Malcolm in the Middle s04e09 Episode Script

Grandma Sues

(chuckles) Check this out.
What does it say? - Just read it.
- It's funny.
I don't read.
- Not unless I absolutely - have to for school.
Otherwise, I feel like they've won.
You never read the paper? No.
Not even comics? Like Peanuts? You never read Peanuts? Nope.
Are you serious? You've never read Peanuts? Uh-uh.
Go ahead.
I promise I'll hold it.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now - You're not - the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
LOIS: Malcolm, I said come in for breakfast! Francis and Piama came to visit - at the same time - Grandma was here.
Eight people, seven sleeping spaces.
Guess who gets the shaft.
This is my reward for being at the library when they asked for a volunteer.
LOIS: Malcolm, this is your last chance! I got to get in there.
Breakfast has turned into the best part of the day.
- I can't believe - what I'm hearing! Are you insane or just evil? (thick accent): Aah! Wolves should rip out your throat! What kind of a complete idiot butters their toast like that?! Everybody knows it's inside to outside! Come talk to me of toast when you grow some hair in your pants.
Stupid animal thinks he knows about toast.
Mom, would you please pass the potatoes? I think you've had more than enough potatoes.
Does the chair have - to break - before you stop eating? I told you my family was worse than your family.
Are you kidding? - My grandpa chopped the pinky - off our milkman For bringing us two percent.
Hey! Mom, Grandma just stole my bacon.
Reese, this is Grandma's last day here.
If she wants your bacon, you let her have it.
Okay, Ida, - I went ahead and did - all your packing for you.
Let's get a move on.
- Bus doesn't leave - for three hours.
Yeah, but, uh, there could be a parade.
It could take us all day to get through the traffic.
Oh, great.
- There's barely - any food left.
Well, you should have come when I called you.
Call when you get home, Mom.
We'll miss you.
- Even the little - one lies.
- Reese, I asked you - to rake these leaves.
I'm waiting for the rest of them to fall first.
Let's not delay Grandma - by having this needless - discussion, shall we? Oh, sure.
Can't wait to get me out your door.
Forcing an old woman on the (screaming) (slow motion): Mom! (groaning) Grandma's back.
- Mom wants you - to help her unpack.
- This is unbelievable.
- It's all Reese's fault.
- If he had just cleaned up the - yard like he was supposed to, - None of this would - have happened.
Malcolm, she slipped on a leaf.
A tiny, single leaf.
(sprinklers turn on) I wouldn't be surprised - if she broke her collarbone - on purpose - Just so she could stay here - and torment us.
And I'm the one who suffers.
I was so close to sleeping in the house again.
I forget what a bed feels like.
What are you complaining about? - I'm the one who had to carry her - to the car - With her dress hiked up - over her hips.
- I went blind - for almost 15 minutes.
(door opens) Oh, it's just you.
What are you doing? Everyone's blaming me for Grandma getting hurt, - and I got an idea for - how to cheer everyone up.
What are you going to do? I don't know if I can trust you.
Come on, you can.
Tell you what.
- Punch yourself - in the face.
(sighs) Okay, you're in.
- First thing you can do - is show me How to turn this thing on.
Your fingers are too fat.
Who has fingers like that? I'm losing my appetite just looking at them.
- She can feed - herself, Lois.
I didn't ask for this.
This is your fault.
You keep your yard like a jungle.
And steps.
Who builds a house with steps? You think you're better than everybody else? Well? My family's still worse.
My mom faked stomach cancer so she wouldn't get custody.
There's time.
- Just use your tongue - as leverage.
Enough! I had better food in refugee camp.
Boy, everyone's in such a crappy mood.
It's awful.
- If only there was some - way to cheer everyone up.
Be cool.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
It's for me.
- Here, Mom, - let me help you.
You're eating dinner? Nobody even called me! - What happened - to your face? An owl flew into my tent.
If I knew I was missing dinner, - I would have grabbed the snake - out of his beak.
Yes? Is this 1233 Go ahead.
This is her.
You've been served.
- What are you waiting for, - a tip? Get out of here! You're suing us? Okay, you win.
You're suing us?! Hal, keep it down.
The boys are in the house.
Don't be so dramatic.
I am suing insurance company.
- Our insurance - company! You don't think I have a case? You don't think I have pain? That I have suffered? For years, I have suffered in silence.
Useless, miserable, money-grubbing old hag! Keep talking tough, boy.
I sue you, too.
- All right, - everybody just calm down.
- Mother, please, - think about what you're doing.
You are suing your own child.
- I don't want to talk - about it anymore.
Let the lawyers handle it.
Lawyer?! We don't have a lawyer.
Well, you better get one.
- She can't get - away with this! I've had it! - I'm going to toss her out - on her cage.
Hal, we can't do that.
She's my mother.
(sighs) My twisted, horrible monster of a mother.
- Why don't we just - kill the old hag? Oh, just stop it right now.
And nobody tells the boys about any of this.
You mean about killing her? No, Hal.
About the lawsuit.
- I think I'm going to be sick.
- I know.
- I feel the same way.
- No, I really think I'm going to throw up.
