Malcolm in the Middle s03e09 Episode Script

Reese's Job

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Where did you come from, flubber? "Hello, Hal.
" # I'm so full of bacon, my body's meant for shakin' (MAKES DRUM-BEAT NOISES) # And when I start to wiggle, my nipples, they will jiggle # (MAKES WHOOPING NOISES) Once again I have to be embarrassed for the both of us.
Yep! # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # Go straight to your job after school.
I don't want you to be late on your first day.
And no excuses! I don't wanna hear, "A lion escaped from the zoo", or, "The bus driver went insane and refused to stop.
" Francis's friend gave Reese a job at the Circus Burger.
It's perfect.
Reese gets to be bossed around all day by the only guy on the planet that's dumber than he is.
This job is stupid! You do get to wear a paper hat.
You wanna drive, you have to pay your own insurance! Everyone else is insured! Why me? They've got it covered.
Son, it's not as simple as that.
You see Good morning, everybody! Say good morning, Charlie.
Show everyone how alive you are.
My parents made a deal with Dewey.
If he keeps his goldfish alive for two months, he gets a dog.
Am I doing a good job? You sure are.
(How is that fish still alive?) (I don't know! He never feeds it.
He leaves it in the sun for hours.
) Last week there was banana in it! I do not want a dog! If the fish lives, there's nothing we can do! Hal, I expect you to take care of this.
What are you suggesting? I'm not suggesting anything.
I just want it taken care of.
Class, today we begin a new round of independent study projects.
Hydrostatic equilibrium? My God, I'm still on integral quantisation.
My stepdad's right.
I'm useless! The cold, hard fact of life is some are more advanced than others.
Some even think they're more advanced than me.
I never said that.
Yet you assume I'm talking about you.
You're looking right at me! You're convinced, by virtue of you being in this class, your intellects tower above the plebeians wasting oxygen in the rest of the school.
But, to some, you are nothing more than howling primates.
I'm excited to announce we're welcoming to our class a new student.
A young man of unparalleled intellect.
As near as we can measure, his IQ is over 280.
(ALL GASP) Those tests are culturally biased! Think what you will.
Your petty fears no longer concern me.
I finally have the mental clay worthy of my sculpting.
Barton is a white-hot comet of brilliance, blazing through our dark corner of ignorance.
A mind of unfathomable reach and enormous power.
Can I come in now? I told you to wait till you heard, "A new era for man.
" But there's a bee out there.
So, assistant manager.
How? INS raid cleaned us out.
So, from 12 to 5, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, this is my domain.
I'm proof you don't need to graduate high school.
That's just propaganda from those money-grabbing diploma companies.
Sean, Doug, this is Reese.
Hey.
Hey.
OK.
Press cow for burger, potato for fries.
I'm not sure what this is.
Does that look like a pig or a dog to you? Wouldn't it be easier to put words on the keys? Ah, a man of letters.
A word to the wise.
I wouldn't throw that in anyone's face.
Once you get your total put the money in the drawer, except pocket transactions.
What's that? A morale builder.
Once in a while take 5 or 10 bucks.
Don't ring it up, put it in your pocket.
You don't have a problem with that, do you? Oh, no.
That's cool.
You've entered the working world.
A world of adult responsibility.
I have her locker key.
If you wanna smell her jacket later, let me know.
They found the last piece of that guy.
Oh, man! If we're sharing toilet paper, can we keep it on the spindle? If we're bringing this kinda stuff up, my fiancee's coming Thursday.
Fiancee? What are you taking about? I'm engaged.
I'm tired of playing the field.
You don't know any women.
That occurred to me, too, so I ordered one from Russia.
A mail-order bride? That exists? In the more irradiated parts of Russia there are lots of marriage-minded women.
That's my darling Svetlana.
Wait a second.
Yep.
Svetlana.
How come you're driving us to school? That's what moms do sometimes.
(MOUTHS) Argh! OK, you know your Tolstoy and your Eliot Let's see how you do with the Bard.
"Every true man's apparel fits your thief.
" Measure For Measure, Act 4, Scene 2.
Could you hand me my green crayon? Wow, he's right again.
OK, let's try Chaucer's The Shipman's Tale.
Should I start with the prologue? Please.
How about line 203? "When your husband has gone off to Flanders, I shall deliver you from fear of slanders, and on the word he caught her by the flanks and clasped her closely, giving her a riot of kisses, saying softly, 'Keep things quiet'" What are you doing? (ALL GASP) Chaucer? I cannot believe you're polluting his mind with such pop culture drivel! I apologise for them, Barton.
I'll do everything I can to minimise these annoying distractions so you can concentrate on the accelerated programme I've laid out for you.
