Magical Girl Friendship Squad (2020) s01e04 Episode Script


Go, go, go, go! ♪
I'm not a man,
not a man of tradition ♪
I just want to get pissed here
in my kitchen ♪
I'm not a loser, no ♪
It's crazy that we haven't
defeated this thing yet,
considering how many succulents
I've killed by accident.
This succ' just sucks
extra hard.
Tom Selleck Bong
Tank Hydro Blast!
She's not a loser ♪
Ouch. That hurt,
you drought-resistant prick.
[moans softly]
Okay, class.
Let's, uh, come out
of the deep meditation
that I definitely
led you into on purpose.
I see you did not
make it out unscathed.
Yeah. I guess the thing
broke skin.
A laceration like that
from an otherworldly monster
is vulnerable
to otherworldly infections.
Eh, don't sweat it.
I'll just take
one of my patented
hotbox showers.
They heal all wounds.
I have seen your shower, and
it is a not a place of healing.
Oh, someone's fancy.
Let me guess,
you also think it's gross
that I stick my finger
in my belly button
- because I secretly love the smell.
- Ugh.
- You do that?
- No.
Sup, slut?
What? Hello?
Nut was right.
This shower might as well
be caked in pure shit.
You filthy little piglet slut.
- Oink.
- [grunts, shouts]
Oh, crap.
Quick, create a diversion
by throwing me down the stairs.
ALEX: Hey, Lou-Lou.
How's my favorite tenant?
Oh, I'm at a ten
out of ten ant.
Good one, Alex.
See you at Mahjong later?
You know it, Lou-Lou girl.
I have never once seen
Lou-Lou laugh.
Is she about to evict us?
[gasps] Or kill us?
- Or evict us and then kill us?
- No.
She's just not pissed for once.
I've been making so much money
at Aggregon,
I paid our rent and Internet
through next month.
You what?
I am going after life
so hard right now.
I might even talk
to Coffee Dude today.
- [door bell tinkles]
- You what?
- Coffee Dude.
- Coffee Lady.
What's up?
Working hard or hardly working?
Working pretty hard.
- I just started a gig at Aggregon, actually.
- Wow.
You got an Aggregig? Congrats.
Alex is riding this numbskull's
limp dick so hard
it's coming out of her nose.
She can't wait to wife him up
and move out of your crusty
skid mark of an apartment.
Did anybody hear that?
- Did someone just say something?
- I said,
- "What have you been up to?"
- I, uh, you know.
- Same old same.
- Wow, you're a fucking loser.
Hey, screw you, man.
You're a loser.
- Whoa Sorry, I-I d
- Whoa, girl. Chill.
- What the hell, dude?
- [panting]
It's these magical mushroom
They're talking to me.
Dais, I know you're not
working right now,
but don't you think
it's a little early
in the day for shrooming?
Not those kinds
of magic mushrooms.
I'm not on drugs, Alex.
I'm sick.
Okay, geez.
Then go to the doctor.
You know I don't have
health insurance.
I mean, I would be
included on yours
if you hadn't selfishly
refused to marry me.
Uh, she's joking.
I am extremely unmarried.
Never been married.
Which is wild,
because I'd make
an amazing wife.
Just go to the urgent care
where your ex works.
Do you want
to hang out later sometime?
Not "sometime." Later?
Sure. That'd be cool.
- [exhales]
- [grumbles]
I was so happy to hear from you.
Anything you need, anytime.
Even if it's 3:00
in the morning. Uh, really.
Look at this cut.
- Isn't it freaky?
- Your student loans
are getting bigger every second
you sit here, dipshit.
It's a pretty small cut. You
definitely don't need stitches.
See, piss-pube?
You're such a boring tote bag full of boogers
you can't even bleed
in a cool way.
You don't see this?
Can you really not hear
those tiny screams?
Do you want to go for a walk?
It-it might help to talk about it.
Uh, sunlight
is a great disinfectant.
- You're crazy.
- No, I'm not!
I mean, I'm fine.
I'm fine. Thanks.
Well, she'd have
health insurance
if she hadn't
refused to marry me.
Okay, little mushrooms.
You're not real,
and you don't know me.
We know you're too cowardly
to tell your parents
you don't believe
in their turd-brained cult,
'cause then Mommy and Daddy
won't love you anymore.
- [gasps]
- Alex is gonna buy a condo
with her yuppie cloud-fucker
friends at Aggregon,
and you're going
to be all alone,
struggling to open a cold can
of beans for dinner.
Even your superpowers
aren't yours.
You have to get them
from a magical bong
because you're a pathetic stoner
- with weirdly skinny ankles.
- [knocking on door]
Daisy, is everything okay?
The duration of your shower
is approaching three hours.
I told you your cut could get
infected, and it appears it did.
You can see them. And hear them?
I can see them,
but only an infected host
can hear her parasites.
What are they?
They're so mean.
They are called Mushruminations.
As an immortal being,
I'm immune.
Cool flex. So what do I do?
Mushruminations are difficult
to eradicate.
The best tactic is confidence.
How can I be confident
when there's a voice in my ear
telling me that if David Bowie
were alive,
he'd think I was
a narc and a poser?
You cannot let
their attacks upset you.
They thrive on stress.
Okay, so I'll do what I usually
do when I'm stressed
and throw myself into a project.
Not exactly what I meant.
We also need to be sure
to contain the infection.
Who else have you had
physical contact with today?
Hi, can I try these on?
Thanks. Got to find
the perfect first date outfit.
