Mad About You s04e13 Episode Script
Hot and Cold
Wait.
Did your father ever say anything about that tie? Uh, no.
That tie i got him for his birthday? Oh, yeah.
He loved it.
What did he say? He said, "i love it.
" That's all? What should he say? It was a very expensive tie.
He said that.
He said that to you? He did not.
Why can't this whole gift thing end with the giving? It just can't.
* tell me why * * i love you like i do * * tell me who * * can stop my heart as much as you * * tell me all your secrets * * and i'll tell you most of mine * * they say nobody's perfect * * well, that's really true this time * * i don't have the answers, i don't have a plan * * all i have is you * * so, darlin', help me understand * * what we do * * you can whisper in my ear * * where we go * * who knows what happens after here? * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into the final frontier * * i'm mad about you, baby * * yeah * * i'm mad about you * * whoo-Hoo ** Cinnamon? [Paul.]
yeah! Raisins? Light or dark? Light, but they're exactly No! No! No! Man, this bathroom is freezing.
Oh, honey? Hot oatmeal on its way.
You know that guy on the fourth floor With the accent? Yeah.
You were right.
He's dutch.
See? But i was also a little right 'Cause i asked his wife.
There is something wrong with his tongue.
It's so cold in here there are actually flies Ice-Skating in the sink.
I can't believe how cold this bathroom is.
No, no, no.
Don't get up.
Do you want to eat On this side of the apartment with our coats on Or in the living room naked, where it's 500 degrees? Living room, naked.
Warm, warm, warm.
This is not hot.
It was when i came in here.
There's nothing worse than cold hot oatmeal.
New old cheese.
All right, you win.
Seriously, don't get up.
Would you look at your dog? That's the only comfortable place in the whole apartment.
It's like alaska in there.
It's tahiti in here.
He's lying right on the equator.
How come the super gets to go to florida, And we're here suffering? We got to stop tipping this guy for christmas.
He doesn't do anything, and he doesn't pay rent.
And for this, we're overtipping him.
We give him 40 bucks.
to the doorman.
You tipped the super $30? He doesn't do anything.
He goes to florida.
I don't blame him.
That money goes straight to airfare.
It's like a sauna in here.
It's good, though.
When we eat, as we eat, we're burning calories.
Why am i eating hot cereal in this weather? I don't know.
So, uh Last night was nice, huh? Uh-Huh.
Uh-Huh, what It was nice, or i'm just deluding myself? [Doorbell rings.]
You can't always be great.
True.
Then we'd have nothing to reach for.
Sometimes it's better not to discuss it.
I know.
On the other hand, not discussing it I know.
Hey, what is that? It's from the doorman.
Must be from that big, fat You ready? Yeah.
Let's do it.
Man! It's like a sauna in here.
You could eat food and burn calories at the same time.
I just said that! Really? I swear.
This is so sweet! "To my favorite couple.
Love, ira.
" Oh, i don't like this.
It's beautiful! Not the bowl, the whole thing of this.
What whole thing? He's taking me to lunch today.
So? Lunch, buying a bowl.
He's buying fran earrings.
When? When? About a month ago.
Took her out to lutece, bought her pearl earrings.
Then he probably took her back to the bedroom! Mark, mark, mark No.
I'm fine.
I'm fine! Look, i love ira.
He nails my wife, gives her earrings.
What's not to love Can we open a window in here or something? They're stuck from the heat.
Oh! It's so humid! I haven't felt humidity like this Since i delivered triplets in an adobe hut near albuquerque.
Did you say that earlier? I did not.
I didn't think you did.
O.
K.
, guys, have fun.
He'll get hooked, then he'll get you hooked.
Don't hold your breath.
What's your thing today? I'm waiting here.
For what? Lisa has a wrench.
What's that mean, lisa has a wrench? I have no idea.
The thing about golf is, It's a beautiful game played in a beautiful setting.
Paul, you'll love it Will you relax, please? Just relax.
