Malcolm in the Middle s03e21 Episode Script


'I agree, Mrs Wiggins.
These pastries are delightful.
' Son, whatcha doing? I'm having a tea party with Mrs Bear and the ladies.
Oh, that's good.
Care to join us? Yeah, I have actually, a Why don't we go buy that stealth bomber model you've been asking for? OK.
Sometimes it's just too easy.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # Want to camp in front of PC World? The Norton anti-virus is out.
Your mom let you? She's there now! Are you serious? What's the big deal? We have a life outside this place.
How are we doing, gentlemen? Everyone sticking to the experiment? Absolutely.
Right on track, sir.
I know how tempting it is .
to stray from a rigidly defined protocol.
It's the siren's song of pure research but you must resist her seductive powers because (ALL) Unstable compounds require stable minds.
It's like he's talking to children.
It was a legitimate variation.
There was less than a 48% chance this would happen.
Well, your cavalier disregard for the laws of the classroom, not to mention the laws of nature, have led to the inevitable.
It will now take weeks to decontaminate that classroom.
During that time, you'll be placed back into the general population.
(ALL GASP) We can't do that.
The whole school hates us.
They'll destroy us! Rage is a projection of their own insecurities.
And as for me I've been offered a temporary position in the phys ed department where I'll get to wear a whistle .
and dress in shorts! I'm sure none of this will be reflected in your grades(!) Don't play connect the dots with your chickenpox.
You'll get an infection.
I'm bored! I know.
It's no fun being sick.
I'm bored! I'm itchy! I'm bored! Honey, remember we were gonna use our not-horrible voice? I'm bored! Then find something to do! Here.
Play with these.
I don't wanna.
You will be contagious for six days.
Want to spend them here, like a good boy, or in the hospital? You don't go to the hospital for chick OK.
Damn it! Maybe we could tack up a blanket.
I'll tear the porch down and build another one.
Good luck getting permission from the council.
What? Part of the house is on tribal land, from the window to the wolf picture.
What? The whole house used to be on the reservation, but my idiot grandfather built it on a glacier.
It moves two inches a year.
In Wow.
So, part of this house is on an Indian reservation? Dealer has 20.
Look at them.
All they're thinking about is how many places they'll dispose of my body.
Hey, Ian, Eddie! How are you doing? What are you doing? There's no more seats.
There's a seat over there.
Scoot over.
Go sit down.
You're gonna get in trouble.
Hey! Hey! Wassup? Wassup? God, it's so great to have a normal conversation.
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Is that from the new Ministry album? What? Abandon all hope.
Is that from the new Ministry album? Actually, it's from Dante's Inferno.
It's the inscription over the gates of hell.
That is way dark.
Kick that guy's butt! Remember when I did? No, he kicked your butt! You want me to kick your butt?! Argh! Damn! A splinter! You are dead! You are dead! Argh! Don't pick! It will get infected.
What? You're making it worse.
Let me get it.
You carry a first-aid kit? Just a crisis pouch.
I leave the kit in my locker.
Wow! That didn't hurt at all! Thanks.
Hey, Dewey.
Wow! Look at that! Is this helping take your mind off the itching? It was.
Oh, you've got a split and you've got a crossover.
All those dominoes.
All set up.
Just ready to Hey! Check out Alesha.
En fuego.
Yeah, she's cute.
Check out Pam.
Muy en fuego.
Totally! Yeah, she's cute, too.
Excuse me.
(RAP MUSIC) Hey, Stevie.
It looks like everyone found a place.
Parasites adapting to a new host body.
Except Herkabe, I guess.
We heard the cleanup crew's gonna put their dumpster where we skate.
Where are we supposed to go? Why do they pick on us? Damn Krelboynes.
I'll think of something.
Hey, Malcolm.
Can you settle this? You know Stacy? Yeah.
Is she en fuego or muy en fuego? Hard to say.
My God! Dewey! Look what you've built here! You have stairs and a ramp! You've spelled your name.
Oh, so many, .
many dominoes.
Where did they all come from? From the Lippers.
They got a crate the year Mr Lipper was paralysed.
They even buried him with one of his dominoes.
So this isn't really a complete set.
Oh, no, Dewey, don't scratch.
It's itchy! I know, but sometimes you just have to restrain yourself.
Even if you feel like ripping your eyes out of their sockets rather than go one more second without scratching.
Will you watch this for me? I have to go to the bathroom.
OK, son.
Reese! Don't even think about it! What's going on? He was about to knock down Dewey's dominoes.
What? I didn't do anything.
You're not going to.
They're keeping Dewey from driving my crazy! If they get knocked over, I'll blame you.
If a door slams and knocks them over, I'll blame you.
If a condor dies in flight, crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I'll blame you! But that's not fair.
I will blame you! Don't.
What? I saw that look.
What look? My look! Now I know where I got it from.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Let's go.
I can get it myself.
It's alright.
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Man, I can't believe the school gave the skaters our basketball court! Skaters safety program.
Sounds suspicious.
So what do we do? We kick their butts! Guys! Guys! There's an easier way.
We'll take over the east court.
No, that's where the Goths hang out.
