Malcolm in the Middle s04e11 Episode Script

Long Drive

- I can't believe - we're locked out.
- Mom won't be home - until 6:00.
- Hang on.
I know - how to get in.
Here it is.
I'll do it.
Thanks.
That credit card thing takes hours.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
- Why do you have to take - your pillow to your sister's? - Well, Hal, I don't know how long - I'm going to be there.
I want to be comfortable.
- Well, what am I supposed - to sniff while you're gone? - Mom's baby doctor - is making her move - To her sister's house - for a while.
- Dad's starting - to get used to it.
At least now he goes out to the garage to cry.
Aha! No coaster.
Look at that ring.
That is why I have to move out of this house.
Mom.
- Every time you boys - thoughtlessly Mar the furniture by refusing to use coasters, what are you doing? ALL: Killing the baby.
Killing the baby.
Every time you run through the house, - every time - you destroy furniture, - Every time - you fight with each other, You are killing the baby.
- Lois, the doctor - just said You should avoid stress.
Which is just medical jargon for the simple fact that every time you boys misbehave, - you might as well - be taking a knife - And putting it in that baby's - tiny little heart.
- Will you stop - saying that? - I just hope - you boys have the character - To channel the horrible guilt - you should be feeling - Into better behavior - while I'm gone.
- We're sorry.
- Okay.
- Yes, Mom.
Oh, my God.
- I don't think - I can keep this up.
- It's just a few more days - until she leaves.
We can laugh all we want - when she's backing out - of the driveway.
We're not really hurting the baby, are we? - Please.
A week - before you were born, - We tied our playpen - to the back of her car - And followed - her to work.
She's just trying to save face.
- She doesn't - want to admit - That we actually drove her - from the house.
- And now we're - in charge.
(giggling) Helga, this cheese is magnificent.
(laughs) Would you like to try just a little bite? No? How could you not like cheese? It is made from something that comes from you.
Hey, Otto.
Ooh.
Francis.
- Have you seen - Helga's squeaky toy? It's the one that looks like a little fire hydrant.
No, but I did get in the new branding iron.
Shh.
Do you want to scare the poor thing out of her wits? - Otto, I know how much - you love Helga, But we have to do this.
All the cows have to get branded and de-wormed.
I promise I will be very careful.
(fretful mutter) But don't tell her about it.
- You know, she is not as brave - as she looks.
I told her one ghost story around the campfire, and she had to sleep between me and Gretchen for a week.
(guitar strumming) And I don't give a damn About a greenback-a dollar Greenback dollar Spend it fast as I can As fast as I can For a wailin' song and a good guitar The only things that I understand Poor boy The only things That I understand.
(strums last note) - Yes! - All right! (laughter) That little elbow move - you added where did you - come up with that? - You got me.
- I was in the zone.
- HAL: - All right, all right.
Can we get back to work? What? That was perfect.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Really? Was it so perfect - that you are ready - to go up on stage with it - At the Elks Club - Founders Dinner? (gasps) What did you say? I've been waiting to tell you.
I got us the gig! Impossible! - They haven't taken - a new act in years.
- It's easier to get - on the waiting list For a new heart.
I know, but this morning at the gas station, I saw Eddie Eigen.
He come up to me to say hi, and he slipped on an oil stain.
He can't perform.
- You're kidding.
- No, I tell you, It's like God backed up that minivan over his ventriloquist hand.
So, Eddie uses my cell phone to cancel with the club.
Two minutes later, I push redial and got us the gig.
(cheering) You are the man.
- NICKI: - I cannot believe - You don't trust me, Daddy.
I am not seeing Malcolm! I don't even like him.
- I haven't talked to him - in over a month.
Nicki's such a good liar.
That's good in a girlfriend, right? He is such a jerk.
I can't believe he's making us hang out in closets.
Once my mom's gone, - we can hang out at - my house after school.
Thank God.
I can't get away with anything here.
- You were with that girl, - weren't you? - No! I was at the library - studying.
- HAL: - You were supposed - To pick your brother up - at school.
There were rocks.
There was a beehive.
But where were you? - You are not allowed - to see that girl.
Her name is Nicki, and I'm not seeing her.
