Malcolm in the Middle s03e22 Episode Script


(TV) ".
break free of the atmosphere, a rocket ship must attain speeds of 25,000mph.
" Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around! You're confusing acceleration with velocity.
You feel it at first, but once you're up to speed, you don't notice.
Right now we're on a planet spinning at We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000mph.
The solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding.
Wee-ee-ee-ee! # Yes, no # Maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # and you're not so big! # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # and you're not so big! # Life is unfair! # '(RUSTLING)' Did you hear that? (MUMBLES) Firing jets, Captain.
Somebody's breaking in! I'll do it in the morning.
'(BANGING)' (GASPS) What was that? Oh, my God! Hal! I'll get him, Lois! Ah! Argh! (GRUNTS / WHIMPERS) (CLANGING) Got him! (PANTS) (POLICE RADIO) What would've happened if Reese didn't knock him out? He would've seen our TV and stereo and known he'd made a mistake.
Let go of my arm! He came through the window right in front of us! I can't explain it.
It was like we were paralysed.
My son Reese came in swinging this bat! He saved us all! Yeah, it's a good thing Reese got to him before I did.
And, er, where were you, sir? I was in bed.
Trapped in bed.
My wife insists on tucking in the corners.
I mean, really tucking them in! I saw his head.
It looked like a fat pitch sitting over the plate.
If only there were more kids like you our streets would be a lot safer.
You look familiar.
Did you ever participate in our ride-along programme? Sorta.
It's like being in a straitjacket! You twist, and twist, and you can't shake the damn sheets loose! The important thing is we caught him.
Let me show you.
Follow me to the bedroom and I'll tuck you in.
Sir! You don't tuck in police officers.
Craig, I got your lunch.
Sorry I'm late.
I picked up the burgers.
I had to drive across town to get your chicken from Nugget World! I thought you said you wanted to help me lead a normal life! Did you get the extra mayo? Yes! From which place? When are you getting a nurse? Well, it's just that I've been so busy with having my arms and legs broken when your kid's dog chased me out in traffic(!) I can't sleep knowing the trauma my cat suffers staying at mother's.
And all the forehead sticks I used learning to go to the bathroom.
Craig, the insurance company gave you money for a nurse! Oh, Lois, poor, sweet, money-wasting Lois.
I've got something better.
Oliver! (TITTERS) Oh, my God! It's a monkey! It's a helper monkey.
They're highly trained.
They donate them to the permanently disabled.
You're not permanently disabled! (For six weeks he thinks I am!) Craig, I am not taking care of you and a wild animal! It's not a wild animal.
It's a capuchin monkey.
They're nature's butlers.
I've got a good one, too.
His brother worked for Stephen Hawking.
(TITTERS) When was the last time this thing was cleaned? (ALL SCREAM) This is the worst job in the world! Why do we put up with this? I'm still paying off law school.
Everybody, clear out.
You're fired.
What?! The camp's closing.
They cut down the last tree.
Anyone want a picture with it? A mining company bought the land.
You gotta leave today.
We're out without notice?! It's the circle of life here.
They cut down the trees, then the mining company strips the land.
Then they'll turn what's left into a nuclear waste dump to wean ourselves from our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil! Well, I guess I'm gonna have to move back in with my parents.
They gave me a tour of the station! The mirrors in the interrogation room are two-way! It's good thing they didn't have that before! "For heroism and meritorious action.
" I'm so proud of you! Dewey, are you gonna be able to go to sleep now? You saw all the policemen and how strong the bars are! Yeah, but - And the police station is too big for a helicopter to carry it away to a hideout under the sea! But - No buts, Dewey! That guy is in a jail cell.
He's not going anywhere.
With our legal system, he's probably back on the streets right now.
(GASPS) Dewey! Mom, Dad, this has got me thinking.
Usually those cops are throwing me in the back of their squad cars.
But today they were clapping for me.
You're a real hero! It was really cool! Protecting you guys! Saving your lives.
Thanks again.
It's made me realise for the first time in my life I know what my purpose is.
I think I've found my calling.
Mom, Dad, I wanna be a pig.
'Go to sleep!' I'm still scared.
Read me a story.
Please? I've already read you every book in this place.
