Malcolm in the Middle s03e17 Episode Script

Dewey's Dog

Hey, what are we watching? A documentary on eye surgery.
They are reattaching a retina.
"The procedure involves making small incisions into the wall of the eye to allow instruments into the cavity.
" Is there anything else on? Dad, this is interesting.
I might be a doctor someday.
You're right.
"The draining of the vitreous - the clear gel-like fluid that fills the back of the eye" Aah-aah! I'm gonna go read.
"Kiki beats the heat in a red chiffon" You don't wanna watch a lingerie-counter shoot with your dad! # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big! # Life is unfair # Come on! You boys are late! I want you outta this house in 30 seconds! We've got time.
When we're really late, our lunches are on the front lawn.
Mom, Reese - Go, go.
Go, go! OK, I'm doing dry-cleaner, mechanic and post office, you're doing groceries.
Got the cable bill? Great.
Bye, guy.
Did I just say, "Bye guy," to you? I'm pretty sure you did.
Guy? I - I - I called you guy?! How can that happen?! I've never done that before! It's a lapse.
Guy?! Hal, it happens.
Let's get one thing clear.
In no way, shape or form do I think of you as a guy.
You are a gorgeous, exciting, feminine goddess that I still don't know what I've done to deserve.
Do you understand that? Yes.
(MUMBLES) Let's do this walking.
OK, just for argument's sake, let's say Doctor Bombay was one of the M*A*S*H surgeons.
I'd still want Hawkeye operating on a perforated aorta! It's experience that counts.
(Think about it.
) (LIGHTNING CRACKS) Will you hurry up with those dishes, my bubbles are evaporating! Eric, you're not gonna believe this.
I swear I just saw Commandant Spangler standing outside the window.
That's not even funny, Francis.
Some things you don't joke about, like that hook-handed maniac! But he was so real! It was like being back at military school! For a long time I saw him every time I shut my eyes.
We escaped from that hellhole.
We made it out and found better lives for ourselves.
Now let's get these dishes done.
We still have to snake out the toilets.
Hey, guys, wait up! (PANTS) (CLATTERING) Hi, I'm Dewey.
(SNIFFS) You smell terrible.
I like you.
Maybe you could come home with me.
You're not allowed a dog.
We want you to be miserable.
That's right, son.
It's our job to make sure we're as unfair as possible to you.
Don't listen to them, Dewey.
I've studied the matter thoroughly and I'm convinced you can get away with it.
All you have to do is hide me.
Hm! I'll call you Marshmallow.
# "Tonight's The Night (Gonna Be Alright)" - Rod Stewart "# Tonight's the night # It's gonna be alright # Cos I love you, girl Ain't nobody gonna # stop us now #" Hal, what are you doing here?! Well, you're off work in five minutes and I am here to whisk you away for a night of romance.
Oh, honey, that's so sweet but I can't.
I've gotta cover for Craig tonight.
Why?! Oh, he's sick as a dog! He's the biggest faker in the world! The last time he was out with the flu we saw him jumping up and down in the window on the Today Show! But I was sick.
You didn't tape that, did you? I set my timer wrong.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! After all the trouble you went through.
No, it's no big deal.
Really, it wasn't any trouble.
Thanks again for the ride home.
So this is what it woulda been like to go to my prom.
All I wanted was a nice evening.
I even dug up the wedding vows I never was able to read to her.
What happened? She went into labour with Francis in the middle of the ceremony.
I was gonna read them to her tonight.
God, now I feel awful.
Don't worry about it, Craig.
It's not your fault.
No, I really feel awful.
Bleurgh! (MARSHMALLOW WHIMPERS) (Sssshhhh.
) (Are you awake?) (WHIMPERING) Honey, I'm so sorry about tonight.
Listen, tomorrow night I'm gonna fix us such a special dinner.
We'll lock the boys in the garage, open a bottle of wine (WHIMPERING) Oh, I know, honey.
I know.
(That's all I have.
) (WHIMPERS) (SIGHS) Is the roast medium rare? Did you put the wine in the fridge? My roast is perfect.
I never knew we had fancy silverware.
When was the last time you used this? The night you were conceived.
Want more details? No! Good.
Thank you for your help! Now get in your room and don't make a peep.
