Malcolm in the Middle s03e18 Episode Script

Poker #2

Good night, honey.
Good night.
Oh, honey, please not tonight, it's freezing.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # What do you think, more salt, more cilantro, a little zing of Tabasco? It's perfect, I can't taste any more.
OK, dips - creamy, salsa, crab and compote.
Chips - potato, corn, blue corn, sour cream and onion, salt and vinegar, Kettle.
Bait.
Is this why I didn't get a birthday present? This is my first time hosting the poker game.
I want everything perfect - at least better than their stuff.
Oh, do you know Brian's daughter, Chandra? Yeah! Of course.
Brian's bringing her and a friend.
Kristen? Ah, yes, something, but Brian is playing poker so I need you two to entertain them.
Don't bother us.
I want you and those girls in your room, all night, got it? There's your birthday present.
Who's Chandra? She's no-one to you, understood? Set one foot in our room tonight - you're dead.
Where am I supposed to go? I don't care but if I see you tonight, I'll charley horse every muscle in your body.
But Ow! It disturbs me how much I enjoyed that.
Don't make me do it again.
Hi, honey.
Hello.
You're working late? Yeah, 10.
30.
Good, something came up.
I've got to have dinner with someone.
Who? No-one.
It's just some old business, I don't want to talk about it, OK? Can I help? No.
I promise, I'll tell you everything when you get home.
OK.
Thanks.
He'll be gone by the time you get back.
Did you catch that "he" part? Hey, Brian, how are you? They're here, get out.
Boys, I know you know Brian and you kids know each other.
Yeah! No.
Anyway, entertain yourselves.
Your father and I have to conduct some business.
He has some of my money in his wallet.
Bring it on! May I take your wrap? Just cos Dad dragged us to this dump doesn't mean we have to talk to you.
Show us where we can sit where we won't catch fleas.
I'm going to see what Dewey's doing.
Hey.
You're Stevie, right? Can we help you in? I'm not deaf.
Did you hear him breathe? Ah.
Ah.
Did you hear the one about the astronaut and the hooker? Yeah, I didn't get it.
Dewey, I told you to stay in your room.
But Reese said - This is man time, you can't be here.
How's the dip? This is a sweet table.
What is it? A 52-incher? Yes, sirree! Nice, I've got the 54.
But you don't have my built-in drink holders.
Or my extra padded leather around the edges.
You can play all night and not feel it in your wrist.
This is nice, too.
How do you live with only three keys, I've got five.
I've got nine.
Guys, guys, guys, do we have to do this every week? You're right.
So, er, how's the kids? You're just asking so you can talk about yours.
Why shouldn't I? James has made captain of the wrestling team.
Stevie wrote a brand new program.
My daughter's essay won a trip to the White House.
Malcolm has an IQ of 165.
We know, you've been using that for six months.
(SHOUTS) Would you like something from the kitchen? (SHOUTS) No, .
.
thank you.
(SHOUTS) He doesn't want anything.
Do you think they'll offer to change his diapers? I can't believe Stevie's putting up with this.
I'll take care of it.
Let me explain something.
Stevie's no different than the rest of us.
He plays video games, he does chores around the house, he goes to the movies with friends.
He leads a completely normal life.
It's sad that he only has two months to live.
What? Stevie, they have a right to know.
Oh, my God, is it true? I've been told .
.
I'm very brave.
(BOTH) Aw! So Malik wins the breath-holding.
Abe got the most dip on a chip.
Trey has the longest neck.
Steve has the highest socks and Hal, well, Hal has nothing, so far.
The doctors are baffled.
Stevie's brain is too big for his head.
It's pressing up against his skull.
He only has two months before it explodes.
It's called encephalo neurop er, litis.
How horrible! What do you think you're doing? Helping Stevie.
It's weird but it feels good.
I like being the hero.
You're pimping a fatal disease to take advantage of a girl! For good.
Stevie, this is so unfair.
I have no regrets.
Well, one.
Old business, what do you think that means? I dunno.
An old boyfriend? I have no idea.
Those old relationships can really get a hold on you.
What's up with her ex-husband? He's still in jail.
