Mad About You s03e01 Episode Script

You finished? Yeah.
* Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! * I'm mad about you When are they gonna stop with these take-out menus? Like I need souvlaki in this heat? Maybe Mr.
Science can make it rain.
I once saw him make licorice just using witch hazel and a Q-Tip.
Oh, see, all that fur, that's a big mistake.
Wanna see something? Murray, you will enjoy this 'cause you're simple.
Look.
* It's Mr.
Science * Starring Mr.
Science Written by There's a man who Produced by Forget about him.
Here we go.
Directed by Paul Buchman.
That's me.
The bedroom is an oven.
MAN ON TV: Welcome, boys and girls.
For today's experiment, we will need a pound of bacon, a piece of cardboard and an empty tuna can.
Now, first you take the bacon You believe this? A lantern he makes from bacon fat.
You know how I shot this, by the way? I aimed the camera, I walked away, I made a sandwich.
It's just for now.
You're a brilliant director.
I understand.
So why did I spend my whole summer directing Mr.
Science? Hey, Michelangelo used to paint postcards between gigs for tourists.
That's just a big fat lie.
You're trying to make me feel better.
It's the best I got in this heat.
Come here.
Oh, honey, let's go out and eat.
You don't wanna go out.
That's where they keep the heat.
You don't wanna go outside.
(FAN WHIRRING) (FAN SPLUTTERING) All right, we'll go out.
But first, do this.
What did you do? Put these on.
What, are you nuts? What kind of Put them on! Ah! See that? Mr.
Science? Mr.
Science.
I love that man.
Okay, one iced tea and one nice cool bowl of water.
Anything else? Uh, just some kibble for myself and you know what? Maybe one of those ice An iced tea also.
Boy, you really are thirsty.
Yeah.
Ursula, aren't you hot? Yeah.
You know, I think it's the weather.
Okay.
I said I was willing to go somewhere else.
I know but I like it.
At least they know us here.
If we went somewhere else once in a while, they'd probably know us there too.
Fran said there's a great new seafood place opened up just around the corner.
Yeah, well, it's not gonna be good as Stefano's.
What's Stefano's? Stefano's.
It's not Stefano's.
What is it? Roberto's.
The clam place, Jersey shore? Yes.
Yes.
Stefano's.
Iced tea, what is it Just pouring and bringing, that's all that's required.
It was a nice summer, wasn't it? Hey, that was hotter than this.
We did things, though.
We did hot things.
Yeah, but we just woke up, borrowed a car and drove? Do you remember that? We didn't know where we were going.
And then, all of a sudden, the sun was setting.
You could smell the ocean.
Then we saw that big neon sign.
(PAUL SIGHING) Vito's? Vito's.
That was it.
It was Vito's.
It was not "Vito's.
" Well, it wasn't "Stefano's.
" It was "Boyd's.
" Like you would eat clams from a place called Boyd's.
I would.
You know, in our youth.
We did crazy things in our youth.
Let's do that! What, just pick up and go to Jersey? Yes, why not? It's the last weekend of the summer.
We've been promising ourselves we'd get away.
All right, so we'll get away next year.
Well, maybe next year, we won't be able to.
Why wouldn't we? Because, what if I'm by pregnant then? What if.
What if What if you're not? Then we would have gone away now, had a nice time for nothing.
No.
I'm sorry.
Won't do it.
I'm telling you, this is our last chance to have fun together.
I'm going to go back to school any minute, you're going to be starting another project.
Hey, I--I have no next project.
Thank you.
You will.
I'm telling you.
This is our last chance.
Let's go.
Let's do it.
Really? Great.
Yeah.
Great clams.
The best.
Plus we'll be out of this city Near the ocean.
We got cool, you got clams.
That's 2-for-2.
Eduardo's! Not even close.
All right.
Alarm override, emergency child lock, emergency lock Maybe I should just get you the manual.
You know what, Frannie, it's a car.
I've been in a car before.
Relax.
I am.
I just, you know, want you to have a good time.
You are my best friends in the whole world, right? Are you okay? Yeah.
Why? I don't know, you just seem sort of All righty here, a little adjustments, and away we go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
oh.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Now I can't reach it.
(HORN BLARES) We're having fun now.
