Magnum, P.I. (1980) s04e02 Episode Script
Luther Gillis: File #521
Hoist 'em! Or I'II give that funny shirt you're wearing a coupIe of more coIors.
Quit pIaying games, a girI is missing.
I don't Iike working with partners.
(GiIIis) Look what you're driving.
How do you expect to Iose a taiI when you stick out Iike King Kong on the Empire State BuiIding? [tires screeching.]
Jonathan Higgins, Robin's Nest.
Luther GiIIis, PI, St.
Louis.
You, too? Nancy! Nancy! Nancy! Wait a minute! Luther! Look out! [tires screeching.]
(Gillis) Thursday.
4.
:00 am.
Too early to call it quits and too late to try and flop.
The arthritis was making my fingers feel like leftover Jell-O and the last 12 butts had turned my mouth as dry as cotton candy.
I knew it was time to move in before I lost my appetite.
Name's Gillis, Luther.
Hail from St.
Louis.
I usually don't take cases out of town.
But times are tough not like after the war.
Everyone was looking for someone then.
Even had a partner.
Had.
Chuckie bought it outside a dime-a-dance joint in San Jose back in '63.
I've been on my own ever since.
[siren waiIing.]
TaIk to me, sweetheart.
Gary in? Thanks.
Buy yourseIf a new dress.
You're gonna catch coId.
(Gillis) This caper I was on was strictly routine.
File number 521, I called it.
Teenage girl ditches geography and runs off to Honolulu.
To my way of looking at it, she didn't need the class anyway.
Because any girl that can find her way from East St.
Louis to paradise deserves an ''A'' in my book.
The last anybody heard of little Nancy Perkins was three months ago.
I got it through the vine that she was living with some crud named Gary a nickel-and-dime dealer, all-around sleaze-o.
You know, I got the feeling I've been on this case a hundred times before.
Somehow nothing ever changes.
In all my years at this dodge, I've come across a whole lot of ways to get into locked hotel rooms skeleton keys, lock picks, credit cards.
But I guess I'm just an old-fashioned kind of guy.
Hoist 'em! You got it! About your decorator.
Oh I think you've got the wrong idea here.
Put a Iid on it, Gary.
Where's the bimbo? Gary? Bimbo? You're trying my patience.
Come across with IittIe Nancy or you'II be reading the fine print on the Mann Act under a 40-watt buIb at Oahu Prison.
LittIe Nancy? Nancy Perkins? Funny what the open end of a .
38 wiII do for the memory.
Hoist 'em! Where is she, Gary? Oh, I get it.
You think I'm Gary.
I'm not Gary.
I think I can expIain this if you'II just put the gun away.
Hoist 'em! Or I'II give that funny shirt you're wearing a coupIe of more coIors Iike two shades of red.
Look, I'm not Gary! I'm Iooking for Gary.
I'm aIso Iooking for IittIe Nancy, and-- AII right, freeze! You're under arrest! AII right, what are you guys doing here? WouId you beIieve Parcheesi? No.
Maybe I'd beIieve a IittIe grass.
AII right, you guys are coming with us.
Oh, wait, I think I can expIain.
See, I found that and I was going to caII you guys.
Downtown, Gary.
I'm not Gary! That's Gary.
(Magnum) Being a private investigator is usually interesting work.
You meet all kinds of different people and every once in a while, you get to help out somebody who really needs a hand.
Sometimes it's worth the occasional right cross to the jaw or the cold night in jail.
But sometimes you also wonder how long you can do it before you have to grow up and get a real job.
Especially when you see the future staring you right in the face.
So you're a private detective, huh? Investigator.
Investigator.
Detective.
Gumshoe.
Dick.
FIatfoot.
Who cares? We both work the same side of the street and evidentIy the same case.
Who hired you, Magnum? Nancy Perkins' mother.
Who hired you? (GiIIis) The dad.
ReaI cozy.
Yeah, they're getting a divorce.
Looks Iike we're in the middIe of a custody fight.
Yeah, kind of Iike pIaying basketbaII without a hoop.
When did the mom hire you? Last week.
From where? (Magnum) St.
Louis.
Why did you ice Gary? What? Come on, I didn't ice Gary.
Just checking, trying to trip you up.
Rapid-fire deIivery, that's part of my styIe.
Everybody's gotta have a styIe.
Come on, Luther! Quit pIaying games, a girI is missing.
The guy she's staying with is dead and I gotta find her or she's gonna end up the same way.
One of us has.
You got your cIient, I get mine.
(man) GentIemen.
GentIemen! I'm trying to get some work done here on my book.
So if you couId just-- Stuff it, scrunge-o! Let me share something with you, Magnum.
I don't Iike wise guys and I don't Iike working with partners.
Who said anything about partners? I've been working aIone too Iong, see? Fine.
You try to find Nancy Perkins your way and I'II try to find her my way.
And Iet's hope one of us gets to her whiIe she's stiII in one piece.
Got it? Fine! I got it! Good.
I'm gIad we understand each other.
Now how do we get out of this pIace? I just might be abIe to arrange that.
Yeah, right.
Connections in high pIaces.
Buddies with the IocaI Kahuna.
Better.
You see, Luther there are some advantages to working with me.
If I needed the heIp, which I don't because this is my town, peopIe know me.
And I'm in fairIy tight with the IocaI constabuIary which means aII I'd have to do caII my friend, Lieutenant Tanaka.
And he'd have us out of here just Iike that.
Sorry, Magnum, you two guys aren't going anywhere.
Wait a second.
You and I are going to the IsIander game tonight.
So, I'II take my grandson, Biff.
But they're box seats.
They're right behind home pIate.
Do you have any idea what they cost me? Ooh, pIenty.
[phone ringing.]
What do you know about Gary AIexander? Just that he's Iiving with a Nancy Perkins, a runaway.
I'm working for the mother.
(Tanaka) And you, Mr.
GiIIis? I'm working for the dad, okay? Sure it's okay with me.
What do either of you know about the Iate Mr.
AIexander and his associates? Nothing.
Just that he'd been deaIing some marijuana.
Look, I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but I can't teII you anything eIse.
Sorry? Sorry? What are you apoIogizing for? He's a cop.
He's just doing his job.
He's a cop! [peopIe chattering.]
I don't know what kind of private eyes they're making nowadays but when you start apoIogizing to cops maybe it's time I packed it in.
Look, Tanaka, I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get back to my hoteI take a shower and shave, pIus I got a case to soIve.
Go to your baIIgame.
You better teII your partner to caIm down, Magnum.
He's not my partner.
Luther.
I bet the next thing you're gonna teII me is I can't Ieave the isIand 'cause I'm a materiaI witness.
Magnum.
Luther.
Mr.
GiIIis-- Do you know how many coppers have Iaid that Iine on me in my time? Look, buddy, I know the ruIes.
Now give me the key to this two-bit tank and Iet me out of here.
I just threw it away.
[birds chirping.]
(Gillis) The big guy sure had a temper, I'll say that for him.
What a way to spend a night but he's gotta learn you can't let cops push you around.
And he even got madder when I got my secretary to wire my bail for me.
That Blanche, she's a helluva kid.
Been with me since '51.
Funny how time creeps by.
Sun and Surf MoteI.
Anyway, the bail got here before Magnum's so-called friends did.
Of course, that didn't make him any happier about things.
But, hey, I got a case to solve.
(Magnum) What kept you guys? (T.
C.
) Love.
What do you mean, ''Iove''? Six-Iove, six-Iove, six-Iove.
(Rick) You got to rub it in? No, I guess I don't.
Gee, that's just great, guys.
I'm sitting in jaiI on a murder charge and you guys are out hitting a IittIe baII back and forth.
I thought you were trying to find out about Gary AIexander but you're just out having a good time.
Thanks.
Thanks a Iot.
Hey, Thomas we weren't out pIaying tennis with ourseIves.
We were out pIaying with Ice Pick.
Yeah, and his bodyguard, Hugo.
Hugo? Yeah.
DoubIes.
And the onIy way to get any information out of him was by Iosing.
Six-Iove.
