MacGyver (2016) s01e03 Episode Script


1 MacGYVER: In my line of work, no one expects to live forever.
I know I'm not exactly a "safety first" kind of guy, but I thought I'd at least make it to 30.
Fist fight with Vladimir Putin in space, read the rest of the Harry Potter books, sing with Willie Nelson Jack, what the hell are you talking about?! It's my bucket list, Mac.
You know what's not on that list? Hanging out in a burning building that you set on fire! Okay, admittedly, not my best plan.
But it did get the Somali warlords off of our tail.
RILEY (over radio): Fighting Putin in space? Like, how would that even happen? I don't know, Riley.
Life's full of surprises.
How's our exit strategy coming? Just hacked a Somali government database and downloaded the blueprints.
There's a stairwell on your right in 300 feet.
Well, did Thornton get the coordinates we sent? I did, indeed.
We're targeting a drone strike.
General Dalmar's chemical weapons factory should be history in three, two, one.
I heard somebody say burn, baby, burn Mission accomplished.
Come on home, boys.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Disco inferno Burn, baby, burn Burn that mother down Riley, I don't suppose there's another staircase we can use.
Uh, no.
What's wrong with that one? It'd probably be quicker to tell you what's not wrong with it.
Okay, there's a window about 50 feet down the hall on your left.
But there is one catch.
Burn, baby, burn, burn the mother down MacGYVER: That's a pretty big catch.
Unless you can find about 50 more of those, we still got a pretty major problem here.
The only thing on my bucket list is getting out of this building alive.
Take care of that window for me, please.
MacGYVER: So maybe I'm an extreme example, but my grandfather always used to say that none of us really knows how long we have left.
So I guess we have to ask ourselves: Will I just go gently into that good night or am I willing to risk it all on a leap of faith? Any last words? (chuckles) (both yelling) Now! (both yelling) (grunting, groaning) Hey, Mac.
Yeah? I think I can cross pooping my pants off my bucket list.
(laughs) Whew.
(laughs) California's been good to me Hope it don't fall into the sea Sometimes you got to trust yourself It ain't like anywhere else MacGYVER: Home, sweet Hollywood.
After another brush with death, it's always great to come back to L.
, where everything is nice, normal And what the hell? Mac! Perfect timing.
Hey, Bozer, what are you doing? It's for my movie.
Come here.
Turn around.
Is it about ping-pong balls now? What? No.
It's for the CGI.
Wait, what CGI? For the space monster.
There's a space monster? Of course there's a space monster.
Did you not read the rewrite? 17th draft, man.
Try to keep up.
You're playing the monster.
Wait, I thought I was playing the general.
You're both.
Now, in this scene, you, the monster, have just eaten the brains of you, the general.
- So now you, the monster, have - Wait.
Bozer, if this is all CGI, why can't you be the monster? But who would direct me? - Not thinking, Mac.
- (phone ringing) Use that brain, man.
Well, if Affleck can do it, so can you.
Sorry, work.
Take that.
Go talk science with your think tank buddies and leave me here without a monster.
(scoffs) Monster.
No one cares.
(Jack chuckles) You should have seen it, Pop.
The whole building is on fire, and we jump out, ass-backwards, with these air bag things.
We were we were fearless.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
The kid was fearless, I was scared as hell, but I ain't gonna let him know it, you know what I mean? Hey.
How's your dad? Why don't you go ahead and ask him yourself.
He's listening.
Hi, Mr.
How's life? Sorry, Pop, he didn't mean to be rude, he's just weird.
Poor thing, he's a genius when it comes to physics, but when it comes to metaphysics, he's a little slow.
Every time we get nearly killed, you come down here to talk to your dead dad, and I'm the weird one? Hey, it's little rituals like this that give life meaning.
Besides, there's not a lot of people out there you can talk to about classified missions, and my old man can keep a secret.
Can't you, Pop? Well, ready to go get almost killed again? (sighs) Emphasis on "almost.
" I'm gonna bring him back in one piece, all right? Yeah, all right.
Time to go do that work, Pop.
I'll see you soon.
I love you, boy.
