.
[SCOFFS] Peter.
[LAUGHS] - Look at you.
Is that stubble? - Yeah, I started shaving.
That's my big news.
Um, this is Evie, my girlfriend.
- Evie, this is Peter.
- Hi.
One of Julian's old business partners.
I have the scars to prove it.
[EVIE] Pleased to meet you.
- That was a metaphor, by the way.
- Yes.
There was no actual violence.
I mean, he was quite disorganized.
Um Where did you dig up these people? Yeah.
Um, I got Mom's address book, and I basically called everyone.
- Everything all right? - [CHUCKLES] Martha Wells is here? Right? - Did your parents ask her to come? - No.
It's a genuine surprise party.
I don't want to sound alarmist, but I don't think your parents'll be thrilled to see her.
A bit of bad blood there.
- Oh, shit.
You're kidding? - Nope.
Uh, they're about to arrive.
Do you want me to talk to her? I'm told I'm emotionally intelligent.
Oh, no.
Um, it should be me.
Uh, which one is she? Yeah, just gone inside.
Teal blouson.
Green dress.
Sort of stuff Australians would drink.
[CHUCKLES] Hilarious and true.
Fortunately, I brought my own.
- [CHUCKLES] - Fleur de la Clarisie.
- You likey? - Very muchly.
Provençal Rosé, - the best kept secret.
- Absolutely.
Picked up a little parcel of it down in Avignon.
So, as you can imagine, I was indecently pleased with myself.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] [PETER HUMS] And with a heavy hand, Mother, - thank you very much.
Life is too short for cheap wine.
- I couldn't agree more.
- Peter Melrose, hi.
I couldn't help but notice you arriving.
That is one fine piece of machinery.
1969 Morris 1000 Traveler.
Elegance without compromising on boot space.
The absolute dream.
First thing I bought after I got divorced.
I'm divorced as well.
Angus, let me tell you, the best thing I ever did was get divorced and start living life for myself and myself alone.
[CHUCKLES] Now, I think this should stay a secret, don't you? - Yeah.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] - [STUTTERS] What do I say? - I don't know.
Just ask her to leave.
- But why? - Because the bad blood? Do I use that exact phrase? I need a minute.
- You're over-thinking this.
- No, I've under-thought it [CHATTERING] Man, my grandma's funeral was wilder than this.
- Mm-hmm.
- My family are all raging alcoholics.
I am knocked sideways with astonishment, Jonesy.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] I find this so weird.
I mean, why celebrate putting up with someone for 30 years? No one said they had to spend 30 years with each other.
It's like congratulating two people for holding hands and jumping off a cliff together.
[SCOFFS] Are you I don't disagree this shindig could do with a little je ne sais quoi.
Any ideas? Full sex? Keep talking.
- That's all I've got so far.
- Sold.
Now, riddle me this, will we be back in time for the parents' arrival? Well, that's down to you, tiger.
I will be exceptionally swift.
Borderline premature.
- If we miss them, we miss them.
- All right.
Leonardo da Vinci, Sir Isaac Newton, Voltaire [CHUCKLES] - what do they have in common? - Uh, venereal disease? [BOTH CHUCKLE] - All bachelors.
- Hmm.
Badge of honor.
Who knows? If Newton had been married, we might not have gravity.
- Aye! - [BOTH LAUGH] - Don't you miss your wife? - I have no regrets.
Now she's remarried, get on perfectly well.
Now, I just hope she's as happy as I am.
And you aren't afraid of, uh, dying alone? [SIGHS] "Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life.
" [ANGUS CHUCKLES] Bertolt Brecht.
[CHUCKLES] - Do you read the Germans? - Oh.
[IN GERMAN] Does a bear shit in the Alpine woods of Bavaria? He does if he's eaten too much Black Forest gateau! [LAUGHING] [CHATTERING] You really don't have time to have a crisis about this.
[CHUCKLES] Excuse me.
Dylan! [CHUCKLES] You don't remember me.
Last time I saw you, well you'd wet yourself, basically.
It's not a great story.
I'm Martha.
Hi and, uh, well, welcome.
Well, here's the thing, um, Martha.
I invited a lot of people to this party, obviously, without consulting my parents 'cause of the, uh, surprise nature of the beast.
I was just wondering actually how some of those relationships are? As in, how we met? [STAMMERS] More the other end of things, actually, um just, um struggling to place people.
- Well, it has been a long time.
- [LAUGHING] I think we're wondering how people are related to Julian and Janie.
I'm not related to either of them.
- Oh, related in the broader sense.
- [ANGUS] They're coming! Hide.
Just hide.
Oh, should I follow you? No, actually, could you just hide from them? Um, like everyone else, but in another room and don't jump out.
Really sorry, I've gotta go.
- Get down, get down.
Home sweet home.
[SIGHS] There's only so much beachfront yoga I can take.
[JULIAN] Shame.
I thought we might go upstairs, and put a few of those new poses to the test.
- [JANIE] Who needs upstairs? - [JULIAN] Mmm.
[KISSING] [JULIAN MOANING] Just to be clear, we are talking about lovemaking, aren't we? I'm as sick of fucking yoga as you are.
