Malcolm in the Middle s03e02 Episode Script

Emancipation (2)

Leaving so soon, cadet? Sir, by statute 614 of the Alabama Legal Code I am officially emancipated and considered an adult.
An adult who no longer chooses to attend Marlin Academy.
I have copies of the documents if you want to see them again.
Oh, no need! I'm sure everything was done on the up and up.
But let me tell you something, cadet.
In all my years at this academy I have never had a student who was more bull headed, more committed to avoid learning at all costs.
A cadet who's constant byword was insubordination.
Thank you, cadet.
What? Before you came to this academy I was bored, uninspired, .
.
and this close to retiring.
But your insolence and stupidity have been the irritating grain of sand around which has formed the pearl of my renaissance.
I like me again.
Cadet! As a thanks I want you to have .
.
this.
Normally these are reserved for cadets who have distinguished themselves or whose parents have donated a building but you've left your mark here in your own way.
So, what the heck! Wow! Sir, this is great.
Farewell, cadet.
Thank you so much.
Careful that's razor # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # Normally I dread the first day of school.
Mum's been on such a rampage about Francis it's a relief be here.
Thank God .
.
summer's over.
Hello, babies.
How's baby school, babies? Didn't high school start a half hour ago? If I'm on time they'll expect it every day.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Hi, Reese.
This is Gus.
He's in the lead to replace you as school bully.
He gives a wedgie that'll knock your socks off.
I'm not just saying that cos he's got me in a head lock.
Grab your wrist and stave your fingers.
You'll get better leverage.
You listen to him.
He's the man.
I've completed the research on our new teacher if anyone's interested.
Lionel Herkabe.
Born July 8th, 1963.
Parents, John and Ida.
Notice anything? He was a Krelboyne.
We won't have to talk down to him.
Finally, someone who knows our pain.
Bentley.
Gifted High.
Princeton.
Harvard Business.
Why's he teaching? Well, there was some unpleasantness.
He quit a government think tank to start a dot.
com.
(ALL GROAN) One time net worth 200 million.
Now 137 dollars.
(GASPS) Here he comes! Here he comes! Who's Dabney? Me, sir.
I took the liberty of ordering you a decaf soy latte.
Let me guess.
Emotionally needy.
Closet bed-wetter.
You get no affection at home so you'll be seeking it from me.
Look elsewhere, son.
Who's the anal-retentive outsider .
.
with repressed matricidal tendencies? Yo, sir! Me, sir! Please, stop.
As you may or may not know I was once one of you, a Krelboyne.
And I'm sure I would have made the same lame attempt to ingratiate myself to the new soft-headed thick-wit teaching my class.
I've been there.
I've been coddled and preened.
"Oh, you're a genius.
" "You can do anything you set your mind to.
It must be easy being you.
" Well, bull! (ALL GASP) All that gets you is an ex-wife and 14 million dollars in debt.
I won't let you fall into the trap society has set for you.
Playtime is over, children! You've had a free ride so far.
It's time somebody challenged you, tested your mental limits! I don't have a teaching certificate from a two-year community college like most of the people I said hello to this morning in the teachers lounge but I'll muddle through with my double doctorate from Harvard.
This is a test! Correct.
You have 20 minutes.
There are six essay questions.
I'm sorry, I thought this was the gifted class.
Begin! Thanks for the ride.
Are you sure about this Alaska thing? Absolutely.
I heard Alaska's a hole.
Are you kidding? Cruise ships go there! For six weeks in the summer.
Isn't it dark the rest of the year? I don't have to justify myself to you or anyone.
That's why I got emancipated, OK? OK.
Good luck with your parents.
Well, they had a week to think about it.
Let's see how they take it.
(DOOR SLAMS) You! You! You ungrateful son of a This wasn't meant to hurt you! All I'm saying is you can get your diploma first then do what you want.
It's all about maximising your options.
Take in the long view.
(WINCES) Sorry about the closer.
