Malcolm in the Middle s04e08 Episode Script

Boys at the Ranch

(loud beeping) (beeping) (beeping continues) (groans) (grunts) (sighs) Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
- (horn honking) - REESE: Come on, let's go! - What are we - waiting for?! Dad's taking us to Francis' dude ranch for the weekend.
Just the guys.
- I'm really going to miss - my girlfriend Nicki.
- But then again, - it's two days without Mom.
I've been in the car since 6:00.
- (honking horn) - Come on, Dad! You'll see her Sunday! I, uh had to get my coffee.
Okay, gentlemen - ready to roll? - Yeah, let's do it.
- Let's roll already! - Yeah, come on, Dad.
(starts engine) Seat belt check.
Map check.
Sunglasses check.
Lumbar pillow check.
Mirrors check.
Does that sound like a loose valve casing to you? BOYS: Dad! All right.
You boys will soon learn there's nothing wrong with being careful.
Wow! Welcome to the Grotto.
I'll be with you in one minute.
- No rush.
- We're just looking for Francis.
Francis? You are Francis' family? Yes, we were just (clanging) Welcome, family of Francis.
I am Otto, and this is Gretchen.
We have dreamed for months of meeting you - and now finally - you are here.
And look at beautiful liebling! Your son is a genius.
He has completely turned this place around.
- Well, not physically, - of course.
We still face the arroyo as before, but we could never have survived - without his hard work, - Mm-mm.
- His intelligence - Mm-hmm.
His leadership Really? - Now, you just have - the one Francis? As long as you are here, everything is on the house.
(chuckling) - Now, would you like - to review the staff? Oh, I Please? It would mean so much to them.
(chuckling) - Good.
- Mmm.
Well Aren't they wonderful? They are Hopi Indian kachina dolls.
- Now, according - to legend, He tracks down misbehaving children - und chews up - their bones So no one will ever find them again.
Mythology is so much fun, don't you think? Oh, no, no.
No.
They are far too valuable.
- You mustn't - touch them.
Can I trust you? I don't see why not.
Uh very nice.
- I like your boots.
- Give him your boots.
No, no! No, no, I couldn't.
You all look wonderful.
Thank you.
Do you hear that? He likes us.
Back to work.
Hey, guys.
I'm so sorry.
- I came as fast - as I could.
- Hey.
- I-I'm not going - to get too close.
- I'm fighting - a terrible cold.
- I'll probably be - in bed all weekend.
Mom didn't come.
Well, we'll just have to enjoy ourselves without her.
Come on.
So, where's Francis? - Is he really - the foreman? - We haven't seen him - in months.
- You'll have to forgive - the boys.
- They've always - looked up to Francis Like he's some kind of hero.
(horse whinnies in distance) (whinnies) How's it going, guys? My God, Francis! How the heck did you learn to ride a horse like that? - Well, you got to pick it up - quick around here.
We break horses, brand cattle It's about as close to the Old West as you'll ever find.
(horn toots) Where do I find the jazzercise class? Other side of the smoothie bar.
(light laughter) - Oh, that chicken - was fantastic.
- And where'd you learn - to cook chili like that? - I spend time - in the kitchen, too.
The secret to good chili is how long you soak the beans.
- So, to recap - our little contest Dewey wins for most tuneful.
Francis for the loudest.
I was the sneakiest.
Malcolm, the most obnoxious.
Ech.
- At least - I wasn't disqualified.
I gambled and lost.
It happens.
This is fun.
- Why don't we do this - every weekend? Boy, wouldn't that be nice? Oh, I almost forgot.
- Francis, I booked a - trip for all of us To watch the sunrise tomorrow morning at Devil's Rock.
- I don't want - to get up at sunrise - To go look - at some stupid rock.
- It may be a stupid rock - for most of the year, But for the rest of this week - the angle of the sun at dawn - makes it look - Like there's fire coming out - of the devil's eyes.
- Actually, - I can't do it tomorrow, Dad.
What do you mean you can't? - You were the one who called me - and told me about it.
- I know, but I have to lead - a ride at 7:00 And it takes me two hours to get the horses ready.
- Can we go - on that ride? - Yeah, can we? - Sure.
- Yeah! - All right.
- Hey, what - are you doing? - I brought some stuff - I wanted to burn.
You're on cowboy time now.
- You got to get to bed early - and rest up - If you want to come riding - in the morning.
Bed? But I'm not tired.
Sorry about the Devil's Rock thing.
Hey, don't worry about it.
I'll go by myself.
It'll be great.
Here it comes.
Wow.
That's amazing, Dad.
I'm so happy we could do this together, son.
- All right, we got - some loose gravel coming up - So let's keep - your horses in line.
How do you know if the one you're on is still alive? - No one rides fast until - you're familiar with the horses.
- So, let's keep both - hands on the reins And keep those helmets on tight.
What's with Francis? - I don't know.
- We've been riding for an hour, I can still see the barn.
Whoa, those look cool.
When can we ride those? - You're not going - anywhere near those.