Relax your hands.
Look at you.
How tense! Relax your shoulders, your legs Doesn't this feel good? Isn't this nice? Huh? So it's like a massage, but i'm holding a stick.
Give me the club.
O.
K.
, it's very simple.
You keep your feet in cement.
And you just swivel and hit it very Oh, look.
I sliced into the trees.
What trees? There's a dry cleaner next door.
You know, this game is perfect for you and jamie.
You play on weekends.
You play on vacations.
Then you join a club, Play in tournaments, and become so competitive.
And the pressure is unbelievable.
So it starts off as a fun thing And ends up an aggravation.
Like you couldn't believe.
I believe it.
It happened to my sex life.
Why not golf? Loosen the grip, like you're holding a sparrow.
Loose hands! Very loose Oh.
Well, that's good.
So that's good, you're saying? Well, the club went straight.
What's going on? What? You and jamie.
Nothing, nothing.
No! Come on.
Talk to me.
I'm a professional.
The pregnant thing, it's a lot of pressure.
You don't get pregnant overnight.
How long did it take you and fran? Me? Oh, well, fran gave me the sign, I stepped up to the plate Boom! Out of the park.
Well, that's good to hear.
It'll get better.
And if it doesn't? Then you end up like fran and me.
You know, you don't laugh at other people's jokes.
Hey, what's the matter, you couldn't get a table? Here, paulie.
Taste this.
Tell me this is not the best egg roll you ever had.
You got duck sauce? Forget the duck sauce.
Wow.
Go ahead.
Say it.
That's good.
No, paulie.
Say it.
Best egg roll i've ever had.
How come i never heard of this place? It's an underground casino.
Where? Upstairs.
Upstairs? There's an underground casino upstairs? That's right.
You don't get sneakier than that.
This is unbelievable.
It's tasty but expensive.
How much? Free, if you're willing to wager 200 bucks.
You're gambling again, huh? I'm not gambling.
I'm winning.
I knew it.
You're sending people plates.
You're buying pearls.
Remember flushing park? We used to play stickball? Yeah.
I was unbeatable at flushing park.
So? I'm unbeatable here.
Same thing.
Come on.
I'll show you.
You and gambling, you don't mix.
You always lose.
Not here.
This place is different.
Because they make an exceptional egg roll.
They're not chintzy with the shrimp.
Yeah.
Give my regards to broadway.
Remember me to herald square.
You're in.
Tell all the gang at 42nd street That i will * soon be there ** Who's this guy? Bobby, he's o.
K.
If i were a rich man.
Ya-Da dee-Dee dee-Dee da-Da da-Da dee-Da da-Da dum.
Johnny.
How's it going, man? Looking very sharp.
How you doing? Johnny.
Hi, john.
Johnny.
In other words, johnny.
Johnny.
That's elegant.
Johnny's strong.
Well, yeah.
Aren't you going to meetings for this? Would you relax? I'm on a roll.
I can't lose.
Dealer has blackjack.
I'm not even going to respond to that.
[Knock on door.]
[Lisa.]
it's me.
[Jamie.]
one second! Ta-Da! Excellent.
Where did you get that thing? Remember avril, the con ed guy with the shoulders? So i'm on 43rd street, there's a con ed truck.
The guy's bent over, so i goose him from behind.
He turns around.
Of course it's not him! I'm so embarrassed.
So he gave you the wrench? No.
This i've had forever.
Wow.
It's really great in here.
It's so hot.
It's like camp.
Remember camp? Remember how homesick you were? Why can't i get this damn thing to move? What's with you? What? I'm hot.
Why are you doing the eyebrow thing? What eyebrow thing? You're sexually frustrated.
Cut it out.
It's o.
K.
I am not sexually frustrated.
Well, i'm certainly not.
Because you sexually harass people at work.
Well, i'm the boss.
Yes.
I'm very proud of you.
Let me try this.
O.
K.
O.
K.
So? It's nothing.