[JANIE] Shut up, get your trousers off.
- [PANTS UNZIPPING] - [JULIAN] I am absolutely rock hard.
Surprise! [BOTH GASP] "Hip hip!" No? [EXCLAIMS] Dylan? Surprise! Happy anniversary! - [ALL] Surprise! - Ah! [LAUGHING] - Get over here, Dyl! - [JANIE] Oh.
Evie! - [JULIAN] Get over here, Dyl - [JANIE] Aw.
Look at everyone.
Thank you.
Told you they like to hug.
Anyway, we should, uh, go and do that thing.
Have fun.
[CHUCKLES] - Where's she gone? - Maybe she left.
I told her to hide.
Maybe she hid.
Split up? If we find her, we need to get her out as quietly as we can.
Okay, okay.
Can't believe you've never had sex outdoors before.
[SIGHS] Gotta tell ya, I'm not loving all this mud.
These trainers are box fresh.
And now I see why.
Hey, this seems like a good spot.
Ground's nice and soft, bit of bounce, we got options.
Well, I don't think it's far away enough from humanity.
You get quite loud.
- People enjoy a vocal lover.
- Yeah, but you tend to bellow.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] [MARTHA] Um, uh, occupied.
Is that Martha? This is Evie, Dylan's girlfriend.
Um, do you know how long I'm meant to hide for? I mean, there's a loo, which is convenient, but Uh, this is Somebody said [CHUCKLES] This may not be true, so please don't be offended, but it got mentioned that maybe Dylan shouldn't have invited you.
That there might have been some bad blood in the past.
[CHUCKLES] I had hoped the invitation was them looking for a rapprochement.
Probably not likely, after what I did, but I hoped.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, there was an affair.
- Oh.
- I thought most people knew.
I don't think Dylan knows anything like that.
- It was a long time ago.
[CHUCKLES] So this might seem um, a little bit undignified, but I think we might have to smuggle you out.
[CHUCKLES] - I wouldn't want to make a scene.
- Oh.
Especially not for Dylan.
Come on, then.
How are you? I'm well.
[CLEARS THROAT] I was actually just leaving.
You're welcome to stay.
That's kind, but I really do have to go.
- Janie.
- Martha.
I'll be off then.
I called almost everyone in your address book.
I didn't know No, it was nice to see her.
- [JANIE] More wine, everyone? - I might move to a glass in each hand.
- Say hello to the cousins.
- We'll be there in a minute.
They're having fun.
I've even forgiven you for the surprise element.
- Go on, go, drink, dance.
- [CHUCKLES] Well, that went fine.
[CHUCKLES] I think some of these are first editions.
Well, I met Dylan's father, uh, oh, gosh, years ago, antiques book fair in Antwerp, I think, been in touch with him since.
I'd read all day if I could.
[STUTTERS] Then why don't you? Last month, on a whim, I decided to read up on neuroscience.
I tore through a stack of medical journals, and then re-visited some Timothy Leary texts from the 1960s.
Fascinating to view those drug experiments through lens of contemporary science.
Peter, I'm so glad I've met you.
I was starting to think the life of a bachelor would be lonely.
You'd have thought the public's perception of drugs would be a bit more progressive, this day and age.
It's actually certifiably crazy when you think about it.
I suppose so.
Anyway, like I was saying, thanks for Uppers, downers.
There's nothing the right amount of pharmaceuticals can't fix, in my view.
I genuinely believe that.
Well, yeah, slightly controversial opinion there, but anyway, I just wanted to say Is that a bag of cocaine? Yep.
[SIGHS DEEPLY] [SNORTING] [SPEAKS GIBBERISH] Can I tempt you? [JONESY] Thoughts? [LUKE SIGHS] Well I think it goes without saying the act itself was topnotch.
You have a gift.
Frankly, we both do.
[SIGHS] Air temperature? Surprisingly clement.
It's the time of year.
In summary, I think there's a lot to be said for it, yet I [SIGHS] just can't shake the feeling that nothing beats sex on a medium-to-firm mattress - between crisp Egyptian cotton sheets.
- Hmm.
[CLICKS TONGUE] You want to head back to the buffet and see how much cake I can fit in your face? I thought you'd never ask.
It still feels really weird.
It's a big success.
It's been a hit.
Did that Martha woman say anything to you? I don't think that matters.
You saw how your parents were.
Did she say anything at all? Ugh.
I wish I didn't know this.
You're freaking me out.
What is it? I think your dad and Martha might have had an affair.
What? Martha said as much.
[STAMMERS] What? That's not No No way.
I'm telling you what she said.
[SCOFFS] How am I meant to take this? Does my mom know? I think she might.
Do you want to talk about it? - Tomorrow.
- Okay.
Let's mingle.
Are you Are you sure this is the right way? Uh, what are you asking me for, Tarzan? I'm just following you.
And I was following you.
Why would you do that? I have absolutely zero sense of direction! Nor do I! We can't both be bad at this! This is why opposites attract.