Why don't you let me worry about the Goths? They can't take our court! That's where I second-hand smoke! Some old lady complained we were scaring her.
No, you weren't.
Look at this handwriting, the girlish swirls.
This is no old lady.
It's Dabney.
Well, where are we supposed to go now? What about the posers' corner? You're trippin' if you think you'll stop us! This is our turf now! We're in the middle of a student council meeting.
That ain't no thang.
Thang is 200 years of oppression in this country.
What are you talking about? It's off the hook.
Justice in the hole, too.
You haven't heard the last of this! Sucker! Um, Kevin, you're supposed to wear underwear with those.
(ALL ARGUE) Don't make me blow this! Do not make me blow this! Who removed my whistle pea?! That is a detentionable offence! It's awfully tempting, isn't, Hal? Go ahead.
I'll blame it on Reese.
You'll get off scot-free.
Alright! Pencils down! Turn in your geometry tests.
But I didn't study! Turn around, old man.
There's nothing for you here.
I can't take this any more.
If I hear one more en fuego (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) .
and six on top for the dealer.
Whoops! Free deal.
Hey! I had blackjack! You're cheating me out of my winnings! Come on.
I don't want trouble.
It's all in the tribe, right? Let's just calm down.
I don't wanna hear it.
It's what your old man used to pull.
He was nothing but a lying jackass! Tell me something I don't know.
This was just a misunderstanding.
You got your chips back.
See? We take care of our own, here.
Francis, maybe you should - I'll turn the fan on once Ivan leaves.
Dewey? I spoke with the doctor.
He says you can go to school tomorrow.
Tomorrow? So the dominoes Go back in the crate tonight! Let me make this easy.
I'm not leaving until I know you're at work and I can wait all day.
All I've got is school.
Hey, Malcolm! I'm sorry.
I can't listen to you talk about who's hot.
This stuff used to sound fine to me, but now it's stupid! You are stupid! I don't mean that in an insulting way.
I mean that in a factual way.
You wanna say hot in a different language? There are 700 languages! Vary it a little! We came to tell you a fight's going down at the school.
Between who? Everybody.
Oh, man! Hey, come on, dealer.
Let's go! And that's seven for the dealer.
Piama, where have you been? Shopping.
You were supposed to relieve me.
Do you know what time it is? Now I do.
Where did you get the money? I took $200 from the stash! But that's all our money! We can't afford that! It's all in the tribe.
Ha! Huh? Wha? Wha?! What happened? I cleaned them up.
You knocked them over?! Without me?! Why would I knock them over? I spent four days setting them up.
What's going on? Why did you spend all of that money?! Hey! You talked about easing our people's suffering.
I suffered a little less today.
You don't spend money and not say anything.
What's the problem? It's all in the tribe, right? That's what this is about? Am I overstepping my bounds because I'm white? No, but it's It feels weird.
Look, we're married.
That means I'm part of your family just like you're a part of mine.
If I had anything in my heritage besides mini vans and non-stop screaming, I'd share it.
It's not the same! Because I'm not your people, I don't deserve that money?! Why are you so obsessed about the money?! Because! I wanna pay Lavernia so we can go! What do you mean? We live here! What?! You want to spend your life in this godforsaken place? This godforsaken place is where I grew up! It's our home! You should have said something! I have been complaining about this place! I thought you were a complainer! You complain about everything.
Yeah, but this is real.
I hate this place! I can't even imagine raising our kids here! Kids?! I hate kids! These seem like some pretty big issues.
You know, we got married so fast So what are we gonna do? We both like wrestling movies.
Yeah, and we both like pizza.
I love pizza! Sausage and mushroom? Yeah, on half.
We wait till the jocks take out the Goths and then we swoop in.
I made an alliance with the drama club.
When the skaters see me drop my cape, they'll come in.
No-one'll expect us to be working together.
Is this a good idea? It's too late for second thoughts.
The tribes have Balkanised.
(SIGHS) They don't like each other.
Oh, right.
We don't stop until we have total control.
Deploy special shield.
(CHANT) We're just right, we're OK, we're smarter now than yesterday! School is fun, cos learning is for everyone.
They've got Derek.
He bites.
No! Stop! This has gone too far.
Look what you've been reduced to! I'm helping! We all used to hate this school equally! We hated the teachers! We hated the administration! We hated the building! But now you've taken that hate and turned it against each other! And why? Because people dress differently or talk differently?! You're just making school even worse! Dabney was a Krelboyne two weeks ago.
Now he's a jock! That proves that these differences are meaningless.
We need to focus on what makes us the same, because if we hate each other, who's gonna hate school? You were a Krelboyne? Ha! You've got a Krelboyne! You guys got one right behind you! He's the one who wanted to fight in the first place! Hey, we got one, too! I found one! He's our leader! (WHIMPERING) If it's any consolation, we get our new classroom in five weeks.
(ALL SOB) Thanks for the heads-up on the underwear.
No problem.
What is with the self-pity?! Albert Einstein had to carry spare pants until he was 24 and did he cry about it? No.
He drew on that experience and helped build the first nuclear bomb.
Now buck up and get in the van.
Oh, video camera!