Mad About You s02e10 Episode Script

- Hey there.
- Hey.
Finally made it.
- Where's Fran? - She's in the ladies' room changing her mascara for the third time.
Was she crying again? Man, she's got a lot of water inside her head.
Be nice, she just got her divorce papers.
- We know, we know.
- We know, we know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you? I'm good.
This is good.
- I'll be fine.
- You will.
You really, really will.
Aye, to think you and me could be married.
- You and I.
- Aye.
Would you stop making such a big deal out of it? So she cried a little.
No, no, no, Fran was not crying, she was wailing.
- There's a big difference.
- No one heard her.
No one heard? The actors were distracted.
That's right, Jerry Orbach gave me the finger.
You didn't see that? This play didn't bother you? No, I liked it.
Then the other guy I don't get that.
What's that? He's a constable in the Irish countryside.
Why does he have a French accent? - It was a good accent.
- Lf you're in France, it's a good accent.
- This guy was not in France.
- Hi, doggy.
I'm starving.
You want a sandwich? Doggy needs to go out.
Well, person needs to have tuna fish.
Ten minutes for tuna fish, then you.
We must find the road to Dublin.
The road to What the hell was that? You know what, that was a bad accent.
- What did I say? - It's bothering me now.
I know.
And a little thing like that, it ruins the whole thing for me.
It's like at work today, Lou wants me to cut three minutes of the film.
For him, it's no big deal, it's three minutes.
But to me, once you take that out, everything afterwards is What? - You're very cute.
- What? You get so upset.
- That amuses you? - No.
You're amused I'm upset? That entertains you? - No.
No.
No.
- It's a big joke to you? I think it's great that you care so much.
Of course I care.
Look, it's my work.
I never cared that much about my work.
Sure you did.
Every night you came home, you were upset.
Because I was working with idiots.
Well, so now you quit.
You're free.
There are more idiots out there.
Look at this.
What is that? It's from Chapin, Baxter, Chapin & Chapin.
God.
I can't believe these guys rejected me.
- Are you looking for another job? - No.
So why would they reject you? Just in case you were wondering? They can't even write a decent rejection letter.
Like when you break up with someone You don't tell them the truth.
"You're not good in bed.
" You say, "I need some time," and "I'm not sure" then you let it fizzle out like an Alka-Seltzer.
I understand.
Meanwhile, you promised you were going to take some time off.
Eventually, I have to go back to work.
Eventually Okay, but you don't have to do something that you hate.
Yes, I do.
I'm a suit, a corporate Sally.
You're a corporate Sally, so you know what? Don't be.
- Easy for you to say.
- What? All right.
Come here.
Say we had a million dollars and you didn't have to worry about food or rent or anything.
We don't have a million dollars.
I made that part up.
But the rest is all true.
- Say you could do anything - What do you mean? - You know, wildest dreams.
- Join the circus? - You wanna join the circus? - No, not really.
- So why are you bothering me? - You're bothering me! I'm 30 years old.
There are certain doors that are closed.
They're not closed.
If you want to stop yourself, that's fine.
But I'm saying you should do whatever you wanna do.
- Really? - Yeah.
Check with me first but otherwise, yeah.
I don't even know what I'd do.
I'm not gonna swim in the Olympics.
I'm never gonna dance with Baryshnikov.
I forgot to tell you, he called today.
This isn't funny.
You have something you love to do.
I don't.
We'll find something you love.
And then, whatever you want to try, try.
You're bothering me.
You're pressuring me.
I'm not pressuring you.
I'm offering you the luxury.
Just pick whatever it is that would tickle your little heart.
I have nothing that tickles my little heart.
All right.
- Can I ask one more question? - What? Is this still good? One, one thousand, two, one thousand, three, one thousand I get it, Lou.
I get it.
And that's just three seconds.
Imagine 180 seconds.
The montage is too long.
But you know what? I like it.
I'm leaving it in.
- It's too long.
- Lou, the line.
Sorry.
I'm leaving it in.
Hitchcock sometimes would have a montage seven minutes long.
And where is Hitchcock today? Nickelodeon.
After Superman, before Dragnet, can't miss it.
- Hello.
- Hi, Jamie.
- What are you doing here? - I had lunch with Fran.
- I thought I'd bring you a sandwich.
- Aren't you a nice person? - Who's Fran? - A friend of ours.
She's going through a divorce.
- Tragic.