At least one person has to be competent! Okay, okay, let's not panic, okay? Nobody panic! What are you doing? I have absolutely no idea.
Actually, you know what, does this look familiar? I don't know.
All woods look the same.
I'm very much a city girl.
Well, so am I.
Why do we have to be so fucking similar? Okay.
Okay, okay, what we need here is some orientation.
[CLICKS TONGUE] I was once dating two lumberjacks Long story.
Anyway, I remember one of them saying that moss always grows on the north side of trees.
So, this must be north! - We have north! Get in! Yes! - Yes, yes! Now, where is the house in relation to north? [LUKE SIGHS] Oh, what about the time he beat several girls in his class to the role of Joan of Arc in the school play? I identified with her plight.
If you want a real laugh, get his teenage diaries.
[JULIAN] Or his rap lyrics.
There's notebooks of them somewhere.
[EVIE] Sorry, "rap lyrics"? Technically, it wasn't rap.
It was soulful R&B.
- What was your stage name again? - I think we've all had our fun now.
Oh, what was the name? It's on the tip of my tongue.
- Come on.
What was it? - D-Smooth.
I wrote R&B songs in my bedroom under the name of D-Smooth.
Who gives a shit? Would you help us in the kitchen, please? [SNORTS AND SPEAKS GIBBERISH] Guys like you and me, we're lone wolves.
We're lonely wolves.
That's fine.
We're giants among men.
- Yeah, giant wolf men! - [STAMMERS] What? Sorry, nothing, I'm just quite high.
[SNORTS AND SPEAKS GIBBERISH] Christ, this stuff is strong! Strong in a good way, though? This is really strong.
This is really strong.
You've had quite a lot, maybe so, um Oh, my heart's beating really fast.
Is it? Yeah, I'm hot.
Are you hot? I'm so hot.
I'm fine.
Are you okay? I don't know.
I'm feeling a lot of things.
- I think I think I think - What? What? What?! - I might be having a heart attack! - No! Definitely don't say that! You can't fool us.
We're your parents.
We know you inside out.
Literally, in your mother's case, carried you for nine months.
Stop making jokes.
I know you had an affair, Dad.
Martha told Evie.
[JANIE] He didn't.
I did.
It didn't last long.
A mistake.
I think your father has always been faithful.
To your mother and to the Grateful Dead.
Big fan of both.
[SCOFFS] - When I saw her today, I didn't even - Me neither.
All my life, I've thought you were happy.
We are happy.
We just very briefly weren't.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] I can't do this anymore.
I'm hungry.
I'm tired, and I'm thirsty.
Maybe we should accept our fate, let the gods take us.
Shut up, we've only been gone an hour.
Anyway, I, personally, am not ready to die yet.
I've got castles to build and progeny to sire.
Oh, my God, I can practically hear your biological clock ticking from here.
Oh, come on, what, you never think about the future? - Nope.
- Really? Not unless by "future" you mean the next ten minutes, in which case, I'm thinking dry martinis.
[LUKE] Ah! I don't know, though.
It's quite far.
I still think we should lie down and die.
[CHUCKLING] Come on.
Was Dad really okay about seeing her? Probably not entirely, but he's generous, isn't he? You're angry with me, aren't you? I just feel sad that that you hurt him.
You know, even if it was a really long time ago.
Dylan, life is Neither of us is perfect.
We've made mistakes.
We've done stupid things.
- You'll make mistakes.
- Not like that.
You've never done anything like that to anyone? No, I, um I have.
What about everything else? I mean I mean, now? I love him.
[CHATTERING] [SIGHS] What did they say? All clear.
Just a panic attack.
- Brilliant.
[CHUCKLES] - Feeling a bit sheepish, to be honest.
- Sorry about tonight.
- Oh, no, it's fine.
I'm an adult.
I knew what I was doing.
[CHUCKLES] I miss my fiancée.
Give her a call, then.
Don't let a good woman get away.
Best advice.
Jesus, Peter, you really are a loose cannon.
Every weekend! Come on, let's get you home.
[IN GERMAN] Good luck with everything.
You too, Angus.
- Pub, Julian? - No, Peter.
Not pub.
Looks like this party got wild after all.
Oh, we underestimated this gang big time.
Pleased to see them together, aren't you? It's the best.
- What? - Nothing.
I just, uh, momentarily sobered up back there.
Easily resolved, right? [SIGHS] Let's get right back on it.
[ANGUS] The spice rack feels like a problem I can solve.
I don't know what to do about the other stuff.
Hey, you're gonna figure it out.
Right, until the next problem comes along.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] What if all we're doing is walking this constant tightrope between bliss and disaster? Who knows what's coming around the corner? For any of us.
What do you think, guys? How about we take another look at that spice rack? Organizing them by trade routes might Or spiciness.
[LUKE] They're not going to reorganize themselves, are they? [EVIE] Oh, yeah.
I feel like a chili isn't a spice or a herb.
It's more like a vegetable.
That should be in the fridge.
We should put all the red ones together.
[CONTINUE CHATTERING] Long enough to know If I ever was a child I was tied up like a boat On a button like a coat Set free for a while I'd jump to jolt