Macgyver s02e20 Episode Script


There's no place like home.
That's especially true if you spent twelve hours on a flight from Central America that gave new meaning to the word "turbulence.
" Pete Thornton sent me to find a piece of evidence that would link Fernando Marin, a major drug dealer, to the flow of cocaine into the United States.
And I'd found it hidden in the jungle and guarded by some tribesmen who were on Marin's payroll.
They weren't too happy I'd gotten away with it.
Three times in one day I came as close to getting killed as I ever have.
It can make you start to think real hard.
Your first brush with death could be an accident.
The second could be a coincidence.
The third could be a message.
And I didn't like the sound of it at all.
But at least I was thousands of miles from that jungle, safe in my own place.
That made me feel a little better.
Gringo, you have stolen the property of Fernando Marin.
I haven't stolen anything.
How did you get in here? You will take me to the place where the property is hidden.
To the Phoenix Foundation.
Oh, no.
No way.
Oh, I think you will.
Look, I don't know what happened to that computer disk.
It could be on its way to Washington for all I know.
Be careful with the knife, will you? Surprise! - Happy Birthday! - All right! Okay! Quiet! Let's see what we have behind door number one.
It's your old buddy Jack Dalton in the flesh.
We knew you'd never come if you thought it was gonna be a party, so I told Jack when you were getting in from Central America, - and he took it from there.
- Wasn't that a hoot? All right, everybody, give the birthday boy room to breathe.
There's plenty to eat and drink over there, and the champagne punch is on that table.
You'll get yours.
I know you don't like gifts, so I just invited a few people that I thought you might like to see.
I don't believe it.
Thanks for coming, Harry.
I know you don't like bus rides.
I missed enough of your birthdays.
Besides, what are grandpas for? - Wait a minute.
Where are you going? - I'm starving.
We got plenty of time to gab.
I'm bunking over at your place.
- Well, quite a spread, huh? - Yeah, it's nice.
Did you get what we were after? Yes, sir.
All right.
Well done.
Oh, there were some people who couldn't make it, but they sent you remembrances.
They're on the table where Jack is standing.
Just put it right here.
Would you meet me by the crab claws, please? How could you do this? You broke into my place and held me at knifepoint.
It was all Pete Thornton's idea.
Pete Thornton made me do it.
Stop it! Your eye's twitching.
You're lying to me.
Oh, Mac, don't bring me down.
This joke just may be the pinnacle of my career.
So help me, Jack, someday-- - Someday-- - I know.
I know.
Bang! Zoom! Happy birthday, MacGyver.
My birthday's a week from Tuesday.
Oh, Penny Parker, Jack Dalton.
Jack used to be a friend.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
There's more where that came from.
How come you never told me about this vision of loveliness? - Where did you meet her? Shangri-la? - Bulgaria.
See, we were at the airport in Bulgaria, only I knew the police were following us, so I put the jewels in MacGyver's pocket.
But then the police, well, they caught us and they handcuffed us together.
Boy, you were really mad.
Grab that chair.
Why don't I get two chairs, and then we can both sit.
It's not for sitting.
Never mind the chair.
Excuse me.
Hey, that's good! Cheap wall.
We just poke our way right out of here.
It's a baggage conveyor belt.
There's no way I can just poke through this chicken wire.
Damn! It was a nice thought, though.
All right, bend these out.
We're gonna make them into a figure eight.
What are you gonna do with a figure eight? You ever been to a rodeo? Sort of.
I was Queen of the Future Farmers once.
All right.
Now I know why you asked about the rodeo.
You're gonna lasso the conveyor belt.
I sure am gonna try.
Let's go.
What are you doing? I've gotta have my purse! - It's just like the ride at Disneyland.
- Will you keep your head down? Economy class.
And you should have seen the look on the faces of all those foreigners.
Stick with me, my little Bulgarian bundle, and we'll go first class all the way to the stars.
Excuse me, kids, I'll be back.
- What's the matter with him? - Birthday blues.
I've seen it before.
"What's the meaning of life? What's the grand plan? What's to drink?" - So tell me, what is it you do? - I'm an actress.
What an astounding coincidence.
I'm a producer.
Really? I also sing and dance.
No! When I was a lad I studied opera in ltaly.
In Milan.
I won a La Scala-ship.
Will you look at all this loot? Yeah, you know, the funny thing is, darned near every one of these things almost got me killed at one time or another.
They sent me to the Middle East for this.
Shows all the terrorist targets in the States.
"For a man who's always on the run.
From your friends at the Department.
" Halt! That is far enough.
The map.
You know, I'd like to but I really need it myself.
You amuse me.
But I really do need it.
I guess it just proves that a good map will always get you to where you wanna go.
Yeah, provided you wanna get there in the first place.
I never quite thought of it that way.
I'm starting to, Harry.
Excuse me.
Hey, many happy returns, pal.
You don't look a day over 50.
- Don't ask me how I feel.
- This is hot stuff, MacGyver.
