Malcolm in the Middle s03e19 Episode Script

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FROM THE OTHER SINK) # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # This is stupid! We didn't do anything! What do we need a psychiatrist for? We need professional help.
Thanks for squeezing us in.
Why do we all have to be here? He's the one who's afraid of sharks in the shower.
He doesn't walk in his sleep and pee on the TV.
My wife told you about the car? Yes, the joyriding incident.
$700 worth of damage! We are at our wits' end.
I authorise you to do whatever it takes.
Drugs, brainwashing, electroshock - Maybe I'll start with talking.
You're the expert.
You do whatever the doctor says.
You better be cured when I get back! Well, looks like we have some work to do, don't we? Take a seat.
So, let's go over the ground rules.
This is a safe zone.
And what that means is when one of you talks, everybody listens.
And listening does not include interrupting, name-calling, or passing judgment on what was said.
Everybody can say what they want, and feel OK about it.
Can I have a piece of candy? No.
This is ridiculous! We didn't take their car! We were watching TV.
We were good.
I had stuff scheduled for later, but - A lot of damage was done to the car.
Somebody else must have driven it.
OK, let's back up.
Let's talk about the home.
There's a leak in the roof over my bed.
No, about your family life.
Look, don't analyse us.
You can poke and prod and delve all you want, but you're not gonna find any psychological issues.
We're normal.
"(DRILL BUZZES)" # I don't like my brothers, I only like me.
I hate my brothers.
# I only like me # (BOTH SHOUT) Stop it, right now, I mean it! When are you gonna be done? Soon as I can, honey.
I said stop it! Five across (MUMBLES) What'd you do? What? Don't give me that.
What'd you do? Nothing.
Mom, I'm trying to study.
Oh! So you don't mind if I, er, took a look in here! Mom, I'm telling you, we didn't do anything.
You boys are up to something.
I can smell it.
If you've broken another window, it is gonna come out of your Are you done? You wanna frisk me? You just consider yourselves lucky.
This time.
(CREAK!) (CREAK!) That was close.
Our only problem is our parents think we're lying and we're not.
Hey! A breakthrough! You're obviously a very bright young man.
Would you like to spend the hour telling me how bright you are? OK, let's talk about your parents.
Now, if you had to describe them in a few words, how would you do that? I don't know.
Mom is .
Everybody up! Aagh! Arrgh! Aargh! I need to do laundry before work! Aaagh! Agh! I am taking breakfast off the table in five minutes.
And Dad's What is Dad? Who wants to make five bucks? How? I need someone to take the fall.
'Oh, my God!' What did you do? I can't tell you.
Yes or no.
No questions asked.
'Oh, my God!' Make it ten.
OH, MY GOD! Good son.
I got him, honey.
I got him, don't worry! You have another brother, Francis? Did I tell you what they did to him? Classic first-born scenario - a free-and-easy couple has a kid and their world's turned upside down.
Even after other kids, the oldest one is a symbol for everything wrong in their lives, through no fault of his.
Dad, I know what you're gonna say, and believe me, I totally agree.
There is no excuse for what I did.
It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry.
I'm just hoping against hope, you will give me another chance, which I admit, I don't deserve.
But if you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back.
They had it out for him from the start.
You kids have a lot of issues with your parents.
Do you ever discuss any of this with them? You never tell your parents your feelings? We try.
I put newspapers in the blender and set it on fire as a cry for help.
I mean talk, with words, you know, talk about the subject at hand.
You know, a lot of families do that, er, round the dinner table.
That can be a really good environment to share your feelings.
Great pancakes, Dad(!) Oh, thanks! Hey, who's ready for seconds? (CHOKES) I am.
Here are the house rules - you can't reach for seconds until you're finished.
But if a fork leaves the perimeter of the plate, all bets are off.
It's mine! There's a big explosion and bubbles.
That's where babies come from.
(ALL LAUGH) You know what? Close enough! Look at this - I made a pea angel.
You're a pea, angel! Stop playing with your food.
(ALL LAUGH) Oh, Mom! Don't you dare.