So you, uh you been talking to your dad lately? Eh, it's been a while.
Okay, it's been a long while.
Well, that's long enough.
I mean, after what he did, you're gonna want to fix that, trust me.
I will, someday.
That's what I used to say till I almost ran out of somedays.
Just give the man a call before it's too late.
- All right? - It's just not that easy.
Yeah, well, it ain't that hard, neither.
If I could have one more day to sit and talk with my dad instead of that hunk of rock, I'd do anything.
This thing with your dad's different.
I'm not saying you should forget, but maybe it's time you forgive just a little bit.
You know? THORNTON: All right, let's get to work.
Over the past two years, five federal buildings in the U.
have been attacked, killing 28 people and wounding hundreds more.
Explosives analysis from the most recent attack links these incidents to a group called Division 77.
D-77? Heard stories about them in prison.
They're like mercenaries or something, right? MacGYVER: Terrorists for hire.
Ex-insurgents and extremists who traded in their politics for cold hard cash.
They're highly trained and very careful.
Every member hidden by multiple false identities.
Every expense paid for by shell corporations.
- So how do we find these guys? - We don't.
Not directly.
But by digging into their shell corps, the FBI followed D-77's money, and it all leads back to one man.
Hedge fund golden boy Ralph Kastrati.
Oh, that is a punchface.
Excuse me? Oh, you heard me.
Some dudes, they just have this face that really needs to be punched.
My mom dated a guy like that once.
(Jack scoffs) So we don't know how to find them, but we do know where Ralph is? He fled the U.
in 2015 to avoid trial for 561 counts of securities fraud.
But he's just been located hiding out in the tropical tax haven of Labuan, Malaysia, making millions managing D-77's money.
If we can combine the FBI intel with everything that Ralph knows about their financials We may be able to track them down before their next attack, okay.
Well, shouldn't we just let the Malaysian cops pick him up? We believe D-77 has informants within the Malaysian government.
If D-77 hides Ralph before we can get to him, we're gonna lose our only chance to stop them.
So we can't go the official route.
MacGYVER: Which leaves the unofficial route: us.
Yeah, okay, I want a piece of that.
- RALPH: Exile? - (rap music playing) Are you kidding me, bro? Even if I wasn't a wanted man, I'd still be living in Lubuan, yo.
I'm like God down here.
Nah, bigger than God.
(laughs) (over monitor): I'm telling you, you got to come join me, brah.
Hitting the hottest clubs, the finest honeys, making more cheddar than any of you hedge fund chumps back home.
"Is it safe?" Listen to you.
Of course it's safe.
I just fired my bodyguards and pocketed their salaries, yo.
Trust me, Uncle Sam don't have a clue where I am.
I mean, unless being parked outside your house watching you on thermal and visible and tracking your GPS counts as having a clue.
JACK: Guy's place looks like a Kardashian exploded.
Straight cheese.
Secret system? What are you talking about, man? Oh Oh, I want to punch this guy in the face so bad.
Well, I want that for you, too, buddy, but the trick's to do it without tipping off the local police, which could tip off D-77.
Take a look.
(sighs) Huh.
Ralph may be too arrogant to pay for bodyguards, but his security system is state-of-the-art.
It's on a wireless network, but with this kind of encryption, it could take days to break in.
Which is time we don't have.
Maybe we don't have to break in if Ralph gives us the code.
MacGYVER: Okay, cards on the table, I'm not great with computers.
While most kids were learning how to use their first laptop, I was taking mine apart to see how it worked.
I never quite figured that out, but I did learn enough to know this: the biggest flaw in any computer system is usually the person controlling it.
So why hack a computer when you can hack a human being? Using a handful of Wi-Fi chips and a soda can as a directional antenna, I can disrupt the Wi-Fi signal to Ralph's alarm keypad.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Wireless signal interrupted.
MacGYVER: Which triggers the alarm, which gets Ralph to type in his code, which we can see.
(alarm continues blaring) Lonely? - Bro, your mom is lonely.
- (alarm stops) I'm just trying to get you in on that sweet Malaysian transaction action.
RILEY: Nice.
