Mad About You s02e11 Episode Script

- Oh, man, he was right.
- He was just teasing you.
Teasing me? Guy tells me I look like Charles Laughton.
He's teasing? Maybe he was talking to somebody else.
Son of a bitch calls me Charles Laughton.
- Charles Laughton was a terrific actor.
- Yeah, but he had, like, nine chins.
- He had a huge, huge, chubby face.
- You are not getting a chubby face.
Did you ever see Henry VIII? He would rip open half a goose and eat it right there at the table.
- You look gorgeous.
- I'm getting this double chin.
- I'm telling you.
- Go like this.
Now go like this.
A little bit.
Listen to those high notes.
I'm telling you.
- I need you to taste this.
- Listen to this.
That's a good finger.
- What about the pasta? - Pasta's good.
- Really? - Yeah.
Listen to this.
It's flat.
- How is that flat? It's gorgeous.
- I mean the pasta.
It's bland.
It's flat.
- It has no purpose.
- How much purpose could it have? There's nothing special about it.
It's a noodle.
We eat it and get rid of it.
- Yeah, but what's the point? - Honey, do yourself a favor.
Grab the ladle, give yourself a little tap on the head.
Does allspice really have every spice? Yes.
Everything except paprika.
- Really? - How do I know? - Why'd you make so much? - Because Lisa's coming over.
- I'm sorry? - My sister's coming over for dinner.
What? - I thought it was you and me tonight.
- You were fooled.
- Better? - Yeah.
What'd you put in there? - Everything.
- That's what it needed.
It's much better.
- I mean, why doesn't she? - Just - What a clever, clever girl.
- It means she's happy.
Don't go hide in the bedroom.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'm famous.
My shrink wrote a book.
Manics? It's been done.
Mike Connors.
Big hit.
No, Manics.
Like more than one manic.
Chapter 26.
Weep for me.
Chapter 26: "Edna on the Road to Nowhere.
" - Who's Edna? - Me, I'm Edna.
Well, I can see why you'd be so proud.
How do you know it's you? "Resentful of her mother's large breasts Edna doused her brassieres in kerosene and ignited them.
" Oh, my God.
- Your mother's got large breasts? - When she was younger.
- Then what happened? - They went away.
We don't know.
- Isn't this great? - Great? This is terrible.
- Are you okay? - Sure, I'm Edna.
This is so sad.
I know.
It's the saddest chapter in the whole book.
What about this guy, "Henry Out on a Ledge"? Nothing.
Guy had a couple breakdowns.
Boo-hoo.
Listen to this.
Interesting.
"Edna's earliest sexual fantasy can be traced back to her youthful preoccupation with clay.
" I just really don't need to know that.
- This is tragic.
- I know.
So why are you so happy? I'm on a road.
I've never had a road before.
- She's got a road.
- But it's a road to nowhere.
- At least it's a direction.
- You're right.
You are.
We should celebrate this.
It's too spicy? Paul liked it.
Didn't you? Or we could go out.
I love hot wax.
You know, it makes a very tasty beverage too.
- Here you go.
- I'm sorry, this is what? Right.
That's your check.
Unless you want to get something else.
- I thought we'd order dinner first.
- Oh, right.
- What can I get you? - Menus.
- And some water.
- Menus and water.
That'll be fine.
"Edna's emotional growth was thwarted by Stella's overbearing and suppressive ways.
" - Oh, my God.
- I am gonna get a salad.
This is serious.
This is my family.
Now it's out there in print for the whole world to read.
Mom would die.
How is anybody gonna know it's about your family? I'm hiring a publicist.
Do you need more time? Yes, and menus.
- And water.
- Menus and water.
Lisa, you cannot let Mom read this.
- I already sent her one.
- Are you nuts? That's not a term we like to use.
She's gonna be devastated.
"During Edna's adolescence, it was Stella that suffocated her ability to relate to others and tethered her" She was tethered.
"to a lifetime of insecurity and neurosis.
" You're 33 years old.
Give it up.
Oh, this is interesting.
