Malcolm in the Middle s04e10 Episode Script

If Boys Were Girls

- So apparently, - there's a risk - Of extra blood loss - with a cesarean section, But Dr.
Howard is pretty sure I can deliver vaginally.
He says I have a nice, thick placenta.
What's a placenta? Don't tell him.
God! Why are you boys being so squeamish? - Come on, Mom.
- It's gross! - What are you - talking about? - You should - be grateful.
When you were in my womb, - you were feeding off my placenta - for nine months.
Okay, that's it.
I told you we only needed a medium.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
Lois, you're not being fair.
Every year you tell me - what you want for - Valentine's Day every year.
Now, this year you want me to buy you a present without so much as a clue? - Can we discuss - this later? - When? After I've - brought home A gift you hate - that makes me - look like a jackass - And you never - forgive me? - Here, mint - or original? - I don't remember - the morning sickness Lasting this long.
- Well, you are - a lot older.
- Honey, you know, - like we all are.
- I mean, that's what happens - Everyone gets older - And older until - they die - And can we get - back to your gift? - Hal, you're going to have at - least four hours at the mall - While I'm shopping - with the boys.
- You'll find - something.
This isn't fair.
You want to trade? You want to take - three teenage boys - to the basement sale - At Hanning's - and force them to try on - A year's worth - of school clothes? No, I'm good.
- Oh, God.
My feet - are so swollen, I'm going to need clown shoes.
I can't believe I'm going through this again.
So, a boy or a girl? What? - Oh, come on - Just between us, - Would you rather have - a boy or a girl? - Hal - Oh, I know, I know.
"As long as it's healthy.
" We both know the drill.
But deep down, you must want one more than the other.
- (sighs): - Well (crashing) I'll get the vacuum.
(yelling) You broke my Space Fighter! - Give it! - You give it! What is going on here? He stole my pen! My favorite pen! - Look at him - holding it! - Why is it he always - gets the pen? I never get the pen! All I want is the pen! What is wrong with you boys? You have a whole drawer full of pens right here.
- Why does he - have to have Everything I want?! I never have what I need! - I don't even have - my own bed! Why does everything in my life suck?! You owe me a new Space Fighter! Shut up and get your own pen! (yelling) Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me! (boys yelling) - Renee, please - don't touch it.
- Mallory, you're being silly.
- It's just a pen.
- I was going to do - homework with it.
- Unless there's - a reason This pen's important to you.
It's stupid.
- No, it isn't, - Mallory.
You can tell her.
- Daisy's right.
- You can tell me.
- How come you never say - what's on your mind? DAISY: Yeah, you're always so quiet.
- MALLORY: - Well This boy dropped it in biology class.
- He chewed on - it a little.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I should have known that.
I hate being dumb.
- If I didn't grow - such great hair, My head would be useless.
- You don't have - to be a genius.
- You're sweet - and thoughtful - And that's - what counts.
- DAISY: - Wow.
That was the worst fight we've had in months.
(giggling) Why don't you just die?! - Give me my pen! - I'm warning you Ooh, I'm scared.
What are you gonna do? - What's the baby - gonna do? (grunts) Malcolm! Malcolm, you can take Reese? No one's "taking" anybody.
- I can't believe - you boys.
(groaning) Oh, my God, look at you! He'd better not need stitches.
(groans) - Yeah, like you - weren't begging for it.
(groans) - LOIS: - Come on! We got a lot of shopping to do! (phone rings) Hello.
- Mom! Great! - Listen, I need a favor.
I need you to go in the garage.
Under the paint tarps, next to the rat poison, is my old box of Mad Magazines, and the one I need you to find is in the middle stack.
- Francis, - what are you talking about? I got a $20 bet on whether the cover is "Stagnum P.
" or "Magnum P.
" Francis, I don't have time for this.
Oh, of course you don't 'cause every time - something important - to me comes up (groans) Will you hurry up? We're going to have park, like, a mile away! - Why do we have - to go shopping, anyway? - Because you ruin - everything you own.
New clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers.
Mine do.
(beeping horn) Hal, hurry up! - Why can't you go - shopping without us? - I'm a medium, - I like blue.
- Go crazy.
