Malcolm in the Middle s03e11 Episode Script

Company Picnic (1)

BELL CROWD NOISE/CHEERING Make your skin feel: Skin Contact.
BELL .
There it is.
Kill it.
A spider has as much right to live as you or I.
Besides, it's unlucky to kill it in the house.
OK.
Hello, little fella.
Come on, sweetheart.
Oh! (SHRIEKS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Go, go, go! Door! Open the door! The back? Side? Side.
No, back.
No, side! Run! Oh, my God, did we just? Go.
She can only ground me.
Get your keys and go.
But! Go! (LOIS SCREAMS) # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big # Life is unfair My dad's company picnic is tomorrow.
Laurie will be there.
I've had a crush on her since third grade.
(GRUNTS) I haven't seen her since she moved last year.
I've grown four inches, but I can't count on that.
If I do 10,000 of these, I should have something to show by tomorrow.
No candy tomorrow, understand? I'll be fine! You won't.
What happened at the last company picnic? I got into a fight with that red-headed boy.
Why did you do that? Because I ate candy.
Because you ate candy.
You do not metabolise sugar well.
You get mean, crazy, get into fights and end up crying.
Do you want that to happen again this year? No.
Get ready for bed.
OK.
What do you think? This or this? What are you doing?! This is an important function.
It's a company picnic.
Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet.
Gotta start off on the right foot.
You're making too much of this.
No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression.
It sets the tone for the relationship.
Al, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.
I look forward to working with you.
Same here.
Oh, and what do we have here? My big, fat sto-mach.
I'd like you to meet your staff, but I'm not sure where they are.
(LAUGHTER) It is great to meet you, Mr Jacobson.
I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
Great.
Have you met my daughter and son-in-law? No, I haven't.
Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
Hi.
I'm Hal.
Hi.
So nice to Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye! She's gushing blood! Put a tourniquet on her neck! I'm outside of my body.
I can see a light.
Grandma? Is that you? I'll chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna drag your carcass through the street.
She's got a toothpick in her eye! It's like a chess game.
Every subtle move is vital.
(STRAINS) Eight.
God, what did you do? You're huge! Shut up.
Be careful.
You might frighten Laurie with your savage manliness.
Who says I'm doing it for Laurie? So Laurie's fair game? I wonder if she likes older men.
Don't.
I really like this girl.
Please! It's my first chance to see her since she moved away.
I'm asking you as a brother.
Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.
Wow, this desperate grovelling is new for you.
Keep it up.
Call yourselves a hockey team? To beat McCallister Oil you'll have to play better than that.
You're making stupid mistakes, missing opportunities.
Keep your mind on the game! Are our pay cheques here yet? Aren't you done with that sink yet? There's more than when I started.
You don't leave until it's finished.
It'd be faster if Eric helped.
I'm not letting my star player near that toxic filth.
I slave away by myself just because he plays hockey? He doesn't just play hockey.
He skates like the wind.
He's got a 70mph slapshot.
Well, indoors, fresh ice.
We'll teach those thugs a lesson they won't forget.
Those chicks won't know what hit 'em.
You're playing girls? The men won't play us till we beat the ladies' team.
Those girls play dirty, make fun of us, and steal our women.
Wow! People who are more humiliated than me.
I'd love to see that.
Wish granted.
You're our equipment manager.
What?! Rinaldo came down with jock lung.
Here's your cheque.
Eric, there's a little extra for you.
Thanks.
There's no money in this cheque.
It says I owe you $14.
I didn't buy anything last week.
Cost-of-living increases.
Your room, board, pillow rental and the rubber gloves, princess(!) This is insane! I won't work 60 hours a week and still owe you money.
I quit! Fine.
Give me the $604 you racked up and you can go.
What? How can I have possibly $604 when you keep taking my money? Shut up! And get back to work.
Don't let your equipment-manager duties get in the way of your real work.
Man, that sucks.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? It's Francis.
I'm in a real bind.
I don't have any money.
"Hear me out.
" Tell Mom they're sending the smart kids to Washington, DC, get $600 and spend a weekend at Stevie's.
Reese, phone.
Hello? Reese.
You know the hardware store? The entry way is slippery Dewey, phone.
