Malcolm in the Middle s03e16 Episode Script

Hal Coaches

'< I can't believe you, Dewey!' When is she going to stop? I'm starving.
Go get us some food.
I'm not going out there.
'Sorry doesn't cut it, young man.
' This was a good idea, just wish you had told me earlier.
I was hiding outside for 45 minutes before I came in.
I saw you.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big # Life is unfair # You know how you've been hounding us for years for your own computer? We've arranged a deal with Ed to get you one.
I'm giving you my old laptop.
Is it inside that? No, that's it.
In exchange you'll help Ed set up his new computer.
Shouldn't be hard for you to install sound and graphics cards and set up a network for my broadband connection! You're gonna help him re-sod his lawn and build a gazebo.
What? No! C'mon, boys, nothing in this life comes free.
Oh, here are those Foreigner albums.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Oh, just be glad you're getting a computer.
I should get a dog or a rat, some dumb animal that knows how to work for a living.
Yes, ma'am.
Damn idiots, never learned how to do one damn thing right in your lives.
Yes, ma'am.
The blood from my knees was tracking behind where I'd already scrubbed, so I had to keep going around until she let me put towels on my knees.
So, how was your day? I don't care about that.
My husband was disrespected by a woman unfit to eat the crap between your toes.
Somebody ought to cut her open and strangle her with her own entrails.
I love you, too.
If you want me, I'll be under my bed.
It wasn't that bad.
It was terrible.
I hate soccer.
I stink.
My team stinks.
first five minutes of the game were.
Hey, you guys won the coin toss.
I wanna quit.
People don't just quit cos they lose a couple of games.
The coach quit.
He had an emotional breakdown, that's not the same thing.
The point is you're not quitting.
In fact, you know what? I'm gonna coach you.
What?! This will be great.
It'll give us a chance to hang out together, kick the ball around.
Some day you might look back and say, "Boy, I sure had some fun with my old man.
" What do you say? No! You're not quitting.
I am going to coach you and we are going to create treasured memories whether you want to or not.
So, what's on the .
.
hard drive? Nothing, he erased everything.
No, he deleted the programmes but he didn't format the drive.
They never do! There it is.
Let's check out what he's got in here.
Let's go through his e-mails.
Why? It's Ed, what's he gonna Oh, my God! "Eddie, last night was amazing.
You touched me places my husband never knew existed.
" T.
Goodwin.
That's Mrs Goodwin from down the block.
That's horrible! They're both married and fat! Look at this one.
"Edward, just saying your name turns me to jelly.
" That's Mrs Fisher.
Mrs Carmen, Mrs Wilson, Mrs Belt! He's sleeping with half the neighbourhood.
Here's one from old Mrs Swanback.
Open the picture attachment.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Alright, kids, let's huddle up.
Hello, there.
My name is Hal.
I'm the new coach.
I don't know a lot about soccer but I do know about being a young boy and growing up can be tough! I know what it's like to be the fat kid, the nose-picker - just wipe it on the grass, son.
But together we are more than that.
Today we're gonna be a team! Can we just forfeit and get a burger before the line gets too long? No.
We're going out on that field to have fun.
You kids make me sick! If you're not puking from exhaustion, you're not playing hard enough! It's a beautiful day.
Let's go out and enjoy the sunshine and play some soccer! You will rip their heads off! Do you hear me? Stop crying.
Stop crying, you little baby! Hey, why don't you just ease up? They're just kids.
Hear that, men? That's what a loser sounds like.
What do you say we go out and give it our best and have some fun? (CHILDREN SOB / MOAN) It was 48-0 before the half, I had to call it.
Of course.
(ALL) Two, four, six, eight, who did we annihilate? The Tigers, The Tigers, we had The Tigers.
Yeah! Hey, Stevie.
You were supposed to meet me at the library.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I actually found something decent on Ed's computer.
The Virts? You create a virtual family, put them in different situations and the computer plays out their lives.
Is that your mom? Not yet.
Reese.
Make sure you capture .
.
the blackness of his soul.
Aggressiveness - ten.
Hygiene - zero.
OK, now me.
Appearance - nine No, ten.
A ten for intelligence.
And social skills, ten.
Too bad it doesn't go higher(!) I have social skills, jackass! OK, it's dinner time.
Where's Malcolm? Looking at himself in the mirror.
How you doing? I'm hot and I'm bored.
What is this stuff? It smells awful.