Now we just have to wait for him to go to sleep.
I'm brushing my teeth with caviar and foie gras.
JACK: Hey, do I seriously have to listen to this asshat for the rest of the day? Uh, actually, Ralphie times his sleep to the American markets.
You have to listen to this asshat all night.
(groans) Noise canceling.
Have fun.
I got to make me some of those.
I'm gonna knock the curls off this kid, I'm telling you.
(snores) (beep) (snoring) Hello? (screams) Aah! Son of a Aw, man.
(Ralph whimpers) - Look, I had to do it, you know? - I'm just saying, we have clearly defined roles here, Mac, okay? Riley does all the computer stuff, you do your thing, and I do the punching, all right? You don't see me going around making bombs out of paper clips and chewing gum, do you? No.
It frustrates me, man.
I mean What? How much is the government paying you guys, huh? I'll triple it and throw in a rare Wu-Tang album for free.
Look, all we need from you is intel on the D-77 terrorists and their next attack.
Attack? I don't know anything.
I'm just their money man.
Yeah, I'm punching him anyway.
It's coming, fool.
It's coming.
Now, let's get out of here.
You are gonna tell us how to find D-77 right now.
Bro, I told you, I just handle their money, all right? I know account numbers, balances, not where they are or what they're planning.
But, hey, you guys like boats? I can get you two brand-new, murdered out - (silenced gunshot) - Sniper! Get down, get down! (coughs) Please don't let me die.
Riley, we're taking sniper fire.
Can you get a visual on the shooter? RILEY: Got him.
One dude, on the roof, big-ass gun.
Looks like D-77 was keeping an eye on their money man.
It's gonna take months to sift through this stuff without Ralph to explain it.
We get him and his intel to the FBI before these mercs take their money and run.
Does a doctor factor into this plan at all? Because in case you haven't noticed, I just got shot! (silenced gunshots continue) MacGYVER: We're not gonna make it to you, Riley, and Ralph isn't gonna make it home without medical attention.
Find a doctor and meet us at the exfil.
RILEY: What are you guys gonna do, walk? Nah, we're gonna take his whip.
You ready? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
No, no! My car's mint, yo! Diddy's got one just like it.
Is that really what you're worried about right now?! - Aw, dude! - (alarm blares, stops) I have the key! (grunting) (tires screech) Okay, the bullet hit your lung and missed your heart, looks like you got lucky.
You call this lucky, bro? You have any idea how hard it is to get bloodstains out of calfskin? Hey, unless you start telling us everything you know about D-77, your luck's about to get a lot worse, I can tell you that much.
I'm a glorified accountant, bro.
What do you want me to tell you, that I put them in large blend index funds so they can ensure steady growth? Jack, he's got a sucking chest wound.
I got to find a way to seal it.
Where's the duct tape when you need it, right? Hey, eyes on the road, Jethro.
This car's worth more than your house.
Oh, as soon as you're done saving his life, I'm gonna kill him.
You hear that, smart-ass? I'm already dressed for a funeral.
- (phone ringing) - (phone beeps) Guys, satellite picked up gunfire near Ralph's house.
Is everything okay? Y-Yeah.
Everything's everything's fine.
Oh, God, there's blood everywhere.
THORNTON: That doesn't sound fine.
How's the package? Ralph? He he's-he's good.
He just, he got kind of shot.
He what? Yeah, yeah, no biggie.
Just in the shoulder.
Yeah, but this part of his shoulder that's kind of his chest.
Listen, D-77 knows you have Ralph.
We need to assume they're going to move up their timetable rather than passing up a payday.
Now we have even less time to stop them.
And we don't even know where they're gonna strike.
(gasps) I don't feel so good, bro.
- Here, take this.
- (Ralph groaning) Yeah, uh, hey, hey, hey, Patti, it's Jack.
We're gonna have to call you back, okay? (phone beeps) Hey, wallet.
MacGYVER: I've seen my share of life-and-death situations, and if there's a key to living through them, it's this: don't panic.
If you can force yourself to take a minute, breathe and actually think, the solution's generally right in front of you.
In this case, literally.