You know you're going to tell me.
It's been better.
And now it stinks? It doesn't stink! Come on! You know you're going to tell me.
We're trying too hard.
You told me trying was making sex more romantic.
When we first started trying.
Now it's gotten It feels like it's become Not so good.
Yeah.
I knew you'd tell me.
Oh! No wonder it's so hot.
That thing's full of steam.
Hey.
Hey.
Why is it partly cloudy in here? It's steam.
Look at my pores completely unclogged.
You have gorgeous pores.
I've always said that.
We have any alka seltzer? In the bathroom.
If we could get these clouds to move into the bedroom, We could actually get snow.
All right.
Here we go.
I'm going in.
Are you o.
K.
? No.
Ask me what i just ate.
What did you just eat? Sevenno exaggeration seven egg rolls the size of my head While i watched my dopey cousin Lose $4,000 playing 21, Although, actually, after the way he played, They're going to rename it 26.
Ira's gambling? Well, not anymore.
He just ran out of money.
Where is thethank you.
You can't get angry.
He has a problem.
Well, now it's our problem.
He needs to borrow $4,000.
Why can't he go to his parents? Because then they'll think he's gambling.
He is gambling.
Sweetie, there are big guys expecting money from ira.
What are we going to do, not help him? Can we talk about it? Let's talk about it.
Is just giving him the money The best thing to do? Should we call these guys and tell them "In lieu of cash, my wife would like to arrange For you guys to have $4,000 of free publicity"? Don't get pissy.
I am pissy and sweating like a pig.
Where is your checkbook? Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
You know, don't you, That that's a side of you nobody likes? When our kids get in trouble, Are you just going to bail them out? We bail out your sister.
That is completely different.
Lisa lacks the ability to learn.
So how come she's working in that store six months, She's been promoted I keep telling you, she's a retailing savant.
Why are these checks wet? Wait a minute! I just don't think it's fair We delve into our hard-Earned nest egg Because ira's on a cold streak.
It's not fair.
Then why do it? Because if we don't, they're going to break his legs, Then i have nobody to play racquetball with.
No wise guy's going to put the hurt on him For a measly 4 thou.
Who are you, salazzo? My father's a butcher.
You think i don't know about this stuff? Show me the connection there.
The best thing you could do Is force ira to take responsibility.
When they find him in a meat locker, Then it'll be your responsibility.
Oh, my god.
I can't believe you're going to be One of those kinds of parents.
The way it's going, I don't think we got to worry about that soon.
What is that supposed to mean? Are you saying it's my fault we're not getting pregnant? I'm so not saying that.
That is such a cheap shot.
Not a shot.
A dig? No dig.
Then what are you saying? I don't know what i'm saying.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Maybe we're just having a little cold streak of our own.
So it was a dig.
Yeah.
If you hear from ira, have him call me.
Miss "they don't hurt a guy for a measly 4 thou," Three days now, no one's seen a trace of ira.
He's probably at the track.
So how come he's not returning my calls? I'm leaving messages all over town.
He's mad at you for not giving him the money.
I would have given him the money.
So you've made me the bad guy.
You arethe bad guy.
I hope you didn't present it that way, Because we agreed to present a united front.
I wish we'd agreed to give him the money.
That would have been the worst thing to do.
He's supposed to stop gambling.
How many times have you tried to quit smoking? I'm not smoking now.
Only because you're trying to get pregnant.
God knows how long that'll take.
Was that a dig? A little bit.
Where are you going? Ira's apartment.
I want to make sure he's o.
K.
He's fine.
These guys don't fool around.
I'm going with you.
Fine.
Good.
You're going with me.
What are you looking for? Sweetie? Is this all we have to hit somebody with? The rest of you guys wait out there! Hey! Ira? [Door slams.]
All right.
All right.
You look in there.
You look in there.
Honey, did we park near the s.
W.
A.
T.
Team? Go check his answering machine.
Oh, yeah.
Look in there.
I looked in there.