What are you doing? There's bare patches all over the place.
Are you paying attention to what you're doing? I get grounded plenty, Ed, I know grunt work.
Why don't you go fix Mrs Collins's garage door and get off my back?! What did you say? You heard me.
Oh, my God, what do you know? Formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer.
Oh, and by the way, Mrs Swanback?! You are sick! Keep your voice down.
Look, it's not my fault.
I try to be faithful but the women on this block are just so desperate and lonely.
It's like I cast some kind of spell.
I try to tell 'em no, but it always leads to a back rub.
I know, Ed, I read all about it.
Is that you, Ed? Ah, I'm a little busy right now, Martha.
Look, you can't tell my wife.
You can't tell anyone, please.
I'll do anything.
I'll do anything you ask.
I can work with that.
Damn, don't they know someone's got to clean up their caribou carcases? These antlers won't fit down the disposal.
Francis, come away from there.
You don't have to do that.
You're much too valuable to mess with that.
Yesterday you said you'd seen tumours with hair smarter than me.
Can't you tell good-natured ribbing? I've got an important job for you.
Sit there and check the reception on the TV - it's been spotty lately.
Oh, and make sure these sodas haven't gone flat.
That sounds do-able.
We've got other people to do the grunt work.
A newlywed shouldn't be tiring himself out before he even gets home.
Your lovely, young wife wouldn't like that, would she? What did you do?! I don't know what you're talking about, honey.
Lavernia is treating me like a human being.
What did you do to her? Maybe she turned over a new leaf.
Sometimes really big crappy jerks just realise they've got to change.
She was terrified.
I don't know how you did it but you must have said something.
I wouldn't do that, Francis.
I'm not gonna fight your battles for you.
Obviously that's not true.
Now, damn it, tell me what you did.
You know what, I don't have to do anything you tell me to do, and you might want to reconsider your tone of voice.
Sometimes you make me so mad! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Alright, look, today's practise was Well, let's focus on the positive.
I think it's encouraging that so many of you found the right field.
Special congratulations go to Billy for using the sidestep to run away from the butterfly that almost landed near him.
But we do need to work on your general unwillingness to kick the ball.
It hurts! Boys, if we are going to get better, we have to work together.
We have to start acting like a team.
You know what it means to be on a team, don't you? Well, don't C'mon! Think of a team.
Like the X-Men? Yes! Yes, like the X-Men.
You boys are like the X-Men.
And what do the X-Men do? Fight evil? Yes, they work together to fight evil and also to uphold the ideals of good sportsmanship and team work! And fight evil! (ALL CHEER) Yes! OK, OK.
Boys, c'mon, huddle up, huddle up.
I should not be telling you this but the American Youth Soccer Federation has been infiltrated by evil forces hellbent on domination of the Earth.
The infiltration goes all the way down to the lowest levels - I'm talking The Black Hawks, The Bulldogs, The Eagles.
Every other team in our league has been lost to the forces of evil and it's up to you boys to stop them.
Now, boys, what do you say? Who wants to be on the side of goodness and who wants to rid the world of EVIL? (ALL CHEER) Alright, boys, let's get out there and do some kickey drill.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) .
It's important to protect your teeth from the build-up of invisible plaque.
But how do you fight something that's invisible? Simple.
Orbit Complete with xylitol helps protect teeth from plaque.
Can you please .
.
start working? Just one more second.
This is interesting.
I made my mom quit her job and go to Law School.
It's less money but her happiness went way up.
I made Dad quit too.
He's working on neighbours' cars.
Check out this.
I still think they could be happier.
Let's send Reese to China.
What are you changing .
.
about Malcolm? Nothing, he's fine.
He's burning .
.
himself with a cigarette.
Just a phase.
"(LOUD HEAVY-METAL MUSIC)" Where were you? I've been waiting for that lotion.
Look, a freckle.
My wife gets back soon.
It'll be hard explaining why I'm catering to a 15 year old.
I'll explain if you want me to.
It's OK, forget it.
Fly.
Where? Just a drill.
"(HEAVY-METAL MUSIC)" Well, the oak seems to burn a few degrees hotter than the maple.
Oh, this game is asinine! I thought you liked it.
It's this idiotic programming! My family has turned out horrible! My mom became a Supreme Court Justice, Reese is the King of China and Dad is a millionaire from his auto-body shops.
Why is Malcolm sneaking Scotch from the toilet tank? He won't stop! It's his second bottle since breakfast.
