Magical Girl Friendship Squad (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

My Fated Guardians

Go, go, go, go! ♪
[man gasps, wheezes]
[subway bell dings]
[man coughs]
Dude, you're blocking
the stairs.
- Welcome to Brooklyn, buddy.
- Tourists.
[hip-hop playing]
[siren wailing]
Man, it's bullshit
that they laid you off.
Your food craze ideas
Culinary experience
creation innovations.
were incredible.
Unicorn hot dogs absolutely
should have been
- the next mermaid bagel.
- Thanks, but it's fine.
Working in that office
all day, every day
was draining the life out of me.
Well, now you can finally reject
the outdated notion
of job monogamy.
Like for me, before that
off-brand snack company fired me
for tweeting
that the green M&M could get it,
they wouldn't let me do more
than 20 hours a week
on their social.
'Cause that's when they legally
have to give you benefits?
so I just picked up extra work
doing audio editing
for that podcast
where three white dudes
review airport bathrooms
until they also fired me
for tweeting
that Amelia Earhart
could get it.
[sighs] I'd be fine
with one job to start.
Lulu is gonna kill us
if we're late on rent again.
Oh, we'll get jobs.
The next big thing is
just around the corner.
And, Alex, can I just say,
Lulu can try me.
I watched John Wick 2
last night, and I'm fired up.
Ha! Kick, kick, kick, kick,
kick, kick. Chun-Li.
Ooh, I love that movie!
Daisy, Daisy, look. I once
killed three men in a bar.
With a pencil.
You come after my dog,
I'll kill you.
[both laughing]
Anyway, I don't even need
a job in programming.
Just something simple that
doesn't have an awful commute.
Something that's
in the neighborhood.
- Come on.
- [door bells jingle]
Alex and Daisy.
I found my guardians.
CORVIN: That energy spike could only
mean one thing
the Creator has taken form
in this world.
Ah. I wish my passion
for spying on strangers
from behind trash cans
could pay the bills.
Oh, well. Back to being
a corporate attorney, I guess.
Zab-a-dee-da, I'm gonna go
rip people off. ♪
Alex, this is amazing.
If you work here, you can
give me so much free coffee.
Plus, I'd finally have a reason
to talk to coffee dude.
What do you think
he's always studying?
Probably, like, how
to be an artisanal beekeeper.
Snore. You literally only like
him because he's a blank slate
you can project
your fantasies on.
I know.
But remember the time
he smiled at me?

Aw [sneezes]
- Hmm.
- Hey, Michaela.
Isn't it weird for you
to come here all the time
when you've, you know,
ground beans
with all the baristas?
You're such a mom.
It's whatever.
Oh, yeah. No-tattoo barista
is working today.
That's why she couldn't
sleep over last night.
- Do you even know her name?
- You don't know his name.
Hey you.
We peeped that "help wanted"
sign in the window.
I'm very qualified.
I just left a job at a culinary
experience formation start-up,
so I've worked with stuff
just like CBD lattes.
- Ew. No offense.
- Ha, ha.
Do you have barista experience?
- Not specifically, but
- Sorry.
Baristas have to be certified,
and to get certification,
you need at least three years
of barista experience.
But then, how does anyone become
a barista to begin with?
No, no.
One must be born a barista.
The Creator is here on Earth
in the form of some kind
of small mammal.
The energy levels around her
are astronomical.
Do I have your permission
to collect
after she leaves the scene?
I have an idea that should reap
very powerful results.
Ooh, vegan muffins.
Sorry. Not you.
- [buzzer sounds]
- Well, well, well.
The millennial freeloaders
of 2B.
Might I ask where the rent is,
or did you eat it
with your avocado toast?
Uh, the first isn't
till tomorrow, right?
Yeah, so you better hop off
our dicks, Lulu!
Whoa, there. I think
what Daisy means is,
we will definitely have
the rent on time.
- We respect you.
- Good.
Because if it's late again,
I'm slapping an eviction notice
on your door
as soon as I get my son
over here to fix my printer!
- [sighs]
- [clears throat] Daisy?
Why is there a raccoon
on our couch?
I am not a raccoon.
I have taken the form
of a red panda.
My species is endangered,
much like your world.
- Alex?
- Yup, yup, I hear it.
Talking raccoon on our couch.
Alex, Daisy, I've come to you
with an important mission.
Did you microdose me
without telling me again?
What's the phone number
for animal control?
Put your fingers inside me,
and all shall be revealed.
Aah! What's happening?
The butt is sucking us in!
I created this universe
and everything in it.
It is one of many universes
created by myself
and other beings like me.
But some beings are driven
by destruction,
rather than creation.
They seek
to destroy this universe
by using its own power
against it.
Aah! Hold on.
The Internet's out.
Oh, are you on the
"Alex and Daisy,
please stop stealing our Wi-Fi
or we'll lock it" network?
You'll never believe this.
- They locked it!
- [clears throat]
These evil forces have been
amassing your universe's energy
for some time,
particularly from this planet,
its largest source of life.
Try 3C's Wi-Fi.
So I suppose
you don't want to hear
about the special powers
I can grant you?
Powers? Fuck yeah.
Ooh, what kind of powers? Can
we wish for a million dollars?
- No.
- Oh. What's your name, creepy panda?
I have chosen
the Earth name "Isis"
after the ancient Earth goddess.
- Ooh, do not love that.
- Name's no good anymore.
Fine. You may call me
by my native name,
- Nut, mother of Isis.
- DAISY: Nope.
No Isis. Forget about Isis.
Now, each of you must choose
the object
that will activate your powers.
You must carry this object
with you at all times.
Fine. I'll pick
my birth control.
It'll remind me to take it.
Obviously choosing Bong Selleck.
- Not practical.
- You, Alex and Daisy,
are my fated guardians.
It is now your duty
to protect the entire universe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't say
anything about duty.
We can't protect the universe.
We can barely take care
of ourselves.
I used a W-2 as a pad last week.
But you are warriors.
You said you killed three men
with a pencil.
What? Can't you get
someone else to do it,
or, like, do it yourself?
You're a god who can give
PowerPoints out of your butt,
so, should be pretty easy
for you.
In your world, I am merely
a helpless red panda,
with limited access
to my own powers.
This is your destiny
and yours alone.
And if you don't fulfill that
destiny, then your universe,
and everything in it,
everyone you have ever loved,
will die.
- That it?
- [laughs] Did you think that was news?
That shit's, like,
definitely happening anyway.
Does she not know
about climate change?
You know what?
Let's just call animal control
from the coffee shop.
[sighs] I guess I cleaned
my butthole for nothing.
The vibe in here
feels different.
Hey, did you mix up the decaf
and regular or something?
Why is everyone so so
[maniacal laughter]
- Oh, shit.
- Wait, you got possessed
by a disgusting monster after we
were doing it yesterday, right?
They're just relaxed.
I slipped them a little extra
CBD in their lattes.
Or maybe a lot extra.
Who needs all that pesky energy?
Once I finish collecting
their energy
in this crystal, my boss
will be one step further along
in his sinister plan.
- Why is she telling us this?
- I don't know.
Seems really unnecessary.
Say night-night
to your fellow freelancers,
because when this crystal
leaves your universe
They'll die.
I tried to tell you.
When you said everyone
would die,
we didn't think you meant,
like, real people.
- Like, now.
- Can't you do something?
To reiterate, I am a panda.
- Oh, boy.
- We're really doing this.