A hole in the lungs can fill the chest with air, making it impossible to breathe.
The trick is to let the air out while keeping everything else in.
In hospitals, they use a needle with a one-way valve.
But in the field, a driver's license vent seal does the job nicely.
This might sting a little.
(panting) Are you a doctor? Not even a little.
Oh, God, I'm gonna die.
Hey, Mac, our patient still alive? (country music playing over radio) - And kicking.
- No.
Do not play country music on my radio.
It's an affront to everything this car stands for.
Oh, is that right? Well, unless you figure out how to connect D-77's spending to the location of their next attack, it's country music all the way home, Curly-Q.
I ain't even turned it up yet.
I told you, they draw lump sums to a Cayman account.
I don't know where it goes from there, all right? Any luck finding a doctor? Tracked down the best doctor on the island.
Which wasn't easy, since it's his day off.
Got a lock on his cell signal.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
"Best on the island" doesn't mean much.
How many Yelp stars does he have? JACK: Hey, you're gonna be seeing Yelp stars if you don't shut up.
You shut up.
All right, I'm sending you a video of Ralph's wounds so the doctor can take a look.
(phone beeps) Sweet.
Not at all gross.
Thanks for giving me absolutely no warning.
(phone beeping) Hey, Mac, I think I got him.
Megat? Hi.
My name is Riley.
Uh, I know this is gonna sound weird, but (speaking Malaysian) Uh, guys we have a problem.
Yeah, so do we.
The sniper's on our tail.
Hang on.
Faster would be good.
I'm flooring it.
This car sucks.
- Hey, this car's worth more than your life - We know! I don't want to die listening to country music! (gunshot) (tires screeching) RALPH: Car! Car! Oh, my God, I really am gonna die! I don't know if your plan is to make me throw up, but it's definitely working.
MacGYVER: Like Ralph, a lot of people spend their lives focused on the wrong thing.
Normally, it's a bad habit.
But it was exactly what I needed the sniper chasing us to do.
JACK: You making a bomb? Hmm? 'Cause if you're making a bomb, that would be awesome.
Wait, shouldn't you you be throwing the bomb? Why aren't you throwing it? MacGYVER: Because it's not a bomb.
The headrest is made of flame-resistant foam, so it'll never burn, but it'll smoke like crazy.
(coughs) Hey, maybe we should, uh, talk about some short-term goals, 'cause now I think you're just making it easier for them to tail us.
(tires screeching) Jack, get me closer to that truck.
Aw, sweet! (laughing) (tires screeching) Smoked 'em.
- Don't.
- Don't what? - You know how I feel about your puns.
- Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
(phone ringing) RILEY: Mac, I'm here with the doctor.
You got to listen to this.
(speaking Malaysian) AUTOMATED VOICE: If you don't act out a bicoastal breast plumbing procedure, the sick person will become not alive.
(coughing) Now.
Doc said Ralph needs surgery now.
(gasping, coughing) Oh, God.
Something's wrong.
Like, really wrong.
Okay, just tell us where to meet so the doctor No, like, now, now, now! Doc said he's surprised Ralph hadn't crashed already.
He'll be dead in about four minutes unless you do the surgery now.
MacGYVER: Truth told, I got a "C" in biology.
But we were Ralph's only shot, and if he was gonna live, a lot of bacteria were gonna have to die.
Hey, Ralph? - He's not looking so good, Mac.
- Get him in the back.
When you can't get your hands on a surgical suite, the back of an SUV and the germ-killing power of hand sanitizer will do in a pinch.
But prepping for surgery was the easy part.
JACK: I got you.
That's it, that's it.
(coughing) Are you ready? Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You hear that? What? He finally stopped talking.
Let's just Let's enjoy that for a second.
(grunting) Well, we are as ready as we'll ever be.
What do we need to do? (speaking Malaysian) AUTOMATED VOICE: Don't worry.
I will walk you through the procedure, feet by feet.
Uh, I think that means "step by step.
" MacGYVER: Okay, sure.
But that doesn't help us with the "don't worry" part.
RILEY: Okay, Doc said Ralph has something called hemothorax, which is a buildup of blood in the chest that makes it impossible for him to breathe.