"And once Edna's sister got married Edna's screwy life became a humongous burden on her very attractive brother-in-law.
" Which I made up.
I made it up.
When are you gonna stop blaming Mom for your life? - I don't blame Mom.
- Well, the book does.
- No, the book blames Stella.
- Well, who is Stella? You are.
- I'm Stella? - Yeah.
Meanwhile, your shrink has got some schnoz, huh? - Look at that.
- How do you mean, I'm Stella? I don't know.
I guess she couldn't use "Jamie" for legal reasons.
I don't believe this.
I spend half my life looking after you and this is what you think of me? I thought you'd be happy for me.
Happy about what, that you're publicly ridiculing me? Of course that's all you see.
You don't see that I'm getting recognition.
As a mental patient! It kills you that I'm better at something than you are! Honey, say something.
What would that be? Something! How would you feel if you were smeared all over this book? It's a stupid book written by a stupid shrink with a big schnoz.
- Look at the schnoz.
- He's in there.
He's Raul.
Where? Oh, look at this.
"Stella and Raul.
" Yeah, that makes sense.
You take "Paul," you add a little leg to the "P," You got "Raul.
" Clever.
I can't believe that this is how you describe me to your shrink.
Look at this.
"Stella and Raul lived as though the world revolved around them.
" Hey, I'm in here a lot.
I suffocated your ability to relate to others? You never liked my friends.
She says I have a way about me.
Do I have a way about me? Yes.
Menus.
You never had any friends which is why I let you hang around with mine.
What about Cindy Cline? She was my friend until you just took her over.
She got sick of you.
She thought you were a flake.
I had to jump in and do something before she ditched you.
Did it occur to you that I may not need your help? Yeah, right.
Ladies, how are we doing here? You know, I'm so overbearing.
Maybe you're right.
- You'd be better off without me.
- Grow up.
- I'll get some water.
- No, Lisa, you grow up.
Let somebody else do your laundry.
Have somebody else fix you up.
Eat dinner with somebody else every other night.
Fine.
I'll hop in a cab right now and I will go home.
- Fine.
- Fine! Oh, you are pathetic.
This isn't a favor.
You're the one who scared me out of subways.
- Because I care about you! - I don't need this! - Whoa, where's Edna going? - I'm never speaking to my sister again.
Yay.
Could we get a check, please? No, Mom, I'm not going to call her.
I know it's been three days.
Let Lisa be the sane one.
I don't think that's something that'll happen.
- Because she's an idiot.
- See, I say that, you get mad.
Mom, stop it.
We are not gonna fight like this after you're gone.
Say you're getting it out now so you can enjoy yourselves when she's dead.
I'm on the phone.
I know.
You know what? It's been 23 years.
I'm sick of hearing about her ant farm.
Ma, hold on one second, okay? Sorry.
Yeah, the thing about On page 47, about the diary.
That wasn't even me.
That was you.
No, I'm not saying you're a bad mother.
Oh, nobody reads the footnotes.
- Honey! - Paul's calling me.
I gotta go.
- Oh, look what happened in here! - I really, really have to go.
- No, I am not gonna call her.
- Oh, look, I broke the big thing.
Bye, Mom.
- God.
"The big thing"? - I couldn't think of anything.
- She called me "puerile.
" - Well, meanwhile not to be whatever, but I rather dig the fact that your sister's not been around.
Me too.
There's no one calling us at 3:00 a.
m.
To pick her up in Trenton.
Nobody's coming over, licking salt off our crackers and putting them back.
- She's selfish, isn't she? - Very selfish.
- And she's petty.
- She's petty and selfish.
- I'm gonna call her right now.
- And tell her what? All right.
You're right.
- Let her call me.
- Let her call you.
- Lisa? - Probably.
She would call and hang up.
She's the one who's puerile.
- "Childish.
" - That's what I thought.
Look, you got to remember when I first started singing scat, nobody dug it.
They didn't appreciate what I was doing.
So who gave you the name "King of Scat"? I did.
