Macgyver s07e01 Episode Script

Honest Abe

No, no, you'll damage the chopper.
ID the perp.
It had to be that temp working security.
- The old rumpled guy? - Right.
B.
N.
For Mr.
Harding.
B.
N? Bad news.
Call the tower.
We'll track him on radar.
Wilco.
B.
N.
For Mr.
Harding? God, what a turkey.
I asked you to send lox, not locks.
Lox, the kind you put on bagels with cream cheese.
No, no, no, no, it's not for my store.
It's for my son's bar mitzvah.
You figure it out and call me back.
- Philip? - MacGyver! My friend.
- My friend, you look good.
- You, too.
Hey, Jeffrey, your gentile godfather is here.
- Dudesky! - Jeffrey! You've grown.
He's a man now.
Not yet, Pops, the cool bar mitzvah's not till tomorrow.
Uh, traditionalists.
Real sticklers for detail.
Yeah, uh, speaking of the bar mitzvah, what am I supposed to do there? You sit.
You listen.
Maybe say, mazel tovwhen it's over.
Not to worry.
- Yeah.
- I'm the one who had to learn all the Hebrew.
So, MacGyver, did you hear the latest? My father said he's coming to the bar mitzvah.
Come on, Pop.
He'll be there.
Yeah, like he was for me.
Tell him, MacGyver, tell him what it was like when I was growing up.
Philip, we didn't meet until we were 18.
And I was already in therapy, because my father was never there for me when I was a kid.
Tell him.
Yes, you were seeing a psychologist.
I remember that.
A-And Abe was a liar to boot.
He was? You don't remember his excuses for missing all the important events in my college career? How he was charged by a rhinoceros in Bangkok, how he was caught in a monsoon in the Sahara? Some life for a tuba salesman, let me T-Tell him.
Philip, he he made the graduation.
He was probably suffering from jet lag and got confused or he never would have shown just like he won't show for Tell him, so he doesn't get disappointed.
Tell him, MacGyver.
He'll be there.
He's already on the bus.
And how do you know, son? Because I called the bus company.
Mr.
Smarty Pants.
This wouldn't be the first time Abe came to town without visiting.
Am I right? Speaking of lox.
MacGyver, just just in case could you pick up Abe? Um, he gets into the station at 2:30.
Yep, you bet.
And make sure he gets to the bar mitzvah, please? Jeffrey, he'll be there, I promise.
Thanks! Yeah, you're welcome.
- Abe! Abe! - Hey, hey, hey! Hey, let me get a look at you.
Oh, you look good, son.
- I mean, hey - Been a long time, huh? Oh, too long, way too long.
How long's it been, anyway? Uh, college graduation.
Hey, don't tease me like that.
I saw you on New Year's.
- No, I don't think so.
- Okay, maybe it was a few years back, it was definitely New Year's.
- Abe, I think you got me - So how's Jeffrey doing? And how's that lovely wife of yours, Cheryl, or - Carol.
- Carol.
That's That's Philip's wife.
Your son.
Who are you? I'm Philip's friend, MacGyver.
It has been a long time.
Yeah.
I'm here for my grandson's bar mitzvah.
Jeffrey, you know him? Yeah, I'm his godfather, I'm here for the same reason.
Hey, what a lucky break for me! How about a lift to the post office so I can pick up Jeffrey's bar mitzvah present? Yeah, sure.
Hey, you know, Philip had a friend in college named MacGyver.
Ever heard of him? Nice little fellow.
Tall, good looking, never took a haircut.
But what a sweetheart he was, we liked him, good with his hands, you know? He could build anything that you say You set out to tell him something, this kid could do it.
I liked him very, very much.
Back in a jiffy.
Uh, say, MacGyver, do an old man a favor.
What's that? I got this bum knee that's acting up, - I wonder if you could pick up the package for me? - Yeah, sure.
It's under the name of Allen Dulles.
Dulles, like, um, the old CIA director? Say, you really know your history.
Yeah, well, I used to be in the business.
No.
Wait a minute, you're MacGyver, Western Tech, the DXS, the Phoenix Foundation.
How are you? I feel like this is the third time we've met in the last 20 minutes.
Hey, it's really great to see you, MacGyver.
You, too, Abe.
So, uh, why the name, uh, Dulles? Well, it's kind of complicated.
I guess I'm a history nut myself.
Oh.
Well, back in a minute.
No problema.
LaManna, our bag is mobile.
Our bag is mobile.
Over.
Our bag is mobile.
Read me? Yeah.