Nope. No way. Definitely not.
We look like we're playing
figure skaters in a porno.
- Who designed these?
- I thought they were quite stylish.
I'm-a just put on a jacket
real quick.
I'm kind of chilly, too.
Let's do this.
Go, go ♪
Hey, buddy. Why so steamed?
Cold milk?
[grunts] How's that for
certified barista experience?
Hey, would you watch
my laptop for a second?
Oh, yeah, I got you.
You know, CBD has been shown
to do wonders
for cellular regeneration.
Your pathetic attempts
won't stop me.
Girls, use your magical objects.
- [whispers indistinctly]
- We have to say what?
Ugh, fine.
Bong Selleck Blood Force!
- Whoa.
- Shit. What was my thing again?
- [whispers]
- Birth Control Humor Time!
[rock music playing]
Oh, God. I think
I just got my period.

- [grunts]
- [shouts]

Give me whatever you got ♪
- [cheering, applause]
- Hey, whoa. What a hero.
- Nice lats, dude.
- Take my bra.
What the hell?
How did he just get
the credit for that?
Is this thing gonna disappear?
Corpse disposal is not included.
- Seriously?
- Uh
We just chopped up a dead body.
Don't think about it.
Bury it deep inside.
- LULU: Hey, millennials!
- Oh, fuck. The rent!
Uh, follow my lead.
Do you have my rent yet
or did you TikTok a picture
of your rent
and then Instagram it on Skype
and then put it on Facebook
- in between Twitter and, uh
- About that.
We were just sitting here,
normally, on the couch,
not doing anything
and being totally normal,
and our garbage disposal
got all backed up.
Yeah. Obviously,
we can't pay rent
until the plumbing issues
are fixed.
- You understand.
- We'd hate to have to call 311
and report negligence.
[mutters]: I swear to God,
if I was your mother
Boom, baby. John Wick 3?
Ugh. It smells in here.
Like, those weird
microwave vegan patties.
If you would just try them once,
you would know that
they're actually delicious.
That reminds me.
I have a very specific
bamboo-based diet
I'll need you to procure.
I will provide you
with a list of ingredients
- that can be purchased at your local nursery.
- [laughs]
- Definitely not doing that.
- With what money?
Are you gonna be chipping in
on utilities, by the way?
Yeah, that kitty litter
you made us buy for you
- was mad expensive.
- Sacrifices must be made
to protect the universe.
- DAISY: Bullshit. You want to talk about sacrifice?
- [overlapping chatter]
What happens if Bong Selleck
gets a crack in it?
What are we gonna do then?
Are you gonna get me
another Bong Selleck?
And by the way, can I even
still smoke out of Bong Selleck?
Have you ruined Bong Selleck
for me?
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