Have a good time.
Thanks.
Thanks for the car.
Yeah.
Okie-doke.
Bye.
And away we go.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Are you sure you don't want to come with us? No.
That--That-- That's okay.
You guys go.
Well, why? You said Ryan's with Mark for the weekend.
I have stuff to do.
What kind of stuff? You know, stuff.
Working stuff and work stuff? What do you mean, work stuff? You going back to work? I thought I mentioned that.
Oh, well, okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
And away we go.
No, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
W-Where are you going to work? At the office where I used to work.
You mean, my old job? My old job.
Your old job was my old job.
Hey, clams and cool.
Away we go.
No, no, no, no, just wait.
Well, technically, sure.
But when I left, it was your new job.
Although now I guess that would make it your old new job and my old old job and I was really just toying with the idea.
When are you going to go back? Last Monday.
Why didn't you tell me? I thought you'd be upset since you got fired.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn't get fired.
I quit.
That's what I said.
No, you said I got fired.
You didn't let me finish.
Up.
What? Up.
Since you got fired up and quit.
Boy, were you fired up and you just quit.
I did.
I know.
Then why would I be upset? I'm not.
You wouldn't.
Uh, good.
Fine.
Are we going or not? That snake.
I can't believe she'd just go out and stab me in the back.
Why doesn't she just drag me in a ditch, shoot me, and steal my shoes? Meanwhile, where are the blinkers on this thing? (ALARM BLARING) (HORN BLARING) (BRAKES SQUEAL) MAN: Up yours! I can't believe she would just do this Forget about it.
Forget about it.
It's you and me and the best fried clams in the world.
Yeah, if Fran didn't get there first and eat them all.
Pepe's.
No, it wasn't Pepe's.
Well, you hated when I said Boyd's.
Lupe's? Lupe's.
Lupe's.
Lupe's.
Lupe's.
Lupe's.
Lupe--no.
(CELL PHONE RINGS) If that's Fran, tell her I'm not here.
And where would you be? Dead in the trunk for all she cares.
She's probably calling to apologize.
I don't care.
Don't answer it.
All right.
I'm serious.
Let it ring.
I wi Yeah.
Make it sound like we're having fun.
Hello? (LAUGHING) Honey, that was a good one.
Okay Halifax.
Your turn.
You--You know You know what you got to study? Not answering the phone.
Yeah, Ma.
I figured so long as you had the car, you might as well move my couch.
But, how do you What, you have like radar on us? Because on Monday, they're delivering the new couch and I wanted to give the old one to Lisa.
My Lisa? We love Lisa.
I know you do.
She's so sweet.
She sure is.
Meanwhile, where is Ira? What? He's so cranky.
It's the heat.
Ever since the change, the heat doesn't bother me.
What change? Before we, uh, had air conditioning, your father and I used to drag our mattress onto the fire escape.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
Hmm.
I have beautiful sliced chicken.
I have cold Chinese from Sings.
Ma, I told you, we-- we're going for clams.
I have clams.
Do you remember I told you about the place near Asbury Park? Freddy's.
No.
No.
Come and have some fruit salad.
You won't get dehydrated.
Don't want the fruit salad.
D-D-Do you want fruit salad? Fine.
Yes.
Your father had the worst diarrhea.
IRA: Yo, Aunt Syl! Shh! Don't say anything.
About what? Just Hey, how's it going? Aunt Syl.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Ira.
Hey, James.
So you want to-- you want to-- you want to come move the couch? Yeah, sure.
Let's do it.
Come on.
When did that happen? He got a thing in the mail.
PAUL: Watch it.
IRA: Watch it back.
So--those two.
Yeah.
So when do you start school? Oh, uh, 10 days.
Probably going to study corporate finance.
You know what name I like? Barbara.
If it's a girl.
If what's a girl? PAUL: Leave her alone, Ma! I'm not We're talking.
As long as you're talking.
IRA: Okay, here we go.
Hey, this is heavy.
Paulie, you know who I ran into? PAUL: Adlai Stevenson? You remember Phyllis Gold and little Ricky Gold? Sure.
Little Ricky Gold.
Ricky Gold was the little nitwit that you made me hire as my assistant.
He just directed a big movie, Perpetron.
