Mad Dogs (2010) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
'You guys have always been there for me.
I really appreciate that.
I do.
' Here's to you, Alvo.
Cheers.
Fifty quid says none of you lot can go 24 hours without using your phone Lock 'em up and see you sweat! Aaaaarrhhhh! This is Laurie.
Lotte.
Lotte.
Think we should say something? The guy is married.
We went to his kids' christenings.
Business.
I thought he'd retired.
No.
Dominic said we were good.
I'M NOT HAVING IT! We nicked it.
Oh, I knew it! Just leaving it somewhere it'll take Jesus a little time to find.
He blew Alvo's head off cos we took that boat! DNA? I'm a walking petrie dish.
They've got me for any crime they want.
Don't phone the police.
We have to get rid of the body.
You no need to clean today.
I am not the housekeeper.
We're looking for a boat.
Listen, lads.
Can I just say something here? This is not our boat.
Well, who's this belong to then? Oh, that's ours, yeah.
People won't let you away with stuff like this.
Jesus Milic - the man who owned the boat that was missing.
He has been murdered.
"Who's gonna drive this boat, Alvo?" "Me, who do you think?" "Do you know how to? Yeah, I'm a man of many talents.
" "It might be the last anyone sees of us!" Did you forget something? May I come in? I don't have the key.
OK.
Then we talk through this.
Like in prison, yes? How is your holiday? Are you enjoying Majorca? It is a beautiful island.
Although I am a little partisan, I think.
Such a pleasant spot - olive trees the mountains There are many stories about this mountain.
What do you want? I was worried.
I wondered if you hear from Mr Alvo yet.
You speak very good English.
My stepfather is English.
So I have been speaking for a long time.
So why were you worried? Because Alvo is missing.
He is not missing.
He's away on business.
Oh.
I forgot.
But now Jesus has been killed.
What has that got to do with Alvo? It was a very bad murder.
You have strong stomach? They cut off his hands and feet.
Serbian mafia.
Like a business card.
Why would the mafia kill him? This is what we must find out.
They want something, because they torture before he die.
There are many ways to solve a problem, yes? Maybe you can come out of all this with something for yourself.
What do you mean? Maybe you would like to talk with me alone, but you are worried.
I can protect you.
Better than Serbian mafia, yes? And if you want to talk, it is private.
Just you and me.
OK? What did she want? Who? Oh, she just uh What did she want? That's good question.
Wanted to know if we'd heard from Alvo.
That female cop again.
Joking.
No.
She was talking to Bax.
Oi.
What'd she say? She just wondered if Alvo was back.
All the way up here to ask you that? So it would seem, yeah.
Listen.
I don't like that.
It feels like she's fucking with us! What'd she give ya? Eh? I saw her passing you something through the gate.
I was watching from the window.
Oh! Oh, yeah, she she wanted to show me pictures of Jesus' body.
You weren't gonna tell us.
Course I was.
I was just a bit A bit freaked out.
I was about to tell you.
What else you keepin' from us? Nothing.
Don't keep secrets, Bax.
That's rich coming from you, Woody.
Having lied about seeing Alvo in London.
I told you why that was about.
He didn't have time to see all of youse and didn't want anyone to feel slighted.
You sure? Why'd she show you photos of the body? I don't know! Look, if she really thought we knew anything about Alvo, or the boat, she'd take us in.
Wouldn't she? I reckon she's involved.
Yeah, I do, as well.
Maybe she killed Jesus.
As if Jesus ever existed.
She said it was the Serbian mafia.
Mafia? Mafia.
She said they'd cut his hands and feet off.
OK.
OK.
That's insane.
You can't just muck about with people like that.
We'll go to the police and say we don't want to speak to her, we want the top man.
We can't.
I'm gonna call Nina.
She can go to the cops in England.
Explain the whole thing.
Phone's dead.
Somebody's cut the phone off.
Maybe Al forgot to pay his bill.
Where are you going? Gettin' out of here.
Rick? Get my phone out the safe.
Rick, hold on.
Rick! Whether we meant to or not, we stole that boat, OK? That's a fact.
We got a dead person in the deep freeze - another fact.
AND we sold drugs to drug dealers.
Fact.
And there's 3 millions euros stashed in a hire car.
Yeah.
And we're dead unless we get help.
How d'you get this open? Listen, I'm going to the airport.
Getting the next plane outta here.
Look, we agreed no one was gonna jeopardise anybody-bloody-else, Rick! You go to the airport, get caught, we're all bollocksed! I'll take me chances.
You will, will ya? What about me?! I was the one that got bloody raped for his DNA.
It'd be me that'd be fucked over the most! WELL, THERE'S NOT A LOT I CAN DO ABOUT THAT, IS THERE? I'm gonna get some tools and jemmy it open.
Rick, what's the matter? Yesterday you were all "game on"! That was before we knew it was Serbian mafia.
I've read about them, they're para- militaries left over from the wars.
You piss them off, they cut your FUCKIN' HEAD OFF! Fact! We don't even know if it's true.
Whatever.
What if cop-woman was in bed with them? She took all our addresses yesterday.
Not as if you gave her your real one, though, is it? Did you? Well, didn't you? Oh! Well, I'm not at home that much, anyway.
Cut his hands off.
Alvo.
We takes his hands off before we put him back on the boat.
That way the whole thing looks like a mafia feud.