I wasn't really going to.
Then, don't.
I wasn't going to.
Then, don't.
Don't accuse me of something I wasn't going to do.
Interesting mood shift.
It would take hours to explain the psychology.
So let me just put it this way.
Kid with matches.
Are you gonna throw that at Mom? I wasn't going to.
Jeez, Louise.
I can handle this.
Reese, I'm warning you.
I wasn't going to.
But if you think I would, I should.
He's panicking.
Just put the spoon down and apologise.
OK, she gave him an out.
What? I wasn't gonna do anything! Just stop talking and let me think! Dad, do something.
I got it.
What do you think you're doing? I'm being cute and spontaneous? (BOTH LAUGH) (ALL LAUGH) Splat! (ALL LAUGH) Don't do it.
I wasn't going to! Well, I got this far in life without anyone believing me.
Why should anything be different now? A guy who leaves thumbtacks on the toilet seat's misunderstood(!) Hey! You taught me my name in French was "latrine"! Don't interrupt.
You sold my bike for $3 the day we moved to Canada! We don't - I spit in Dewey's cereal this morning.
I mean - I drank that! I licked the bowl! I hate you! Shut up, pit-stain! You started it! Shut up! You shut up! Shut up! Stop it! This is not how therapy works! You are going to respect each other, and, dammit, going to respect me.
You're gonna behave, and continue with this session.
Understood? Stop it! This is a safe zone! (SCREAMS) A safe zone! Stupid Aargh! Lamisil Once is a revolution in Athlete's Foot treatment.
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Will it do my bit of grey? All your grey, Mum.
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Here's what you boys need to know.
You cannot break me.
I worked in prisons! I had a 17-year-old serial killer hugging my knees and crying like a little girl.
Those aren't Fisher Price diplomas - I went to Harvard.
I had a starring role in The Mikado! (My arms are tired.
) (Don't give him the satisfaction, Dewey.
) This is nothing.
Mom makes us do this in the rain.
OK, you can relax.
(SIGHS) Try this.
If you picked one thing about how your parents treat you, what would you change? The biggest problem is that they don't trust us.
They assume if they leave us alone, we'll get in trouble.
Nine days past expiration.
Urgh! Expired two months ago.
You don't have the guts.
Bleurgh! When was the last Christmas we had eggnog? I think before Dewey.
(FIZZING) It's all you, man.
(COUGHS) Bottom of the ninth.
Two outs.
Man on first.
The wind up The pitch Uh-oh.
Oh, man, we are so dead! That's it.
Game over! Yeah.
So I win.
What? Past the lamp is a home run.
Two men score.
That was a foul ball! Are you crazy? It was down the line! It was foul! Shut up! You're home plate, you don't vote.
Do over.
Fine by me.
Oh, crap! Now we really have to quit.
But that was a triple.
Get back up.
Let me ask you - how do you see yourselves? Reese, what do you think your role in the family is? I guess I'm the bad boy.
The one that ruins everything.
Every family has that guy.
He makes you cry, makes you hate coming home at the end of the day knowing I'm gonna be there.
It's a lot of work.
But I guess it's pretty satisfying.
What are you looking at, monkey-boy? Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese! What are you doing? Help, ow, help! Mom, help! Ow, ow! Cut it out! Help, it hurts! Ow! Knock it off, you little - Reese! What the heck are you doing? God, you can't leave him for five minutes without picking on him! I didn't do anything! No! What you looking at? Reese's report card.
Much better than last time.
Really? He used the same brand of pen as the teacher to change his grade! Look! He gave himself a C in Math instead of an A-plus.
Nice attention to detail.
He's really learning.
Two months grounded? Three, scrubbing toilets.
And how do you see your place in this family? Er, I'm the favourite.
The one everybody loves the most.
The cute one.
The one everybody looks out for and gives presents to, sometimes even make the birds sing to me, and the clouds spell my name.
(PANTS) Come on! You said I could play! You have to go down there again.
No! You're the only one that'll fit.
No, I always go get it, and you never let me play.