Francis? Yeah.
Money? Yeah.
I don't know why I go to these things.
I am so nervous.
My stomach sounds like a bunch of dogs fighting.
Get your ear down there.
Hal, you'll be fine.
What are you doing? Just keep moving.
Is your new boss even here? They're all here.
There's Landon.
He's the head of the whole company.
Of course the new guy's here.
Don't talk nonsense! You've never met him.
Do you know who you're hiding from? That's a good point.
Is the new boss here yet? Yeah.
He's right over there.
Let me know when you'll introduce yourself.
We figure you'll set him on fire.
Don't give him ideas.
Bet's off.
I'm nervous enough as it is.
We're just teasing you.
You'll do fine.
You and I both know that's a lie.
Yeah, well, I tried.
Hi, Mom.
Splendid day for a picnic.
You want to do this the easy way or the hard way? The hard way.
Spread 'em.
I won't always be around to do this.
You have to control yourself.
I know.
Undies.
Malcolm? Laurie, hi.
It is so good to see you.
Yeah.
Good to see you too.
I can't believe how tall you are.
Yeah, well, you know I've missed you guys so much.
I've missed you too.
I mean, we've all missed you.
Everyone.
Not just me.
Are you doing the three-legged hunt? What? They tie your leg to another person's and send you to find stuff.
You can win $100.
I just need a partner.
Do you want to do it? Really? Yeah, it sounds great.
Cool.
Is that your brother? Hi, Reese.
Sorry.
I'm gay.
OK.
(You owe me!) .
The diamond standard of dishwashing won't come from a dirty dishwasher.
Finish Dishwasher Cleaner is far better at removing hidden grease and limescale.
And a cleaner dishwasher means cleaner dishes.
It's only dishwashing, but you deserve perfect results every time.
.
Do you work for the company or are you a drag-along? A drag-along.
Me too.
My husband drags me along then runs off and talks to his friends.
I hide.
Hide? From my kids.
It's great to have somebody to talk to.
I'm bad at social situations.
My psychiatrist says I'm emotionally detached and that I have paranoid fantasies about what people think about me.
(GIGGLES) Uh-huh? It can get really ugly.
False accusations, crying attacks.
I don't know why my husband married me.
I know why I married him.
I'm addicted to disapproval.
Ah.
Really? Yeah.
Of course, I only have myself to blame.
He's exactly like my father was.
Oh, my God! He was so judgemental.
Every time I spoke, I felt I was torturing him.
Wow, they're good.
They got nothing on my boy.
How's the diarrhoea? You feeling alright? Tiptop.
There's Lavernia.
I hear she might actually have a team this year.
Think we ought to adjust the front line? Clarence? Clarence! What? Hey, Lavernia! I was afraid you'd show your face.
Not that I was afraid you'd play me, just that you'd show your face.
Hello, Clarence.
I thought you only gave pep talks in your van.
You'll get a boyfriend one day.
You'll have a moment of bliss, then you'll bite his head off and lay your eggs in his decapitated body.
Was that comment necessary? That's why people don't like you.
People like me.
Who doesn't like me? I got a good feeling about today.
These girls aren't so tough.
Wait till I get out there.
I'm gonna (SCREAMS) How's my breath? It seems fine.
Not too minty? That can be just as bad.
Please give me back my compact.
OK, get in, get out, just say hello and go.
No.
(GASPS) Mr Landon.
Hello.
I told you about the first time I met this guy? The urinal-cake guy? (LAUGHS) Unbelievable.
But I didn't fire him.
He's one of our finest systems managers.
It goes to show that even a gibbering idiot can surprise you.
That would make a great chapter heading for your new book.
I thought he dropped his pill case.
Excuse me for being considerate! Hi! John Pratt.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
Hi.
You are a hard man to find.
I had to have someone point you out.
Well, it's not like I'm avoiding you.
(BOTH LAUGH) I heard you had a great sense of humour.
I know it's gonna be great working with you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
I should get back to my family now.
Right.
Sorry to hold you up.
It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr Landon.
Same here.
Boys, you got ten minutes.
Leave your wallets and valuables in here.
You gotta get out on the ice and warm up.
I don't think I can play.
My glute cramped up on the ride over.