Both guys were involved, both guys dead Drug deal gone wrong.
Well, at least he's already missing his fucking feet.
Right? Yeah, let's do it.
OK.
It's good, yeah.
Come on, let's go get the fuck out of here.
STOP! Stop will ya?! STOP WHAT?! We'll do it when it's dark.
So nobody can see us.
You can't go screwing this up, Rick.
Panic's over.
I'm OK now.
Not the time to be beering it up though, eh? What's Alvo's birthday? Everyone uses their birthday.
We've got Woody's pin number.
There's something bigger in here than our phones.
I can feel it.
Maybe it's more money.
Oh, good.
Just what we need - more money! If it's Alvo's, we could have it, couldn't we? Then maybe you can pay me back.
What? I said maybe you can pay me back.
What you owe me.
What are you bringing that up for? Well, you obviously weren't gonna.
But if you need it, you just have to say.
I don't NEED it.
Just would've been nice if you'd offered.
Or given me a heads-up that you can't afford to pay it back.
How many times have I sat here, Bax, listening to you bangin' on about how well your business is doing? Not that well.
Or you'd have paid me back.
Wouldn't ya? Fine.
I'll give it you, soon as we get back.
Hey! Forget about it! No, I insist.
You come with me and as soon as we get out, I'll write you a cheque.
I don't need it.
Why the fuck bring it up then?! Just trying to embarrass me? Not trying to embarrass you.
Just wondered why you never mentioned it.
Can't pay it back, don't borrow it.
Take it outta the boot of the car, you can pay him back with interest.
Maybe we should have that money.
It's bent, right? Means it's not traceable.
If we took, what 10 grand each? Who's gonna know? Forty thousand, now it's 3 million.
What difference does it make? And you can pay Ricky's 5 grand bac Who told you it was 5 grand? Thanks for respecting my privacy.
Can you two just leave it?! Isn't it just a tiny bit important, Quinn? Given current circumstances? Don't we need to know who can keep their mouth shut?! We all trust each other.
He's gotta trust us not to tell Nina about him fucking that girl! You can be SUCH an asshole.
It was YOU in her knickers! Like you wouldn't've.
I'm not married, mate! Never played away? No, as it happens! Bollocks.
You accusing me? Know all about me, do you, Rick? Come on, lads.
Leave it.
If he's gonna start throwing accusations, make him back it up.
S'pose we can't all be as perfect as you, can we? Oh, no, I forgot - your partner is at the other end of the country and you don't speak to your kids.
Wonder what that's about.
If you've got something to say to me, Rick, fucking say it! I JUST DID! If you ask me, Alvo was right about you.
Bang on the money.
You fucked up your life.
But you're too conceited to admit it.
What are you gonna do, Quinn? What are you gonna do? Eh? Punch me in the face? How very mid-life crisis of ya.
Now THAT was out of order.
Why don't you just shut up? We could go up the mountain and drop the fucker off.
The safe.
/ I was maybe a little bit wrong to have said some of that.
No, I'm I'm sorry for grabbing you like I did.
And you're right, my life is a wash-out.
A total fucking lemon.
No No, she'll come back.
No, she won't.
We agreed.
Ages ago.
You know, Quinn, sometimes life, it just hits patches.
So who is this girl, then? Amy.
How long have you been together? Oh, not sure if we're together.
Does she know about- Everything.
She's still with you.
Amazing.
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
And the tragedy wasn't separating, the tragedy was staying together as long as we did.
Got your kids though, haven't you? Gorgeous little Vicki.
Becky.
Rebecca.
When you're in love with someone, they tell you there's no greater experience than having a child together.
As soon as you do As soon as you have that kid the love you had for each other is consigned to history.
See, by having a child, man creates his greatest rival.
The person his wife is going to love more than him.
It's one of our last great taboos - wishing you'd never had your kids.
You're just feelin' like that because of all this.
Everything happens for a reason, right? No, it doesn't.
Only morons believe that.
She's got this little boy.
He's great.
Feels like a second chance, you know what I mean? Well, my next life's starting now.
You think that was about Nina? Mm.
Do you think Quinn's still- Oh, yeah.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
Shift of direction.
Get yourself a new bird on the firm.
At my age? Girls don't look at you anymore.
Don't they? Well, unless they're pissed up Northern tarts with a daddy complex.
Oh, come on, Quinn! Hey.
You got your new career.
Yeah.
Now, I'm drowning in a sea of bottle green corduroy and landscaped fucking water features! Well, maybe you just have to make the most of what's left.
I'm not doing it.
You do it.
Do it at the boat.
Why don't you do the hands, you've done it before? That was spontaneous.
This is premeditated.
I'm not savage.
Argh! Ugh! Oh, shit! What?! Sorry! Sorry! Something just ran across my foot, a rat or something.
Jesus! Where is it? Don't worry.
Is that smell what I think it is? Defrosting.
You know the Native Americans believe that the spirits of the dead protect them and watch over them.
Do you think Alvo, maybe, Shit! Don't do this to me! Get your light on him, Bax! Down here! There he is.
Get your torch on it.
There he is.
Who the hell's this? What the fuck's this lot? Just act normal.
Don't look at the body.
Don't look at it.
Just act normal.
Just keep waving.
That was arguably the most surreal thing that's ever happened in my life.
Come on, then, where is he? Torch on him, Bax.
