Magical Girl Friendship Squad (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

Parent Crap

Go, go, go, go! ♪
WOMAN [on video]: Cassandra when
your mother calls you a dumb slut,
she is reclaiming
the term, okay?
Alex! Your interview is
in one hour.
- Why are you not prepared?
- I'm going, I'm going.
It was the reunion finale.
Planting you at Aggregon
as a mole
is our best chance
to stop their plot
to destroy the universe.
My only plot for
destroying the universe
is this ass.
What could have distracted you
from such an important mission?
- Reality television?
- Hell yes.
Other people being
messy disasters
makes me feel okay that this is
the only blazer I own.
[gasping]: Give me that,
give me all of this.
It all has to be gone
before my parents come
for the Agony Solstice.
What is the Agony Solstice?
Only the biggest holiday
in their cult, or
highly specific religion:
The Church of the Savior's
Unthinkable Torment.
It is a shame that you are
a grown woman
who has to hide who she is.
- Oh, so you're really a talking red panda
- [vibrator humming]
not a god who needs
the help of two idiots
- to keep your own universe from being destroyed?
- Touché.
I'm out of here, too.
Hey, feel free to keep watching.
You might dig it.
Thank you, but I doubt that.

They're housewives,
but they're real?
HOUSEWIFE [on video, slurring]: You're
saying th-that I have a drinking problem?
- [laughs drunkenly]
- Oh, this is horrible!
- [glass shatters]
- Little help. [hiccups]
I love it.
And our latest experiment
down on floor -44
is going perfectly.
Please do let me know
when you've decided to finish
wasting my time.
Hear you loud and clear.
Status report complete.
So, do you have any feedback,
or should we be bad
and go out for martinis?
Get out.
Uh-uh, absolutely.
Of course.
Hmm, you're here
for the job interview.
Well, it's an entry-level
content creator position.
Do you have any experience
creating content?
I have a Twitter,
and on good days
I get maybe 12 to 17 likes.
Hmm. You're hired.
- That's it?
- There's openings in the department,
thanks to an exciting new
initiative of mine.
- Now sign this.
- Oh, my God. Awesome.
Oh, shoot, I forgot.
There's room for salary
negotiations, right?
Oh, too late.
You already signed.
But let's circle back
in a year. Okay?
This is the Data Mining
There's the Sweatshop
Liaison office.
And that's
the Panic/Breast Feeding room.
Oh, um, hey, what does
this company do, exactly?
A little bit of streaming,
a little bit of shipping,
a little bit of resource
exploitation; the usual.
Right now, though,
we're really focused
on "alternative energy sources."
Like light bulbs?
Like humans.
[chuckles]: Yeah.
Welcome to Outrage.
You'll start by
brainstorming chum.
You know, the nonsense links
at the bottom of our websites
that lead to our other,
shittier websites.
Like realcontent.crap?
It's fun to see what
Patrick Swayze's son
- looks like now.
- Right.
But these days we lead
solely with outrage.
More rage, more clicks.
Have you ever written
outrage content before?
No, but I'm a black
millennial woman
with 85K in student loan debt,
- so I'm sure I can figure it out.
- Inspiring.
I'm late for a fish egg facial,
so watch and learn to start.
Ronald Reagan said what?
Has the ♪MeToo movement
gone too far?
I'll say it.
Mitch McConnell turns me on.
Oh, that's good.
What else you got?
Climate change isn't real,
but it does cause autism.
- Wow. - Genius.
- Really good.
How are you so good at this?
- [knock on door]
- Aah!
Ah, a miserable Agony Solstice
to you.
Yes, yes, and a, uh
a miserable Agony Solstice
to you, too.
I expect you've been complying
with the traditional
three days of sleep deprivation,
lack of water
and wearing shoes
two sizes too small.
Oh, yeah.
My feet are throbbing.
It is very festive.
You look well, daughter.
- Not nearly dehydrated enough.
- Oh, parent,
stop worrying about me.
We just want you to be unhappy.
Now, let's have
a quick meal of salty foods
before heading out
for recruitment,
shriek caroling,
- and your favorite, shame circles.
- I'll find something.
You sit on your
discomfort pillows,
and tell me again
what the sacred scrolls say
about the Rapture.
The Lord of Unspeakable Torment
will reward
the most faithfully miserable
by bringing us
to a dark place.
A pleasant feeling
of meaninglessness will follow,
then the bugs.
I found a granola bar
we can all split.
Dad? Uh, uh, parent?
NUT: Daisy, did you
know 90-Day Fiancée
has six spinoffs?
Who was that?!
That was my human roommate.
Very sinful,
but for sure human,
and not at all magical.
Excuse me.
Nut, what are you doing?
Watching trash TV.
I understand now.
It makes me feel bad
about humanity,
which makes me feel good.
Oh, my God, it is incredible.
Are you on season two
of Vanderpump Rules yet?
Wait. No.
I don't have time for this.
Just keep it down, please.
What is this cold rectangle?
The McConnell article is getting
massive engagement,
but we need more outrage.
Tammy, give me an article
on how reverse racism
is the real racism.
Brad, make a list of actors
who've publicly supported
Woody Allen,
and fantasy-cast them
in a Harry Potter reboot.
And, Patty, what can we blame
millennials for killing?
- Uh, Pier 1 Imports?
- Perfect.
We'll never own homes
to furnish.
After R.I.Pier 1,
take this data
on people's porn habits,
and let's see if
we can match it
to what topics will
make them angriest.
Go team!
Drinks later, Alex?
- Uh, you know it.
- [imitates gunfire]
Do you guys ever feel bad
about devoting your life
to making people angry?
Sure, but I have a family
of three large sons to support.
You think I could
go back to freelancing?!
Plus, free Wi-Fi.
And we have so many perks here.
Like triple-ply toilet paper?
You haven't seen
the perks yet?!