Do you think it's easy Iosing to an 80-pound shrimp? And his 400-pound bodyguard? Do you reaIize how many tennis baIIs he broke? Not to mention rackets.
Hugo? Look, Thomas, we don't have aII day.
I mean, our pride and our seIf-respect have been shattered.
Do you want the information or not? Yeah.
Wait a minute, guys.
Come on, come on, T.
C.
, I'm sorry.
Sorry, Rick.
What did you find out? WeII, we found out that Gary was into Artie Keanu for mucho bucks.
Now, he ripped him off on a coupIe of deaIs, skimmed right off the top.
You find Artie Keanu, you find who kiIIed Gary AIexander.
And maybe the missing chick.
WeII, thanks, guys.
Look, can you drop me off at the estate? First, we've got one stop to make.
Ice Pick wants to see you.
So does Hugo.
Sorry, paI.
Part of the deaI.
(Magnum) After five tiebreakers with Ice Pick and Hugo I finally went to see Artie Keanu.
Now, when I write my book on how to be a world class private investigator I'm going to include a chapter about getting in touch with local crime bosses.
Paragraph one it's not easy.
That's because guys like Artie Keanu tend to run everything through subordinates, guys like Gary.
Gary was no longer with him.
Instead, I got a guy on the phone with gravel for a voice telling me to get lost.
Not polite at all.
Paragraph two if phone calls don't work, try a personal visit.
Sure, it was dangerous but I figured once I got to Artie himself he'd understand and help me find little Nancy.
I'd appeal to his sense of compassion and humanity and I'd also put a .
45 to his head.
Paragraph three what you have to be careful about are ignoring the guys with the gravely voices because they're the type of yo-yos who tend to shoot first and ask questions later.
[gun firing.]
[ship's horn bIowing.]
[gun firing.]
[car engine starting.]
[tires screeching.]
Rookies.
[birds chirping.]
(Gillis) I took the big guy to an emergency room and got that thick skull of his patched up.
The outside.
The inside was another matter.
What's the matter with you? You couId've got the both of us kiIIed.
Quit the yeIIing.
I'm not yeIIing.
[groaning.]
Where is your pIace? Straight ahead.
Listen, bub, you better stick to your surfboards and suntans and stay out of my way! Luther, my head-- Is fiIIed with air! Air! Do you reaIize what a dumb mistake you made back there? Running bIind into that pIace.
[groaning.]
I can't beIieve you! Right here.
Look at that.
Chapter six Working The Waterfront.
What's this? What's this? What's this? It's my book! Stop yeIIing.
PIease.
So You Want To Be A Private Eye? by Luther H.
GiIIis.
[chuckIing.]
What's so funny? Nothing.
Nothing.
You wouIdn't understand.
Here we are.
[Higgins and women grunting.]
[birds chirping.]
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe it was me that got hit in the head.
No, I see it, too.
I say, Magnum, you Iook Iike bIoody heII.
Beaten up again, I imagine.
No, I wasn't beaten up.
He was shot.
Oh, Mr.
Magnum, are you aII right? I'm fine, Agatha, I'm fine.
The buIIet just creased my forehead.
It's just a fIesh wound.
It's just a fIesh wound.
WeII, perhaps if you enroIIed in Jonathan's kung fu cIass you might be better abIe to defend yourseIf.
Right, girIs? Against buIIets? Who shot you, Magnum? Another phiIandering husband on yet another tawdry divorce case? Or was it-- Hey, wait a second, bub.
What's so tawdry about a divorce case? I beg your pardon? You heard me.
I said what's tawdry about a divorce case? Guy's gotta make a buck.
(Higgins) Peeping in keyhoIes and hanging upside down on fire escapes gawking through windows hardIy quaIifies as dignified Iabor to me.
I'm afraid, sir, we've not been introduced.
Jonathan Higgins, Robin's Nest.
Luther GiIIis, PI, St.
Louis.
PI? You too? You got it, Bruce Lee.
[dogs growIing.]
Luther and I we're sort of on the same case, but we're not reaIIy.
How droII.
A team.
No.
We're not a team.
(Higgins) Of course.
By the by, Rick's been Iooking for you.
He says he's had a break in the case.
Great.
(Higgins) Oh, Magnum I was going to ask you to stand in whiIe the Iadies demonstrate their jump kick.
But inasmuch as you are indisposed may I prevaiI upon Mr.
GiIIis? What's the matter with you standing in? I have to observe the Iadies' form before moving on to the next Iesson.
Just, stay right where you are, Mr.
GiIIis.
GIadys.
[shrieking.]
My God! Look.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I thought that oId broad was trying to kick my dentures in.
Get out of my Iife, Luther.
I'm out.
I just wanna find out what your friend has to say about Nancy Perkins.
(Higgins on answering machine) Hello, Magnum.
I see that you have finally succumbed to the realities of modern living.
Perhaps now your clients will be able to reach you without calling on Mr.
Masters' private line.
On the other hand, so will the inevitable parade of bill collectors.
I shudder to think what you'll be spending on audio tape.
At any rate, what I'm calling about is the lads.
I've been promising to take them to the Anglo-Hawaiian Canine Convention, this Sunday and-- [tape forwarding.]
(Sheryl) Hello, Thomas.
This is Sheryl.
You remember me? [Sheryl giggling.]
Thielburg Insurance.
Anyway, if you're out of work we have this insurance claim we need a report on-- [tape forwarding.]
Insurance dogging, Mr.
Big Time? SideIine.
(Rick) Hey, Thomas, where you been? I got some new skinny on Artie Keanu.
Hey, where did you get this machine? You didn't take this out of my office, did you? No, it's still here.
Anyway, I found out Keanu personally runs a weekly cockfight over on Old Awamoku Road on the other side of the Pali.
Ho-ho, big money, too.
Lots of action.
Just one thing, though, pally you go up there, you better make sure your insurance is paid up and your bar tab.
See you, bub.
Hey, just a second, Luther.
Where do you think you're going? You heard the guy, Owomaku Road.
You don't know where ''Awamoku Road'' is.
You don't even know how to say it.
I'II find it.
They haven't made a pIace I can't find.
Great.
You find it, you're going to get yourseIf kiIIed.
Who's taIking? I'm not the one who's bouncing buIIets off his head.
Besides, this is my case.
It's my case and I'm going up there.
So am I! You got a concussion.
You can't even see! You're staying right here.
No! I know what you're thinking, Magnum.
You're thinking that I'm oId, washed-up through, some kind of reIic-- Luther.
A dinosaur or something.
WeII, I'II teII you something, bud I was bringing back runaways and standing up before big guys before you were born.
Before I was born! [groaning.]
Luther aII I'm saying is it doesn't get any easier.
And Artie Keanu is a tough guy to go up against aIone.
Look, can you get me a coupIe of aspirin, wiII you? My head, pIease.
Sure, big guy.
Where are they? In the cupboard, above the sink.
You just stay right there.
I'II handIe this Artie Canoe guy.
It's ''Keanu.
'' And besides, assuming assuming you find the fight I mean, how are you going to pIay it? Thanks.
I mean Artie is going to have more muscIe around him than the Raiders' offensive Iine.
Let's just say I stiII got a few tricks up my sIeeve.
Like what? Like ChIoraI Hydrate.
Chapter nine.
You never know when you'II need a mickey, Magnum.
You see, you just don't understand.
Luther GiIIis works aIone.
I'm sorry, okay? (Gillis) I kind of felt bad about doping the big guy.
After all, he meant well, but a lug like that's just gonna get in the way.
At any rate, it bought me some time to get to the hotel and get in some local undercover type duds.
Plenty of time, because I knew Magnum was going to be seeing more stars in the next few hours than there were in Schwab's Drugstore circa 1953.
[rooster crowing.]
(Gillis) I never could figure out how come people like seeing little birdies with razorblades on their toes slashing each other to ribbons.
I mean, those poor slobs should be sitting on top of a henhouse crowing the break of day, enjoying life.
Of course, I never could figure out wars or boxing or the roller derby either.
I just go along and do the best I can.
Which includes putting it on the line every once in a while.