[Beep.]
[Paul.]
splinky, it's me.
You there? Pick up the phone.
All right, you're not there.
He's not there.
You thought he wouldn't like it.
He puts it right out on the coffee table.
[Beep.]
Ira, it's johnny.
Where's my 4 grand? In other words, you owe me 4 grand.
Don't make me look for you.
Hear that? Tough talk.
That's all it is.
[Beep.]
[Paul.]
ira, where are you? I wanted to give you the money, But jamie wouldn't go for it.
It's that "let's plan for the future" thing.
Funny.
Sounds just like me, doesn't it? Look at this picture.
What is this? Look at me with hair so short.
I can't believe it.
Four years ago? Look at how thin you were.
I'm almost too thin.
We gave him these.
That chair, too.
And this frame.
Look at this.
He has more pictures of us than we do.
He likes us more than we do.
My god.
What if something happens to him? What is going to happen? What if somebody broke his legs or something? You told me they wouldn't do that.
I believed it when i said it.
[Jamie.]
what is this place? [Paul.]
it's an underground casino.
Upstairs? Cream-Colored ponies and crisp apple strudel.
* doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles ** You're in.
* brown paper packages tied up with string ** Who is this guy? He's o.
K.
Wow.
This place is great.
Give me $20.
Behave yourself.
Hey.
Remember me? No.
You remember ira? You mean ira? In other words, ira.
Yeah.
This is $4,000 made out to cash.
O.
K.
? The blonde's a good tipper.
It's to cover ira's tab.
You can stop bothering him now.
Oh, ira's even.
Since when? This morning.
He's hitting pretty good.
So where is he? He must have stepped out.
So you didn't rough him up? Hey, we don't rough anybody up for a measly 4 thou.
Oh! Honey, egg rolls.
Hey! You got to play to eat.
In other words, If you want to eat, you got to play.
I'll play! Honey I want to play! Not here.
This guyunlucky.
This guy.
Here we go.
He's got the word bust all over him.
Now, remember.
Never hit on 17.
Even if the dealer has an 8? What did i say? Never hit on 17.
In other words, never hit on 17.
He's right behind you! Did he hear me? No.
Hit me.
No hit me! I have 17.
What did i say? Never hit on 17.
Hit me.
Hah! You owe her money.
Move! Raid! Raid! Didn't i say never hit on 17? Shh.
This is the most trouble i've ever been in In my whole life.
We're in jail.
Do you realize that? "Have you seen paul and jamie?" "Yeah.
They're in jail.
" "They're in the big house.
They're doing time.
" Look at that.
Our thumb prints are almost identical.
We have records.
You understand that? You and i, we're convicts.
We'll be out soon.
You made the call, right? Huh? What call? They gave you one call.
I'm assuming you made it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No one called.
What do you mean, no one called? Our machine.
Nobody called.
You used your one phone call to check the machine? What am i, an idiot? You idiot! Why wouldn't i call ira? You called home? What about your call? I called nat to walk murray.
You didn't tell him To walk by here with some bail money? I didn't want people knowing we're in jail.
That's the whole purpose of the call! You know what? We're too dumb to have kids.
So what do we do now? What? We're in jail.
What are they going to do? What, are they going to arrest us? O.
K.
There was something.
I know.
We are going to get pregnant.
You know that, don't you? You promise? I promise.
I don't think here is the best place.
I like it here.
All right.
Maybe we'll get a summer home on riker's island.
Hey, shut up.
The guard's coming.
I hope you guys don't hate me.
I thought you would gamble the money.
Odds are you're right.
You know what they say.
Give a guy a fish, he eats for one day.
But ifif you're fishing together What is it a whole week of Over your lifetime, if you're fishing every day But you eat some of the fish You'll always have Some fish that you couldn't finish.
What the hell is he talking about? As of this moment, you and i are ex-Cons.
Something our kids are going to have to live with.
I'll tell you this.
Nobody's going to bother them in the playground.
