Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s03e06 Episode Script

Queen of Cups

1 So, have you, um you had any thoughts about what we talked about last week? [CHUCKLES] Maybe it would be fruitful for you to refresh and recap.
Which aspect? Whichever you feel is most pertinent.
- Where's your little notebook? - Don't worry about that.
- Have you forgotten where we got to? - No.
So, what's my problem? Touché.
As it happens, I have mislaid my notebook.
Well, Simon, as you well know, I'm currently transitioning into the lovely lady known as Prunella.
As I recall, you are lonely and looking for love, but distrustful of your own feelings.
Somewhat damaged by prior experiences of rejection and loss.
And, while pleased for your friends who have just got together, it has left you fearing being left behind, with a sense you're running out of time to find what they have already found.
And a deeper fear that, perhaps, you are incapable of having what they have.
I would be more precise, but, you know notebook.
You're a thing.
You're officially sleeping together.
No, no.
Look, me and Jonesy are just two sexual people filling a sex void with some sex.
A sensible solution to a classic problem.
How many times a week? - Less than four.
- [SCOFFS] Sex three times a week makes it a relationship.
People in relationships don't have that much sex.
- Am I right, Dyl? - Don't look at me! [ANGUS] They're still very new.
They probably do it quite a lot.
We don't date.
We don't share candlelit baths together.
We don't, you know, discuss our feelings, so Why wouldn't you want to do all of those things? - Sorry, man.
I didn't mean - No, you mentioned the bath.
Holly and I had a bath together.
- It was very romantic.
- [LUKE] Hmm.
- I mean sexually romantic.
- Ugh, God.
- In our bath? - Yeah.
I showered it down afterwards.
Can we agree to not ever do that again in communal areas? Not even in the kitchen after everyone else is asleep? It can be a long wait for a late-night jacket potato.
- Am I right, Dyl? - What? No, don't look at me.
Dyl, please tell me that you haven't had sex in the kitchen.
- [STAMMERS] - Oh, my God! Well, we've lived in the flat a long time.
Statistically, it's bound to happen at some point.
- You're blaming maths? [SCOFFS] - Er, I think so? It's not even a particularly sexy kitchen.
Why can't I live with women? Hey, is, um, Jonesy on the same page about all of this? - Come on, dude.
It's Jonesy.
- Still, feelings Trust me, we both know exactly what we're doing, okay? In fact, some of it is technically very complicated.
Have you ever supported a woman's full body weight on one knee? Hmm.
[VOCALIZING] I'm tripping on love [VOCALIZING] I'm tripping on love - Hey! - Hey! What's all this in aid of then? Saving the planet, climate change, all that eco-bollocks.
Mostly it's stopping people doing stuff.
A cause dear to my heart.
- Not a donation.
Hand over the booze.
- [EXCLAIMS] Very kind.
Um, can I borrow you for a minute? - Yeah.
- Back in a sec.
Definitely a thing.
So, what's the thinking here? Find a quiet corner and let nature take its course? There's someone I'd like you to meet.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
She's really cool, really cute.
Good for her.
What's that got to do with me? Well, for one thing, Gabby is perfect for you.
Uh, well, of course, I'm a fan of women who are perfect for me - Does she know about - She's expecting you.
Sort of seems very well-organized.
I thank you.
Well, cutting straight to it, here the both of you are.
Jonesy's got quite a crush on you.
[JONESY] It's true.
You're gorgeous.
- Want to stop by for a drink later on? - Will do.
First go is on me.
[LAUGHS] Well, this enterprise is excessively rich in puns.
Jonesy said you'd probably open with something about hairy nuts.
[LAUGHS] She's thought this through, hasn't she? She's very thorough.
Oh! Look at that massive one.
You grow up with that in your cot and you know for sure your daddy's a winner.
Three goes, please.
I've got my range now.
You are coming home with me, big bear.
You've had hot porridge, you've had cold porridge, but now you're gonna try Angus' porridge.
- Hey.
- Focus.
Right, next toss for the win.
[GROANS] Anyway, it knows I'm coming for it now.
[CLEARS THROAT, KISSES] - Ahhh! He shoots, he scores! - [BOTH] Yay! It's gotta go all the way down, mate.
What? The hoop's on the thing.