What? Why not? Because I know you guys - and I don't want - to take a day off work Just to peel your carcasses out of a barbwire fence.
- Why don't you guys - just and relax And enjoy the scenery? You seem to be the only riders having a problem.
MAN: Is Joey the big cowboy? Yes, he is.
Yes, he is.
Why won't you guys play Ping-Pong with me? - The table's free and I've - got the equipment form For Dad to sign.
- Because you're stupid.
- And we didn't come - All the way - out here To be stuck playing with you.
Wait just a minute.
That is precisely why we came out here So that we can all have a good time together.
Now, your brother asked you to play with him and that is exactly what you are going to do.
- Our dad signed the permission - slip for the ATVs.
Mmm.
You don't look 16 to me.
It's a glandular thing.
He's very sensitive about how short he is.
Ooh.
Perhaps you are a late bloomer.
I had my baby teeth until I was 14.
I'll get the keys.
"All terrain.
" I wonder if that actually means all terrain.
- They couldn't say it - if it wasn't true.
Whee-hee! Okay, so trees aren't terrain.
Now we know.
Ow! I specifically told you guys - stay away - from those ATVs! What the hell were you thinking?! They don't think, Francis.
They never have! - The only thing their - heads are good for - Is to plug up - their necks.
I blame the oldest one.
The others follow him like sheep.
- I thought I could - trust you guys - On your own for - a few minutes.
- Well, obviously - I was wrong.
- You are still the same - stupid, reckless idiots You've always been.
- Francis, you don't have - to yell at them like that.
- I'll yell at - whoever I want! - And even though I wish - I hadn't said that, It's too late now! From now on, you boys stay away from the horses, the vehicles, the pool and the other guests.
- That means you - are confined - To your room until - further notice.
- You're sending us to our room?! - That's right.
I don't believe it.
You've turned into Mom.
Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right.
You take that back! Oh, my God.
You broke my doll? How could you be so thoughtless? You promised me you would leave it alone, but it was just a lie.
Oh All right, boys, go to your room now! There, there.
We will give him new legs and then he will be all good again just like cousin Heinrich.
(chuckling) - Well, you did the - right thing, Francis.
I just don't know when they're going to learn.
Them? What about you? - How could you sign - a release form And not read what it's intended for? For God's sake, Dad, my job is hard enough as it is.
"Sometimes Mom's right? Sometimes Mom's right?" Why didn't he just throw acid in our faces? You know, I'd actually prefer that.
- I can't believe - he yelled at us - Right in front - of that French guy.
He can't get away with this.
We're going to get him back.
You're damn right we are.
Are you with us, Dewey? Dewey? - And I know - I shouldn't have taken it But it looked so cool.
And then in the tree I forgot it was in my pocket, and I fell and it broke.
Oh, I know, I know, sweetheart.
And you know what? - I should never - have yelled at you.
I feel terrible about that.
You do? Oh, of course I do.
So, we both feel bad about what we did, huh? You know what your Tante Gretchen does when she feels bad? She works.
She works herself to the point where her body screams in pain - and her soul - begs for mercy.
Why? It's the best form of penance.
Oh, when my fingers are raw, and my back is racked with crippling pain, I feel all better.
Well, that might work for you - Let's do it.
- Oh! This will be wunderbar.
- The two old men - go for a ride.
See the beauty of the desert, commune with nature I just hate to take up too much of your time.
I already told the horses that we're going.
Don't make me look bad.
(whinnies) Whoo! - Wh-what's the matter - with this horse? Nothing.
Buttercup is very sweet.
(whinnies) Are you sure you're not still angry with the boys? Buttercup is very good at picking up unresolved feelings.
No.
I told you, I'm over it.
I'm fine.
Buttercup is never wrong.
Once Gretchen made me an omelet with mushrooms.
Oh, I hate mushrooms.
But I didn't say anything.
I had two helpings.
Well, Buttercup forced me to go back and confront her.
We had the best sex we had had in years.
Thank you, Buttercup.
- Maybe I should - ride your horse.
Good idea.
- Scout doesn't pick up - on anything Unless you're secretly gay.
Thanks, very much.
- Hey, fellas, - what can I do for you? Um, we're looking for some sparklers.
- And do you have any of those - things called pinwheels? Sure do.
- Also got some - lady fingers.
(engine starting) Okay, let's start with 18 genies, - two dozen gel-ignited - pomegranates - And a case - of devil dragons.
We're out of the 99s, you want 44s at half price? Make it six packs of red dogs with time-delay fuses.
Powder or aluminum phosphate? - Who do you think - you're dealing with? - MALCOLM: - One last thing.
We're planning an event for a friend.
- You got anything that - will make it really special? Depends on how much you're willing to spend.
Why don't you let my dad worry about that? Boys I'd like to introduce you to the Komodo 3000.
Oh, yeah.
This will get him back.
How are we doing? My fingers hurt but that bad feeling in my stomach is getting better.
This is good.