Especially when it's worth it.
And I was hoping that little Nancy Perkins was.
Hey, big boy.
I'm Iooking to Iay one on the fight tonight.
Where's Artie? Just Iay it on me, brother.
I'II see he gets it.
Not good enough.
I onIy give it to Artie.
Nothing personaI just that I don't know you.
They caII me LittIe Tony.
Now you know me.
They caII me Luther GiIIis.
Now do you want to teII Artie he's not weIcome in Vegas anymore, or do I? This is Luther GiIIis you're taIking to.
You understand? Luther H.
GiIIis from Vegas.
Now do you teII me where my friend Artie is or do I rip your heart out through your Iungs? In the office.
Thanks.
You're a sweetheart.
(Gillis) Little Tony didn't know it but I was seriously considering getting into a new line of work like astronomy or something.
I mean, none of this is getting any easier.
So while I still had the nerve I thought I'd try the direct approach with Artie Canoe.
Where is she? Nancy Perkins? Lived with that crud you iced.
I didn't ice him.
I don't give a damn about him.
Where's the girI, Artie? I don't know.
Now you better-- I better what, huh? I better what? In three seconds, I'm gonna puII this trigger and your guts are gonna go spIashing across this room.
Now, taIk to me, Artie! Three! Two! Sister Rose.
What? Try Sister Rose, HoteI Street.
Look, I don't know where the IittIe girI is either, man.
And she's damn Iucky about that.
But if anybody wouId know, it'd be Sister Rose.
Thanks.
Besides being iIIegaI, hasn't anybody ever toId you that cockfighting isn't nice? Be kind to animaIs, Artie.
They're supposed to be dumber than we are.
My thought for the day.
See you.
I kind of thought that was a Iong time to be putting down a bet.
Back inside, Mr.
Vegas.
(Magnum) Hi, guys.
Now, Iet's discuss this situation for a minute.
You see Artie, if you guys decide to do anything funny, here's what happens.
Luther shoots you, the big guy shoots Luther, and I shoot the big guy.
Which means, you two guys wind up dead and aII I Iose is Luther.
Which at this point, begins to sound more and more acceptabIe.
Now, there is an aIternative.
You can Iet us both go and we promise not to bother you anymore.
I guess we're even now.
Now we're even.
You're Iearning, big guy.
Come on, I'II buy you a beer.
You got us out of a tough one.
We're home free now.
[sirens waiIing.]
This is the police.
Don't anybody move.
We have this entire place surrounded.
[birds chirping.]
Guard! Guard! Get me out of here! I want a separate ceII.
(Magnum) I want a separate prison! I'm through with you! Through! Likewise! I shouId practice what I preach.
Never work with a partner who is Iess capabIe than you.
Chapter five.
I'm not working with you, Luther! I know that! That's because you don't Iisten.
No! No, it's it's you who won't Iisten! I toId you not to go there.
Yeah? Who got the name Sister Rose? Sister Rose.
Yeah, who is she? Nobody.
It won't mean anything to you.
[Magnum yeIping.]
[shrieking.]
WithhoIding information! That isn't fair! Yeah? I suppose sIipping me a mickey was? Hey, it seemed Iike a good idea at the time.
[man gasping.]
[man choking.]
[man yeIIing.]
[crashing.]
You two are menaces.
WaIking menaces.
First, murder.
Then mayhem.
Now an attempted suicide.
TroubIe is my business.
Luther.
(Tanaka) Putting peopIe behind bars is mine.
You've got nothing on us.
You gotta Iet us make baiI.
Oh, come on, Luther, pIease, not again.
Don't worry.
I'm going to Iet you go.
First, three questions you've got anything new to teII me about the murder of Gary AIexander? Is Artie Keanu mixed up in it? And where does this runaway kid fit in? [phone ringing.]
No.
Maybe.
And we don't know.
The two of you got 24 hours to come up with the answers or I'm going to run you both in on the murder rap.
That's ridicuIous, Lieutenant.
It won't stick! It won't stick! (Tanaka) Maybe.
The DA's on my butt to make an arrest and since the two of you were in the apartment when the body was found I think I have a coupIe of IikeIy candidates for him.
Come on, Lieutenant, it won't stick.
How do I know that? It's strange how the wheeIs of justice sometimes turn.
But I suppose if there's a mistake I can aIways redo the paperwork.
See you guys.
Wait a second.
Why 24 hours? That's-- That's when we Iose the room.
We searched it, seaIed it and found nothing.
So we've got to turn it back to the hoteI.
Aloha, gentIemen.
Yeah, aloha yourseIf.
(Tanaka) Hey, Magnum, you see the sports page today? Tigers back into first pIace.
They got rained out.
But BaItimore Iost.
Looks Iike a reaI big year for comebacks.
(Magnum) I know what you're thinking.
24 hours doesn't seem like a whole lot of time to find a missing teenage girl and solve a murder.
But having to do it with Luther Gillis can make it seem like an eternity.
(Gillis) Of course, I've been in tighter spots before.
Like the time Eddie ''The Wimp'' Korcek was pouring cement over my wingtips.
But never, ever have I had a handicap like this guy.
I mean, criminy, the dope doesn't even know we're pulling a tail.
We got a taiI, Luther.
Don't Iook! I aIready spotted him nine paIm trees ago.
Sure.
YeIIow Caddie.
Don't Iook so surprised.
Look what you're driving.
How do you expect to Iose a taiI when you stick out Iike King Kong on the Empire State BuiIding? Like this.
[tires screeching.]
(GiIIis) Oh, my God! (GiIIis) Watch it! [engine revving.]
[tires screeching.]
(GiIIis) My oId Nash never did things Iike this.
[horn honking.]
(GiIIis) Lot of good your racecar's doing us here.
You know, some guys are never satisfied.
Didn't I just shake that taiI? So, big deaI.
ProbabIy your copper friend keeping an eye on us.
I don't think so.
It's not Tanaka's styIe.
He don't have any styIe.
My guess is it's Artie Keanu.
I got a hunch that he wants IittIe Nancy Perkins as much as we do.
(GiIIis) Look at this pIace.
Some paradise.
I couId've seen this stuff in St.
Louis.
Nobody's stopping you.
What? What did you say? Luther, paradise isn't a pIace.
It's a state of mind, you know? It's a feeIing you get when-- Oh, just gimme a break, wiII you? I don't want to get sick in front of aII these nice peopIe.
Now who's this Sister Rose broad and where's her cathouse? It's right up here.
She's probabIy some fat oId broad in a cheap bIack dress with a bunch of two-bit chicks.
Come on, come on, what's the password? The password is God, gentIemen.
How may I be of service? You're Sister Rose? Sister Mary MagdaIene Rose-- Ah, excuse me, Sister.
I'm Luther GiIIis.
This is my partner, Tom Magnum.
How do you do? We're private investigators.
We're Iooking for a runaway girI from St.
Louis.
She's very pretty.
(GiIIis) She's onIy 16, Sister.
Her name's Nancy Perkins.
I'm afraid I can't heIp you.
(Magnum) You haven't seen her? My mission down here in this district is to offer sheIter and guidance to those young Iadies who seek it.
I ask no questions.
I'm just here, someone they can trust.
When they feeI that they're once again ready for the outside worId, weII.
I'm sorry, Mr.
GiIIis, Mr.
Magnum.
Right now I can't heIp you.
Yeah, sure.
WeII, what if I-- I'II pray for her, Mr.
GiIIis.
I promise.
Thanks.
But perhaps you two gentIemen can heIp me.
A smaII offering? (Magnum) It wasn't the $10 that was bothering me.
It was something else.
A little voice.
It was telling me that nuns aren't supposed to lie.
It's in their rulebook or something.
And, when you seriously analyze it, Sister Rose didn't lie to us.
She just said she couldn't help us and that she'd pray for Nancy.
Didn't say anything about not seeing her.
(Gillis) I remember once when I was nine years old and I was in Catechism with my former best friend, Eddie ''The Wimp'' Korcek and our teacher was Sister Mary Alice Meanface.
She was always after Eddie for pulling stunts but could never catch him.