Say again.
Our bag is mobile.
Read me? I read you, Major Sneed.
Turkey.
LaManna, the bag's coming out the door.
Repeat, coming out the door.
Make like a statue, chump.
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
What do you want? The flight bag.
Flight bag? What, you got wax in your ears? The flight bag give it to me.
Hop in! Are they following us? I don't see anybody.
Slow down, Abe.
Oh, no, can't do that.
They're gonna be on our tail or something.
We got to keep the pedal to the metal, so to speak.
Do you mind telling me what's going on? Those guys were shooting at us.
I know that! They're after some flight bag.
Is that what's in here, a flight bag? Flight bag? No, no! It's, uh, sheet music, yeah, that's it, tools of the trade.
That's That's it.
I thought it was Jeffrey's bar mitzvah present.
Present, ha! No, oh, yeah, that's Actually, l I just got l I got confused.
It's sheet music.
It's definitely, uh, sheet music.
Who were those guys, Abe? Well, they're competitors, you know.
They're They're fellow tuba salesmen.
Tuba salesmen? Abe! Stop the car! - Hey, give me the keys back.
- No! I'm driving.
You think you can drive better? - Safer, definitely! - What if those tuba salesmen pick up our trail? Yeah.
Who are they, Abe? - What are they after? - They're They're Gee, MacGyver, I really don't don't know.
- Get in the car.
- Where are we going? The sheriff's station.
- No, big mistake, big mistake.
- Why? Well, it's kind of complicated.
Not good enough, Abe.
Okay, okay, I'm I'm I'm not a tuba salesman.
No.
I work for the CIA.
Get in the car.
- Didn't you hear what I just said? - I heard.
Get in.
You don't believe me, huh? Next you're gonna tell me it's a matter of national security, right? Actually, it's more like a matter of international security.
As a patriot, you owe it to your country to hear me out.
- All right, Abe.
- Huh? - Once and for all, the truth.
- You'll get the truth, yeah.
Who were those guys? They're security men for Harding Aeronautics.
Good start.
Why are they after you? - I guess they want their chopper back.
- What chopper? The one I stole from Harding Aeronautics.
Get in the car, Abe.
MacGyver, you've been in the intelligence game yourself! You know how it is when you work in the field.
You go in with a game plan, but then things go wrong, and it gets kind of - Complicated.
- Complicated! Isn't it funny how you The point is, I needed to acquire the chopper to complete my mission.
What is so important about this chopper? It's stealth, as in quiet.
The latest piece of military hardware.
- All right, Abe.
- Yeah? - Maybe you do work for the CIA.
- Yeah, sure, I do.
Maybe this is part of some covert operation.
But if it is, you've got to contact your people and tell them to call it off.
I'd like to, but, well, it-it's kind of complicated.
Go figure.
Yeah, well, see, the thing is See I I'm what they call persona non grata with the company.
Officially, that is.
Oh, they're still They're behind me 100%.
It's just that what I'm doing is, uh, kind of, uh, illegal, see.
How illegal? Oh, you see, well, I You know, a lot of people don't know this, but we're not supposed to operate in this country.
- Abe! - Yeah? - Illegal or not - Yeah.
people are shooting guns at each other.
- S Yeah, yeah.
It's obviously out of hand You've got to call it quits.
Not only that, you promised Jeffrey you'd be at the bar mitzvah.
And I promised I'd have you there.
You're right.
When you're right, you're right.
Let the CIA finish the operation without me.
Good answer.
Get in.
- I'm still driving.
- Yeah, you're driving.
You're on empty.
- So we'll get gas.
- We'll get gas.
Yes, Mr.
Harding, that's affirmative.
I couldn't agree more, sir.
You're exactly right.
Let me do the talking.
Officer, can you tell me where the sheriff might be? Well, he's in, uh, court right now.
I'm Duke Luke.
I'm the deputy.
Then you're in charge.
Oh, well, I guess I am.
You're the one I need to talk to.
Elliot, FBI.
FBI? All right! We're looking for two men reported to be in this area.
I must impress onto you, this is a matter of vital national security.
Oh, national security.
All right.
Can you organize a dragnet? Hey, I'm your guy.
Elliot, LaManna, privileged interface.
- What'd he say? - Government talk.
Excuse us, please.
Privileged interface.
All right.
Hey, Elliot, I got to hand it to you.
Posing as an FBI agent, great scamarino.
Va bene.
Thanks, LaManna.
I just spoke to Mr.
Harding.
What'd he say? Terminate the old man and MacGyver.
