Malcolm in the Middle s03e20 Episode Script

Jury Duty

What - ?! (GRUNTS FRUSTRATEDLY) Those kids! Not my Frampton Comes Alive! (MOANS) (LAUGHS ANGRILY) "Honest, Dad, we didn't even know you had a watch!" Thank God they paved the drive last year! # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # 'Jury duty? They want me to do jury duty?!' I can't believe this! You can't do it.
Spring break is coming up.
The boys are gonna be out of school.
I can't handle them by myself! You're gonna have to tell them no! That's not one of the options, Hal.
What are they thinking? Jury duty?! This is America! I don't have a choice! Oh, yes, you do.
You wanna get out of jury duty? You just let me handle this.
(ALL) We, the jury, promise to faithfully uphold This'll be great! I've never been ice-fishing before.
It combines my two favourite things, ice and holes! A bunch of guys roughing it! A true test of courage and determination! Man against the elements! No crust on mine, thank you.
I hope you packed enough toilet paper for four! (ALL CHEER) You're kidding! How'd you get Piama's permission? I don't need my wife's permission! I picked a fight.
She kicked me out.
(ALL CHEER / LAUGH) Oh, my God, Dewey, you are not gonna believe what just happened! We were supposed to go exploring in the sewer! I waited two hours for you! You're not listening.
This is incredible! You promised that when spring break started, you would take me! I did all your chores, all your homework, I took your antibiotics - Dewey, just shut up! We're trying to tell you something important.
We just saw Stevie's mom naked! And she's a total babe.
We were at Stevie's getting stuff for the sewer when we hear something behind us.
We turn around and there she was, in the hallway, naked! Buck naked, except for her shower cap.
First she was screaming, then Stevie was, then I was Yeah.
Why'd I do that? Then she tore the curtains down to cover up! But you could see through them.
I'm so glad they just remodelled.
That is not a good reason! Mom walks around here naked all the time! She was naked this morning.
She - If you've just combined those two things in my head, I will kill you! No, we're good.
So, she was - I got to get going.
Where are the boys? At the library.
I know.
But if they were doing something really bad, they'd have come up with a better lie.
So, deliberations start today.
Nervous? Nice try.
You know I can't talk about it.
OK! Is the counselman as tall as he looks on TV? Hal! Yes! Your eyebrow went up! It did not.
It's the Panty Bandit, isn't it? This isn't right! We're married.
We tell each other everything.
We've never kept secrets from each other in our entire relationship.
I keep secrets from you all the time.
Oh, fine(!) Go! I won't keep you from your .
.
big, secret trial! Thank you very much! (CHORTLES) For what? Oh, nothing.
Nothing at all.
You didn't say a word.
(CACKLES) This sucks! We been here 15 hours.
We haven't caught a single fish.
How much longer will this take? You never know.
I been ice-fishing my entire life, never even seen a fish.
I'm with Francis.
I got bored on the drive here! Can we at least talk? About what? We could use this opportunity to get to know each other better.
You know, one time I walked in on my two dads making love! Guilty.
Not guilty.
And guilty.
That's seven guilty and five not guilty.
The contention, for those of you who don't think Marty stole the bike - If it'll get us out of here earlier, I'll change my vote.
What?! I don't feel that strongly either way.
Yeah, me, too! Which side was winning again? This is not a question of winning, or of voting to get out of here early! We have to have some basis for deciding.
There was a trial! And evidence, and laws Yeah-yeah-yeah.
Let's vote one more time before we get into all that detail.
We might just get lucky.
Who wants to change their votes? Whatever! There you go! It's unanimous.
Hey, wait! What do you think you're doing?! You can't send a 17-year-old kid to jail just cos you wanna go home early.
For God's sake, we took an oath! Did you vote guilty? Yes, because - Then, there's no problem.
We're all just agreeing.
Fine(!) Then, I vote not guilty.
This is cool! There's no alligators down here, right? That's made up? But if there were, they'd probably be blind, or albino, or transparent! But that's not real.
This is so cool! He hasn't shut up all morning.
I was just as excited the first time Francis took us.
It's kinda cute.
Did you get the snake? Right here.
They'll hear him screaming in Russia.
Dude, finish the story! She was standing there, buck naked! I went like this.
(GASPS) Malcolm was like this.
(GASPS) It was incredible! The sun was behind her.
She was glowing.
A naked, glowing angel! Stevie, back me up on this.
That's what she looked like, right? Can we go now? I get to lead! No, rear.
No, wait.
Front! I'll scout ahead! What? You are talking about his mom.
Change the subject.
Show some class.
OK, I get it.
Whoo, Stevie! Is that you or the sewer?! It turns out it wasn't a boil they removed but the vestiges of my unborn twin! OK, let's just go.