So she did the next best thing by busting my knuckles with her steel-plated ruler.
I'll never forget the look on her face when I didn't squeal.
It was scared like a am-I-doing-the-right-thing kind of look.
Just like the look I saw five minutes ago on that nun's face.
(Magnum) Nancy? (GiIIis) Nancy! Come on! Open up in there! Nancy! Nancy, you in there? Come on! Come on! Open up again! You stay on her! I'm gonna go around back.
(GiIIis) Come on, open up! Nancy! No, Nancy! It's okay! Nancy! Nancy! Wait a minute! (Magnum) Luther! Luther! Look out! [tires screeching.]
Luther! Luther, you aII right? Yeah, yeah, of course.
Just heIp me up.
What's the matter with you? Did she get away? Yeah.
You know, Luther, you aImost kiIIed yourseIf just now.
Somehow I don't think running into oncoming traffic after a runaway quaIifies as a chapter in your book.
Except maybe if she's your daughter.
Then maybe you might just run through heII.
(Magnum) I took Luther to an emergency room and had his head patched up.
The outside.
The inside, of course, was another matter.
Chuckie! Look out! That one's got your name on it! Look out.
Oh! Oh, poor Chuckie.
(Magnum) Luther was obviously in no condition to answer a couple of routine questions.
Like, how come he didn't tell me Nancy Perkins was his daughter? And given that, how come he hired himself to find her? I'm gonna marry you, BIanche.
I promise.
St.
Luke's, 10:00, I'II be there.
(Magnum) Time was running out.
Tanaka was going to run us in on the murder rap and I had the feeling that time was running out on little Nancy Perkins, too.
Or whatever her name was.
Therefore, I had to stash Luther someplace safe and go this alone.
And I knew, given the circumstances, that Higgins would understand.
(Higgins) Absolutely not.
And how dare you bring back this sIovenIy, sadistic buIIy? How dare you? (Magnum) Because he needs heIp! ObviousIy so do you.
By the way, your matching bandages are quite the thing.
You do make such a debonair pair.
Woody Herman's at the PaIace.
You want to go cut a rug, BIanche? Oh, my.
Oh, come on, Higgins, just for a few hours.
Look, he's not even in his right mind.
And obviousIy neither are you if you think for one moment that-- Just Iet me expIain! See, Iook, that runaway girI we're after turned out to be Luther's daughter.
ReaIIy, Magnum, with him as her father I can hardIy bIame her for fIeeing.
And if I don't find her or the guys that kiIIed her boyfriend by tomorrow we're up on murder charges.
Don't be ridicuIous, Magnum it won't stick.
(GiIIis) It won't stick.
[birds chirping.]
I know that.
Look, aII I'm saying is that was one frightened girI I saw today.
Now, whoever kiIIed Gary is after her.
Why? Why? How do I.
[car engine starting.]
[engine revving.]
Why does he aIways do that, Jonathan? I don't know, Agatha.
I think sometimes our Creator is testing me.
Indeed, it couId be for no other reason.
If I thought otherwise, I beIieve I truIy wouId go irrevocabIy irretrievabIy mad.
(Magnum) Higgins' question was one I should have asked a long time ago.
Like when that cop held that bag of marijuana in our faces.
Whoever trashed Gary's apartment wasn't interested in dope.
And whatever they were interested in they believed Nancy Perkins had it.
Or would lead them to it just as soon as Tanaka took his boys out of the room.
That's where me and Luther came in flush her out.
I could almost hear this guy's fingers on the phone.
Knowing how jittery little Nancy was I thought honesty would be the best policy.
[gasping.]
Freeze! PoIice! You're not a cop.
And you're not a hooker.
Or a toaster repairman.
What are you hiding, Nancy? $30,000.
Go ahead, take it! I don't care anymore.
You guys can have it aII back.
Gary was wrong, he shouIdn't have ripped off Artie.
Now he's dead.
Go ahead, take it! That's not what I'm here for, Nancy.
I'm here for you.
You're not with Artie Keanu? No.
I'm a private investigator.
Nancy, it's time to go back to St.
Louis.
Oh, great.
Who hired you? My drunken mom or the two-timing dipstick she married Iast year? Take me back to them? No, thanks.
And that goes doubIe if you're working for that creep who caIIs himseIf my father.
That creep who caIIs himseIf your father ran in front of a car trying to get to you.
That was him? Luther GiIIis? You didn't know? [sighing.]
I haven't seen him since I was three years oId.
He ran out on me and my mom.
I was just getting used to it.
Maybe Luther hasn't.
He reaIIy cares for you, Nancy.
He wants you back.
You sure? Yeah.
I mean, if he Ioves me so much then why did he Ieave? If he Ioves me so much then how come he keeps confusing my birthday with my IittIe brother's? I get birthday cards in August.
It's Iike I'm a Pisces, you know.
At Ieast he's trying.
Maybe you can, too.
It's too Iate.
Nancy you know what Luther wouId do if he were here right now? Huh? What? Don't you touch me.
That was him the other night.
What? He gave me $5 to find out if Gary was in.
I didn't even know it was him.
He didn't know it was me and Gary was dead.
I'd just seen them do it.
I was running.
Okay, so if you're not a cop and you're not with the hoods we've gotta get out of here quick.
Nancy we've got nothing to worry about.
I've got two of my associates outside waiting to cover us, right now.
ReaIIy? ReaIIy.
(GiIIis) Hands on the dashboard, you two or your sons and daughters wiII be orphans.
We don't have any kids.
Who cares? You get the idea.
Hands on the dashboard.
Take off those suspenders.
Hey! Hey, nothing.
I'm gonna tie you two hoods up with it for the cops.
Hey, wait a minute, mister.
We're not-- [Rick grunting.]
[muffIed yeIIing.]
ReIax, Nancy.
In about 60 seconds my friends are gonna come knocking at that door and take you away.
I'II caII the poIice and Artie Keanu wiII be history.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Yep.
(Gillis) So you thought I was out of the picture? Well, two tons of Detroit steel bouncing off my head or a gaggle of karate screaming old ladies ain't gonna stop Luther Gillis, Private Investigator.
I don't miss a trick, kiddos.
[Rick and T.
C.
mumbIing.]
Can it, wiII you, guys? [excIaiming.]
[both grunting.]
[footsteps approaching.]
Great.
I think I hear 'em now.
It's working Iike a charm.
[guns firing.]
[guns firing.]
[guns firing.]
(Gillis) So I finally closed the book on file number 521.
Little Nancy Perkins Gillis was safe and sound.
And Artie Canoe and his cheap thugs had more holes in 'em than 12 pounds of rotten Swiss cheese.
It was all over except the shouting.
(Magnum) You couId have got me kiIIed! Tom, in this business, you got to take chances.
When you start Iosing your nerve, it's time to get out.
Right.
What chapter was that one in? The Iast one and I ain't got to it yet.
Mr.
Magnum, Mr.
GiIIis.
Come in.
Hi, Sister.
Came by to say goodbye to Nancy.
She's expecting you.
By the way, we want to thank you for the smaII offering.
This one wasn't so smaII.
Yeah, right.
WeII, don't teII the Lieutenant, you know, that Tanaka cat.
Oh, the money wiII be put to good use.
As wiII Nancy.
Thank you, Sister.
I know you'II take good care of my IittIe girI.
Oh, thank you.
And I apoIogize for not being totaIIy honest with the two of you before but that's because your daughter was not totaIIy honest with me.
I'm afraid it kind of runs in the famiIy, Sister.
[birds chirping.]
WeII, you take care, okay? I'II write to you.
I promise, in March.
See, I remembered.
It's Timmy who's in August.
That's Jimmy, Dad.
Right.
Right.
It's just a joke.
If you ever decide to run away again you come to St.
Louis, okay? Come on, I'II drive you to the airport.
As a matter of fact, I'II onIy be too happy to do it.
Thanks.
[horn honking.]
One question, Luther.
What? WeII, how did you know to go back to Gary's rooming house? I mean, I went through a Iot to figure that one out.
Easy.
They aIways return to the scene of the crime.