- MAN: - Well, I think I figured out why you're feeling so lousy, Lois.
You're pregnant.
Pregnant? Congratulations.
(laughs) This is the best part of my job.
- Seeing the looks - on people's faces When I give them the good news.
This is fantastic.
Thank you so much, Doctor.
Now, you're 100% sure? Because it would be terrible if you were somehow wrong.
Like, maybe my chart got mixed up with someone else's? No.
It's your chart.
I promise.
Could you just - make our happiness complete - and-and And check again? Yes.
Take as much blood as you need.
Just be certain.
We wouldn't want you to take our dream away.
I am absolutely sure.
(door closes) - Oh, my God, - this is awful! (sobbing) This can't be right.
- This must be - some sort of mistake.
What are we going to do? - I don't know.
We can't - afford the children we have! If this baby is half as bad - as our least bad one, - we're still ruined.
Oh, this has got to be some kind of cruel joke! Terrible.
Just terrible.
Are you as turned on as I am? Hal! (TV playing) GRANDMA: I'm done with my business.
You can't fool me.
I know you're out there.
(sighs) Okay, whose turn is it? She's not my grandma.
Okay, I'm thinking of a number.
- MALCOLM: - Wait a minute.
- You're just - writing down the number So you can't be the one.
That's it.
You're up.
- Enjoy.
- Go ahead, Malcolm.
This is so unfair! I don't even live here.
GRANDMA: The longer you wait, the worse it'll be! I hate you all.
You know, my parents don't come home for another half an hour.
You're dreaming.
Come on! I'm going crazy.
Hey, guys, I'm going to go show Piama - the posters in your room - for a while.
- Have fun.
- Good idea.
(sighs) I thought they'd never leave.
Tell me about it.
Okay, it's still good.
I'll get the gift wrap.
You write the card.
There's no lock? With my brothers? - They just got the door back - a few months ago.
I don't know, Francis.
This feels weird.
In your brothers' bedroom.
This room is fine.
- I've had plenty - of girls in here Quit while you're ahead.
- GRANDMA: - That's good enough.
No one's going to eat off it.
Okay, maybe not in here.
(laughs) Mom we need to talk.
Um - we just got some interesting - news from the doctor.
HAL: Yes.
It's, uh, very good news.
Well, kind of good news.
It's extreme news.
I'm pregnant.
You're joking.
Believe me, we were as surprised as as you are.
Um, you know, we're already stretched to the limit financially.
And, obviously, another baby is going to make things even harder for us.
HAL: Yeah, so in light of that - and the burden - it's going to put on us, Don't you think that certain actions should be reexamined? Yes.
Yes, of course.
(both panting) You should settle.
What?! Mom! It's for your own good.
- If you can't keep your legs - closed for 20 minutes, At least take good advice when you hear it.
Sleeping is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile.
- I can dream - I'm somewhere decent.
Hey, Malcolm, we need to borrow the tent for about an hour.
Two hours.
What? Why? - None of your business.
- We just need it.
- No.
It's bad enough I've been - kicked out of the house.
- Now you want to take - away the one place I have - With just the tiniest - piece of privacy? - Forget it.
- Find your Ow! Thanks, really.
I hope you're happy.
- Forcing your - own brother - Out into the night - in his underwear.
We're going to need that.
What are we going to do? - We're in debt - up to our eyeballs as it is.
Well, we're just going to have to cut back.
No more vacations.
Stop going out to fancy restaurants for birthdays.
- And, you know, it - wouldn't kill us - To stop wearing - designer labels.
- Hal, whose life - are you leading? We don't do any of that stuff.
We can't afford this baby.
Where's he going to sleep? - We're not even going - to be able to feed him - After my mother - gets finished with us.
Oh, God, this is so unfair.
Honey, relax.
- Here's what we're - going to do.
- First, I'm going - to go out And get you some mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Now, that always helps.
- And then we're just - going to sit down - And figure this - all out, hmm? Hey, everything is going to be okay, hmm? We'll find a way.
We always do.
(bawling): Oh, no! Why me?! No.
Why?! Why?! Why?! Why, why, why, why?! (screaming, crying) Why?! (screaming) Oh, why?! (coughing, sputtering) Okay, I'm really getting sick of this.
Nobody should know a beetle tastes better than a june bug.
Can I have more pancakes? - HAL: You've had ten - already, Reese.
Don't be a pig.
We need to save every penny we can.
- Dewey, go easy - on the orange juice.
That stuff doesn't grow on Wait, it does.
So, why is it so damn expensive? - Yeah, Dewey, you wouldn't - want to be greedy.
A greedy, conniving old lady who doesn't have a shred of decency in her entire body.
The hooligan talks of decency.
(chuckles) How amusing.
Why is that amusing? None of your business.
- Hal, I need - to talk to you - About, uh - the thing.
Which thing? The first thing, or the other thing? They know about the thing.
Shut up.
- It's probably a - different thing.
I just got off the phone with the insurance company.
They say that our rates are going to triple.
What?! Even putting in the claim - is going to cost us.
- Triple?! Oh - Well, I guess we should - probably tell the kids.