- Seriously, Mom, - think about it - You're dragging - us to a place That we don't like, - to buy clothes - we don't care about, - For money you - don't want to spend, - To look nice for - people who hate - Our guts.
- MALLORY: - And if we go - To the shoe store - Before we look - for jeans, - We can get yogurt - in between.
- Mom, will you help me - pick out earrings? - No, she's gonna help me - pick out tops.
- You know what - we should do? - You two take - the first floor, - And we'll take - the second floor, - And we'll meet - every 45 minutes - At the pretzel place - and see what else - We need to get, - and then Girls, girls, calm down.
- We do this, like, - five times a week.
You think you'd be bored by now.
- I know why Mallory wants to meet - at the pretzel place.
That's where Jason McNeil works.
Daisy! - That's who you have - a crush on? Jason? - Maybe.
- Mallory, he has - A mustache.
- You don't want - anything to do With a boy like that.
- You're always so - protective of me.
Come on, Daddy, hurry.
Dad, come on, the mall is calling! (all shouting) Damn it.
That's enough! Now, we are going shopping, and that is it! (all complaining at once) - I don't even need - new clothes! - I don't even want - to go the mall! - Do you want big, - do you want small? Do you want for you? - Do you want - for the house? - Do you want - sincere? Hal, you know what I like.
Yes, because you've always told me! For the past five Valentine's Days, - you've asked - for a lawn mower, Bath salts, earrings, a Hibachi, a porcelain cat.
Th-There's no pattern, Lois.
It is madness! - I'm telling you, - it's madness! Okay, I'm going to let you do this to yourself.
My feet are killing me.
We're going to hit the food court before the sale.
Fine! Be that way! Don't come crying to me when you end up with a pair of puppy oven mitts! Do you like puppy oven mitts?! One salad with light dressing and three grande chili stampedes One with extra onions, one with extra beans and extra onions, and one with extra beans and extra, extra onions.
- You've shot down - my star-pod For the last time, Zoltan.
What you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do, huh? Aah! My lip! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo! It hurts! I don't want a hat, Hal.
- Okay, if one of you boys - wants to get napkins, We can start - Boy, keep the windows - open tonight, 'cause I'm gonna rip the biggest - DAISY: hole in - my sweater.
Look at this.
- I think I snagged it - on something.
- I hate when - I ruin my things.
Remember when I was two and I got cake on my jumper? Don't worry.
- I snagged a - blouse once.
- That's when Mom - taught me how to sew.
Why isn't Daddy back from the pharmacy yet? - I'll bet he's - sneaking a cigarette.
Now, you girls let him be.
Sometimes he just needs a break.
It's not easy being the only boy in the family.
Oh, look.
- Hi, honey, - we're over here.
Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, girls.
- Sorry it took so long.
- No one's upset with me, - are they? Bought everyone some cookies.
Oh they're gone.
Daddy, you know how you like to make me happy? (whimpers): Yes? - Well, there - is the cutest - Little makeup kit at - the Clinique counter.
Oh, honey, no.
Now, absolutely not.
I don't even like you wearing makeup, - and that stuff - is so overpriced.
- And what's - such a hurry? Hal, it's all right.
Mallory, stop manipulating your father.
You know there's no sport in it.
- She wants to look pretty - for Jason.
Who's Jason? - Daddy, keep - your voice down.
He's right over there.
God, I can't believe you.
I don't know what you see in that guy.
Daddy, don't you think - Mallory should be - with someone else? - No.
- Well, that's easy - For you to say.
- You have, like, - 50 guys after you.
(coughing) All right, girls, that's enough.
Now, Renee, I know you love your sister, but you can't live her life for her.
And, Mallory, - I know you want to look older - and more sophisticated, But trust me that three-dollar lip gloss is working just fine.
You're right, Mom.
You're always right.
- DEWEY: Hey, I was - gonna eat that! - REESE: - Tough luck! - MALCOLM: - What the hell's wrong with you?! (boys continue arguing) No.
Can I help you? Don't do it.
Thank you.
- All right, - we're going in.
- You see anything in your size, - grab it and hold on to it, - No matter what anyone - tries to do to you.
- Protect your heads.
- Don't trust anyone.
- What are you trying to do, - scare us? Yes.
Fear is good.
It's an 80%-off sale.
Fear will keep you alive.
Don't worry.
We're with Malcolm.