Let's get this done and get out of here.
Oh, it stinks.
ARRRGHHH! Oh, dear! Your turn.
He's got his gear His watch on.
Fuck sake! Chuck him over.
You chuck him over, I'm not touching him again.
Hold on.
There's a foot missing.
We're a foot light! Must've dropping it on the track.
Out of petrol.
What am I gonna tell Amy? What's she gonna think of me now? You can't tell her.
This has to stay between us four.
What's that smell? Oh, I know - hypocrisy.
Like you can keep your mouth shut! You still on about that 5 grand?! No.
About your not being able to keep your yap shut! Fucked if I'm going to prison cos you yapped to some tweenie in a bar! You have a really low opinion of me, Baxter.
Truth? Yes, I fucking do.
Pipe down, you two, fuck's sake! Stickin' up for him, are ya, Woody? Wow, so, bloody hell, you don't mind what he's told all of us what you'd do for money when you were really messed up?! Eh? Smile, big boy! Come on, then! Hey! HEY! Stop it! Fucking stop it! We're supposed to be looking for a FUCKING FOOT! Hold up.
That's the one that nibbled on Alvo.
Careful, he might have rabies.
Moosh! Shoo! It's Spanish? The dog's Spanish.
Ole! Ole! Oi! OK, let's go.
In case it fits and he comes back for the other one.
Hold on, I've only got one bleeding shoe.
You know when you first told me about this, my instinct was to say no.
Do you wanna know why? Not really.
Because bein' round you is such a fucking ordeal, Rick.
You're like that mutt back there - big fucking slobbering dog jumping up all over everyone.
Knocking everyone over, trying to hump everyone's leg.
What's the matter with him? Ach, he's just having a girly sulk.
Come on, Rick.
He didn't mean it! Yeah, I did! He'll be back, when he's hungry.
Wasn't what you think, you know.
That modelling stuff.
What? Oh.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'm sure the pictures were very artistic! You need to get that dressed, mate.
Right, how do we do that, then? By using a bandage.
Thirty-six hours 36 hours and we're gone.
Right.
I'm gonna have something to eat.
Then I'm gonna go to bed.
And if I wake up before it's time to leave, I'll drink myself back to bloody sleep again.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
So you in touch with Nina much? Ah, yeah, single.
Why'd you ask that? Just wondering.
You know what the most popular breakfast cereals in America are? The ones with the highest sugar content.
A country with over 190 million obese people, who believe that eating a breakfast cereal sugar-rich and corn-based is somehow gonna help them stay healthy.
I mean that's gotta be the biggest piece of propaganda ever, hasn't it? And you care about this because? Because it's synonymous with how we all live our lives.
I'm starting to understand why your kids don't talk to you.
Nobody wants to think for themselves any more! Be in control of their own destiny.
Cos it's all too much effort.
Everything we do, everything we watch, that we eat that we interact with, is the result of some form of marketing.
We've sold our entire lives from cradle to grave, and the illusion is we've never had so much choice, but the fact of the matter is we exert none.
What's the alternative, then? The alternative? Maybe we should start doing things for ourselves.
Take control.
Do you know who invented breakfast cereal? The Seventh Day Adventists.
That makes you think, doesn't it? Not really.
You alright? Shit! Manos! Los manos! Hands! Hands up! I'm holding cereal, I can't.
Ssss! Silencio! Would you like me to put it down, or should I hold the bowl up too? Just put it down.
I'm putting it down.
Putting it down here.
El barco.
Donde esta? We don't speak Spanish.
The boat Where is, please? We don't know anything about a boat.
OK.
OK Una vez mas El barco.
Donde esta? El barco.
Donde esta? Fuck! Donde esta THE OTHER MAN?! THERE WAS ONE MORE MAN HERE - WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS? WHERE IS? He's gone home.
Up! Up you! Go! Go.
Go.
Aqui.
Aqui! Why do you keep picking on me? I haven't done anything.
Oh.
Oh! Arriba! Up.
UP! Come on! Fuck fuck To the fucking floor NOW! NOW! Legs together.
Together the legs! OK WHERE IS THE FUCKING BOAT? FOR THE LAST TIME! OK, I'll take you to it.
Don't let go! I've gotcha, I've gotcha! Alright, down, down, down Oi! Stop! Stop! We're civilised people! Leave him! Come on, get up! No reason for us to act like him, is there? Ow, motherfucker! I'll get the gun! Alright Now what are we gonna do We need to find out who he is.
Oi! Who are ya? He don't speak English.
Get one of Alvo's phrasebooks he give us.
Donde Donde esta su trabajo? What does that mean? Trying to say "Who do you work for?" Only got "Where do you work?" Fuck you! He DOES understand English Shoot him.
Shut up! Right, listen to me! Are you police? You policio? Not being funny, but he's not tall enough to be a cop, is he? We need to search him.
Yeah Ready? OK.
Hold him down! He's not very frightened of us, is he? That's why we should shoot him! Hold him down! Hold him down! You dirty little bastard! Right! Do you work for Jesus? Jesus Milic?! Do you work for the Serbian mafia? What's Spanish for Serbian? Serbian! Right, let's waterboard him.
Waterboard him.
We can't throw him in the pool, what we gonna do with him? We can't let him go? We're not gonna kill him.
I could kill him! This could actually work for us.
We've got something of theirs.
A bargaining chip.