- How's she doing today? She's better, except for this brief crying jag during dessert.
Something about reminding her of the way Mark proposed.
Do you know, I once had a friend Okay, it was me.
I wanted to propose to this very nice girl so I took her to dinner and slipped the ring into her dessert.
How romantic.
Unfortunately, she swallowed the thing cut a hole in her trachea about yay long.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah.
Coffee? I'll have a cup with a little milk.
Great.
I'll get it.
Won't be long.
I'll be back in under a minute.
- One, one thousand, two - All right, all right, I get it.
If Lou asks, you love long montages.
You love long montages.
Just say that after me.
You love long montages.
- Lou's single, isn't he? - You're not supposed to say that.
- Do you think Fran would like him? - No.
Let's go out to dinner, just the four of us.
- Listen to me.
No.
- Hey, she's my best friend.
Then do her a favor.
A social thing would really boost her confidence.
A social thing? You know, you're a funny individual.
I tell you you should do anything you want that's what you come up with? Lou and Fran? I'm warming up.
Her life is easier to fix than mine.
Fine.
Even if we did, why would we have to be there? Because first dates are very awkward.
Yeah, right.
So who wants to watch that? You're being very difficult.
I'm not.
I don't even know if Lou would be interested in Fran.
- For all I know, I think Lou is gay.
- I'm not gay.
Fran's the one who's separated, right? - Yeah.
- I'll go out with her.
I want to.
- John Goodman.
- Yeah.
- Mick Jagger.
- Mick Jagger still? - In a second.
- Wow.
Okay, that's two.
And Joe Namath.
You wanna sleep with Joe Namath? Only because it would make Mark dive off a bridge.
- Your turn.
- Okay.
Well, Bruce Springsteen.
Tom Brokaw.
I know.
- Yannick Noah.
- Who's that? - The tennis player.
- No.
This gorgeous, black sweater that I think would look so good with that.
Talking about clothes, there's a big surprise.
- What? - You just know us so well.
Well, Lou's gonna be here any second.
The screening's been over 20 minutes.
- Who's he screening? - They're screening Paul's film.
- That's good.
- Well, we'll see if it's good.
There he is.
Lou.
Over here.
Fran, Lou.
Lou Bonaparte.
No relation.
- Nice to meet you.
- Look.
Chairs.
So, Lou, Lou, what did they say? Did they like it? - I don't know.
- What do you mean you don't know? They made me leave.
Said I was hovering.
I hover.
While you were hovering, did you get an impression that they liked it? - I don't know.
- Come on, guys, let's order.
- Thank you.
- What are you getting? - Ziti is what? - Tubes.
I'm gonna get the nice, juicy slab of prime rib.
- We're playing racquetball later.
- That's later.
Did you know that in 10 ounces of meat, two ounces are blood? I'm torn.
I'm torn between the chicken and the trout.
Incidentally, that was my favorite story growing up: The Chicken and the Trout.
- You get trout, I'll get chicken.
- That's why you're smart.
- Okay, how are you doing? - Good.
- Good.
Are you ready? - I think so.
Ladies? I'll have the prime rib.
And is there any way that I could get half a dinner salad? What do you mean, like, half? - Yes.
- I'll see if they can make that.
Also, I don't have a napkin.
- Do you want one? - No.
I just don't understand how long it takes them to watch a one-hour movie.
Why don't they just call? So, Lou, Paul tells me that you were valedictorian at Amherst.
You said that? That's sweet.
Yes, four years of business school.
- Me too.
- And I was also on the tumbling team.
- How did you get into producing? - Well, first I became an accountant.
Which, you know, would follow straight into producing.
Like, "How did you become an astronaut?" "Well, I taught volleyball.
" So, just like that, you just changed careers? - Yes, it was time.
- God, that's great.
- Why's that great? - You wouldn't understand.
- Why wouldn't I? - Because you're lucky.
You've always known what you wanted to do.
Okay.
Wait.
What is this? That's the Fisherman's Platter.
- We didn't order this.
- Are you table 14? We just don't know.
That's them, that's them.
Everybody: Hello.
It's Avery.
- Avery? That's Cinegroup.
- I bet they loved it.
- This is great.
- Tell me.
- The connection's like a bell.
- Give me the phone, please.
Avery? Hi, it's Paul.
What did you think of the film? Great.
Well, good, I liked that too.
- What did you think of the montage? - Paul.
- In the middle there? - Paul.