Oh Oh, the foot spa.
Those are good, right? Oh, yeah, they're amazing.
I already have two.
- This one's for - my downstairs bathroom.
Well, enjoy.
I would like the deluxe foot spa with remote control, - and I'd like it gift-wrapped, - please.
- I'm sorry.
- That was our last one.
No! Well, what about the one in the window? It's a display model.
It's just a shell.
But you have to I need the the perfect My wife Sir! Sir! (chuckles) Excuse me.
I'm Hal, remember? - Your friend from - just now in the store.
- Yeah, hi.
- Hi.
I was trying to get one of those foot spas for my wife.
Oh, really? Yeah, my pregnant wife.
For Valentine's Day, you know.
And apparently, you bought the last one.
So, I was wondering, since you already have two, uh, if you wouldn't mind selling me that one.
No, I don't think so.
Look, you don't understand.
I have been searching and searching.
- I'll give you double - what you paid for.
No! I'll give you triple.
Look, I'm sorry, but no.
This is mine.
I bought it.
- I'm sure if you just - keep looking around, You'll find something else.
Oh, okay, okay.
Um, ah, how about this? (grunting) (yelping) (panting) (gasping) (screams) (clamoring) I can see through that old lady's bra.
We've got to get out of here before we're scarred for life.
Come on.
Hey, Mom, we've - You did not already - try on those clothes.
And you do not have a term paper due, and you are not - going to suddenly - develop stomach cramps.
- How did you? - Please, who do you think You're talking to? - Now, go, try on - those clothes.
- Takes these and go - with your brother.
Mom, what are you doing? - Why are you giving me - a pink shirt? - I don't wear pink.
- I've never worn pink.
That shirt is red.
- If you have something to say, - just come out and say it.
(sighs) For the love of God, I'll find you another one.
Excuse me.
Wow, what happened to your face? I slept on it wrong.
What do you mean? Well, I'm sleeping like this, - and then my knee went - up into my elbow, And my elbow hit my hand and it went in my mouth, and no one hit me, okay? I don't want to hear any more of your whining.
You try this on right now, understood?! - LOIS: Why are you - standing here? You're wasting time.
- I'm not changing out here - in front of everybody.
- You know what? - I don't even need new clothes.
- I'll just live off the lost - and found at school.
- It's all better - than this crap anyway.
MALLORY: Mom, Mom, there you are.
Look, it's a $200 dress they marked down to $30.
- Oh, my God.
- This is like a dream.
- Mom, you will not - believe this.
- I had Daisy - dig through the cabinets - Under the sales table, - and we found all this stuff - They were saving to put out - for tomorrow.
- Yeah, we've got all the clothes - we need for the whole year.
Good work, girls.
Uh-oh, look who's here.
- You know, I wouldn't - be insulted if you wanted - To go for an ice cream - with him.
Maybe later.
- This is our - special day, Mom.
- Yeah, and we haven't even gotten - to the best part yet.
- When we help find things - for you.
I can't really describe him.
- He was just - an average-looking guy, - But he had - kind of crazy eyes.
Is that helpful? Sir, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what came over me earlier.
- I'm really not - that kind of person.
I-I just think it was all the pressure of Valentine's Day, and I was so upset and irrational.
But the bottom line is that I made a mistake and grabbed the wrong bag! (yelping) (yelling) (sobbing) Oh, God (panting) (screaming) (clamoring) - Look at him.
- Yeah.
I assume you'll want the same deal I had with him.
- What are you - talking about? Look, Reese is as good as dead, at least on the inside.
That puts you in charge.
You get half my candy, full control of the remote, - and since I can't do - your homework for you, How about a nice warm towel - whenever you come out - of the shower? - Will you shut up? - He's going to be fine.
Whatever you say sir.
Come on.
I'm sorry, I was here first.
No, you weren't.
We're next.
I'll only take a minute.
I've only got two things to try on.
- Lady, we've been waiting - in line for a half hour.
We have to meet our mom.
I'm sorry, but we're next.
Back off, brat! - This may be - your first sale, But it isn't mine! Let him go.
It's our turn.
Looks like you need someone - to teach you - to mind your elders.
You looking for a dance partner? You think you can do whatever you want, don't you? - That people - aren't going to say Or do anything because you're "frail.
