Mad About You s02e25 Episode Script

- What? - Happy anniversary.
- The same to you.
- You want your present? - In other words, you want yours? - I really do.
All right.
Here you go.
Yeah, well, that seems fair.
You go first.
No.
- Yes? - Yes.
For God's sake! - Look what I got! - It's a Swiss Army Knife.
That's funny.
I was actually thinking of joining the Swiss army.
- You can take it back.
- What are you talking about? It has a can opener, a corkscrew and a nail file.
And scissors, and tweezers, and a fish scaler.
And a saw, a toothpick and a little thing to punch holes in your belt.
Why would I want to punch holes in my belt? The guy made it sound really important.
He also said it was great for camping.
Sure.
It's got a little thing here for trapping bear.
- You really like it? - How could I not like this? If you don't, it has a little thing that comes out and stabs you.
This is very cool.
Thank you.
- Okay.
My turn.
- Your turn.
- I got it.
- All right.
It took her 45 minutes to wrap this in the store.
- Wow! - You like it? I do.
- It's a cotton candy machine.
- I see! - Get it? - No.
Second anniversary.
Cotton anniversary.
That's good.
That's really good.
The guy said it'll pay for itself in six months.
Now we don't have to go to the circus all the time.
- No, really.
I love it.
I love it.
- Yeah? Want to try it out? - For breakfast? - What the hell, it's our anniversary.
Remember, we're having three lunches today.
Why does everybody want to take us out? Don't they realize we're only fun when we're alone? - Swear to God.
You like this? - I do.
I love it.
- Really? - Really.
- Me too.
Mine.
I love it.
- Good.
- Look who's here! Happy anniversary.
- Thank you.
- You can't keep a secret in this town.
- These are for you.
- You don't have to do that.
- It always was a big day for us.
- I know.
- It's fine.
It's okay.
All I want is for Fran to be happy.
If it's without me, fine.
If it's with Ira, so be it.
If Buddha's testing my patience, zei gezunt.
- What can I get you guys? - Just some sugar.
We have sugar, we have onions, we have Aspergum and Yodels.
- You have Yodels now? - Where's the sugar? Sugar on the shelf, onions by the door.
Who's looking for onions? Tell me how we did this.
How did we get three lunches in one day? It would have been four but I consolidated our sisters.
- Hello.
How are you today? - Good.
How are you? Any day now.
Oh! A little kick.
Just right now? Here.
Come here.
It's like a whole little person in there.
You know, if you were not pregnant, this would be so inappropriate of me.
- You didn't find the onions.
- What is it with him and the onions? - Do you have children? - No, not yet.
When? - I think maybe soon.
- Not for some time.
Kim said you wanted onions? I never heard you use those words before.
"Maybe soon"? - It's not like we've never discussed it.
- We never discussed "maybe soon.
" - Is this level? - Like the horizon.
- We always said after a couple of years.
- Yeah, a couple of years.
Well, we have now been married a couple of years.
Do you believe I bought the onions? A couple doesn't mean two.
It means two, three, 10, whatever.
- Not 10.
- I'm not saying 10.
Whatever.
- Sometime between two and 10? - Yes.
When? - Closer to 10.
- No.
Wrong.
Then pick a number.
You think we're ready now? No, not now, but sometime soon.
- Maybe.
- Maybe soon.
When you say that, it sounds so soon.
This isn't working.
We used to be together on this.
Suddenly you changed the rules on me.
This isn't something I decided, it's just something I'm starting to feel.
Well, cut it out.
Feel something else.
Don't you think we should wait until we both feel the same way? This thing takes confectionary sugar? - What is this? - Regular sugar.
- What's the difference? - I don't know.
That's why we couldn't have kids.
What if they ask us a question like that? - What are we gonna say? - That's why we can't have kids? I want to know more.
I don't know any When I was a kid, my father knew everything.
- Like what? - He knew how to build a bench.
He knew why the clouds move so quick.
- Why do they? - Something about the way they're made.
- So you can learn that.
- Well, I haven't.
- But you will.
- I'm just saying, don't rush me.
- It doesn't have to be tomorrow.
- Hey, forget tomorrow.
I'm saying, I want to start talking about this.
- We will.
- When? Maybe soon.
It's a simple contract.
Just use the standard form, you'll be fine.
I used to have the exact same one, but in red.
- I wasn't this good, but - Honey.
We could use some bread here.
Hello? Ursula, some bread? Oh, no, thanks.
- Not interested.
- Honey, that's not a toy.
I'm just having lunch with my brother and his wife.
- And me.
- And Noah.
- And me.
- And Lisa.
Yeah, that's the one.
Okay, okay.
Bye.
I'm so sorry, it's just so crazy.
Two years married to my brother.
How does it feel? - I think the most wonderful thing - Oh, God, excuse me.
- She's very busy.
- Hi, honey.
Uncle Paul, how do they make crayons? How do they make crayons? You know how they get wax from bees? So it's the same kind of wax and they take that wax and they color it with crayons they already have.