If you don't drain the fluid, he'll basically drown on dry land.
So all you have to do is perform an intercostal chest drain procedure.
In the back of an SUV with no surgical equipment.
What could go wrong? (groans) Okay, so step one is pretty easy.
You just need to make a small incision between his fourth and fifth ribs.
(groans softly) Step two is a little more complicated.
You just need to find a way to spread his ribs apart.
(squishing) (bones cracking) (groans) Can't unsee that.
(speaking Malaysian) AUTOMATED VOICE: And now the liquid away you must suck.
Don't look at me, man.
I'll suck out snake venom, you know, depending on where it is, but I ain't going anywhere near that.
(air hissing) Hey.
Go hit the windshield wipers for me.
I can do that.
MacGYVER: I'm no doctor, but my grandfather taught me a thing or two about cars.
The same pump that sprays wiper fluid on your windshield should be powerful enough to pull the fluid out of Ralph's chest before he drowns.
(chuckles): Oh.
(coughing) Is that my blood? (MacGyver and Jack chuckle) MacGYVER: Good job, Riley.
Okay, Doc and I are about two minutes out.
Ralph ready to go? Close enough.
We're on our way now.
Your hands are like sandpaper, bro.
Ever try moisturizer? Get some.
All right, you carry him.
Hey, yo, yo, yo, what about my baby? We can't just leave it here unlocked.
I'm trying to imagine how your resale value could go down any more.
Let me guess, you're gonna be late to the exfil.
Yeah, but we got a killer excuse.
I doubt your black ops exfil squad operating illegally on foreign soil will want to hear it.
But let me see what I can do.
How late will you be? 30 minutes, tops.
(tires screech) Make that 35 minutes! Elevator! (tires screech) (elevator bell dinging) Unless you want to patch up a lot more bullet holes, you better come up with a new plan.
I'm telling you, these guys aren't gonna stop till this little piggy's dead.
- We're just gonna have to kill him.
- What?! Well, we're eight floors away from the mercs trying to kill us, and it looks like we're in some sort of tax haven law firm.
- So we should be able to find everything that we need.
- All right.
Maybe this is the blood loss talking, but I-I could swear you said you were planning to kill me.
Right now, I just need you to focus on D-77.
Is there anything in their financials that could tell us the location of their next attack? Hey.
How are we supposed to get Sir Bleedsalot past her? Want me to turn on the charm? We don't have time for the charm.
I'll do the English accent.
Chicks dig that.
You have a horrible British accent.
RILEY: All right, so here's the deal.
I just hacked your servers.
This is proof of all the money your company illegally hides for high-ranking government officials around the world.
So unless you want this on the front page of every news site, you're gonna go get your boss and tell her to bring her checkbook.
Let's go.
Just when I was starting to forget how scary you can be.
I'm still totally gonna leak that stuff though.
So, the doctor didn't have any syringes in his golf bag.
I'm fine.
I'll figure something out.
RALPH: Wait, wait, come on, man.
You come on, man.
Yo, yo, yo.
Wh-What about this whole "you killing me" thing, huh? Well, Jack is right.
They ain't gonna stop looking for you till you're dead.
So you need to be dead.
I need a ballpoint pen, eye drops and dental floss.
Bro, why you need a ballpoint pen? Um (coughs) MacGYVER: Killing someone and bringing them back to life isn't easy, especially if you're doing it with office supplies.
But for this to work, I needed something a little harder to get my hands on: beta blockers, aka high blood pressure meds.
Lucky for me, one out of three people have high blood pressure, and an executive's corner office seemed like a good place to look.
In 99.
9% of life-and-death situations, you're gonna want to go with "life.
" But this just wasn't one of those times.
It's hard to express the degree in which I am not cool with this.
- Live now, complain later.
- (gun clicks) We got company, Mac one of those shooters from the garage.
Okay, showtime, Mac.
I got your six.
We got your six.
(coughing) Okay, so you're not a doctor, but you're at least, like, a scientist, right? Uh, not really.
- What? - Relax.
We're not actually going to kill you.