Well, it might not be a date.
First hang.
But I don't want it to look
like I bought an outfit for him.
It's for me, so that I feel
confident. For him.
- You know?
- Yeah.
I don't think a new outfit
will help whatever's
going on with you.
MUSHROOM: She hates you.
She knows you're a spoiled
little mucus licker
who doesn't deserve to shop
in the regular price section.
Go back to the clearance rack
where you belong,
you stubby-fingered grub worm.
He probably only said
he'd go out with you
as part of a bet that he could
get the fugliest dork at school
voted prom queen
and he's gonna lose.
Daisy, what the hell?
Our apartment looks
like your DeviantArt page.
Why are you even home?
Shouldn't you be buying
fancy clothes
to impress
your precious coffee dude?
Why? Do you think he made a bet
about making me ugly prom queen?
Right. Because a prom queen like
you would never want to live
- with a pothead loser like me.
- Silence.
Can you not see
what is happening?
You are both being bled dry
by mushruminations.
A parasite from another
universe got into my cut.
- Keep up.
- What?
Oh, God, they're so loud
I can't even think!
I know where we can go to focus.
Third time's the charm, baby.
They keep saying I'm gonna screw
things up with Coffee Dude.
Him? I bet he's at home
right now jerking off,
just thinking about how lucky
he is to get to go out with you.
- Aw, you think?
- [mushrooms retching]
Whoa, cool.
What are yours saying?
That I'm dead weight around here
since you're paying the rent.
Too bad my girl Daisy knows
our value as human beings
isn't defined by our income.
- Am I right?
- Yeah!
Screw you, capitalist dicks!
[mushrooms retching]
NUT: The infection is eradicated
and just in time.
I did not want to worry you,
but mushruminations have
a tendency to spread quickly.
This could have been
quite disruptive.
- [siren wailing]
- [screaming]
I can't make this left.
I'm a terrible driver.
I-I shouldn't have dropped
out of culinary school.
- A-Are you mad at me?
- Are you mad at me?
Oh, shit.
Oh, there's no way we can
make this many people
suddenly feel confident,
outside of a Lizzo concert.
The colony must have a leader
who can call off
the mushruminations.
Most likely in an environment
reminiscent of their dank
and fetid home universe.
BOTH: The subway.
You two go on ahead.
I-I trust you.
You just don't want
to get your fur dirty.
You're wasting valuable time.
Go, go, go, go.
I'm deaf, I'm blind,
but I'm all right ♪
I'm poor, I'm broke,
but I'm just fine ♪
I fell asleep down
in the gutter ♪
But it's no worries,
it's as smooth as butter ♪
I'm not a loser, no ♪
- I'm not a loser ♪
- She's not a ♪
- Ew, sick. The smell.
- Oh, gross. The smell.
Oh, geez.
They really do spread fast.
What if this tunnel caves in
and we're squished into toe jam?
I'm never gonna be
as elegant as a chanterelle.
Why can we hear them down here?
Nut said only a host
can hear her own parasites.
I guess it's 'cause these guys
don't have a host.
- Where's your leader?
- We can't tell you,
you pimple-popping dump truck.
You'll try to forage her.
Don't flatter yourselves.
We just want to talk to her.
We'd never let anti-fungal
spit skanks like you
talk to Mama Mushroom.
In that case, sunlight can
be a great disinfectant.
- [strains] Goddamn it.
- Our spores.
Okay. We'll take you to her.
This is as far
as we can take you.
Hey, Mama Mushroom!
You better call off
your mushroom goons or else.
Yeah. Or else
we'll kick your ass.
Guess she wants to do this
the hard way.
[both shout]
You're Mama Mushroom?
That's right,
you bitch-assed piss guzzlers.
We mushruminations
are from Hubris,
a universe where all life-forms
- are overconfident and foolhardly.
- BOTH: Hmm.
In Hubris, mushrooms like me
protect and serve the ego.
We keep it in check.
You'd know that
if you weren't such
self-involved navel-slurpers.
- [moans]
- Now we've formed a new home
in your universe,
to protect you.
Rewind. Protect us?
How is telling me
I'm the human equivalent
of a rotten egg fart
protecting me?
Well, what if you are the human
equivalent of a rotten egg fart?
Isn't it better to know?
- Not really.
- And why would you want to make us feel
like we're gonna
grow apart as friends?
Just so you can be ready
if it does happen.
Mama Mushy, you little dumbass.
You were trying to help us.
Why don't we try
to get you home?
You would do that for me?
And for us. Mostly for us.
You don't know
how to do this, right?
Oh, no.
I'm totally bullshitting.
- Birth Control
- Bong Selleck
BOTH: Friendship Portal?
[both grunting]
Holy shit.
It's working!
Jesus, I'm actually grateful
to you two dingleberry fuck-nuggets.
And simultaneously prepared
for all the potential downsides
to this happy moment.
- Want to hear some of them?
- Nope.
Come on, my babies.
No, no, no. Come back!
is my greatest motivator.
We're coming home, Mama!
- [grunts]
- [exhales]
How did you know
how to open a portal
to the precise universe
the mushruminations came from?
They'll be fine, right?
Are you hungry?
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry. I totally forgot
about our date.
Not date. Hang. Whatever.
No, no, no. I'm relieved
you showed up at all.
I had this voice in my head
all day saying
- you were gonna stand me up.
- Really?
I get really insecure sometimes.
No one wants to date a guy with
these dumb, well-defined lats.
- [raspberry]
- Come on in.
On second thought, let's go out.
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