'Cause we did time.
We did a stretch.
Did your father ever say anything about that tie? Uh, no.
That tie i got him for his birthday? Oh, yeah.
He loved it.
What did he say? He said, "i love it.
" That's all? What should he say? It was a very expensive tie.
He said that.
He said that to you? He did not.
Why can't this whole gift thing end with the giving? It just can't.
* tell me why * * i love you like i do * * tell me who * * can stop my heart as much as you * * tell me all your secrets * * and i'll tell you most of mine * * they say nobody's perfect * * well, that's really true this time * * i don't have the answers, i don't have a plan * * all i have is you * * so, darlin', help me understand * * what we do * * you can whisper in my ear * * where we go * * who knows what happens after here? * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into the final frontier * * i'm mad about you, baby * * yeah * * i'm mad about you * * whoo-Hoo ** Cinnamon? [Paul.]
yeah! Raisins? Light or dark? Light, but they're exactly No! No! No! Man, this bathroom is freezing.
Oh, honey? Hot oatmeal on its way.
You know that guy on the fourth floor With the accent? Yeah.
You were right.
He's dutch.
See? But i was also a little right 'Cause i asked his wife.
There is something wrong with his tongue.
It's so cold in here there are actually flies Ice-Skating in the sink.
I can't believe how cold this bathroom is.
No, no, no.
Don't get up.
Do you want to eat On this side of the apartment with our coats on Or in the living room naked, where it's 500 degrees? Living room, naked.
Warm, warm, warm.
This is not hot.
It was when i came in here.
There's nothing worse than cold hot oatmeal.
New old cheese.
All right, you win.
Seriously, don't get up.
Would you look at your dog? That's the only comfortable place in the whole apartment.
It's like alaska in there.
It's tahiti in here.
He's lying right on the equator.
How come the super gets to go to florida, And we're here suffering? We got to stop tipping this guy for christmas.
He doesn't do anything, and he doesn't pay rent.
And for this, we're overtipping him.
We give him 40 bucks.
to the doorman.
You tipped the super $30? He doesn't do anything.
He goes to florida.
I don't blame him.
That money goes straight to airfare.
It's like a sauna in here.
It's good, though.
When we eat, as we eat, we're burning calories.
Why am i eating hot cereal in this weather? I don't know.
So, uh Last night was nice, huh? Uh-Huh.
Uh-Huh, what It was nice, or i'm just deluding myself? [Doorbell rings.]
You can't always be great.
True.
Then we'd have nothing to reach for.
Sometimes it's better not to discuss it.
I know.
On the other hand, not discussing it I know.
Hey, what is that? It's from the doorman.
Must be from that big, fat You ready? Yeah.
Let's do it.
Man! It's like a sauna in here.
You could eat food and burn calories at the same time.
I just said that! Really? I swear.
This is so sweet! "To my favorite couple.
Love, ira.
" Oh, i don't like this.
It's beautiful! Not the bowl, the whole thing of this.
What whole thing? He's taking me to lunch today.
So? Lunch, buying a bowl.
He's buying fran earrings.
When? When? About a month ago.
Took her out to lutece, bought her pearl earrings.
Then he probably took her back to the bedroom! Mark, mark, mark No.
I'm fine.
I'm fine! Look, i love ira.
He nails my wife, gives her earrings.
What's not to love Can we open a window in here or something? They're stuck from the heat.
Oh! It's so humid! I haven't felt humidity like this Since i delivered triplets in an adobe hut near albuquerque.
Did you say that earlier? I did not.
I didn't think you did.
O.
K.
, guys, have fun.
He'll get hooked, then he'll get you hooked.
Don't hold your breath.
What's your thing today? I'm waiting here.
For what? Lisa has a wrench.
What's that mean, lisa has a wrench? I have no idea.
The thing about golf is, It's a beautiful game played in a beautiful setting.
Paul, you'll love it Will you relax, please? Just relax.
Relax your hands.
Look at you.