(ALL) Yeah! Good idea! Best idea I've heard all day! OK, here's something interesting.
There's a gigantic bear out there! Don't worry.
It's part of living in Alaska.
How far away is it? (GROWLING / CRASHING) Well, answer the question! (DOORBELL) It's open! I thought we were having lunch today.
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
What's all this? My research on the trial Lois got assigned to.
Oh, my God! Reyes?! Did she talk about the four-fingered magician? Was he any good? She won't tell me anything.
I dug this up on my own.
Information is being suppressed from the jury.
Lois will have to find Moynihan guilty.
Why not? He did it.
You're a fool! Everyone knows the wife killed him.
What? She loved him.
Didn't you read the letter? How come she didn't admit being married before? She was underage and it was annulled.
It means nothing.
The judge ruled it inadmissible.
The same judge that won't allow the cab driver to testify! Well, if the wife did it, why did four witnesses say they saw a man leave the crime scene? Oh! A man .
.
like this?! You just drew hair on! If I could do it, she could! She worked for two years at the Windmill Theatre.
Let me see that! OK, here's our mark.
When we came here with Francis, this is the farthest we've ever gone.
This is it?! This is as far as you went?! Who would brag about this? Mr Alligator? So, Stevie, did your mom go to college? What?! Did she get a degree? Was she in a sorority? Wait a minute.
Unless we thought some girl called Molly Hatchet ruled, this isn't our mark.
This has to be it! We went right, right, straight, left, right, left, and right again.
No! We went right, left, left, then straight, left, right, straight! No.
We went .
.
right, .
.
left, .
.
straight Oh, man, we're lost! What? No! Oh, man! What are we gonna do?! Nice! We got him crying! No, we really are lost! What? What do we do?! I knew you'd find some way to ruin this for me! Even when you're trying to be nice, you make me miserable! And now I get to die in the sewer! A perfect end to a crappy life! Shut up, Dewey! Alright.
Let's focus on finding a way out.
Stevie's mom must be worried by now.
Shut up about my mom! What? I simply made a comment.
You're a perv! I have a healthy interest in the opposite sex.
Well, they don't return the favour! What does that mean? Girls hate you.
That's not true! Yes, it is.
Come on, Reese.
You're a joke.
Yeah.
Even I know it.
.
Marty claims he was at work, but his boss says he didn't show up until 6:00.
The gas-station attendant puts Marty there between 4:00 and 4:30, and as we remember from testimony - Can we vote again?! We've been through this five times! We vote guilty, she votes not guilty.
We vote not guilty, she votes guilty.
Yeah.
So you go first this time! Alright! I abstain.
(ALL GROAN) What is it that you want, lady? I want you to do your job! Weigh the facts of this case and make a reasoned decision! You have the sworn testimony of the arresting officer, in which he states - Yeah, if you believe what he says.
OK! Fair enough.
It is a question of credibility.
You have a high-school dropout with a history of reckless behaviour against a police-force veteran.
You can't trust cops.
They're always comin' up with ways to get you! That's right! My neighbour's a cop and he's got a 30-foot boat.
How can he afford that on a police salary? They all get away with it! (ALL TALK AT ONCE) Stop! This is not about how you feel about cops! This is not about who you like and who you hate! This is about what you believe happened, based on the facts.
Did Marty or did Marty not steal the motorcycle?! Wait, I thought Marty was the cop! Fine(!) Let's go through this again.
Yes? Is it OK to hate you? Absolutely.
But the money was really being funnelled to Mr Reyes's mistress and their love child.
Once Moynihan found out, it was "Good night, Mr Reyes".
You've got nothing! He was seen arguing with the victim.
He can't account for his whereabouts when the murder occurred, and they found the murder weapon in his car! Means, motive and opportunity! It's all a little too neat! Because he's guilty! My gut says he didn't do it! Saying so doesn't make it so! Talk to this guy! YOU'RE AN IDIOT! (CRASHING) Oh, my God, that thing's a monster! I've been around bears 40 years.
There's nothing to worry about.
Really? Yep! We just got to stay real quiet.
Pretty soon he'll get bored and fly away, .
.
that is, unless he's protecting his eggs.
This is crazy! We can't stay here! Somebody's got to make a run for the truck.
That's a suicide mission! Well, what are we supposed to do? Stay here and starve to death? He's right.
I say we try it.
I vote for Eric.
What?! Go to hell! I'm not going! You go! I have a wife at home! And my life doesn't mean anything? Artie's the camp outcast.
Pete's an old coot! It's a miracle he's alive! I should've slit your throat when I had the chance.
(ALL YELL) This all looks the same! Yes, this is the same.
It's all been exactly the same ever since the day I was born.
