Magical Girl Friendship Squad (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

The Cool S


It's too early for panda claws.
Could you trim those, Nut?
I've been up for several hours
doing reconnaissance.
I was able to pull security
footage from the incident,
and this customer
stood out to me.
Hair that slick
can only be achieved
through nefarious means.
We're super excited
about our new powers
and everything,
but we're not, like,
"wake up at 7:00 in the morning
for a covert mission" excited.
We've got stuff to do.
What could possibly be
more important
than hunting down
the only person
that could lead us
to the greatest force of evil
- in the
- DAISY: Um, it's called
- the grind, Nut. Ever heard of it?
- [sighs]
I can't even start applying
to programming jobs
until I make my vision board.
And I really should make
a mood board
to set the tone
for my vision board.
It was you ♪
You ♪
No. Alex.
You know I need
Carla St. Beverly's
easy listening smooth jazz jams
to focus.
Then take it
into your own room, Mom.
I have foot pics
and forged
celebrity paraphernalia
- to sell.
- "Forged"?
Who's to say these aren't
Ariana's Band-Aids?
Who among us can claim
Kylie did not get
a stress-induced nosebleed
on these tissues
after hearing the new Kanye?
Doobity, doobity ♪
Doo, goo-goo, gaga ♪
Uh, a little privacy, Nut?
I can't sell pictures
of my five-star wikiFeet
- with you in the background.
- [sighs] Very well.
I will begin the mission myself.
Sounds good. Have fun, Nut.
Can you bring me back a bagel?
Timothée, give me strength.
My usual. And I want horse milk,
not goat milk.
H-Here, Corvin.
[slurps, coughs]
You call that horse milk?!
[crying]: I tell you every day
that's not a thing, but
Whoa, Pokémon Go
has gotten really fucking good.
One sale away.
And that's rent!
Thank you, female odor.
What? Really?
You made rent
in the last three hours?
[clears throat]:
Oh. Um, no. Misunderstanding.
You spent it on something
already, didn't you?
What did we say
about perverted purchases
over $100?
But I need it
to get into the right headspace
to write my fan fiction
about Scully
hooking up
with a girl alien named Daisy.
Besides, I'll make it back.
You can sell stuff on Star Junk
for ten times what it's worth.
And if you help,
we could work twice as fast.
[wind whistles]
- [sighs] Move over.
- Hell, yeah!
These sites are so sinister.
- Why do people want this shit?
- [sighs]
I wish we lived near
some quality celebrity trash.
Like, where do all the celebrity
baby teeth go? Where?
- Celebrity baby teeth!
- [gasps]
Dude, we have magic.
Tom Selleck bong.
Saliva swap
with Kristen Stewart.
Birth control.
Something for the boomers.
Tessa Thompson used flossers.
Idris Elba grocery list.
Chalamet thong.
Rihanna's bidet!
Damn, Star Junk.
That's rent, utilities,
and I can finally pay you back
for the money
you lent me last year
that I didn't tell you about
till now.
Man, I wish we could keep
the Rihanna bidet.
What about it?
That's where
the man I saw works.
There's something
going on there.
I'm not surprised.
Aggregon owns everything.
I think
they even own Star Junk now.
What? You know about them?
Tell me everything.
Tell you what.
Your cute little panda face
in the background of one photo
got more profile views
than that time
Cardi B followed me
and I posted a screencap of it
and then I realized it was
just a Cardi B fan account
and had to apologize to everyone
for the false alarm.
I fail to see
how this is relevant.
You let me take
more pictures of you
for my Star Junk's
Instagram page,
and I'll tell you
about Aggregon.
Deal. [sighs]
But I feel objectified.
Welcome to womanhood on Earth.
I'll catch up with you guys
once all this inventory
gets picked up.
Tom Selleck bong.
Tiny panda cowboy hat.
Scooby, dooby, doo ♪
I knew, I knew it was you ♪
Oh, shooby, dooby,
dooby, doo. ♪
[knock on door]
Uh, you-you guys didn't hear
any singing out there, right?
Uh, no. We're here
for a Star Junk pickup.
One baggie of Miley Cyrus
toenail clippings,
as promised.
Uh, was there something else?
So, you know Nut?
You know Nut?
She's the panda from
your Star Junk account, right?
- We're big fans.
- That's so cool.
Yeah, I am cool.
Me and Carla St. Beverly.
I'm Alex.
- WOMAN: That's Pussluvr.
- Sup.
- WOMAN: Neptunia99.
- Sup.
And I'm Nightscreamr.
ALEX: Cool.
What is this for?
Well, I'm post them on Insta
and maybe TikTok,
but only to drive traffic
to my Star Junk.
Ten of these a week, and we'll
never worry about rent again.
Tell me about Aggregon.
Ugh, sheesh, okay.
Well, I mean,
they own everything,
so, obviously,
bad labor practices.
Ooh, give me egirl.
They stream stuff.
I hear that they're doing this
thing called gamifying feelings.
Give me Insta baddie.
So, world domination.
I mean, don't be dramatic.
Capitalism world domination.
So world domination.
Put on the baseball cap.
You know, you guys
should talk to my roommate.
She says the stuff I like
is "mom stuff."
Can you even believe
[gasps] Hey.
Nut uses that same "S"
on her bed.
- Weird.
- Ah. You don't say.
Do you, uh, want to go meet her?
ALL: Yes!
Nut, some of your Insta stans
have the goofiest names.
"Pussluvr," "Nutmunchr,"
- This is
- Did you say "Nut's World"?
Yeah. Does that mean something?
- Uh, hello, guys.
- Sup?
- [all panting]
- Oh, my God.
Nut, is it really you?
- Oh, my God.
- [all scream]
- What the fuck is this?
- Wait it out.
- [horns honking]
- They'll hit a frequency adults cannot hear.
[screaming inaudible]
How do these cool teenagers
know who you are, Nut?
- You're not cool.
- And that's really cold,
coming from Carla St. Beverly's
number one fan.
- Promise not to laugh?
- BOTH: [chuckle] No.
NUT: Your universe is not
the only one I have created.
My very first was
long, long ago.
I was young.
Perhaps a bit insecure.
It is called Nut's World.
And the S is the cool S.
That was very important to me
at the time.
That's what that
stupid tattoo is.
If this was so long ago,
why do they all look like
- they're from the '90s?
- Fashion is cyclical, Alex.
No, yeah. I knew that. I'm cool.
Like their young creator,
the people of Nut's World
were emotional.
They were deeply attached to me
and perceived my leaving
their world as abandonment.
My greatest mistake
was in giving them the power
to travel through universes.
They warned me
that they'd plant scouts
in every world they could
until they found me.
But they might also legitimately
think I'm cool, right?
It's wonderful to see you again,
my creations.
Perhaps we can take
a few pictures.
50 bucks apiece.
No, Mommy.
You're coming home with us
to step on our necks
forever and ever.
Is Nut their mom, or are they,
like, into her sexually?
Both. I get it.
It's exactly how I feel
about Gillian Anderson.
- Silence.
- [both grunting]
We shall decide your fate
as all decisions
on Nut's World are made
- truth or dare.
- Ooh! Pick dare.
Nut, pick truth.
What makes these two
better than us?
I love all my creations.
Alex and Daisy's universe
simply needs
my presence more right now.
If you don't come
to Nut's World, Queen,
Nut's World comes to you.
ALL [chanting]:
Nut! Nut! Nut!
[Daisy grunting]
I can't reach my bong.
Denizens of Nut's World,
our queen must be convinced
to return to us.
Let us show her our devotion
with the Infinite Grind Line.
- [dance music playing]
- Grind, my beauties.
Grind for our queen.
This is not necessary.
Please, we can discuss
a future visit.
This is super fucked up, Alex.
- What do we do?
- I don't know.
I can't think
with this garbage music playing.
I need my Carla St. Beverly.
It was you ♪
Wait, it's working.
Your boring mom stuff
is killing their vibe.
- Keep going.
- Uh, I wish I could
light a seasonal Yankee Candle.
Ew. Pumpkin Spice? Gag.
I miss my vision board!
Oh, no, no, no.
- New outfits this time?
- Oh, yeah.