It's gotta go like this.
That's impossible.
You just saw me do it.
Right, give me another go.
You could probably just buy a bear.
Twenty quid from me wholesalers.
I can give you their number.
I'm winning this fair and square for my unborn child.
[HOOP CLATTERS] I wasn't ready.
There was wind.
One, two, three, four [EXCLAIMS] Killer nut shot.
You're good with those balls.
Don't interrupt when I'm in the zone.
- There's a zone for this? - Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God! Obviously, there is.
You should go pro, dude.
You'd clean up.
You'd have enough coconuts to, like, you know, start your own What are they for again? [LAUGHS] This is the tragedy of my gift.
I just end up with a lot of slightly damaged coconuts.
[GROANS] [KISSES] Crimson and clover [PANTS] [STAMMERS] Take the bear.
Keep it.
- You've spent more than enough.
- No! Take the bear, Angus.
It's starting to rain.
- You'll find another job.
- And a girlfriend.
- More hoops! - She hasn't even broken up with you.
It's a separation.
Three hoops, three bears.
Watch me.
[HOOP CLATTERS] - You moved something.
- For God's sake! Take the bear.
[LUKE LAUGHS] How can you be a two-nut champion over there and completely fall apart over here? I'm good at throwing things sideways.
This is all up and down.
[LUKE] Oh, my God! Look at that.
It's like they're migrating, and I'm magnetic north.
Jonesy mentioned you're a massive show-off.
Says you've got lots worth showing off about.
What else did, uh did Jonesy say about me? Mmm, you're tall.
- Hey, that's between me and her.
Look at that, I've got a token, everyone! [LAUGHS] Okay, ice cream for two.
Well, I'll be over there eating two people's worth of ice cream.
- [LAUGHS] Hmm.
- Care for a scoop? Just tell the baby that you won it fair and square.
No, it'll know, though.
It'll look into my eyes and see that I'm lying.
I thought this was meant to be a trophy and now it's just an awkward-to-carry free gift.
Some of your throws were amazing, though.
The one where you lofted it high.
- The downward plunging one? - Really, really hard to pull off.
Want to go to the fortune teller? Might be less pressure? No, I think I'll sit things out for a bit.
You go.
[GASPS] Did you win that? I acquired it.
That sounds like you might have stolen it.
Gin and tonic? Um, could I just have a glass of water, please? Life still awful? Uh, divorced, having a child with a woman who's left me and unemployed! Ladies, form an orderly queue behind my creditors.
And you're off the booze.
That's not easy.
Are you getting help? No, I spent all my cash not winning this bear.
- I'm not an alcoholic.
- All right then.
Gin and tonic.
On me.
I can actually see the appeal of alcoholism.
Just stay drunk forever.
I am brilliant when I'm drunk.
Only good things happen then.
Thank you.
- [GRUNTS] - [CHUCKLES] "What should I know about myself?" This is the most important question you can ask the cards, and the one the cards are best able to answer.
The center card, an upright figure.
He's thinking about change.
But this card shows that you subconsciously fear this change.
- Cool.
- Hang on.
- Dylan - Can you be more specific? It's about your interpretation.
[CHIMES] - What does that mean? - Time's up.
I don't like to tell people to leave, hence the gong.
Are you saying I'm gonna fuck things up? - Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm interested in the details, the specifics.
- Dyl, it's just a bit of fun.
- Well, yes and no.
[CHATTERING] I did get drunk on my wedding day and tried kissing Evie.
My marriage broke down because I got pissed in a strip club and Well, you know how that ended.
And then I got drunk again and broke into my ex's house and tried to steal a tree.
This might actually be a problem.
Thanks, ice cream lady.
Save the planet.
[LAUGHS] Would you like one of my coconuts? If we're sharing prizes Whoa.
Might just put it on here actually.
A little bit of nutty garnish.
[LAUGHS] Coconuts, duck and ice cream to finish.
It's like we've been to dinner, which we should also do.
- Yeah.
After this bad boy? - Oh, I don't know.
I'm a bit full.
Maybe we should hit up the bouncy castle, see who throws up first.
You know what, this has been a genuinely awesome fair.
- Jonesy's clever, isn't she? - What? Jonesy set this whole event up.
It was her idea.
