Malcolm in the Middle s03e10 Episode Script

Lois's Makeover

Mmm, I'm starving.
What's for dinner? Leftover parfait.
It's even worse than it sounds! Once a week Mom cleans out the fridge.
Anything that doesn't have something growing on it gets served for dinner.
Did we have spaghetti or Chinese food on Thursday? Neither.
Ah! No digging! (SQUELCHING) Sunday, Saturday, Friday.
It finally happened! The fifth level of this week's leftover parfait is last week's leftover parfait! # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big # Life is unfair # Alright, everyone, these are your secret-shopper evaluations.
I'm going to be meeting with each one of you this week so we can discuss .
.
how we can make improvements.
Look forward to it, sir! Secret shoppers? They had people spy on us? What's next? Cavity searches on the loading dock?! It's no big deal.
Companys do this kind of thing all the time.
But it's not fair! How can I work hard if I don't even know they're watching me?! Calm down.
It's, like, a paragraph.
"Employees seem capable, efficient.
Personal hygiene was questionable.
" Questionable?! What are they talking about? My hy "Slovenly"?! They think I'm slovenly? You're right.
This is ridiculous! "Apathetic, lazy, overweight.
" What planet are these people from? I'm taking a fiver.
There's electricity in the air tonight, folks! I'm open, I'm open! We've been playing basketball with Dad since we could walk.
I'm open! (LAUGHS) Oh! Yes! Another basket for Hal! He's on fire! We're 0 and 342! We're starting to get a little discouraged! (LAUGHS) Game point! You take it out.
This is our last chance.
What do we do? Give it to me! Try another give-and-go.
Dewey, go to the basket and run around the pole.
Ooh! That's it! Pass! I'm open! Ooh, stolen by the Halinator! He shoots He scores! Hal-lelujah! It was great game, boys.
Good hustle.
I hate this! If I wanted to be humiliated, I'd take a math test! Wait a minute.
Look.
Yeah.
Dewey, get away from that ball! No.
He's making baskets.
He's never been able to do that before.
You're right.
That's how we're gonna beat Dad - with Dewey.
Which one of you filthy thieves has been rooting through my undies? What are you talking about? One of you went through my locker! And ate all my jerky! It wasn't us, Artie.
Looks like a rat did it.
Look at the teeth marks! Don't jump to conclusions.
Think about it logically.
If the rat was so filled up with Artie's jerky, would he be chewing on Francis' pillow right now? What?! Get him! Die, vermin! (WHIMPERS) (SQUELCH!) Wow! Francis, you killed it! And it did eat your jerky.
We got your double bag of paper and plastic.
The hair mousse is bagged separately and I picked your film for you.
Can I take this to your car? You don't have to do that.
I insist.
That's my job here at Lucky Aide! (LAUGHS) Ooh! (WHISPERS) Bend forward.
Hi, Lois.
Mr Fisher, I wanted to talk about that secret-shopper report.
I think they must've come in when my son Dewey tried to cook breakfast.
By the time I put out the fire - Lois, this isn't personal.
It's It's not like I'm - Lois, there is nothing for you to freak out over.
We have people in the company with the skills and the experience to help you.
Wow, Lois! This is, like, gonna be so fun! OK, let's try it one more time.
(LAUGHS) Yes! Perfect! Dad won't have any idea what hit him! He's going down! Do you think he'll cry? Oh, yeah, he'll cry! You have pretty eyes.
You shouldn't hide them behind no makeup.
This is wrong.
I do my job.
I do my job well.
I dress appropriately and I'm clean.
That should be enough.
Or you could be pretty! Put your chin up.
What do they want? I have 3 kids, I run a house, I work 38 hours a week and they think I should look like a model just to ring up rash ointment? You tell me how that's fair.
Lois, it's OK to be scared of change.
My boyfriend freaked when I got my driver's licence.
Don't worry, I'll take good care of you.
Oh, God, Hal! You wouldn't believe what happened at work today! I spent five hours with this stuff on my face in front of everybody! I've never been so humiliated in all You're the most beautiful woman that ever was or ever could be! Hey, Francis.
I heard you killed a rat yesterday.
Is that right? What? Yes, sir, he did.
Good.
I got a rat in my bunk.
I'd be obliged if you took care of it.
I don't think - He'd be honoured.
We both would.
Great.
What are you doing? I don't know about killing rats! Who cares?! You like mopping?! Do you wanna see what comes in during bear season? Baby, bring it on! What? You think I'm scared of you? I've changed your diapers! Whoo-hoo! Dewey, you made a basket! Good for you! Alright! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What are you lookin' at? Sorry, son! Hey! Whoa! Whoo! Rejected! (LAUGHS) Good game, boys! Good game?! You fouled us! Boys, part of the game is learning how to lose gracefully.
If I've taught you anything it's how to be a good sportsman.
I guess the rat could be coming out of this hole.
What are you gonna do? We could try to lure him out.
Anyone have a cookie? It worked! You did it! I did.
Kill him! < Go ahead.
(SMASH! SQUELCH!) Yes! He did it! That was amazing, Francis! You have the gift! Hi, Lois.
Thought I'd pick you up a latte.
Thanks.
What are you doing, Lois? You shouldn't be lifting heavy boxes.
I always do it.
I'll take care of it.
Hold it a second.
You've watched me lift boxes for four years.
Now you want to help me? Why? I don't know.
I just thought - No! Look me in the face and tell me why! I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna go get lunch, OK? Can I get you anything? How did it go? Buzz, I don't wanna bore you with the technical details, so let's just say that cabin 15 is once again rodent free.
