Malcolm in the Middle s03e03 Episode Script

Book Club

What are you doing? We've started showering in gym class.
# Yes, no # Maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # (BELCHES) Could you pass the peas, please? (ALL LAUGH) (BELCHES) Thank you.
(ALL LAUGH) (BELCHES) You're welcome.
(ALL LAUGH) Hal? (BELCHES) Alright, boys.
That's enough.
(ALL LAUGH) (FARTS) (ALL LAUGH) For once could we have a civilised conversation during dinner free of sound effects? It's not asking too much for us to have some nice dinner conversation.
Malcolm, how was school? History class was cool.
Tell us about it.
Jimmy Perkins kicked the crap out of Fred Nason.
He beat up Fred Nason? He's huge! Fred knocked Jimmy's hat off and Jimmy punched him in the face five times in a row in a second! Fred fell and he started hitting him.
It was way cool! Jimmy Perkins is crazy.
I told you, crazy beats big every time.
(FARTS) (ALL LAUGH HYSTERICALLY) So, how was your day, dear? Hey, how's Alaska? Where are you? You were meant to be here already! No-one will pick me up, I ran out of money and had to work for a week.
There's a serial killer loose in Idaho who looks just like me.
I don't know how much longer they'll hold the job.
"I'm almost there!" Do I take the provincial highway 99 or the 27 to provincial highway 12? What?! I'm near to British Columbia.
I'm in Bellingham, Washington.
Francis, you're 2,000 miles away! What?! No way! I've just exchanged all my money for Alaskan dollars! There's no such thing as Alaskan dollars! Sir! Are you almost finished with that? What have you got in mind? Will you watch the boys next Tuesday night? I've joined a book club.
You don't wanna do that.
I joined a record club.
They hounded me for years.
It's not that sort of club.
This is women from school.
Adults discussing books.
Oh.
I live in a house filled with boys.
I listen to boy talk and boy noises.
I need to spend some time with females.
Mmm-hmm.
When I see them they invite me to do things and I never go.
Yeah? I need to do this for my sanity.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Yes! Yes.
Are you even listening to me? Of course I am.
Here's what I think.
It's a great idea.
It's about time you did something like this.
You have a brilliant and beautiful mind that needs challenging.
I hope those women can keep up with you.
Make a wish.
I left the phone number on the counter.
The dishes are in the sink.
The batteries from the remote are in the smoke alarm.
Just for tonight! Will you relax, honey? You're off the clock! This is your night out! Just enjoy yourself, huh? Yeah, Mom.
Stop worrying.
Have fun.
Take the garbage cans to the kerb tonight.
Stop worrying! Go have some fun! Now? No, let's let Mom get a few blocks away.
Right.
This could be a trick.
What are you talking about? We've got fireworks buried outside.
We'll dig them up while Mom's gone.
Tracy Hines is having a party.
We're not invited.
Our justice will be swift but fair.
We'll be fine! 'I don't want to screw this up.
' 'Lois needs time to herself.
She deserves a night out.
' 'She'll have fun and will come home happy.
' 'I just have to keep the boys under control.
What am I talking about?' 'They're good kids.
What am I talking about? They're monsters!' 'They'll destroy everything and then ruin Lois's night! Then she'll feel like we can't be trusted on our own! She'll never want a night out again and it will all be my fault!' We're going out back.
You're not going anywhere! Stay in your room all night with the door shut! Now go! Go! Hmmm! This cheddar is wonderful! It is good.
So, I really liked the book! Really? Oh, Karen, let's have some more wine! The voice of the narrator was shifted from character to character.
Oh, I'll just have to take your word on that.
I didn't read the book.
Oh, was anyone else confused by those flashbacks? Am I the only one who read the book? Actually, Lois, we don't make it mandatory to read the book.
What? I mean, we're all busy.
That shouldn't prevent us from enjoying a relaxing evening once in a while.
Lois, don't you feel you deserve one night away from the bickering, the yelling and the TV blaring? Away from all the stupid little problems that can't seem to be solved without you? A little more.
Thank you! Thank you for stopping! I'm glad to.
The name's Roy.
Francis.
It's freezing! I've been standing there for six hours! People were flipping me off as they drove by.
Why would they do that? How far are you going? Mamu.
I'm going to Green River.
I can take you almost the whole way.
Really? It's taken me the last 3 days to get 20 miles! Thank you.
You OK? Yeah, it's just people aren't very nice! You want some coffee? (SOBS) Yes! My Mom and I were screaming at each other.