Chapter 1 1 .
(Gillis) And if he believed that I got some swampland in Florida for him, too.
Quit pIaying games, a girI is missing.
I don't Iike working with partners.
(GiIIis) Look what you're driving.
How do you expect to Iose a taiI when you stick out Iike King Kong on the Empire State BuiIding? [tires screeching.]
Jonathan Higgins, Robin's Nest.
Luther GiIIis, PI, St.
Louis.
You, too? Nancy! Nancy! Nancy! Wait a minute! Luther! Look out! [tires screeching.]
(Gillis) Thursday.
4.
:00 am.
Too early to call it quits and too late to try and flop.
The arthritis was making my fingers feel like leftover Jell-O and the last 12 butts had turned my mouth as dry as cotton candy.
I knew it was time to move in before I lost my appetite.
Name's Gillis, Luther.
Hail from St.
Louis.
I usually don't take cases out of town.
But times are tough not like after the war.
Everyone was looking for someone then.
Even had a partner.
Had.
Chuckie bought it outside a dime-a-dance joint in San Jose back in '63.
I've been on my own ever since.
[siren waiIing.]
TaIk to me, sweetheart.
Gary in? Thanks.
Buy yourseIf a new dress.
You're gonna catch coId.
(Gillis) This caper I was on was strictly routine.
File number 521, I called it.
Teenage girl ditches geography and runs off to Honolulu.
To my way of looking at it, she didn't need the class anyway.
Because any girl that can find her way from East St.
Louis to paradise deserves an ''A'' in my book.
The last anybody heard of little Nancy Perkins was three months ago.
I got it through the vine that she was living with some crud named Gary a nickel-and-dime dealer, all-around sleaze-o.
You know, I got the feeling I've been on this case a hundred times before.
Somehow nothing ever changes.
In all my years at this dodge, I've come across a whole lot of ways to get into locked hotel rooms skeleton keys, lock picks, credit cards.
But I guess I'm just an old-fashioned kind of guy.
Hoist 'em! You got it! About your decorator.
Oh I think you've got the wrong idea here.
Put a Iid on it, Gary.
Where's the bimbo? Gary? Bimbo? You're trying my patience.
Come across with IittIe Nancy or you'II be reading the fine print on the Mann Act under a 40-watt buIb at Oahu Prison.
LittIe Nancy? Nancy Perkins? Funny what the open end of a .
38 wiII do for the memory.
Hoist 'em! Where is she, Gary? Oh, I get it.
You think I'm Gary.
I'm not Gary.
I think I can expIain this if you'II just put the gun away.
Hoist 'em! Or I'II give that funny shirt you're wearing a coupIe of more coIors Iike two shades of red.
Look, I'm not Gary! I'm Iooking for Gary.
I'm aIso Iooking for IittIe Nancy, and-- AII right, freeze! You're under arrest! AII right, what are you guys doing here? WouId you beIieve Parcheesi? No.
Maybe I'd beIieve a IittIe grass.
AII right, you guys are coming with us.
Oh, wait, I think I can expIain.
See, I found that and I was going to caII you guys.
Downtown, Gary.
I'm not Gary! That's Gary.
(Magnum) Being a private investigator is usually interesting work.
You meet all kinds of different people and every once in a while, you get to help out somebody who really needs a hand.
Sometimes it's worth the occasional right cross to the jaw or the cold night in jail.
But sometimes you also wonder how long you can do it before you have to grow up and get a real job.
Especially when you see the future staring you right in the face.
So you're a private detective, huh? Investigator.
Investigator.
Detective.
Gumshoe.
Dick.
FIatfoot.
Who cares? We both work the same side of the street and evidentIy the same case.
Who hired you, Magnum? Nancy Perkins' mother.
Who hired you? (GiIIis) The dad.
ReaI cozy.
Yeah, they're getting a divorce.
Looks Iike we're in the middIe of a custody fight.
Yeah, kind of Iike pIaying basketbaII without a hoop.
When did the mom hire you? Last week.
From where? (Magnum) St.
Louis.
Why did you ice Gary? What? Come on, I didn't ice Gary.
Just checking, trying to trip you up.
Rapid-fire deIivery, that's part of my styIe.
Everybody's gotta have a styIe.
Come on, Luther! Quit pIaying games, a girI is missing.
The guy she's staying with is dead and I gotta find her or she's gonna end up the same way.
One of us has.
You got your cIient, I get mine.
(man) GentIemen.
GentIemen! I'm trying to get some work done here on my book.
So if you couId just-- Stuff it, scrunge-o! Let me share something with you, Magnum.
I don't Iike wise guys and I don't Iike working with partners.
Who said anything about partners? I've been working aIone too Iong, see? Fine.
You try to find Nancy Perkins your way and I'II try to find her my way.
And Iet's hope one of us gets to her whiIe she's stiII in one piece.
Got it? Fine! I got it! Good.
I'm gIad we understand each other.
Now how do we get out of this pIace? I just might be abIe to arrange that.
Yeah, right.
Connections in high pIaces.
Buddies with the IocaI Kahuna.
Better.
You see, Luther there are some advantages to working with me.
If I needed the heIp, which I don't because this is my town, peopIe know me.
And I'm in fairIy tight with the IocaI constabuIary which means aII I'd have to do caII my friend, Lieutenant Tanaka.
And he'd have us out of here just Iike that.
Sorry, Magnum, you two guys aren't going anywhere.
Wait a second.
You and I are going to the IsIander game tonight.
So, I'II take my grandson, Biff.
But they're box seats.
They're right behind home pIate.
Do you have any idea what they cost me? Ooh, pIenty.
[phone ringing.]
What do you know about Gary AIexander? Just that he's Iiving with a Nancy Perkins, a runaway.
I'm working for the mother.
(Tanaka) And you, Mr.
GiIIis? I'm working for the dad, okay? Sure it's okay with me.
What do either of you know about the Iate Mr.
AIexander and his associates? Nothing.
Just that he'd been deaIing some marijuana.
Look, I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but I can't teII you anything eIse.
Sorry? Sorry? What are you apoIogizing for? He's a cop.
He's just doing his job.
He's a cop! [peopIe chattering.]
I don't know what kind of private eyes they're making nowadays but when you start apoIogizing to cops maybe it's time I packed it in.
Look, Tanaka, I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get back to my hoteI take a shower and shave, pIus I got a case to soIve.
Go to your baIIgame.
You better teII your partner to caIm down, Magnum.
He's not my partner.
Luther.
I bet the next thing you're gonna teII me is I can't Ieave the isIand 'cause I'm a materiaI witness.
Magnum.
Luther.
Mr.
GiIIis-- Do you know how many coppers have Iaid that Iine on me in my time? Look, buddy, I know the ruIes.
Now give me the key to this two-bit tank and Iet me out of here.
I just threw it away.
[birds chirping.]
(Gillis) The big guy sure had a temper, I'll say that for him.
What a way to spend a night but he's gotta learn you can't let cops push you around.
And he even got madder when I got my secretary to wire my bail for me.
That Blanche, she's a helluva kid.
Been with me since '51.
Funny how time creeps by.
Sun and Surf MoteI.
Anyway, the bail got here before Magnum's so-called friends did.
Of course, that didn't make him any happier about things.
But, hey, I got a case to solve.
(Magnum) What kept you guys? (T.
C.
) Love.
What do you mean, ''Iove''? Six-Iove, six-Iove, six-Iove.
(Rick) You got to rub it in? No, I guess I don't.
Gee, that's just great, guys.
I'm sitting in jaiI on a murder charge and you guys are out hitting a IittIe baII back and forth.
I thought you were trying to find out about Gary AIexander but you're just out having a good time.
Thanks.
Thanks a Iot.
Hey, Thomas we weren't out pIaying tennis with ourseIves.
We were out pIaying with Ice Pick.
Yeah, and his bodyguard, Hugo.
Hugo? Yeah.
DoubIes.
And the onIy way to get any information out of him was by Iosing.
Six-Iove.
Do you think it's easy Iosing to an 80-pound shrimp? And his 400-pound bodyguard? Do you reaIize how many tennis baIIs he broke? Not to mention rackets.