- Didn't you know that? - [CHUCKLES] No.
Hmm, I thought you two knew each other pretty well.
Yes, I do know the history with the two of you.
That being? The friends-with-benefits thing you used to have.
- "Used to.
" Right.
- Doesn't matter.
It's just history.
We've all got one.
You know what, I just need to I, um I'll be back in ten minutes.
- Wait there.
- Sure.
[CHUCKLES] [SIGHS] - You've gone all inward.
- No, I'm fine.
They're just cards.
- I know that.
I know.
- Good.
- And I know it's all bollocks.
- Exactly.
It does raise a lot of questions What are you doing? We're going back.
Yeah, yeah, they feel a bit more random than last time.
- Properly shuffled? - Yes.
I'm good to go.
- And your question? - Same as before.
Let's see what wisdom the tarot can offer up for another £4, please.
- We are saving the planet.
- [COINS CLATTER] Three cards.
Each representing Can we skip to showing him the cards, please? - Queen of Cups inverted.
- Are they good? Well, basically, they're all different cards, but they mean exactly the same thing as last time.
You're emotionally insecure, facing new changes with major anxiety.
Probably over a woman.
[STAMMERING] No, I'm not.
I'm very happy.
- When you said I'd fuck things up - You said that.
You haven't had the bigger picture.
You don't need to convince me.
It's the cards.
- Let's do it again.
- You don't even win a bear.
It's uncanny.
- What's going on? - [EVIE] Nothing is.
- Are you even a proper psychic? - I'm a geography teacher.
Jonesy just thought it'd be fun to have a fortune-teller.
See, in a way, that makes the cards even more mysterious.
No, Dyl.
They're just cards.
I'm getting quite freaked out now.
- Can we do it again? - I'm not spending another £4.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, these cards are all very happy ones.
Very secure.
Thank you! See? Christ, I need some air.
[STAMMERS] - Were they - Yeah, no.
Exactly the same meaning as before.
Properly weird.
Apparently, I threw up out the side of the car, but I don't remember it.
I'm probably the only person that doesn't remember it.
I don't think you have a booze problem, my friend.
What? No! I absolutely do.
For once, this is something I can change.
Problem, meet solution.
I'm gonna 12-step my ass.
Well, all power to you.
But before you give up alcohol, which is the best thing in the world, ask yourself this.
If you'd stayed stone-cold sober, would marrying Helen have been a good idea? Probably not.
And if you hadn't copped off with Holly, would you still be happily married to Helen? No, I was miserable I think.
No, I was.
- Even when you were sober? - Oh, God, especially when I was sober.
[CHUCKLES] What, so you're saying I should stay drunk forever, because that's when I make my best decisions? You need to be honest with yourself about what you really want.
Look the future in the eye, you know? - What do I want? - Exactly.
No, I'm asking you the question.
What do I want? - Come on.
You can do better than that.
- I can't.
You should've seen me on the hoops game.
I hated myself as a man.
I can't even look this bear in the eye.
Hey there, chaps.
Hey, how's it going? Angus, could I borrow the barmaid for a mo? So, I'm drinking, yes? Let's fall in love Let's make the same mistakes Let's fall in love I don't want you to think I'm not sure, - 'cause I am sure.
- I know you are.
And my conscious and my subconscious, they're all pointing in your direction.
I wasn't the one freaking out in the tent.
Neither was I.
I just You know [SIGHS] All that talking to my exes, I've become quite aware that I fuck things up.
A lot.
I know.
I was there.
And Luke's really worried.
- About us? Of course he is.
- No, no, no.
It's just me he's and he's right.
Time and again, I get things wrong.
And to hear someone say that my future's just gonna be more of the same, - another mess - I broke off an engagement.
I don't bring much of a pedigree either, do I? But I think what happens to us will be down to us.
You're special to me, and I believe in that.
The cards didn't worry me, but this sort of does.
- How so? - Are you this easily thrown? I've seen you wobble before, and you cut those relationships short pretty quickly - This isn't a wobble.
- Are you sure? [CHUCKLING] You're quite a lot of hard work, aren't you? - I'm bitterly aware of that.
- It's kind of exhausting.
- [LAUGHS] - I'm gonna have to start taking naps.