Can you do that? Are you allowed to just declare yourself king? Yes, you are.
What if there's another guy and he says he's the king? Then they joust.
Oh, I learned scat from my Uncle Cecil.
Now, he was His Uncle Cecil was a "prammatee" and a dweezil bone? Unless this guy is lying.
Back then, it was - You understand what he's saying? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
Back then, it was "We would sing away on the tips of our toes"? Look, if I tell you, how are you gonna learn? Back then, it was "Back then, we would send away for our elbows.
" "We would sing towards our nose"? What?! What is he saying? Only the club in Houston would pay them cash.
Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing here? It's not like I've never been here before.
It's very much like you've never been here.
- Whatever.
Hey, Warren.
- Hi, Edna.
You read it? - I read it out loud.
- Me too! I thought that was you.
Lis, see what you can make of this.
Back then, it was Oh, yeah, that's true.
All the clubs in Houston did pay cash.
- All right, all right.
- So, Pauly.
- What? - How's everything going at, you know.
- The apartment? - Wherever.
- It's okay.
- Yeah, and how's Murray and - The doorman? - Whoever.
She's good.
Call her.
- Why should I? - Because you should.
- Oh, you mean, because I'm wrong? - No, I didn't say that.
You know, I bet Sybil's sister was proud of her.
- Sybil who? - You know, Sybil Sybil.
You know, the one with Sally Field, but she had a book first too.
I don't think she had a sister.
She must have had a cousin, or someone who wouldn't yell at her in a restaurant or ridicule her, or pick on her and make her feel like a screwup just because she didn't have a job, a boyfriend, or a pen.
- A pen? - Yeah.
Remember the time she asked me for a pen? I didn't have one.
I saw her roll her eyes.
So she rolled her eyes.
That's what she does.
You don't have a pen.
That's what you do.
- Call her.
- I could get a pen if I wanted to.
I have always said that about you.
Yes.
What's that gonna prove? I don't know what to tell you, Lis.
You shouldn't be talking to me.
Talk to Jamie.
- Talk to Jamie, huh? - No.
She's only gonna agree with herself.
Why can't I talk to you for a while? Sure.
- Sure.
So, what's new? - I started my period 20 minutes ago.
Oh, good.
So, anyway, I say hello, and she just hangs up like I don't know it's Lisa.
- Two coffees.
- Wait.
Where? For here.
Two coffees for here, please.
Oh, right.
Okay.
- What's wrong? - I think I'm getting a cold.
- Now! - The heat's been off in my apartment.
- Have you called your landlord? - Of course, I called my landlord but you know how they can jerk you around.
Want me to call? And say what, that you're my friend and you're outraged that I have no heat? Yes.
Call the tenants' association.
You want me to call? - James, I am not Lisa.
- I know.
Now.
- I can take care of myself.
- I know.
Now.
- You don't have to fix my life.
- I know.
Fran, you're gonna blow it.
Let me just finish this.
Well, is he cute? So go introduce yourself.
- Who are you talking to? - Ira.
Who do you think I'm talking to? Lis, why would he not like you? - What are you doing? - She called, so I picked it up.
- What does she want? - Hang on a second.
She thinks Liam Neeson moved into her building.
Yeah, well, she thought she had Lyndon Johnson for algebra.
Jamie.
- What? What about me? - Nothing.
She wants to know who I'm talking to.
Who does she think you're talking to? My God! Wow.
Listen, I gotta go.
I'll call you tomorrow.
I won't forget.
All right.
Bye.
Why is she calling at 3:00 in the morning? She always calls at 3:00 in the morning.
- She and her friend went to this thing - I don't want to know.
All right.
What friend? - Harriet.
- Which Harriet? - I don't know.
- She knows two Harriets.
- The bulimic one.
- They're both bulimic.
Your sister knows two bulimics named Harriet? - Yes.
- What the hell are the odds of that? - Where did they go? - Some new club or something.
- Oh, God.
- Sounded pretty cool.
They had snakes and she thinks she saw Ethel Kennedy.