Didn't his parole just come up? I dunno, maybe.
She'll tell me about it tonight.
Man, I really admire your maturity.
Thank you.
I'm the opposite, I over-analyse everything - like how Piama didn't kiss you goodbye, or her ex-husband being locked up without a woman for five years.
That's what's wrong with me, one suspicious conversation and I'm picturing sweaty bodies rolling around in front of a fire.
God, I've got a lot of growing up to do.
What are you doing here? You've kicked me out of my room.
I've nowhere to go.
Not my problem.
I don't want to hear you cry, it's a real mood killer.
Thanks, this light's much better for his eyes.
The music helps regulate my heartbeat.
I've got to call his vitals in to the doctor.
# "I'll Never Break Your Heart" - Backstreet Boys Missing something? What did you do with it? What are you doing with a gun? Give it back.
No! You don't bring a gun into this house.
Where is it? This is where my family lives.
You don't even know them.
What the hell is wrong with you? Tell me where it is.
No way.
It's not mine, it's my boyfriend's.
His parents search his room.
Well, they should, he's got a gun.
Tell me where it is.
No.
It's not even mine.
Ooh! Do you have anything in this house that isn't junk? No.
Oh, damn! Ahh! Who can stuff the most pretzels in their mouth? OK, who can throw a potato chip the farthest? I've never met anyone who was gonna die.
We're all dying I'm just .
.
going before Thanksgiving.
That's terrible.
It makes me .
.
appreciate .
.
the time I have.
Wow! That's beautiful.
You're so alive.
Can I tongue-kiss you? What? I'm sorry The pressure on my brain.
Aghh, aghhh.
Ohhh, you poor baby! (GIGGLES) What are you doing here? What do you think? Go pee outside.
Oh, for God's sake.
Out.
Get everything you need to make summer last.
And 750 extra Advantage Card points, this Saturday only, at Boots.
As we age, skin loses its plumpness and wrinkles appear deeper.
Enriched with patented: It plumps up the skin and wrinkles appear pushed up.
Like this.
Plumper skin, wrinkles appear reduced.
"At the tone the time will be "(BEEP)" Right to the millisecond.
I'm two seconds off.
I'm three.
Same here.
Hal, you don't even have a minute hand.
It's really more of a decorative piece.
Where is it? Where's what? Full house, nines over aces.
Yeah, looks like I'm on a roll and I expect to stay on one once I get home, if you know what I mean.
What is this, the third Wednesday of the month? Ooh! Hey, I do fine, thank you very much.
Oh, yeah, what's the number? Whoa, we're not going to do this.
Just deal the cards, will you? Three.
Four.
Four.
Four.
Five.
Two.
Two? Oh.
Just twice a week? Oh, per week? Oh, then, .
.
14.
He's telling the truth, I went on vacation with him.
If anything, he's underselling.
Well, I guess I win.
I mean, it's none of your business.
Don't care how you wear your socks, you ain't beating that.
Hey, hats off to you, man.
Now we know why you're bad at poker.
How do you keep your eyes open? Watch out, she must be angling for something big.
What are you talking about? You don't get anything free with women.
With that attitude it's no wonder you're not doing any better.
(ALL) Oh! Don't put that on me, pal.
Can we? When was the last time you sent your wife flowers? How come it's the man that has to send flowers? I would love flowers.
Might as well stretch, this is gonna take a while.
Women are independent beings who can make their own .
.
choices.
Look at any successful relationship, you'll find one common element - trust! Fine, but I didn't need the hour-and-20-minute speech.
I was going to ask if you wanted to take off early, but evidently you're not concerned so I - (BANG!) (DOOR SLAMS) Do you like this? Yeah.
Do you know something, Stevie? Maybe it was meant for me to be here with you.
Wasn't it fate that made Dawson's Creek a rerun so I came here? I guess fate .
.
can be kind, too.
Oh, this is so awful! Stop It's OK.
No, it's not OK.
I keep thinking about everything you're gonna miss out on.
You're never going to grow up.
You're never gonna go to your prom.
I mean, you're never gonna know what it's like to be loved.