Every time you lie to me, it is like you are digging a tiny little grave.
I am not lying to you! (door slams) Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
(sirens approaching) You know, Mom, you're looking lovely today.
People don't appreciate - how lovely you can be - in the right light.
- I'm always telling kids - at school - That I have - the loveliest mother.
I'll put on the coffee.
It's Henson.
Make decaf.
- HAL: - "A Day in Prison?" We have no choice.
- I am not leaving you here - with Reese like this.
It just sounds so scary.
That's the point.
You take them to prison, - a bunch of criminals scream - at them, And they come home good.
Hey, they include a snack.
There you go, Helga.
Almost done.
How's it going? - Just finishing - the de-worming.
God, these fumes are horrible.
- All right, - let's get this over with.
- Wait a minute.
- You didn't brand them first? No.
Why? That'd be the main reason.
- (whistling in awe) - Wow! The Founders Dinner.
- Three hours from now, - we'll be singing on that stage.
In the dessert slot! You can't beat that.
No, you can't.
Big time.
- Dewey, I have - to focus, - So I want you to sit - and watch quietly Right over here.
Why do I have to be here? - Why couldn't I go snowboarding - with Reese? - Reese isn't - snowboarding.
- That was just a lie - Mommy and Daddy told.
Reese is in jail.
For how long? A few hours.
Oh.
MAN: Since there was no contraband found on or inside your bodies, - I think - you're ready To meet some of the inmates now.
This is Samuel.
- I would tell you - what he's in here for, But it's against the law for me to say it to minors.
Be with you in a minute.
The ankles were a bit unnecessarily tight.
(sighs) (clears throat) (chains clanking) All right, so we need - to get a few of - the ground rules Straight.
I own you! - You are my - property! And you should know, I don't take very good care of my things.
Stand up.
(shouting): I said stand up! Turn around! All the way.
Faster! See that? Like a little top.
Sit down! See how that works? 'Cause in prison, you got to make your own fun.
And when they toss in punk kids like you and you, whoo It's like Christmas for me! If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck, just squeeze till your eyes bulge out of your head, and then pop them with a fork.
(laughing) (gasps) You think that's funny? I thought you were trying to be funny.
So, I got me a volunteer, huh? - Well, let me tell - you, cupcakes, What your first day up in here gonna be like! And don't expect no flowers afterwards.
Malcolm, we have to go! I'm sorry, Nicki.
- I've got to help my mom - drop off the first load - Of her stuff - at my aunt's house.
- There and back is like - three hours, - But when I get home, - I'll sneak over.
Malcolm! What were you doing in there? Finishing up my homework.
(banjo strumming) Charlie's wife goes down to the Scollay Square station Every day at quarter past two And through the open window she hands Charlie a sandwich (deep bass voice): As the train comes rumblin' through Whoo! Whoo! But did he ever return? No, he'll never return And his fate is still unlearned He may ride forever He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston He's the man who never returned Play that banjo, Steve-o (banjo riff) Yeehaw! Yip, yip, yeehaw! A-ha Or else he'll never return No, he'll never return And his fate is still unlearned Just like Paul Revere - He may ride forever - 'neath the streets of Boston He's the man who never returned He's the man who never returned.
(strumming final notes) (laughter) So, what'd you think, Dewey? - It's cool.
- It's fun the way you guys move.
- Yeah.
- How come you're always - in the back? I'm not always in the Well, even if I am, it-it's not about where anyone is.
- It's about what's - best for the group.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Why is it best for the group to put you in the back? So, a three-hour drive.
Should be nice.
Uh-huh.
- We don't get - to be alone - That often anymore, - just the two of us, - And I've been wanting - to talk to you.
- What are we going to talk about - for three hours? Sex.
(panting) (door locks clunk) Mom, don't do this! Malcolm, in a few days, - I'm going to be gone - for a very long time, - And I need to know - that you're okay.
We are going to have this talk.
I know about you and Nicki.
I'm not seeing Nicki! I'm not having sex! I know about protection! I know all that stuff! Malcolm, there's a lot more - to being a sexually - responsible person - Than what they teach - you in health class.