Alright, I've got it, I've got it.
We get one of them DV cameras.
Take some footage of him, take it into the police station- Shut the fuck up, or I swear to god! I don't get it, what do you mean? Gimme that gun! OK, OK, OK It's poker, man.
We're seeing them and raising them.
One safe passage off the island, for one tiny Blair.
Assuming the police are in on it.
Of course the police are in on it! He was saying he was police when he shot Alvo.
Well, that's why we should go to the police.
I'm in.
I'm in.
Three to one, Quinn.
Give him some of your water.
Make us look humanitarian and stuff Woody, you got it on? Turn it on.
On.
OK.
See, we are nice to you, yes? No violencia.
See? Nice nice Armani.
From their Junior Collection.
Right, you little shit, anything you wanna say to your colleagues? Lil' fucker! Hey, hey! Un mensaje.
Fuck you.
What can you do? Try and make friends on holiday See? We mean no harm.
No No! No voy a matar.
No voy a matar.
Hijo de puta! Ruff, ruff, ruff! What if two go? No, three go, one stays.
No, no, no - one stays, three go.
I dunno, what do you think? I say two go in and ask to speak to the top man.
Wait.
Just wait a minute What if, for argument's sake, this has nothing to do with the police? We'd be putting ourselves in the frame for murder, drug dealing and now kidnapping.
Yeah, but we're innocent.
What, and innocent people never go to prison? What's he got us into? And even if the police were involved we'd only be provoking them, wouldn't we? Be like poking a snake with a blunt stick.
Nah, we're showing them we can't be messed with pokin' a snake with- Say it, Rick - I'm a teacher, you're an accountant! Financial consultant.
He sells vases.
We're not bloody gangsters, here.
Hey, look out.
Can't tell me that's a coincidence.
She's watching us.
No way.
It's obvious they're watching us.
If we leave the money in the villa for them to find after we've gone, nobody can touch us.
But how do we get the money back to the villa? One of us takes a cab to the airport to pick up the hire car.
What if she follows us? Someone else has to bring it to the villa.
Miramar Hotel.
Can we find that? Right, why don't you all just wait at the bar? Behave yourself.
Hola.
Didn't realise this was going to turn into something more longterm.
You know how it is - holiday romances.
Never know how they'll pan out.
What happened to your eye? Bit of an argument with a shovel.
Bit old to be gettin' in tear-ups, aren't you? Yeah.
You should see the shovel.
So, want to come up to me room then? Gesticulating a lot.
Is that good or bad? Bad.
Or good.
Probably bad.
What's he doing? Don't think he'll do a runner with her, do you? Did he say something.
No.
You don't think he's gone up for a quick- No, no.
He wouldn't dare.
So what are we gonna do about our Spanish Oompa-Loompa? Suppose we'll just set him free when we leave.
Let him run wild across the Sierras.
They say you shouldn't make any big changes or starts any new projects in the first two years of sobriety.
Moving house ending relationships Don't deal drugs.
Or kidnap a midget.
Can you say midget? Is that PC? Or is it dwarf? He's down a well, Quinn.
Say what you want.
Munchkin.
Sorted.
What did you say? Charmed her, mate.
Seriously, what did you say? Offered her 5,000 euros.
You what? She'll be all suspicious.
She'll know something's up.
Well, she's not stupid, is she? I think she's aware something's up! Had to make it worth her while.
Don't worry about it! Said I'd double it if she didn't ask any questions.
Listen, everyone has their price.
Hey.
Large vodka.
Please.
Two.
You stoppin' here for a drink with her? No.
No, they're both for me.
You know it's funny, innit, but everybody suddenly appears to be a bit suspicious.
If either of 'em starts looking Serbian.
Well, if anyone tries anything What the bloody hell you doing? Brilliant.
He's giving wads of cash to people we don't know, and you think you're the Baxinator! 25 euros, please.
Don't look at me, I haven't got any cash on me.
I've got some change.
I've got it.
Oh.
I cannot change this.
I don't have this kind of money.
Crazy! Only drug dealers have 500 euro notes.
Are you drug dealers? Give us a minute, mate.
How many more of those did you take? Just one.
It's a souvenir, innit? Got three.
Greedy bastard! It fell on the deck.
What am I gonna do? Know how many I got on me? None! Do you know why? Cos I don't wanna go to fucking prison! Are you nuts? You know how to use that, do you? Oh, you do, do you?! Well, you don't hold it like that! Like what? Close to you.
Alright.
Whoah-oh! Now what you doin'?! Fuckin' hell, you hold it then! I don't wan' it! Hey! I'll hold it! You're not holding it.
Why? You'd shoot my nose off or something Hey, I saved your life today! Fuckin' hell - wondered how long it'd be before you brought that up.
Shall I put it in the fuckin' IOU with the five grand?! Gimme the gun.
No.
Gimme the fuckin' gun! It's mine.
Hey.
Don't you think we should check on our guest? FUCK! HE'S IN HERE! HE'S IN HERE! HE'S IN HERE! Ugh.
What's that in his mouth? Fingers.
Got his fingers in his mouth.
More Serbians arrive to the island.
Maybe you only have one hour.
We're under attack.
What? Get down, Baxter - NOW! If we don't do something, we're all gonna die.
This is all basically your fault, y'know! How'd you work that out? I'd rather take me chances with Serbian mafia than you lot.
accessibility&bskyb.
com
I really appreciate that.