Terminate? Terminate, with extreme prejudice.
No, I can't do it, I just can't do it.
- Give me the keys.
- No, no.
No, no.
No, this isn't right.
Hey, give me those keys! MacGyver, trust me.
I've got to get to Sutter's Mine.
It's crucial.
So what? That's where you hid the helicopter? Boy, you're good.
You're good.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Why do you need this chopper, anyway? It's the only thing that'll help me complete my mission, that - What mission? - Keep Keep your voice down.
What mission? - Bringing Peugot to justice.
- Peugot? Marcel Peugot, President of San Rochelle in the Caribbean.
The grand terrorist himself.
- The most maniacal, evil, despicable, the scourge - All right, all right.
Abe, Abe, Abe! I get the point.
The The The thing is, there's a federal warrant for his arrest, but since we have no extradition treaty with San Rochelle, - officially we can't touch him, you see - All right, Abe, Abe - So we can't even - Abe! I can understand trying to arrest Peugot.
But going outside the law and risking innocent lives is not the way to do it.
- Well, you may be right.
- So call it off.
- I would, but it's kind of complicated.
- Complicated.
We're in too deep.
My own people would disavow their association with me, and you.
We're sitting ducks.
And I got no official safe house to go to.
The only way out is to finish the mission.
- No, no.
- Yeah, yeah.
I can provide a safe house.
What do you got in mind? The Phoenix Foundation.
We fly the chopper there, we're safe.
- Say, that's not bad.
- Yeah.
And if we're lucky, we might be able to make the bar mitzvah, - what do you say? - Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, Plan B.
Yeah, Phoenix Foundation.
No problemafrom here on out.
No problema.
Big problema.
Big, big problema.
Maybe I left this key out in the sun too long.
Yeah, well, that'd do it.
You know, we've got an amazing piece of technology here.
You don't know the half of it.
These speakers put out sound waves that neutralize the pitch of the rotor, the effect is something we call black sound.
Noise.
Black noise.
Noise, sound, whatever.
It's quiet.
Especially when it's not running, then it's real quiet.
You've never read this manual, have you? MacGyver, I can fly the crates these things are shipped in, I don't read manuals.
You don't need a key.
Take a look.
Yeah.
See this sensor here? It says it talks to the onboard computer which controls all the functions of the craft.
Yeah, but who talks to the sensor? Uh, a laser.
We don't have a laser.
Right.
Maybe a flashlight in close range would do the trick.
MacGyver, please, computers make me nervous.
What are you doing? - No, no, come on.
It's simple.
- Simple.
It's like, uh, Morse code.
Let's see if To access, flash dit, dit, dah, dit, dah.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, let me, let me see that.
Whew.
Well, hey, hey.
This Hey, this is great! "To pilot, just flash dit-dit.
" Dit-dit.
Surveillance is dit-dah.
Oh.
And here's arms.
"To get in, dah-dah, "then just choose your weapons.
"Dit-dit for guns, dah-dah for rockets, "dit-dah for knockout gas.
" This is easier than setting a VCR.
A child could do it.
Great.
Like I said, no problema.
Phoenix Foundation, here we come.
Well, let's not forget to put on our helmets.
Oh, there's another one in back of the seat.
Sorry, MacGyver.
Good morning.
It is? - What happened? - Knockout gas.
The same kind the chopper uses.
That's how I'm going to get Peugot.
Gas? Abe! Abe! MacGyver, what can I say? Welcome to San Rochelle.
We had an agreement.
We did, MacGyver, we did.
But, well, you see, it got kind of complicated.
Simplify it! You know all those subversive publications that say the CIA financed Peugot and put him in power? Yeah.
It's true.
I spearheaded the whole operation.
Great.
Iran-Contra.
Noriega.
Now this.
Tell me something, is there anybody you guys didn't finance? The Democrats.
Look, we feel terrible.
I feel terrible.
I feel responsible.
I want to make things right.
Abe, answer me this.
How is gassing and kidnapping me in a stolen helicopter gonna make things right? Well, it's kind of complicated.
- Abe! - I'll I'll simplify it.
Harding Aeronautics had this stealth chopper.
Perfect bait for Peugot.
I planned to borrow it, but found something amiss.
What? - There were two of them.
- Two what? Choppers.
Not only did Harding build the prototype contracted to the Defense Department, he built a copy to sell under the table to arms dealers.
I think it was Major Sneed's idea.
Okay.
All right.
Harding and Sneed are crooks.