- It's very different when you're - experiencing it yourself.
Mom, stop.
I'll do anything you ask.
Just don't have this conversation.
Oh, honey, it's going to happen.
- (groaning): - No.
You think I like it? - You think I like - the embarrassment - We're going to be feeling - for the next few hours? - But, Malcolm, - I have no choice.
- I cannot be there when - you are having sex.
God! So I'm going to try to give you - the benefit of - my experience.
I'm going to bury you with every piece of information I have.
I don't know what will be helpful and what won't, - so I'm just going to - tell you everything.
Oh, my God! - The sooner we start, - the sooner it'll be over with.
Now, this is a diaphragm.
- Look, Otto keeps asking me - where Helga is, - And I'm running - out of excuses.
- You got to tell - him what happened.
- I know.
- I'm working on it.
It's just a cow.
A cow that's in his will.
- Francis, I've got to thank you - for what you did to Helga.
- My budget is - really tight, - And getting a couple - of extra sides of beef Really helped me out.
(laughs): And how did you achieve that smoky flavor? That's great stuff, Arnold.
- Ray's dad - has a week to live.
- Maybe you can do - ten minutes on that.
Otto, I have to tell you something.
Francis, have you seen Helga? No, I haven't.
It is not like her to wander off alone.
- I'm starting - to get scared.
Mmm! This is delicious.
(chuckles) Do you think she ran away because she was angry with me? I don't think so.
Well, I should have been there when you branded her.
- I could have held - her little hoof.
(chuckles) (moans) So tender, so moist.
You must try some.
(chuckles) Mm-hmm.
(forced chuckle) Look at me, enjoying myself while my Helga is out there, alone and scared.
That is it.
- I will go, and I - will look for her, And I will find her, if I have to spend all night searching! - Otto, if I don't say this - right now, I am never going to say it.
Yes, go ahead.
- Pass the béarnaise - sauce, please.
- FRANCIS (shouting): - Helga! Helga, meine Liebchen! Helga! - All that crap you "tough" - guys have been pulling, Well, this is where it's got you! This is Are you paying attention?! No.
I just realized.
You're in prison.
- You're locked up in here - for life.
What do I need to be afraid of you for? Because the way you've been screwing up, you're likely to end up in here, and when that happens, whoo-wee! - You know, Sammy, - you might want to have someone - Smuggle some mouthwash - in a cake.
(boys laughing) Let me tell you what happened to the last guy who made fun of me.
They found just enough of him to convict me! - Ooh! I am so scared - of prison boy.
What are you going to do, stretch out your arms to my house? (laughter) - And if the sperm - doesn't take, - The uterine wall - sloughs off cells, - And that's what - creates a period.
- Women can be very - emotional at that time, - But God help you - if you point it out - Because then you're - creating two problems Me-may-ma-mo- me-may-ma-mo-moo Me-may-ma-mo-me- may-ma-mo-moo - I hope I don't get - too nervous tonight.
- Kitty bought a new - antiperspirant I don't have much confidence in.
No one will even notice if I sweat.
- Since I'm (whistles) - in the back the whole time.
I'm in the back for every song, you know.
And frankly, I don't think that's fair.
We all agreed on the choreography, Hal.
- Where is this - coming from? From the back, that's where! You have such a good voice.
Why don't you ever sing lead? I don't know.
I was told I sound a little throaty in my upper register.
Are you the leader? Well, there's no leader.
We make all our decisions as a group.
- I don't remember any "group" - vote on these sweaters.
- Hey, we all agreed - on these sweaters! - You like these sweaters, - don't you? Yes, I do.
What's he going to say? - "My brother-in-law, - who's the only reason - "I'm in the group - in the first place, Picked out ugly sweaters"?! - Excuse me?! - Dewey, - What do you think - of these sweaters? I like them.
They're funny.
Oh, see?! - We're going to look - ridiculous tonight! - HAL: - Well, it doesn't matter How I look.
No one's going to be able to see me! Oh, for heaven's sake! - Maybe if you guys worried - more about your voices - And less about - your sweaters - Oh, now you're - criticizing my singing?! - Puh-lease.
You - can't say your name Without changing keys.