She's finding time to tell the cab driver which route to take! She's a control freak! She sounds like she's afraid.
What would my mom have to be afraid of? If she doesn't control every aspect of her life or the lives of the ones she cares about that horrible things will happen.
What horrible things? Her oldest son moving 5,000 miles away from her.
Alright, you got me there.
You're pretty smart.
I'm on the road 18 hours a day.
Gives me a lot of time to think about things, people, why they do the things they do.
I'm a wannabe psychiatrist.
I'm glad to be out.
I've got a line that I won't cross.
If anybody tries to push me across it, I'm gone.
Everybody's got a line.
But what's interesting is everyone's line is different.
It moves.
Look at your situation here.
It is freezing cold, there's no other cars on the road Hypothetically, if I said put on a curly red wig or I'll throw you out, are you gonna go back out into the cold? That's ridiculous! You can't use a silly example You're kidding? OK! You haven't made a sound in half an hour! What's going on in here? Nothing.
I expect perfect behaviour tonight.
If you try anything, ANYTHING AT ALL, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick! 'Good.
You sent them a message.
Fired the shot across their bow.
' 'Now they know who's in charge!' Maybe I was too harsh.
If the boys push back they might do something ten times worse and spoil everything for Lois! 'Don't go soft!' 'All these boys understand is the iron fist!' No, I need to get them on my side! Dewey, be lookout while we dig up the fireworks.
What's going on with Dad? Maybe he's dealing with something at work.
I hope he'll be OK.
At his age carrying around that tension can't be good for you.
Oh! Dad's here! Who wants ice cream? I come home after work after a ten-hour shift and I see my boys and they're covered with grass and paint and all they can say is, "Where's dinner?" (ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT) Too much is expected of us.
Our society is just so screwed up.
pick something and go with it.
A housewife, a career woman, sex slave.
But now you're supposed to do everything and it's impossible! Unless you're Lillian Miller.
(ALL) Yeah! If it weren't for me my family would be living in trees, eating berries.
Do they appreciate what I do for them? Nooooo! Lillian's family surprised her with a trip to Spain! No kidding! I discovered a two-inch-long hair growing out of my shoulder.
How long has it been there? I don't have time to put myself right in the morning.
Lillian Miller brought 20 home-made cakes to the school-bake sale.
I had those! They were delicious! The woman just cooks like a god but she never puts on a pound! You can't be 45 and still be a size 2! Those are sizes for children! And Lillian! Ladies, I just realised something.
Society isn't making us miserable.
Hell, we're society! (ALL CHEER IN AGREEMENT) No, no! Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight-assed overachieving marathon-running master chef .
.
Lillian Miller! # Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous # Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous # She got the palm and the croix de guerre # For washing soldiers' underwear # Inky dinky, parlez-vous # Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What? It's hinky dinky parlez-vous.
That's what I said.
You said inky dinky.
You've got to start over.
I'm not starting over.
It's freezing! I can barely feel my lips! # Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous Parlez- # Thanks for the ice-cream, Dad.
You're welcome, Dewey.
Don't worry about this mess.
I'll take care of it.
Just sit there and relax.
Alright, what the hell is going on? I think he's feeling guilty about something.
Maybe we can exploit it! How? Send Dewey in there crying about the train Mom put in the attic.
Mom didn't put a train in the attic.
Exactly! When he's up there, we can dig up the fireworks.
Dewey, we need you to cry.
It's gotta be the right kind of crying.
Not sobbing, more of a penetrating whining sound.
Give me a moment.
OK, that was a good idea.
They're happy.
I've got them motivated to behave themselves and Lois is gonna see that I can handle them without her.
'Are you kidding? You've gone soft!' 'You've totally lost their respect.
Lois isn't gonna like this!' Come on! They're under control.
'What if they aren't? What if they're pretending to behave so they can set you up?' (CRASHING) Occupy them.
Keep them busy so they don't have time to get in trouble.
How am I gonna keep them busy? You better find a way.
(CRYING) > Dad, Dewey really wants you - Boys! Let's spend a little time together.
We can I know! We can do some callisthenics! What?! You boys love to exercise! But I just ate a ton of ice cream.
You are starting to get a little flabby.
(CHUCKLES) I'm too full.
When you start moving you'll feel better! Let's go! One.
Two.
One.
Two.
One.
Two.
One.
Two.