Hey, Noah.
Can you do this? You know what that is? Condensation.
- You're making this up from nothing.
- He's not our kid.
Honey, how can I? I have Noah.
I want to sit next to Aunt Jamie.
Did you schedule the parent-teacher conference? No, that's next Wednesday.
- Noah, want to play a game? - Yeah.
Okay, let's see how long we can make our spoons be quiet.
- I lose.
- Okay.
Honey, we can't do it Saturday, that's Ricky's birthday party.
- I'm bored.
- Mingle.
No, that's no good, he's got Little League.
- Billy Goodman called me a spaz.
- Are you a spaz? - No.
- So, what are you worried about? You know, I don't think that's really helping right now.
Honey, just call the school and coordinate, please.
Thank you.
- I want to sit next to Uncle Paul.
- And who wouldn't, huh? And Aunt Jamie.
- Why don't you slide over.
- Sure.
No, I like to sit next to Jamie.
You may sit next to Uncle Paul and Aunt Jamie but you have to eat your hamburger.
- I'm not hungry.
- You're gonna be hungry later.
- So get me a hamburger later.
You are never going to Disney World.
- How did you ever learn how to do this? - My first kid.
When are you guys gonna start trying? - Not for a while.
- Maybe soon.
See the way he laughed when I put the bread in my mouth like a walrus? I was very proud.
That kid loves me.
When the milk comes out of their nose like that That means they love you.
No question about that.
I had a good time with Noah.
- A Salisbury steak didn't land in your lap.
- That was your sister who threw that! What are you staring at? You've never seen a couch? Call your mother and tell her we're gonna be late.
I don't want to call my mother.
She'll know from my voice I already ate.
Who said you don't need arms, huh? Know what I think? Having a kid is not going to be all that tough.
Seriously.
It's like Murray, but with overalls.
- Oh, my God! - I don't think it's really that hard.
Did you see what your sister was going through? She didn't get to eat.
She has FAO Schwarz in her purse.
Her hair is thinning.
- Her hair is not thinning.
- It was thinning while we sat there.
- You're the one who wants to have a kid.
- I said, I think I want to have a kid.
- I didn't say that I know I wanted one.
- I'm just saying, keep thinking.
All right, all right.
Enough already.
Here, take the diaper bag.
- I got it.
- That's the activity bag.
Then somebody took a poop in the activity bag.
Walker, stroller, blankie, highchair, car seat, porta-playpen - Porta-playpen, isn't that in Spain? - No.
- You got the green horsy? - I got it.
- Ready to go to Grandma's? - All ready.
- Where's the baby? - I'm not bringing the baby.
We've got too much stuff.
This is not exactly our only lunch today.
- What? You're not hungry? - It's just delicious.
- Maybe you'd like mooshed potatoes? - What's that? When he was little, that's what he called them.
"Ma, are we going to have mooshed potatoes? I love mooshed potatoes.
- Ma, can we have mooshed potatoes?" - Ma, I think she gets it.
- Pauly, look! The potato moosher.
- It's adorable.
Yeah, moosh, moosh, moosh, moosh.
Why don't you quit the floorshow and sit down and eat something.
I will, I will.
I've never seen her sit at a meal.
Why do we have a chair for you? - Can I get you something else? - I'm stuffed.
How often do you get a good home-cooked meal? - Ma, no kidding around, sit down.
- All right.
Try it.
Huh? What do you think? - What? - Two years.
- That's right.
- Who would've thought it? - We thought it.
- I was 19 when I married his father.
How long before Paul was born? - Sharon was 2.
- Was he planned? - In what sense, honey? - Did you decide to have kids, or? Let's not go there.
- What? I'm interested.
- Really? Well, actually, it was during your father's vacation.
- Back when he used to take vacations.
- Where did you go? Who could afford to go anywhere? We were just getting started.
We had just gotten this apartment.
We were each other's vacation.
We'd go to Coney Island.
We'd go to the movies.
We were kids.
We didn't know you had to go somewhere to have fun.
Get to the part with me.
We'd gone to see Gigi at the Loews and we were sitting here sharing a frappe.
I made my own hot fudge.
Your father was doing his Maurice Chevalier, like in the movie.
- You know how I love Frenchmen.
- I actually don't, but go ahead.
He was dancing around.
I was laughing, and that's when it happened.
Right here in the kitchen.
- No! - Yeah, I'm saying.
On the table.
I forgot to put out the coleslaw.
- What do you mean? On this table? - Yeah.
- This table I've eaten at for 18 years? - What? I didn't wipe it off? I wasn't allowed to put my elbows on this table! It's rude! I've never seen so much food in my life.
This is how I grew up.
No meals, just food until you lie down and cry.
Murray, why do you put it in a place that you're unable to retrieve it from? - What's wrong? - My first two lunches just collided.
- Where are you going? - To put on my fat pants.
You know what? I'm going to actually use this belt-hole puncher.