How tense! Relax your shoulders, your legs Doesn't this feel good? Isn't this nice? Huh? So it's like a massage, but i'm holding a stick.
Give me the club.
O.
K.
, it's very simple.
You keep your feet in cement.
And you just swivel and hit it very Oh, look.
I sliced into the trees.
What trees? There's a dry cleaner next door.
You know, this game is perfect for you and jamie.
You play on weekends.
You play on vacations.
Then you join a club, Play in tournaments, and become so competitive.
And the pressure is unbelievable.
So it starts off as a fun thing And ends up an aggravation.
Like you couldn't believe.
I believe it.
It happened to my sex life.
Why not golf? Loosen the grip, like you're holding a sparrow.
Loose hands! Very loose Oh.
Well, that's good.
So that's good, you're saying? Well, the club went straight.
What's going on? What? You and jamie.
Nothing, nothing.
No! Come on.
Talk to me.
I'm a professional.
The pregnant thing, it's a lot of pressure.
You don't get pregnant overnight.
How long did it take you and fran? Me? Oh, well, fran gave me the sign, I stepped up to the plate Boom! Out of the park.
Well, that's good to hear.
It'll get better.
And if it doesn't? Then you end up like fran and me.
You know, you don't laugh at other people's jokes.
Hey, what's the matter, you couldn't get a table? Here, paulie.
Taste this.
Tell me this is not the best egg roll you ever had.
You got duck sauce? Forget the duck sauce.
Wow.
Go ahead.
Say it.
That's good.
No, paulie.
Say it.
Best egg roll i've ever had.
How come i never heard of this place? It's an underground casino.
Where? Upstairs.
Upstairs? There's an underground casino upstairs? That's right.
You don't get sneakier than that.
This is unbelievable.
It's tasty but expensive.
How much? Free, if you're willing to wager 200 bucks.
You're gambling again, huh? I'm not gambling.
I'm winning.
I knew it.
You're sending people plates.
You're buying pearls.
Remember flushing park? We used to play stickball? Yeah.
I was unbeatable at flushing park.
So? I'm unbeatable here.
Same thing.
Come on.
I'll show you.
You and gambling, you don't mix.
You always lose.
Not here.
This place is different.
Because they make an exceptional egg roll.
They're not chintzy with the shrimp.
Yeah.
Give my regards to broadway.
Remember me to herald square.
You're in.
Tell all the gang at 42nd street That i will * soon be there ** Who's this guy? Bobby, he's o.
K.
If i were a rich man.
Ya-Da dee-Dee dee-Dee da-Da da-Da dee-Da da-Da dum.
Johnny.
How's it going, man? Looking very sharp.
How you doing? Johnny.
Hi, john.
Johnny.
In other words, johnny.
Johnny.
That's elegant.
Johnny's strong.
Well, yeah.
Aren't you going to meetings for this? Would you relax? I'm on a roll.
I can't lose.
Dealer has blackjack.
I'm not even going to respond to that.
[Knock on door.]
[Lisa.]
it's me.
[Jamie.]
one second! Ta-Da! Excellent.
Where did you get that thing? Remember avril, the con ed guy with the shoulders? So i'm on 43rd street, there's a con ed truck.
The guy's bent over, so i goose him from behind.
He turns around.
Of course it's not him! I'm so embarrassed.
So he gave you the wrench? No.
This i've had forever.
Wow.
It's really great in here.
It's so hot.
It's like camp.
Remember camp? Remember how homesick you were? Why can't i get this damn thing to move? What's with you? What? I'm hot.
Why are you doing the eyebrow thing? What eyebrow thing? You're sexually frustrated.
Cut it out.
It's o.
K.
I am not sexually frustrated.
Well, i'm certainly not.
Because you sexually harass people at work.
Well, i'm the boss.
Yes.
I'm very proud of you.
Let me try this.
O.
K.
O.
K.
So? It's nothing.
You know you're going to tell me.
It's been better.