Oh, God.
Paulie, what are you doing? (THUD) IRA: Ow! Ricky Gold directed Perpetron? Isn't that nice? He used to get my lunch.
IRA: Would you go? Ha.
What? What? (THUD) IRA: Ow! Ricky Gold You're telling me Ricky Gold directed Perpetron? Yeah.
Phyllis says all the big shots loved it.
What big shots? I don't remember their names.
(STUTTERING) Ricky Go He didn't even know what egg salad was.
I had to explain egg salad to this kid.
It'll bomb.
You sure? I promise.
Well, it better.
Maybe you should call him.
I sent him a tape of your Mr.
Science.
(CRASH) IRA: Ow! Keep it coming.
Just hurry up, all right? We're double-parked.
Just angle it a little.
Do you think you could help? I am holding the door.
You swear Murray's okay downstairs? He's fine.
He's got the air conditioning and your mother's pot roast.
I can't believe Ricky Gold Let it go.
(THUD) IRA: Hey! You okay? It's going to say Otis on my ass for the next three years.
All right, you know what? Let's just turn this thing around.
You look different.
No, he doesn't.
Could it be hotter in here? Honey, just think cold beer and clams.
Right.
Now, I want the place to look nice.
Dennis is coming over tonight.
Who's Dennis? My mailman.
Is that a new shirt? Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
A new shirt.
You're dating your mailman? Why not? He comes to see me every day.
He's always bringing me things.
Mail.
He brings you mail.
Don't judge him.
I know! You shaved your beard.
I never had a beard.
Well, I give up.
It's a toupee.
No.
Yeah.
You're right.
Nice somebody noticed.
I like it.
Me, too.
Yeah, I know.
I was going to say it before, but I I didn't notice.
I got a thing in the mail.
Guess what, kiddies? This ain't going in there.
Well, what are we going to do? She lives on the fifth floor.
The stairs? Oh, I guess I'll just have to get that door, too.
Now there's something you don't see everyday.
What? What? They're towing Murray.
I'm sorry.
What do you want me to say? I'm sorry.
JAMIE: Aw, look at him.
I know.
I feel terrible.
Here we go.
We're going to let you out, Murray.
The nice man's going to let you Here we are.
Here we are, buddy.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi, buddy.
Hello.
Good boy.
(GROWLING) Hey, it's okay.
(GROWLS) Honey, honey, honey, Maybe you better not.
Well, this is really nice.
How did I get to be the villain in this piece? Murray, let me--let me explain something to you.
I'm talking to you.
I'm talk Hey, Murray, come on.
We made a mistake, you know? We made a mistake.
To err is human, which is what we are.
Hey, who's your best pal in the world? Hi.
Aw.
All right.
Hey, look, you don't want to talk to me, then I'm not going to talk to you.
Sweetie, why don't you bribe him, give him a treat or something? 'Cause I don't want to.
What's that, honey? You want to buy Murray a big, huge, juicy hamburger? What a good idea.
Hey, I don't want to be a part of this emotional blackmail.
Why not? Because it's not Hey, this how you going to be if we have kids? They pout a little Yes.
I don't know.
It's possible.
They get towed, I might buy them a burger.
It's 4:00.
I'd like to eat some clams.
Clams go home, you know, at a certain time.
All right, we're going.
All right, come on, Murray, get in the car.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
All right, Murray, let's go! (BARKS) Do you want to run in or should I? Hey, you want to get him a burger, get him a burger.
Leave me out of it.
Are you hungry? I'm saving my mouth for clams.
Try to relax.
Murray, you stay with Daddy.
(GROWLS) Ursula? Hi.
We called and ordered a burger.
Right.
Um, on the phone? Yeah.
Right.
I'm relaxing.
I'm a relaxed boy.
Here we go.
Hmm.
A little more air.
Whoo.
(CLEARS THROAT) Music.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, oh, oh, oh.
(ALARM BLARING) (BEEPING) What did I do now? Uh-oh.
Hey, James.
Hey, James.
JAMIE: Honey, don't worry.
The locksmith will be here any minute.
He must be suffocating.
You don't have a hanger or something? We have a coat rack.
Hi, hi.
Thank God.
My husband's locked in the car.