Please? (SIGHS) "Aardvark, a burrowing mammal of Southern Africa.
" "Myocardium, the muscle tissue of the heart.
" (SCREAMS) It's alright! It's alright! It was me turning off the light.
Where are ya? (CRASHING) I knew you'd be back! Come on, you sonofa-! (CRASHING) (WHIMPERS) Sorry.
Go back to sleep.
(SIGHS) Come and go.
(CHUCKLES) It turns out it was all a simple misunderstanding! (LAUGHS) It's Larry who should've gotten the spin-off show, not the Ropers.
Huh, Oliver? (CHUCKLES) Oh, Lois, you're not drinking your tea.
Oliver, Lois takes sugar in her tea.
One lump.
I usually like to thank him when he does something right.
Um, thank you, Oliver.
(TITTERS) Isn't he amazing? He makes the bed, does dishes, even changes his own diaper! Oliver! Temple massage.
(TITTERS) Ahhh! Ah! This is about as good as it gets! Lois, you want some of this? I have to go! Ahh! Ahhhh! He's like a frail geisha.
(CHILDREN CHATTER) Chah-bloogh! Hey, what's going on here? We're playin'.
It's getting a little loud.
This is a nice neighbourhood.
Let's keep it that way.
Stay in school.
Hey! Where are your helmets? That's not safe! Who the hell are you?! (GRUNTS) Ouch! Ow! See? You should be more careful.
Play safe.
Be smart.
Did you get the job? It was a dumb idea auditioning for a cruise ship.
What kind of piano player can't play Cabaret?! This is useless! We have to go where there's work! No! Something will come up.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) (We're not here!) What?! We know you're in there! What's wrong? We served your eviction notice 30 days ago.
You must leave.
What? Why didn't you tell me? Because it's not happening! The tribal council made a deal.
You're getting a settlement.
Part of a settlement.
One-fifteenth of your property is on tribal land.
We'll live in the other part of the house.
You can't do that.
This area's gonna be an arsenic containment-basin.
Nobody's stealing my property! Let's just all cool down.
Er, you may actually not wanna touch her.
Don't tell me how to do my job.
Alright, missy, let's get one thing straight.
(GRUNTS) What time is it? Ah, damn! It's too dark to see my Rolex! No matter, I'll just take out the maximum amount and everything will be fine.
Yeah, that ought to do it.
Now, where did I park my Bentley? Damn, my inability to see in the dark! Hey! Can I help you with something? Your money's hanging out of your pocket.
This is a bad neighbourhood! Thank you.
(CLANGING) (CLANGING) You know when your cat doesn't want to know.
You'll know when he doesn't want to be disturbed.
And you'll know when he wants something he really likes.
Like new tastier Whiskas pouches.
Gently steam-cooked for total satisfaction.
Ohh, that lasagne smells good! It took you long enough.
Did you have to fly to Italy to get it? Never mind.
Let's dig in.
(SIZZLING) Argh! Ohh! Hah! Hot! Hot! Hot! Let's just let it cool down a little bit.
Ow! Oh! What is this? (TITTERS) (SPLUTTERS) Oh, hot! Tongue! Please, God, no! Water! (TITTERS) Water! Good monkey! Closer.
Closer! (CHOKES) Ahh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! (You're out!) (I was safe!) (Out!) (Safe!) (CLANGING) It looks like someone smashed up your trash cans pretty good.
If you brought them in on time it wouldn't happen.
Oliver! Is my milk shake ready? It was supposed to be ready an hour ago! If it's warm, you can go ahead and drink it cos I won't! Alright, I will! Where is it?! Oliver? (TITTERS) You know, I've changed my mind.
I'm not in the mood for milk shake now.
(SCREECHES) Oh, well! Since you did go to all that trouble! (SOBS) Mmmm! Good! (TV) "Another perfect landing - (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)" (SOBS) Well, I've been awake for a week straight.
The first 96 hours were tough, but I'm starting to get my second wind.
Who needs sleep anyway? It's just a waste of time.
They say that Tommy Citizen, he only got, like, .
well, he didn't What was I talking about? Never mind.
Craig, I can't stay long.
I've got your mail.