- Right after the cabby sequence.
- Paul! I cut it.
I'm gonna call you right back.
What? You cut it? I told you I thought it was too long.
Three minutes for a montage.
- You cut my film? - Honey.
- What the hell is that? - I'm the producer.
You're an accountant and a tumbler.
You're a tumbling accountant.
- Could I talk to you? - No, you can't - Please.
- What are you doing? Please, don't do this.
- He cut my film.
- I know you're upset, I understand.
But you don't have to ruin the whole evening.
Is this The Dating Game? My evening's shot.
I know how you feel.
No, you don't.
This would be like if somebody took your I don't know.
Somebody ruined something that you had.
God, you see that? I don't have a thing.
I don't have a thing for you to make a stupid analogy for.
We'll get you a thing, okay? - Meanwhile, he screwed up my thing.
- I know.
I feel terrible.
You know what I wanna do? I just wanna - What? - What do I wanna do? I wanna, you know, just See, I'm not violent.
That's my problem.
Hi.
Table for two? - We're from there.
- Okay.
You know what he is? He's a phone-toting, plaid pant-wearing film-cutting, backstabbing son of a bitch.
Do you think he liked Fran? - I don't think you're listening to me.
- Try to calm down.
I won't calm down.
I had a deal with Lou.
He broke it.
- Okay, be angrier.
- How would you like it? Say you had a dress you really loved, and Lou comes up and rips the dress.
- How would you feel? - It's a dress.
- You didn't make that dress.
- How do you know? I've got free time.
Maybe that's something I should do.
I'm good with clothes.
Can we finish with me first? I worked my ass off on that film, and he comes in and he ruins it.
Maybe three minutes won't make that much difference.
Why don't they cut off the last three minutes of Citizen Kane? Gee, that would be a nice movie then, huh? Would you like cinnamon toast? No, because I can't vent if I have toast in my mouth.
- I'll make us some.
- Know what it is with Lou? He's nice, he's sweet.
Then suddenly, he's not so nice, he's not so sweet.
I'll make you such yummy toast, you won't know what to do.
- I don't want toast.
- You love cinnamon toast.
- I'm too angry.
- Why don't you do something? - L What? - Fix it.
Fix what? I don't even have it.
They have it.
- Who? - Who? Cinegroup.
Well, steal it back.
Good idea.
That's what I'll do.
- I'll sneak into a building, I'll be a thief.
- It's your film.
- I know.
- So? So what? I'm not a thief.
I can't, you know.
Remember when they sent us two TV Guides? - You couldn't live with it.
- Couldn't live with it.
I can't.
I don't know what I don't have the stomach to steal.
- Call Ira.
- Call Ira.
That's a good idea.
Just call Ira.
Ira, that's a good idea.
- Let me do the talking.
- I'll be quiet.
- Good.
- I won't say a word.
Perfect.
What if he wants to know why I'm being so quiet? He's a security guard.
A lot of times, these guys used to be cops.
Pauly, we're doing this for you.
I don't want you to crumble like you did that time at the A&P.
You were the one who made me steal.
I didn't even want a Charleston Chew.
- Building's closed.
- All right.
No, no.
Look.
We're just going down to the vault to grab a film.
- The building's closed.
- Building's closed.
Wait, wait, wait.
- Excuse me, do you know who this is? - No.
This is the man that made the film New York at Night.
All right? Cinegroup produced it.
He's gotta go get it.
- You got a pass? - A pass? A pass? A pass? No.
But the guy, what's his name, told us to come get the film.
- Who? - Who? - Who? - Who? The guy.
What's his name.
I had lunch with him today.
He gave me his card.
The president of the company.
The president of the company.
- His name! - Oh, Avery.
Avery.
Avery.
I don't know anything about it.
Ah, jeez.
How could he not notify security? That's what I'd like to know.
They think we're psychic down here.
I mean, they expect us to know.
We don't know.
I don't know.
That really, really sucks.
That's unfair to you, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
- You said it.
I'm gonna wake Avery up right now.
I'm gonna call him and tell him.
- I wouldn't do that.
- No, it's his fault.
Why should this poor man be put on the spot? What's that fat slob's number? Hold it.
Mr.
Avery is not fat.
He doesn't mean fat.
He says fat in the sense of fatness of mind.
In that he's complacent or unthinking.
Here's $20.
Careful getting on the elevator, sir.