(ALL CHEER) Three cheers for Francis! Hip, hip! (ALL) Hooray! What are you fools cheering about?! You caught yourself a couple of tiny rats.
Whoopdee-dee! You ain't nothing until you take out a real rat.
You ain't nothing until you dance in the moonlight with Rosemarie! (SNIGGERS) Who? They ain't told ya about Rosemarie, eh? (LAUGHS) Well, she's the biggest, ugliest, meanest rat north of Kotzebue! Lives right here under this here building! Come on, Rosemarie ain't real! Yeah, she's just a creepy old myth.
Like Stonehenge or boxing kangaroos.
She's as real as you and me.
So, what do you say, Rat Boy? You think you're man enough? (LAUGHS) Old man, you better start building a very small coffin.
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So, recess here and I can get the dish off from Dewey.
See? We just keep him with the ball round the perimeter.
He can't cover all three of us, no matter how dirty he plays.
Wow! Very nice! Great ball movement.
You guys are looking really good.
I'm impressed.
I'd be worried if I didn't have my patented fall-away jump shot.
Whoo! Agh! Ow! Ow! My ankle! Oh, I twisted my ankle.
Help me into the house, boys.
Boys! Sure, Dad.
We'll help you.
(GROANS) Ooh! Hey, boys.
What's up? Not much.
How's the leg? A little better.
It's interesting how you happened to hurt your leg.
What does that mean? I don't know.
It's just interesting.
Yeah.
Interesting.
What are you boys getting at? Some people are willing to go to drastic lengths to avoid being beaten by their kids.
This is about basketball? You think I faked this because I didn't wanna play you in basketball? Alright.
You know what? I'm gonna play you right now, like this, and I'm still gonna mop the floor with you.
That's OK.
You rest.
We can wait.
Yeah.
It's gotta heal sometime, right? Here you go! I had to move a couple dozen bags of charcoal briquettes, but I found the slightly-darker-blue one that you wanted.
I got a few spider bites, but it's OK as long as you go home satisfied.
You're welcome.
Excuse me! Where are your dog toys? Yes, ma'am.
They're right there.
Right behind you.
Those are leashes.
If I could direct your attention three inches right I want that little hot dog up on top.
Sure thing.
I see we have one just like it right here.
That isn't what I asked for.
This has mustard on it.
Peekaboo doesn't eat mustard.
That one has mustard on it, too, and since it's not even real mustard - Are you going to give me what I ask for? Certainly.
(TOY SQUEAKS) (FABRIC RIPS) (SIGHS) There you go.
Thanks for shopping Lucky Aide.
This has mustard on it.
That's what I tried to tell you, you old bat! Now, you're gonna take it to your dog and make him like it! (TOYS SQUEAK) Lois.
I'm sorry to do this to you, but my brother got hockey tickets for tonight, and I know I said I'd close up for you - I've already rearranged my schedule! And I covered for you last week.
Well, I'm sorry, Lois.
(SIGHS) Gee, Tom, I really don't know what to do.
Isn't there any way at all you could be just a little late for your game? Well, I guess so.
Thanks.
Hah! Get your sneakers, faker.
(TRAP DOOR SHUTS) Francis! Yeah? If you die, can I have your pillow? I already promised it to Artie.
(SNIFFS) Gotcha.
I found her tracks! You hear that? He said I get his pillow! Wait a minute.
I see something.
Oh! I see a baby rat.
No wonder Rosemarie's so fierce.
She's a mother! Go ahead and kill it! I don't wanna kill a baby.
It's a rat! Oh, alright.
Hey, this wood is rotten.
Just a second.
I think I can get through it.
(SCREAMS) No! (SCREAMS / WAILS) (SCREAM ECHOES) (SIGHS) Yes! That's 14-13.
We're up.
Game point.
You boys have put up a good fight, which is gonna make it more painful when I crush you like bugs.
Whoa! (LAUGHS) Scored! Yeah! Whoo! (LAUGHS) Tied game.
Next basket wins.
My ball.
We have to do The Play.
We can't! We only practised it once.
It won't work.
It will work.
We just gotta believe.
It's go time, ladies.
# So you want a piece of me # Bring it on # Time is money, talk is cheap Bring it on # So if you're saying what you mean # Bring it on, yeah, bring it on # Bring it on, bring it on, bring it # Wow! The future's now, old man.
(GROANS) # Bring it # Hey, Lois! I just wanna thank you for the terrific job you've done this week.
You have shown a marked improvement in your performance and attitude.
That's nice of you to say, sir, but I've done nothing different.
There's that great attitude.
Anyhow, I think we're gonna have an opening soon in customer service.
Really? It wouldn't be much of a pay rise, but you wouldn't have to work any more late nights.
That'd be great! Now, you would have to dress up your appearance a little.
Excuse me? You know, just a little more feminine.
More feminine? Well, you're on the right track, just a little more.
Er, could I let you know tomorrow? Sure thing.
Damn.
Hi.
Hello.
Can I help you? I don't know.
Maybe.
What'll it cost me? What? Is it cheaper if we use my car, or do we have to get a room? You think I'm a hooker? No! You do! You think I'm a hooker! Thank you! Come with me! A prostitute.
This guy was convinced I was a prostitute.
Ever since I got your stupid report, I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong.
Well, I think this little incident gives us both a much-needed clarity.
I'm gonna go home and wash my face.
When I come to work tomorrow, I'll do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years.
I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and, if the mood strikes me, a hair clip and that's it.
If that's not good enough for you, so be it.
Thank you.
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