The information you brought back on this disk is exactly what we needed.
When I get back to Washington, the legal wheels against Mr.
Fernando Marin are really gonna start humming.
That'll be one less drug connection we have to worry about.
Well, I'm glad it worked out.
I think I'm gonna buy myself a drink.
- You want anything? - No, thanks.
- Rough trip? - Well, yeah.
Came close to dying about three different times.
Really? What happened? It doesn't matter now.
What does matter is that the only reason I'm alive is luck.
I had nothing to do with it.
Well, you always said you'd rather be lucky than good.
Yeah, I said that.
But you know, Pete, I'm starting to think I pressed my luck about as far as it can go.
Now, what does that mean? I've had it, Pete.
I wanna resign.
MacGyver, think about what you're saying.
- Resigning-- - I have thought about it, Pete.
For the past 24 hours I've done nothing but think about it.
What are you going to do after you resign? Have you thought about that? What are you gonna do? Sit behind a desk? You would go crazy inside of a week.
Take it from somebody who knows.
MacGyver, it's your birthday.
I mean, you're-- You're being introspective.
That's normal.
I understand that, but tomorrow you're gonna wake up, and everything is gonna seem different to you.
Pete for the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up, and all I've got to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.
Listen to me.
There is no one else in the world like you.
You're a cat.
You've got nine lives.
I've already lived eight of them.
I don't want to waste the last one.
I want to go home to Minnesota.
Wanna find someone, get married or something.
Do normal things while I still have time.
So I'd appreciate it if you'd draw up some resignation papers for me.
Redford? Bob? He's a sweetheart.
Prince, I love the guy.
Taught him how to ski.
- What's wrong with your eye? - Oh, l-- Allergy.
Must be a cat around here somewhere.
Did I ever tell you about the time I saved MacGyver from certain death? Because if I didn't, I should've.
Picture this: There we are on the rim of Africa.
Among the tents of the noble nomads.
There must be a cat around here somewhere.
Anyway, the noble nomads aren't so noble, on account of because the head honcho ripped off this very valuable piece of horseflesh.
MacGyver goes right in there to get that horse and return it to its rightful owner.
You know, we could go back to your place and talk about this.
No, I didn't think so.
But you said that you saved MacGyver from certain death.
Who do you think was flying that chopper? I think I'll try this.
You think? I'm gonna try it.
The very next dinner party I give, "Breast of lizard à la MacGyver.
" It's delicious.
You're a very unexpected man, MacGyver.
You keep me off balance.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
I think I think I like it.
Wanna share? That's quite an offer.
Is that a yes? Or no? Will you excuse me? MacGyver! Happy birthday! MacGyver, it is so great to see you.
- Happy birthday! - Kate, it's good to see you.
I-- I don't know what to say.
Oh, isn't it wonderful? And you're responsible for it too.
What? No way.
I want you to meet my husband, Mike Desmond.
Mike, this is MacGyver.
- Mike Husband, great to meet you.
- Desmond.
Mike Desmond.
You're the linebacker for the Titans, right? - Right.
- Oh, you're terrific! - You're having a great year.
Keep it up.
- Thank you.
Kate's told me so much about you.
She said you two had quite a time when you were in San Sebastian.
No, no, we-- Well, we didn't see too much of each other.
Actually, it was one of those things where-- I thought Kate said if it wasn't for you, she'd have never gotten out of there.
Well, yeah.
Her editor sent me down there to get her out.
After I took those pictures of the general with his pals from the mob.
I guess he figured he wasn't too photogenic, huh? We'd been on the run for a couple of days till we reached the border.
Home free.
Except we weren't.
The general and his soldiers were there in force.
So I figured we needed some kind of a diversion.
It's time to get our party started! Forward! Up the hill! - Hang on, Connolly! - Hang on to what? Come on, Kate, swim.
Yeah, the pictures were a little wet, but we got them out.
Kate used those pictures in her articles, and the magazine promoted her to senior editor.
That's how I met Mike.
And now there's a Mike Jr.
on the way.
That's terrific.
- I don't know how you keep doing it.
- What's that? Bouncing all over the world.
I know I used to think that was the only way to live, but, well, now that I have a home and I'm gonna have a family, well, I just couldn't be happier in my life.
You see how this line intersects that one obliquely? That means you and l will be spending a lot of time together.
Well, that's funny because, see, I had my palm read by Madame Bourguiba, not the one on Hollywood Boulevard, but the one on Melrose, and she told me that if that line intersects that one obliquely, then that means I'm gonna move to lndia and live in a hut on the Ganges.
But that's after we spend a lot of time together.
You see, there's the Ganges, there's the little hut, and there we are spending a lot of time together.
- Waiting for a bus? - Bannister? What the heck? Where'd you come from? New director of operations sent me in.
- New director? - Oh, you're gonna love him.
I can hardly wait.
We're now 90 percent home.
Just down this hill and a couple of kilometres due west.