Hugo? Look, Thomas, we don't have aII day.
I mean, our pride and our seIf-respect have been shattered.
Do you want the information or not? Yeah.
Wait a minute, guys.
Come on, come on, T.
C.
, I'm sorry.
Sorry, Rick.
What did you find out? WeII, we found out that Gary was into Artie Keanu for mucho bucks.
Now, he ripped him off on a coupIe of deaIs, skimmed right off the top.
You find Artie Keanu, you find who kiIIed Gary AIexander.
And maybe the missing chick.
WeII, thanks, guys.
Look, can you drop me off at the estate? First, we've got one stop to make.
Ice Pick wants to see you.
So does Hugo.
Sorry, paI.
Part of the deaI.
(Magnum) After five tiebreakers with Ice Pick and Hugo I finally went to see Artie Keanu.
Now, when I write my book on how to be a world class private investigator I'm going to include a chapter about getting in touch with local crime bosses.
Paragraph one it's not easy.
That's because guys like Artie Keanu tend to run everything through subordinates, guys like Gary.
Gary was no longer with him.
Instead, I got a guy on the phone with gravel for a voice telling me to get lost.
Not polite at all.
Paragraph two if phone calls don't work, try a personal visit.
Sure, it was dangerous but I figured once I got to Artie himself he'd understand and help me find little Nancy.
I'd appeal to his sense of compassion and humanity and I'd also put a .
45 to his head.
Paragraph three what you have to be careful about are ignoring the guys with the gravely voices because they're the type of yo-yos who tend to shoot first and ask questions later.
[gun firing.]
[ship's horn bIowing.]
[gun firing.]
[car engine starting.]
[tires screeching.]
Rookies.
[birds chirping.]
(Gillis) I took the big guy to an emergency room and got that thick skull of his patched up.
The outside.
The inside was another matter.
What's the matter with you? You couId've got the both of us kiIIed.
Quit the yeIIing.
I'm not yeIIing.
[groaning.]
Where is your pIace? Straight ahead.
Listen, bub, you better stick to your surfboards and suntans and stay out of my way! Luther, my head-- Is fiIIed with air! Air! Do you reaIize what a dumb mistake you made back there? Running bIind into that pIace.
[groaning.]
I can't beIieve you! Right here.
Look at that.
Chapter six Working The Waterfront.
What's this? What's this? What's this? It's my book! Stop yeIIing.
PIease.
So You Want To Be A Private Eye? by Luther H.
GiIIis.
[chuckIing.]
What's so funny? Nothing.
Nothing.
You wouIdn't understand.
Here we are.
[Higgins and women grunting.]
[birds chirping.]
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe it was me that got hit in the head.
No, I see it, too.
I say, Magnum, you Iook Iike bIoody heII.
Beaten up again, I imagine.
No, I wasn't beaten up.
He was shot.
Oh, Mr.
Magnum, are you aII right? I'm fine, Agatha, I'm fine.
The buIIet just creased my forehead.
It's just a fIesh wound.
It's just a fIesh wound.
WeII, perhaps if you enroIIed in Jonathan's kung fu cIass you might be better abIe to defend yourseIf.
Right, girIs? Against buIIets? Who shot you, Magnum? Another phiIandering husband on yet another tawdry divorce case? Or was it-- Hey, wait a second, bub.
What's so tawdry about a divorce case? I beg your pardon? You heard me.
I said what's tawdry about a divorce case? Guy's gotta make a buck.
(Higgins) Peeping in keyhoIes and hanging upside down on fire escapes gawking through windows hardIy quaIifies as dignified Iabor to me.
I'm afraid, sir, we've not been introduced.
Jonathan Higgins, Robin's Nest.
Luther GiIIis, PI, St.
Louis.
PI? You too? You got it, Bruce Lee.
[dogs growIing.]
Luther and I we're sort of on the same case, but we're not reaIIy.
How droII.
A team.
No.
We're not a team.
(Higgins) Of course.
By the by, Rick's been Iooking for you.
He says he's had a break in the case.
Great.
(Higgins) Oh, Magnum I was going to ask you to stand in whiIe the Iadies demonstrate their jump kick.
But inasmuch as you are indisposed may I prevaiI upon Mr.
GiIIis? What's the matter with you standing in? I have to observe the Iadies' form before moving on to the next Iesson.
Just, stay right where you are, Mr.
GiIIis.
GIadys.
[shrieking.]
My God! Look.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I thought that oId broad was trying to kick my dentures in.
Get out of my Iife, Luther.
I'm out.
I just wanna find out what your friend has to say about Nancy Perkins.
(Higgins on answering machine) Hello, Magnum.
I see that you have finally succumbed to the realities of modern living.
Perhaps now your clients will be able to reach you without calling on Mr.
Masters' private line.
On the other hand, so will the inevitable parade of bill collectors.
I shudder to think what you'll be spending on audio tape.
At any rate, what I'm calling about is the lads.
I've been promising to take them to the Anglo-Hawaiian Canine Convention, this Sunday and-- [tape forwarding.]
(Sheryl) Hello, Thomas.
This is Sheryl.
You remember me? [Sheryl giggling.]
Thielburg Insurance.
Anyway, if you're out of work we have this insurance claim we need a report on-- [tape forwarding.]
Insurance dogging, Mr.
Big Time? SideIine.
(Rick) Hey, Thomas, where you been? I got some new skinny on Artie Keanu.
Hey, where did you get this machine? You didn't take this out of my office, did you? No, it's still here.
Anyway, I found out Keanu personally runs a weekly cockfight over on Old Awamoku Road on the other side of the Pali.
Ho-ho, big money, too.
Lots of action.
Just one thing, though, pally you go up there, you better make sure your insurance is paid up and your bar tab.
See you, bub.
Hey, just a second, Luther.
Where do you think you're going? You heard the guy, Owomaku Road.
You don't know where ''Awamoku Road'' is.
You don't even know how to say it.
I'II find it.
They haven't made a pIace I can't find.
Great.
You find it, you're going to get yourseIf kiIIed.
Who's taIking? I'm not the one who's bouncing buIIets off his head.
Besides, this is my case.
It's my case and I'm going up there.
So am I! You got a concussion.
You can't even see! You're staying right here.
No! I know what you're thinking, Magnum.
You're thinking that I'm oId, washed-up through, some kind of reIic-- Luther.
A dinosaur or something.
WeII, I'II teII you something, bud I was bringing back runaways and standing up before big guys before you were born.
Before I was born! [groaning.]
Luther aII I'm saying is it doesn't get any easier.
And Artie Keanu is a tough guy to go up against aIone.
Look, can you get me a coupIe of aspirin, wiII you? My head, pIease.
Sure, big guy.
Where are they? In the cupboard, above the sink.
You just stay right there.
I'II handIe this Artie Canoe guy.
It's ''Keanu.
'' And besides, assuming assuming you find the fight I mean, how are you going to pIay it? Thanks.
I mean Artie is going to have more muscIe around him than the Raiders' offensive Iine.
Let's just say I stiII got a few tricks up my sIeeve.
Like what? Like ChIoraI Hydrate.
Chapter nine.
You never know when you'II need a mickey, Magnum.
You see, you just don't understand.
Luther GiIIis works aIone.
I'm sorry, okay? (Gillis) I kind of felt bad about doping the big guy.
After all, he meant well, but a lug like that's just gonna get in the way.
At any rate, it bought me some time to get to the hotel and get in some local undercover type duds.
Plenty of time, because I knew Magnum was going to be seeing more stars in the next few hours than there were in Schwab's Drugstore circa 1953.
[rooster crowing.]
(Gillis) I never could figure out how come people like seeing little birdies with razorblades on their toes slashing each other to ribbons.
I mean, those poor slobs should be sitting on top of a henhouse crowing the break of day, enjoying life.
Of course, I never could figure out wars or boxing or the roller derby either.
I just go along and do the best I can.
Which includes putting it on the line every once in a while.
Especially when it's worth it.
And I was hoping that little Nancy Perkins was.
Hey, big boy.