I start to trust them, they make me regret it.
I get my hopes up and they destroy them.
I - Shut up! We get it! Every girlfriend you ever had left you crying like a baby! What?! Oh, who's Mr Big Shot now? I'm a joke with the girls, huh? What's worse, being a joke or a crybaby? I wasn't crying that hard! You wet your pants.
Oh, like you've ever even been with a girl! I have a note from my doctor! I could get a doctor if I wanted to.
THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! That's right! Turn on each other.
Well, you know what? No girls like any of you.
And I don't blame them.
You're all pathetic.
You know who's a joke? Girls! Yeah! They make our lives miserable.
You can never understand what they want.
They always say, "Stop staring.
" They don't laugh at farts! They only wanna talk about clothes.
They cry all the time.
Man, this is helping us get out(!) (FRANTIC PANTING) Whoo! Time? Time?! (SHRIEKS TRIUMPHANTLY) In yer face! See? The wife did have time to run down here from home! That leaves her two minutes to stab him, remove the head, and still make it to the party in time.
It makes sense! And the blood magically jumped to his clothes(!) Do you really need this spelled out? After killing her husband, she took off the bloody suit and rubbed it all over Moynihan! Impossible! You just don't wanna be proven wrong! I am not wrong! The knife entered at a downward angle.
She was 5'2".
He was 6'4".
She'd have had to ask him to pick her up so she could stab him! She could've stood on something! Oh, she brought a stepladder(!) Look! A milk crate! She could've hidden behind the dumpster, stood on the crate, pulled out the knife and stabbed him several times with a downward motion, like this! (SCREAMING) Agh! (SCREAMING CONTINUES) I may be fat, stupid, colour-blind and dyslexic, but I don't have three nipples! Shut up! That's a mole.
You! Your family changed their name so you couldn't track them down.
No-one will miss you.
I'm sure it started with an O.
All three of you are pea-brained idiots! And I do suffer more than everybody else.
(GROANS) Let's just vote on it! Who votes for Francis? Who votes for Eric? Artie? Pete? Four votes! No, you tricked me! Argh! He'll reject me! I I've tried me! I taste awful! Arrgh! Alright, that's the worst thing any of us has ever done.
I'm not proud, but we had no choice.
Like I care about your opinion! Wait a minute.
Why don't we hear eating? (ENGINE ROARS) He got to the truck! Pete! Pete! Pete! See you in hell! (SOUND OF ENGINE RECEDES) The witness saw Marty gassing up the motorcycle an hour after the theft.
That gas station closes at 5:00.
Not on Fridays.
That's in the transcript.
Er, I think we're ready for another vote! Lois? Go ahead.
By show of hands, who thinks the defendant is guilty? Great! Let's go tell the judge.
Wait! I don't think Marty is guilty.
What?! I went through all these papers.
The kid sings in a church choir.
He wouldn't do something like this.
That is not fact.
That's bias.
You're basing a decision on feelings that have nothing to do with facts! Facts are things, like witnesses seeing Marty steal the bike, like Marty being apprehended while he was driving it! Like Marty pulling tons of stupid stunts just like this one.
Those are the facts.
I just don't wanna send that poor boy to jail! Believe me, jail will do more good than three years of military school.
Military school? I didn't read anything about that.
Oh, yeah! I know I saw that somewhere.
He dropped out of vocational school.
After the school where he got caught messing with the teacher's aid.
No, I know for a fact that Francis went - Who? Oh, my God! I think I have to excuse myself from this jury.
All in favour? I'm trying to be the best me I can be, but I don't know what to say to girls, so I say something mean.
I'm afraid of getting hurt.
My problem is, I get so frustrated over things I can't control.
I forget people have their own will.
I play .
.
mind games.
It's all I have.
Why isn't there ever a flash flood when you need one? I really want a girlfriend.
I want somebody to hang out with! Yeah.
Someone you can talk to.
Someone to hug.
Someone to show my poetry to.
You write poetry? I dabble.
What do you think of Brenda Pollock? She's nice.
She'd be good for you.
You'd make a cute couple.
I thought so, too.
Hey, I know this sounds weird, but can I read you one of my poems? We'd love it.
ARGH! AGH! (ALL SCREAM) (ALL) Aaaargh! (ALL CONTINUE TO SCREAM) (GIGGLING) Hey! What happened? Did you read them your poetry? (GIRLS CONTINUE TO GIGGLE) You guys can't even do this right! I wanna serve on another jury! I messed up this time, but next time I won't.
I don't schedule that.
I'm sure you have connections.
Please! There was a mistrial.
Everything's backed up.
You'll have to wait.
I'll do the best I can, if you'll stop bothering me right now.
Deal! I gotta go.
My husband's probably going crazy without me!