And now it stinks? It doesn't stink! Come on! You know you're going to tell me.
We're trying too hard.
You told me trying was making sex more romantic.
When we first started trying.
Now it's gotten It feels like it's become Not so good.
Yeah.
I knew you'd tell me.
Oh! No wonder it's so hot.
That thing's full of steam.
Hey.
Hey.
Why is it partly cloudy in here? It's steam.
Look at my pores completely unclogged.
You have gorgeous pores.
I've always said that.
We have any alka seltzer? In the bathroom.
If we could get these clouds to move into the bedroom, We could actually get snow.
All right.
Here we go.
I'm going in.
Are you o.
K.
? No.
Ask me what i just ate.
What did you just eat? Sevenno exaggeration seven egg rolls the size of my head While i watched my dopey cousin Lose $4,000 playing 21, Although, actually, after the way he played, They're going to rename it 26.
Ira's gambling? Well, not anymore.
He just ran out of money.
Where is thethank you.
You can't get angry.
He has a problem.
Well, now it's our problem.
He needs to borrow $4,000.
Why can't he go to his parents? Because then they'll think he's gambling.
He is gambling.
Sweetie, there are big guys expecting money from ira.
What are we going to do, not help him? Can we talk about it? Let's talk about it.
Is just giving him the money The best thing to do? Should we call these guys and tell them "In lieu of cash, my wife would like to arrange For you guys to have $4,000 of free publicity"? Don't get pissy.
I am pissy and sweating like a pig.
Where is your checkbook? Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
You know, don't you, That that's a side of you nobody likes? When our kids get in trouble, Are you just going to bail them out? We bail out your sister.
That is completely different.
Lisa lacks the ability to learn.
So how come she's working in that store six months, She's been promoted I keep telling you, she's a retailing savant.
Why are these checks wet? Wait a minute! I just don't think it's fair We delve into our hard-Earned nest egg Because ira's on a cold streak.
It's not fair.
Then why do it? Because if we don't, they're going to break his legs, Then i have nobody to play racquetball with.
No wise guy's going to put the hurt on him For a measly 4 thou.
Who are you, salazzo? My father's a butcher.
You think i don't know about this stuff? Show me the connection there.
The best thing you could do Is force ira to take responsibility.
When they find him in a meat locker, Then it'll be your responsibility.
Oh, my god.
I can't believe you're going to be One of those kinds of parents.
The way it's going, I don't think we got to worry about that soon.
What is that supposed to mean? Are you saying it's my fault we're not getting pregnant? I'm so not saying that.
That is such a cheap shot.
Not a shot.
A dig? No dig.
Then what are you saying? I don't know what i'm saying.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Maybe we're just having a little cold streak of our own.
So it was a dig.
Yeah.
If you hear from ira, have him call me.
Miss "they don't hurt a guy for a measly 4 thou," Three days now, no one's seen a trace of ira.
He's probably at the track.
So how come he's not returning my calls? I'm leaving messages all over town.
He's mad at you for not giving him the money.
I would have given him the money.
So you've made me the bad guy.
You arethe bad guy.
I hope you didn't present it that way, Because we agreed to present a united front.
I wish we'd agreed to give him the money.
That would have been the worst thing to do.
He's supposed to stop gambling.
How many times have you tried to quit smoking? I'm not smoking now.
Only because you're trying to get pregnant.
God knows how long that'll take.
Was that a dig? A little bit.
Where are you going? Ira's apartment.
I want to make sure he's o.
K.
He's fine.
These guys don't fool around.
I'm going with you.
Fine.
Good.
You're going with me.
What are you looking for? Sweetie? Is this all we have to hit somebody with? The rest of you guys wait out there! Hey! Ira? [Door slams.]
All right.
All right.
You look in there.
You look in there.
Honey, did we park near the s.
W.
A.
T.
Team? Go check his answering machine.
Oh, yeah.
Look in there.
I looked in there.
[Beep.]
[Paul.]
splinky, it's me.