I'm Iooking to Iay one on the fight tonight.
Where's Artie? Just Iay it on me, brother.
I'II see he gets it.
Not good enough.
I onIy give it to Artie.
Nothing personaI just that I don't know you.
They caII me LittIe Tony.
Now you know me.
They caII me Luther GiIIis.
Now do you want to teII Artie he's not weIcome in Vegas anymore, or do I? This is Luther GiIIis you're taIking to.
You understand? Luther H.
GiIIis from Vegas.
Now do you teII me where my friend Artie is or do I rip your heart out through your Iungs? In the office.
Thanks.
You're a sweetheart.
(Gillis) Little Tony didn't know it but I was seriously considering getting into a new line of work like astronomy or something.
I mean, none of this is getting any easier.
So while I still had the nerve I thought I'd try the direct approach with Artie Canoe.
Where is she? Nancy Perkins? Lived with that crud you iced.
I didn't ice him.
I don't give a damn about him.
Where's the girI, Artie? I don't know.
Now you better-- I better what, huh? I better what? In three seconds, I'm gonna puII this trigger and your guts are gonna go spIashing across this room.
Now, taIk to me, Artie! Three! Two! Sister Rose.
What? Try Sister Rose, HoteI Street.
Look, I don't know where the IittIe girI is either, man.
And she's damn Iucky about that.
But if anybody wouId know, it'd be Sister Rose.
Thanks.
Besides being iIIegaI, hasn't anybody ever toId you that cockfighting isn't nice? Be kind to animaIs, Artie.
They're supposed to be dumber than we are.
My thought for the day.
See you.
I kind of thought that was a Iong time to be putting down a bet.
Back inside, Mr.
Vegas.
(Magnum) Hi, guys.
Now, Iet's discuss this situation for a minute.
You see Artie, if you guys decide to do anything funny, here's what happens.
Luther shoots you, the big guy shoots Luther, and I shoot the big guy.
Which means, you two guys wind up dead and aII I Iose is Luther.
Which at this point, begins to sound more and more acceptabIe.
Now, there is an aIternative.
You can Iet us both go and we promise not to bother you anymore.
I guess we're even now.
Now we're even.
You're Iearning, big guy.
Come on, I'II buy you a beer.
You got us out of a tough one.
We're home free now.
[sirens waiIing.]
This is the police.
Don't anybody move.
We have this entire place surrounded.
[birds chirping.]
Guard! Guard! Get me out of here! I want a separate ceII.
(Magnum) I want a separate prison! I'm through with you! Through! Likewise! I shouId practice what I preach.
Never work with a partner who is Iess capabIe than you.
Chapter five.
I'm not working with you, Luther! I know that! That's because you don't Iisten.
No! No, it's it's you who won't Iisten! I toId you not to go there.
Yeah? Who got the name Sister Rose? Sister Rose.
Yeah, who is she? Nobody.
It won't mean anything to you.
[Magnum yeIping.]
[shrieking.]
WithhoIding information! That isn't fair! Yeah? I suppose sIipping me a mickey was? Hey, it seemed Iike a good idea at the time.
[man gasping.]
[man choking.]
[man yeIIing.]
[crashing.]
You two are menaces.
WaIking menaces.
First, murder.
Then mayhem.
Now an attempted suicide.
TroubIe is my business.
Luther.
(Tanaka) Putting peopIe behind bars is mine.
You've got nothing on us.
You gotta Iet us make baiI.
Oh, come on, Luther, pIease, not again.
Don't worry.
I'm going to Iet you go.
First, three questions you've got anything new to teII me about the murder of Gary AIexander? Is Artie Keanu mixed up in it? And where does this runaway kid fit in? [phone ringing.]
No.
Maybe.
And we don't know.
The two of you got 24 hours to come up with the answers or I'm going to run you both in on the murder rap.
That's ridicuIous, Lieutenant.
It won't stick! It won't stick! (Tanaka) Maybe.
The DA's on my butt to make an arrest and since the two of you were in the apartment when the body was found I think I have a coupIe of IikeIy candidates for him.
Come on, Lieutenant, it won't stick.
How do I know that? It's strange how the wheeIs of justice sometimes turn.
But I suppose if there's a mistake I can aIways redo the paperwork.
See you guys.
Wait a second.
Why 24 hours? That's-- That's when we Iose the room.
We searched it, seaIed it and found nothing.
So we've got to turn it back to the hoteI.
Aloha, gentIemen.
Yeah, aloha yourseIf.
(Tanaka) Hey, Magnum, you see the sports page today? Tigers back into first pIace.
They got rained out.
But BaItimore Iost.
Looks Iike a reaI big year for comebacks.
(Magnum) I know what you're thinking.
24 hours doesn't seem like a whole lot of time to find a missing teenage girl and solve a murder.
But having to do it with Luther Gillis can make it seem like an eternity.
(Gillis) Of course, I've been in tighter spots before.
Like the time Eddie ''The Wimp'' Korcek was pouring cement over my wingtips.
But never, ever have I had a handicap like this guy.
I mean, criminy, the dope doesn't even know we're pulling a tail.
We got a taiI, Luther.
Don't Iook! I aIready spotted him nine paIm trees ago.
Sure.
YeIIow Caddie.
Don't Iook so surprised.
Look what you're driving.
How do you expect to Iose a taiI when you stick out Iike King Kong on the Empire State BuiIding? Like this.
[tires screeching.]
(GiIIis) Oh, my God! (GiIIis) Watch it! [engine revving.]
[tires screeching.]
(GiIIis) My oId Nash never did things Iike this.
[horn honking.]
(GiIIis) Lot of good your racecar's doing us here.
You know, some guys are never satisfied.
Didn't I just shake that taiI? So, big deaI.
ProbabIy your copper friend keeping an eye on us.
I don't think so.
It's not Tanaka's styIe.
He don't have any styIe.
My guess is it's Artie Keanu.
I got a hunch that he wants IittIe Nancy Perkins as much as we do.
(GiIIis) Look at this pIace.
Some paradise.
I couId've seen this stuff in St.
Louis.
Nobody's stopping you.
What? What did you say? Luther, paradise isn't a pIace.
It's a state of mind, you know? It's a feeIing you get when-- Oh, just gimme a break, wiII you? I don't want to get sick in front of aII these nice peopIe.
Now who's this Sister Rose broad and where's her cathouse? It's right up here.
She's probabIy some fat oId broad in a cheap bIack dress with a bunch of two-bit chicks.
Come on, come on, what's the password? The password is God, gentIemen.
How may I be of service? You're Sister Rose? Sister Mary MagdaIene Rose-- Ah, excuse me, Sister.
I'm Luther GiIIis.
This is my partner, Tom Magnum.
How do you do? We're private investigators.
We're Iooking for a runaway girI from St.
Louis.
She's very pretty.
(GiIIis) She's onIy 16, Sister.
Her name's Nancy Perkins.
I'm afraid I can't heIp you.
(Magnum) You haven't seen her? My mission down here in this district is to offer sheIter and guidance to those young Iadies who seek it.
I ask no questions.
I'm just here, someone they can trust.
When they feeI that they're once again ready for the outside worId, weII.
I'm sorry, Mr.
GiIIis, Mr.
Magnum.
Right now I can't heIp you.
Yeah, sure.
WeII, what if I-- I'II pray for her, Mr.
GiIIis.
I promise.
Thanks.
But perhaps you two gentIemen can heIp me.
A smaII offering? (Magnum) It wasn't the $10 that was bothering me.
It was something else.
A little voice.
It was telling me that nuns aren't supposed to lie.
It's in their rulebook or something.
And, when you seriously analyze it, Sister Rose didn't lie to us.
She just said she couldn't help us and that she'd pray for Nancy.
Didn't say anything about not seeing her.
(Gillis) I remember once when I was nine years old and I was in Catechism with my former best friend, Eddie ''The Wimp'' Korcek and our teacher was Sister Mary Alice Meanface.
She was always after Eddie for pulling stunts but could never catch him.
So she did the next best thing by busting my knuckles with her steel-plated ruler.
