Mad About You s04e21 Episode Script

The Award

A little higher.
Little higher.
To the right, to the right, to the right.
Higher.
Little higher.
Higher, higher, higher.
Little more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Three stooges fighting.]
[Keys jiggling in door.]
Uh-Oh! Hey! Hi, sweetie.
How you doing? Thought you decided not to grow a beard.
No, i'm not.
Ijust been so busy working, I've had no chance to shave.
You were busy today? Yeah.
Just doing some collating.
That's what i'm doing now.
Collating.
Mm-Hmm.
You didn't pick up the mail.
I had no time just running around.
'Cause you were busy.
Very busy.
I understand.
What'd i miss? Anything important? Bills, solicitations Ah, something for murray.
Look at all this.
What's that? This was sent to me at the explorer channel.
I guess they forwarded it.
This stuff's a month old.
We were invited to a screening of The adventures of flounder boy.
We missed it.
"The silver sprocket awards.
" Really? Maybe you were nominated.
For what? They butchered everything i did.
They totally destroyed weed.
You were nominated for weed! Get out of here! See? Vindication.
I don't care.
Care! When is it? What's the difference? I'm not going.
It's tomorrow.
Do you believe they waited this long To send this to me? I'm not going to go to this.
You have to go.
So i can wear a tuxedo? You're very handsome in a tuxedo.
Sit with the people who fired me? Yes.
That's exactly why you should go.
This will give you a chance To display your class, your dignity, your panache.
Hey, i don't display my panache to anybody but you.
That's private.
You have lovely panache.
Thank you.
What if i go and lose? Then, with as much grace and equanimity as you can muster, You give 'em the finger and run away.
I'm not going.
The other thing is the contacts, the networking.
I bet you'd get a dozen job offers.
I don't want to go and sit with those people.
But i'll be there right next to you.
'Cause you my woman.
Yes.
You're my wife.
Yes.
My soul mate.
Yes.
You're very good to me.
Yes.
You take care of me.
Yes.
You nurture me.
Yes.
You feed me and clothe me.
Yes.
Wait a second.
What? Mommy? All right.
You're not going to the sprocket awards? I'm not going.
Here you go Adventures of flounder boy.
There's a 7:30, 8:00, and a 9:30.
You're going to the awards.
I'm not.
It's a once- In-A-Lifetime opportunity.
Picture it "And the winner is paul buchman for" What's it for? Weed.
Weed.
Ha ha ha! Can i get a bag? Whatwhat, for that? Yeah.
Thank you.
You go and bite the hand that feeds you Because revenge is sweet, my friend, And winning is the greatest revenge.
And the early bird catches the cliché.
Are you going? I think so.
Atta boy.
Get yourself a tuxedo, and you go.
All right.
Thank you.
All right.
Can i get a bag? Get out of here.
Hi, honey, it's me.
Just wondering about tonight.
If you're not busy with an awards dinner, We could sprawl on the couch, eating bad chinese, Or we could dress up, go to the silver sprockets, You could win, and then drunk with victory and champagne, You could ravish me repeatedly In any manner you see fit.
But, you know, whatever.
Your call.
Oh, boy.
We have one hour.
What? You.
Me.
Train.
Albany.
"You.
Me.
Train.
Albany.
" Yes, albany.
Yes.
Doug, i'm really going to need a verb of some kind.
It's the state fund-Raiser tonight.
Brockwell can't make it.
We've got one hour to make the train.
I can't go to albany tonight.
You.
Me.
Train.
Albany.
Tonight.
Yes.
Must.
Can't.
Really can't.
Paul's been nominated for an award tonight.
He won't go unless i go.
Yeah? Is that for weed? Yes, it's for weed.
What about it? Hey, take it easy.
I liked weed, remember? I'm not happy about this, either.
You should have heard me yell at brockwell.
I gave it to him good.
You can't change people's plans at the last minute.
What did he say? Well, he wasn't there, But when he checks his voice mail, he'll get an earful.
He can't just do this to us.
People have lives.
Well, speak for yourself.
I'm calling brockwell.
He's gone already.
He had tickets for showboat.
You.
Me.
Albany.
Yes.
Must.
Paul, mad.
Me, really screwed.
[Whimpers.]
I don't want to, i have to.
What would you do? All right, let's go to the sprockets.
Let's network.
Let's schmooze.
I've got a speech that will blow their minds.
I arrive with the best-Looking woman, My chest filled with pride, my cummerbund I can't go.
What do you mean? I can't go.
You can't go? There's been a last-Minute change.
I have to go to albany.
With who, berkus? Yes.
Well, thatthat That just real that stinks.
If that wasn't rented, i swear to god I did everything i could to get out of it.
Did you really? Yes.
I'm very upset.
I got all psyched to go.