You have to play.
Go lay down on that table.
You! Get over there.
Give him a good, strong massage.
Work that knot out of his glute.
Out of his what? No way! He's our goalie.
We need him.
No! Look, you owe me $604.
You do this, I'll take off $1.
50.
$1.
50?! And if you don't, I'll charge you $50 for the ride home.
The rest of you, get out there.
Show 'em what you got.
Here.
You're responsible for these valuables till after the game.
Don't be afraid to dig in deep.
If it helps, I'll unhitch the trap door.
Get up, you idiot! Are you stupid? Ow! I said, hustle for the breaks! Hustle! I was in the locker room and the other coach approached me.
What's that reptilian sack of dog logs trying to pull now? He wants to make a wager with you on the outcome of the game.
$642, to be exact.
I don't bet.
I earn my money and hold on to it.
He said you'd be afraid.
Oh, he did? He also said John Grisham was a hack with no sense of plot and a tin ear for dialogue.
He said that about Mr Grisham? Alright, he wants to bet? We'll bet.
Tell him to make it 700.
He was pretty adamant about the $642.
Fine.
Hey, Chuck! I need you to hold on to some bet money.
That idiot Clarence has no idea what we got in store for him.
Easiest 700 I ever made.
(WHISTLE) > What's with my skates? The blades are so dull.
Somebody unscrewed mine.
I got Vaseline on my grip tape.
(KLAXON) Go, go, go, go! He is never home.
We last had dinner together six months ago with his boss! Did I tell you about our anniversary? I bought $30's worth of candles.
I wore a negligee the size of a postage stamp.
He walks in an hour late and spends six hours in a computer chat room.
I drank an entire bottle of champagne then I passed out.
I woke up with the dog licking my face.
And I actually thought it was my husband! I'm gonna find my boys.
As if he would show me any kind of affection.
To him, I'm the fat lady that answers his psychiatrist's phone.
In my mind, I do see myself as a 200-pounder.
But I have seen the way other men look at me.
Wanda! So good to see you again.
Wanda, Meg.
Wanda, Meg.
Why don't you get to know each other? I'll be right back.
So, how do you know Lois? Que? I like you.
You're fun.
I like you too.
Want some of my candy? (YELLS) Fill up on that bread.
It's better you get sick on that than on candy.
I got enough to worry about without you going crazy on me.
Stay here! Hi, Lois.
Are you hiding back here? No, just enjoying the shade.
Did you meet your new boss? Yep.
How did it go? Fine.
We hit it off.
What happened? What do you mean? It went well.
He likes me.
Is it so hard to imagine I made a good first impression? Mr Landon? You should give me a little credit.
Hey, boss! Is he calling you? Of course he isn't! Whatever you were going to say, he isn't.
I'm not going anywhere until Lois! Mr Landon! Did I tell you that his mother is coming to visit me this week? She despises me, but at least she talks to me.
My husband hasn't said two words besides, "Where's the remote?" and "How far are those gonna sag?" This isn't a good time.
Every year, he has to go to this stupid get-together for his friends from college.
We're about to go to this party and he tells me not to say anything stupid.
I embarrass him one time! I didn't know who Ernest Hemingway was.
Alright, girls? OK, Pete and Cathy, you're next.
It is so great to see you again.
Great to see you too.
For those of you without partners, we've done a random pairing.
Mike and Christina.
Reese and George.
I'm Reese.
I'm George.
You can call me George.
I can eat eight hot dogs.
That's good, George(!) You've got to be kidding me! It's weird being away from the friends I grew up with.
I bet.
Malcolm, can I ask you something? Sure.
If you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back, would you say something? I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
Me too.
But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard? I like you too, Laurie.
I really like you.
Honestly, you have no idea.
I've liked you for years.
I think about you all the time.
Oh, no! What? Oh, my God! I am so sorry! I was talking about Gary Spindler! Oh, no! Erm, it's OK.
No! This is so humiliating! It's all my fault.
Malcolm, I am so sorry! Really, it's not that "Malcolm and Laurie.
" Remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours.
Let's get hopping.
Get great results all around your home when you try new Cillit Bang Multi Power.
It was so quick and easy.
Look how it cleans this toothpaste