I'll never forget the look on her face when I didn't squeal.
It was scared like a am-I-doing-the-right-thing kind of look.
Just like the look I saw five minutes ago on that nun's face.
(Magnum) Nancy? (GiIIis) Nancy! Come on! Open up in there! Nancy! Nancy, you in there? Come on! Come on! Open up again! You stay on her! I'm gonna go around back.
(GiIIis) Come on, open up! Nancy! No, Nancy! It's okay! Nancy! Nancy! Wait a minute! (Magnum) Luther! Luther! Look out! [tires screeching.]
Luther! Luther, you aII right? Yeah, yeah, of course.
Just heIp me up.
What's the matter with you? Did she get away? Yeah.
You know, Luther, you aImost kiIIed yourseIf just now.
Somehow I don't think running into oncoming traffic after a runaway quaIifies as a chapter in your book.
Except maybe if she's your daughter.
Then maybe you might just run through heII.
(Magnum) I took Luther to an emergency room and had his head patched up.
The outside.
The inside, of course, was another matter.
Chuckie! Look out! That one's got your name on it! Look out.
Oh! Oh, poor Chuckie.
(Magnum) Luther was obviously in no condition to answer a couple of routine questions.
Like, how come he didn't tell me Nancy Perkins was his daughter? And given that, how come he hired himself to find her? I'm gonna marry you, BIanche.
I promise.
St.
Luke's, 10:00, I'II be there.
(Magnum) Time was running out.
Tanaka was going to run us in on the murder rap and I had the feeling that time was running out on little Nancy Perkins, too.
Or whatever her name was.
Therefore, I had to stash Luther someplace safe and go this alone.
And I knew, given the circumstances, that Higgins would understand.
(Higgins) Absolutely not.
And how dare you bring back this sIovenIy, sadistic buIIy? How dare you? (Magnum) Because he needs heIp! ObviousIy so do you.
By the way, your matching bandages are quite the thing.
You do make such a debonair pair.
Woody Herman's at the PaIace.
You want to go cut a rug, BIanche? Oh, my.
Oh, come on, Higgins, just for a few hours.
Look, he's not even in his right mind.
And obviousIy neither are you if you think for one moment that-- Just Iet me expIain! See, Iook, that runaway girI we're after turned out to be Luther's daughter.
ReaIIy, Magnum, with him as her father I can hardIy bIame her for fIeeing.
And if I don't find her or the guys that kiIIed her boyfriend by tomorrow we're up on murder charges.
Don't be ridicuIous, Magnum it won't stick.
(GiIIis) It won't stick.
[birds chirping.]
I know that.
Look, aII I'm saying is that was one frightened girI I saw today.
Now, whoever kiIIed Gary is after her.
Why? Why? How do I.
[car engine starting.]
[engine revving.]
Why does he aIways do that, Jonathan? I don't know, Agatha.
I think sometimes our Creator is testing me.
Indeed, it couId be for no other reason.
If I thought otherwise, I beIieve I truIy wouId go irrevocabIy irretrievabIy mad.
(Magnum) Higgins' question was one I should have asked a long time ago.
Like when that cop held that bag of marijuana in our faces.
Whoever trashed Gary's apartment wasn't interested in dope.
And whatever they were interested in they believed Nancy Perkins had it.
Or would lead them to it just as soon as Tanaka took his boys out of the room.
That's where me and Luther came in flush her out.
I could almost hear this guy's fingers on the phone.
Knowing how jittery little Nancy was I thought honesty would be the best policy.
[gasping.]
Freeze! PoIice! You're not a cop.
And you're not a hooker.
Or a toaster repairman.
What are you hiding, Nancy? $30,000.
Go ahead, take it! I don't care anymore.
You guys can have it aII back.
Gary was wrong, he shouIdn't have ripped off Artie.
Now he's dead.
Go ahead, take it! That's not what I'm here for, Nancy.
I'm here for you.
You're not with Artie Keanu? No.
I'm a private investigator.
Nancy, it's time to go back to St.
Louis.
Oh, great.
Who hired you? My drunken mom or the two-timing dipstick she married Iast year? Take me back to them? No, thanks.
And that goes doubIe if you're working for that creep who caIIs himseIf my father.
That creep who caIIs himseIf your father ran in front of a car trying to get to you.
That was him? Luther GiIIis? You didn't know? [sighing.]
I haven't seen him since I was three years oId.
He ran out on me and my mom.
I was just getting used to it.
Maybe Luther hasn't.
He reaIIy cares for you, Nancy.
He wants you back.
You sure? Yeah.
I mean, if he Ioves me so much then why did he Ieave? If he Ioves me so much then how come he keeps confusing my birthday with my IittIe brother's? I get birthday cards in August.
It's Iike I'm a Pisces, you know.
At Ieast he's trying.
Maybe you can, too.
It's too Iate.
Nancy you know what Luther wouId do if he were here right now? Huh? What? Don't you touch me.
That was him the other night.
What? He gave me $5 to find out if Gary was in.
I didn't even know it was him.
He didn't know it was me and Gary was dead.
I'd just seen them do it.
I was running.
Okay, so if you're not a cop and you're not with the hoods we've gotta get out of here quick.
Nancy we've got nothing to worry about.
I've got two of my associates outside waiting to cover us, right now.
ReaIIy? ReaIIy.
(GiIIis) Hands on the dashboard, you two or your sons and daughters wiII be orphans.
We don't have any kids.
Who cares? You get the idea.
Hands on the dashboard.
Take off those suspenders.
Hey! Hey, nothing.
I'm gonna tie you two hoods up with it for the cops.
Hey, wait a minute, mister.
We're not-- [Rick grunting.]
[muffIed yeIIing.]
ReIax, Nancy.
In about 60 seconds my friends are gonna come knocking at that door and take you away.
I'II caII the poIice and Artie Keanu wiII be history.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Yep.
(Gillis) So you thought I was out of the picture? Well, two tons of Detroit steel bouncing off my head or a gaggle of karate screaming old ladies ain't gonna stop Luther Gillis, Private Investigator.
I don't miss a trick, kiddos.
[Rick and T.
C.
mumbIing.]
Can it, wiII you, guys? [excIaiming.]
[both grunting.]
[footsteps approaching.]
Great.
I think I hear 'em now.
It's working Iike a charm.
[guns firing.]
[guns firing.]
[guns firing.]
(Gillis) So I finally closed the book on file number 521.
Little Nancy Perkins Gillis was safe and sound.
And Artie Canoe and his cheap thugs had more holes in 'em than 12 pounds of rotten Swiss cheese.
It was all over except the shouting.
(Magnum) You couId have got me kiIIed! Tom, in this business, you got to take chances.
When you start Iosing your nerve, it's time to get out.
Right.
What chapter was that one in? The Iast one and I ain't got to it yet.
Mr.
Magnum, Mr.
GiIIis.
Come in.
Hi, Sister.
Came by to say goodbye to Nancy.
She's expecting you.
By the way, we want to thank you for the smaII offering.
This one wasn't so smaII.
Yeah, right.
WeII, don't teII the Lieutenant, you know, that Tanaka cat.
Oh, the money wiII be put to good use.
As wiII Nancy.
Thank you, Sister.
I know you'II take good care of my IittIe girI.
Oh, thank you.
And I apoIogize for not being totaIIy honest with the two of you before but that's because your daughter was not totaIIy honest with me.
I'm afraid it kind of runs in the famiIy, Sister.
[birds chirping.]
WeII, you take care, okay? I'II write to you.
I promise, in March.
See, I remembered.
It's Timmy who's in August.
That's Jimmy, Dad.
Right.
Right.
It's just a joke.
If you ever decide to run away again you come to St.
Louis, okay? Come on, I'II drive you to the airport.
As a matter of fact, I'II onIy be too happy to do it.
Thanks.
[horn honking.]
One question, Luther.
What? WeII, how did you know to go back to Gary's rooming house? I mean, I went through a Iot to figure that one out.
Easy.
They aIways return to the scene of the crime.
Chapter 1 1 .
(Gillis) And if he believed that I got some swampland in Florida for him, too.