What fortified me Was that you would be with me.
Maybe somebody else could go with you.
I don't want anybody I would've gone with you, but now that's over.
Listen, i won't win anyway.
I don't know what to say.
When will you be back? Tomorrow.
Great.
I said i'm sorry.
Listen, we all make choices, And you made yours.
You could've gone with me, Or you could go to albany with berkus.
So you go with him.
I'm not going.
I will be there in spirit.
That may be the most meaningless thing You've ever said to me.
All right, look, I cannot make waves at work right now.
I'm the only one in this family with a job.
Listen, i could say if you love me, go to the sprockets.
If you loveme, go to the sprockets.
Just go.
We'll see.
I can't stand this.
It'll be o.
K.
I have to go.
So go.
Yougo.
I will be at the radisson in albany.
Good luck.
Yeah, where you going? Syracuse with rin tin tin or something? Alrighty, name your poison.
Five card stud, deuces wild? I don't play poker.
How about gin? Penny a point.
I don't know how.
Old maid? Crazy eights.
Go fish.
We'll cut.
High card wins.
Doug.
At the next stop, You'll have five minutes Before we change trains.
Why don't you call him? Thanks.
Hi, honey.
It's me.
I wish you were there, But i'm glad you're not, Because that means you went to the awards.
So i'm glad and i'm not.
[Train whistle blows.]
all aboard! I just wanted to say I'm proud of you.
I'm really, really proud of you, And i miss you.
Bye.
It's time to go.
Wait one second.
All aboard! We don't have time, jamie.
All aboard! One second.
Poughkeepsie, rhinecliff, hudson, albany, Rensaleer and schenectady.
Last call! Come on! Honey, it's me! I love you! O.
K.
Hold it! Hold the train! Wait! Wait! Hold the train! What do we do now? Teach me how to play gin? I'm proud of you.
For what? For showing up, Sitting with the people who fired you.
I couldn't do that.
I lack the character.
Well, thank you Let me finish.
The character to degrade myself, Humiliate myself in front of I couldn't do it.
I admire you.
Thank you.
Something very powerful, please.
Make it two.
What will you say if you win? Don't worry.
I got a show-Stopper speech prepared.
Yeah? Let me hear it.
I'm not giving it away.
Let's just say revenge is sweet And winning is the best revenge.
A little clichéd, don't you think? Don't worry about it.
You see any explorer channel weasels here? Look at you! Straighten yourself out.
You look just terrible.
Mark, come on.
Hold still, please.
Justo.
K.
, please? All right, all right.
There.
Now you look like somebody.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'm going to call my wife.
Where's she staying? She's in albany at the radisson.
Ooh, the albany radisson is fantastic.
In the morning, they serve coffee and this bun With this glaze Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.
Hi.
Jamie buchman, please.
Can i leave a message? O.
K.
, tell her her husband called, And just say, "i went to the thing" Sprockets Sprockets S Just leave it "the thing.
" "I went to the thing And i love you.
" Not youher.
I don't know you.
I'm sure you're nice.
Just put "i love you," and she'll know it's her.
Thank you very much.
You ready? Tell me i can do this.
Yes, you can.
Look at me! You have very long lashes.
Quick phone call.
All right.
I said i was sorry.
Gin! What is this? You're sure you've never played? No, i'm hustling you, sucker.
I'm up 4 cents.
Pay me.
It wouldn't kill you to let me win.
It would.
You don't know me.
Apparently not.
I'm very competitive.
I like winning.
I hate losing.
But cheating in gin I wasn't cheating.
I wasn't cheating.
That's why i wanted to go with paul tonight.
I gave him this speech about grace and dignity.
Truth is, i wanted him to win.
You know, i feel bad.
Come on.
It's not your fault We're trapped in croton playing gin.
But i don't mind as much as you do.
Actually, i don't.
No? No.
Gin.
And i loved the film with the lion and the jackal, And the jackal and the lion.
Lion, jackal.
Jackal, lion.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
And who wins and who eats And all this time i'm thinking, "Why can't they all just get along?" What sort of films do you make? I'm not a filmmaker.
Really? No.
I'm a doctor, a gynecologist.
We're thinking of starting a medical channel.
Perhaps you'd give us a call, share some thoughts.
Oh, that's great.
[Choking.]
You all right? I'll be right back.
Can i have a beer so big it hurts to lift it? Well, who knows better than you do? I hate these things.
I hate these things.
I hate these things.
How do you feel about these thingslike 'em? I really don't.
Champagne, please.
I should have had champagne.
What did you get? A beer.
That's what i wanted.
Watch this.
O.
K.
So, where's your date? My date? Big guy, tuxedo.
Oh, my date.
He's not my uh, he's inside.
Champagne.
That was a very good call.
So what do you do? If i say filmmaker, Will you think i'm pretentious? Of course.