I do.
' Here's to you, Alvo.
Cheers.
Fifty quid says none of you lot can go 24 hours without using your phone Lock 'em up and see you sweat! Aaaaarrhhhh! This is Laurie.
Lotte.
Lotte.
Think we should say something? The guy is married.
We went to his kids' christenings.
Business.
I thought he'd retired.
No.
Dominic said we were good.
I'M NOT HAVING IT! We nicked it.
Oh, I knew it! Just leaving it somewhere it'll take Jesus a little time to find.
He blew Alvo's head off cos we took that boat! DNA? I'm a walking petrie dish.
They've got me for any crime they want.
Don't phone the police.
We have to get rid of the body.
You no need to clean today.
I am not the housekeeper.
We're looking for a boat.
Listen, lads.
Can I just say something here? This is not our boat.
Well, who's this belong to then? Oh, that's ours, yeah.
People won't let you away with stuff like this.
Jesus Milic - the man who owned the boat that was missing.
He has been murdered.
"Who's gonna drive this boat, Alvo?" "Me, who do you think?" "Do you know how to? Yeah, I'm a man of many talents.
" "It might be the last anyone sees of us!" Did you forget something? May I come in? I don't have the key.
OK.
Then we talk through this.
Like in prison, yes? How is your holiday? Are you enjoying Majorca? It is a beautiful island.
Although I am a little partisan, I think.
Such a pleasant spot - olive trees the mountains There are many stories about this mountain.
What do you want? I was worried.
I wondered if you hear from Mr Alvo yet.
You speak very good English.
My stepfather is English.
So I have been speaking for a long time.
So why were you worried? Because Alvo is missing.
He is not missing.
He's away on business.
Oh.
I forgot.
But now Jesus has been killed.
What has that got to do with Alvo? It was a very bad murder.
You have strong stomach? They cut off his hands and feet.
Serbian mafia.
Like a business card.
Why would the mafia kill him? This is what we must find out.
They want something, because they torture before he die.
There are many ways to solve a problem, yes? Maybe you can come out of all this with something for yourself.
What do you mean? Maybe you would like to talk with me alone, but you are worried.
I can protect you.
Better than Serbian mafia, yes? And if you want to talk, it is private.
Just you and me.
OK? What did she want? Who? Oh, she just uh What did she want? That's good question.
Wanted to know if we'd heard from Alvo.
That female cop again.
Joking.
No.
She was talking to Bax.
Oi.
What'd she say? She just wondered if Alvo was back.
All the way up here to ask you that? So it would seem, yeah.
Listen.
I don't like that.
It feels like she's fucking with us! What'd she give ya? Eh? I saw her passing you something through the gate.
I was watching from the window.
Oh! Oh, yeah, she she wanted to show me pictures of Jesus' body.
You weren't gonna tell us.
Course I was.
I was just a bit A bit freaked out.
I was about to tell you.
What else you keepin' from us? Nothing.
Don't keep secrets, Bax.
That's rich coming from you, Woody.
Having lied about seeing Alvo in London.
I told you why that was about.
He didn't have time to see all of youse and didn't want anyone to feel slighted.
You sure? Why'd she show you photos of the body? I don't know! Look, if she really thought we knew anything about Alvo, or the boat, she'd take us in.
Wouldn't she? I reckon she's involved.
Yeah, I do, as well.
Maybe she killed Jesus.
As if Jesus ever existed.
She said it was the Serbian mafia.
Mafia? Mafia.
She said they'd cut his hands and feet off.
OK.
OK.
That's insane.
You can't just muck about with people like that.
We'll go to the police and say we don't want to speak to her, we want the top man.
We can't.
I'm gonna call Nina.
She can go to the cops in England.
Explain the whole thing.
Phone's dead.
Somebody's cut the phone off.
Maybe Al forgot to pay his bill.
Where are you going? Gettin' out of here.
Rick? Get my phone out the safe.
Rick, hold on.
Rick! Whether we meant to or not, we stole that boat, OK? That's a fact.
We got a dead person in the deep freeze - another fact.
AND we sold drugs to drug dealers.
Fact.
And there's 3 millions euros stashed in a hire car.
Yeah.
And we're dead unless we get help.
How d'you get this open? Listen, I'm going to the airport.
Getting the next plane outta here.
Look, we agreed no one was gonna jeopardise anybody-bloody-else, Rick! You go to the airport, get caught, we're all bollocksed! I'll take me chances.
You will, will ya? What about me?! I was the one that got bloody raped for his DNA.
It'd be me that'd be fucked over the most! WELL, THERE'S NOT A LOT I CAN DO ABOUT THAT, IS THERE? I'm gonna get some tools and jemmy it open.
Rick, what's the matter? Yesterday you were all "game on"! That was before we knew it was Serbian mafia.
I've read about them, they're para- militaries left over from the wars.
You piss them off, they cut your FUCKIN' HEAD OFF! Fact! We don't even know if it's true.
Whatever.
What if cop-woman was in bed with them? She took all our addresses yesterday.
Not as if you gave her your real one, though, is it? Did you? Well, didn't you? Oh! Well, I'm not at home that much, anyway.
Cut his hands off.
Alvo.
We takes his hands off before we put him back on the boat.
That way the whole thing looks like a mafia feud.