The drugs in this needle are just going to drop your blood pressure enough so that no one can detect your pulse.
Survive like that for an hour, and then I'll come in with another shot and reverse the process.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You shoot that in my arm, I die out there surrounded by randos, the D-77 guys see my dead body and bug out.
Then you slip me the antidote and, hey, I'm back, baby.
(chuckles) Right? Almost.
Almost? I'm not gonna shoot it into your arm.
(groaning) Injecting it closer to your heart lets me use a lower dose.
Okay, so you're not a doctor.
You're not a scientist.
How the hell do you know all this stuff? I read a lot of books.
And you're ready with the antidote, right? Dude, what the hell, man?! You-you have the antidote, right? I mean, I-I will.
Trust me.
Oh Now, go die.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I know I'm annoying and pretentious and there's the whole "I managed money for terrorists" thing, but don't let me die, okay? Not yet.
I can do better.
I can be better.
Grow the hell up.
Maybe have kids.
Oh, God, I got to call my mom.
I got to call my mom.
I can't die without I haven't talked to my mom in years, you know? Hey.
It's gonna be okay.
I promise.
See you on the other side.
(coughs) Those D-77 guys sometimes they'd ask me to set up a shell corp in a specific city, which is weird, because who cares where a dummy corporation is based, right? Anyway, I don't know if this helps or not, but last week they had me set one up in Miami, Sunset Atlantic Holdings, LLC.
MacGYVER: Miami Beach.
Now we know what D-77's next target is.
(bystanders murmuring) Oh, my God! He's not breathing! Somebody call a doctor! (engine stops) Looks like your little trick worked well enough to fool the EMTs.
Here's to hoping it didn't work so well we can't bring him back.
Exactly what I need to bring back the dead.
The doctor give you these? Oh, hell no.
When I explained your plan, he said some very rude things that roughly translated to: "Screw you guys, I'm going home.
" Had to hack the security system at a pharmacy to get those.
We sure about bringing him back? I kind of like him this way.
(phone ringing) - MacGYVER: Hey, boss.
- Well, it cost me a case of bourbon and a pile of hazard pay, but your exfil team is still standing by.
And Ralph is still the key to stopping their next attack.
How's he doing? Ralph? Uh, yeah, he's fine.
I mean, he's dead, but he'll get better.
He's what? I dosed him up with a bunch of beta blockers to fake his death and get D-77 off our tail.
As soon as the local EMTs put him in the back of the coroner's van Which is my coroner's van now.
I'll give him a heaping helping of insulin and glucose, and, uh, it'll counteract the drug.
Ralphie gets to the car, we head to the exfil.
And we should have him any second.
RILEY: Whoa, guys, flag on the play.
Looks like D-77's got the cops and the M.
on their payroll.
"Uh-oh"? Wh-What's "uh-oh"? JACK: No, no, he said he said, "Go, go," like, "We got to go, Patti.
" Okay, good talk, bye.
(phone beeps) RILEY: Why are they taking the body? MacGYVER: Proof that he's dead.
RILEY: And when they find out he's not, they're gonna kill him.
RILEY: Mac, uh, we got about ten minutes left to give him that shot.
All the shots in the world won't help if he's missing his head.
We need to move fast.
Whoa, guys.
We need a plan.
It's two dudes.
Plan is simple: - We go in there and we kick their - RILEY: Jack.
Looks like your two dudes just became an army.
JACK: Okay.
Not so simple.
RILEY: Is that a hacksaw? If you can handle two, that leaves about six.
I can probably take them out.
RILEY: Okay, one, no, you can't.
Two, "I can probably take them out" doesn't count as a plan.
Well, sure it is.
First, I'll take the two, then I'll take out the other four.
Or I can take them all out.
RILEY: I like that idea.
MacGYVER: Jack, I could use some help.
JACK: Yeah.
Sorting garbage? I'll pass.
MacGYVER: Yeah, that's what I love about old Jack.
He sees the world through a different pair of lenses.
Although he's not wrong.
Most people would agree that I'm knee deep in a pretty rank trash container, but not me.