O.
K.
But only because i am, too.
What? A filmmaker or pretentious? Both.
Well, good for us then.
I'm pretentious filmmaker sarah.
Pretentious filmmaker paul.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
I'm going back inside, smile, and be phony.
Let me see.
Hi! Saw your film.
Love it, love it, love it.
Very good.
Go get them.
This is crazy.
We'll never make it.
The train will be here any minute.
So what? We get up there, We shake three hands, Show our faces for eight seconds, And get back on the train.
What difference does it make? You know it makes a difference.
I want to go home.
You can't! What about brockwell? Brockwell? What about him? He's somewhere listening to old man river.
[Train whistle blows.]
See? That's our train.
No, it's not.
That's the train back to the city.
No, it's coming from that way.
No, it's coming from that way.
I'll tell you what.
No.
If that's the new york train, we're on it.
That's not an option.
It's totally fair.
If that's the city train, we get on it.
I cannot do that.
I have to, and so should you.
Have a life! I do, such as it is.
It's that way.
Well, mine is that way.
[Pager beeps.]
Ooh.
That's me.
I'll be right back.
Where are you going? To make a call.
You're leaving me with them? You can survive without me for two minutes.
Excuse me.
I've got an emergency c-Section.
I'm going with you.
You'd rather watch me perform a c-Section Than stay and win an award? Yes.
Know what? What? That is sick.
I want to go.
You can't.
I have i have to.
You cannot come with me.
That's final, paul.
Now march in there.
Sit yourself at the table like a young man.
Do you understand me? O.
K.
O.
K.
I'll see you later.
Good luck.
O.
K.
Hi.
How are you? I admire your work.
You're a genius.
I don't say that word often.
That's enough.
Beer? Please.
Two.
The nominees for outstanding achievement In nature films, non-Mammalian Is that your category? Oh, yeah.
I guess so.
You're not going to go back inside? No.
The truth is i don't care.
I really don't.
I don't care about any of this.
It's stupid.
You know, it's ridiculous.
The whole thing is ridiculous.
Awards.
You know, i mean, awards.
They're insulting and stupid.
And the winner is weed, paul buchman, director.
Whoo! Yeah! All right, this isthis feels really, really good.
Uh, the explorer channel.
This is for us, you know.
I couldn't have done it without the explorer channel.
I want to thank them for their vision And their moral fortitude And just, uh, for believing in me.
I was just a guy with a weed and a dream, Yeah, paul! Yeah! Boy, this is uh, um Boy, you know, i want to say that when i was When i was a kid, The very first time i saw the wizard of oz [Fanfare music plays.]
I'm sorry.
There's no answer in that room.
Would you like to leave a message? Sir? Sirsir? Sir? Hey.
Hey.
You're back.
Hey.
Ta-Da! Ha ha.
Good for you.
You still don't care? Well, i, boy as bourgeois as it sounds, I must tell you, it feels very good to win.
You didn't know that? No.
I didn't.
I've never won anything, ever.
No.
Losing's bad.
Winning's good.
Yeah.
There's no comparison.
Well, enjoy it.
I have to go.
You're not going to leave now, are you? Oh, yes.
It's that time.
So, wait, so a person like you, if they were leaving, They would go where? Home? Probably.
Why? No why.
Nono.
I was just thinking And no implication here, but i'm leaving, So do you want to split a cab? Actually, i thought i'd take a walk.
Oh, o.
K.
Do you want to split a walk? You know what? That's o.
K.
Better off.
Um, very nice to meet you.
O.
K.
O.
K.
You sure? Yeah.
I'm sure.
O.
K.
What? Take a walk? Errol morris is blurring the line between fiction and nonfiction.
Good for him.
Mm-Hmm.
What he's really doing is narrative documentary.
All right.
If you insist.
The thin blue line is really a suspense film Disguised as a documentary.
You know, you really are a little pretentious.
I told you so.
So what happens now? Are you actually going home? Yes.
Shouldn't you? I should.
Yeah, i should.
I just don't particularly want to.
Well? What then? We can't.
Can we? No.
We really can't.
Maybe some other time.
No.
Maybe some other life.
I've got a little voice inside my head i just want to kill.
It's really loud.
I can hear it, too.
I'm, uh, going to get into the cab.
Please.
It was really nice meeting you.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
Hi.
Hey, what are you doing here? I came home.
Did you get my message? No.
Did you get mine? No.
I never went to albany.
I won.
I know.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
How do you know? I went to the banquet.
I must have missed you.
You went to the banquet? Yeah.
When was that? I guess just after you left.
Come to bed.
You can bring that with you.
O.
K.
I'll be right in.
O.
K.
I love you.
I love you.
Hey, james? Yeah? I'll be right in.
O.
K.

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