Both guys were involved, both guys dead Drug deal gone wrong.
Well, at least he's already missing his fucking feet.
Right? Yeah, let's do it.
OK.
It's good, yeah.
Come on, let's go get the fuck out of here.
STOP! Stop will ya?! STOP WHAT?! We'll do it when it's dark.
So nobody can see us.
You can't go screwing this up, Rick.
Panic's over.
I'm OK now.
Not the time to be beering it up though, eh? What's Alvo's birthday? Everyone uses their birthday.
We've got Woody's pin number.
There's something bigger in here than our phones.
I can feel it.
Maybe it's more money.
Oh, good.
Just what we need - more money! If it's Alvo's, we could have it, couldn't we? Then maybe you can pay me back.
What? I said maybe you can pay me back.
What you owe me.
What are you bringing that up for? Well, you obviously weren't gonna.
But if you need it, you just have to say.
I don't NEED it.
Just would've been nice if you'd offered.
Or given me a heads-up that you can't afford to pay it back.
How many times have I sat here, Bax, listening to you bangin' on about how well your business is doing? Not that well.
Or you'd have paid me back.
Wouldn't ya? Fine.
I'll give it you, soon as we get back.
Hey! Forget about it! No, I insist.
You come with me and as soon as we get out, I'll write you a cheque.
I don't need it.
Why the fuck bring it up then?! Just trying to embarrass me? Not trying to embarrass you.
Just wondered why you never mentioned it.
Can't pay it back, don't borrow it.
Take it outta the boot of the car, you can pay him back with interest.
Maybe we should have that money.
It's bent, right? Means it's not traceable.
If we took, what 10 grand each? Who's gonna know? Forty thousand, now it's 3 million.
What difference does it make? And you can pay Ricky's 5 grand bac Who told you it was 5 grand? Thanks for respecting my privacy.
Can you two just leave it?! Isn't it just a tiny bit important, Quinn? Given current circumstances? Don't we need to know who can keep their mouth shut?! We all trust each other.
He's gotta trust us not to tell Nina about him fucking that girl! You can be SUCH an asshole.
It was YOU in her knickers! Like you wouldn't've.
I'm not married, mate! Never played away? No, as it happens! Bollocks.
You accusing me? Know all about me, do you, Rick? Come on, lads.
Leave it.
If he's gonna start throwing accusations, make him back it up.
S'pose we can't all be as perfect as you, can we? Oh, no, I forgot - your partner is at the other end of the country and you don't speak to your kids.
Wonder what that's about.
If you've got something to say to me, Rick, fucking say it! I JUST DID! If you ask me, Alvo was right about you.
Bang on the money.
You fucked up your life.
But you're too conceited to admit it.
What are you gonna do, Quinn? What are you gonna do? Eh? Punch me in the face? How very mid-life crisis of ya.
Now THAT was out of order.
Why don't you just shut up? We could go up the mountain and drop the fucker off.
The safe.
/ I was maybe a little bit wrong to have said some of that.
No, I'm I'm sorry for grabbing you like I did.
And you're right, my life is a wash-out.
A total fucking lemon.
No No, she'll come back.
No, she won't.
We agreed.
Ages ago.
You know, Quinn, sometimes life, it just hits patches.
So who is this girl, then? Amy.
How long have you been together? Oh, not sure if we're together.
Does she know about- Everything.
She's still with you.
Amazing.
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
And the tragedy wasn't separating, the tragedy was staying together as long as we did.
Got your kids though, haven't you? Gorgeous little Vicki.
Becky.
Rebecca.
When you're in love with someone, they tell you there's no greater experience than having a child together.
As soon as you do As soon as you have that kid the love you had for each other is consigned to history.
See, by having a child, man creates his greatest rival.
The person his wife is going to love more than him.
It's one of our last great taboos - wishing you'd never had your kids.
You're just feelin' like that because of all this.
Everything happens for a reason, right? No, it doesn't.
Only morons believe that.
She's got this little boy.
He's great.
Feels like a second chance, you know what I mean? Well, my next life's starting now.
You think that was about Nina? Mm.
Do you think Quinn's still- Oh, yeah.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
Shift of direction.
Get yourself a new bird on the firm.
At my age? Girls don't look at you anymore.
Don't they? Well, unless they're pissed up Northern tarts with a daddy complex.
Oh, come on, Quinn! Hey.
You got your new career.
Yeah.
Now, I'm drowning in a sea of bottle green corduroy and landscaped fucking water features! Well, maybe you just have to make the most of what's left.
I'm not doing it.
You do it.
Do it at the boat.
Why don't you do the hands, you've done it before? That was spontaneous.
This is premeditated.
I'm not savage.
Argh! Ugh! Oh, shit! What?! Sorry! Sorry! Something just ran across my foot, a rat or something.
Jesus! Where is it? Don't worry.
Is that smell what I think it is? Defrosting.
You know the Native Americans believe that the spirits of the dead protect them and watch over them.
Do you think Alvo, maybe, Shit! Don't do this to me! Get your light on him, Bax! Down here! There he is.
Get your torch on it.
There he is.
Who the hell's this? What the fuck's this lot? Just act normal.
Don't look at the body.
Don't look at it.
Just act normal.
Just keep waving.
That was arguably the most surreal thing that's ever happened in my life.
Come on, then, where is he? Torch on him, Bax.
Let's get this done and get out of here.