Together we are gonna astonish the world.
Would you like a pixie stick? Thank you.
Having problems, Malcolm? No, no, not you(!) This stupid hydrostatic equilibrium doesn't make sense! It is hard.
But don't despair.
I'm here for you.
I'll make sure you get the help you deserve.
To estimate the pressure at the sun's centre, assume a constant density of 1.
41 grams per cubic cm.
Too fast? Herkabe made you my tutor to humiliate me.
I thought it was to humiliate me.
Why is this so hard?! Don't give up.
Remember The Little Engine That Could? You're not listening! I get everything! There is nothing I haven't been able to master.
I took algebra in 6th grade! I rebuilt dad's transmission when I was five! I read before I could walk! I remember my own birth.
What?! D'you know your heart stops during your mother's contractions? You seriously remember that? Worst was the diaper changing.
That was the most degrading week of my life.
So, what's it like in there? Whaddya mean? Well, your brain? For me it's like, when I'm thinking really hard, my brain starts making all these connections.
Those connections make other connections, then it feels like a bomb's going off.
Is yours like that? More like a beehive.
And every bee has a brain like yours.
OK, ready! That is so cool! I wish you had a gun so we can really test this out.
Excuse me.
Can I get some help here? Hi, Greg.
I overheard your mom talking and it's true.
You've got a job.
I applied here once.
Didn't get it.
It's all politics.
I guess.
Whaddya want? You to listen carefully.
My blood sugar's low so I don't wanna burn up calories repeating myself.
I want the jumbo clown burger with fries, no pickles, a slice of onion, centre cut, and extra tomatoes.
Do the patie well on one side, medium on the other.
Make sure they open a fresh package for my bun.
If it's stale I bale.
Seriously.
That comes to $5.
45 and you get free refills on the soda.
Heard that one before.
Turns out it's just for today.
What a sack! That's a pocket transaction if I ever saw one.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
.
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(ALL TALK AT ONCE) Artie, you throw one helluva bachelor party.
I'm just sorry the nearest stripper's 300 miles away.
Hey, how's she doin' anyway? She took her top off! (ALL CHEER) Listen up! I'd like to say a few words about my mate Pete, on account of his upcoming nuptials.
Many's the time, when I've been feeling low, I always knew I could turn to Pete.
He'd be lying on his bunk, trimming his beard with a lighter, and I'd think, "Hell, I'm better than that.
" To Pete and his lucky lady! (ALL CHEER) What's with you? What are we celebrating? It seems wrong.
If he wants to marry a stranger, that's his business.
Is anyone thinking about this woman? I'm trying to keep a stripper in my head.
Think about it.
She's gonna spend her life here with Pete as her husband.
What poor creature would go through with this? Maybe her life's pretty awful.
Worse than this? Does she live in a slaughterhouse? Get dragged to work by horses? She's no idea what she's getting into.
You're exaggerating.
It might work out fine.
(ALL CHEER) How's business? Where were you? I was meant to be home for dinner but only you can cash me out.
Stay on my good side.
One day somebody'll have to clean the bathrooms.
Whoa, this is uncool.
You can't take this much money.
Whaddya mean? Your till is over $400 short.
Look.
The point is to take five or ten bucks.
That's it.
Put the 400 back.
I didn't take it.
Honest.
It's your register.
Did he give his register key to anyone? No.
I didn't take any.
I never even did a pocket transaction.
I saw you yesterday.
I wanted it to look like that.
When you weren't looking I put it back.
You didn't see it cos I was being sneaky.
Nice.
Way to screw it up for us.
I didn't take it! I'm not coverin' for you.
When the owner checks the books tomorrow, that money better be here or you're going down.
The change from apparent to absolute magnitude.
The formula is .
.
A over B times K over D.
That's if K is How do they expect you to learn formulas? Use a mnemonic device, like Enephru, Babashar, Kalar, Dastrer.
Abalonian kings, Third Dynasty.
Stop complaining.
I have homework, too.
Ah, it's a butterfly.
You gotta help me.
What's goin' on? It's horrible.
$400 is missing from my register and they think I took it.
Well, did you? No, of course not! I'm Barton.
Who's this dork? My tutor.
You're kiddin'! When I need you to be a genius I find you've been faking it.
Calm down.
How did this happen? I dunno.
My register didn't total.
Who was there? Everyone.
Me, Sean, Greta, Richie.
Richie? Why didn't you say so? Whaddya mean? He's setting you up.
How do you know? Because it's Richie! C'mon! Wanna learn about the real world? Not really.
Too bad.
You're coming.
Dewey, cover for us.