People who've been out with me before say that yoga sometimes helps.
- Okay, good, we'll find a class.
- I'm sorry.
[EVIE GIGGLES] So, I'm pretty sure Gabby likes my face.
Oh, I know she does.
That was all preapproved, obviously.
She laughed at all my jokes.
Well, you're a funny guy.
It's in your top three attributes.
Along with? Oh, don't be needy, 'cause that's not sexy.
I wasn't being needy.
I was just desperately fishing for compliments to feed my fragile ego.
There's a big difference.
And there's attribute number two, self-deprecation.
- So, why, with all that going for me - And that is a lot of stuff.
Why are we not doing it anymore? That's what Gabby seemed to be implying.
That our little arrangement is all very much past tense.
Friends with benefits never works.
I made an initial exception because I like you, and that is the worst possible reason for making an exception, wouldn't you say? - I was having a good time.
- Yeah, but it's a slippery slope.
Next minute, you're married and bickering over whose turn it is to find a better home insurance deal.
Anyway, I'm sure you will enjoy having sex with Gabby.
That's what you're going to do.
Because what's not to like about Gabby? You're welcome! Sorrow's army Sorrow's army bleeds, sorrow's army I can't accept it.
Mate, this is pathological.
I want my child to know who I am.
The honest and unvarnished truth.
And I'm a man who could not throw a hoop over a box.
Well, nobody has! Nobody can! What? Look, we hired the stall from a props place.
We had complaints.
We rung 'em up.
It's all just for show.
It was never meant to be played.
You literally cannot win.
You want a refund? Well, I'm now confused what taking a refund would say about me.
Just keep the bear, all right? Hand on heart, of all who've played it, you've wanted it the most.
I'm sure you'll make a very tenacious dad.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I think you've behaved with real decency vis-à-vis this bear.
I know when people say "it's not you," it usually is them.
[CHUCKLES] But in this instance, it's honestly not.
It's me.
It's a shame.
You're good company.
Oh, my God.
You too.
You really are.
I think Jonesy just thought you'd be a bit more why not give it a go, casual.
I'm actually trying to do things a little bit differently.
I'm not sure she knows that.
[CLICKS TONGUE] I guess we, uh I guess we don't know each other that well.
Great event.
- Really good.
- Very cool.
Did you know that Jonesy organized it? Yeah.
And that girl's, uh she really is She's what? I mean I think, uh You know.
Sorry, what do you think? Listen to what he's saying.
He's not saying anything! When the morning comes You won't be mine I know that angels come From time to time - It's me.
- [BUZZER SOUNDS] You don't think it could topple forward and crush him or her? - No, I don't think so.
- You don't think its first memories will be of an enormous brown bear always looming over it? It's cool.
And Daddy won it for them, so they will love it.
I could secure it.
Lash it down.
Oh, no, no, no.
Then what if the baby thinks that you tied up the bear because it's dangerous? Uh, how about hidden Velcro strips? Well, anyway, they'll be next to me for a while before they're in there.
Would it be odd Would it be okay if I was there sometimes? It's just that that sounds very nice, and I'd hate to miss it.
I don't want to intrude.
- You can't intrude on your own child.
- No, I I know.
I'm just being I don't quite know what I'm trying to say.
[CHUCKLES] Am I trying to say something? I don't know.
Are you? Maybe.
But then, um maybe not.
I think we're just You know [KISSES] Well, I should probably go.
- Well done for winning.
- That's me.
Constantly winning.
[LUKE] Then, without even meaning to in the first place, you discover that person you've been spending time with might might actually be someone you could spend a little bit more time with.
Even if it's a terrible idea, because you're two opposing things, like yin and yang.
Those two things that famously fit perfectly together.
- Can I make an observation? - Please do.
You're consistently bad at metaphors and similes.
You almost never find a truly apt comparison.
Well, you're consistently being a dick.
How's that for a metaphor? No, no, bear with me.
I think I've noticed this pattern because it's a distancing technique.
"We're 'like' this.
I feel 'similar' to this.
" How about you, Luke, tell me, Simon, how you feel? Girl, you got wise blood To come when summoned I'm an outlaw On the brink of self-implosion Alone in a crowd on the corner Goin' nowhere slow I'm an outlaw On the brink of self-implosion