Oh, it stinks.
ARRRGHHH! Oh, dear! Your turn.
He's got his gear His watch on.
Fuck sake! Chuck him over.
You chuck him over, I'm not touching him again.
Hold on.
There's a foot missing.
We're a foot light! Must've dropping it on the track.
Out of petrol.
What am I gonna tell Amy? What's she gonna think of me now? You can't tell her.
This has to stay between us four.
What's that smell? Oh, I know - hypocrisy.
Like you can keep your mouth shut! You still on about that 5 grand?! No.
About your not being able to keep your yap shut! Fucked if I'm going to prison cos you yapped to some tweenie in a bar! You have a really low opinion of me, Baxter.
Truth? Yes, I fucking do.
Pipe down, you two, fuck's sake! Stickin' up for him, are ya, Woody? Wow, so, bloody hell, you don't mind what he's told all of us what you'd do for money when you were really messed up?! Eh? Smile, big boy! Come on, then! Hey! HEY! Stop it! Fucking stop it! We're supposed to be looking for a FUCKING FOOT! Hold up.
That's the one that nibbled on Alvo.
Careful, he might have rabies.
Moosh! Shoo! It's Spanish? The dog's Spanish.
Ole! Ole! Oi! OK, let's go.
In case it fits and he comes back for the other one.
Hold on, I've only got one bleeding shoe.
You know when you first told me about this, my instinct was to say no.
Do you wanna know why? Not really.
Because bein' round you is such a fucking ordeal, Rick.
You're like that mutt back there - big fucking slobbering dog jumping up all over everyone.
Knocking everyone over, trying to hump everyone's leg.
What's the matter with him? Ach, he's just having a girly sulk.
Come on, Rick.
He didn't mean it! Yeah, I did! He'll be back, when he's hungry.
Wasn't what you think, you know.
That modelling stuff.
What? Oh.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'm sure the pictures were very artistic! You need to get that dressed, mate.
Right, how do we do that, then? By using a bandage.
Thirty-six hours 36 hours and we're gone.
Right.
I'm gonna have something to eat.
Then I'm gonna go to bed.
And if I wake up before it's time to leave, I'll drink myself back to bloody sleep again.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
So you in touch with Nina much? Ah, yeah, single.
Why'd you ask that? Just wondering.
You know what the most popular breakfast cereals in America are? The ones with the highest sugar content.
A country with over 190 million obese people, who believe that eating a breakfast cereal sugar-rich and corn-based is somehow gonna help them stay healthy.
I mean that's gotta be the biggest piece of propaganda ever, hasn't it? And you care about this because? Because it's synonymous with how we all live our lives.
I'm starting to understand why your kids don't talk to you.
Nobody wants to think for themselves any more! Be in control of their own destiny.
Cos it's all too much effort.
Everything we do, everything we watch, that we eat that we interact with, is the result of some form of marketing.
We've sold our entire lives from cradle to grave, and the illusion is we've never had so much choice, but the fact of the matter is we exert none.
What's the alternative, then? The alternative? Maybe we should start doing things for ourselves.
Take control.
Do you know who invented breakfast cereal? The Seventh Day Adventists.
That makes you think, doesn't it? Not really.
You alright? Shit! Manos! Los manos! Hands! Hands up! I'm holding cereal, I can't.
Ssss! Silencio! Would you like me to put it down, or should I hold the bowl up too? Just put it down.
I'm putting it down.
Putting it down here.
El barco.
Donde esta? We don't speak Spanish.
The boat Where is, please? We don't know anything about a boat.
OK.
OK Una vez mas El barco.
Donde esta? El barco.
Donde esta? Fuck! Donde esta THE OTHER MAN?! THERE WAS ONE MORE MAN HERE - WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS? WHERE IS? He's gone home.
Up! Up you! Go! Go.
Go.
Aqui.
Aqui! Why do you keep picking on me? I haven't done anything.
Oh.
Oh! Arriba! Up.
UP! Come on! Fuck fuck To the fucking floor NOW! NOW! Legs together.
Together the legs! OK WHERE IS THE FUCKING BOAT? FOR THE LAST TIME! OK, I'll take you to it.
Don't let go! I've gotcha, I've gotcha! Alright, down, down, down Oi! Stop! Stop! We're civilised people! Leave him! Come on, get up! No reason for us to act like him, is there? Ow, motherfucker! I'll get the gun! Alright Now what are we gonna do We need to find out who he is.
Oi! Who are ya? He don't speak English.
Get one of Alvo's phrasebooks he give us.
Donde Donde esta su trabajo? What does that mean? Trying to say "Who do you work for?" Only got "Where do you work?" Fuck you! He DOES understand English Shoot him.
Shut up! Right, listen to me! Are you police? You policio? Not being funny, but he's not tall enough to be a cop, is he? We need to search him.
Yeah Ready? OK.
Hold him down! He's not very frightened of us, is he? That's why we should shoot him! Hold him down! Hold him down! You dirty little bastard! Right! Do you work for Jesus? Jesus Milic?! Do you work for the Serbian mafia? What's Spanish for Serbian? Serbian! Right, let's waterboard him.
Waterboard him.
We can't throw him in the pool, what we gonna do with him? We can't let him go? We're not gonna kill him.
I could kill him! This could actually work for us.
We've got something of theirs.
A bargaining chip.