Please, please hurry.
There's probably no air in there, what, with the heat and You take Visa, right? Or MasterCard.
Honey, hi.
Oh, you poor thing.
What happened? I hit that thing I hit that button, and the electric, the radio I don't know, I hit the wrong thing.
And he thing I thought wasn't, it was something Is he laughing? No, no, no, no.
Good.
'Cause it's not funny.
I know.
You know, I could have-- I could have been killed in there.
What are they thinking? Don't they think of these things? I mean, a person, you know, he's sitting in there They should have like an emergency Some kind of a switch.
I mean, a person could be in there (CAR DOOR CLICKS) They put some kind of switch that Hey, you shut up.
What does that say? What? That sign back there.
What sign? Right back there.
I don't know.
It's back there.
Why don't we just ask for directions? To where? To whatever that place is called.
They like to hear a name.
You ask directions, they like to hear a name to the place that you're asking about.
Maybe we should have a baby right now.
Those are our options? I pull into a Chevron, or we have a baby? Look at it logically.
I get pregnant now.
September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May.
Boom.
The kid's out before it gets hot again.
Pull over.
What? You have to admit, it makes sense.
You don't want me pregnant through all that humidity.
It doesn't make any sense.
Why not? It makes no sense.
First of all First of all, you're still on the pill.
Okay, second of all, and maybe this is just me.
I don't think you bring a child into the world just to beat the heat.
All right.
All right.
See that Although See now.
I-- I could do a film I could do a great film about weather.
I'd go see it.
All kinds of weather.
Huh? That would be good.
No.
It would.
Yeah.
A really good documentary about the weather.
You could clean up.
See now Nobody's funding documentaries anymore.
We could fund it.
Yeah.
With what? We could sell Fran's car.
* Oh, I'm so hungry I could pass out right now * Clam house? Clam bake.
Clams.
Clam shack.
Clams.
Clams.
Clementine.
Clementi's.
Clamenza.
Clamenza! Was that it? Clamenza.
I don't know, but either way, that's a good name for a place.
Don't you think? I like that.
Five more minutes and I'm eating your mother's pot roast.
That's a good one.
Clamenza.
(DRAMATICALLY) Clamenza.
(FLIPPANTLY) Clamenza.
Clamenza, hello.
Clamenza'sclams.
Clamenza's clams.
Clamenza clams.
Hi.
Clamenza.
(IMITATES DON CORLEONE) Clamenza, how about some clams? Clamenza, try the clams.
We've got clams.
Where'd you get the clams? Clamenza brought clams.
I'm done with the Clamenza thing.
(SNIFFING) All right, one more.
Clamenza! It just feels like everybody's getting somewhere, you know? They're all getting jobs and movies and couches and the hair.
We're driving around in circles.
Clamenza's! Stop it.
No, look.
What does that say? Clamenza's! Clamenza's! Clamenza's clam house.
Clams, clam broth, clam bake, clam pie.
Closed.
What? Closed.
Closed.
Boarded up.
Boards on the window.
"Moved to a new location"? I don't believe it.
Unbelievable.
This is how we spend the last weekend of the summer? (SIGHS) Although, we got out of the city.
That's something.
It was so easy then.
When? That other summer, the first time we did this.
Yeah, of course it was easy 'cause we weren't looking for anything then.
Do you think we're looking too hard? No.
For-- For what? I don't know.
Everything, all of it.
Clams, babies.
Ooh, remember the baby clams? Let's go home.
It's night.
How did it get hotter in here? Want to go get something to eat? No.
Let's just go inside and watch ourselves dissolve.
You don't want to eat first? Would they stop with these menus? Nobody wants them.
"Clamenza.
" First of all, stop saying it.
Second, of all, you're not even saying it right.
It's Clamenza.
Honey, honey, honey.
Clamenza.
Clamenza.
Formerly of Asbury Park.
Look, it's right around the corner.
What Wow.
Is this the place Fran was talking to you about? It must be.
Are they still open? Yes, they're still open.
Do they deliver? "Free delivery.
" Clamenza's! Clamenza's! (SIREN WAILING) As good as you remember? Best clam I ever had.
Give me.
You have.
Mmm.
Well, actually, I went with the calamari.
Not so good.