What I'm thinking about doing goes against everything I believe in, but, then, I don't even know what I believe in any more.
It's, like, what kind of a God could just let you die like this? I'll ask .
.
when I see him.
When was the last time you just made time to talk to her? You're perfectly happy not sharing your feelings.
Just get off my back! There it is, you're shutting me out.
Just talk to me! So you can twist my words and throw them back at me? How many times do I have to apologise for that? 'You've been drinking.
' I warned you.
My boyfriend's coming over.
He's gonna get that gun from you.
Oh, little Marky's gonna come over and scare me(!) I broke up with Marky, I'm dating Derek Fowler.
Derek Fowler? He's a psycho! What happened to Marky? You guys were great together.
Derek's gonna make you tell him.
Where are you going? I don't wanna be here when he shows up.
Chandra, I'm going home.
Sayonara! Well, maybe I'll just call the cops.
Let's hope they get here first.
That's it, I've had it.
(Dewey, shut up.
) You guys broke all my stuff.
Look, I don't want you to ruin this.
This is all I have left.
There, now you've got nothing to worry about.
End of discussion.
Oh, my God, how can a night that's turned out so badly get even worse? Wait, don't panic.
Think for a second.
No, this is good, this is sensible.
I make those kinds of statements and just assume she knows I'm sorry.
And you know what, that's not right, she deserves better than that.
That's all I needed to hear.
I'm gonna tell her how much I love her.
Let's go, man.
Yeah.
Go.
Hello Earl, is that you? What the hell are you doing at my house? Hello? I'm - I'm going to go home now cos I've got a thing to do tomorrow.
Ok, take care.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Catch you later.
Call you Well, I guess the game's over.
(ALL) Yeah.
You know, I wondered why Earl never came to the game.
Dad, I've tried to be understanding about all this but there is a limit.
You have a right to know what's going on.
Dewey, now is not the time to be Normally, I don't mind being a snitch but this even makes me sad.
This is what your son is up to.
Stevie?! Where's Reese? About to take a scented bath.
What's going on? > Lamb chop, put your sweater on.
Dad I Stevie, how co- It's not what it looks like.
Well, it looks like she was on your lap! (BOOM!) (ALL SCREAM) Oh, my God, his head exploded! Abe, are you OK? I think so.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Everyone OK? I mean, what was that? Face it, Dad, you are a crappy father.
All you ever cared about was women, drinking and stealing.
You know what? I can't talk about this any more.
How many times do I have to say it? I need money.
Guess who's home? What are you doing here? I got off early.
Hello, I'm Francis, Piama's husband.
You're married? Didn't think that was worth mentioning? Francis, I told you Hey, I had a life before I met you.
Maybe I haven't been fair to you, our relationship wasn't all bad.
Remember all the tickle fights? Yeah, those were wild.
One time we were taking a bath and she started squirming so - Aghhh! I don't want to hear this.
C'mon, it's a funny story, Francis, and he loves telling it, don't you, Dad? Dad? Yeah.
I just Oh, er I'm so sorry.
I just I mean, it's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
Do you have any money? No.
Well, tonight's been a big ball of nothing.
I'm gonna go finish off my shift.
'Love ya, honey!' You are never seeing that girl again and never seeing that boy again.
You are not seeing daylight for the next six months.
Just tell me what happened.
We .
.
were playing .
.
cards.
OK.
Let's start with you.
Well, .
.
it's like .
.
this.
You found the gun, didn't tell your father, handled it, hid it inside the house, handled it again to move it, tried to destroy it with a hacksaw, and at no point did you contact the police until after the gun went off? Yes.
What did you say your IQ was? Man, what a night.
Yeah.
I couldn't believe how scared I was.
You were scared?! I was way more scared than you guys.
I screamed like a little girl.
I could have broke glass the way I screamed.
You sounded like a hero compared to how I screamed.
Straight up, I screamed.
I screamed, now, I screamed Get everything you need to make summer last.
And 750 extra Advantage Card points, this Saturday only, at Boots.
You know when your cat doesn't want to know.
You'll know when he doesn't want to be disturbed.
And you'll know when he wants something he really likes.