- Why are you encouraging her? - I'm not.
I'm just listening.
Do you know what it means when she spends time with Harriet? - Which one? - Either one.
- I'm new to this world of Harriets.
- Well, I'm not, and I'm telling you.
- What? You're telling me what? - Never mind.
Let her make her own mistakes, and you can pick up the pieces.
- What pieces? - You'll see.
There's always pieces with her.
- So why don't you do something? - Like what? Call her.
She doesn't need me.
She's got you and two Harriets.
The Harriets are going to Disneyland.
Well, then I guess that leaves you.
Right here we put in the Chet Baker footage.
- What did you have for lunch? - I think Harriet.
No, well, that's the thing about crab cakes.
Oh, we don't even have that.
Did you call the lab yet? - On what, my shoe? - Hey, Lis, Lis Harriet, wait one second.
We need the phone, Lisa.
We are trying to work here.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Okay, what are we doing here? Warren and I are trying to cut the sequence and you are See, that's where I'm stumped.
I don't know.
- You mean, you want me to leave? - No, I don't want you It's just - I don't want to hog your time up.
- That's okay.
- Do you like this scarf? - I like the scarf a lot.
Yes.
I think it's too busy.
Leave her alone.
You know what, we can't even do that.
I'm wrong.
We can't use the piece here because the other stuff we have Don't you ever talk about anything but movies? No, we don't.
So you know what? If we're boring you, I would suggest - Oh, great.
Now you're mad at me too.
- No, I'm not mad at you.
It's just that we're under a lot of pressure here, you know? I know you're having a very tough week.
I understand.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to Whatever you need, huh? - Thank you.
- All right.
Will you go to the dentist with me? - Hey.
- I just want you to know something.
- Yes? - You see this? Four yearbooks from high school, four yearbooks from college three yearbooks from camp.
There are over 200 signatures here and not one of them said I was overbearing.
Well, that settles that, doesn't it? I tried to call you and Warren said you were with Lisa.
I had to take her to the dentist, thank you very much.
- Why did she need you there? - Because you're not talking to her and she says the laughing gas makes her depressed.
Is she okay? You see? You do miss her.
- Why would I miss her? - Because she's your sister.
- So what? - So that's how it should be.
I talk to you, and you talk to me, but you should talk to Lisa.
Lisa should talk to you about her dentist and leave me out of it.
That's our world, and right now our world is out of whack.
Well, you're gonna have to get used to it.
I can get used to anything, but it hurts me to see you so unhappy.
You are so full of crap.
Nevertheless Oh, come on, Stella! - Don't call me Stella.
- I'm sorry.
I was kidding.
Listen, don't make me do this anymore.
- Take her back.
- You can't handle her for one week? - You're talking to her.
- I'm not calling.
You don't have to.
She's outside in the hall.
- What? - They gave her too much Novocain.
I couldn't send her home like that.
Come here.
- All right, you hear that? - Hear what? She's saying to you, "Jamie, I'm sorry.
" Right? Either that or the club in Houston pays her cash.
- Are you sorry? - Are you sorry? - What? - Are you sorry? - "Are you sorry?" - Are you sorry? I'm sorry, that's all I know.
I'm very sorry.
The stuff you said in that book really stinks.
- "My shrink wrote that, not me.
" - Well, where did she get it? "I don't know.
I just lie there and gamble.
" "Ramble.
" It's got to be "ramble.
" "Half the time, my shrink's not listening.
" Did you tell her that I was overbearing? - Yeah.
- No.
Yes, yes.
"I didn't say there's anything wrong with it.
" So you like that I'm overbearing? "Of course.
That way I can be underbearing.
" Is that really what you just said? Well, then, I am sorry.
- "Screw you"? - Me too.
- You too? - Yeah.
All right.
You know what? You're drooling on your beautiful shirt.
- She said, "It's your shirt.
" - I know what she said.
Your skirt.
Wrong? "Al Hirt.
" Something about Al Hirt.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Here you go.
Ursula, this is our bedroom.
Oh, right.
Okay.