You there? Pick up the phone.
All right, you're not there.
He's not there.
You thought he wouldn't like it.
He puts it right out on the coffee table.
[Beep.]
Ira, it's johnny.
Where's my 4 grand? In other words, you owe me 4 grand.
Don't make me look for you.
Hear that? Tough talk.
That's all it is.
[Beep.]
[Paul.]
ira, where are you? I wanted to give you the money, But jamie wouldn't go for it.
It's that "let's plan for the future" thing.
Funny.
Sounds just like me, doesn't it? Look at this picture.
What is this? Look at me with hair so short.
I can't believe it.
Four years ago? Look at how thin you were.
I'm almost too thin.
We gave him these.
That chair, too.
And this frame.
Look at this.
He has more pictures of us than we do.
He likes us more than we do.
My god.
What if something happens to him? What is going to happen? What if somebody broke his legs or something? You told me they wouldn't do that.
I believed it when i said it.
[Jamie.]
what is this place? [Paul.]
it's an underground casino.
Upstairs? Cream-Colored ponies and crisp apple strudel.
* doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles ** You're in.
* brown paper packages tied up with string ** Who is this guy? He's o.
K.
Wow.
This place is great.
Give me $20.
Behave yourself.
Hey.
Remember me? No.
You remember ira? You mean ira? In other words, ira.
Yeah.
This is $4,000 made out to cash.
O.
K.
? The blonde's a good tipper.
It's to cover ira's tab.
You can stop bothering him now.
Oh, ira's even.
Since when? This morning.
He's hitting pretty good.
So where is he? He must have stepped out.
So you didn't rough him up? Hey, we don't rough anybody up for a measly 4 thou.
Oh! Honey, egg rolls.
Hey! You got to play to eat.
In other words, If you want to eat, you got to play.
I'll play! Honey I want to play! Not here.
This guyunlucky.
This guy.
Here we go.
He's got the word bust all over him.
Now, remember.
Never hit on 17.
Even if the dealer has an 8? What did i say? Never hit on 17.
In other words, never hit on 17.
He's right behind you! Did he hear me? No.
Hit me.
No hit me! I have 17.
What did i say? Never hit on 17.
Hit me.
Hah! You owe her money.
Move! Raid! Raid! Didn't i say never hit on 17? Shh.
This is the most trouble i've ever been in In my whole life.
We're in jail.
Do you realize that? "Have you seen paul and jamie?" "Yeah.
They're in jail.
" "They're in the big house.
They're doing time.
" Look at that.
Our thumb prints are almost identical.
We have records.
You understand that? You and i, we're convicts.
We'll be out soon.
You made the call, right? Huh? What call? They gave you one call.
I'm assuming you made it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No one called.
What do you mean, no one called? Our machine.
Nobody called.
You used your one phone call to check the machine? What am i, an idiot? You idiot! Why wouldn't i call ira? You called home? What about your call? I called nat to walk murray.
You didn't tell him To walk by here with some bail money? I didn't want people knowing we're in jail.
That's the whole purpose of the call! You know what? We're too dumb to have kids.
So what do we do now? What? We're in jail.
What are they going to do? What, are they going to arrest us? O.
K.
There was something.
I know.
We are going to get pregnant.
You know that, don't you? You promise? I promise.
I don't think here is the best place.
I like it here.
All right.
Maybe we'll get a summer home on riker's island.
Hey, shut up.
The guard's coming.
I hope you guys don't hate me.
I thought you would gamble the money.
Odds are you're right.
You know what they say.
Give a guy a fish, he eats for one day.
But ifif you're fishing together What is it a whole week of Over your lifetime, if you're fishing every day But you eat some of the fish You'll always have Some fish that you couldn't finish.
What the hell is he talking about? As of this moment, you and i are ex-Cons.
Something our kids are going to have to live with.
I'll tell you this.
Nobody's going to bother them in the playground.
'Cause we did time.
We did a stretch.