How does their crime justify yours? - Well, isn't it obvious? - No.
Harding's no patriot.
- So what's your point? - Don't you see? He'd sooner kill me than loan me a helicopter.
That's it? That's the complicated explanation? Well, what else could I do? Report Harding to the authorities.
But then Peugot wouldn't be brought to justice.
Well, get a helicopter from someplace else.
This is the only one of its kind, or at least, it's the only one of two of its kind.
I told you it was complicated! Here we are, MacGyver, the garden spot of the Caribbean.
Trust me, MacGyver, it's smooth sailing from here on out.
All we do now is call Peugot, take him up for a little ride, give him a little gas, and no problema.
Welcome to San Rochelle.
Fritz, you old sack of thumbtacks, how are you? You will come with me, gentlemen.
Abe, mon ami, it is very good to see you again.
Oh, my pleasure, mon President.
You are not curious how I know it was you approaching my humble abode? Well, yeah, how-how'd you know? It is said I am a practitioner of the black arts.
Who are you? MacGyver.
Wait.
Do not utter a word.
Your name is MacGeever.
That's incredible.
You are two days early, mon ami, and you have brought company.
Pourquoi? Is everything kosher with you and the CIA? I have heard rumors.
Is there something I should know? No, no.
I was just so excited about that piece of equipmen I alluded to in my letter, I came early.
Aren't you curious what it is? Don't tell me.
It is a tank, no? No, but that's a very good guess.
Isn't it, MacGyver? Close.
Some people got it, some don't.
Wait.
They don't call this baby "stealth" for nothing, monPresident, but there's much, much more.
She's got your 3,400 mile range, your 500 miles per hour top speed, your concealed multiple weapons port.
She can be a remote-controlled drone, or she can operate on manual mode.
Great for crowd control, they'll never hear you coming.
Why? Because you're stealth.
And, hey, what about this? Tune these speakers to the right frequency and you could start an avalanche, that's right.
Rain down tons of dirt and debris on your enemies.
An avalanche? No.
Y-Yes! Right, MacGyver? Yeah, yeah.
And of course, there's that old standby, the sneak attack.
You'll be the terror of the hemisphere.
I am sold.
I am sold! Say no more.
How much? Wait a while, wait a while.
You want me to quote a price without a test drive? Mais oui.
How much? He said oui.
You can't quote a price.
Why not? I mean, no, I can't.
Not until the President sees how this baby handles.
Right! You got to see how this baby handles.
Come on, climb aboard.
Will you let me drive? Let's get her off the ground then we'll see.
What do you say? I say Oui.
Mais oui.
- That was a yes.
- Yeah.
Good choice, mon President.
Here we go.
It is so quiet in here.
I could take a nap.
That's the idea, monPresident.
Oh, I'm sure your men have it under control.
Let's just take off.
No! Shut it off! Who are you? Major Sneed.
Major Sneeze? Sneed.
Elliot.
LaManna.
Harding Aeronautics, security detail.
- Harding who? - We built this chopper.
And these washouts stole it.
But Abe works for the CIA, no? No, Mr.
President, this Abe Sherman was booted out of the CIA six months ago.
He's just a lowly security guard who got greedy.
If you buy hot goods from this man, you'll be the laughingstock of the international community.
Laughingstock? Like "ha-ha" laughingstock? That kind of laughingstock.
You'll be mocked in every capital, scorned in every port.
Non! Pas possible! Total humiliation.
Abe Sherman, get out of there right now! You, too, MacGeever.
Now Now, we go back a long way, if I could have one word in private.
No! J'accuse! I would have been scorned in every mock.
For this, mon ami, you must pay.
By the power vested in me by, moi, I sentence both of you to hang by your neck until Until long after you are dead, until vultures peck your eyeballs out.
Gee, MacGyver, I really feel bad.
If I'd just done what you said, we'd beat the Phoenix Foundation right now, getting ready to go to Jeffrey's bar mitzvah.
Don't remind me.
Got any ideas how to get out of here? Oh, let's face it, I was a failure as a father, I'm no better as a grandfather.
- Maybe.
- What do you mean, "maybe"? I did the best I could.
A lifetime of fighting communism.
If not for people like me, we'd all be named Vladimir.
What are you talking about? You said "maybe".
Maybe I've got an idea on how to get us out of here.
Oh, good.
Say again.
Abe Sherman's what? MacGyver works for who? What are you doing? Well, this is an old monastery.
I get a feeling this is where the monks aged their brandy.
What's that? Almost pure alcohol now.