I am so done with this game.
No, I'm moving them all to Arkansas to become chicken farmers.
That ought to level out the playing field.
Hi, honey.
This is great, you're home early.
You don't come home so mad any more.
I think we may have to split up.
What? I'm not sure this is working.
I love you but I don't know you that well.
Hell, I can't pronounce your last name.
Ta-nana-ha-akna.
This Lavernia thing, I think there's a side - I don't understand.
If someone does something for someone they love and it solves the problem - No! Marriage is about trust and communication and not being terrified! We're supposed to be a team, I thought.
Look, I'm going to ask you one last time, for the sake of our marriage, what did you do? (Took her parakeet.
) What? I took her parakeet! You stole the woman's pet? The woman's pet! You protect the people you love.
I figured you would.
I'd tell you if I was gonna grab a parakeet and hold it hostage I wouldn't do that.
How long were you going to keep it for, anyway? 'Til she behaved and if she didn't, I guess I'd have killed it.
See?! That's where it gets alarming again.
Putting aside the horrible nature of the act, what's upsetting is, you made this unilateral decision - I said I'm sorry! How many times do you want me to say it? You didn't! You were going to break up with me! You think that makes me feel safe? You're right, I'm sorry.
Wait! No, I'm not apologising here! Bring that bird back.
If I do it, she'll think I was involved.
You made this mess without me, you clean it up without me.
Or what? Or maybe I'll do it for you! And you have dinner ready when I get back! Ed, school gets out at 3.
It's 2.
15! I've been waiting for over an hour! Sorry, Reese.
Excuse me.
> Damn, hurry up.
Hello, I'm Mrs Abbott, Reese's guidance counsellor.
I've been trying to talk to you about your son for weeks! Well, I'm here now.
What can I do for you? You have to stop this.
Stupid game.
This is ridiculous! Everybody in my family is perfect.
Mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels, Dad's funding a search for extraterrestrials.
Nothing I do has any effect.
If I give them money, take it away, make them ugly or Canadian, everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me.
Dewey .
.
just became Pope.
And I weigh 500 pounds.
That's it, I'm just going to have to kill them.
Go to counter.
Get knife.
Kill them.
No, don't make yourself a sandwich.
Kill! Kill! No, not yourself.
Don't kill, don't kill.
Uuurrgh! This means nothing! So, Dad, are you gonna ground me(?) Boy, your counsellor was furious.
So, we head back to your place, set up your Jacuzzi then throw something on the barbecue for me.
I've got a better idea.
I'll get in my Jacuzzi and you fix my dinner.
What? With the information I just got, I can call your mother and you won't see daylight for years.
Oh, yeah? One word and I'm telling your wife your little secret.
The question is - am I more scared of my wife or are you more scared of your mother? Then get a dozen peach roses - they've got to be peach - and run them over to Mrs Malone's.
Lavernia, I'm sorry.
I just talked to my wife.
This was all a big misunderstanding.
She's sorry, too, and we just want you to have I guess I should have put a blanket on this on the way over.
I just want you to know that I (SCREAMS) OK, boys, we have come a long way and today is the day we show what we're made of.
Now, who are we? (ALL) The forces of good! And who's evil? (ALL) The Gophers! (ALL CHEER) We've got a schedule change, coach.
The Gophers didn't show up.
You're playing the Black Hawks.
(ALL SIGH) Don't worry, I'll call it before it gets ugly.
We're playing the Black Hawks again?! You're forgetting your mission.
You're here to fight evil and they are the most evil of all.
When the teacher remembers to give you homework right before you leave school, the Black Hawks are behind it.
When your mother says, "You can't watch TV," the Black Hawks told her to say that.
All those Christmas presents you wanted.
Do you know who got them? The Black Hawks.
If it were up to them, we wouldn't have Christmas! (ALL GASP) I, for one, am glad we have the chance to fight for what is right and good! Now, I ask you boys, who are we going to beat?! The Black Hawks! And what are they? Evil! Yeah! Teams, take the field.
I love you, boys.
I've done all the coaching I can do.
The rest is up to them.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) (ALL) Aaghhh! Eat chalk, evil-doer! Oh, my God! No, we couldn't stop them if we wanted to.
You just left the truck and ran all the way home? You didn't see the look on her face.
I'm scared going to work tomorrow.
You know, she does have a turtle.
BELL CROWD NOISE/CHEERING Make your skin feel: Skin Contact.
BELL