[dog barking]
I love it here!
Hey, that's my department.
- Ooh, maybe there's a pool down there.
- [panel chirps]
Is this some kind of spa?
Sorry to bother,
but can I sign up
for one of these tube facials?
McConnell, hot, damn it.
Looks like a turtle.
What the hell?
How could you use this sinful
instrument of pleasure?
I know you're disappointed,
but I only have the computer
for worship.
This thing called the Internet
makes it way easier
to suffer. Look.
"Legalize Emotional
Support Heroine"?
That's ridiculous.
See? You're miserable already.
I don't know who
this Mitch McConnell is,
but he is not hot.
[cries out]
- Parent? Where'd she
- Certainly not.
He looks like a-a wrinkly old turtle.
[machinery humming]
- Daisy?
- Ow.
I think my computer sucked
my parents and me
into a bank tube?
What were you doing the second
before you got dropped here?
Well, they were both clicking on
some stupid article
about Mitch McConnell being hot.
I just grabbed on.
God, who writes that shit?
Okay, sometimes jobs like this
are a stepping stone to Uh!
Ah, Nuts.
Are you here to help us?
No. I just clicked an article
about how Ronnie and Sammi
from Jersey Shore
are not still together.
Well, I hope you enjoyed it
because I think
Aggregon is using click bait
to kidnap people.
The alternative energy source
Corvin mentioned
must be human outrage.
We should go before anyone
from Aggregon sees us.
I can't just leave
my parents.
What happens if
their outrage runs out?
ALEX: I don't know.
But our best chance
of stopping it
is through those tubes.
Come on.
I chase 'round out there ♪
I chase you down
until you're dead ♪
But just follow the road ♪
You're gonna see
how low I can go ♪
Birth control!
Full penetration!
- That'll buy us some time.
- Remember,
if the tubes are scanning
and capturing human outrage,
you cannot get upset in there.
Indica blast!

I wish I could go, too.
If only I were not a
helpless panda.
Darn my luck.
- I chase you 'round out there ♪
- [alarm blaring]
Oh, I do not think so!
Until you're dead ♪
Oh, I can't get a third strike
for spa treatments
during work hours.
You're gonna see
how low I can go ♪

I can't get fired
over a tweet.
Obviously, it was just a joke.
Stay chill.
Women can be funny.
Stay chill.
Hot dogs cannot be sandwiches.
- The fuck you say?
- Daisy, cut it out.
Hot dogs are bread and meat!
Are you really trying
to tell me that
that's not a fucking sandwich,
you Libertarian pig?!
Birth Control IUD Force!
Whoa, take a lead ♪
[robotic voice] Want a bigger penis?
Enhancement is possible.
It worked for me.
Oh, God, that's what happens
when someone's outrage
runs out.
Aggregon turns them into bots.
Do something!
I chase you down
until you're dead ♪
But just follow the road ♪
What would Sydney Bristow do?
- You're gonna see how low I can go ♪
- [cries out]
Oh, my sculpted glutes!
We must be getting close
to the command center.
It's right up
Damn! The bots put up
a firewall.
[shudders]: Placebo,
let there be blood.
[loud rumbling]
Wow, that's the first time
my period has ever helped me.
My God, they're been drained
of outrage.
How did this happen do fast?
It was their first time
using the Internet.
Of course they blew their loads.
What do we do?
I need to find a way to stop
the outrage flow temporarily
- so I can activate my new code.
- On it.
Ah, super absorbency!
Whoa, whoa-oh ♪
That works. Okay.
I put in a patch that will stop
any new people
from getting body snatched.
Now let's unplug your parents
before they become bots.
You're all free.
Just pull the cables
from your eyes
before you get turned
into bots forever.
I could be a bot forever?
Steady employment?
Wait, you want to be
turned into bots?
I have a family to support.
I can't go back
to free living.
Plus, free Wi-Fi.
Well, not you guys. Sorry.
Daughter, what happened?
Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry
I showed you the Internet
and it brought you into
Well, it doesn't matter.
But I saved you.
We were about to get Raptured,
and you stopped it?!
It was all as the scrolls
We were one plague of bugs away
from finally meeting
the Lord of Unspeakable Torment.
You don't deserve
to shriek carol.
We're going back to Michigan!
Let 'em go.
Let's just find Nut.
[Nut whimpering]
Trixie Mattel,
sashay away.
- At least we're all miserable.
- Hmm?
Stop, intruder!
I will get
to the bottom of this.
I'm just gonna have to
breathe for a while first.
I'm glad they're okay,
but it kind of sucks that
my parents would rather be bots
than get to know the real me.
Daisy, we each have the power
to choose our own families.
I know that because of you.
- You do?
- Vanderpump Rules, season two.
Who wants some free snacks?
Lord of Unspeakable Torment,
bless us, every one.
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