Jeez, it's boiling in here! Really? I hadn't noticed anything! Ah-hah! I'm just having a pleasant afternoon home here with Oliver! (Lois, that monkey is out to get me!) What?! He tried to poison me! He's trying to cook me alive! He's evil! An animal with a brain the size of a piece of gum is running your house.
You're paranoid! I am NOT paranoid! I've seen him staring at me when I'm pretending to be asleep! (He's chewed my brake cables!) (You must get me out of here!) You are not staying with me! That monkey is not - (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Lois, you tell such amusing stories! Shhh! You are getting a real nurse tomorrow.
(TYRES SCREECH) (HORN BLARES) What are ya doin'? I was waitin' for that spot! Ohh, you got a problem with me, pal? Oh-hoh! Bring it on! You want it, you've got it! I'll kick your ass! You think I'm afraid of you? I am NOT afraid! No-one's tucked in now! Just give me 30 seconds! I'll beat you like I was your daddy! I am gonna pound your head out through your butt and then I'm gonna make you kiss it! I am very sorry, sir! Oh, yeah, you're gonna be sorry! Where ya goin'? You running away, little girl? Come out here and fight like a man! Hey, Mom, what are you doing? Unloading the groceries.
You're a little far on the sidewalk, aren't you? Who cares? Grab a bag.
You have to leave the sidewalk free.
Stop stalling and help unload.
Are you walking away from me?! Excuse me?! You can't leave your car here.
I'll leave it wherever I wanna leave it.
Well, I'd hate to see anything happen to your car.
Just bring in the bags, Reese.
" (This is Craig Feldspar.
) (You've got to help me! My monkey butler is trying to kill me!) (I don't know how much time I have) (GASPS) That lawyer was an idiot! Are you kidding? A $50 fine was a bargain! It cost ten times that to wire the deputy's jaw shut.
He deserved it! This is not helping.
Here's the settlement.
Use it to pay your fine.
I'm not paying a fine! I'm getting a real lawyer and taking it to trial! That'd take months! There is a bulldozer in the yard! It's gonna flatten this house! I'm not scared of a bulldozer.
The bulldozer doesn't care if you're scared! It will still crush you! We have to leave! I can't.
Why are you so scared to leave? I don't know! Francis, I've been on this reservation my whole life.
I don't know anything else.
I'm just a hick.
I'm not like you! I can't just pick up and start a new life whenever I need to.
I'm not as brave as you, OK? Brave?! (LAUGHS) I'm not brave! I just didn't know any better! What? If I had had any idea of how horrible it was up here, I never would've come! And I never would have met you.
I'm not brave.
I'm stupid and lucky.
You're with me now so my stupid luck will take care of you.
Hopefully one-fifteenth of a share will pay off our fine and maybe buy us a bus ticket.
Oh, my God! What? Oh, my God! That's more than I made all last year! See, this is what I'm talking about! Oh! (WHIRRING) Craig, are you in there? Craig?! What happened?! Behind you! (CLANG) Urgh! Huh? Oh! What the hell is wrong with that monkey?! He's crazy! Well, he picked the wrong guy to mess with! (CRASHING) OH! Oh, no! God, please, no! (CRASHING) Pick up Craig! No, leave me! Save yourself! I am not gonna leave you, buddy! (CRASHING) Ah! (GRUNTS) You'll be safe here.
Oh! (CRASHING) Oh! (WHIMPERS) Dammit! (CRASHING) > Ow! (CRASHING) (CRASHING) Not my Romulus! (TITTERS) (CRASHING) Hah! (SCREECHES) (SPUTTERS) Oh! Oh! Ohh! Ooomph! (SOBS) I wouldn't have pictured it ending like this! Huh? '(SCREECHES)' Take that, you damn dirty helper monkey! (SOBS) So, where do you wanna go? I don't care.
All I know is we've got $2,000 left and a car pointed south.
(GIGGLES) # Dah # Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah # Dah-dah, dah, doo-doo do # Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah # (YAWNS) Read it to me again, Dad! (CHUCKLES) OK, son.
"Local man subdues monkey.
" "A disabled man was saved by a local hero when he was" Oh.
I can't believe it! Dewey's finally fallen asleep! I'm At least some good will come of "Expert say the capuchin monkey can weigh up to nine pounds!" "He's a real hero, said victim Craig Feldspar, age 36.
" A real hero!