Nonsense.
I wouldn't have taught you if I didn't want you to use it.
What do I always say? The nards are fair game.
The nards are fair game! Sometimes you're presented with an opportunity you can't pass up.
Understand? I'm not the one to worry about.
I know.
I wanna get this straight with mom.
That's why I came here.
OK, then.
Honey! Your son has something to say to you.
Huh! I didn't know the Henderson's painted their house.
(BELL RINGS) I have your test results.
You all got A's.
But, since this is the gifted class, I also factored in .
.
cogency of argument, economy of language and penmanship, which enabled me to do this.
What is that? A ranking board.
I thought you said we all got A's.
Oh, you did.
But some of you got better A's than others.
But we all still have A's? Of course.
So, er, what does being number one get you? Nothing! Just the knowledge that you are number one.
Or that you are not number one.
Yes, number five? It's Dabney, sir.
I know.
What is it number five? I forgot.
What a jerk.
Is that what we're gonna turn out like? If I ever start acting like that you have to promise to kill me.
No! No more death pacts.
Don't worry about it.
The only way that stupid board can have an effect on us is if we let it.
Those numbers mean nothing.
What are you doing? Nothing! You were studying? No, I wasn't.
My book just fell open at this page.
You know I'm really not hungry.
I think I left my recess stuff in my locker.
My God! High school is awesome! They have an entire room for detention.
They put you in with juniors and seniors.
Some of them have records.
It's really inspiring.
What are you looking at? Francis.
He's still out there? Yeah, he's eating out of the bird-feeder.
Who's shoes are these? Who left their shoes in the living-room? They're mine.
Sorry.
You're right, you're sorry! Leaving your shoes around like you don't care! I hope you like walking to school in your socks! I said sorry.
I've heard sorry before! I don't think so.
OK.
I tell you what we're gonna do.
From now on when you wanna wear shoes you check them out.
Sign them in.
Sign them out.
Just like a library.
Clean up those toys! (KNOCK ON DOOR) (PANTS) Oh! Oh, thanks.
It's freezing.
It's good to see you.
I've missed you.
Ow! What's that for?! Emancipation? What, you're divorcing the family now? How could you do this to mom? She left me no choice.
Ow! We've done a lot of bad things to mom but we've never abandoned her.
I'm not abandoning her! I'm just going to Alaska! That's 5,000 miles away! It is not 5,000 miles? Are you serious? Oh, my God! It's gonna take me forever to get up there! Then, don't go.
Guys, I'm not doing this to hurt anybody, I just I really think this is my best chance to make something of myself.
Tell it to mom.
I can't.
She won't talk to me.
She's being so immature.
In the meantime I'm stuck outside in the freezing cold.
Hey, would it be alright if I slept in here tonight? You do like your whites, don't you? Of course.
But look! It's grey.
And look at this.
This stain's been washed in.
If you want really white whites, try Vanish Oxi Action Crystal White.
One scoop and you see the difference in just one wash.
Look what it's doing in your machine.
Drop your stain over this.
Look at it go! This is good! And it's perfect for all your washable whites.
She was right.
Vanish Oxi Action Crystal White.
Certainly the whale represents the search for God.
But that could be limiting.
We could say it was the search for the self.
Melville could be considered a pre-existentialist.
You can't deny the whale could be the search for truth which has been a theme throughout his whole oeuvre.
You can't overlook the fact that it is a whale which was the biggest industry in the 19th century.
The oil was used in lamps, soaps and even cosmetics.
Today whaling is outlawed but many Aleutian islanders are legally allowed to harvest whales for .
.
ritual purposes.
But I digress! (SOBS) Wow! Nine places.
That's gotta be a record.
OK, on to new business.
This Friday Principal Littledove will be dropping by for an evaluation.
I think he'll be very impressed with what he sees.
I don't think he'll understand it but his tiny brain will have the dim perception of the progress you can make when students are properly motivated.