- It means you are getting - in touch with your guilt, ja? What's the matter? I just remembered when I was nine, my uncle gave me a pfennig to put in the wishing well but I threw a pebble in the well und I kept the pfennig.
I am pure evil.
(groans) I once put a garden slug in Reese's sandwich and he ate it.
Und you feel bad about this? Then scrub.
Oh, look.
Blood.
We are halfway there.
(laughing) - I can see why you - love it out here, Otto.
- Yeah, yeah, this is where - I come to think, To unwind, or when I am in the doghouse with Gretchen.
Ooh, I can be a naughty boy.
- I have a barstool in the garage - for the same thing.
Oh.
Well - I suppose we should be - heading back.
Yeah, yeah, we could do that or we could get to know each other a little better.
Is that schnapps? In my experience, many interesting things can be discovered with just the proper dosage.
(laughing) Watch this.
(gunfire) Oh, good shooting.
- You shot that rock - clean into two.
Yeah! - To Hal.
- To Otto.
Salud.
Salud! Oh, have you ever seen so many stars in the sky.
Oh, look.
Up there.
- There's Orion.
- Where? Right there.
- Those three stars - are his belt.
(gunfire and neighing) What? There? (gunfire) No.
There.
(neighing) And there is his spear.
(neighing) Oh, great.
Something scared off the horses.
Oh (bullets hitting) Ooh.
Whoa.
(shouting) Run! (screaming) Ooh! Something bit me.
(groaning) Oh, God, Otto, you're wounded.
Finally I hit something.
Well, I just listened - at the boys' door - and not a peep.
- I hated coming - down on them like that - But that's the only way - they'll listen.
Absolutely.
I mean, I think I was hard but fair.
- You couldn't have - been more fair.
- Okay, and now you're smiling - which means In about two seconds I'm going to look like a jackass.
- You can keep going - if you want.
- Just tell me.
- The boys haven't been - In the room for three hours.
- What? They want you to meet them at the south gate.
This should explain everything.
I'm afraid it starts off a little antagonistic.
Is that last word "lick" or "wipe"? I think you're safe either way.
(grunting) How far do you think we've gone? Well, judging by that rock formation over there, about 12 feet.
Oh, if only Francis knew we were out here he would save us.
Oh, sure.
Super Francis.
He'd make a jetpack out of a cactus and fly us all home.
Why are you so angry at Francis? I am not angry at Francis.
Well, well you shouldn't be.
He is smart, he is capable, he is hardworking and I personally never met anyone more "relibable.
" Yes, now.
When I had him for 18 years, I punished him and threatened him and cried over him and begged him and screamed at him and his life was one train wreck after another.
Two months with you and now he's a model citizen.
And this is what you are so upset about? Yes, I think it's pretty obvious.
All he needed was his father to get out of his face so that he could meet someone who knows how to turn his life around.
Well, if I am such a genius, how come that I am drunk and lost in the desert with a bullet in my ass? Hal, listen to me.
Francis had all of his great qualities on the day that I met him.
What? What do you think? He just picked them up off the road? "Hello, I would like a Big Gulp and a candy bar and a new personality.
" No, Hal.
Listen to me.
Your acorn did not fall very far from your tree.
So I'm not such a failure as a father? Absolutely not.
Now, if your crisis is over, my buttocks could use a vigorous rubbing.
They are starting to go numb.
GRETCHEN: Oh, that's it, Dewey.
We can't miss a spot.
Right corner.
(grunts) Got it.
Ja.
I think that is it.
Finally, we are finished.
Wow, I feel wonderful.
Ja, it's beautiful, isn't it? This is the moment you work for.
Your soul is set free.
Your burden has been lifted.
I kind of feel like I'm floating.
Well, that's probably the ammonia but we have done well.
A clean room leads to a clean conscience, ja? - I think I'm happier - than I've ever been.
Mm, me, too, liebe.
Here, I want to give you something.
Promise you will think of me when you use it.
Thank you, Tante Gretchen.
De nada.
- I don't know - what you guys are trying - To pull here - but you should know - I am way ahead - of you.
What's that? Looks like a fuse.
All right, what exactly are you planning? - We're planning - to get you back.
We want our brother back the way he used to be.
- We know how much - you always liked fire Explosions Nice try.
That was a long time ago.
Really? So, where does this go? Well, I suppose you could find out by crawling over the fence and following the fuse or you could find out the Francis way.
- We're sure you'll make - the right decision.
Guys, I'm telling you, things are different now.
I'm married, I have responsibilities.
I'm just not a 16-year-old maniac anymore who Huh, interesting.
Does anything look familiar, Otto? Just keep heading towards those mountains.
Behind us is certain death.
That's right, this way is certain death.
I wonder what that is.
I'll tell you what that is.
That is Francis showing us the way home.
I told you he'd get us out of this.
- Yes, of course.
- Come on, come on.
This may even top Homecoming '98.
I don't know.
- That float - smoldered for a week.
How do we know which one's the Komodo 3000? (explosion) (yelling): Let's hope that was it.
Did it say when our vision would come back? Box said two days.
Totally worth it.