Alright, I've got it, I've got it.
We get one of them DV cameras.
Take some footage of him, take it into the police station- Shut the fuck up, or I swear to god! I don't get it, what do you mean? Gimme that gun! OK, OK, OK It's poker, man.
We're seeing them and raising them.
One safe passage off the island, for one tiny Blair.
Assuming the police are in on it.
Of course the police are in on it! He was saying he was police when he shot Alvo.
Well, that's why we should go to the police.
I'm in.
I'm in.
Three to one, Quinn.
Give him some of your water.
Make us look humanitarian and stuff Woody, you got it on? Turn it on.
On.
OK.
See, we are nice to you, yes? No violencia.
See? Nice nice Armani.
From their Junior Collection.
Right, you little shit, anything you wanna say to your colleagues? Lil' fucker! Hey, hey! Un mensaje.
Fuck you.
What can you do? Try and make friends on holiday See? We mean no harm.
No No! No voy a matar.
No voy a matar.
Hijo de puta! Ruff, ruff, ruff! What if two go? No, three go, one stays.
No, no, no - one stays, three go.
I dunno, what do you think? I say two go in and ask to speak to the top man.
Wait.
Just wait a minute What if, for argument's sake, this has nothing to do with the police? We'd be putting ourselves in the frame for murder, drug dealing and now kidnapping.
Yeah, but we're innocent.
What, and innocent people never go to prison? What's he got us into? And even if the police were involved we'd only be provoking them, wouldn't we? Be like poking a snake with a blunt stick.
Nah, we're showing them we can't be messed with pokin' a snake with- Say it, Rick - I'm a teacher, you're an accountant! Financial consultant.
He sells vases.
We're not bloody gangsters, here.
Hey, look out.
Can't tell me that's a coincidence.
She's watching us.
No way.
It's obvious they're watching us.
If we leave the money in the villa for them to find after we've gone, nobody can touch us.
But how do we get the money back to the villa? One of us takes a cab to the airport to pick up the hire car.
What if she follows us? Someone else has to bring it to the villa.
Miramar Hotel.
Can we find that? Right, why don't you all just wait at the bar? Behave yourself.
Hola.
Didn't realise this was going to turn into something more longterm.
You know how it is - holiday romances.
Never know how they'll pan out.
What happened to your eye? Bit of an argument with a shovel.
Bit old to be gettin' in tear-ups, aren't you? Yeah.
You should see the shovel.
So, want to come up to me room then? Gesticulating a lot.
Is that good or bad? Bad.
Or good.
Probably bad.
What's he doing? Don't think he'll do a runner with her, do you? Did he say something.
No.
You don't think he's gone up for a quick- No, no.
He wouldn't dare.
So what are we gonna do about our Spanish Oompa-Loompa? Suppose we'll just set him free when we leave.
Let him run wild across the Sierras.
They say you shouldn't make any big changes or starts any new projects in the first two years of sobriety.
Moving house ending relationships Don't deal drugs.
Or kidnap a midget.
Can you say midget? Is that PC? Or is it dwarf? He's down a well, Quinn.
Say what you want.
Munchkin.
Sorted.
What did you say? Charmed her, mate.
Seriously, what did you say? Offered her 5,000 euros.
You what? She'll be all suspicious.
She'll know something's up.
Well, she's not stupid, is she? I think she's aware something's up! Had to make it worth her while.
Don't worry about it! Said I'd double it if she didn't ask any questions.
Listen, everyone has their price.
Hey.
Large vodka.
Please.
Two.
You stoppin' here for a drink with her? No.
No, they're both for me.
You know it's funny, innit, but everybody suddenly appears to be a bit suspicious.
If either of 'em starts looking Serbian.
Well, if anyone tries anything What the bloody hell you doing? Brilliant.
He's giving wads of cash to people we don't know, and you think you're the Baxinator! 25 euros, please.
Don't look at me, I haven't got any cash on me.
I've got some change.
I've got it.
Oh.
I cannot change this.
I don't have this kind of money.
Crazy! Only drug dealers have 500 euro notes.
Are you drug dealers? Give us a minute, mate.
How many more of those did you take? Just one.
It's a souvenir, innit? Got three.
Greedy bastard! It fell on the deck.
What am I gonna do? Know how many I got on me? None! Do you know why? Cos I don't wanna go to fucking prison! Are you nuts? You know how to use that, do you? Oh, you do, do you?! Well, you don't hold it like that! Like what? Close to you.
Alright.
Whoah-oh! Now what you doin'?! Fuckin' hell, you hold it then! I don't wan' it! Hey! I'll hold it! You're not holding it.
Why? You'd shoot my nose off or something Hey, I saved your life today! Fuckin' hell - wondered how long it'd be before you brought that up.
Shall I put it in the fuckin' IOU with the five grand?! Gimme the gun.
No.
Gimme the fuckin' gun! It's mine.
Hey.
Don't you think we should check on our guest? FUCK! HE'S IN HERE! HE'S IN HERE! HE'S IN HERE! Ugh.
What's that in his mouth? Fingers.
Got his fingers in his mouth.
More Serbians arrive to the island.
Maybe you only have one hour.
We're under attack.
What? Get down, Baxter - NOW! If we don't do something, we're all gonna die.
This is all basically your fault, y'know! How'd you work that out? I'd rather take me chances with Serbian mafia than you lot.
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