MacGyver, this is no time to be hitting the sauce.
I'm not hitting the sauce, Abe, I'm thinking.
Hold that.
Oh, oh, good, good.
Hmm? Hey, let's go already, huh? Andiamo.
- Where's the yutzMajor? - Change of plan.
We've got to rescue Abe and MacGyver.
That's not funny, Elliot.
What's that? It's a fuse.
Oh, good.
Here's the thing.
You know that FBI act I pulled on the deputy back in Fillmore? Now that was funny.
Molto bene.
I hate to blow my cover, but that was no act.
I am FBI.
We've been investigating Harding Aeronautics.
We're going to bust Mr.
Harding and Major Sneed for bilking the government out of this chopper.
Whoa! If you help, I can offer immunity.
No need.
I'm undercover, too.
Office of Budget and Management.
We've been conducting a secret audit of Harding's operation.
Boy, you talk about the left hand not knowing what the right hand's doing.
We don't even know what our own feet are doing.
Government humor.
But isn't it kind of dangerous to rescue Abe and MacGyver? They're common criminals.
No? They're undercover, too? I just got off the horn with Washington.
Abe's still CIA.
Deep cover.
And MacGyver.
MacGyver's with the Phoenix Foundation.
Oh, whoa! I'm telling you, LaManna, this is a turn of events that will put Washington on its ear.
Believe me.
Okay, paesano, what's the plan? I want you to create a diversion here while I get in position to grab Peugot and Sneed, and after I force 'em to release Abe and MacGyver, I'll signal you to set it off.
Oh, this is good, yeah.
Then we'll all waltz to the chopper and fly out of here.
Abe! Come on.
This ought to do it.
Oh, this is going on my expense account.
Wait.
Don't tell me.
The king of diamonds.
That's amazing, Mr.
President, that's incredible.
- How How do you do that? - Pick another.
- Uh, take two.
- Two? This is a gift, Mr.
President.
This is really extraordinary that any human could do this.
Freeze! FBI! Drop it.
Let's go.
See? No problema.
You are wrong, mein Herr.
I'm afraid you have a very big problema.
Very good.
Prepare for the hanging.
The minute I found out who you guys were, we immediately went to a diversion plan.
Yeah.
Only it backfired.
- Nice job, fellas.
- Thanks.
Silence, mes amis.
Uh, Mr.
President, how about a last request? No.
I thought so.
And what is that supposed to mean? Oh, all you fly-by-night dictators are the same.
I am not a fly-by-night dictator, you peon.
Now, tell me you are sorry.
I just wanted to shave.
You what? You what? If I'm gonna meet my maker, I want to be presentable.
You have a certain je ne sais quoi.
Uh, what if I grant this request? Will you apologize? Yes.
Yeah.
Bon.
Sergeant.
Razor.
What are you up to? Just get ready to hold your breath.
Huh? I don't like this, Mr.
President.
MacGyver's an environmentalist.
You can't trust those people.
You dare to question my judgment? And maybe you would care to join them, monsieur? No thanks, not today.
You did not think I would be so stupid as to give you a blade, did you? No, no, that'll be fine, just fine.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Could I, uh, borrow your mirror? Merci.
Hurry up.
You are worse than a woman.
Sorry.
That is it! I do not want an apology anymore.
I want a hanging.
All right, all right, just, uh, one last thing here.
What? This.
The helicopter! It has caught fire! Sergeant.
Do something! What do you think? I think they're asleep.
So, MacGyver, you know what to do at a bar mitzvah? Sit.
Listen.
Maybe say mazel tov when it's over.
Face it, Jeffrey, Abe's not coming.
What about MacGyver? He's always dependable.
That's true.
But he's with Abe now.
It's It's a whole new ball game, son.
Okay.
Let-Let's go in.
Cantor, Rabbi, everyone, let's go in.
We'll start the bar mitzvah now.
Honey? Come.
They made it! They're here! You were going to start without the grandfather? And godfather? What's that all about? I knew you'd make it.
Thank you, MacGyver.
What am I, chopped liver? Thanks for being here, Pop.
Did you have any doubts? Don't answer that.
Mazel tov.
Mazel tov, son.
So, Gramps, w-what kept you? Well, we ran into some colleagues of mine, uh, tuba salesmen.
Tuba salesmen? Come on, Pop, tell the truth for once in your life.
Okay, okay, they weren't tuba salesmen.
S-S-So, what happened? Uh MacGyver? What? Huh? Oh, uh, well, it's - It's kind of complicated.
- It's kind of complicated.