Thank you, and may I say that you are a credit to your badge, Bob.
Well, thank you very much, Mr.
Mantle.
- 21-6, 21-7, 11-0.
- You were great, James.
I shut you out twice.
You're a great racquetball player.
- I don't even play that much.
- You want a brownie? No.
If I were to play for, like, three or four hours every day I'd be fantastic! Why would you want to play for three or four hours a day? - Because I like it.
- Yeah, but if you played it that much you'd get sick of it.
Maybe I should join the pro tour.
The pro racquetball tour? Well, they have a pro bowling tour, right? That's what you wanna do with your life? Whack some little ball around a room? Well, what else am I going to do? I'm sick of sitting around doing nothing with my life.
- You're not doing nothing with your life.
- Well, it feels like I am.
Don't you want to have kids? - That's something completely different.
- It's great.
I mean, I know it's hard and it's painful and it's aggravating but you're gonna love it.
It's just like being married, only they don't leave you so fast.
Fran, I am not ready for that.
You're sure there's no such thing as a pro racquetball tour? - Have a brownie.
- I'm an athlete.
You're not an athlete.
You're 30 years old.
You're just trying to figure out the next 30.
Oh, my God.
These are unbelievable.
We should go into business and sell these.
Sell them to who, the place we bought them from? We could make them with walnuts.
They have them with walnuts.
It's not fair.
All the good careers are taken.
Here we go.
Put back the montage.
Now we got a perfect film.
Pauly, whatever happened to that film you got of Fran and Jamie at Jones Beach smearing lotion all over each other? - You're a sick person, you know that? - Well, you filmed it.
I filmed it, yeah, yeah, but you remembered.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You're up already? - No, still.
- How did it go? - Great.
I got in.
I changed it.
I got out.
Good for you.
Yeah, well, I'm a felon now, but I feel better.
- What's all this? - It's my old college stuff.
- How come? - I think I've decided what I want to do.
Well, all right.
"New Haven, by Jamie Stemple.
" What is this? It's either a short story or a novel I couldn't finish.
- Since when? - Freshman year.
I got a D on it.
Ouch, that ain't right.
Nobody gives my wife a D.
It's all right.
She's dead now.
But I really want you to read it.
I would love to read this.
This is just a first draft.
There's a million things wrong with it.
I'd just turned 18 and I was obsessed with this idea of driving at night.
I'm gonna take that out.
Basically, it's the story of this girl named Evelyn but she's called Debbie on a couple of pages.
And the first paragraph is wildly, wildly long.
But that's okay, I know how to fix that.
You know, you seem tired.
I'm gonna put this back.
- Well, I liked what I saw.
- It's not important.
You just said it's what you want to do.
If you'd come home 20 minutes earlier, I was gonna be a silversmith.
Sorry I missed that one.
Look at this.
This is freshman year, first semester.
Creative Writing: Fiction of Loss and Love.
In four years, I had two majors and seven boyfriends.
- Wow.
You were busy.
- I was so passionate.
- I was interested in everything.
- And everybody.
I wanna go back to school.
- You kidding? - No, I'm not kidding.
I think about it all the time.
And then I just convince myself I'm crazy.
- Tell me I'm not crazy.
- No, no, no, you're not crazy.
You know, you're always saying, "You only live once.
" Yeah, well, I got that from my parents.
I don't really know what it means.
I need to find something that I love as much as I love you.
- Do it.
- It's gonna cost a lot of money.
- It's all right, we'll handle it.
- How? Well, you'll get a basketball scholarship.
Listen to me.
This is a life decision here.
- So it's made.
- What if it's the wrong decision? - We made it together.
- No, listen to me right now.
I'm gonna be just as busy and obsessive and crazed as I was when I was working but I won't be making any money.
- It's okay.
Will you be happy? - Yes.
I really think yes.
Okay.
Then Because if you're happy, I'm happy.
That's the deal.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Well, you know, sure as a person like me could be.
Thank you.
Listen, and how many married men get to sleep with a pretty college girl? I love you.
Baby, I'm the greatest.
Lou, what do you mean you changed the credits? No, I just wanna have a blank screen, and the names go by.
I know people like the thing at the end there but it's distracting.
They can't watch the names if you have all the things Here's what you do.
Lou, you're killing me.
Try this.
Lou? Show the guy on the phone, all right? Then you have the sound of the racetrack, the hand and then the stupid horse with the wings.
That'll work.