Time to fight horny with horny.
Bong Selleck Mustache Pride!
Tell you truth,
you cannot choose ♪
I don't know
who this Selleck guy is,
but his mustache is sexy.
Birth Control Regulated Cycle.
- How do we finish them off?
- I don't know.
We've only had magical powers
for, like, three days.
Wait. Don't hurt them.
It's not their fault
for being chaotic horny.
I made them this way.
Well, how are we supposed
to keep them
from trying to godnap you again?
I have an idea.
Bong Selleck Cloud Compute!
- What is this?
- It's called fan fiction.
Read it, write it, live it.
We promise it's a great outlet
for all the feelings and, um,
urges you have inside.
Ooh, and look up my series.
It's called The XXX-Files.
You'll dig it.
I still love you all.
I will return to Nut's World.
If you use the gift
of fan fiction responsibly.
Oh, my God,
Nut touched Nightscreamr.
Nut touched Nutscreamr!
Stay away.
I'm never washing again.
[all screaming]
So perfect Nut had
a weird, horny teen phase
just like the rest of us.
- I have never been happier.
- MAN: Hey!
Star Junker.
This can't be Shailene
Woodley's bathwater
because I just read
that she doesn't bathe!
[sighs] Maybe I'll get out
of the celebrity worship game
- for a while.
- I think that would be best.
Dooby, dooby, doo ♪
Goo-goo, gaga ♪
Good night,
this is Carla St. Beverly
Live from the Target
on La Cienega.
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