In my mind, this is a treasure chest filled with unlimited possibilities.
("Call Me the Breeze" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing) Well, now they call me the breeze I keep blowing down the road I ain't got me nobody I won't carry me no load Ain't no change in the weather You seriously want me to put this on my face? Only if you like breathing.
We may think we're playing it safe, but we all spend most of our lives surrounded by some pretty deadly stuff.
The refrigerant in your air conditioner can kill you in under five minutes.
But it'll knock you out in less than two.
(men coughing, choking) I know! That felt good, didn't it, buddy?! But I think my left is getting jealous! (whoops) (coughing) Time's up, Mac.
If you haven't given him that shot yet, it might be too late.
Only one way to find out.
(Jack grunting) Why are you still standing?! (inhales) (yells) Come on, big man! (yelling) Jack! Never mind.
(coughing) (coughing continues) Did it work? Is he? JACK: Ralphie.
Hey, come on, man.
You're too big a pain in the ass to give up that easy.
(snoring) Ralph! (gasps) Who took my sleep mask? Oh, God.
Wh-Why am I laying on a dirty floor? Huh? These pants are designer, yo.
And I'm covered in schmutz.
You know, it's weird.
I'm glad he's alive, but I still want to kill him.
Yeah, I love you, too, Jethro.
Our intel on that Miami shell corp led to the arrest of six D-77 mercenaries before they could carry out their attack.
And a full interrogation of Ralph should help take down D-77's whole organization, right? Actually, it's not an interrogation anymore.
It's testimony.
Ralph's cooperating completely.
And I'm working on having him placed in Witness Protection.
I'm thinking Vegas, baby! Ooh, ooh.
Or Miami, you know, 'cause I saved that town and all.
Those bikini models are gonna want to thank me personally.
THORNTON: As we've discussed, you'll be getting a new identity.
And you won't be able to tell anybody who you really are or what you've done.
All right, Jane Bond.
I feel ya.
Fresh start.
I could probably use one of those, right? Or a whole new personality.
You joke, little hottie, but after bravely staring death in the face, I've decided to change the game.
I want to use my powers for good, ya heard? Gonna invest my millions in making the world a better place for the little children the future Ralphs.
Well, you know, I hate to break it to you, but you're broke.
Your millions are now in evidence, and you're not gonna be seeing any of it.
So That seems cruel and unusual.
MacGYVER: Nah, it's not so bad.
Starting with nothing, making it up as you go along I do it all the time.
I'm down.
Might even be good for my health.
(quietly): Come on.
Give me some love.
Come on.
Come on.
- Mm-mm.
- Ah? - Don't.
- Mm-hmm.
(groans) Thank you, thank you.
Bring it back.
Wha this? (sighs): Oh.
Don't hate.
Everybody needs a little seed money, yo.
I'll still give you 20 bucks, you let me hit you in the face.
Are you kidding me? Keep your money.
This face? It's priceless.
Let's go, big guy.
I gotta get out of here.
- How about 40? - RALPH: You don't have $40.
I got an extra $20.
I'll throw in on that.
(laughs) (groaning) (grunting) (phone beeps) That was it, man.
That was the take.
I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I see an Oscar.
Do we want to know? Probably not.
BOZER: Yo, Riley! Want to be the first to peep my badass movie monster and epic CGI skills? It's just CG, computer graphics.
What could the "I" possibly stand for? Incredible.
Check it out.
Watch this, watch this.
Okay, wait.
That's not even remotely how this program is supposed to work.
Oh, I like it when a woman takes charge.
Yes, I do.
(sighs) I was visiting my dad today, and he told me to give you something.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Call your father, dude.
Nobody lives forever.
That's never gonna work.
What do you mean? I'm writing him a letter.
A letter? That you put in the mail? (laughs) Come on, man.
It's 2016.
Not to my dad it isn't.
You just gonna watch? Not anymore.
MacGYVER: They say life is what happens while you're making other plans.
And that describes most of my days pretty well.
But every once in a while, you have to give life a little nudge to make sure you get to do the things that really matter, before it's too late.
I don't know if one letter will change anything, but I guess that's life, isn't it?