Who knows, they might have a few bucks we can borrow.
No, let's not tell them yet.
I know my mother.
- I know that if we give her - one last chance, She'll do the right thing.
I just know it.
And you understand - everything - I've explained to you - About the - deposition process? Yes.
- You don't have - to do that.
- No, no, no, no, no, - sorry, Malcolm.
- You can't come - in right now.
- What are you talking about? - I live here.
Sorry, you just can't.
- Now I can't even go - into my own house? - Why am I always the one - singled out for abuse? Reese and Dewey are in there.
No, they're not.
Francis and Piama took them miniature golfing.
And moreover, being of sound mind and body and with just cause wait.
- Strike that.
- Sir, we just - Need you to - state your name.
(glass shatters) I'm sorry I had to do that, but I had no other choice.
- I am still a member - of this family, - No matter how hard - you're trying to forget it, And I deserve the right to know what's going on around here.
Malcolm, this does not concern you! Yes, it does! There's something - really weird happening - in this house, And all I'm asking is for the courtesy - of not being treated - like an idiot.
- Well, your evil grandmother - is suing us! Did you hear that? He called me evil.
I want that on record.
Okay, so she's suing us.
You don't have to keep that from me.
It's horrible, but - everything she does - is horrible.
There's no reason - And your mother - is pregnant.
Pregnant?! Are you nuts?! - That's the dumbest thing - I've ever heard! How could you do that to me, to all of us?! - What the hell - were you thinking?! - FRANCIS: - All clear? - I kept them out - as long as I could, But $10 doesn't buy a whole lot of mini-golf.
- You knew about this - and didn't tell us? - Tell us what? - (truck horn honks) Oh, it's here! Maybe we should take a five-minute break.
I don't pay for breaks.
(phone ringing) Mom made me promise not to tell you.
For some reason, she was trying to protect Grandma.
- What does Grandma have to do - with Mom being pregnant? - PIAMA: - What, you're pregnant? No! - You're having - another kid? - What is wrong - with you two?! - You don't have enough - problems as it is?! I can't believe you boys.
This is the way you react to wonderful news?! This is a blessing! - You should be ashamed - of yourselves! - Psst.
I need - to talk to you.
What? - Well, we don't - have to worry - About our insurance - premiums going up.
- They just canceled - our policy.
- What are you - talking about? - They said something about - too many late payments.
Some kind of loophole.
- So, whatever - your mom gets - We have to pay out - of our own pocket.
Oh, my God! (truck beeping outside) I have good news.
- You know - how everybody's - Been so depressed - around here lately? Well, I was thinking.
- What could I do - to cheer everyone up? And then it hit me.
- It was the most obvious thing - in the world.
I bought us an above-ground swimming pool.
And the best part is - you don't have to pay for it - for six months.
It's a raft with cup holders.
- They're setting the pool up - right now.
Oh, and don't just thank me.
Dewey was in on it, too.
He's lying! Huh? Wh-What's going on? Mom's pregnant.
What?! You can't do that! - Do you know how dangerous it is - to have a baby and a pool? All right, that's it! Boys, get to your room right now.
And you, you get that truck out of my backyard.
I can't believe it.
Another baby? They're nuts! - None of us gets enough - of anything as it is.
Now we're going to have to split it five ways? What are you guys complaining about? All I ever had was being the youngest.
- Now I won't even - have that.
You guys don't get it.
- You're only looking at this - in the short term.
We're screwed for life.
- And I actually had - some potential.
I could have gone to college.
Listen to you guys.
Nice family this kid is going to be born into.
Hey, we're allowed to be upset.
- We're the ones getting left out - while every resource - This family has - is going to our baby brother.
Brother? How much is she costing me? - I'm not paying for your - little tart of a girlfriend.
Mother, we need to talk.
Ida, we have no insurance.
We were late on our payments, and they canceled us.
- LOIS: - If you don't stop This lawsuit, we'll be ruined, do you understand? I'm sure you'll manage somehow.
There are agencies.
But who is there to help me, huh? Nobody.
- REESE: - Mom, Dad, We just want to tell you that we were sorry - for the way we acted - about the baby.
- MALCOLM: - Yeah.
We figured it out.
- Reese and I can double - up in the bed again.
And I could sleep with the baby.
- It'll be fun - having a busy box again.
- FRANCIS: Yeah, and I could - probably send home - 30 bucks a week - to help out.
Thank you, boys.
Hello! This lawsuit isn't going to go away just 'cause you ignore me.
Where do you think you're going? I'm out of here.
They have no insurance.
- What do you think, - I'm going to take 40 percent - Of this rundown dump - of a house? Let me explain something to you.
- This house would fit in my house - as a garage, But then I'd have to park my Porsche in the driveway.
Now, I don't mind tossing innocent people into the street.
I just don't do it for free.
I think I feel well enough to travel.
Francis and Grandma are finally gone, and everything's back to normal.
Well, not exactly normal.
- Dad told us that during - the first trimester of pregnancy - Women sometimes get - a tiny bit hormonal.
- HAL: - Quick, boys! - Someone left the cap - off the toothpaste! (boys screaming)