Brakes seem to be fading.
Correction, nonexistent! Yeah, we're going to the border, all right.
In pieces.
Unless this emergency Nothing.
I think we're out of fluid, Mac.
Sorry, pal.
Some backup, huh? - No, no.
There's gotta be a way.
- What are you talking about? There's gotta be a way to stop this thing.
- Without brakes? Oh, yeah.
- With brakes.
Come again? - Pop the hood.
- What? Just pop it.
What the hell are you doing? There's still gotta be some fluid in the power steering, right? Maybe I can pump it into the brake cylinder.
Sure that'll work? No.
All right, pump the brake! Pump the brakes! Mac, my boy, I think you did it.
We got brakes! Piece of cake! I went in there to save you, and you wound up saving me.
Oh, I bet I know what you two are talking about.
- The East German assignment, right? - How did you guess? Well, you two guys working together, you-- You were the best.
I got a letter of commendation from the State Department about that case.
Well, send me a copy one of these days, Pete.
Maybe I can get a raise.
Speaking of letters, Pete, do you have that letter of resignation for me? - You really serious about that? - Yeah.
It's on my desk.
Bud tells me you're his best friend.
I like to think so.
Then maybe you know what's eating him.
Yeah, Harry, I do.
I know exactly what's eating him.
- Am I butting in on something? - No, come on in, Harry.
A real nice party those folks are throwing for you out there.
So how come you're not enjoying it? I'm trying to make a decision, Harry.
About the toughest one of my life.
Want some free advice? I'd pay for it.
Go with your gut.
What's up here can keep you confused.
What's here most of the time tells it plain.
Listen, I want you two to be the first to know.
I hate this.
- What's that for? - For being a really sweet guy.
And because I have great news.
Thornton offered me a job in the research department.
So that means we're all three gonna be working together: - You, me and Jack.
- What are you talking about? Well, you're Jack-Be-Quick Messenger Service.
You deliver packages for the Foundation.
- How did you know about that? - And you weren't flying the chopper in Arabia that saved MacGyver from certain death.
- How did you know about that? - Well, there's a memo on the wall in the ladies' lounge, and it says that when Jack Dalton's left eye is twitching, he's lying like a cheap rug.
"La Scala-ship.
" That's so cute.
Truth hurts, huh, Jack? Especially when you're not used to it.
If this is what you really want, I'm not gonna try to talk you out of it.
- Thank you.
- I respect you too much for that.
I appreciate that.
I was thinking about the first assignment I ever gave you.
- East Berlin.
- Pete, don't start.
In some ways it hardly seems that long ago.
And then smuggling you out in that steamer trunk.
It wasn't a steamer trunk.
It was a coffin.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, I was hoping that the information we were looking for was gonna reunite the family of an East German scientist who'd defected to the West.
And I was willing to bet everything I had that you were the guy to bring it out.
Like to have seen that one myself.
Done a lot of good things, MacGyver, but nothing better than bringing that family together.
Well here's to your new life.
But I'm sure gonna miss sharing the old one with you.
Attention, everybody! Gather round! It's cake time! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Dear MacGyver Happy birthday to you You want big piece? Come on, Mac, birthday boy, how about a speech? - Speech.
- Come on.
- Jack, don't do this to me.
- Oh, come on, like in the old days.
I never gave speeches in the old days.
Oh, that's right.
I did.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to say a few words in honour-- Okay, ducky, they're all warmed up for you.
When I was a kid, my grandfather used to say to me that a fella's life wasn't worth mentioning if he hadn't shared it with some folks along the way.
- That is what you said, isn't it, Harry? - Yeah, only I said it shorter.
Well, l-- I guess it's taken this party to make me realize that about the only thing worth mentioning about my life is the fact that you've all shared your lives with me.
And that I'd never have known any of you if I hadn't been doing the kinds of things I've been doing.
And I just want you all to know that you're all very, very special to me.
Well, this is a birthday party.
Let them eat cake.
Can I see that letter again? What's the matter? You forget to sign it? No, l-- I signed it.
"Happy landings and all the best.
Captain Jim Taylor, 1 6th Airborne.
" When Jim Taylor's plane went down over the Central Asian highlands, I was sent in as a rescue party of one.
Hanging there on the face of a rock formation, I started to realize how insecure my grip on life could be.
When you're a few thousand feet straight up, there's always the chance of falling a few thousand feet straight down.
Our information told us that Jim was being held in a camp right near the site of the crash.
We knew the longer he stayed a prisoner, the weaker his grip on life was gonna be.
I wanted to just walk up to that cage and break him out, but the local activity made me change my mind.
And my clothes.
Luckily, I found someone who was just my size.
God, I hate heights.
- What are you doing? - Making a rocket thruster.
What are we doing?! I'll tell you later.
Yeah, Captain Taylor said that was about the craziest thing he'd ever seen.
Well, he was right.
Pete, about that letter of resignation.
Yeah? Got any Scotch tape? Kidding.