Move! He's not a dog! He's just pretend! What's for dinner? A dog?! Busted! Please, don't tell Mom! Please! Do you have a death wish? Just let me have him one night! Please, please! OK, Dewey, relax.
We won't tell.
Thank you! So when do we tell? As soon as Dad gets home.
It'll be funnier.
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
Me, too.
It's like there's something creepy in the air.
< Francis! Commandant Spangler! (SMASHING) What are you doing in Alaska? I've come for YOU, Francis.
I've been searching for you for months.
Me? Why? Why? Because .
after 32 years as an educator and disciplinarian, your DESERTION stood out as my only failure.
A FAILURE that haunted my every waking moment.
I began to see YOUR FACE in those of other young cadets who didn't deserve the wrath that I poured down on their innocent souls.
There was a lawsuit.
Charges were filed.
I can't even remember the fire but I do remember the CAUSE! Through all of my suffering .
I saw the STUPID grinning face of the one person responsible for all of my suffering! Who? Die! Die! Die! Sir, cut it out, your hooks are cold.
(CRIES) "(SOFT, ROMANTIC MUSIC)" And then Dewey and Marshmallow killed the evil dragon, rescued the poor little princess and flew all the way back home.
And they got medals and big red capes and everybody loved them.
(GROANS) Are you OK? (SNIFFS) Marshmallow! Whoa! Marshmallow, stop! > Boys, I told you to stay in your room! (Marshmallow, hide!) I don't understand it! An entire roast?! With your bare hands?! The salad, the potatoes, the green beans! What do you have to say for yourself?! I was hungry.
(Let's tell him about the dog and really nail his coffin shut!) (Not yet.
I have a hunch.
) An entire stick of butter?! (Now! Let's tell them now.
) (Wait for it, wait for it.
) Wait a second.
How could you eat a candle? I like candles.
I think they're good.
That's it! You are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped! Alright, young man, I think you're empty.
Well? He's fine.
We didn't find any candles but we did find some marbles and the waistband to a pair of underpants.
Don't ask.
Thank you, Doctor.
Alright, Dewey, this is the end.
You and your brothers are now officially in the red zone.
But - Red zone, mister! Tomorrow night I am taking your mother out on an emergency date.
It will be a beautiful, romantic evening that we need very badly and nothing is going to derail it on penalty of death! Good.
Do you want your army man? OK.
So, how's he doin'? I was up with him all night.
He got pretty wild but I think he's doin' better now.
I wanna die! Why can't I just die?! Stop talking like that, sir.
This is just a momentary setback.
I have nothing to live for.
Mother no longer acknowledges me.
I have no friends, no money.
I won't even tell you how I paid for my journey up here.
If it means anything to you, sir, you taught me how to be a man.
I have no idea who you are.
You don't remember me? After the hell that you put me through, you don't even remember me? Cadet Dudley? No, Eric! I just spent the last ten hours cradling you! Sir, this is because you're not feeling useful.
Look, I think I may have found you a job.
A what? It'd be with the Interior Department helping the environment.
You would be making a real difference.
I can do that.
Thank you, son.
And, please, thank that girl for rocking me in her arms all night long.
Bleurgh! Alright, who's ready for a fantastic night on the town? Oh, Hal! They're beautiful! Just give me two minutes to freshen up and I'll be ready to roll! Just stay put, Dewey.
You're doing great.
We've been in here for three hours! Hey, I'm just looking out for your best interests.
Dad just came home.
Let's tell 'em now so it ruins their date.
Or we can wait till they come home and they might be drunk.
Alright, boys, your father and I are leaving now.
I've left you the number for the restaurant.
If we get a call, it better be from the coroner.
Nothing is gonna ruin this night! My lady, your carriage awaits.
(BOTH GIGGLE) Well, I'm outta here.
Back at ten? Sounds good.
Dewey, you and your dopey dog are on your own for an hour or two! Nope.
Why? Did something happen to the dog? Oh, he's fine.
He's just busy destroying your comic books.
What?! (BARKS / GROWLS) That's it! You're getting rid of that thing right now! And you're gonna pay for this! I don't think so.
Oh, I think so! (BARKS) (SNARLS) Sit.
(GROWLS) I wasn't talking to him.
Ever since the day I was born you guys have been torturing me.
I remember you trying to switch me for another baby at the park.
I remember you telling me the tooth fairy was a vampire.