- I can't believe your mother.
- On the table they did it.
Believe that? On the table.
Now, for the rest of my life, I will not be able to not know that.
- Your mother is a striking woman.
- Where are you going with that? She's beautiful.
You have her eyes.
Maybe our kid will have my eyes and your smile.
- And my forehead.
- What's the matter with my forehead? - Nothing.
- Why shouldn't our kid have mine? Fine, he'll have your forehead.
Your forehead, and your eyes, and your smile.
My ears, maybe.
- Your ears are kind of droopy.
- Is that true? Are they really? It doesn't matter, because either way, we're going to love it.
Love it, love it, love it, love it Moosh, moosh, moosh.
- Honey? - What a beautiful baby.
Yeah, but, honey? He's a monkey.
He's a beautiful monkey! I don't want to belabor the point and far be it for me to speak ill of any child.
- But he's a monkey.
- But he's our monkey.
See, you're emphasizing the "our" part.
I would like to highlight, if I might, the monkey portion.
- Our monkey.
- He's cute and he's smart.
He can do a triple axel off the jungle gym.
That's all good.
May God strike me dead for saying this, but - Every baby is beautiful.
- That's true.
Yes, they are.
But this one's a monkey! - I can't believe it's two years.
- Leave us alone with the two years.
- When are you going to have kids? - When are you going to get married? All right.
Truce.
- How are you doing, Ursula? - Hi, Bill.
Hi, Dave.
Okay, once again.
It's Ira.
Paul.
You guys crack me up! A couple of Rolling Rocks, a club soda and a Zima.
I'm curious.
Things are so good between us, why not? Then again, why mess with it? - Have a kid.
- What do you mean? - You've got to do it.
- Why? Like Europe, it's a big pain in the ass, but you've got to do it.
Sweet Richie is 4 years old.
Norman says it costs him 40 grand a year.
Maybe the kid's embezzling from him.
I'm serious, the kid goes through over, like, 3 G's a month.
He's got a nanny, a shrink, he wears corrective shoes he goes to private school, he's got some kind of allergy medication he goes to summer camp.
And dig this: He drives a Schwinn.
That's not cheap.
Forty grand a year for one kid.
You can get them cheaper.
You gotta know where to go.
Ursula, what's happening with these drinks? - You guys were serious? - What did you think? I thought you were pulling one of your Bill-and-Dave things.
Okay.
Hey, Kim, what have you got for nausea? Depends.
You want to get nausea or not get nausea? - Not.
- I got Pepto, Bromo, Alka-Seltzer.
- Let's take all three.
One for each lunch.
- There you go.
Can you break a 50? I can get smaller.
- What is it? - It's my back.
- Should I call the doctor? - Where's Mark? He was a doctor.
Sit down.
Get something we can use as a pillow.
As a pillow? I got flour sacks, I got marshmallows, I got paper towels.
- Hey, you guys! - Mark! Thank God! What's going on? Where does it hurt? - My back.
- You're probably in labor.
- In her back? - Yeah.
Very often, labor pains are experienced as severe back spasms, especially if the baby's in a posterior position.
- A regular delivery boy wouldn't know.
- Should we get her to a hospital? - No.
You got hours.
Kim, you know what you do? Take her for a walk, relax.
Go to a movie.
Play with her nipples.
- What the hell is the matter with you? - No, no.
It stimulates labor.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
Was that true about the nipples? - How do you know that? - A friend of mine her doctor told her husband to bring her to orgasm.
- Oh, jeez.
- What? Like the guy doesn't have enough things on his mind? Hey, Jamie.
Is this a tomato or what? - It's a beauty.
- Yeah, tomato.
What a great idea.
Congratulations! I have a market, I have a wife, I have a daughter.
- A baby girl! - Hello! - This is Rose.
- She's beautiful.
- Your husband was just here.
- He was? He came by to see the baby, but she was sleeping.
- Here.
- Really? - How many years did you go to college? - Four.
- And med school? - Four.
- How long were you an intern? - One year.
- And then a resident? - Two.
Good.
Give me a pound of grapes.
- I'm gonna go see the baby.
- Jamie's inside.
Look what I got.
- This must be Rose.
- Isn't she sweet? You're a very, very tiny person there.
Smell that.
I love that baby smell.
- So you were here before? - Yeah.
I stopped to smell the rose.
- You look very good with one of these.
- I do? Hi, Rose.
I think she wants you.
You handle most of the complaint calls, don't you? Bye, Rose.
Come on.
- You think we should buy something? - For what? Just for sport? I think it's rude to just come, hold their baby, and not buy anything.
You're a very nice person is who you are.
- Honey? - Coming.
Triple Chocolate Chunky Chip.
That's just a flavor for the sake of being one.
I want to be pregnant.
Listen, you let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
I will.
- Any idea when I'll be getting this call? - I'm not exactly sure.
- Tell me again why I'd be doing this? - Because you're in love with me.
That's what it is.
Of course.
Sure.