Make sure it sounds like we're all still here.
Got it.
Ow! Stop it! You shut up! Stupid creeps! Ow! (Did you get it?) Yes, I got it.
Pet store owner said it was already dead, but I suspect the worst.
Switch them tonight when Dewey's sleeping.
It seems so sneaky and underhanded.
What kind of example are we setting for the boys? Stop worrying.
The boys are fine.
Did you get the money? Yeah, you'd like another 400, wouldn't you? What are you talking about? Wow! An entire colony of parasitica.
Get your own pizza, Dewey.
His name's not Dewey.
How come you had me call him that all these years? We know you took the money and you're pinning it on Reese.
After everything my brother's done for you! All the alibis, handouts, all the times he's helped you fake your death! Whoa! I wasn't there today.
I only came in to cash out.
You were there.
I had a break at 4:30.
You coulda snuck in then and taken it.
Yeah You wanna play innocent? Fine.
We'll just let the police decide.
Whoa! What makes you think they'll take your side? Maybe cos you've been arrested Excuse me, one of those was for arson.
You're making a big mistake.
No, I'm not! Yes, you are! No, I'm not! Yes, you are.
He didn't do it.
This citation says he was stopped at 4:20 at 18th and Wilson for urinating from a moving vehicle.
So? The Circus Burger is on Walnut, which is at least 25 miles away.
He couldn't have been there during Reese's break.
If the traffic was light.
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And if a '78 Bonneville could go 300 mph.
Otherwise, it's impossible.
Hey, way to go, Dewey! Let me see that.
Is he right? Yes.
He's always right.
Sorry, Richie.
Come on, Reese, let's go.
But I swear to God, I didn't take the money! We still have a few hours.
Maybe we can figure I got the DVD player but we need to steal another 600 if you want the surround .
.
sound.
You may wanna hang on to that receipt.
I can't believe you lied! Let's call the cops! Maybe we could figure out a deal? Whatever you want, it's yours.
We get to use your place for a party any time we want.
Free burgers for life.
I get to make out with your girlfriend.
Forget it! Alright, the bean bag chair.
Wow! Pete, is that really you? No, it's a reflection.
You can give these to Svetlana.
Eric and Artie should be back any minute with your bride.
I gotta be honest, I'm nervous.
You are about to marry a stranger.
Have you really thought about what you're doing? I've been thinking about settling down for a long time.
But you don't know anything about her.
What if she thinks What if she doesn't like you? I'd be sad but I'd reassure her I'd support her anyway, cos I made that commitment.
I'd spend the rest of my life being sweet to her.
And also changing her mind.
Well, good luck, Pete.
Thanks.
Svetlana's here, and she is gorgeous! (BOTH LAUGH) I must've misread the catalogue.
Just look how light on her feet she is.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Pete Just get that thing outta here! I'll take care of it.
I got it.
Why you? Cos I signed for it! (CAR HORN) Our ride.
How nice of Richie to drive you to school.
His way of saying thanks for a job well done.
Good morning, everybody.
Now, don't be disappointed Say good morning, Charlie.
Show everyone how alive you are! Aren't I doing a good job? Yeah, yeah.
Great.
That little monster! He's been buying his own fish and switchin' 'em! God only knows how many he's gone through.
He'll pay for this! How? If we bust him, he'll know we've been cheating.
We are so proud of the way you've taken care of that fish.
Yes.
You certainly proved to us you can be trusted.
It's so nice to have a boy who's so conscientious, responsible and honest and who finds a way to do the right thing.
Before we go any further, is there anything you wanna tell me? I want a beagle! You're not gonna get it, you little sneak! You've been switching fish, cos I put a dead fish in there last night! That's cheating! You're cheaters! (SOBS) It's not exactly textbook but at least we're not getting a dog.
I cleaned out my cubby.
You're sure I can't talk you into staying? Mom says I need a healthier environment.
She thinks it's creepy you're using me for your own self-grandiosement.
That's not what you need.
You'll never connect normally with another human being.
People will recognise your brilliance and loathe you for it.
The best you can hope for is uncomprehending fear which I can channel into great things.
Please? Can I go now? Sure.
Go.
You, my ex-wife, all of my therapists, you're all the same.
Bye, guys.
Bye, Barton.
Good luck at NASA.
Send us a letter when you get declassified.
Mr Herkabe, we know this is hard for you, so It's his dad.
We photo-chopped your head in.
In a place where nappies are the law of the land tonight one big kid lives by his own rules with only his trusty new Huggies pull ups for night time.
He'll have the potty training pant with all the absorbency of a nappy.
Get ready for #I'm a big kid now.
#