I remember every booger sandwich, every stink hat, Dewey, we're sorry! .
every waffle butt, every Chester Backster and every purple nurple! And now you're going to pay.
(BARKS) Dewey, this isn't gonna work.
Mom and Dad'll be home soon, that dog will be gone, you'll be in trouble and we'll kick your ass for ten years! I know.
So we'd better get started.
What do you want? Everything.
I want everything.
Hal, this place is beautiful! It's so romantic! Everything is fabulous! Yes, it is fabulous.
They have your favourite - oysters! We'll have to order those.
Actually, I had a big batch of oysters for lunch.
You did? Where did you get oysters? A guy has a cart outside the building.
Besides, I am dying to try this plain broth.
They're famous for it.
For their broth? Is that your friend from work? Who? That fat old man? Never mind.
I'm just so excited to be here.
Excuse me.
(Could you turn the air conditioning OK.
Hal, what are you up to? I'll never tell! (LAUGHS) I love this! I'm having such a great time.
Me, too.
Excuse me.
Hurry back.
(SHIVERS) Oh, excuse me, I need your help! Here, here's $20.
Go and buy me some medicine, some cold medicine, and serve it to me in a champagne glass.
But I - Just stop talking and go! (SHIVERS) Pencils down.
Who wants to read their essay first? Marshmallow, why don't you choose? (BARKS) "50 reasons why Dewey is the greatest brother in the history of the universe and I'm a worthless junk of garbage.
" Is that what we were supposed to be writing about?! From the top.
"50 reasons why Dewey is the greatest brother -" Stop! Something's not right.
Wait! There.
(DOORBELL CHIMES) Nobody move.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hello! I know someone's home! I saw shapes moving on the curtains! Marshmallow, guard! (GROWLS) Is your dad home? No.
They went to a restaurant but they said you should go over - I came to drop off some pants.
They got - Craig, help! Help us, please! Dewey's gone crazy! He's holding us prisoner! I'm sorry you had to see this.
(MARSHMALLOW GROWLS) "Number 12, his twinkling eyes.
" To us.
To us.
You know, Lois 'Don't pass out! No, no, keep it together!' 'Smile, smile! Laugh!' (BOTH LAUGH) 'You're going to throw up.
' 'OK, if it comes to it, aim for the ice bucket!' (BOTH LAUGH) # We're stinky and evil, we're dumb and sarcastic # While Dewey, in contrast, is super fantastic # That's why Dewey is king # Why Dewey is king # Hey, it's haircut time! Think of your favourite stooge and I'll be right back.
Marshmallow, if anyone moves, eat them.
(GROWLS) This is insane.
We've got to do something.
I'm Mo.
We don't have a choice.
On the count of three, we'll split up and all run for different doors.
He might get one of us.
Yeah, but two of us will get away and get help.
I'm willing if you are, I can't sing any more.
Ready? On three.
One, two, three! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! (BARKS) Good dog! No, no! (SNARLS) (SHOUTS) Aaaaaaargh! Craig's a good guy.
He always comes through for us.
I couldn't find any rusty scissors, so we're gonna have to use - Where is he? He should've been back by now.
Look, my palms are sweating! Would you calm down? Here he comes.
So? (SLURRED) For some reason, I was fired.
(CRASH!) I don't believe it, he's drunk again! Face it, Francis, there's no hope for this guy.
The only thing that ever made him happy was bullying helpless students.
Without that he's nothing.
You call that a collage? It is an insult to the craft! I can see paste coming up over the top of the Popsicle stick! Sorry, I have arthritis.
That's it.
You have just lost pudding for the whole group.
Feel free to thank Mrs Meekitjuk after I leave.
I feel like dancing.
Me, too.
Darling, there's something I've wanted to say to you for the longest time.
Uh-huh? I have to go to the hospital.
Oh, Hal, you don't know how happy that makes me! What do you think, one more can? No, we don't wanna spoil him.
Besides, he probably has to go to the bathroom now.
Who wants to go out in the front yard? I'll remember this, too.
"And how can words describe how I feel on this, the day of our marriage?" "You are my day, my night, the sun in my sky.
" "You are the Duran to my Duran.
" Oh, Hal! "Her name is Lois and she dances on the sand, just like that river twisting through a dusty land.
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And he said healthy gums are critical for healthy teeth.
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