Stupid! Stupid! It was a terrible idea! It was a great idea! A great idea poorly executed.
Terrible idea.
Terrible execution.
Why don't you just lock them in the bathroom until Lois gets home? Look at that house.
It's perfect! No, no, no! We didn't come here for a mindless vandalism.
We came to screw up her car! See how she feels when she's late for car pool like a real person! She probably won't even be able to get out of bed on a morning! This time next year she's gonna be living in a trailer with little ceramic donkey in the front yard.
(ALL GIGGLE DRUNKENLY) Shhh! Shhh! Whoopsy! Whoops! Will you shhh?! She's wearing pearls to make cookies?! (Doilies!) (What kind of a monster is this woman?) Oh, God! Those cookies smell good! Let's kill her and eat them! (Karen, why don't you go stand guard?) (Come on!) Quick! (ALL GIGGLE DRUNKENLY) (STIFLED DRUNKEN GIGGLING) Oh, one of us should probably know something about cars.
It doesn't matter! Just pull some of the wires! Let's get out of here! (WILD CACKLING) Karen! Karen! You've gotta stop! Karen! You've gotta settle down! Whoa! Whoa! Karen, why don't you see if you can say the alphabet backward? Z, y, x, w, v, u, t, s, r, q, p, o, m, n, l, k, j, i, h, g, f, e, d, c, b, a! (GIGGLES) I've been pulled over a few times.
Hey! Lillian's gone! What do you mean, gone? RUN! (ALL SCREAM) (ALL CONTINUE TO SCREAM) It's a pointless exercise! You haven't proven a thing.
You haven't determined what my limits are.
This hasn't bothered me and if you think it has, the joke is on you! Clench.
"(INDISTINCT) .
.
10-31 and 6-42, That's the third time he drove down that alley! He knows we're in here! This is gross! I can't believe I'm wearing open-toed shoes.
(SOBS) I can't believe I'm hiding from the cops in a dumpster! I just wanted to talk about books.
Oh, and it was such a good book, too! The first shadowing was effective without being heavy-handed.
The characters were flawed but compelling and the entire story was brimming with insight into the character's condition! But how did you find time to read it? Your family sounds so horrible! I was lying! I made all that stuff up so that I would fit in! They're wonderful! I mean, they're idiots! But at least they try.
I wanted it to be the happiest night! Look what I did with it! What are you doing? You'll see.
Go home to your family and hug them for me.
They sound wonderful! Hey, piggy! Over here! Here, piggy, piggy, piggy! < Come on, show me what you got! < I'm supposed to be afraid of an electric shaver?! < (BUZZING) Aaaaarh! (THUMP!) ".
.
lighter than most minerals.
" Why is he making us watch this about salt? Would you rather be locked in the bathroom? Or chased by the monster? Do something! I'm trying! Every time we make a move he's ahead of us.
He's impossible to predict! With Mom you get a little consistency.
Dad's operating on a whole other plane.
(SIGHS) Hey, you put salt on French fries! Ground them! Cut off their food supply! They just need love! Give them the belt! (ALL JEER) Make them fear you! These are precious years! Get in the car and go.
(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) SHUT UP! OK, that's it.
I am going to take a bath.
I'm asking you boys one last time to behave.
Not for me but for your mother.
After all she does for you one night of peace shouldn't be too much to ask for.
So if you love her, you will do this for her.
Wow, I've never had anyone empty the box before! I'm outta props! I was bored with your experiment at first but I admit, I learned a lot about myself.
Who am I to judge people for the choices they make? From now on I'm gonna be a bit more understanding and a lot more humble.
Wanna stop for some dinner? What, like this? Sure! Why not like this? Have you thought about writing a book? I'm sure - Hey, Merna! What time's the pageant? Fluffy's collar? Mom said he ran away! Get out of there, Dewey! (CHUCKLES) Tracy should have invited us! This is what you get for being rude.
We'll hide these in the closet, then we'll cover up the hole and by the time Mom's home, we'll be sleeping.
Boys! FIREWORKS?! FIREWORKS?! Omph! How did she? I don't know! You boys are in so much trouble! I can't leave you alone for a second! Next time I'll chain you to the floor! We tell you to behave - you don't even pretend to listen! You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in trash! You are grounded for the next month! "Get down on the ground with your hands behind your head.
" While you're being punished I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff because you won't be doing any of it! You are gonna suffer! I should get out there.
Nah, you'll just screw it up.
Good call.
'(CONTINUES TO SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)'