We'll let you play.
We promise.
(GRUNTS) Come on! Throw here! You promised! No way! (GROANS) Agh! What, can't sleep? No, I have this terrible feeling we've forgotten something.
Trash, locks, lights Oh, well, whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait till the morning.
Oh, my Alright, son.
Son, I think you've learned your lesson.
Thanks, Dad.
Gotta stop doing this.
Hup! Aaaarrrrggghhhh! (CRASH!) Agh! I try not to throw it in their faces but sometimes I can't help it.
What about you, Malcolm? What's your place in the family? I dunno, I'm the middle one.
How do you fit in with this family? Well, I Go ahead.
Well, I guess I .
I don't fit in.
I mean, honestly, sometimes I feel I've been dropped into this family from outer space.
Well, that's interesting.
Now, how - He's the one that fixes everything.
What? Yeah, he figures everything out and solves a lot of our problems.
Yeah, kinda like that gay kid with the scarf in Scooby Doo.
The leader.
You guys think that? Sure, they do.
I mean, it's pretty obvious that you're the ringleader.
What? It happens all the time.
An intelligent, sensitive kid with poor impulse control, surrounded by people who don't challenge you mentally.
You get bored and look for trouble.
I don't! Isn't that what happened last night? You were sitting with your brothers, nothing to do but watch TV, thinking the way to end the crushing boredom was to stir up excitement? He didn't do it! None of us did! There's a lot of options for you.
There's placement programmes, camps, special schools - You wanna send me away? You can't do that! He's our brother! I merely suggested - I'm not going! You can't make him! We're good kids! "(ALARM BUZZES)" Agh! Aargh! Oh! Argh! Aarrgh! Aaarghhh! Oooh! Al! I'm late for work! Aarghh! Don't do this! You can't leave me alone with Reese! We're out of time.
What is the deal with this door? Is there some kind of baffling built into it? You have three very special boys here.
I'd like to sit with you and your wife - Dad, he wants to send - Malcolm, let me talk to the doctor.
Maybe we ought to speak privately.
Boys, go wait in the car.
(SMASH!) 'What the hell - ?!' 'Everyone alright?' What! That's my car! I know I set the brake! See! Just like the other night.
We didn't take it out.
It just rolled out by itself! You boys were actually telling us the truth? You're a genius! Boys, let's go get you some ice cream, huh? Listen, there's a lot we haven't - Oh, absolutely! Doc, I have no idea how you did it.
In just an hour! I'm putting in a little extra for ya.
But - Thanks.
Oh, isn't it great to feel like a family again? Cheers! Stop touching me! I'm not, I was clipping on my tie.
While you were touching me.
Stop it! Why do we have to do this? We don't have a picture of us all together.
We're a family - we should have a family portrait.
Francis isn't here.
I'm not gonna cough up $200 to fly him in for one silly picture.
Where's Dewey? Dewey, get out of there - that's not your family.
You sure you want Autumn Leaves as a backdrop? Yes! You didn't even look at Happy Windmills.
It's more colourful.
Ooh, Space Shuttle! Next! I have a coupon for one 8x10 and two wallet size for $9.
I want that.
Not the Golden Moments, Family and Friends Collection or the Lifetime of Love.
I want one 8x10 and two wallet size for $9.
We have an instalment plan, if that would help.
I brought a picture of Francis so he's in the portrait.
I'll hold it.
I'm gonna hold it.
Let go! Come on! Dewey, pants on, mister.
Sorry, this coupon's expired.
What?! What you want'll run you $39.
Ooh! Lonely Beach! We're kind of a Lonely Beach family.
Hal! Another $5 and you have the Instant Memories set with double-exposure silhouettes.
Please just do what I'm asking you - I'm older! It was my idea! (RIP!) Yaarrgghhhh! That is it! Get up! Get back! Come here! Go there! We are gonna take this picture, and it is gonna be good.
And that means no faces, no tongues, no crossed eyes, no bunny ears.
We are gonna smile and look good, it will cost $9.
99, and all this'll happen by the time I count three.
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