(SOBS) Now, who would like to sink their teeth into some Bernoulli equations? Come on, guys.
If we don't let the rankings get to us they mean nothing! Easy for you to say, number one.
I have a name! We all have names! Oh, my God! I can't remember mine! This is ridiculous! School used to be the one place where you were happy and Herkabe has taken that away from you.
That stupid board is ruining our lives! We can't let him do that! What choice do we have? We have the choice that people have had for centuries.
We can choose to fail.
Like the French? You mean we take .
.
today's test? No, we don't take it .
.
we nuke it! Every answer wrong! No complete sentences! No punctuation! And we use number three pencils.
(ALL GASP) You can't rank zeroes.
Brilliant! He'll have no choice but to throw out his system.
We'll be free! (ALL CHEER) I'm very disappointed in you.
Everyone else, nice job.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I tried.
My hand wouldn't let me.
I regret nothing! Interesting gambit but the lemmings didn't follow you off the cliff.
When you spend some time in the real world you realise you can't fight the system.
And now, .
.
I'm the system.
(SIGHS) Don't worry, I just let the air out.
We can talk while I put on your spare.
I'm sorry I had to resort to this but you have to give me five minutes so we can talk.
(LOUD MUSIC) We can talk over the music.
You can't drive on a flat! You're gonna ruin your rims! That was a red light! You might want to notice my entire opening paragraph is a palindrome.
You might want to notice my formatting.
What's this? Irrigation techniques of pre Roman society and how they helped advance western civilisation.
I thought we were just studying Mesopotamian farming.
We were.
I used that as a start on how their influences spread through the Egyptians, the Carthaginians, through the whole ancient world.
I think you'll be happy with this.
Very nice, number 12.
It's nice to see a little effort put forth while some are content to do the absolute minimum.
So, he wants .
.
to play.
Ho-ho, we'll play, alright.
What is it we're playing? # "Pump It Up" - Elvis Costello # I've been on tenterhooks # Ending in dirty looks # Listening to the muzak # Thinking about this and that # She'll say that's that # I don't want to chitter-chat # Turn it down a little bit # Or turn it down flat Pump it up # When you don't really need it # Pump it up Until you can feel it # Hey! # Pump it up # Until you can feel it # Pump it up When you don't really need it # Don't really need it # Don't really need it # OK.
I think we're ready to show Principal Littledove what motivation can accomplish.
Well done, class.
You know, maybe we should just put our heads down and take a rest for a moment, shall we? Yes? Did you know I can count to a million by prime numbers? I can, too! So can I! It's easy! That's not necessary.
Two, three Five, seven Now by hundreds.
101, 211, 307 Seven! No! That is enough! No! Where are you going, number three? It's hot! It's hot and I'm stupid! I'm stupid, too! Everybody please remain seated! (SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY) I'm nothing! I'm invisible! (WHISTLES) Boy, that's quite a show for your first week here.
You were right.
You can't beat the system.
But you sure can break it.
I love you guys.
I'll write you when I get there, OK? Someday when you come back and you're unemployed and have no place to live, .
.
you can come stay at my castle.
Thanks, bud.
He's leaving.
He just wants to talk to you.
Just hear him out.
Lois! This has got to stop! He's going very far away and you're not gonna see him for a long time.
Honey, there are moments in life that you just don't get back .
.
and I know you.
If you do not deal with this now it will haunt you for ever.
Fine.
I've lost a son but gained a baby.
I tried.
I know.
Are you sure this is what you want? Well, it better be.
< Francis.
I'm listening.
This is what you get for the way you treated me! I'm going to Alaska and you'll be left without a son! And the way you treated me is now a matter of public record! I treated you?! I've sacrificed for you and you've caused us nothing but pain! You want pain? I've got your scars, baby! Three years in that school - We went without for that school! Oh! Maybe I should thank you? Thank you for making my life hell! Living hell? You've been a problem since you were born! I'm outta here! p