- I think Malik - sings beautifully! Of course you do.
You're tone deaf! - Well, at least - when I dance, - It doesn't look like - I hooked my butt up To a paint mixer! Oh! Oh, that's it! - You can go up here - without me tonight! I won't be here either! Neither will I! Me, neither! - I don't know why - it took so long - For the scales - to fall from my eyes! And to reveal you as you really are! (all shouting angrily) - And believe me, it's - a lot more sensitive - Than most men - understand.
- A little bit - goes a long way.
Helga! Oh, we will never find her! And it's all my fault! (sobbing) No, Otto, it's not.
It's my fault.
I have to tell you this.
There was an accident, a tragic branding accident.
- I killed Helga, - and I fed her to you, And I couldn't be more sorry.
What? She's gone.
She's dead.
I don't think she suffered.
- I'm sorry.
- I-I should have told you Right from the beginning, but I couldn't.
Let me tell you something.
You are the only boss I've ever had in my life - that I actually liked, - and what's weird is, You're the only one I've ever lied to.
I just couldn't stand the thought of hurting you.
Thank you for telling me the truth.
If you want to fire me, feel free.
Oh, no, no, no.
(sighs) It was an accident.
I think we should try to put it all behind us.
I don't deserve a boss like you.
Let us go home.
Oh, Francis, there is an expression that you used that I am unfamiliar with.
What does it mean when you say "fed her to you"? (vomiting) - (panting): - Okay.
- So, on the night - I lost my virginity, - I learned something - very important - About relationships - and trust.
Your body can be telling you to do something I hope you all appreciate what those men were doing for you.
- And you might be happy to hear - that in part Because of the fine work Samuel's done with this program, he's getting paroled next week.
(mouthing) Hey, I don't care if you get out! You'll never figure out how to find me.
Jackass.
And people, they hop from one person to another trying to get some sense of validation.
- They do this all - through college, - All through - their twenties, - Having all sorts - of casual encounters.
- And sometimes they - even convince themselves - That the relationship - is serious - Because the sex is - so great, but that Wait.
Stop.
- What did you mean - by validation? Validating what? Well, sometimes people will attract other people just to prove to themselves that they're likable.
And if that's the reason that you're having sex with someone, - you can cause - a lot of damage.
- But if you want - to have sex with someone, - Doesn't that mean - you really like them? Oh, no, honey.
That's exactly the trap people fall into.
You see, a lot of people (Irish music playing, (shoes tapping) (song ends) That was cool.
How comes he doesn't dance as fast as you? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I said anything before.
Mm-hmm! This is our shot! We can't blow it like this.
- The whole point of - the Gentlemen Callers Was to have fun and help Malik tone down his drinking.
We're friends! - I don't even know - why we're fighting.
(angry shouting) - Ladies and gentlemen, - I'd like to introduce an act - We haven't seen before - at the Founders Dinner.
(moaning murmurs) Simmer down.
Now let's give a warm welcome to the Gentlemen Callers! (applause) Well, I for one, am a Gentleman Caller.
Uh, well, th-thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
The six of us couldn't be more honored to be here, - and we're going to sing - a little song about brotherhood.
And forgiveness.
And friendship.
(crowd murmuring) Whoo-hoo! Play that banjo, Steve-o Yeehaw! Now all night long Charlie rides through the station Crying, "What will become of me? How can I afford to see My sister in Chelsea? (deep bass voice): Or my cousin in Roxbury But did he ever return? No, he never returned And his fate is still unlearned Fame and scandal He will ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston He's the man who never returned He's the man who never returned.
(song ends) (wild cheering) (laughing): They loved us! - We got more applause - that the Whistling Whittlers! Yeah.
- Now everyone over to my house - for pizza! (all cheering) How come you always go to his house? Sometimes after a fight, - you feel closer than you feel - when you're getting along.
Can I ask you something else? Sure.
Well, sometimes when I'm with Nicki, I have this feeling - that she wants to be doing - something else, But I don't know what it is.
Then I try to guess.
- Oh, that's never good.
- Yeah, suddenly it's like - I did something wrong, - but I was just trying to help.
- I mean, what am I supposed - to do? Just sit there