" Deal's off.
All right, Reese is back.
You want to take your teeth out before we start this, Grandma? Oh, no, Reese is back.
Hi, I'm Karen Tracy.
- I was speaking to one - of your boys earlier.
Oh, my God, I'll kill him.
See, these kind of outbursts - are exactly the sort of thing - we can help you with.
- I'm with the Department - of Child Services.
- What? What are you - talking about? - Look, we're not making - any judgments yet, But the department takes - the safety of children - very seriously.
- I'd like you to come in - for an evaluation.
What's the last known address of the boy's father? Wait a minute.
This is a mistake.
My boys are fine.
- It wasn't me - Somebody planted Those teeth on me.
These your kids? - I was just trying - to buy a slip, - And they all jumped - on me like jackals.
- MALCOLM: - She's lying.
- We were just trying - to pull Reese off of her.
Oh, Lois, thank God I found you.
- Look, we got to get - out of here before (screaming) Run! Mom, seriously, get the lead out! You must be so happy.
You wouldn't believe some of the families I have to deal with.
Oh, girls.
Hurry up.
It's our turn at the register.
- I can't decide between the - peach, the melon or the salmon.
- I just have to - get all three.
No, honey, now you're going to make a choice.
- Gee, Mom, if you're - going to force me - To wear knock-offs, - can I at least - Just get - what I want? Here you go, sweetie.
- Here's the makeup - you wanted.
- Oh, thank you - so much, Daddy.
Hal, what are you doing? We said she couldn't have that.
Well, she asked me again - and told me that you said - it would be okay after all, - And then, you know, - she started Getting all teary-eyed.
You know, I I-I just I Mallory, how could you do that? - Don't worry, Mom.
I won't - wear it around the house.
- I know how desperate you are - to be the prettiest.
- Mallory, I think we're all - getting a little bit frazzled.
Why don't we talk about this when - we're modeling our clothes - for each other at home.
- Yeah, that's - really good, Mom, Because by that time the buzz from her diet pills will have worn off.
Diet pills? - I have a slow - metabolism, okay? - And I don't burn up calories - having sex with a different boy Every night down by the creek.
I thought you were at band practice every night.
There is no band! Shut up, flatsy patsy, you don't know anything.
I know you're pregnant.
- She is lying.
- That is ridiculous.
- I am not pregnant, - because I know - That sex is wrong - and immoral and fun.
No, wait It's all right, Renee.
- It's good - that they know.
I'm ready for teenage marriage.
It'll be awesome.
He's the father? You only slept with him - because you knew - that I liked him! - Maybe you should have asked - to use my hair brush first.
(girls shouting) Girls, please, can you just? Girls, don't do this.
You're supposed to be easy.
- No, Mom, - you're easy.
- DAISY: We can fool you - about anything.
We're girls.
We know how you think.
And we're not above using it.
FRANCIS: Mom, Dad, hi.
- Francis, - what are you doing here? - You're supposed to be - away at college.
I dropped out, but don't worry, I'm working.
At the new Hooters out by the lumberyard.
With tips, I can pay rent on the trailer - and still keep - my husband in beer.
Hey, got to go.
- Cockfight starts - in half an hour.
- You still got to load - the cages into my pickup.
- Uh, you know, you could - talk to my daughter Leave him alone! You never like any of my husbands.
- You've always tried - to come between us, And that's why I hate you! Ever since you lost all that weight, - nothing is ever - good enough for you! (girls shouting) This isn't right.
Girls don't do these things.
Girls are nicer.
Girls are better.
Oh, come off it.
- Who do you think - made us this way? It's all your fault.
(girls shouting) Honey, come on, you can do it.
It's just another 300 yards after Señor Jelly Bean's.
- Trust me, Hal.
- There's no escape.
There's no escape no matter what.
Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
It finally came to me last night.
The perfect gift.
And I know you'll love it because it's not for you.
Thank you, Hal.
It's perfect.
- Come on, Dad, - let's go.
Oh, I get Malcolm.
Wait, we almost forgot the thing.
- Happy Valentine's - Day, Mom.
Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.
- DEWEY: We saved you - the coconut ones - 'cause we know - they're you're favorite.
Thank you, boys.
I love it.
See you in a bit.
I hope you're a girl.